GONE FISHIN'

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. ~Steven Wright

Hell, if I'd jumped on all the dames I'm supposed to have jumped on, I'd have not time to go fishing. ~Clark Gable

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening, when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town. ~ Jack Handy

When I go fishing, my thoughts turn toward the sea, how awesome and how vast, and how cold it's going be when I wade in to take a piss. ~ Ted Velvet

See ya'll in a week or so. XOX

POPPA'S GOTTA BRAND NEW GLASS

Every now and then when you're out shopping you see something that you just have to have, it completes you and without it your life just won't feel whole, this glass does that for me. I had just come off the unbridled high of finding the book, "I'm a Lebowski, You're a Lebowski" for the low, low, price of four dollars and was looking for a pimp cup for my son's nerdy, and quite possibly pederast, teachers assistant, when my still excited shoppers eye came across this beauty. A douchebag pint glass. It had me at hello. I got the douche glass and the Lebowski book for the combined price of twelve American dollars. I couldn't have been happier. The nerdy teacher's assistant would have to make do with a dunkin' donuts gift card. I, on the other hand, now have an emerald sweetheart of a glass to remind myself, of my true self whenever I drink and let that true self exert itself even more than when I'm not boozing.

When I was buying the glass the girl behind the counter, who I had been having a nice chat with about the Big Lebowski and other what have you's, said,
"Are you getting that for your son's teacher?"
I said,
"Ohhhhh no, not on your life. This sweet baby is all mine. I'm the king of douchebags and this is my new goblet."
She said, "Are you really a douchebag?"
I said, "You don't know me. Believe me, the glass speaks the truth, I am. "
But so as to not make her think I was a total asshole on top of being a douchebag, I said, "But I'm usually a douchebag in a good way."
"How so?" She inquired while scanning my items in a small talkish kind of way.
"I often say improper things at awkward times. Many times by accident because I have a big mouth. It can be embarrassingly comical, but I'm also the kind of douchebag that tells other douchbags that they're being real fucking douchebags. Then I hope they don't have guns."
"Ohh..." she said suddenly believing in my doucheness.

She'd heard and seen enough, she understood. She wrapped up my glass. I payed my money and took my loot. I ran home. I washed it. I cracked open a beer. I poured it in my new glass. I drank deep. I was happy.

WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT?

Picking strawberries: I've been avoiding the Blog a bit, doing other crap, keeping busy, improving myself in many, many, sexy ways. I picked strawberries today, what do you think of that? Pretty fucking hardcore huh? I got some good one's, ate a bunch of them, they were very tasty. I went with my son and his friend and his friend's mom. We were like migrant workers slaving away under the hot sun, laboring to fill our little cardboard containers. It felt so Steinbeck-ish, I was looking for a large retarded man to talk about rabbits with and shoot in the head. I'd like to say we let the kids run off to play while we made mad, sticky, sweet love, in the strawberry patch and made jam with our hot, outdoor, fuck action, but that would be very untrue and wrong and my wife would just about cut my nuts off. Wouldn't you honey? She knows all the ladies want to squeeze my man grapes and taste my juice. I'm a vintage year, ladies can't resist getting drunk on my love wine ...Just kidding honey bunch. Girls don't like me.

Vacation: What else is new? I go on vacation in 2 days. Gonna do some of that there fishing and swimming and drinking and reading and swimming and drinking and peeing in the ocean. The weather is supposed to suck giant nuts but I don't give a rats ass. The pool is heated, I can drink inside as easily as I can outside and I can fish in the rain. I'll bring some dvd's and the wii for the kids and
and presto, daddy doesn't have to do shit, which is what I want out of vacation anyway.


