ELIZABETH LAMBERT, THE GIRL I WANT TO MARRY

A) she ain't too bad looking
b) she's athletic
C) she's FEISTY! This bitch is tough as nails which might be trouble for your average man but I know how to tame shrews. OK, she'd bust my balls and try to play tough but in the end she's just a chick, I'd kick her ass sideways. If she tried that tough gal shit on me I'd punch her in the throat. She'd get a new understanding of the meaning of respect while she gasped for air. Then I'd give her a treat and throw a good banging on her. She'd collapse in a broken heap of love and I'd sup on her new found submissive tears of ecstasy.

d) We would have some crazy, ass kicking, take no shit,Uber babies

E) She's beating up Mormons! Kudos for that. It's not like they're the fucking Osmand family, if you notice, those bitches fuck with her first. The biggest rule of fighting is escalation. They punch you in the shoulder you punch them in the face, twice as hard. She understands this. Watch as the first girl throws an elblow at her while the second girl grabs her shorts. Again, these "victims" play for Brigham Young which means they need to be beaten.


She got suspended but who cares, a sublime retribution is worth any penalty.

I LOVE A PARADE...AND A RED HEAD WITH GIANT TITS

It's Yankee parade day but I've got more important things on my mind. I woke up feeling more randy than usual and started thinking about giant breasts. Then I saw a picture of small breasted red head Julianne Moore then i thought of hot red heads with big tits then I thought of Mad men's Christina Hendricks because she is chestily insane. I've never actually seen the show, I've just seen her. Jesus christ, the fucking I'd throw on this chick would be of the monumental variety. She am crazy. I would love to oil her up, put her under a heat lamp and cook bacon on her giant juggs. I would like her to pour a beer down her mountainous breasts and have it leap like a ski jumper into my mouth. I want to be her baby and breastfeed while she strokes my head and tickles my belly. I want her to wrap her ginormous teets around my neck and use her as a flotation device. I want to knead and squeeze her mammoth cans until all the stress of my life just drifts away like when a child's balloon escapes their grip and it gently rises and floats off into the distance. Then I want to ravage her like a gorilla on a piece of Samsonite luggage. Holy crap you could raise a baby kangaroo in that cleavage.

THEN WHY DON'T I HAVE ONE?

Your request is beingrocessed...

Study Paints iPhone Users As Porn-Watching Egomaniacs

Actually this article says these idiots are impressed with other people's phones and value the gadgets someone has over their education or intelligence. I personally prefer Intelligence, looks, tits and ass then maybe if I even notice at all, the kind of phone you use. I would probably put type of cellphone at the very bottom of my list of what I look for in a person. But I'm not easily impressed with the superficial like these pricks are. I look for what's in a girls underpants and bra, not what aps she has on her phone. How shallow.

SUCK ON #27 MUTHAFUCKAS

Like I wrote last wednesday, "Fuck the Phillies. Yanks in 6" Congrats to the greatest baseball team and professional franchise to ever exist. The Yankees re-take their rightful place on top of mount fuckyou. I might have been a little rough on them from time to time this year but it's only out of love. I spent year after year humping into the Bronx to watch the Stump Merrill, Mel Hall, Bobby Meacham Yankees where the only highlight was Don Mattingly so I've earned my grousing. I've seen them come and I've seen them go and this was a pretty special team. They would have been even more special in these playoffs if not for a scary as fuck bullpen, a first and second baseman who both forgot how to hit when it mattered most and an A.J. Burnett Joe Girardi implosion/ brain fart. Aside from his fuck up starting Burnett the other night, Girardi did a good job this year. I was a big proponent of hiring him 2 years ago and he did well especially managing the bullpen and giving his older players rest, a couple hundred million dollars spent wisely didn't hurt either. Anyway, after my near heart attack watching the game last night, when they finally won, I was fully happy and for the first time since I stood on the pressroom floor at Newsday and watched Mike Piazza fly out to Bernie Williams to end the 2000 world series, I was at last, at peace. I'm also glad my prediction was correct. It's nice to both win and to be wise. So fuck you Mr, Phillies in 5, Jimmy Rollins, next time shut your stupid mouth ya fucking asshole.

