YOU'D HAVE TO BE A FUCKING ASSHOLE NOT TO SEE THIS COMING

I know it's old news but katy perry splitting from her asshole ex-junkie brit wanker husband Russell Brand was to say the least, predictable and by predictable I take you back to my own post of august 4th 2010, "I laugh every time I hear the expensive gifts she's buying for her fiance, Russel Brand. The guy is an ex-junkie and sex addict. if he hasn't already, I guarantee he will get caught fucking someone else. She's got a smoking body and all but she's just one chick and sooner or later, Russell is just gonna want a different smoking body to bang. Good luck with the marriage titsy." I mean not an exactly hard call to make but I'm pretty good with predictions. Here's another prediction, I'm gonna stare at Katy Perry pictures on the internet until I get horny and then I'll find some good porn to fap to. Here's another prediction, Obama will be president in 2013.

JUST IN CASE YOU THOUGHT I FORGOT; CHELSEA HANDLER IS AS FUNNY AS AN ANAL FISSURE AND TWICE AS UGLY

Fucking shitcow turd hoppin' scuz queen. I keep seeing a commercial for her sitcom, Are You There, Chelsea? Where she's standing next to an actually pretty comedienne named Whitney Cummings from the aptly titled shitty sitcom Whitney and Laura Prepon the asshole scientologist but hot as hell red head from That 70's show fame. Laura Prepon is actually playing the role of human dogbowl, Chelsea handler on Are You There, Chelsea? The studio at first wanted a crackwhore they found swimming in a dumpster filled with urine who had just taken a shit in her nylons and smeared it all over her face to play Chelsea to make it believable but then someone suggested putting a hot chick on the show so people might actually tune in instead of just vomiting. Anyway, in this advert for Chelsea's new show, the three chicks are standing there and then the dude from the Whitney show comes out and says the girls are hot or some dumb shit and then Chelsea because she's so funny and beautiful starts to mock him for his weak facial hair. She then storms off in unfunny pretend cuntrag disgust. In typical Chandler fashion it looks like, Are you there, Chelsea? is gonna be just one more example of a terrible sitcom coming from a terrible, unfunny person being foisted on poor, sick, America. Watch either of these Shitcoms and count the rhythm of setup, punchline and canned laughter. Like a Waltz of misery 123- 123- 123 It's fucking embarrassingly stupid and lame and unfunny.
Chelsea Handler, Not funny, never will be, plus she looks like armpit smell wrapped in greasy butter paper

I HAD FORGOTTEN

I picked up this sweet honey of a dog recently from a friend who could no longer keep her, and let me tell you something, I love this dog beyond belief. I hadn't had a dog in so long I had forgotten just how much love an animal could bring into a family and how much you could care about and love a such a jerky little thing. She's sleeping next to me on the couch as I write this and the peaceful feeling is wonderful. My wife was watching me cuddling and playing with the dog the other day and said," I think you love that dog more than you love us." And my reply was, "It's a lot easier to love a dog than it is to love a wife and kids." One is work, and discipline and constant headaches, compromising, coddling, exhorting, cheering on and correcting, and the other just wants to take a shit on the lawn. I love this dog, but don't get me wrong, it's a dog. If times got tough and the winter snows blew 20 feet high for a month, I'd cook and feed this dog to my family faster than she licks her own dog vaj after a big squirt. Like I've always said, Dogs rule cats drool.Woof, fuck you.

WHO'S A FUCKING IDIOT WHO FUCKED A BIG BLACK DUDE?

Lots of Sarah Palin shenanigans to come out next week when Joe McGinniss's book The Rogue, comes out, but the one bit of information that's making news today is a leaked bit of information that back in the 1980's when Sarah was engaged to Todd, she met professional basketball player Glenn Rice and gave up her right wing clam. She was working as a sportscaster on an Anchorage TV news station and he was in town with the Michigan basketball team for the great Alaska shootout. She took him to her sisters dorm room at the university of Alaska and blew dixie on his bone. You Betcha sounds a lot more like glurg-a-glurg-a-glurg-a when a 6-8' dude drops his nuts in your mouth, Talk about tea bagging. Now all of this might be bullshit but it's a good story so I'll run with it. The book is supposed to be a fucking epic takedown. It goes into her craziness, her stupid religious beliefs, her cheating on Todd, her faking the birth of her son Trig, her drugs, her plastic surgeries, her stupidity, her vindictiveness, her lies about everything and of course how dangerous it was letting her near the presidency. Sounds like a good read, Andrew Sullivan, one of only 3 people to get an advance copy says it is, "unputdownable."

