YANKY MY WANKY, ME SO HORNY, ME GO TO CHINESE SPERMBANK

Me chinese, me play joke, me jerk you off then drink a coke. I'm glad to see the guys are wearing their masks and shower caps while the ladies have on very fashionable jerk off lids. They're gonna be part of the Chinese fall collection available at Target. The girl in the foreground has mastered the tug with simultaneous nutrub, that's a dificulty rating of 4 so she ge's an A. I'm surprised the gals aren't wearing eye protection. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. This is supposedly a real thing in China, if so, I'm planning my trip. I know most folks from America go there and come back with a kid but I'm gonna go and drop one off into a ladies hand. Put your goggles on ladies. Wax on, wax off. Me love you long time. squeeka, squeeka, Bwaaaaaang!

WHY I DON'T GO TO CHURCH

Here's an awesome trailer for a frightening film about a church band. It's like the commitments except instead of Irish drunks singing soul music you have boring goody goody fundies singing Jesus music. I seriously could never hang out with actual religious people. Fundies make my fucking skin crawl. I like to know the sins of the people I hang with. Born again jesus fag hags keep all that shit repressed and bottled up and then smoke meth and glory hole truckers at rest stops. Fucking freaks. That's why I liked growing up catholic, there's not a single Jesus freak among us, just a few pedophile priests and abortion activists but aside from them Catholics just kneel and stand when they tell us and repeat prayers along with everyone else. There's no scripture, barely any singing or hand holding or testifying or any of that crap. Go, sit, listen, eat, leave, watch football. Praise the lord one hour and I'm good with God. I wish they'd go back to the latin mass I don't want to know whatever the fuck they're talking about anyway. Make it sound cool and mysterious, have some incense, a light show, fog machine, maybe a vampire and then play some bauhaus. Then I'd go to church. Watch this shit, it's so bad it's heavenly.

HOW TO SPOT AN ASSHOLE: LESSON # 3

Earlier on this blog, I've described how to spot an asshole lesson about people
A) who take their little dogs with them everywhere as if it is an accessory because they are vapid uninteresting assholes
B) pretty much anyone who wears a blue tooth phone and isn't in the midst of driving.

Today's lesson is about an asshole I ran across yesterday at the YMCA who was walking on the treadmill next to mine while very loudly talking on her cell phone. This dunce was walking about 2.5 miles per hour, basically shouting into her cell phone pissing everyone off. I could find a one legged blind man who could walk faster than 2.5 mph, so what the hell was the moron doing there in the first place? She wasn't working out. She was gabbing and taking a stroll to nowhere. I put my ipod on and put the volume up as loud as I could without bringing on deafness but because we were in a gym and there were machines buzzing, the stupid bitch just kept talking louder and louder to her friend about some guy who thinks she's a stupid, fat, pig. Smart Guy. I could hear her through my songs which really pissed me off so I started singing aloud while I jogged. You know how wonderfull it is when someone sings while they're wearing head phones, it sounds great. Asshole was chatting away so I started singing a little Mike Ness, Six More Miles, lowly at first,

"oh the rain is slowly falling, and my heart is so sore, six more miles to leave my darling, never on this earth to me no more" I picked up the volume for the chorus

"Six more miles, to the graveyard, six more miles, lord it's sad, six more miles to leave my darling, she's the best friend I ever had." Then I started imitating the steel guitar/ fiddle solo, which anyone who knows me sounds something like this," shwee shwee shweee... naaaa neee nee naaa...shwaaa shweee shwee naaaa...."

anyway, fatso asshole got the hint and dragged her lumpy ass off the treadmill to gab near the free weights and not a second too soon, I was getting pretty fucking winded trying to run and violin solo aloud. I stopped solo-ing- and looked over at the woman on the other side of asshole and she looked at me and laughed. Lesson to assholes, don't talk on cell phones while exercising, The guy next to you just might just be an even bigger asshole than you, so go the fuck outside to talk.

