STEVE MCNAIR: I'M SURE PLENTY OF WOMEN ARE HAPPY AND PLENTY OF MEN ARE THINKING TWICE

I usually don't celebrate when people die and I didn't when I heard about Steve McNair being murdered but let's face it, the guy fucked up, he latched onto a psycho bitch, promised her a bunch of shit and paid the price. He had it coming. Now, I don't think he deserved to die for cheating on his wife but he was stupid and careless and brought the devil female wrath down upon his head. Now all the women can applaud. Now they think men will think twice before pounding some strange. They're right, men should always think twice we just never do. We love the poon. Steve Mcnair loved the poon and didn't think twice now you can use his head for a mailbox.

I just don't get his idiocy. He was a star in college and in the NFL, he had to have learned a better sense of women. He must have shagged and dumped a million of them. He must have seen plenty of tantrums and fits from his ladies over the years. How the hell did he not see this shit coming? He had to have seen a boatload of crazy shit coming from the stupid whore he was shacking up with before she blew his brains out while he laid sleeping. The fact that he was still stupid enough to bed down with the crazy tramp earns him a place in the hall of fame of stupid guys looking to get fucked up by psychotic women while sleeping. His plaque will be right next to John Wayne Bobbit's, Phil Hartman's and the burning bed, wife beating dude. You'd figure he tagged truckloads of ass in his day so why was he promising some dumb chick that he was gonna leave his wife? Why was he giving her Escalades and other expensive crap? He could have banged a thousand sluts for nothing but he made the ultimate mistake that no rich pussy hound can make. He grew attached, he fell in love. He was weak and now he's dead.

The first thing all smart males learn once they begin interacting with the opposite sex is that women are unpredictable, overly emotional, unstable, obsessive, devious and like to plan and ruminate and think... Like paranoid Hitler's in bunkers. Why do women drive like shit? Simple; because they're not watching the road, they're planning, plotting, thinking about everything but the road. They're going over and over a conversation they just had with a friend, looking for the hidden insults and double meanings. None found? They move onto their next pawn to manipulate. "
"Hmm, how can I get my husband to do the laundry more often?" Can't figure it out? When all else fails, Apply guilt

The best a man can ever hope to do is find a cool girl that's just a smidge less crazy then all of her insane sisters.

Because women grow up and begin bleeding on cue like tamponic metronomes they think that if the world isn't in some sort of predictable cycle, or rhythm then it's out of order. Almost every woman I know obsesses about the weather. They can't change it or control it so it drives them nuts. Steve McNair's crazy murdering bitch might as well have been shooting a tv set permanently tuned in to the weather channel. What all you female nuts fail to realize is that it is your own unhinged, uterine based nitro-glycerin that throws every little thing in the world out of fucking whack. You think the Al Qaeda would exist if women were laid back and cool? Not in a million years. Women are crazy, they drive men crazy, men are industrious especially when driven crazy then the World trade center gets attacked.

But I misspoke, The truly big mistake that McNair made was not getting attached to her it was that he promised her stuff. Women only have memories of the conversations we have with them for the things men PROMISE them. They listen to nothing you say unless it's about an engagement ring or it's some sensitive tid bit or family secret that can in some way be useful to throw back in you face somewhere down the road.

Rule #1 of dealing with women. Promise them nothing. Then they can't ever be disappointed. I've been with my wife for 21 years and I've never promised her anything. I don't even promise to take the garbage out, this way she's always surprised when something actually gets done. And look, I'm writing this so I must still be alive. that proves my mysoginistic ramblings true. You might think I'm a woman hater but I love women. I just understand them. I also don't sleep with them during long rainy spells. These last two rainy months I've blocked the weather channel and slept on a couch with a double pump shotgun on my chest.

NOW THAT REALLY IS A PRECIOUS MOMENT

Big eyed freaky kids roaming each other's ceramic nether regions, always gets me all silly in the pants just thinking about it. Ahh 2nd base, one of my favorites. The first time a girl lets you roam into, under or down her shirt and inside the bra is pretty fucking special. I still remember my first boobie grab, felt like a bag of sand. Actually, I was amazed, dumbfounded and befuddled at how soft yet how perky and gravity defying they were, remember the girl was only 13 or 14, while I was a young lad of 28. They were all Soft and warm and floaty, like a bowl of warm pudding with nipples. Ahh boobs, is there anything better?

