YOU MESS WITH THE BULL, YOU GET THE HORNS BITCH

A Spanish Matador got fuuuuuucked up by this bull. He got gored in his stomach and had a 25 centimeter hole. The thing shook this guy around like a baby rag doll and deposited his weak ass in the dirt. I'd fuck you up to if you were sticking skewers into me. You want to make a living torturing something in front of a crowd, expect payback every now and then. The matador is in serious condition and probably vowing to not fuck with bulls anymore if he lives. I'm sure the bull got his in the end but he probably died a little happier knowing he took one of us with him. Still, I bet that bull tasted good. watch the video, it's awesomely nasty.

Israel Lancho Spanish Bullfighter Mauled from Ryan North on Vimeo.

BLOG AVOIDANCE SYNDROME: PORKFEST ON MY MIND

I've been avoiding my blogging duties lately. There's not much going on that I feel like writing about and I've got too much stuff to do this week what with Porkfest IV :Intravenous De Swino this Saturday. It should be a good day, Hope, Hope. I will try not to get as fucked up as I did last year where I was pretty much shot by 8:00 and passed out on my beeping computer keyboard at 2:30. That's where I remained for the night snoring with my face in the keys. I was going to rent one of those inflatable jumpy gym things but I really couldn't get passed the 250.00 for a few hours price. Too wasteful. I never had one of things when I was a kid and I had a great time at parties. My kids will live. I was also contemplating buying a bacon tuxedo but again, a hundred bucks that could better be spent on beer and food. I'm trying not to go broke throwing a stupid party. I don't mean stupid in the pejorative sense, I just mean in the big picture, wife and two children and a mortgage and a vacation coming up sense.

When not dreaming of porkfest I did spend a few moments asleep upright in my living room chair all night having a dirty, filthy dream about Katie Perry. She had an awesome rack and in my dream she was quite soft, smelled good and was very bendy. But like all of my good dreams just when It was getting to the point of me having the most fun, in walks the dream wife, by dream wife, I mean my wife in my dream, Telling me to stop boning Katie Perry and don't I dare give the dream a happy ending. Katie was cool though she said I should call her then turned into a lamp or a cat or something. Curses! Foiled again!!

...UNLESS YOU'RE STUCK DRIVING BEHIND ONE

A) This is fucking hysterical
B) That Asian lady is crazy, smoking hot. Any guy that would mock her heritage and appearance is a retarded gay.
C) Where the fuck do these idiots work?
D) is that racist Peter Brady or Seth MacFarlane?
E) Is it still racist if you do it behind their backs while they eat their Asian food with chopsticks?
F) That guy is impressing the shit out of the blond. He's not a racist, he just wants to get laid.
G) This thing is so funny it's almost racist having it hanging in a workplace. If I was Asian and worked in a place where they hung this, I'd sue. It makes me want to make the slanty eye face behind Asians while they eat.

SHE BLEW IT...SPUNKY PORNSTAR FAILS AT ALL TIME BLOW JOB RECORD: SENT TO HOSPITAL WITH BROKEN UVULA

Somewhere during her magical quest to break the world record of sucking off 200 men, British pornstar Cora choked. After taking care of only 75 guys, she had difficulties breathing and was rushed to the hospital. The doctor who examined her and asked the two guys who accompanied her to take their dicks out of her mouth which seemed to do the trick. Her breathing returned to normal and she was given a clean bill of health. Don't worry fellow porn fans, she's got a fire in her belly and a a gallon of semen. She'll soon be back on her knees, you know what they say, You can't keep a good fellatrix down.

A RANDOM BIT OF WONDEFULNESS

The other day my kid said, "I'm being very good right daddy?

So I said, "yeah, just like a little Jesus Christ."

"Or Barack Obama." he replied.

IT'S THE WEEKEND AND I'VE GOT FUCK ALL TO DO

This weekend is gonna blow for ol' Teddy, I've got nothing at all planned. Nothing at all to do but yard and house work. Nothing to do but prepare for the Holiday that has nothing to do with our brave troops. My holiday, the best holiday, comes next week. That holiday is Porkfest, the day Jesus came down from heaven, invented the pig, ate ribs and drank beer all day and then passed out in a manger...and it was good. This weekend also marks the 21st anniversary of my meeting the wife. I've told this story a dozen times but it's so romantic I have to tell it again. My sisters and I threw a memorial day weekend party, she showed up with a friend of my sister, She was digging me form the get go cause I'm too awesome for words and I said, "Wow, I wanna make sweet vicious love to her." I didn't, not that night anyway, she came back a couple of days later, we went out and she never left. End of story. Fucking hardcore romance.

