MY BAND KICKING IT OLD SCHOOL...IRISH REBEL STYLE

Sounds pretty good for a couple of hundred bucks. I got two more songs I'll add on a little later. I was up in Springfield yesterday to sit in and assist with the mixing. My assisting means I watched the guy work, drank beer and bullshat with the mando player. it is good to have a couple guys from the band there when they mix it. The guy wanted to do some special editing stuff but I called bullshit. We are who we are the track is what it is. Just make me sound good by whatever means possible. Sadly nothing could be done. I was expecting him to use the pitch shifter thing on my voice like T pain or Cher to keep me in tune but alas no robot voice. After countless more cowbell jokes and three beers the guy mixed the three songs in about 2 hours, gave us our CD's and we were done. This is what it is, a decent sounding demo to get us more gigs.

FIFTEEN MINUTES IS ALL I ASK, JUST FIFTEEN...OK THEN, TEN...FIVE?

MMM buxom ho-bag Diora Baird. She's splendidly Racktacular and put on earth to make both women and men feel inadequate. I know she'd probably drive me nuts with her probable stupidity but god almighty I'd put up with it long enough to finish. I hear Ricky Hatton is using her rack as speedbags for his upcoming fight. i think this dummy has been in a couple of movies or something but she should just do what God invented her for. Come to my house and clean it while I throw cold cuts on her naked body.

SPECTER DIDN'T HAVE GHOST A CHANCE WITH THE WINGNUTS SO HE FLIPS TO THE DEMS

A dying party loses another moderate. Specter droved me nuts during the Bush years because he always said the right thing and then voted lock step with the douche bags destroying the country. But him becoming a democrat isn't really that big a surprise, he had no where else to go once he voted for Obama's stimulus bill. The loons in his party were ready to kill him, the republican party in Pennsylvania has shrunken to a small core of hardcore clowns that were gonna bounce his ass so he figured he'd have a better chance with the 75% of Pennsylvania's not affiliated with the Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh crowd. He had to cut bait and join the team in power. The Dems might be jerky but they're not lunatics like the GOP has become.

BRITNEY'S STRING CHEESE INCIDENT

Britney Spears dancing around with her magical, pull toy, cork in the bottle, string hanging down. Yikes. has there ever been a major star with more public vagina incidents than this woman? That's one long tampoon string. That's pretty embarrassing but i guess it's worse when your showing the whole magilla. I was a party at the beach one time and there was a girl straddling a wall while wearing a bikini and the part covering her crotch kind of shifted to the side so that half off her junk was just hanging out in the breeze scraping against a cinderblock. I sat there thinking, "this chick has got to know she's got half a hoof hanging out." But she just sat there gabbing away while I gave her a Birdseye pelvic exam. I was tempted to bring her attention to her bi-sected clam but I was having a better time admiring what I could only imagine was the more photogenic half of her poon profile. I was also tempted to shake up a beer and open it hoping that some of the suds would land on her exposed loin giving her a little, shocking, piff chill, thus alerting her to her situation, but before too long I guess she finally felt all the grit and pebbles and shells and shit sandpapering her moosh and snapped that bikini back in place. sad. I think about that girl often probably because there wasn't a big long white string hanging out. That would have been gross. Half naked vagina's: good. Vagina's with strings hanging out: Bad

HOW IRONIC: WILL THE SWINE FLU EFFECT PORKFEST?

I've got the swine flu everyday. I am feverish about pig meat. Porkfest is a little more than a month away and this god damn Mexican swine flu epidemic is pissing me off. I don't want my party to suffer because of a worldwide plague. I don't want to have to re-brand my special day because its name connotes the horrific germ taking lives as we speak. Fucking disease. This better not effect the supply of fine pork products that I hope to be smoking grilling and devouring. On the up side, if we are all still alive when May 30th rolls around and there are people still willing to chow down to some swine, here's a nice little amuse bouche for everyone to savor. It's called the Ba-cone. It's bacon formed into a cone shape, stuffed with scrambled eggs, country gravy and topped with a biscuit. MMMMM disease-y.

RUN BACK TO MOMMA YA FUCKING SISSY

What happened to that we take care of ourselves and that big goverment is the cause of and not the solution to our problems ethos? What happened to shouts of Tyranny? I guess being a republican, tea bagging, secessionist, douchebag, like Texas Governor Rick Perry isn't as much fun when an epidemic strikes. The hypocrite scumbag with lot's O' possible swine flu victims just asked the C.D.C. to send 37,430 doses of Tamiflu. A party of morons. They deserve swine flu in their asses.

THE VILENA PHOTO: THE BEST THING TO COME FROM RUSSIA SINCE YAKOV SMIRNOFF

Da! Look at this comrade. This makes my cold, Vodka addled, ruskie heart go pitter pat. A new trend from the motherland is what, as they call in Russia, "A Vilena-style photo." Vilena was the first big assed Baltic ho to rear up and say cheese. The original Vilena posted a picture of herself with her enormous ass sky high, her belly way down and her eyes looking straight ahead on some Russian social networking site and now scads of wonderful Russian tramps are following suit and assuming the position. I love trampy, photographically inclined, women, they truly make the world go around...and keep it populated. Bless their slutty souls. I have to say, it's pretty much my favorite way to view women. Well technically, I'd be on the back end, but that's my favorite view. I'm not even kidding, big fan of the ass, love the ass.