I was having this discussion the other night, what entices the male eye and gets the mojo working more? A beautiful face or a big, beautiful rack? We both agreed, a great pair of breasts stuffed into a tight fitting something sure as shit will begin the launch sequence and set my happy haynes hellfire into seek and destroy mode. Kaboom! It really is precious.

COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR...A TRIFECTA OF ICK

Who is this sexy drunk lady? Why it's none other than Three's company's Joyce Dewitt. Looking good Janet. So let's see what happened to the cast of Three's company. Jack? Dead
Mr. Roper? Dead. Mrs. Roper? Dead.
Janet? miserable old drunk hag.
Chrissy? injects her vagina with estrogen and talks about it on Oprah
Mr. Furley? Dead
Larry the creepy swinger friend? Who gives a shit. Man, that show was cursed.

Hey horsey why the long face? Why it's none other than Hillary Swank and her equine chompers jumping into the pilot seat of famous missing lesbian, Amelia Earhart. Was Amelia Earhart really a lesbian? I don't know but she flew a plane and had short hair so that's enough for me. Hillary Swank makes my penis retract like a turtle being kicked around by a bear.

Hey let's break out another freak at the Michael Jackson celebrity douche-a-thon. It's cuddly ex-child actor and junkie Corey Feldman dressed in his finest Jackson regalia. Did Michael ever puff on Feldman's peter? Just look at that moron. I would say it's a resounding Yes!

CALL ME A WUSSFUCK BUT I LIKE THIS SONG AND VIDEO

I like Katy Perry, she's got a knack for catchy tunes, has a good voice and a very nice pair of those things I like so very much. That's usually more than enough in my book but she's also a sassy number with a sense of humor and a propensity for wearing cool 1940's get ups. I'm an egotistical enough douche to think that if I met her and we had some time to bullshit and have a few drinks that I'd soon be plowing her pea patch. I downloaded this song about 4 months ago but only started listening to it about 2 weeks ago now I find myself singing it all the time.

My frame of reference for the song is limited being that she's singing about dudes and I don't pine away for men but I can at least imagine that she's singing about how super fucking wonderful I am. That's why I like this song, I've got a very inflated sense of self worth and this song fits right into my narcissistic imagination. I can imagine every girl singing it about me. Their husbands, boyfriends, what have you's leave them feeling lackluster? Bam! The song is now about captain T to the muthafuckin' E to the better than your boyfriend, D! In my deluded mind the girl I talked to for 5 seconds today at the store is totally thinking of me when she hears this song...I know it! Is Katy Perry really singing about Ted? You're asking me? Of course she is.

WHILE I'M ON STUFF I HATE

I hate roadside memorials. "Hey my friend plowed into this tree and split his head in half...here's a flower." I hate candle light vigils. "Hey my friend got shot by a deranged gun nut let's march with candles." I hate when famous people die and asshole fans leave stuffed animals and flowers and notes and other assorted shit outside their house. "Hey Michael Jackson died, I'm gonna go to his house and leave a stuffed monkey to show the depth of my loss. Sure I didn't know princess Diana but that's not gonna stop me from bringing a pile of crap to Buckingham palace and crying like a hysterical autistic kid when some asshole in the media comes over to ask me why she was so special. Get a life, Stupid Douche fucks.

They're dead, they can't accept your lame ass tokens and could give a rats ass. Move on, give some flowers to someone who's actually alive and might appreciate them. Memorials are for idiots who want to make a spectacle of themselves pretending they care, but it's really about them. Michael's dead? Watch me mourn. I'm the best mourner out there...did you see how empathetic I am and how very deeply I felt about this? See how sensitive I am? I'm so awesome. Where's my candle, I've got a vigil to go to for Darfur rape victims.

When I die, lay me out, throw my ass in hole, get drunk, tell stories about what a dick I was and have a good laugh, wake up with a hangover and think about me every now and then. That's enough and if I see one fucking stuffed animal I'm haunting your ass.

