YOU KNOW I GOT'S TO TRY THIS SHIT

This stuff has Porkfest dare food written all over it. it's got 1170 % of your daily allowance of cholesterol. It is literally an IOU one angioplasty in a can. On the bright side, there's almost no carbs. Actually, if you look at the can closely, the fat calories are only 45 per serving so maybe the 3500 milligrams of cholesterol is a typo. Either way, I'm getting some of this shit. If you truly love something or someone, you have to love the whole thing, you can't go half way. True love means never having to say your sorry about eating pig feet, snouts, entrails and yes, even eating pig brains in milk gravy served delisciously out of a can. Now to prove my love, I'm gonna eat your brain you tasty fucker. I love you.

TED'S PAINFUL MEMORIES OF A LIFETIME OF STUPIDITY

The Visitation

I remember going to visit a girlfriend of mine in the middle of the night while drunk and trying to get her attention by climbing a tree, climbing on her roof and rapping on her window. It was a good plan. She had just come back from her freshman year at NC State and I had just left a party. It was about 4 in the morning and I wanted to see her. It all worked well, I climbed the big pine tree that grew alongside her house, somehow managed to step quietly from tree to roof and shuffled along the steep roof sideways holding onto the shutters and roof shingles of the outcropped window boxes. It all went perfectly until I reached her window and released my second hand to tap on her window. One hand couldn't hold my precarious perch. I lost my grip on her window sill, slammed down onto the shingles and quickly slipped down the roof laying flat like a bug on a windshield with my arms and legs outstretched, grasping for something to hold onto. It was too steep. I came to a crashing thud as my splayed out feet smashed into the rain gutters. I thought all was fine until I realized both feet were jammed into the gutters that were now pulling away from the house.

They pulled away an inch, then two, then three, they were starting to bend. I was about to come crashing down the front of her house with all of the gutters attached to my feet. Thankfully, I had made such a racket that everyone in the house woke up and came to see me, the nice kid from around the corner, feet caught in long, white, narrow canoes, clinging onto the roof of their house for dear life. Not good. They had to lower a rope from the bedroom window where I yanked myself free and like a mountain climber pulled my way up into my friend's window. Her mom let me sleep on the floor.

The Marksman

I remember seeing a kid way down the street in a high winter wind. I had my B.B. gun. I made a joke to my friend that I was gonna shoot the kid's eye out. My friend said, "Not in a million years." Oh yeah? Fuck you, I thought as I raised my gun at the sky at the proper angle to hit something about a block away, I pulled the trigger. I figured the BB would sail a mile away in the wind. There was no chance, it was just a joke. My friend and I stood there after the click of trigger for what seemed 2 or 3 seconds, nothing. I must have missed, WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! The kid grabbed his eye, hit the deck and started rolling around screaming bloody murder. My friend and I did the only manly thing a pair of 11 year old's could do. We threw our guns in the bushes and ran into the basement to hide and watch the kid writhe in pain in the middle of the street.

The Bedwetter

I remember being about 5 and being at a party at My aunt Catherine and Uncle Walter's house in Flushing Queens. It was a big party and the bed in the master bedroom had all the jackets piled up on it. It was getting very late and my parents and relatives were all singing and talking and getting loaded. I crawled off to sleep in the bed with all the jackets. "Wow", I thought, "A mountain of coats and some of them were fur. What a great place to take a nap." I lay myself down on the coats, pulled some on top of me and experienced the sleep of angels. Later that evening, while I slept, my uncle who had had one too many, crawled off to sleep in his bed not knowing that his nephew... me, was sleeping right next to him. I awoke to the sounds of angry loudness and bright lights, my uncle was cursing. There were lot's of "Goddammit's!" and "shits!" what I remember mostly was my uncle wiping at his pants looking at my dad and saying, "Ahh, Jesus Mary and Joseph, you're kid pissed all over me. The whole bed, all the jackets, everything." I felt kind of bad. Party over. But one last thing a little problem my clothes were all wet. What would I wear home? How about girl underwear? Big girl underwear. My cousins were all girls and in their teens. I rode home wearing a wet, piss covered jacket in big, teenage girl, granny panties. My cousin Geri still brings it up to this day. She laughs at me. I still am shamed.



more tales of stupidity to come.

THE BLOWGUARD: BECAUSE FELLATIO IS A CONTACT SPORT

Hey, it's designed by a dentist so it must be good. No more nicks on the wang and no more teeth knocked out by heavy man meat. Protect yourself and your favorite fella. On top of the gumless old lady mouth appeal, it's got a vibrating blue bullet designed for his pleasure and to shake her fillings loose. Finally there's a sex toy that allows a flawless, toothless, hummer and allows it's wearer to take a hit from a linebacker.