I particularly like this photo below. The whole family can get involved, mom, son, grandma, grandpa, creepy uncle Chekhov, whoever's around. Just come on over to the dacha, hop on the bed, take off your pants, raise your ass high, grab your camera and say "stolichnaya!"

Wow,That's a pretty hot mom's ass. I'm gonna order me up one of those Russian ass chicks..sans smiling, cock blocking kid. Her parenting skills might be for shit but her soviet ass is boomin'. I'd put the hammer and cycle to that. That ass makes my little Rasputin glasnost. I'd like to pop in and say "pривет!" Now where's that fucking catalogue?

Now below is the original. The trend setter. She's Master of all things ass-ish and digital camera-y . She broke the mold with her colossal caboose, here she is in all her splendor, the Kremlin crack, The Romanov rump, the mound of Moscow, The St. petersburg pooper, the weapon of ass destruction, the one, the only...Vilena. man, she's got a massive ass. It's awesome.

http://englishrussia.com/?p=2449

SHEP SMITH: THE ONLY GUY ON FOX NEWS WORTH A SQUIRT OF PISS

Shepherd Smith is the only motherfucker on Fox's bullshit, right wing, Bush apologist, anti-American network with any integrity or sense of decency. He's the only guy who called Bullshit on those fucks when they slandered Obama and called him a terrorist, he openly mocked Glenn Beck's insanity and crying jags and when Bush watched as New Orleans drowned, he along with Geraldo Rivera were the only Fox correspondents who gave a shit. He lost his cool today and dropped the F-bomb while arguing with Fox's typical republican torture apologists. Watch it's cool.

A QUICK LITTLE STORY

i was at the gym about an hour ago and i was running and watching the Yankee game when a little pop fly went into shallow left field Jeter had a bead on it but Damon came in and called him off. Jeter gave way Damon stepped up and let the ball bounce off his glove and fall on the ground. I instinctively yelled "Fucking idiot!" When Damon dropped the ball. I had two high school or college aged girls I can't tell girls ages anymore, on the two treadmills to my left, but luckily there was no one else around. The two girls almost fell off their treadmills. I laughed and motioned to the TV and said, "I'm really sorry, he dropped a pop up. I'm sorry." The two chicks were very cool and laughed pretty hardily. I really gotta control my Yankee temper.

WORST LOGO EVER...OR MOST HONEST

Body of Christ...Amen. This was the logo the Catholic church came up with in 1973 for their Archdiocesan Youth Commission. First, who came up with it. Second, what correctional facility is he currently being housed in or does he just work for the Vatican?

TED'S WEAKNESSES

Yes, Ted has some weaknesses. I know it's hard to believe but there are some things on this earth that bring me down to realm of the little people and cause me to briefly let down my cone of invincibility. I may have the strength of ten men and a small child with asthma combined but like Mr. Spock, I have my human side and it sometimes gets in the way of my cold hard sheath of indifference. I damn these things that make me weak. I damn myself for loving them.


1) taco bell
You can keep your big macs and your whoppers, the only fast food for Ted is this crap. I could eat it and eat it and it and never get sick of it. I don't care if the taco's are made solely from minced cock roaches, I'm eating that shit and that's final.


2) Sleep



I love to stay up late but I really really love to sleep late. I fucking love falling asleep during the day, at night, in the morning, hell, anytime. I love that moment right before sleep when I'm groggy and talking shit aloud like a bipolar bum. I feel like I'm floating on a soft heroin pillow. It's awesome. I love giving my kid a nap and telling him stories, not because he falls asleep but because I do. I'll start telling him Hansel and Gretel and before too long I'm half asleep and my fairy tale is morphing into a trippy babbling exploration of my subconscious. I catch myself saying things like, "Then Gretel picked up the hitchhiker and lured him into a laundry basket of love with earmuffs and a rocket." It makes no sense and My kid is saying, "Daddy? What the heck are you talking about?" Then I say, "Shut up kid, Daddy's going down the rabbitt hole." And boom, I'm in outer space. It's great...for me. My kid is freaked out.

3) Women


Now don't get me wrong. I'm strong. I don't let no stinking broad bring me down or weaken me. I control them not the other way around. Girls are into games, I'm into mental destruction. Any goddamn manipulative game a chick can play I can it longer and better. As I always tell my wife, "I'll never let a 4 year old or a woman get the best of me." Never. That said, I am serioisly weakened by the ability of women to distract my laser like focus. I waste boatloads of time checking them out. Online, at home, on TV, in the store, on the street, anywhere a woman can be, if she's even slightly attractive, then I'm pretty much fixated. A nice rack on an unknown TV spokesmodel sends me scurrying to the google. I'm fucked up, I like chicks. It's weak, so very, very, weak.

4) My big muthafucking mouth
There's an old native American proverb that says, "The tongue my be light, but it is the very hardest thing to hold." I cannot for the life of me shut the fuck up. I piss off lot's of folks, most of the times on purpose and I'm glad because they are assholes but often times I just can't shut up because I can't stand awkward silences so I just fill the space with gab. That's when the trouble starts, because I don't want my space filling gab to be boring so I spice it up with a joke or an insult or politics or something inappropriate. It's a fucking disease. I can't stop pontificating and telling people how wrong they are and how right I am. It helps that most people are fucking stupid and are misinformed and wrong so at least I usually win and school the dumb goobers I mix it up with but if I had one thing about me to change it would be to have the ability to hold my tongue, to shut the mouth to not feel the need to tell people how fucking stupid they are. My arrogance and conceit could also be considered a weakness but it works for me. I like it.