Killing Bin laden:I've been reading a lot about the Pakistani army killing and driving the Taliban out of the Northeastern swat valley region and I saw an article predicting the probability of the capture or death of Osama Bin laden pretty soon. I'll agree, why not, If it happens I look smart if not...staus quo. The Pakistani army, along with a lot of the local population, are fed up with the monster they created (the Taliban) they've already cleared out one rat's nest in the swat valley (something Bush couldn't seem to make them do) and you have a new badass commando leading the US troops in Afghanistan. Bin laden asked for donations in his last recording which might mean he's short on dough which will pretty much ensure his death or capture. The U.S. army will kill and push the Taliban and al qaeda fucks south into Pakistan and if the Pakistani army does what it's been doing in the swat in waziristan and the US is still offering a boatload of money for his head, someone will take it and he'll be a dead bitch. That will be a good day when we have his dead ass in a box. Hope I'm right.

Another GOP bible thumping hypocrite:Republican Sen. John Ensign of Nevada had an affair with a woman who was on his campaign staff. her husband was also on his campaign staff and a longtime "friend." This guy is one of those asshole holier than thou, born again "promise keeper" douchebags. Here's a promise to keep, don't fuck your friend's wife. Now it looks like theirs a lot of financial chicanery along with the affair, payoffs, blackmail lot's of seedy weirdness. I think I'll just make a new mathematical formula.
The amount of Jesus (A) asskissing (B) is directly proportional to hypocritical (C) sexual (D) inappropriateness(E)
A: + B:=C:D:E

Iran: Persian revolutions are fun to watch especially when they're not taking our people hostage. I hope they keep up the rioting and overthrow the fucks that run that place. I fear a lot of dead protesters before that ever happens. But I will say this, if the government goes all Tienanmen square on the protesters, that country will fucking explode and there will be some dead mullahs hanging from trees. A lot of people in that country are unhappy not just the educated class and students. that shit over there is real, bottom to top. Persians aren't Arabs, they're a little more European, a little more cosmopolitan, they don't put up with as much shit, Just ask the fucking Shah. It's been 30 years of Islamic leadership mixed with aggressive anti-western/authoritarian government and plenty of people want it gone. Obama is right to back off and kind of stay out of it, don't be seen as provocateurs, it's their country let them fix it if they can. Don't change the dynamic and give the Government a straw man to blame the unrest on, just watch the fireworks and then take credit if it goes your way. Power to the people.

I do hope the CIA has some sort of covert, free, underground satellite feeds for twitter and cell phones so the people over there can communicate and show what's going on. There's a reason the Iranian government cut all Internet and cell phone service.

CHAZ BONO IS MY NEW BESTEST BUDDY

Chaz Bono, my new bro and drinking buddy was spotted out with a new lady friend by TMZ. He's got all that sweet quiff right at his fingertips. Let me tell you something, that Chaz is one crazy pussy hound. He's got balls of steel, he'll approach any chick anywhere anytime. I saw him go into the ladies room to chase a skirt once. He came out with her didgits... and a tampon. That was fucking funny man. I said, "What you doing with that tampon?" he was all, "Uh I don't know what you're talking about." and tried to hide it. I was like, "That tampon in your back pocket.' Then he was like, "Ohh, this thing? I thought it was a cigar." and pretended to smoke it. Hysterical. He's my Dawg, my compadre, my wingman, and he never, ever, cock blocks me. He's got mad skills, he really knows how to get in a woman's head...and pants. We go out, throw back a few cold one's and then it's trauling for poonfish time. We drop his Mom's name on the ladies and they come running, it's awesome. Chaz sings a little half breed some, I got you babe and then, POW! We're knee deep in snatch. Look at him, so rougishly handsome, how could any lady resist that? It totally doesn't look like he's got a big rack O' man tits, he just works out a lot. Them's manly pecs. He's pretty fucking special. He's my bud, my main man. I did have to bust his balls over his hair though, frosted tips are so fucking gay.

IS IT WRONG TO ASK GOD TO KILL PEOPLE?