ONCE AGAIN, WHY?

As Johhny Rotten said to Sid Vicious in the movie, Sid and Nancy, "Boring Sidney, very Boring." Like I give a crap that Heidi Klum 10 years after gettin' busted every which way but loose by pizza face Seal and poppin' out a few kids decided to show half an ass and a side boob in GQ. Who gives a crap about her? Why would anyone think this boring and extremely non-hot picture of an ex-supermodel should grace the pages of a major magazine? I mean, in real life Heidi Klum is crazzzy hot But if this is supposed to make any guy stop and buy a magazine they're fucking dreaming. She looks like she's selling feminine itch cream.

If I have to see one more celebrity like Heidi or Jennifer Anniston covering their tits awkwardly on the cover of a magazine, I'm gonna give up being a breast man altogether and that will be sad, sad, day but that's what they're driving me to. It's very frustrating. Please, no more of ridiculous neckties or elbows used as nipple covers. What's the big deal? They're tits, show em. Stop wasting my time, stop teasing with the hands on the boobs shots. Jesus Christ I'll be too old to give a shit in 20 years. Show the goods before I die! I have so much more respect for pornstars. Either show it all or don't show anything, cut the crap. Ted's got needs and I like boobs. Aufedersein.

HOLY SHIT! OUR PRESIDENT ISN'T A RETARD ANYMORE!

THANK FUCKING GOD THAT OLD MORONIC PRICK IS GONE! Watched the non state of the union state of the union and was very impressed with this fella. He's always been impressive but last night he seemed even cooler and quick then ever before. When the dicks on the right started clapping about balancing the budget and cutting the huge deficit he quickly called bullshit on their catcalls and reminded them that it was their republican congress and President that blew the shit up. He did it quickly but in such a way as to almost make it a light joke. He didn't come off like an angry, smarmy, dick like the retard that just left the job. Man, I wish I could learn that trick. Anyway, he filled me with pride, that I was smart enough to be a somewhat early supporter of his (hey I gotta pat myself on the back about something,) and with hope that the country won't fucking explode. Keep going Barack, do what you have to, rock this muthafucka.

TED GETS THINGS FROZEN OFF HIS SKIN

I got's to admit it, Ted was a little worried today. I had an appointment at the dermatologist and pretty much thought they were gonna cut my beautiful face off. I've been worried about this appointment for the last few weeks, examining every little thing on my face and going, "yup obviously cancer, they're gonna take a fucking hatchet to my face." I've had many a sunburn on my Irish skin and my family has a skin cancer history so I figured I'd walk in all normal and super handsome and walk out of the place without a nose, which in my case might not have been the worst case scenario. I'd be crazy, beautiful, handsome if they'd cut half my nose off. I say that as humbly as a guy with a broken up, bumpy nose can. I was super, duper happy when all she did was freeze a couple of things that if left alone might have become cancerous. I've still got a face, and a nose on the face, which again, not the greatest news. But I'm happy. Plus, she almost touched my wiener.

BEST SKIT ABOUT TACOS EVER

I dig these clowns from that old MTV skit show, "The State." What's funnier than a mailman who doesn't deliver mail but delivers tacos instead? Nothing. There simply is nothing funnier, unless of course it's a video of a gecko talking about Johnnie hammersticks (see previous post) I can only dream that someday I'll live in a world where someone will come by my house and place spicy, delicious, crunchy, tacos into my mailbox. until then I'll just have to put my own tacos into my mailbox and then pretend I didn't put them there. Which is what I did today and it almost worked because I put them in there with my left hand and that's not a hand I'd normally use, so I kind of forgot having put them in there because my right hand, which is the hand that I like to smell a lot, didn't smell like tacos. I was pleasantly surprised by my own trick.

Oh, who am I kidding? My left handed taco delivery was useless bullshit. I knew all along that I had put the tacos there myself. As soon as I closed the lid I was going crazy for the tacos in my mailbox. They were Delicious but the surprise, zing factor was missing. I guess I'll have to get my neighbor who is my mailman to deliver me my tacos. Maybe if I throw him 20 bucks at the beginning of every week he'll hook me up with the taco delivery. That's my best bet. $20 x 52 weeks = a lot of tacos. Fuck it, I love tacos.