REMEMBER: THIS ISN'T TORTURE: YOU JUST PANIC AND FEEL LIKE YOUR GONNA DIE AFTER 5 SECONDS

Just because the Khmer Rouge and the Viet Cong and the Nazi's and Soviets under Stalin did this, doesn't mean it's torture. Nothing is torture when we do it because we're good and we would never torture people, therefore this isn't torture. Watch the video it's actually kind of funny in an I'm glad that isn't me kind of way. Supposedly they did this to Khlalid Sheik Mohamed 183 times in one month after he had already given up all the information he had. Now many people would say, "Who cares if he get's tortured he planned 9/11 they should kill him." Maybe that's true, but how many people did they do this to that didn't do anything wrong? It's gonna be pretty funny when Dick Cheney blows his brains out the day before he's supposed to head to Leavenworth.

TED'S BAND RECORDS IN AN OLD CHURCH

Sunday morning the drummer and I drove up north to Springfield Massachusetts to a 200 year old Unitarian church that now houses a recording studio called Rotary records. We have to do a good demo in order to get the high paying gigs at Irish fests so we figured we'd bang some shit out and put it on disk.

When the drummer and I arrived the other four guys in the band who all live in that neck of the woods were already set up and ready to go. After a drum set up and a beer and sandwich run we were recording. The guy who built and runs the place is a super chilled out dude who definitely knew what he was doing. He wasted no time. I barely had time to drink a few loosen up brews before we started banging playing. My experiences from other recording sessions in the old days were just lots and lots of waiting and tweaking mics and crap. This guy was like, "Everything's tuned, let's go!"

We figured we'd get to record about three songs with the time we had allotted for the day and we were right. We tried to start off easy with a song we usually just zip through, called The Leaving of Liverpool but of course, being in a studio is different and everyone got somewhat tense and I wasn't digging the tempo so we took about four takes to get it good enough to keep.

Then we moved on to another sea shanty made famous by the Pogues, South Australia. We play it a bit faster than the Pogues and there is a big reel at the end which can screw people up a bit on the changes so there were a couple of fuck up's. We had to rip through about 3 versions of that before we liked what we heard. Then we played a good ol' rebel song called Roddy McCorley boom, one take. Speed was good, I sounded balls out awesome.

After the 3 basic tracks were laid down it was lunch time and main vocals. Usually you'd do a scratch vocal for the band to play along to while recording and then a real, super duper, extra, nice, perfect, vocal for the recording, but because I always bring my A game, I only had to do a few overdubs and punch in's on shit I didn't like.

Actually, when your working with my shit voice there's really no need to beleaguer the point and re-record it. I did re-sing the Leaving of Liverpool because my original version was before my voice got all gravely from singing and boozing and I wanted to sound more like a pirate. I was extra gravely that day. I snored the previous night in bed which kind of fucked my throat up a bit. So then the musicians did their solo's and mando and banjo overdubs. A few backing vocals, a couple of extra screams on South Australia and the guy said we were done. Six hours, three songs 350 bucks. Not too bad. I have to go back next Wednesday for him to mix it.

He left us with a rough mix that sounds pretty fucking good but he assured us it was horseshit compared to what the finished product will sound like. Now I feel like a little kid who's been told that he has a new toy but it won't be delivered for a week. When I get the final mix I'll post some shit.

I JUST PUKED INTO MY HANDS

This picture makes me so nauseous all my retching and dry heaves are giving me a wonderful ab workout. Holy shit this is fucked up. It looks like her head is taking a shit but it's just a horn. Just a brown, twisted, horn growing out of the middle of her fucking forehead. This crazy and clearly satanic woman lived with this big, piece of doodie growing out of her forehead for twenty years. Twenty years? I'd burn that mole she's got near her lip off my own face with a cigarette if I had one let alone live with a friggin' horn. As bad as the horn is, the vagina-like opening on her head makes me feel like someone's spraying liquid nitrogen up my ass. It is so heinous I'm gonna have nightmares about it till the day I die. Could you imagine the way people must have looked at her? Could you imagine her slowly moving in for a kiss with a giant curly shit horn coming at you? Me penis just shrank into my body cavity. I'd say I feel sorry for her but anyone dumb enough to not just take a hacksaw to that thing deserves to live like a goat faced freak. I hope she put that thing to good use while she had it. I bet she never lost her car keys and she always had an extra towel rack. She could hang her favorite coffee cup from it or a bunch of bananas so they ripen correctly or you could jut stand her in the corner and hang a nice planter off her face. Maybe it's not so bad having an enormous excremental corksrew growing out of your skull. Ullgupph, I just threw up in my mouth.

TEABAGGED

While idiots on the right like Texas Governor, Rick Perry were promoting seceding from the union at tea parties, people who aren't complete retards were making fun of the tea baggers, for using the term "tea bagging" which upset the tea bagging, nut swallowing, ball lickers. Bill O' Reilly did two segments the other night about how crass and disturbing and disrespectful it was to mock the right wing lunatics who are so stupid they didn't know they were promoting nut slurping. I watched some of the protests and let me tell ya, them people were confused. Is Obama a socialist? Is he a fascist? Is he a Communist? They don't know, reading the definitions of those words would be hard, and we all know, as dickhead sports reporter/conservative Bernard Goldberg said, "dictionaries have a left wing bias." All the teabaggers know is that they don't like that negro fella taxin' the wealthy folks, cause that is tyranny!
They also just found out that The government is spying on right wingers? How dare they! That's against the constitution! No shit dickhead's, but I didn't hear a single one of you complaining when Bush did it to muslims or lefties. See how you all feel about waterboarding when they come for Joe the Plumber.