I'm feeling very conflicted. I'm a Yankees fan therefore I want my team to do well but I'm also viciously angry at my team for lying down like whipped bitches at the feet of the hated Red Sox. I want the Yankees to win but I also want them to pay and pay dearly for angering me so. At least one of them should pay with his life, Nick Swisher comes to mind. Mental errors are unacceptable in the big leagues. I think his base running mistakes are worthy of a death sentence this might be a tad too harsh but he should have kept his fucking moronic head in the goddamn game. Oh yeah, and kill the whole bullpen too, they suck. Thank you God.

CHASTITY BONO WANTS TO BE A DUDE...WELL LOOKS LIKE SHE'S PRETTY MUCH THERE ALREADY

So I read today that Chastity Bono is in the middle of getting a sex change. I don't want to make fun of Chastity, oops I mean Chaz, as her publicist is calling him now, it's gotta be a very difficult life feeling trapped in the wrong body and wanting to have sexual reassignment surgery. It has to be a fairly miserable existence feeling like you're the wrong sex and an incredibly hard decision to make to go all out and change it. But it kind of confuses me when it comes to big butch lesbians who want to become men because it get's into the whole aspect of sexual identity. If Chaz is really a man trapped in a woman's body than she's not nor has ever been a lesbian, she's a heterosexual man which means the type of women that she has dated and that she liked and that liked her back as a lesbian will no longer be attracted to her. Now she has to totally change up her entire dating and social scene and what has worked in the past, Melissa Etheridge concerts, softball games and Margaret Cho, won't work anymore. She'll have to learn new skills going after straight women. Lesbians are probably much friendlier and way cooler to other lesbians then your average stuck up bitch is to your average post op tran-dude or your average natural born male. She's gonna have to learn to eat scads of shit, apologize all the time for no apparent reason and take them to see stupid shit like Twilight movies. Chaz is gonna be all, "Yo bitch, all this testosterone they're pumping me full of is making my little, pinky sized, clit wiener go crazy! Give me some fucking love!" And they're gonna say, " "Not tonight Chaz, You didn't earn it yet, listen to my dumb bullshit for 3 more dates and maybe I'll take care of you."

I guess it's the same when a man changes into a woman but men are ridiculous, we'll fuck anything. To some guys, a he-she-tranny, full on, post-op chick is just another warm hole to poke.

Me: "Hey, that chick you just banged used to be a guy"

Dude who fucked ex-dude: "Used to? But she's not anymore right? "

Now I'm not a transsexual expert but a big, fat, dykie lesbian that looks like a dude probably gets boatloads more pussy than a fat, girlish man with a tiny, surgically created, taffy pulled penis and no testicles. I'm just saying, if she's in it for the pussy, and if she really is a dude, then that's the only thing she's in it for, then I'd have to advise her to go with the percentage play, stay trapped in her round, butchy shell and score all the sapphic tail she can. But Chaz is gonna do what Chaz is gonna do. At least with a women, if after the sex change, he doesn't like being a man, Chaz can always just cut his dick off and cram his nutsack back up inside himself. Voila, you got your vagina back Chaz. Now go fingerbang Porsche DeRossi.

WHEN YOUR NUMBER'S UP, YOUR NUMBER IS FUCKING UP: REAL LIFE FINAL DESTNATION

Crazy story from the Air France crash from Brazil. "...Johanna Ganthaler... was on vacation in Brazil with her husband Kurt when the pair miraculously missed the doomed flight to Paris. But their luck ran out on an Austrian road earlier this week... Ms Ganthaler died when their car veered across a road in Kufstein, Austria, and swerved into an oncoming truck. Her husband was seriously injured."If I were her husband I'd either be feeling very lucky or I'd be sleeping with one eye open in a life raft, next to fire extinguisher with a gun in a fucking bomb shelter wearing a hazmat suit and a bullet proof vest. This guy's gotta be sweating bullets expecting his ticket to get punched at any second now. You can run Kurt, but you can't hide.