On a more serious note. I do hope our troops get to come home from those shitholes they're in some day soon. Kill all the bad guys, build some schools, dig a well, get the fuck out.

I DO ENJOY A GOOD CROTCH SHOT..BUT I PREFER MORE CROTCH IN THE SHOT

This is hot Israeli supermodel Bar Rafaeli doing a half assed job of being crotch-tastic. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, don't try to do porn-type shots unless you're actually going to do porn-type shots. This is about as titillating as watching Ellen DeGeneres dance in her man pants. All she had to do was hike the shorts up a tad, expose half the clam and then we've got something. What's the big deal? She's half way there, we all know what the picture is trying to sell, she's got her piff on parade but only marginally Put a firecracker in that honey pot and let's see some fireworks. She's one hell of a good looking woman but I have to be honest, her Israeli nationality throws me off. Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti Semitic, I love the jews, they're the funniest people and the best comedians in the world, but they're the worst to dine with. I can only imagine going out to dinner with her as she complained about the service and wanted to split entrees and complained that I tipped too much and whined about the air conditioning and asked for special orders, like, "I'll have the chicken carbonara but put the sauce on the side and no peas and no bacon and make the pasta angel hair and no radish or iceberg lettuce in my salad. " She's hot but I'm sure she's a ball busting, pain in the ass bitch like Susie Essman on Curb your enthusiasm. She should just show her vagina, not talk...and stop asking me out to dinner.

JESSE THE BODY SCHOOLS A STUPID CUNT ON THE VIEW

MY FUCKING ASS

A couple of weeks ago I yanked the fucked out of my right ass muscle and that bitch is still bothering me. The fucker won't heal, it can't get any rest because unbeknownst to me at the time of the injury, you need your ass to walk and since I'm not about to start riding one of those beeping, fat people, Wal-Mart carts around, I'm fucked. I'm walking around like an 80 year old man limping all over the place. Bitching and moaning every time I have to move about my god damn ass. When I have to stand on my right leg to put my pants on my ass hurts. I'm avoiding putting pants on. Ohh, the ass pain of pants putting on. I shall hide all my pants. I go up stairs, it hurts, I go down stairs, it hurts. I walk, it hurts I run, it hurts, wait, I actually can't run cause it hurts, I stand up, I sit down, it hurts. I can't get no ass relief. All in all, my ass really fucking hurts. I'm actually thinking of visiting one of those bullshit fake doctors, what do you call them? a chiropractor? Even sounds fake. In my own own laziness i haven't been doing too much to heal it so I'm gonna start using some Ben gay and a heating pad. I'm gonna heat this ass up till it glows red like one of those baboons and maybe it'll put my ass cheek back in check so I can stop limping around like I've got a prosthesis. Then I can finally put some pantsback on.

AWESOME PICTURE

Zachary Boyd is caught in his "I love New York" underwear while fighting in Afghanistan


Great photo from that Liberal rag the New York times. This soldier was taking a nap when the Taliban attacked his base in Afghanistan so he just threw on his helmet and body armor and ran out to kill ragheads in his I love NY pink boxers. He's also has on a T shirt from an ice cream shop wear he's from in Fort Worth Tx and his flip flops . Let's hope someone with such awesome fashion sense makes it back in one piece and with all his mental facilities.

MY DUMB KIDS RUIN EVERYTHING

My kids are destructive little bastards. I got my wife a cute, little, pink, blackberry curve for Mother's Day and yesterday after having it only 2 days one of my dopey kids put a big, deep, scratch in the display window. I told her to keep the thing away from them but I knew I should have bought her some of those screen protectors. My kids are fucking disaster areas, I should have bought her two plastic cups attached with string instead .

MY NEW THING AND A BEER

That's my new Philips DCM230 ipod player and charger, CD, radio, memory stick player. It's pretty good. It's great that it has all the features in one thing. I use it mostly for my ipod but it's great to have the option to play a disk or listen to the radio or you can just load up a memory stick with mp3's and pop it in the USB port and listen. I didn't spend a fortune on it, I got it for around 80 bucks from radio shack, it was their last one and I bought the floor model so I got 20% off with my awesome negotiating skills. The sound is generally good and it can crank loudly but it's a little bass heavy and you can only change the settings from style of music from rock to jazz to classical to pop but can't individually lower the treble or the bass which sucks. Still, the thing has everything you could pretty much need in one unit and it's got a cool, sleek, metallic design. It also comes with a very good remote that you can scroll through your ipod with from up to 15 feet away. That's handy. I had the very excellent sounding altec lansing tube ipod player but it ended up getting all fucked up. It was a pity to throw it away because it sounded excellent but the ipod dock was always very flimsy and once that went, thanks to my kids fucking with it, the whole thing wasn't worth shit. Next to the picture of the player is a very excellent leffe beer that my sister bought me in a Leffe glass that my brother bought. Leffe beer in a Leffe glass, a new ipod player, sometimes life is ok.