I'd have a lot more respect for these tea baggers if they'd storm AIG headquarters and burn the fucker to the ground. But to these people it's never the corporations that are fucking things up or deserve their anger, it's the librul dems who are given their tax money away to niggers and wetbacks, because when you get down to brass tax, when you scratch a right winger, there's a KKK robe and hood underneath every single one of them. That's their movement.

Pundits keep asking why the republican party is out in the woods and in exile maybe it's beacuse this country is made up of a lot of different ethnic and social groups that might not want to belong to a party of angry, bitter, ignorant, paranoid, gun toting, racist, born again christian white folks. Who are the republican leaders? Big fat rich white guy Rush Limbaugh. Stupid, hillbilly, gun toting, white, born again, chick from alaska. A tax evading moronic plumber. A trifecta of dumb.

WEAR A CONDOM OR PRODUCE THE NEXT HITLER!

Awesome condom ad telling men to put on the jimmy hat or risk being responsible for the next holocaust. I always worried about such things, I'm so potent I double bag it. I'm so potent the octomom keeps calling me. I'm so potent, I'm not allowed to visit China. I'm so potent, rabbits name their kids after me. I'm so potent, I donate sperm in empty big gulp cups. I'm so potent, there's a shrine dedicated to me in Japan. I'm so potent, the government has built a special armageddon proof bomb shelter just for my balls. I'm so potent, Viagra is latin for Ted Velvet. Oh yeah.

I WANNA GO BOWLING

I want to roll and drink some beer and maybe get a big soft pretzel. Instead I'm going to see my kid play a bee in a school play. Fuck it. I'll just bring a pretzel.

HOW TO SPOT A MORON: LESSON #2

From the people who are too stupid to actually make a cup of tea or to know that tea bagging is a form of sex act involving balls in mouths, comes the next great movement of the republican party. Tomorrow is tax day so there will be plenty of chances to see a boatload of completely retarded people standing around talking about tea bags and pretending that they are smart enough to understand American history. Fox news, Glenn Beck and other conservative millionaires will hang around with a bunch of morons without a pot to piss in to fuel the fires of idiocy that rage within the conservative movement. The anti-intellectual bent of these dipshits is simply stunning. From cries of "We're mad as hell and not gonna take it anymore!" to "Where's Obama's birth certificate?" To burning books about evolution and vowing to keep their kids out of "librul" colleges (as if they could get in anyway) this brand of American will soon be blowing up a federal building near you. Maybe they'll take out another couple of day care's while their at it. Hopefully when they're mixing their fertilizer and chlorine they'll blow themselves and their children into a trillion dust particles so that their simple DNA will no longer tarnish the planet.

WHAT'S HAPPENING? TED GET'S ALL TWITTER-Y

The world is moving so fast, so many new innovations and technologies spilling out into the world creating a big, miasmal mess of sturm und drang. The newspaper has been replaced by the blog, the blog has been replaced by twitter, landlines replaced by cellphones, laptops over PC's blackberries and iphones over laptops, facebook has decimated myspace and I can't even keep up with all the happenings in the online pornography world anymore. So in the spirit of twitter, I will now tweet some shit like a techno geek twat.

Padme Lakshmi is Hindi for, attention starved whore

Navy seals rescued an american ship captain and killed 3 Somali pirates. Upon seeing the navy seals, the Pirates last words were reportedly, "rrrrrfuck."

Al Franken has finally, officially, won in Minnesota. Norm Coleman vows to fight on. Prince had no comment.

After 28 years of marriage to the actor and director, Mel Gibson's wife has filed for divorce, Gibson could not be reached for comment, he was busy filming a slow motion torture scene.


Bruce Springsteen is accused of being a homewrecker. Clarence Clemens is accused of playing a gay ass instrument


Obama finally got a dog for his kids. It's a Portuguese Water dog named Bo. Rush Limbaugh hopes it fails.

Obama to allow tourism to Cuba, Eliot Spitzer looking forward to choking Cuban hookers.

Phil Specter convicted of 2nd degree murder... and of having the face of a douche.


Mets lose home opener, Yankees get nuts kicked in. Ex-tiger Mark(the bird) Fidryich dies, No one cares about basketball or hockey.

BEST BIRTHDAY CARD EVER

OK, so technically its an Easter card but still it's pretty fucking awesome. Big thanks to My sister Ann for finding this little gem. I can't really argue with it. I have admitted my tendency towards asshole-osity, but hopefully, somewhere within my assholishness is an asshole that sometimes makes life a little more fun for people, even if I embarrass the shit out of them sometimes. Remember, I'm the one who has to live my life being thought of as a raging douche by many people, my friends and family just get asked why the fuck they hang out with me. That's not that bad a trade off. And there really is no good answer, I bring absolutely nothing to the table. Some people just like hanging out with assholes. Remember, I said I'm gonna turn over a new leaf. The new improved, non-asshole Ted. So thanks to everyone for putting up with me.