AWESOME SITE ABOUT TEENAGE MORONS HAVING KIDS

If anyone has shopped in a mall or at Wal-Mart lately then there's a good chance you've come across a stupid pregnant teen or two. It's usually a sloppy trailer trash looking honky broad with extra big earings, back fat and flab oozing out of her too small shirt and cascading over her low rise jeans with the protruding baby belly as the coup de grace. She's usually walking with:
A) A white dude with a tattoo on his neck with extra long white T-shirt.
B) A Puerto Rican or Latino guy with neck tattoo and extra long white T-shirt
C) Black dude with extra long white T-shirt. If it's a black guy with a white chick, she's usually about 300 pounds. The brothers do not discriminate. They like that shit by the pound.
D) all of the above- wannabe rappers of no discernible race

This is the future. If I was Glenn Beck I'd be crying. If you've seen Idiocracy we all know how this ends. De-evolution. Morons birthing morons, birthing morons, birthing morons until the human gene pool is nothing but a big batch of Sarah Palin's children. So if you've seen your fair share of idiots already pregnant with future idiots and asked yourself, "Why on earth is this fucking dunce procreating?" Then this is the website for you. Why the fuck do you have a kid?
It only has two pages but hopefully it will become popular and help usher in a new era of stigmatization and humiliation upon all the bastard incubators out there. Let's bring the word bastard back. I know it's not the little baby's fault that its mother is a stupid whore but maybe if we heap enough scorn upon these sad children, some of their idiot parents might think twice before they spread for the next guy with a philly blunt and a dew rag.

IF YOU'RE A REPUBLICAN THERE'S A PRETTY GOOD CHANCE THAT BESIDES BEING A MAJOR LEAGUE DOUCHEBAG YOU ARE ALSO A FUCKING MORON

Way to spell you dumb whore. A bunch of angry white assholes got together in Stamford to have a "tea party" to cry about the fact that their taxes will be going all the way up to the levels of the Clinton years. Poor, poor, rich whiners. Their taxes are going to go up 3% in three years. How will they maintain their douchebag country club lifestyles? Whose gonna pay for the Mexicans that they hate and wish were kicked out of the country to mow their lawns and clean their pools? What these idiots don't understand is if you take your marching orders from insane racist retards like Rush Limbaugh and Glen Beck, then you are as dumb as shit and deserve all the bad shit that happens to you. Glen Beck has not a single fact behind any of the apocalyptic, left behind bullshit that he says. He cries about a vanishing America that never even existed. He literally has no idea of what he's talking about, all he knows is there is a black democrat in the White house so it's time to grab your guns and freak out. He's a seriously stupid, uneducated drunk from Connecticut whose greatest gift is that he's a little bitch that can cry on cue and thinks FEMA has concentration camps somewhere in America. This is the guy these stupid, white, Conservative dildos are following. He and Joe the Plumber and Sarah Palin. Between the three of them you couldn't find enough synapses sparking in their brains to power a fucking light bulb and this is the Republican hierarchy. This is why the GOP is dead. It's a party filled with bitter, frightened, incurious, intellectually barren, white idiots with no idea of what they're talking about led by uneducated people who believe they know the truth and feel a certain way in their guts and pray all the time but don't take a fucking second to check with the dirty little things called facts. They think Obama is a communist while he's letting banks and wall street rape every taxpayer in the country in order to keep CEO's happy and the stock market from shitting it's gay pants every day. If he was a real communist he'd just fucking take over every bank and take all the rich people's shit,throw their useless asses in jail and let them fucking rot. I wish he was a communist so these tea party assholes had something to actually fear. A little reign of terror against these assholes would make me very happy.

WHY I'M INSANE

Because of women like this. The fact that this exists somewhere out in the world does not make me happy, it makes me crazy. This picture of Kelly Brook makes me wish I was blind. If I can't grope it, I don't want to see it. Period. I hate you God for you are the king of all teases.
You put this in the world and then say, fuck you, you're not gonna get it. You started with the forbidden fruit and the tree of knowledge and ended up with torturing mankind with the tree of unattainable poon. Sick fucking bastard.

TED GOES TO HOCKEY GAME, SEES HOT T-SHIRT CHICKS, GET'S DRUNK, HAS FUN

The wife and I took a quick, little, drive up to Hartford Saturday night to meet my favorite cousin and his wife and a couple of their friends to see a minor league Hockey game and to do some drinking. Had an awesome time. The game was very entertaining. Had many beers, saw hot chicks skating around and we taught the two kids in front of us a whole new vocabulary they'll never forget. We were in the second row so we had many chances to see, hear and feel people having their faces, heads and bodies smashed into the boards and into the glass right in front of us. Those minor league guys play the game hard. They were beating the fuck out of each other in the proper, I want to make it to the pro's, fashion. It was a great game, the Rangers minor league team, the Hartford Wolfpack tied the score with 5 minutes to play and beat the Boston Bruins farm team in a shoot out in over time. After the game we walked around the corner over to McKinnon's and drank many Guinness's and shots of Jame-o until my wife gave me the, "We're leaving now you fucking drunk" look. In amongst the boozing there was much frivolity hilarity and photo taking of our women's cleavage and racks. Got Home around 12:30 paid the babysitter, made some eggs for the wife and myself and slept until 11:00 sunday morning. Nice.