HALLELUJAH, I HAVE SEEN THE NIPPLE!

My girlfriend Scarlett Johansson was sending me a few pics and rubbing one out with a vibrating hockey puck that her gay ex-husband, Ryan Reynolds gave her when some cockbag hacked her phone, stole our personal pictures and spread them all over the internet tubes. What a terrible, awful thing for someone to do. Now I know it's wrong, but I really like big breasts and I've been itching to see this girls rack for a long, long, time so God Damn it to hell I gotta share. If she would have just whipped them out in a movie I wouldn't really care about this but since she's been covering up the goods like it's secret stealth technology then I gotta expose the wondrous nature of her beautiful bosom. It's nice to know that she's just a ditzy, slutty, horndog, sexting idiot just like all the other young Hollywood hookers, oops...I mean "actresses." I love you Scarlett, thanks for the early Christmas present. I just hope some other shots come out and I get to see the majesty that is poon central station.But for now I'll make do with one boobie and a hiney shot. Nice hiney,chomp, chomp, chomp! Look at me, I'm a scarlett Johannson butt eating dinosaur. Yay!

IT'S SIMPLE, CONSERVATIVES ARE BAD PEOPLE

Not to overstate the obvious but republicans/conservatives are really a bad bunch of folks. Now don't get me wrong, your average republican voter is usually just a half decent white dude who thinks he's over taxed and fears minorities so he votes republican because that's what republicans sell. They sell the middle class supposed tax cuts and racial animosity that makes white suburbanites feel that someone is standing up for them. These people don't actually do any thinking, they just feel that the party of white people is looking out for them. These voters don't want to think about anything they like the black and white simplicity that republicans sell them. kick out illegal aliens, abortion is bad, taxes stink, things were better the old way, it's a simple good vs. evil, us vs. them philosophy shot like an arrow into the brains of the incurious American mind. It's simple, it's stupid and it's perfect for a large portion of the American population who are complete fucking idiots. So during the last election of 2010 a bunch of these angry white folks got other morons called "independent voters" all riled up and they voted in the most destructive know-nothing idiots to ever sit in congress. These conservatives, the so-called "Tea party" caucus are flat out scumbags. they're ill informed, they're really ignorant and just a clusterfuck of dumb. They are the biggest threat to this country since The Civil War. They are destroying the economy and this country and simply don't give a shit. My only hope is that every asshole that voted for these people lost their job, their house, their wife, their car, their dog, everything. Fuck them for being so stupid, and fuck them for what they have wrought on our country.

Take the conservative, Fox news, Governors who got voted in during the last election, Wisconsin's Scott Walker, Ohio's, John Kasich, and the fat, loudmouth fuck from New Jersey, Chris Christie, They all took fiscal state budget issues about pensions and health care and turned them into a war on their own citizens. This is the first time in this country that being a teacher became the equivalent of being an enemy of society, a dead beat welfare mom. To these conservatives, teachers are the real enemy because a well educated middle class isn't as easy to dupe and mind fuck as an ignorant and poor under class. Take away education and you've got dummies doing whatever you tell them to do, electing bad, bad, people that the corporations tell them to elect. That's our future. The corporate stooge winning by a landslide to ensure the EPA goes away, and OSHA is no more and FDA is gone and education is a commodity to be sold only to the most wealthy in society. The conservative supreme court has seen to it. Citizens united. Corporations are people and money equals free speech. The richest have the most money therefore the most free speech. This is happening.