Ted Velvet
Current, but soon to be former asshole
XOX

TED'S OLD AS FUCK

Ahhh, another year in the life of a big mouthed ego maniac gone. For 42 years now I've been wasting space on planet earth and I hope to continue breathing up everyone's oxygen and drinking up all the water and so forth for many years to come. In my life, I've said lots and lots of inappropriate things, done many stupid things, angered and offended many, many people and just been an all around raging asshole. I just want you all to know that I'm not proud of my behavior at all. I hate me when I'm being me, but in my own defense I will say that I can't help it. It's an illness. I'm a sick,sick, man. I'm a massive tool, a dick.

But I want to get better. I really do. That's why this year is a little special, because my birthday falls on the most holy day of the year for Christians, Easter Sunday. That's why this year, with Jesus's Resurrection as my example, I'm going to turn over a new leaf and be a good person who only says and does nice things and no longer worships myself but puts my faith back in the lord. I will try to think before I speak, I will stop calling people names, like retard and asscockface and douchefuck and assfuckwhore. I will stop objectifying women. I will stop watching pornography and stop loving my wiener while I watch pornography. I will be a better husband and stop mackin' on hot mom's and other random girls. I will be a better dad and stop telling my children that I'm gonna pull their heads off and kick them down the street. I will stop feeling superior to the people I see at Wal-Mart and not judge them just because they have lezbo mullets or are hugely fat and ride motorized shopping carts. I will refrain from excessive drinking and I will work harder to tame my vile potty mouth. In other words, I will no longer be me. The old Ted will cease to exist. That Ted is now dead and gone the new Ted is here and is as nice as the crazy christian lady who works in the MacDonald's drive through near me. I hope you like the new me. I'm going to be honest, helpful, cheerful and wonderful to everyone. I'm sorry you've all had to put up with old Ted. He is a bad man and I never want to see him again. Praise Jesus, happy birthday to the new me.

REMIND ME NOT TO GO DRINKING WITH MY COUSIN ANYMORE

Ted's not a young man anymore. Can't drink for 8 hours straight without some adverse effects. Like falling asleep in bars and vomiting in people's bushes. Went into NYC yesterday afternoon for a nice, good Friday, celebration with my cousin Kyle or as he called it, "a play date". I got in around 3:00, met him at his office and we went out with his co-workers around 4:00 I have no fucking idea what time we got back to his apartment, all I know is he took my boots off for me.

I met some very nice people that he works with and then went on to offend and argue with a few of them. I got's problems keeping the ol' trap shut sometimes but when you bring up politics with me and you come off like a mix between an AIG CEO and David Duke, I'm gonna jump into douche mode and say some stuff. Aside from the polical thing, my cousin works with a very nice and cool bunch of people, it was lot's of fun chatting with them. I talked to one girl who told me her first makeout session was with a 25 year old Carnie when she was 14 years old. "He was hot, he had those mutton chop side burns. I love dirtbags." So I said, " wait right there, I'm going to the kitchen to put fry-o-lator grease in my hair." Oh, how she laughed.

I might have freaked out a few of the guys later on when they asked me if I wanted to do a shot and I said, "Yes, I want a big shot of semen." A group of five guys all sat there with their mouths open. So I said," What? Can't a straight guy drink a hot load of jizz out of a glass every now and then? What are you a bunch of pilgrims? Puritans? Jeez." Again, I do have some issues with keeping my mouth shut.

Later on that night we moved to another bar where I began chatting up a very, very, pretty young lady. She dug my shit from the word go. I was being very awesome, what with all my wit, charm, good looks and wonderful smell. We were having a good ol' time talking about Bands and baseball and her giant breasts when all the sudden the conversation turned to her ex husband and their breakup. I tried to steer the conversation back to fun things like me knocking her up but she persisted with the drama. I tried to listen, but being that I couldn't give a shit, I said, "excuse me for one minute." I turned away from her, walked over to a table, rolled my jacket into a ball, sat down, put my head on my improvised pillow and fell asleep. I woke up when she and my cousin called my name and she was squeezing and jiggling her massive rack, I gave them the finger and returned to slumberland.
I have to say, I still have a way with the ladies. Yes I do.

Anyway fun night in ol NYC. Thanks Kyle, you the man.

HOW TO SPOT A FUCKING MORON LESSON #1

Hmmm, how to spot a moron, let's see, I'll use this example: If you're at a zoo, and there's a person screaming because a Polar bear is eating them, that's your moron. This stupid bitch jumped over a fucking fence at the Berlin Zoo and plopped her dumb ass into the bear pond to be closer to the beautiful animal. She thought it was all fun and games frolicking in the water like a lite tuna snack until her dipshit smile turned into a moronic frown and then to a retarded scream as she began being mauled by the cute, massive bear. I don't know what happened next, hopefully the bear ate her and shat out her stupid skull thus keeping her from breeding. Look at that woman's face. Abject fear and panic, I bet every stupid moment of her sub mental life is zooming by, from the time she ate a candle in Kindergarten, to the time she fell in well to when she got caught in a drainpipe to when she decided to go swimming with fucking polar bears. Truly a moron if there ever was one.

update: Sadly the woman lived but had some wounds from giant bear bites. Here's some video of the moron. Watch and laugh as the numbskull tries to get out of the enclosure.

JUST AN OBSERVATION

Wal-Mart is filled with giant fat people that can't walk.