Guinness is good for you

My man Mikey coming through with a round of love. Mike's famous around Jet's fans circle for ordering a Chad Cascadden jersey for about 240 bucks and then having it arrive misspelled. Why a Chad Cascadden jersey in the first place? Because my cousin and his friends like to get the jerseys of the most random, unknown, unused, white guys on the team. Kinda racist but definitely Funny.

Nice pervy view from the 2nd row of the T-shirt gal

Because there's basically nothing to do in Connecticut people tend to get really enthusiastic about their teams. The kids at this game were having a blast. Why oh why did the fucking Whalers ever leave?

Giving the wolf some T-shirt ammo for his gun

Placing a puck for a shootout contest. I had to get the bent over shot. I'm incorrigible... and probably a future sex offender.

That's it, I'm getting season tickets

I'M NOT SAYIN', I'M JUST SAYIN'

PADMA LAKSHMI IS HOTTER THAN CHICKEN VINDALOO SERVED ON MY BALLS

Shiva H. Vishnu, this woman oozes sex like I ooze unbridled genius and laziness. I can't believe she used to let Salman Rushdie roam his dirty, little, Satanic verse hands all over her spicy regions. I watch Top Chef and think if I had to cook while she was around I'd end up searing my hand on a hot griddle on purpose just to get the filthy thoughts of me violating her smokey, sultry self out of my head. I'm not kidding, she hits me in a mysterious region I call the "HOLY SHIT" zone. When she walks out on top chef my thoughts immediately turn to steamy jungle, tiger, prey, wild, Tarzan, swinging, vine, mud sex. I want to eat a giant bowl of juicy, ripened fruit with her by the soft spray of a jungle waterfall. I want to feed her pineapple, rub her thighs with coconut milk, mash mango's on her ass and then break out the banana's and lemons. I'd have to clam up her monotone, robot voice, with a fist full of kiwi's first but then I'd go to town on her Taj Mahal. I'd perform crazy kundalini and rock her chakras out the back of her ass.

When I watch the show one of the questions I always ask my wife is, "Do you think Padma is wearing panties?" My wife, cool woman that she is, just rolls her eys and never answers me. For the record, I always think she's not. It angers me that Tom Colicchio has probably roamed her exotic lands of beauty just because he can fucking cook. If only I could cook more than one decent pasta dish I'd go on Top Chef and win her over with my all around awesomeness. I'd make her a bowl of cheerios, woo her with my wit, charm, general base of worldly knowledge, manly looks and rufees and then escape to a hidden jungle waterfall where my bowl of fruit would await. There aren't any steamy waterfalls near my house so I'd have to take her to the Rainforest Cafe at the mall, but make no mistake, once there, it would be mango time, oh yes, it would. Ted Velvet: unpack your wang...and stay.

I HAVE TO ADMIT IT, TED IS SHALLOW

I was out with son #2 yesterday when I ran into a woman whose son used to go to pre-school with son #1. I had noticed her while shopping a few minutes earlier. I saw from behind a woman wearing ridiculously high, high heels and super tight jeans on top of her already tall 5-9 frame. I took notice and said a mental "yikes, that am some fine stuff right there." Then before I could see her face I thought, " Those slutty pumps remind me of that hot mom from 3 years ago." Bing! She turns around it's the right woman, we chat, and have a good ol' time reminiscing and catching up. Then as we part it strikes me that this is the only woman from that class that I would remember. She's the only mom back then that I used to talk to. Then I started to think about the mom's I talk to now, all of them are on the upside of good looking. The very butch lesbian couple that just had a baby girl... not so much with the small talk. I barely say hello to them, not because they're lesbians but because there is no upside. I'll hold the door for them and smile but there seems to be an understanding that they think I'm a disgusting piece of shit and that I find them to be troll-like and douche chilling to look at. I'm always polite and friendly but I just don't waste much time with them. It's not a conscious decision, I just find myself not extending myself the way I do if the chick is semi-hot. I don't think I'm gonna bang any of these married mom's I talk to but if I have to deal with the bullshit of making small talk with woman about school and kids and stuff, they might as well be easy on the eyes and at least give me some fantastical, day dreamy, perv thoughts. It also just so happens that in this class, the cool chicks are the hot chicks. And I only talk to cool chicks...and hot chicks it would seem. I'm not happy about my shallowness but I must accept it and embrace it. For all the hot lonely mom's out there. Hot mom's need attention too.