LAUGHING MORONS AND OTHER ANNOYANCES

1) I took my kids to see night at the Museum last week and while the trailers were playing, there was a woman sitting next to who kept laughing at all the all the coming attractions. Now this woman was around 50 years old and all the coming attractions were for movies geared toward 5 year olds. Is there really an adult out there that thinks the fucking chipmunks are funny? I slept through their last goddamn piece of crap flick while my 7 year old laughed his stupid ass off. But he's 7, he's supposed to laugh at singing chipmunks, adults aren't, unless of course that adult was hit in the head with a steel girder and has the intelligence of a chipmunk. I think that was the case with the laughing asshole next to me.

2) LOL-ers: This is a theme I keep returning to but I really can't stand all the people on facebook on blogs, twitter... wherever, who feel a need to annotate their so-called jokes by announcing to everyone that it's supposed to be funny. "I just took a shit! lol!" I will now show you three actual examples from facebook responses from people attached to other people who are barely my acquaintances let alone actual friends, but hey, it's a modern world, they asked for my friendship, I accepted, now I sit there like a moron reading their lame ass responses just to anger myself up.

Post : "I'm listening to Pink Floyd"
Response: GOOD MUSIC TO LISTEN TO WHEN YOU'RE HIGH......................ON LIFE....LOL

Post: "I'm drinking a blue moon"
response: I turned to Shiraz or better known as CHIraz.... lol

Post: "I'm back on the ground in ny"
response: we miss you already
response: oooohhh NOOOO !!! I BEAT U !!! I BET I MISS U MORE !!! Have fun at the beach tomarrow ! lol Ill call u from work ! lol Kiss da kids 4 me !

What the fuck? Is any of that shit remotely worth smiling over let alone laughing out loud at? The last one is just baffling, but whatever, the dude loves his wife and laughs out loud for no fucking reason.
Almost nothing makes me laugh out loud. And you can bet your ass if I write something that I think is funny I don't have to telegraph the fucking thing with a little announcement. It's either funny or it isn't. You telling me that you're laughing over you're own joke just makes you an unfunny dick. There is only one acceptable way to announce what you're writing is a joke. If you write something as a joke but you're afraid of how it appears in writing and that someone might take it the wrong way, everyone knows you do the winking semi-colon right parenthesis ;) There, now you have let the person know it's a joke without going over the top with an LOL, LMAO, the dirtier version, LMMFAO or god fucking fordbid, the dreaded, ROTFL. As Walter would say, Fucking amateurs.

3) as always fat people in go carts at the store. The other day, fridy before the 4th of July, there were like five people in fatso go karts at the supermarket all in produce at the same time, beeping, crashing into everyone and everything making a god damn racket, blocking every fucking aisle, so as I stood there in horror just beyond the doors looking in. I asked the kid gathering the shopping carts this question:
"How do the fat people get from their cars to the obese, golf cart, shopping cycle things in the first place?"

"They walk" said the smirking kid.

"How novel." I said.

"let me ask you for a favor." I then said.

"OK" said the kid a little apprehensively


"If you ever see me riding in one of those beeping, fat people carts... pump a fucking bullet right into my head.

Will you do that for me?"


"Sure." said the laughing kid.

I took a deep breath, walked through the sliding doors and entered the store with a chip on my shoulder the size of a fat person on a chub skooter.

Get outta my way you slovenly motherfuckers!!!!!

TRASH? YOU BETCHA!

Right wing dickholes are still defending this quitting clown. She's still the Queen for a nation of ignorant hillbilly's and ill-informed trash like herself. I Can't wait to see her on Fox news along with noted retards Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity with her own shit brained show. I saw a few Conservative commentators, even Karl Rove laying into her decision to quit. You know it's a stupid political decision when even the biggest, lying, republican prick can't spin your wacky actions in a positive light and basically gives you an F. I guess if you think she really had a chance in politics then it's a fucking idiot move, but It's only a very bad decision if she really thought she had a shot at the republican nomination. From everything I've read about her, she takes no time actually doing her job. She doesn't like the In's and outs of politics, she just likes the power and the notoriety, so If all she really wants is to be famous and make a boatload of cash then it's a smart move. Why stress out your already feeble mind governing a state in the middle of nowhere for chump change when you can milk all the right wing retards in this country with books, speaking appearances and a show? She's a stupid, lying, schmuck but she knows how to self promote and keep herself in the news. She's the Madonna of politics, no talent other than being famous. I love how she bashed Hillary for whining about the press and then quits her governorship because of the mean, old, librul press. David Letterman and vanity fair drove me to quit. What a fucking Dunce, but yeah, I'd still fuck her. Her head would be in the toilet getting a swirly but I'd still throw her a good one.

