ERIN ANDREWS FROM ESPN KEYHOLE NUDIE TAPE: COLOR ME DUBIOUS

this is not the tape so don't click it ya pervs...I only watched for science's sake.

I watched the grainy 5 minutes of ESPN's sexy sports reporter Erin Andrews curling her hair while naked. Right there I called bullshit. Who uses a hot curling iron while their tits are hanging out? How would she read the important sports news or interview Kobe if she burned her nipples? It all seemed kind of set up to me. How would the person filming her through the peephole know that she stands around naked for long periods of time? The person would have to be intimate enough with her schedule and behavior to know exactly when and where she would be in order to catch her vagina flapping in the breeze. Why isn't she doing her hair curling in the fucking bathroom either? No Robe? Why didn't she deny that it was her when the video was first posted on line? You can't even tell it's her and the perv who took the video never identified her. It's all too strange for my Sherlock Holmes-like mind. This is a Paris Hilton/ Kim Kardashian sex tape, grab for fame without having to suck a dick and look like a whore. She gets to look like a victim (which she probably is, but humor me on this one) garner sympathy and increase her 'exposure' no pun intended.

She is a hottie and on TV which means she wants to be more famous and do something more important than ESPN, so she got a buddy to film her while she shook her ass a little and curled her hair. It's not sexual but sexy, not explicit but titillating. You have to admit, whether she set it up or not, it worked. I had no clue who she was before the whole keyhole thing now I know that she's groomed like a baby in her nether regions ( as far as I could tell) and that her breasts are nice but not as big as they look on tv and that she has somewhat wide hips and that she likes to shake her ass a little and check herself out in the mirror while she curls her long blond hair in the nude...for 5 minutes without moving from the same spot that's not the bathroom but the bedroom area and never puts on a bra or panties or robe, she just hangs around in a hotel room buck naked, curling her hair, in front of a keyhole that just happens to have a camera in it. I do that all the time, don't you? I'm sorry, but I always suspect hotties of foul play because they are evil.

I also find her story fishy because she called the police last night because she was being stalked by paparazzi...exactly 2 guys in a car outside her house. She wishes paparazzi were stalking her. C'mon she fucking wishes, she's an ESPN chick and she's getting stalked in Atlanta by paparazzi? Ridiculous. On top of that she keeps telling the 911 operator how she's all over the news for being taped naked without her knowledge as if her fame is so great she's up there with Miley Cyrus. She almost sounds desperate to keep her name in the news, like the attention is dying from the story so she's trying to drum up more publicity. The operator is like, "I never heard of ya." that must have broke her poor, naked, lying, heart.

listen to this I'm famous for being naked don't you know me????

I SHOULD SMOKE MORE WEED

And by smoke more, I mean I never smoke weed so once in a while might be nice. I hardly ever partake in the herb but I woke up on the couch and Pineapple Express was on Showtime and it made me nostalgic for the good ol' weed smoking days. I love the smell of weed but I never really liked the way I behaved on the pot. The good ol weed smoking days mostly consisted of me doing a single bong hit and then staring into space for an hour feeling like I've wasted my life and then throwing up. Either that or I'd laugh for an hour because I suddenly thought the word "pancho" was fucking hysterical or I'd get crazy paranoid and stare into a mirror watching my heart beat, convinced it was about to stop at any second. So actually, I should never smoke pot but I should drink more, and more often. Alcohol is my friend, it makes me super.

BIRTHERS AND OTHER CRAP

There's been a lot of talk lately amongst the absolute lunatics that makeup today's republican party that Barak Obama is not eligible for the Presidency because he was actually born in Kenya and not Hawaii. The people who believe this are of course the same assholes that throw tea parties and think Adam and Eve are really the first two people to ever walk the earth. They believe Obama is an illegitimate president and no matter how many times you show them his birth certificate or the birth announcements from 1960 in Hawaiian newspapers, they don't believe it's real, just like they don't believe in evolution. These retards are called "birthers" and they make up a good lump of the right wing, conservative, republican, neanderthal movement in America. Lou Dobbs is one of them as are many southern racist congressmen and senators. You might compare these cocks to 9/11 conspiracy theorists except for one thing, there's more fishy evidence about 9/11 than there is about Obama being born in Kenya.