You take Scott Walker in Wisconsin, this guy is one of the biggest cocksuckers in the country. As soon as he got into office he not only went to war against public unions over concessions that he could have just played a little bit of politics to achieve but he had to make an example of the real evil doers in this country, public employees. With the help of Fox news and big money men like the Koch brothers, the meme of public employees being a drag on our society became commonplace. The mantra to these right wing, lumps of dog shit was, it's the Makers vs. the Takers. The makers are the noble entrepreneurs and money men who supposedly create jobs, (where? In this country? What jobs? when did they do this?) while teachers and firemen are just parasites living off of everyone elses hard work, contributing nothing to society. This right wing war on public employees made teachers, firemen, professors, nurses and every other public employee in America a new "enemy" to the conservative movement, Fox news talking heads and blowhard right wingers on the radio. They then take this screed and repeat it often enough until it starts to work on all the rest of the weak minded dolts in the country. My brother is a state employee and goes along with these people. He thinks they're right, So, I hope my brother gets fired. The teachers, firemen and other public employees of Ohio and Wisconsin and New Jersey who voted for these sad excuses for humans deserve to lose their jobs and their benefits. I hope every asshole state employee that voted these people in, kick themselves every night and lay in bed awake cursing the day they were ever stupid enough to vote for an evil, piece of shit, Republican. These modern day Conservatives are very bad people and if there is a hell they will fucking burn. Even the dip shit guy next door that's just afraid of minorities and just wants lower taxes are guilty, they are complicit. A sin of omission is just as bad as a sin of commission. The sad thing is these people will never pay. They will just go on making money, fucking middle class people over while waving the flag and talking about how the poor should pay more taxes not the rich, and they will keep being elected by the very same people that they made their life's mission to fuck over. The idiots in this country deserve the ass fucking they're taking. Ignorance and apathy leads to Scott Walker, Rick Perry, Sarah Palin, The Koch Brothers Fox news and Monsanto and GE and Pfizer etc...running this country. Conservatives are bad people.

BLOGGING IS GAY

That's why I suck at it, it's not me, it's the gay blog world.

Why have I been so lax in writing this idiotic blog? Well it just got depressing. I literally had no desire to write..anything. Blogging went the way of the dinosaur and I wasn't good enough at it or interesting enough or willing to pimp this thing 24/7 to get a readership. I got sick of writing stuff no one ever read, all in all, it was a pretty pointless endeavor from the get go. For the last ...gee whiz I don't even know how many years I've basically been writing this thing it's been mostly just a diary of stupid, sexist, crap and political hackery. It was always meant to be a distraction for myself, just a giant time wasting exercise based on my vanity and bottomless stupidity. It was fun for a brief period around 2007 -2008 when I started getting a few regular readers and there was some sort of blogging community that kind of paid attention to each others shit, girls flirted with me and sent me nudie shots, people praised my ability to be a snarky cocksucker and to turn a phrase, I liked the attention and writing for and audience was fun, but like all things that involves myself and other people, I got bored. I couldn't stand most of the people that were in the blogging clique, I thought I was a better writer, funnier, less fucked up, more together, and most of all, more interesting to read than most of the other writers. I couldn't stand reading their shit. And as this intermingling went on I noticed that the stuff I was writing was becoming shittier, I was trying to out-whatever all the others. Out sex, out gross, out curse, out mean spirit, out do them all. I wasn't quite me, it was like a bad teenage high school movie. Being different to impress the other kids, finding myself being that stupid and lame was disturbing so I stopped reading their stuff and commenting and communicating with the other bloggers and slowly but surely they fell by the wayside, I outlasted them and the few I actually liked quit their blogs and moved on with life, leaving me, captain asshole, all alone, writing to no one like a dickhead floating around in a jerkoff space capsule floating in an endless void, lost in in space. But then something sent me a little red box telling me i had a message...it was Facebook and I was no longer lost in space.

I really think the rise of Facebook doomed this and most other blogs. Facebook is simpler, You can post the stuff you like to talk about, post movies, pictures, jokes, whatever it is that makes you, you. You can throw it out to your friends and get instant feedback and praise from family and friends. That's pretty much what bloggers want, shit, that's what I want, a voice and attention. Enter Facebook and blogging lost it's main purpose, to feed the ego. And in my case, the instant gratification without all the time spent writing was the tits, no work and attention? For me that's gold baby.