I SIMPLY HAVE TO SHOW JESSICA BIEL DANCING TOPLESS...I HAVE TO... IT'S IN MY CONTRACT

I'm always interested when actresses take roles as strippers. Actresses must think there's something going on behind the sad and tired sexuality that a stripper exudes. Anyone who has actually hung out with, or had a conversation with a stripper knows that there's not too much going on with most of them. They don't have hearts made of gold, they have snappers filled with cash. Strippers are generally hot, dumb, chicks, that like to hang out with dirtbags and enjoy drinking, doing drugs and being half naked,hanging from poles and rubbing balls through pants. They like grinding dicks for 20 dollars for a 3 minute lap dance. Do the math, 20 bucks for three minutes, on a good night a hot stripper can bang out 15 lap dances in an hour 20 x 15 = 300 bucks an hour. Not bad. Where else is a sexually promiscuous drug addict gonna make that kind of cash without having to blow people...oh wait, lot's of them do that too. Anyway, Jessica Biel's friggin hot but she joins an ever growing list of stupid actresses who for some dumb reason took their clothes off to make a lame stripper movie. Demi Moore, Lindsey lohan anyone? I saw some thing on access hollywood about all the high tech stripper classes Jessica took for the role. Ridiculous, as if real strippers take classes, they get on stage,shake their shit, strip and dry hump cocks. That's their job description. No diploma necessary. In Jessica's case, all her hard stripper PhD work went all for naught, this particular piece of crap flick went straight to video. Thank you Jessica for being as dumb as a stripper and for showing off the rack.

Jessica Biel Pole Dance in Powder Blue
by donaldwhitman

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY BITCHES

To all the gals who were once fun and I probably would have wanted to bang before they ruined themselves with mommy haircuts and loose vaginas. Happy Mother's day.

JERKOFF INFAMY... CAR MASTURBATOR CAUGHT WHACKING THROUGH SUNROOF

This is fucking brutal and funny. This guy is gonna be FAMOUS. Jeez, as horny as I am even I don't beat off in my fucking car. Isn't that what prostitutes are supposed to do? Beat your meat for you in your car? That's pretty c-razzay. At least he had the sense to beat off into his jacket. Which brings to mind the Blink-182 album, Take off your pants and jacket. Anyway this guy is gonna have lot' s of explaining to do when this video goes super viral and everyone recognizes his car.


EMBED-I Won A Math Debate - Watch more free videos

I AM NOT INSPIRED

I have no desire to write about anything but I did see some ridiculous thing about right wing jerkoffs giving Obama shit for putting mustard on his cheeseburger instead of ketchup. You know you're a gang of complete douchebags when this is the issue you choose to attack with. He's an elitist! He likes grey poupon!!! Anyone who thinks mustard is elitist seriously needs to be fucking killed. Chop their stupid heads off, rape their decapitated head, mail it to their mother's house, knock on their mother's door, slap her in the face for not having an abortion and having a dumb shit of a kid, then take the head back, go bowling with it, use it as a urinal and then toss it in the trash where it belonged in the first place. Here in Ct. pretty much every burger you get has mustard on it. What a bag of fucking clowns.

What else is new? Nothing.
I haven't been flashed or hit or hit on or yelled at or insulted anyone or anything fun. I haven't been good and drunk since last Saturday. My drummer told me I have anger issues I said, "duh." My cousin just gave birth to a mammoth kid, 9.8 lbs and I'm getting all geared up for PORKFEST may 30th only 22 days for me to get my shit together. Other than that all is well. Except for the ass muscle I pulled mowing my lawn. After all the rain we had my lawn looked like the the Serengeti plain, it was two feet tall and I was seriously spooked walking through it. I kept expecting a black mamba strike or lion to attack. I wore a pith helmet and brought my great white hunter gun just in case. All I saw was the fucking groundhog who refuses to die. I will kill that fucker yet.