I do find my shallowness has it's limits though. There's a hot Asian nanny that I'd like to talk to but she barely speaks English and I don't want to waste my time trying to figure out what the fuck she's saying.

LUCKY KID GET'S SECOND CHANCE AT LIFE: DODGES DIRTY WHORE'S BABY BULLET

DNA tests show boy-dad Alfie Patten is NOT the daddy

Look at that little kid. The idea that that little baby faced boy could father a child just about freaked out all of England. Luckily for him he got laid at 13 by the town tramp and just gets to be a cool 13 year old non-virgin not a very un-cool 13 year old father. Seems the 14 year old town bicycle mother was one busy little beaver. I can't even imagine being a father to a 14 year old girl and taking her to the doctor for contraceptives.

"Hi doc, my little 14 year old dick addict daughter needs a plug or cork or some kind of child safety lid to shut down her high school musical of a vagina, if you don't have one of those just dope her up with something to kill the gallons of jism being pumped into her every day during snack time. Can't you just rip out her Fallopian tubes or crush her ovaries or something so she can never, ever, reproduce please?"

Not all the blame should be put on the girl so I would also hope that the little 13 year old boy learned his lesson, uses his head and keeps his schwantz in his pants from now on, but a penis that's reached the end zone is like a Genie, once it gets rubbed out, there's no putting it back in the bottle. So this is the advice I'd give him. Wear a rubber and don't fuck around with lying, multi-partnered tramps. They should make kids play this sperm game it'll teach them about how this shit all works. It's actually fun.

The schoolboy alleged to have become a dad aged 12 is not the baby’s father, the Mirror can reveal.

Alfie Patten, now 13, had a £300 DNA test after half a dozen boys claimed to have slept with schoolgirl pal Chantelle Stedman, 15.

The result will be a blow to Alfie who was “devastated” by the boys’ claims and “adored” Maisie.

Chantelle became pregnant aged 14 after she “forgot to take” her contraceptive pill last May.

At the time, she claimed: “Alfie’s the only boy I’ve been with.”

PARDON ME IF I'VE BEEN UNUSUALLY RANDY

I guess it's just that time of year when Ted's fancy turns to all things carnal and Yankees. But to any of my family or friends who may have found my overly libidinous posts too much for their delicate sensibilities I heartfully apologize but feel I must remain true to my code and to my unending need to reveal my ridiculous thought patterns to any one who will read it. I'm a man, man, and therefore I must maintain the ability to let my creative man juices flow no matter where they may ooze. Plus, I feel I am doing a favor to every woman out there that thinks her man is a quiet, happy, content, eunuch. Trust me when I say this, most of the stupid, lustful, pervy shit I write about is going through your man's head as well, he just isn't as able to convey it as clearly and as well thought out and with such scientific methodolgy as I do, plus he's not as funny as me. Having money is a good start toward getting into girls pants but making them laugh is a lot cheaper and unless they're just money grubbing whores, which is about a 35% chance, it works almost as well.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON: NOT CARRYING MY CHILD...YET

MMMMM great googely moogely what a woman. She's smoldering like a bed of hot coals with giant tits. Me want some O' that. She's been married now for what? Eight months and no baby in her tummy? Her obviously closeted homosexual husband Ryan Reynolds is clearly not all man. If I were her man she would be so filled with babies they'd be falling out of her ears, I'd knock her up so prodigiously she'd make octomom look like a California condor. There would be so many babies dropping from her she'd sound like a leaky faucet. She am one sweet honey of a woman. Curvy, lippy, titty, all the good stuff wrapped in one little package of extreme do-ability. I consider it a crime that she is not yet carrying any of my seed.

There is one thing about that picture that bothers me though, what's up with her lip? Looks like she's missing a tooth, maybe that gay boy husband of hers knocked her tooth out in a fit of impotent rage. I'm gonna go show that man bitch what being a man is all about. I'm gonna knock up his woman like a rogue lion taking over a pride. Then I'm gonna mark my territory by whizzing all over his gay shit. You been put on notice Mr. Reynold's, I'm gonna get all humpy on your woman.