I rail against facebook all the time but I'm full of shit because I like getting notes from people and I like when people respond positively to a picture or comment I post. I like facebook but I can't truly be me on there. On this blog I can write whatever the fuck I want. Facebook is like being in a straightjacket. Don't want to disturb the herd too much, keep it clean and keep it apolitical. And that is fucking boring. I hate almost all of my facebook friends, their fucking corpses, they're not funny, they don't think, they are nice and polite and they bore me to fucking tears. That's why this blog still has a purpose for me, that's why I can't truly give it up. If I posted what I really think on facebook the facebook nerd police would have me in GITMO in no time. I would piss off all the good sweet boring people in my life so bad I would be a pariah that's not so bad for me but it would hurt my wife, everyone would look at her differently for being married to such a scumbag. But here I am safe and thank God because next week is the 10 year anniversary of 9/11 and every simple minded, flag waving, grief whoring dildo will be trying to out lament fuck each other. It's going to be a disgusting display of who, can top who, 9/11 war stories and I'll tell you right now I'm gonna fucking puke. I'm gonna yak up how much I hate this seemingly ceaseless American need to mourn and remember and light candles and ring bells and remain silent and other such pointless acts of self serving, non stop memorializing. I'm gonna barf up my hatred of our new national pastime into a nice, anti social, fuck the 9/11 crybabies blog post. It's just a blog that no one reads anymore anyway and I'm not me writing it, I'm Ted Velvet, just a douche blogger and top notch asshole. So if someone should actually stumble across this post while looking to grieve over the fallen of 9/11 and it's not to their liking, Fuck you. Leave a nasty comment.

TRYING TO UNDERSTAND STUPIDITY IS A HOPELESS SPIRAL INTO THE VOID

So this past weekend was supposed to the made up end time philosophical jerk off known as the Rapture. As a construct, the Rapture has no basis in actual christian theology, it is like most modern day christian beliefs, complete bullshit sold by a con man to idiots looking to buy anything to jam into their little minds to make them feel better about this scary pointless world and their own utterly futile existence. So what's new, a lot of people believed that this past Saturday they were going to be assumed up into heaven leaving behind all of their earthly possessions and troubles to meet the big guy. Ok, that's an interesting little thing to believe in, which is fine. If you believed the story than no big deal, you thought you were gonna meet your maker but you didn't, no harm, no foul. The problem, and this is where the lack of any discernible ability to reason comes into play when you're talking about these sad christian people is this; many of these people gave up all of their money to their church with the belief that the rapture was coming. Now if the rapture was actually going to happen, than why would your church still need your money? Now this thought seemed to elude most of the adherents to this idiotic belief. Not only were they dumb enough to believe in the rapture but they were stupid enough to bet on it, but the bet made no sense being that they were laying down their bet to a house that theoretically wasn't going to be there in a couple of days.

Once you start going down that rabbit hole of thought there is no coming out. Anyone that isn't a complete idiot gets stupified making the mistake of giving these people any sort of logical thinking patterns. Faith is a kooky thing. Faith in God in particular is interesting. Can you have 50% faith or is it by it's definition, automatically understood that having faith means 100% all the way go for broke, blind faith. And if you can cut off the doubtful voices in your head, is blind faith some sort of gift or is it the complete opposite? Is having 100% faith the epitome of mental abdication? It was easy to have faith as a child because I just believed what i was told, I couldn't think critically, I had no doubts, my mind was in the off position. But I grew up and once I could think, on my own, could I really just go along with all the other dumb asses that seemed to question nothing? I used to wave the flag like a moron unquestioningly believing that the USA was the greatest thing ever invented by God or man, then I grew up and saw all of it's flaws and ugliness but, even with the blemishes I could still rationally say that America is definitely a pretty great fucking place. I still mock the flag wavers because I don't think they have ever doubted or questioned anything about their country, now it's no wonder that the people that wave the flag like children are the same people who have this unwavering belief that God exists. That must be a nice, Santa Claus world to live in. You're country is perfect and there's a nice magic man that watches us and gives us guardian angels to be buddies with and all that nice stuff and maybe they're right, maybe there's an all knowing, caring being in the sky that created us but I cannot be sure. Sue me I can't just dive into that faith pool head first. I cannot quantify God rationally and as far as I can tell, it hasn't made itself obviously known to me, so I cannot base my actions or decisions on the writings of a 4000 year old book or on a church teaching or on some group think and I will not join hands with people that can read the new testament and think Jesus would want them to let others starve or go sick or be mistreated while grasping a gun and screaming for tax breaks. Those people are not Christians, If those people are Christians then I hate Christians and I'm pretty sure if God does exist he would hate them too. If there was a rapture all of the real nice people in the world would go, maybe even some real Christians but I think most of the phony Christians this country shits out like a never ending, stinking, diarrhea wave of stupidity would find themselves stuffing their fat faces, watching Fox news and wondering what the fuck happened? Obviously I am not a good christian, I cast the first stone, I don't turn the cheek and I judge others. I might not have faith in God but I have faith that I'm right about these stupid assholes.