Thank you Mariano Rivera for being a freak of nature, thanks to A-Rod for all the clutch hits this post season, thanks to Jeter for being consistent as hell even though I cursed you up and down the other day, thanks to Johnny Damon for one of the greatest at bats and base running displays in world series history in game 4, thank you Hideki Matsui for coming up huge last night, Thanks To C.C. Sabathia for a great postseason, Thanks to A.J. Burnett for a great game 2 in the world series, Thanksto Joe Girardi for not being Joe Torre, thanks to Damaso Marte for pwning lefties in the series, and most of all Thanks to Andy Pettite for having balls and getting the big outs when it counted. Well done. Congratulations. Thank you to the Yankees for the great year, it was fun to watch...oh yeah, thanks to my wife for putting up with my Yankee induced rage filled fits of anguish.

One last thing, Fuck Boston.

TWO WORDS: WORK SLACKS

What you might call business casual, I call clingly ass pants. There's nothing quite like a girl in work slacks with a nice butt, really, it's wonderful. It makes my day. It's even better when you see a girl in her business casual professional wear and then they bend over and their shirt rides up in the back and you catch a hint of tramp stamp. Then you know the business look is just a veneer for the total, drunken whore that lies beneath. Better still is the work pant thong reveal. That's fucking awesome. All business and then, "thar she blows!" A whale tail exposed. Its pure Pervy goodness. Some people might say I need help with my sexual pervosity but the day I stop digging this kind of crap is the day I no longer want to live.

REPUBLICAN GOVERNORS ELECTED PROVING THAT OFF YEAR ELECTIONS ONLY BRING OUT OLD PEOPLE AND ASSHOLES

Virginia elected a new governor, Republican, Bob McDonnell. He's an Irish Catholic of the old school meaning he hates gays and thinks women shouldn't be allowed to do pretty much anything. He actually wrote in his graduate thesis that working women are a detriment to society and that birth control shouldn't be allowed within a marriage. He's a bit of a wing nut but unlike the new crop of right wing dopes out there, at least he went to actual colleges like Notre Dame and Boston College oh wait...that was before he got his law degree from christianist lunatic, Pat Robertson's, Regent University. Uh Oh, That means the guy is pretty much insane. Still, he does have some classical, ie "Normal" education which means when he runs for his next term, the new breed of really crazy republicans will eventually view him as too moderate and primary someone totally out of their minds and unqualified against him.

Next up is the obese ex Bushie U.S. attorney, Chris Christie who won the Governorship of new Jersey. Lets face it, if Bush made you a U.S. attorney and you weren't purged during Karl Rove's famous house cleaning of attorney's who wouldn't play ball and investigate Dems before elections, then you were dirty. It's that simple. The guy is most famous for what could best described as illegal quid pro quo's while U.S. attorney and for running people over, getting off scott free and then denying it ever happened. He hit a guy riding a motorcycle while he sped the wrong way down a one way street, flashed his U.S. Attorney badge and then drove off. Nice guy. Then he denied it happened and denied he had to pay the guy off. A very honest man this new tub of goo Governor is. The fine, intelligent, people of new Jersey have elected a guy who will probably be in jail by the next time he has to run for office so enjoy the stay in office while you can fatso.

These elections are going to be played up as a smack in the face against Obama and I guess you can look at it that way. The country is in financial ruin and everyone wants something...anything, done. Throw the bums out is pretty much the only answer. It shows that Obama wasn't able to keep independents leaning toward the dem side and he wasn't able to bring out the Dem vote. That's because most Dems don't like how passive Obama has been. Who's gonna fight for a guy when it doesn't really seem that he's fighting for you. Obama should take heed and grow some nuts.