FROM NOW ON THIS BLOG IS STRICTLY TITS AND YANKEE RANTS

Heather Graham, Ding dong! Honk, Boinggg, ka-pow, Squeeka Squeeka, chomp xoxoxoxo.

THE NEW YORK YANKEES: MY WELL OF DISGUST RUNETH OVER

You better fucking run you nutless bitches

I can't say this any clearer than this. The Yankees are a team of useless cunts. . Disgusting team of sandy vagina owning cowards. Wang and Burnett should both be thrown out of a fucking airplane. Jeter should have his head run over by a tank and the rest of the useless fucks on the team should get breast implants, tuck their dicks back and start sucking cock by the Holland tunnel. I hate this team, they owe me a fucking apology.

OH, DREADED SUN, DO YOU NOT COMPREHEND MY WORLD WEARINESS AND BLEAK OUTLOOK? SHINE NOT YOUR RAYS UPON MY ALABASTER VISAGE

Awesome website called http://www.gothsinhotweather.com/ it's dedicated to catching Goth's out in the daylight, at the beach and soaking up the sun. This girl in the photo hates life but loves her some ice cream. Personally, I could never adhere to a lifestyle or culture that made me have to dress up in outfits. I get all uncomfortable when I have to wear khaki pants, I can't imagine having to keep up the constant wearing of black and leather and velvet and overcoats and capes and complicated pants with extra snaps and zippers and blousey, Lord Byronesque pirate shirts when it's a hundred degrees outside. Plus all that clown makeup is bad for the skin you might not get sun damage but all the acne would be devastating to my attempts at scoring Goth poon.

I see the goth kids in their relaxing summer outfits sometimes, Dock martins, black and white striped tights, cutoff black pants, Christian death T-shirt, dog choker collar, caked on makeup...they look easy and breezy, Like a pack of thunderstorm clouds in the middle of a hot and sunny, summer day.

Man I hope my kids never become Goths, How much shit do you have to do wrong to get a sniveling kid that pretends to be deep, writes bad poetry, reads gay vampire novels, has a persecution complex and whines like a fucking brat in a Dracula outfit. I hope I'm not doing that shit right now because red headed Goth's would just look way too creepy. Like albino black people, Not easy to look at.

ME SO HORNY...WHAT ELSE IS NEW?

The chick in the red is boob model and horrible actress, Kelly Brook. She made herself famous by having a perfect rack and by sleeping with one time movie star Billy Zane. I could look at his kind of crap all day...oh wait, I already do. Actually, it would be easier to look at this stuff if there was even a remote chance that I could somehow get myself situated in between these two sluts with a tube of astroglide, some baby oil and a sandwich. Man's gotta eat. I 'd need my energy for the marathon boning session that I'd throw upon these two harlots. Why oh why did God put women like this on the planet and not give at least 5 of them to me? It's like when I was a child in school. A kid would be eating candy and the teacher would say, don't bring candy into school unless you have enough for everyone. Well I want some fucking candy goddammit! Billy Zane got his candy, where the hell is mine? I mean what's the fun of looking at the delicious candy in the red bathing suit if I can't devour that shit. I want to eat the shit out of that candy. I want it to give me a toothache.

TED'S GOT A BLACK GUY IN HIS HOUSE...I THINK

I just can't find him...I just hear him, at least I think I do. I'm quite possibly losing my fucking mind. Last night I layed on the couch and watched True Blood on HBO. I've got one of those annoying colds where you only cough at bedtime so I was laying there coughing like Beth in Little Women. The show was over I turned off the TV to go to bed. I walked into my bathroom opened the closet, swigged some Tylenol nighttime cold remedy and grabbed for the Mucinex. I was about to unscrew the cap when I distinctly heard a black man say, "You don't want to do that brother." I froze dead in my tracks and stood silently for about three minutes. At first I thought the TV had popped back on, but it hadn't. I stood there silent listening for any movement or noise but there was none. When I thought it safe enough to unscrew the mucinex, I did so, but quietly, so as to not let the big black man, that obviously is not a fan of mixing medications, know that I was going against his wishes. I took out one pill and put the cap back on as silently as I could, then I gently crept into my kitchen to get a glass of water for my pill.