A WEBSITE FOR PEOPLE WHO HATE HAPPY COUPLES ON FACEBOOK

Blech! gonna puke my balls out my mouth. No one likes a couple who hates each other and should just split up or divorce but no one likes a lovey, dovey, happy couple that feels the need to let everyone else in the fucking world know how they feel about each other either. Here's a site called shut the fuck up marrieds that's dedicated to the idea that happy couples should just shut the fuck up and stop bothering all the miserable people out there with their sickeningly, syrupy, facebook updates. I haven't seen any of this crap amongst my friends on facebook but I do notice a little bit too much much heartfelt love of children and actual emotional postings which I find to be just flat out wrong. Hey, I post my kid's pictures all the time and I love the crap out of them but I'd never admit that in public let alone state aloud that I'm proud of them. Disgusting. I like to keep people guessing. Do I love them? Will I kill them? Pick em. Remember, in my world the only emotions that should be displayed publicly are rage or laughter, and the laughter generally has to be at someone else's expense. Anything else is a form of weakness that I can not stomach. And I shit you not, if I see one more person on facebook respond with an LOL or a ROFL or LMAO to something that isn't actually funny, I will slap them around like one legged hookers . I have never LOL'd at anything and even if I did I would have the restraint to keep that weakness to myself. Thank you.

CINDY CRAWFORD IS ONE SOAPY HO

Aci machi...wears my loofah? I stared at this picture for a good five minutes today. I chipped a tooth on the monitor trying to bite her thigh. Egad, Me likey this here photo but it is also torturous to my weary man soul. I'm already always worked up and then this old hooker has to start sending out soapy vagina pix? Can't a man catch a break from this ever sexualized media? More importantly, Can I get a job as her official shaver? I would carefully and lovingly keep her neat...always. Make it all sparkling and shiny like a crome fender and then give it a whack with a buffing rag. If I had Five O'clock shadow and needed a shave do you think she would mind if I just kind of borrowed some lather from her crotch using only my face to retrieve it? Just saying, looks like she's got some to spare.

This photo is from allure magazine where Cindy tells of her beauty and skin regiment which basically boils down to rubbing different skin creams, sunscreens and lotions all over her body 6 or 7 times a day. Gotta keep that skin hydrated and moist and smooth and supple and ...oops there I go again. Gotta go take care of something.

AM I STILL A BREAST MAN? THE WAR BETWEEN T & A RAGES WITHIN TED

Yesterday while making the rounds doing the weekend-y kind of stuff I had to ask myself a serious question. Am I still a boob man? I caught myself appreciating the posterior of the female form more and more lately. Had I given up on boobs? Did I no longer care? Was I becoming a complete ass man? This shook me to the core. I had this epiphany while I was in the toy aisle at target. I saw a rear end that was truly sublime, so curvaceous and perfect and neatly painted into a pair of jeans that for a moment, I contemplated completely swearing off breasts altogether. I almost went up to the young woman to compliment her but I feared it might be taken the wrong way, and that her mom might take offense. Instead I took the less creepy route and just kind of followed her around for an hour. They eventually caught on to me when I went to the well one too many times and threw my keys on the ground right behind her magical ass, I mumbled some gibberish aloud in Spanish and darted away. I thought about that ass all day. I wanted to tske care of it. I wanted to make it a cake. I wanted to hold it and snuggle it and tell it everything was gonna be alright, I wanted to rest my face on it and just... be. The vision of ass could not be shaken loose. The Pitt vs. Oklahoma State game only made me think of ass more and more, everytime someone drained a three pointer I wished it was me launching three point shots at that perfect ass. While stuck in this ass dreaming sleepwalk, I somehow managed to go food shopping, and it was there that I opened Esquire magazine and saw a picture of Singer Katy Perry in a bustier, she's got an awesome rack. Just like that I was back to my old self. A moderate man who can appreciate both a stunning rack and a perfect apple bottom. I see no need to pick sides in this war. I can be friends with both, a double agent if you will. They both have their attributes and I think I can work well wedged between both of them. It's like picking who is your favorite child, it can't be done. I am father to both, boobies and ass, so come to poppa.

