POPPA'S GOTTA BRAND NEW GLASS

Every now and then when you're out shopping you see something that you just have to have, it completes you and without it your life just won't feel whole, this glass does that for me. I had just come off the unbridled high of finding the book, "I'm a Lebowski, You're a Lebowski" for the low, low, price of four dollars and was looking for a pimp cup for my son's nerdy, and quite possibly pederast, teachers assistant, when my still excited shoppers eye came across this beauty. A douchebag pint glass. It had me at hello. I got the douche glass and the Lebowski book for the combined price of twelve American dollars. I couldn't have been happier. The nerdy teacher's assistant would have to make do with a dunkin' donuts gift card. I, on the other hand, now have an emerald sweetheart of a glass to remind myself, of my true self whenever I drink and let that true self exert itself even more than when I'm not boozing.

When I was buying the glass the girl behind the counter, who I had been having a nice chat with about the Big Lebowski and other what have you's, said,
"Are you getting that for your son's teacher?"
I said,
"Ohhhhh no, not on your life. This sweet baby is all mine. I'm the king of douchebags and this is my new goblet."
She said, "Are you really a douchebag?"
I said, "You don't know me. Believe me, the glass speaks the truth, I am. "
But so as to not make her think I was a total asshole on top of being a douchebag, I said, "But I'm usually a douchebag in a good way."
"How so?" She inquired while scanning my items in a small talkish kind of way.
"I often say improper things at awkward times. Many times by accident because I have a big mouth. It can be embarrassingly comical, but I'm also the kind of douchebag that tells other douchbags that they're being real fucking douchebags. Then I hope they don't have guns."
"Ohh..." she said suddenly believing in my doucheness.

She'd heard and seen enough, she understood. She wrapped up my glass. I payed my money and took my loot. I ran home. I washed it. I cracked open a beer. I poured it in my new glass. I drank deep. I was happy.