IF MISS CALIFORNIA IS SO INTO THE BIBLE, MAYBE SHE SHOULD BE STONED

Now of course I knew there would be nudie shots of holier than though, miss California, Carrie Prejean showing up sooner or later. I told my wife last week, she's too hot, too stupid and too interested in fame to not have shown off her shit to someone with a camera. She's a bathing suit model with breast implants and a barely functioning brain, of course she's stupid enough to claim moral superiority while knowing that there is someone out there who has shots of her acting trampy. I'm also sure there are probably shots of her on spring break or somewhere else doing slutty shit. She's young and hot, that's what young, hot chicks do, they get drunk and naked. No big deal. I'm all for that, I'm a big fan of hot, semi-nude, blonde, bikini models, I'm not a big fan of hypocrisy. Can't wait for the more revelaing shots to come out. Again, let this be a lesson to other paragons of virtue like Ted Haggard and Jimmy Swaggart and Miss California. Mind your fucking business and keep your stupid mouths shut.

TED'S BAND PLAYS A WEDDING

So I'm officially a wedding singer now. Saturday was derby day and the acoustic guitar/ mandolin players wedding. Unlike my crappy friends family, his new bride actually likes our band and thought it would be fun if after the derby race was finished, we played a 40 minute set or so. Now having me as a singer at a wedding is really not a good idea. My penchant for verbal diarrhea and total lack of restraint and tact makes for some interesting in between song banter. the guys in the band who play the acoustic instruments are constantly tuning up between songs which gives me plenty of time to talk. Anyone who knows me knows this is probably not the greatest thing all the time. During our 40 minute set, I hit on the guitar players new bride, told the crowd I have an open marriage, talked about puking from drinking too much 2 weeks ago, denigrated Presbyterians, talked about going on a cocaine binge and murdering someone and spoke in an Australian accent and recited half of the movie the road warrior. Now most of the crowd laughed and enjoyed my idiocy so it's not like I went too over the top but I thought I might have put my foot in it when I brought up my disdain for Massachusetts. The wedding took place up in Massachusetts which allowed me, after a few beers to fill the guest in on how much I hate the state. At first i thought they turned on me but being that the groom is originally from Cleveland and the bride is from westport Connecticut, most of the guests were Connecticut yankee fans and therefore enjoyed my anti-Massachusetts drunken rant. I did have one womanat the end tell me I was her exact type. I said, "You're into retarded, fat, drunks?" Anyway, had many many beers, I sang very well and had an awesome time. All the Westport preppies dug us. So it was a good day.

SAVE THE CAMEL TOE!

Meet Cuchini, the camel toe eraser. It's a bathing suit pad to flatten out a lady's vagina so the labia majora and mons pubis and mons vernus and vula and ipso facto inflagrante dilecto don't burst through the bikini fabric. I, for one, find this to be a disturbing device. I like seeing ladies private parts and the only chance I get is when they're sporting some serious toe. Save the toe! Ban this cruel and unusual vaj device so I can furtively stare at women's crotches and dream of coitus. Coitus?

NOW MATTER HOW HOT, I STILL PRETTY MUCH HATE CHRISTIANS

So this half naked piece of ass whore is Ms. California, Carrie Prejean, and the 1st runner up in the Ms. America
pageant. She made a little bit of news when it appeared that she didn't win the all important crown of Ms. America because she answered a question on gay marriage in a manner not to the liking of the Judges, particularly, Perez Hilton who asked her to offer her opinion on gay marriage. Well ask a fucking dunce a question and you'll usually get a fucking retarded response. She didn't fail. Breaking the two types of marriage down to the core essentials of gay marriage and as she put it, "opposite marriage." this moron then went on to say, that she was against it because "that's how she was raised." As if that's a valid way of looking at things. It's like saying, "I was raised to hate blacks and jews and gypsies, therefore I still hate them because that's my upbringing. Now I don;t care that she's not in favor of gay marriage, it's a free country, you can think what you want and assholes like Perez Hilton have to expect when you ask a question like that that you might not like the answer you get. My problem with this phoney cunt is the supposed moral bullshit reasons for her anti gay marriage stance. She's a christian and she's learned that homosexuality is bad. Because you're not born that way, it's a choice.

She's a sexy bitch trapsing around half naked who had the california pageant people buy her a fake set of tits so she can shake her shit in front of America, but gay people can't get married. I know a lot of people aren't exactly gung ho about gay marriage. They might not like it but they're also not going to go on the road and try to deny other people their rights. Not this piece of crap. This silicone whore and paragon of viture has a new job.

"she'll be working with the National Organization for Marriage to "protect traditional marriages."

The 21-year-old says that marriage is "something that is very dear to my heart" and she's in Washington to help save it.

She says many people have thanked her for standing up for traditional marriage."

I have an idea for her, why doesn't she mind her own fucking business, come to my house so i can stick my toilet bowl brush in her dopey mouth while I ravage her from behind. If gay people want to be as unhappy as married straight people, I say, misery loves company, have at it.