WHAT A STUPID BITCH

I've been loving all the coverage on the Hillbilly from Wasilla since the Vanity Fair story broke this week exposing what a complete lying sack of moronic shit this dunce is. Andrew Sullivan was also extremely busy all week tallying up all of her easily refutable, nonsensical lies and hammering away at how unbelievably and dangerously close John McCain came to putting this dopey bag of shit in the drivers seat of our country. So I was happily surprised when a disgusted republican neighbor told me today that the lying sack of crap/Jerry Springer episode Governor of Alaska was stepping down for no real reason except that she's an incompetent boob. Upon closer inspection there is much scuttlebutt in Alaska that the Palin's are being investigated for steering state money to a company in return for favors like the beautiful house they had built for them on a lake. So like every other Alaskan republican she's a fucking crook. But who cares about that crap I just love her soap opera-esque, white trash idiocy.

Paul Begala sums up the fucking idiot that Sarah Palin is by critiquing her dumb bitch adios speech

Her statement was incoherent, bizarre and juvenile. The text... uses 2,549 words and 18 exclamation points. Lincoln freed the slaves with 719 words and nary an exclamation; Mr. Jefferson declared our independence in 1,322 words and, again, no exclamation points.

HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

Jenny Sanford, wife of South Carolina's roaming Lothario and Governor, Mark Sanford, says she's still willing to forgive him because of God and Bishop Tutu and...well, because she's as out of her fucking mind as her husband is. Clearly, the man does not dig his wife anymore. In an interview with AP he called the chick he was banging in Argentina his "soul mate" and threw, not only his marriage but his career and possible a Presidential bid, away to be with her. That to me means that Jenny can forgive him all she wants but he's moved on to greener pastures, he wants spicy latino not white toast.

Now I'm all for forgiveness in a marriage if both people still want to be together and the cheater is repentant and the person who got fucked over is willing to forgive. I give couples great credit for trying to work out a nasty situation. In this case I think the dude just wants to bail and could give a fuck about his wife, obviously if he gave a rats ass about her he wouldn't have been so brazenly ridiculous. That chippy on the side must be something else. If Sanford does stick with his wife it will be only politics and the spotlight that will keep him around. I've read about Jenny talking a lot about their kids and the negative impact on them and that's sad, it sucks for the kids that their Dad did this in a totally fucked up and stupid way but she's using those kids in the press like a fucking anchor. Don't leave me! The kids will suffer and everyone will know you don't love yourr kids! It doesn't mean he doesn't love his kids, he just isn't willing to lead a dull ass bored shit life with his mayonnaise momma for his kids when he's got coco loco waiting in the wings.

The guy is obviously a stupid, selfish douche bag but even a douche bag deserves to be happy if they are lucky enough to find true, passionate love, aren't they? or maybe he should just do the right thing, honor his vows, stick with his wife, raise his kids blah blah blah...fuck that, I say dump mother Theresa and rock the latino, Pina Colada time.

Jenny Sanford just released her first statement since her husband, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, gave a long interview to the Associated Press in which he admitted to "crossing the line" several times and called his Argentine lover his "soul mate."

In it, she calls her husband's actions "inexcusable," saying he will be dealing with the consequences for a long time. But she is willing to forgive him.

'...Mark showed a lack of judgment in his recent actions as governor. However, his far more egregious offenses were committed against God, the institutions of marriage and family, our boys and me. Mark has stated that his intent and determination is to save our marriage, and to make amends to the people of South Carolina. I hope he can make good on those intentions, and for the sake of our boys I leave the door open to it. In that spirit of forgiveness, it is up to the people and elected officials of South Carolina to decide whether they will give Mark another chance as well.'