As I turned the water on, again I heard a disembodied, yet distinctly African American male voice say, "Nuh uh, partner." Again I froze. I turned the water off and stood there silently, listening for a black guy moving around my house with my pill clenched between my front teeth and a glass of water in my hand. I looked out the window. Maybe there's a random black guy outside spying on me giving me medical advice. I couldn't see one. I quickly took the pill and washed it down with the water. I'll be damned if some invisible black man is gonna try to stop me from taking mucinex dammit. I glanced around for a weapon, just in case someone had somehow slipped into my house without me knowing it and decided to make himself known at the very moment of my cold medicine intake. I was within Arms reach of many knives but felt my belt with it's large metal buckle might make for a less lethal method of self defense. After all, he had only shown disfavor with my choice of medicine which though unsettling didn't really warrant a stabbing, maybe a metal belt buckle to the eye, but not a stabbing. I walked around the house whispering, "Hello? Large black man? Are you here?" Then I thought, maybe he likes motown so I started singing 'ain't too proud to beg' hoping he'd feel the urge to join in and reveal himself. Nothing. Maybe a poor choice of song, perhaps, Poppa was a rolling stone? DMX's 'My Niggas'? Nothing. I walked around my house with my belt ready to sting the eye of any possible negro assailant, but to no avail. There wasn't a single black person in my house.

I went upstairs to look for him. I went into my kids room and looked once more out the window, I checked their closet and finding no one gave them both a kiss on their cute little sleeping heads. Then I went into my bedroom and woke my sleeping wife, I sat down next to her on the bed and whispered softly, "Don't be alarmed but there might be a gigantic black guy, quite possibly an escaped convict, hiding somewhere within our house, don't worry, go back to sleep." I didn't want to keep my wife awake all night with my coughing so I decided to sleep in the guest room. The only room with a lock on the door and the last place a murderous home invading psychopath would look mid slaughter. I slept like a baby. Black guy and all.

PORKFEST IV: INTRAVENOUS DE SWINO WAS THE BEST PORKFEST EVER

Where to begin? What a balls out awesome time I had the other night. Great party if I do say so myself, fuck it I'll say it. It was a really good party. PORKFEST RULES! It's not easy hosting an event as important to the world as Porkfest. There's a lot of pressure on ol' Ted to make sure everything goes off without a hitch and I couldn't really do it without a lot of help from the wife who busts her ass cleaning and gives me the time to do the shit I have to do to prepare for the fiesta. Of course my brother and sisters and brother in law, the "loinmaster" and my cuz "boss hog" his wife of the pulled pork nachos and my good friends all help out. I'm glad they all bought in to the concept of Porkfest otherwise it wouldn't work so well. Everyone seems to relish their appointed pork niche which lends itself to a swinging good time had by all. They are vested in the outcome of the swine extravaganza. Like ants in a colony, everyone has a role to play. But in the end, you truly know that it's your party when it's time to clean up the huge fucking mess. Oh sweet ownership. I am the general so I slog in. Still, when all of the previous night's singing and dancing and laughing and fun is just a sweet memory poking at my hungover brain and I'm abandoned, I still feel happy and warm inside knowing that Porkfest has become the greatest holiday ever invented by two bored, drunken idiots that like to gorge on the swine. I love you Porkfest. Hopefully next year, a couple of my so-called, douche bag, friends that didn't show up, will come.

I saw this pic and started cooking on what will be in the works for next year.
Next year's big accessory will be: The PorkFez

doing the world famous duet of "Jump Around" with Boss Hog

Ringing the bell for PORKFEST IV

I love meat sweats