One more bit of news. The actual interesting race was a little, congressional race in upstate NY that had interested the likes of Sarah Palin and all the other right wing...um..I'm looking for the right word...fuckheads. The child-like tea baggers succeeded in chasing the moderate republican Dede Scozzafava out of the race in place of a douchebag much like themselves named Doug Hoffman. Doug Hoffman told none other, than crying, uber patriot, Glenn Beck, that he was Doug's mentor. Isn't that nice? Well, sorry tea bagger, birther, palinistas, you might have chased out a RHINO (republican in name only) as the lunatic right wingers call them, but you lost the race to a democrat. Seems there's still enough sane people out there yet.

Next year I sincerely hope that a lot of the Glenn Beck types knock off the somewhat normal republicans and run for office. Let everyone get a good look at the what the ultra right think. Let them win, let Sarah palin win in 2012. Let them try to run the country. It will be fun to watch the disaster of 3rd graders trying to sail this ship.

FUCKING YANKEES

From Girardi to A.J. to Jeter and Texiera... way to fucking suck assholes. Burnett sucked and fucked the game in the 1st inning. He never should have pitched tonight, he should have been held back to pitch on full rest in yankee Stadium wed night where he actually pitches well, but Girardi thinks he knows something I don't about baseball, but it's pretty fucking obvious that he doesn't and he starts the guy who fucking implodes every time he starts on the road. A.J. really fucked his team and the fans with his ridiculous performance. 6 runs in 2 innings; unforgivable. Just go and fucking die you prick. The bullpen goes and helps in the 7th with an extra two runs making it an 8-2 game that basically kills any realistic chance of the offense coming back. But oh wait, we score three in the 8th making it 8-5. Now those two runs in the 7th are huge. Hope is still kind of thin until the Yankees get the fucking Phillies worried in the 9th, down by three, 1st and 3rd none out, top of the order coming up and who should come up? Captain clutch who promptly goes and fucks it all up with a double play. Nice going you fucking rally killing bitch. Inexcusable. I called the series for the Yankees in 6 games, so I hope I'm right as usual, but this horror show tonight pissed me the fuck off. Now Andy Pettite has to pitch on three days rest and he sucks when he does that. I'm hoping for a rain out. If I was George Steinbrenner I'd get out of my wheelchair, escape my straight jacket and bust a friggin' water main at the stadium.

Still, the Yankees, minus Jeter's fuck up, Cano and Texiera swinging their bats like bitches in high heels came back down by 6 runs in the 8th and almost pulled this one out, so my hope that we can polish off these Philly fucks is still there. I'm just angry but writing this helps me work it all out...hold on, another wave of anger brewing...die you loserfuckingcuntscuntsuslessfuckingcunts!!!!!!!!

I'm better now, but I will say this, If the Yankee train derailes on the ride home from Philly killing all on board, I won't shed a tear.

TED'S RAISON D'ETRE: SCHOOLING A WORLD OF DIPSHITS

Ted had a mini confrontation tonight. It wasn't a big deal, but it was still important and if you want to know who Ted really is, this will let you know. Sure I'd been drinking, isn't that when all the good shit happens?

My wife and I had just had a lovely dinner with friends but they are lightweights and retired early so we went out for a few after dinner cocktails. We went to a bar near me that is known for being a little more upscale. It's just a regular fucking bar but in this semi redneck town in Connecticut, a bar with a great beer selection is, by default, upscale. Anyway, I had just finished leading my wife through the crowd to a nice spot at the bar. I was only behind one guy so I could still easily be seen by the bartender. The guy in front of me kind of shifted position so I bullied my way up the Bar as I am wont to do, and asked for our drinks. The service was great, I got our beers, tipped the bartender, turned around and starting having a nice chat with my wife. All was normal, well and peaceful. Then a girl grabbed me from behind.