HOW THE HELL DID I MISS THIS? THERE'S A BLIND AMERICAN IDOL DUDE...AND HE KIND OF SUCKS

I hadn't been paying any attention to American idol this season but the other night my wife and I sat down for a few hours of American idol episodes that we recorded on the dvr. I didn't know there was a fucking blind guy. Not that it's a big deal but it's totally not fair. The blind guy kind of sucks and the only reason he's still there is because people feel bad for him. I know this might sound discriminatory but you can't put blind people on the show unless they are as good as Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder or Jose Feliciano. There should be a rule that says unless this person is a fucking lights out, tremendous talent, the best we've ever heard, then they can't come on. It just isn't fair to the other people who suck. They had a bunch of elimination rounds and this blind dude kept skating through while your aveerage sighted no-talent got sent packing. I mean, he can play piano well but he sings like an old guy in a retirement home with mouth full of wheatina. There was a Michael Jackson episode where everone sang Michael's songs and the blind dude sang on of those inspirational, don't vote me off because I'm fucking blind, horseshit tunes. The song was called, Keep the Faith, It was a disgusting, trite, my eyes don't work for shit, schmaltzy bag full of dirty cocks. Look at these hackneyed bush league lyrics,

Cuz you can
Climb the highest mountain
Swim the deepest sea-ee

All you need is the will to want it
And a
Little self-esteem

Believe in yourself no matter what it's gonna take
You can be a winner but you gotta keep the faith
Gon' keep it brother



The guy might as well pretend to slip and fall on the floor and then flail around reaching for his cane while crying "I'm Blind! Vote for me so I can afford a seeing eye dog! If you don't vote for me I'll fall down more!"

This guy is almost as bad as the american idol dude with the dead wife..oy vey, every song is an ode to his wife. Jesus take the wheel...my fucking wife died!!!! Vote for me!!!!!

OBAMA PUTS FOOT IN MOUTH. VELVET STYLE

The president was Jay Leno's Tonight Show last night and said we should kill all the retards or something like that, I don't know, I wasn't watching. Actually I was watching and what he really said was that his low bowling score of 129 was like that of someone in the Special Olympics. How dare he. That's about what I bowl. Is the president calling me a retard? Is he calling all of us that are just glad to get over 100 when we bowl special Olympians? I think he owes each and every one of this nations not mentally or physically challenged people who suck at bowling an apology and a bail out bonus of say 5.8 million or so. In all seriousness, it was a pretty stupid thing to say but from someone who says dumb shit all the time, I offer my condolences and my congratulations to President. I feel like he and I are simpatico this morning. Now he knows what it's like to wake up with a gnawing embarrassment and queasy pain brought on by the previous night's loose tongued moments. The type of morning that before you even open your eyes, you say, "Man, I'm a fucking idiot." He's more like me than I ever thought he would be which of course, makes me just love him all the more. Keep up your insensitive assault on the less fortunate and disabled mister President. I'm rooting for you.

WHAT'S ON MY MIND...NOT MUCH AT ALL

mmmm. I've been a little under the weather lately. I got twelve hours of sleep last night and still feel like shit but while I lay there half sleeping and sweating and feeling like crap i started thinking about some crap.

1) The Watchmen: I haven't seen it, I don't know much about it, but by seeing stuff about it on the Internet and on TV I'm fairly convinced that if you're a grown man and give two shits about these kinds of movies and whether or not they are "faithful" to the original comic book, then you're a gay homo. I used to like comics too, but once I discovered that girls will let me do stuff to them while they're naked I kind of forgot all about my comic books. No offense, but The whole adult comic books, watchmen thing is pretty fucking gay.

had to nuke spies

3) AIG: It's pissed me off that the Obama administration has been such pussies dealing with these cocksuckers. You've got Chris Dodd weakening his own golden parachute/ bonus stipulation rule at the behest of the Fed because the bonuses are guaranteed in contracts and the government might get sued if they restricted them. Bull fucking shit. You are the government, you fucking own AIG now. Treat it like it's your bitch, because it is. Fire everyone of those motherfuckers, lock them in their houses and burn them down around them. Then take that bonus money and give it to people who have earned it. Why not give some returning veterans an extra little something in their pay. This tip toeing around wall street and the banking industry is cowardly. Take over the shit banks run them the way you want to. There's a million people looking for work, I'm sure some of them know how to run a bank without destroying the entire economy.

TED BRINGS THE JOYS OF SAINT PATRICK'S DAY TO A PRE-K CLASS

So my son's pre-k teacher asked me if I might mind reading a story to the kids on Saint Patrick's day. I said, "No, that won't be a problem." Then she said, "You sing in a band don't you?" And I said ,"Yes." "Well," the teacher said, "Then you could probably sing us all a song as well." I hemmed and hawed and said, "Well...um... most of the songs I sing are about drunks, whores and politically motivated revenge murders, but maybe if I wrack my brain I can come up with something for the kids." "Fine, be here at noon."