BEST THING TO QUOTE EVER

I've played this thing a million friggin times I can't stop quoting it, it's cracking me up and making me go c-razzzey. very random and non nonsensical. I have to give big props to my Friend Doreen for giving me this treasure. I will now seperate my life into two separate sections. The one before this stupid Drinking out of cups video which was fun but feeling a little empty and the post drinking out of cups life which is filled with wonder. Sea horses 4 eva!

TED DOES MANHATTAN ON THE ROCKS

Had a nice weekend, a very nice weekend. The wife took the kids to Boston to see Disney on ice and I went to NYC to see my friends and get drunk. Mission accomplished. Went to see my two favorite ladies (besides the wife) who were generous enough to start me off with a nice Belgian style beer from Brooklyn Brewery called Local one. It's good stuff, very much in the flavor of Quebec's unibrau Belgian ale, la Fin Du Monde, it's very good and started me off in the right frame of mind and put me well on the path to drunkedness. Then we played some beer pong with the neighbors because it's fun and not because we're regressing and acting like we're in college.
I started off slow losing my first game in a nail biter to the Queen of all competitive endeavors, the very lovely Kelly. But I rallied later on to whip Liz, Bev the Brit and Pete the house rules man. I never got a rematch with K. I would have lost again. Whilst beer ponging I tried for the first time the fancy new Budweiser American ale. Very good beer. I knew the guys who make Bud couldn't be complete retards, just because they put out swill by the stadium full, doesn't mean they can't hunker down and make something tasty, and they did. I'd compare it to a slightly lighter tasting version of Sam Adams Boston ale.

But enough about that, next we were off for bacon and burgers and more bacon. I had bacon in a salad that ruled. It was a regular old salad but there were half inch chunks of bacon that just kicked ass. It was the best thing I've tasted in a long time.
The burgers kicked ass as well but I was kind of awestruck by the bacon in the salad. I don't remember the name of the place but it's got some good dead pig.

Then off to some pizza joint/ bar where I busted out the drinking chops and ordered up some belvedere on the rocks with a twist O' lime. Good vodka. Better conversation, we chatted for a while about my favorite topic, Vaginas. It was an informative discussion, I learned a lot and felt more ready to tackle vagina related tasks in the future. A couple more Vodka's, some strange black olive pizza, then Kelly ran off to stop a crime. My friend Kelly hits a wall and disappears faster than superman. I have come to the realization that she is indeed a superhero. She wins every competitive game and then vanishes in a cloud of dust. Her superhero name is Flatleaver. One second you're talking to her and then the next she leaves. Zip, whoosh, poof. Gone. I think I saw her beating up a mugger and then flying away.

Then we were off again to some other joint, I was a wee bit toasted by this point but still, a couple more beers to end the night were required. Then it was back to the apartment and off to pass out on a love seat with my jacket as a blanket instead of hopping into the nice guestroom bed that had been prepared for me. I'm a fucking moron.

Woke up, took two motrin, watched the cooking channel, ate hot pockets, watched Anthony Bourdain, said goodbye, sat on the FDR drive for an hour and a half. Took 3 plus hours to drive home. Had an Arby's roast beef sandwich. Took a crap. Ahh, that's a weekend.

Big thanks to the gals for taking good care of me. Have fun in the Caribbean.

IT'S SO CUTE I WANT TO TAKE IT HOME AND PUT IT IN A TERRARIUM

That's either one giant shoe or one little ass dude. Surprise! It's both. The worlds tiniest man with a pretty big shoe. C'mon, wouldn't it be nice to have that guy in a little glass case, with a little pond and a swing and a heat lamp displayed right in your living room? You could toss in some sunflower seeds and a bowl of water or maybe one of those bottles like gerbils use. You could have a little running wheel and some tubes for him to play in. Some wood shavings at the bottom. That little fucker would have a pretty sweet life until he dies and I flush his tiny as down the toilet.

TED DOES FACEBOOK: CAN'T STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE

I am not made out for the facebook world. I only started the face book thing about two weeks ago and I can't quite manage it. I keep getting reprimanded by my "friends" because I write shit or show pic's that they don't like. I like facebook, it's fun, it's a cool little program and I get to re-acquaint and keep in touch with people I wouldn't otherwise hear from, but it's simply too uptight for my liking. I can barely write anything or post anything without someone getting mad at me for something. In blogger-land I do and say whatever the fuck I like under the cloud of partial anonymity. I get people busting my balls, calling me a dick, whatever, it's all out there.


I'm gonna keep doing the facebook thing because it's fun and I'm an ego maniac but I'll still have to go off on shit here. I Don't want to make my facebook "friends" feel bad or see dirty words So I'll keep all my provocations to the blogosphere. I am now, and will forever remain, a blogger. Any asshole can have friends, it's only a true titanic sized asshole that has a blogroll.