I had to return something to Wal-Mart yesterday and I had my son with me so I told him if he was good and behaved I would get him a little something. So he listened well and behaved himself so I bought him a $4.00 little lego motorcycle. I was feeling a little hungry and there is a SUBWAY inside the store so I figured I'd get a sandwich and build the little lego thing. Now I usually try to avoid Wal-mart like I avoid Jehovah's witnesses, so much so that the thing I was returning, was bought in October. I just didn't want to have to go back. Every time I'm at that store I just get depressed looking at all the skells. Yesterday was no different. As I sat there eating my sandwich a small parade of obese Shriner's zipped past me in their little fat people, mechanized go-cart shopping wagons. I've never seen so many people in one place so unable to hoist their massive frames that they had to resort to the little shopping motorcycles. And these people weren't old, they were anywhere from 35 to 45.

How fucking embarrassing that must be. Hmmm, I have to go shopping but I can't walk because I'll die from the exertion of lugging my 5 big mac a day ass around the store. Thank god I can zip to and fro in a little wagon with a little basket on the front.

One lady was plowing along with her two little kids following behind her like dogs chasing a bus. "Be a doll and hand momma that jumbo bag O' Funions!"

My other observation was that a lot of these large folks had big, bumpy, lumpy mole things on their faces. That's a good look, big, huge body stuffed into a little sit down motor cart,with pustules all over your face. My sandwich started to not look so good after a minute so I told my son, If I ever get so huge and out of shape that I have to use a car inside a store to get around, I give you permission to spackle my mouth shut, chain me to a pole and starve me until I can walk on my own.

THINGS I'D LIKE TO DO BEFORE I CROAK

I haven't watched the movie the Bucket List but it seems to be on HBO every day so I figured I'd put my list together before I take a dirt nap and visit the undiscovered country. My list wouldn't have dumb shit on it like jumping out of planes or bungee jumping or any kind of jumping period. I'm not gonna spend my last days falling out of the sky, fuck that. I would want to do great things of importance and meaning. Mostly I just want to get drunk a lot and travel but here's my list.

1) Climb to the top of the great pyramid of Giza, Khufu, or if your partial to Greek,Cheops. Have a little picnic, some food, some fruit, maybe some cold roast chicken, drink a bottle or two of wine, smoke some weed, catch some rays, listen to tunes and take a nap. wake up, look at the stars, go back to sleep.

2) Give a nice, devastating, bone crushing, overhand right to the faces of Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity

3) Get Yankee dugout tickets

4) Write my non-gay vampire novel, get it published, go on book tour, sell movie rights, make a trillion dollars, get stalked by goth whack jobs for the rest of my life. Get shot by pale kid in misfits T-shirt reading catcher in the rye.

5) Have my wiener worked orally by three girls at once. I just have a feeling it would really, really, really, feel good. I'd pay for it if I have to but I think I'd really enjoy it more if it was free.

6) Tour with my band and do lot's O' singing and boozin' just once, for a few months. I think it would be a blast.

7) Do archaeological dig and discover something new and cool, preferably in Turkey at Troy.

8) Bang Scarlett Johannsen, just once, but that would be enough for her to go all Lindsey Lohan and go ape shit and threaten to kill herself if I don't re-bang her. That would be fun and to be perfectly honest, a nice, little, boost to the old ego.

9) Go to the Galway races

10) See the Palio in Siena

11) Walk on the moon

12) Have a party dedicated to eating Pork and drinking where all my friends and family come and my band plays and we have late night meats

13) get some fucking sleep for a month solid. Somewhere beautiful like Fiji, with a nice sea breeze blowing through the open window where the only sounds are the ocean rolling in and the feint clinking of wind chimes. Fuck it, I'm going now. Max out my credit cards, later.

HONEST SMUT MERCHANTS

At least there's only 3 ugly ones. You never want to get a lap dance from an ugly stripper, you can't really enjoy it because the whole time you feel like they should be the one's sticking a twenty in your underpants for the privilege of grinding on your wang. I remember back in the day when I used to frequent such establishments there was always the older stripper with the f'd up c-section scar and stretch marks and saggy ass and tits and bad tattoos that would be really aggressive in their solicitations. They'd make you fell bad and brow beat you into allowing them to give you a lapdance but then they'd do a shit job and you'd get all mad after seeing he writhe on you like a geriatric in diebetic shock. I haven't been to one of those joints in almost three years but when I do go I head striaght for the ukrainians, czech's, Hungarians and ex-soviet's. they have bad teeth bit are usually smoking hot and when they're not doing the hulu chair routine on your crotch, they're solving math problems like good will hunting. All the eastern european ladies have advanced degrees from Smolensk polytechnical institute but are working the pole till they get themselves settled in the land of of the free and the home of the g-string. I love smart whores

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE...

Friend bites man's penis off

As my dad always used to say, "Never borrow a Polish guys trailer." Worst possible story ever if you're a man and still pretty fucked up if you're a woman. I will seriously think twice before I tell my asshole neighbor, Vaclev Frykowski, to go eat a bag of dicks. I think the moral of this story is don't borrow shit from Pollacks and don't make them mad. A few years a go there was a story about two Polish drunks who decided while inebriated to have a who, could top who in physical pain, competition. One drunk pounded nails into his head while the other ate glass, the competition finally ended when one man dared the other man to saw off his own head...and he did. You win!

A man was rushed to hospital after telling doctors how his best friend bit his penis off in a row - and swallowed it.

Horrified Marian Milczarek, 53, from Lesna in south west Poland, was attacked following a row with his friend - apparently over borrowing a trailer.