So I thought about the Irish songs I know that are kid friendly that I know the words to. I figured I'd do the Gypsy Rover. The Fucking wiggles do a version of that song so it would definitely be safe but I didn't have all the lyrics down cold so I didn't want to stammer over words in front of a bunch of little idiots and the song is a little boring so I decided to change songs. I thought of doing the Irish rover, a song about a giant sailing ship where all the sailors die of measles and even the Captain's dog drowns when the boat sinks. Too dark, I thought, plus there's a lot of singing about whores and has lines like, "he rolled the dames under and over." Not good, I thought. Then I started singing the Wild Rover, a song about a no good drunk that makes it big and comes home with a bag full of loot. OK that's good. Now I've just got to change the lyrics. That was easy enough. I changed the line,
"I've been a wild rover for many a year
and I spent all my money on whiskey and beer."

To

"I've been a wild rover for many a year and
I spent all my money on candy and toys"

Granted t doesn't rhyme for shit but it gets me out of the whole, promoting the consumption of alcohol to minors, thing.

So after I read my book about a nice old Irish harpist who helps a leprechaun and receives a golden harp in return, I put the kids into three sections. There was the "NO" section. the "NAY" section and the "NEVER" section. So when I sang the song and I came to the chorus, I just pointed at the group assigned to the lyric and they would shout it out.

By the time the song ended the little kid's sounded like a drunken chorus at O'Malley's pub. I had them banging on their chairs, shouting the chorus, it was pretty funny. I'll have to See if the kid's start singing it at home. The parents might be a tad confused.

YUM, YUM ,EAT EM UP

I bought my kids one of those Our Gang/ Little Rascals, DVDs and on it is one of the most famously racist caricatures ever put on film. When I was a kid they stopped showing this one on TV because of all the complaints. Of course, my kid's love it. This is the famous or infamous, "The kid from Borneo" episode where the gang believe that a native headhunter that's part of a circus sideshow is Spanky's uncle George, because uncle George is the "Black sheep of the family." All ridiculous racist jokes aside it really is a funny episode. The Borneo man or uncle George as all the kid's keep calling him eats and eats and eats everything that spanky hands to him. And all he can say is, "Yum, Yum, eat em up." The guy eats a tin of sardines I mean the whole tin can, about 20 hot dogs, a whole log of salami, a bowl of hard boiled eggs, a bottle of tabasco sauce, a jar of mustard and chugs a gallon of wine in about 30 seconds, it's some funny stuff. I was watching it with my kid's and we were all laughing aloud as "Uncle George" threw people out a 2nd story window. It might be racist as all hell but it's some funny shit. Now I just have to get My kids to stop quoting it every five seconds.

FUN FUCKING NIGHT

Ahh, to be drinking with friends and family while listening to an awesome band. There is nothing finer. I almost gave my sister a heart attack tear assing through Harlem on my across town to get to Broadway so I could get downtown to get my drink on and see the show. I might have been a tad keyed up and in rage driving mode but in my defense, after almost three hours of traffic, when I reached Manhattan, I simply wasn't gonna follow the rules of the road anymore. Little kid with mother in intersection, sorry, I almost killed you both. Cross at the green bitch.

As for the show, it was a serious good time. Shane may not sound as good as he once did and might slur his words a bit but the band itself is a mighty beast. They are simply awesome. It seemed to go rather fast and we missed the first two songs because we were out drinking and buying pizza slices and walking and losing cousins. I tried to get some real close shots up front but because I was being pushed to and fro by the mosh of people I couldn't stabilize the camera and the flash wouldn't go off. There are four problems with the night.

1) We got in NYC too late. We left my house too late. Hit rush hour traffic going to NY and I didn't get my swirl on proper before the show. Unacceptable.

2) Not enough bartenders. The show was at Roseland which has a big, long, bar. But there's only about 8 bartenders working...at a Pogues show?????? By the time I got to order, I asked for ten beers. I wasn't gonna fuck around and wait again so I threw down my sixty bucks and got some help to lug my brews.

3) The coat check. It took forever to get our jackets after the show which meant less post show drinking. We rallied after the show at Gallaghers, an old time steakhouse across the street that every famous person to ever step foot in NY has eaten and drank in. It's a cool, throw back kind of place the rat pack would hang out in. Sixty dollars for a tiny steak. We had a great time afterwards drinking and bullshitting and getting shushed by the diners but it could have been longer and even greater and I could have snuck in a couple more beers if not for the damn coat check lines.