In honor of my allegiance to blogger, I'm on a motherfucking boat ya'll! Ya'll will appreciate this shit more then those facebook fags.

WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE BEFORE A MORON SHITS OUT A LITTER

The human clown car that just had eight kids has now not only made me angry from her ridiculously selfish and stupid frog spawning of tadpoles but also had to go and make me nauseas from seeing her distended monster gut. I'm gonna fucking hurl all over my monitor. Her belly looks like one of the pods in the movie Alien before it erupts and shoots an octopus onto someone's face.
This nut case should have those kids taken from her and sold on ebay along with Sarah Palin's plane. The doctors that allowed this selfish, needy, freak to gestate a whole brood need to be shot as well.

JESSICA SIMPSON: THE PRICE OF BEING A TALENTLESS MORON

Let this be a lesson to all talentless stupid idiots that just happen to be hot. When you put on a few pounds or get a few wrinkles, people will, with great glee, line up to rip you apart and tear you down. When all you ever have to offer anyone is your beautiful face and body, sooner or later, you're going to be fucked and I don't mean that in a good way and the level of ridicule you receive will be directly proportional to your lack of talent and level of uselessness. Now i don't really think Jessica Simpson is fat.

Somehow the rest of my post got cut off yesterday but basically what i said was,

A) I 'd still fuck her after I managed to undo her twenty leopard skin belts and get her out of her high waisted mommy pants and pull down her granny undies.

B) She knew she was getting fat when her father stopped fucking her.

C) People magazine said her decision to gain weight and lead a normal lifestyle was, "A Bold Choice." "I've been leading a bold lifestyle for the last twenty years, where's my cover story? I was pretty bold in taco bell yesterday eating 6 tacos in 3 minutes. Next time she inhales a whole pie I guess people will call her "groundbreaking"

D) She's a fucking idiot and I hope all the people making fun of her made her feel like shit. But I know she'll be back to her slim and trim hot, retarded self, soon enough.

SORRY, I LIKE REAL PORN

So Bar Refaeli is the new Sports Illustrated cover model of the swimsuit addition. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. I hate bikini chicks, I hate Victoria's secret models. I don't want to be teased by almost naked retards showing half a butt and covering their nipples with their fingers. Who the fuck wants to be tormented by these coke snorting whores? Give me a crazy porn chick with breast implants getting double penetrated and I'm happy.

When I was a kid my friends had posters of hot bikini chicks on their walls. I never saw the point, they would stare and stare at the half naked chick on the wall and then go crazy because that's all she would ever be, a one dimensional picture taunting them with her inaccessibility. Fuck that, I wanted women not posters. Now that I can't have real women I look for the next best thing, hot women who have no shame, morals or decency who will happily get naked and engage in acts of perversity. Bar Refaeli's hot as shit but I refuse to give a crap about her until she's getting gangbanged by ten black midgets. Then she'll not only have my admiration and love but my respect for truly committing to her position in life as a walking, talking, big boobied, fuck doll.

FARE THEE WELL LUX INTERIOR

The man with possibly the greatest stage name ever is dead. Lux Interior, lead singer for the horror psychobilly band The Cramps died of heart disease on Wednesday in LA. He was like a gay Elvis impersonator channeling Iggy Pop. The best thing about the cramps was Lux's wife and guitar player, "Poison" Ivy Rorschach. She played really cool surf guitar and often did so in a bikini or some other revealing outfit. The Cramps made bad music for bad people. Right up my alley. Vaya Con Dios Lux. Go to that big punk show in the sky. Here's the Cramps and Lux tearing it up.

WHY WE REALLY CRUSHED THE KRAUTS IN WWII

ZEE THIRD REICH ISHT KAPUT FOR A GOOT REASON! ZEE UBER MEN WERE NOZING BUT BUNGHOLE BASHING BRATWURST BURGERMEISTERS. A PINK TRIANGLE FOR ALL OF YOU! WHAT ZEE FUCK ISHT GOING ON MIT ZEEZ PREENING SWISHING GAYBOYZ? YOU SHOULD ALL BE FUCKED IN HALF! Big Hat tip to Steve P. Spunk for the awesome, gay, German, soccer, uniform, dance off. truly fucking bizarre.