"Hi Boo Boo!" I heard, as a pair of thick girl hands landed on the shoulder muscles on both sides my neck. I felt the hands land and they began to rub their way across my broad, manly, shoulders. I quickly turned around to find out who the fuck was calling me boo boo and who was rubbing my shoulders in front of my wife. I expected to see some lonely mom, you know, one of the lonely, miserably bored idiots I've been promising to throw a good fucking to for a while, but when I turn my head. The only thing I saw was the smiley, gaped mouthed, porcine face of a dumb, fat, drunk, chick. She opened her sub mental mouth and spoke in a cloying, somewhat beg of a voice.

"Would it be OK if your wife got up and gave my friend back his barstool?"

"No" was my answer. And I turned back around to face my wife.

The voice spoke again.

"You won't give up the barstool? The girl asked incredulously.

"My wife is there now and she's not getting up." I said.

I then saw a face I'm very used to. It's the shocked face of an asshole that expects people to just roll over and give them whatever they want because that's what they're used to. I live to make idiots like this eat shit, not any shit, but my shit.



As I was listening to the girl whine about how mean I am and for being a dick, a young guy came up behind the area where my wife was sitting. Some words were exchanged, then my wife said, "Don't make a big deal out of this. He's being nice." and inexplicitly stood up and tried to give up her bar stool to the guy.

I flipped into murder mode.

"Nobody makes my wife get up." I said rather loudly.

"Who the fuck would make a woman get up out of a chair?" I said to the guy as he backed off like a little cowering puppy.

"What kind of a guy has fat chicks protect their seats?" There was no comment.

"I'm a man, I'm standing, why does this bitch need a seat?" I said pointing towards the young guy to his fat girl pal

The young guy slid wayyyy away

I looked at the fat girl behind me who had started the whole thing and said, "What kind of woman would ask a man to have his wife vacate her seat for another man? How fucking dumb are you? Seriously, just how fucking desperate are you to find a guy ? How fucking stupid are you?"

They quickly moved to another table.

Minutes later, my wife told me that she didn't even realize that it was insulting for someone to ask for her to get up. She just figured if someone asks to have their seat back, that you give it up. I said, "That's all nice baby and Jesus would like that shit N' all, but nobody, and I mean nobody... ever... makes you stand for them!

Nobody puts baby in the corner!"


After the little altercation we had fun


I'm a good date

my raison D'Etre... good beer, good times, protect the one's you love and put a serious woopin' on the evil fuckers of this world. Eliminate the stupid.

THIS IS WHY I BELIEVE IN THE DEATH PENALTY

I'm not a big fan of the power of the state to execute people, there's just too much room for mistakes but when you have two people this fucking stupid, I would have no problem if they were removed from the population. You don't have to electrocute them or strap them down for lethal injections, that's too dignified and orderly. Fuck ups like these two deserve less pomp, just fling them off a cliff or drop them into a bottomless pit somewhere. Better yet, if you don't want to take responsibility for offing them, let nature work for you and simply wedge them into a tight crevasse near the top of some frigid, isolated, mountain with no food or water. Whatever the method, these two dumb fucks have to go.



Anyway, these idiots tried to break into a house using a sharpie to disguise their stupid faces. They used Permanent Marker, with the emphasis on PERMANENT. A neighbor saw them and called cops telling the cops that two men in blackface were trying to break into a house. The two morons drove off before the cops arrived but were pulled over within minutes after matching the description of "Two fucking idiots with magic marker on their faces." Even your average cop could sniff out these criminals without much trouble.


Cop: "Are you the two men who broke into that house?"
Moron with batman logo on face: "Whatever would give you that idea my good man?"

See what I did there, I gave the moron an English accent. Now that's comedy.

I like how the one guy went all batman/Ace Frehley on himself while the other guy was obviously one of those kids that never learned to color within the lines. He just went all freestyle on himself scribbling hither and dither on his dumb mug, in the end proving what a true rule breaker he really is. No law of man nor art will hold him back. He does what he wants, he's the ultimate rebel. Budweiser should do a real man of genius commercial for him.
Here's to you, Mr. permanent marker disguise face man!