'He began hitting me with a chain and then pulled down my trousers and started biting. It was agony,' he said.

Police and medics could find no trace of Marian's missing genitalia, and believe his attacker Wojciech Sowinski - now facing 10 years in jail - may have eaten it.

'If we'd had the other bit of his penis we could have sewn it back on,' said Dr Adam Domanasiewicz from the hospital in nearby Trzebnica, where Marian is recovering.

REAL OLD PEOPLE: REAL CONVERSATION

I was at the store this morning and was walking past an old lady talking to an old man when I overheard this bit of information.

Old lady: I just put my phone on vibrate. That way it doesn't ring, it vibrates.
Old man: Vibrate, huh?
Old lady: Yeah, you just put your phone on vibrate. This way, it doesn't ring, it vibrates.
Old man: Vibrate, huh?

Hope I croak before I have conversations like that.

Actually I do have conversations like that but only when I'm being dick...which is most of the times so actually, that's how I speak to people.

Mrs. Velvet: We ran out of milk
Me: Milk huh.

Then I usually say something extra dickish like: Sounds like you've got a problem there. Keys are in the bowl.

I can't really blame old people for being freaked out by things like cell phones and computers and self service gas pumps and self check out lines. Their whole lives they've had everything handed to them. lazy old bastards, think about it. Go to the gas station in the old days and man ran out and pumped your gas. Washed your windows and checked your oil.
Wanted to make a phone call? You picked up the receiver, jiggled the hanger upper thing and told Gladys, "gimme klondike 539. boom, your connected. You didn't bag your groceries, you didn't do shit but stand on bread lines and get free shit. Men didn't even have to talk to their own fucking kids or change diapers or perform salacious sex acts upon their women, nothing. Greatest generation my ass. Lazy good for nothing idiots. Vibrate, huh?

P.S. (I know I've used the lady in the ditch picture before but it's too fucking good not to use)

IT'S OPENING DAY! YANKEE BASEBALL BEGINS AGAIN

My beloved Yankees begin today. The Yankees will win it all this year. Write tht shit down But that's not enough. I won't be happy unless copious amounts of tragedies fall upon the Red Sox players. I'm praying for broken legs and arms, ruined elbows, blown out knees and hopefully, a drug overdose death for Jonathan Papplebon. More than this, I truly am hoping that a new era of awful, suicidal, ass raping pain rains down in torrents on the backward capped skulls of their shit eating, asshole, child molesting, bunghole tonging, pig fucking, fans. My God fuck you all.

GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD ABOUT STERILITY

What do mean anal sex doesn't make babies?

I can just imagine the conversation these neighbors must have been having.

"Dude I'm trying to knock up your beauty queen wife really I am. Gimme a few more months and instead of the usual three times, let's try it four times a week. And tell her to pay more attention to my balls, a good tea bagging makes them extra fertile...and more dirty talk, that gets my little guys swimming faster. Alright, thanks buddy, I'll be over in an hour to fuck your wife's head off. Make sure she takes a shower. "

TED GOES TO A FILM FESTIVAL

My sister gave me a call the other day and asked if I might be interested in going with her to a film festival being held in Providence Rhode Island. She was judging some of the films and thought because of my expertise in dreck and general enjoyment in watching both good and shit films that I just might be interested. I said OK, it sounded like it might be fun and away we went. I got to see some good documentaries, a couple of good shorts, some absolute shit shorts and a really interesting feature film that was filmed in my my town by a guy who my sister had previously acted for in a short film. The first thing I saw was a documentary called Courthouse Girls was about these old ladies from Farmland Indiana that stripped down and did a semi-nude calender to raise money and awareness to stop the destruction of their town's old courthouse. It was pretty funny and semi- well made plus I got to meet the old broads afterwards and they signed their calendar for me. I spoke to them and chatted and even though they had posed nude, I got absolutely no wood.
After the documentary and the meet and greet and questions it was time for short films. Holy shit...shit. There was one funny short film, kind of like a cop show with priests who try to prove or debunk miracles before the Vatican makes someone a saint. There were martial arts and some funny lines. As in,
good Cop Priest speaking to corrupt bad bishop before they start whoopin each other.
Good priest: "don't worry I gave up kicking ass for lent"
bad bishop: "It's not lent"
Good priest: "I Know"

The other shorts were serious crap. I sat next to the director of one film that was mildly amusing and made me laugh aloud a couple of times but in general it wasn't that good. I gave the guy a handshake and said "ummm yeah, ahhh...good job buddy." And then ran the fuck out of there. After watching an hour of shit short film I seriously needed to get my drink on.

So my sister and I had some lunch I drank a couple of beers and then were off to the main event. there was a short film called the Curse of Micah Rood, starring none other than Horshack from Welcome back Kotter. It was a Connecticut folklore horror film that was well told and filmed nicely and very well made.