4) Our friend Kelly wasn't feeling well and had to leave mid show. That blew. Hope you feel better.

Then It was time to get to the car and do the long drive back to CT. We got home at 3:00 am I played the babysitter drover her down the hill. Went to sleep. Good friggin times.

JOHN STEWART RAPES JIM CRAMER AND CNBC

Why is it that only comedians take on the biggest fuck ups in this country? Steven Colbert pointed out to a country of sycophants that George W. Bush was a complete fucking idiot. Know nothing, head in the sand pundits immediately said that it wasn't funny and were asking, "who is Steven Colbert anyway?" But all the people who had been waiting for someone to unpants the incompetent fuck applauded and knew that it was a turning point. A very smart comedian spoke directly to the president and told him he was full of shit and a trainwreck. From that point on Bush was done. The video of Colbert's drubbing, slowly crept through the Internet into millions of houses and helped tear away at american's confidence in George Bush making him the lamest of lame duck presidents where he could do no more harm. It also started a slow drip of the media beginning to actually do their their jobs and question the competency of George Bush. Talking heads like Chris Matthews finally started to see that outside the beltway, people seriously hated the president.

Skip ahead 4 years and the country is being devastated by bankers, corporate CEO's and unapologetic derivitive traders. Did anyone really call any of these people out? No. CNBC rode and helped fan the biggest economic bullshit bubble and convinced millions that their money was safe and that institutions like Bear Sterns weren't built upon massive piles of dogshit. Last night John Stewart old Jim Cramer and his network CNBC that they are just as guilty for this mess as anyone and that they aren't just a TV show, they are a news organization that should have been exposing the dirty dealing and unsound economic philosophy but by going along with all the wall street shenanigans and by helping to inflate the bubble that they fucked with people's livelihoods, they fucked with people's retirement money they fucked with the whole stability of the country. For their own gains. It was pretty brutal but beautiful and hopefully it will be repeated until heads fucking roll and more people will be called on the carpet.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Jim Cramer Pt. 2

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN...POGUES TIME

Gonna have some fun tomorrow night in ol' NYC. Gonna drive down with the wife and sister and meet my friends and my cousin do some drinking and go to the Pogues show and then do some more drinking and...well, what the hell else do you need? Nothing will kick off the pre-Saint Patrick's day weekend better. I have to remember not to leave my camera in a cab or anywhere else like I did last year. I'm still very angry at myself for having done that. I had some great pictures and video on there and I threw it away like a fucking moron. Very stupid thing to do. This Pogues show has become a nice little ritual over the last 4 years. Kicks spring off in a good way. I gotta try not to sing along with the band. Every year I get all drunk and sing and scream along with the band and blow my voice out for a week. I can't do that this year because I have a gig on Sunday afternoon following the New Haven parade that should rock many balls.

SCHULTZ CITY: CHARLIE BROWN GOES GRAPHIC

That's some pretty funny shit. Just click the pics to see them bigger, there's only two there but it's a great idea. I love Charlie's crazy eyebrows and Sally's, whorebag silhouette is hot . I just can't believe they didn't do Lucy all dolled up like a trollop taking the football away when he's a bout to kick it and then Charlie finally going off in a rage and twisting her head off like a grape off a stem.
Damn Dames, think they'll make Charlie Brown look like a sap? Think again. Have a nice dirtnap Lucy. We coulda been something.


Charlie brown goes Frank Miller

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A HORNY PERV WHEN...

...You see a Rosetta Stone commercial and you instantly go online to see who the big tittied spokesmodel is. Every time I see a Rosetta Stone commercial I say, "Are they selling a program or are they trying to give me wood?" Duh Muthafucka, I guess the obvious answer is both. They're not dummies. But that kind of crap backfires on me. because then I say, "I'd like to learn to speak French but I'd much rather see this chick's giant tits and now they've cheated me and teased me like I'm a poor schmuck at a titty bar, I will never buy their shit product." Today however the commercial did motivate me to want to see more boobs so I looked and searched for the spokesmodel and found out that her name is Lesley Ann Machado. There was nothing good to be found though, I was hoping for some nudie shots. All I got was this crap.
Fucking gyp.

This is not my first search for hot commercial bitches, Oh no. A while back, the Mercury automobile spokeschick would get me all worked up so I looked for her and I found these. I was proud of all my hard work. Still no nudies. Oh Balls.