TED'S FAVORITE ALBUM

There simply aren't enough ventriloquist rap albums out there. I sure know what time it is Flava, it's time to put in rapping dummy. This has the best rapping dummy I've ever heard. What could be better than a black guy in a tuxedo rapping with his afro'd dummy? It's so good you can't tell whether it's Wayne that has the mad skills or Charlie. Nothing makes more sense than listening to a ventriloquist and his dummy rap. Wow, I can't see his lips move. Of course not, it's an album, for all I know the dummy wasn't even in the recording studio but I still dig those phat ass beats and those crazy, dope rhymes. If you're like me, and into both rap and ventriloquism, then this is the album for you.
Yeah Boyeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

"I FEEL FUNNY" WELCOME TO AMY WINEHOUSE LAND KID, ENJOY THE RIDE

Possibly the funniest depiction of a child high on drugs that I've ever seen, and I sell drugs outside of grammar schools so I know of what I speak. "Is this real life?" "I have two fingers" Man that kid is fucking hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. I'm way jealous.

GIRAFFE ULTIMATE FIGHTING

These are some badass giraffes. Who knew they so fucking crazy. That shit has got to hurt. When I was 7, I was at the Washington D.C. zoo and I saw one Giraffe lapping up urine as it came out of another Giraffe, this comes a close second.

WOW! BIG SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH: BABY CHIMPS SMARTER THAN BABY HUMANS! DUH MUTHAFUCKA

Baby Chimps Given Human Love Ace IQ Tests

Feb. 2, 2009 -- Orphaned infant chimpanzees that received attentive, nurturing care from human surrogate mothers were found to be more intellectually advanced than the average human baby when both groups were compared at the age of nine months, according to a new study published in the latest issue of Developmental Psychobiology.

The authors believe the study is the first to ever examine how different types of human care can affect the cognitive development and overall well being of infant chimpanzees.
That's good, I't's good to know a boatload of money and time were spent raising the level of simian self esteem. I can sleep well tonight knowing there's important work being done in the field of spoiling monkey's.

Anyone with a kid could have told you the same thing these nerds found out without wasting all the years of study and experimentation. Kids are fucking dumb, chimps are fucking smart. This is some study, let me get this right: If you love a baby chimp just right he'll do a bunch of stuff that no 9 month old human baby can.

Wow, I'm shocked.

You mean I wasn't swinging in a rain forest canopy 100 feet off the ground by my feet when I was 9 months old?

You mean I wasn't picking nits, chiggers and ticks off my mother's scalp when I was an infant? That's pretty shocking.

C'mon man, I've seen these chimp bastards ride tricycles, smoke cigars and get blasted into space. Little humans shit themselves, cry and bang their heads on stuff. So the chimps win. Score one for you, you hairy bastards, But, when human kids grow up, they usually stop flinging their shit at people and cannibalizing each other. So Score one for us! It's a stinking tie, you're catching up! You damn dirty apes! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

Alright, I've got to think. I'm frightened, worried, armed and angry. This is when most of my best decisions are made. OK, moment of clarity, I've got it. Just in case this is the moment Charlton Heston warned us about. I've decided to take action. I'm not gonna just let some brainy, chimp, fucks walk into our schools and take our kids place in kindergarten class nor will I allow them to blow up the statue of liberty. So tomorrow I will begin what I've dubbed, Operation Chimp Slaughter. I'm just gonna go to labs, zoo's and Michael Jacksons house with a crowbar, sledgehammer and a 2x4 and work on my home run swing a little. See how smart you feel cheetah when my sledgehammer comes flying at your genius, monkey, skull.
Shit, I can't wait, I'm eating panzee brain stew tomorrow.

Fuck you Cornelius, not on my watch.

TED IS FUCKING PSYCHIC

Check post below and bathe in my eerie precognitive powers. I'm fucking good.

MY SUPER BOWL PREDICTION

I'll use my tried and true same old superbowl prediction joke, My prediction for this year, I'll get drunk my wife will get mad at me. Oh man, that's rich. Hilarity. But back to football, I called last years major league upset of the Giants over the Patriots. I was off on total points but correct on differential and winner. So today we have the upstart cardinals against the perennial powerhouse, the Pittsburgh Steelers. So it's the Steelers D against the offense of Arizona. I call the game for Pittsburgh. Their defense is hardcore and they can run the ball and Big Ben is a badass, big arm, tough guy, hard to drag down. No big deal there, but I think it will be close in the fourth quarter because of the Cardinals explosive offense will start clicking in the final 10 minutes but in the end the Steelers defense will hold on by forcing a turnover by smacking Kurt
( I fumble a lot when sacked) Warner in his born again, bitch face. Where's your God now Kurt? yeahhhh.
Steelers 27
Cardinals 23