After that film came the feature, a ghost story called, The Other Side of the Tracks, The writer and director lives in my town so it was interesting to see all the local places he chose for the film. They used an old, shitty, farmhouse near my House that is just perfect for a ghost story, a pizza place I go to and the main bar I hang out in. It was shot beautifully, had a very good plot, The actors in it are all fairly well known so there wasn't any fresh out of college, shitty independent film acting. One chick is from the show Lost and the main guy is on CSI. The girls in it are all sexy, two of who make out in a pool in one scene. The film also has a good ending that I didn't really see coming and it makes you think about what you saw and go back through the film and pick stuff out that makes sense only after you know the ending. The pacing of the film is slow, very slow, so I could see how some people might be turned off by it and I personally would cut a few minutes to move it along faster and diminish some of the melancholia of the main character but the slow pace also gives the film a sense of stagnation and unease that makes sense when you see the end. The director said he knows it's slow but that he likes slow moving films and that he did it for a reason and it works, so basically fuck you if you don't like it. It's a really impressive movie for a first time director with a low budget and a local production. I had fun, it was a good day, the Shit, short films wasted my god damn drinking time but it was still a good day.

TED'S BIGGEST HITS

What brings folks from around the world to The Velvet Factor? Two things, boredom and perversion. The boredom part is just my friends and family at work with nothing to do so they visit me and the perversion comes from everywhere else. The sad part is that most of the traffic I get comes from people searching for something dirty in earnest and find crap that I only wrote as a joke. Some just want the picture that I used for my post but there is a large portion of people out there who are just flat out disgusting degenerates. I once posted a picture of my friend Anne's pedicured foot in sandals from a 4th of July party, My header was, "What a Foot, What a party" I got hundreds upon hundreds of hits from people using the search words, "Foot Party" holy fucking perrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrvs. Here's the top 5 on Ted's hit parade.

#5) I'M HERE TO CUM IN YOUR EAR PUSSY
I wrote this post about the movie tenacious D and the pick of destiny. Most of the people who come across this (no pun intended) use this block of search words
Ear cum
cum in my ear
I have cum in my ear
I want to cum in her ear
I am cumming in my own ear
Needless to say, If you're looking up your desire to ejaculate in someone's ear, you're way fucked up.

#4) I SAW A TON OF DYKES TODAY...LITERALLY A TON OF DYKES
This was written about a shopping experience I had where I was surrounded by the big, burley, mulleted, ladies bedecked in green bay packers Football and flannel, wood chopping jackets. The search words that bring folks to this post are usually.
Tons of Dykes
Dykes of today
literal dykes
Dykes by the ton
I'd love a ton of Dykes
Nothing too crazy. On the scale of strange things to search for that's only about a 1 out of 10

#3)WHAT'S A CLEVELAND STEAMER? YOUR KIDS WANT TO KNOW
This is just a fake infomercial about sex education for kids. But apparently there are a boatload of people who really want to know what a Cleavland steamer is. Hint, it's got to do with poo.


#2) YOU KNOW YOU'RE A HORNY PERV WHEN...
This is a little ironic because I wrote this about my own pervosity searching for the Rosetta stone spokes model with a giant tits and found I'm not alone in the world. Just like Sting in message in a Bottle. There are a lot of filthy minded folks casting their dirty hopes into the surf in search of a big tittied info model. The search words that led these pervs to me were probably the same I used.
Big tits Rosetta stone
Rosetta stone tits chick
language chick tits
giant stone tits
I'm not alone, but I'm with them. That's pretty fucking sad.

#1) HAIRY TWATTER AND THE UNKEMPT WITCHES POON
There are a lot, and I mean a lot of people out there into hairy ladies. They search for hairy, hairy, girls and land on my stupid post about the chick from the Harry Potter movies flashing a little bit O pantie stuff. I posted it about a year ago and probably have about 2000 hits on that alone. At least the post has a pretty good picture as far as pervy filth goes. Search words:
hairy Twat
Pervs can be pretty concise when they're on a mission. Dirty fucks.

STUPID ASSHOLE DROPS ENGAGEMENT RING OFF BROOKLYN BRIDGE, GETS IT BACK, NOW HE CAN GET BITCHED AT TILL THE DAY HE FUCKING DIES

Some guinea asshole went to propose to his guinea chick on the Brooklyn bridge with his whole family watching and video taping and the stupid motherfucker dropped the ring down onto the highway below. Luckily he was able to climb down and find it intact before it got shot off in the east river. My only problem with this story is why would you have your family there? These Italian guys are little mommas boys. They want mommy to everything. Be a man, propose to her with no one around, besides the girl of course, do it alone. You're born alone, you die alone you decide to ruin your life alone. Momma can't help you once you say "I do", your life is pretty much fucked. Unless of course you love feeling like you're in a fucking gulag.


Just kidding,Love you honey:)

p.s. I went to high school with that reporter.

WHAT SCARLETT JOHANSSON AND TED'S FIRST DATE WOULD LOOK LIKE

SQUEEZ BACON: DISGUSTING? YOU BET , BUYING SOME? YOU KNOW IT

I just thought this was an April fools joke and maybe it is, but here it is on the think geek website available for 7.99 a bottle. Fucking squeezable bacon. Can modern life get any more wonderful and yet vomit inducing at the same time? Some Swedish genius figured out how to whip up a pound of bacon and bottle it without preservatives or any other crap. Inside that bottle lies 64 slices of U.S. bred swine bacon pureed into a disgusting bacon-ish paste. No fillers, no nothing, just bacon in an easily squeezable form. I'm gonna brush my teeth and gel up my hair with that shit.

DANCING WITH THE AROUSED

In this guys defense, if I had to wear those little shorts and rub against a 17 year old gymnast even one with the body of a fire hydrant, I'd be sporting some wood myself. Hell, she'd be leaving the place with a new appreciation of the pommel horse, or should I call it, the pummel horse. Oh, snap!