As for Obama, I wish he guy would rule like a fucking tyrant. He's too much of a pussy. he needs to kick the living shit out of the Dem's that don't get on board with him. Jesus christ, every conservative and republican is dead set against socialized medicine or the "public health care option" as they're calling it, and acts like it will bring about Armageddon, so you know it must be good. They're not against it because it's bad, they're against it because they know if it's done right and it works, no one will ever vote for another republican. If they're against it, it must be the best thing in the fucking world since sliced bread because republicans have hated every program that ever came down the pike that ever actually helped people. Social security, medicare, student loans, the GI bill, the FDA ,OSHA, Santa Claus, they want them all destroyed and taken away. At the same time, Barak's own party is in the pocket of the insurance industry and the pharmaceutical industry. Every democrat should want to crush the fucks that have made US health care so expensive and unfair and corrupt but if they did then they wouldn't get their campaign money so to protect their jobs in congress, everyone else gets fucked. And that's because Barak's a pussy. He should grab a fucking hammer and smash a few skulls and maybe crush a few cocks and nuts. "Do as I say muthafuckas! Bang! Then maybe we'd get some change I can fucking believe in.

THE SIDE TATTOO: WHAT ALL THE STUPID WHORES ARE WEARING NOW

Megan Fox: Super Hot, but as her stupid tattoo reveals, she's a dunce with tumbleweeds rolling around in her skull

Oh how morons love trends. If a stupid celebrity does or wears something you know within a week a million dumb chicks and dumb dudes will want to show how just unimaginative, useless and lemming-like they all are. Remember the Rachel? A stupid haircut became all the rage amongst women during the 90's because of Jennifer Anniston's friends hairdo. Ever see that prick Pete Wentz from fallout boy and the uber gay emo haircut he's got? Every stupid kid has that haircut. All the young guys on my wife's dumb soap opera have the same swoopy sensitive asshole cut. Even I, yes I, fell prey to the pressures of idiot trends and for some dumb reason I simply could not resist the allure of the fabulously white trashy, party in the back, sass of the dreaded mullet. Why? There is no excuse, I thought it rocked but I was just a fucking idiot. But I learned my lesson, after the follicle abortion and downright embarrassing collection of photos to prove that I too had been suckered in by the trendy power of the mullet, I vowed to never be trendy again. My days of being trendy were over forever. Now there is a new trend started by a few Hollywood sluts that I see is making headway amongst all the dopey whorebags today. Like all stupid trends, the new replaces the old and alas, the halcyon days of the tramp stamp have slowly begun to wane only to give way to an even bigger stamp of douchebaggery; the side tattoo.

The first person I saw with the side tattoo on was probably Megan Fox, the master thespian from the movies about cars that turn into robots or vice versa, For those who can't read what it says etched into her skin with black ink in the type font of wisdom, olde English, it's the very deep and poignant 7th grade girl thinking about the Jonas brothers during math class,
There
once was
a little
girl who
never knew
love until
a boy
broke her
HEART

Profound. And a good taker upper of useless side of the body space. Can't leave that blank when there's deep philosophical happenings going on inside her diaper filled noggin. Wonderful stuff. If that wasn't enough to prove that she's not just a pretty face but a deep thinker about...um... stuff, She's also stuck this King Lear quote on her shoulder,
We will all laugh At gilded butterflies
Now far be it from me to hazard a guess about someone's motives for choosing such a quote but this seems to me to be what a dumb person thinks a smart person would etch into their skin. She's also pretending to seem above her celebrity status and putting down fame and beauty as she preens and poses for the cameras on the red carpet. Pure genius. Here's an idea to put in er head. DO PORN.


Here we have the little sprite, theatrical powerhouse and lover of foreign language, Hayden Panettiere, Most famous for being the blond cheerleader chick from the show, Heroes. Don't worry, I never watched it either. She's got a fancy tattoo written in Italian on her side it says
"Vivere senza rimipianti," which is supposed to mean " To live without regrets" which is very apropos because this fucking moron is rocking a misspelled tattoo. Seems that the tattoo says "rimipianti" instead of "rimpianti," In this case the misspelled word is in Italian so she only looks like an illiterate jerk when in Rome but for getting such an awesomely stupid tattoo, she shows that she's got shit for brains everywhere she goes.

Here's Rihanna showing exactly why Chris brown needed to beat the shit out of her. it's in Sanskrit which of course means she's deep and that it not only could be misspelled but it could say that she loves gargling big hairy balls and no one would have a fucking clue.


And here's just your average random whore in a bikini, Brittany McPeak. She proves that a last name tattoo can never be large enough. What's my name? Look at my side tat bitch! McPeak yo! I rocks the bikini and the side tattoo and the stupid lip pout like a muthafucka! But she's not just a dumb slut with a bad tattoo, oh no. She's also a college student and model. Brittany will continue her studies in the fall, focusing on psychiatry/criminal psychology. Yes please Brittany, be my psychiatrist. The tattoo gives me all the faith in the world that you could help me solve my problems with your keen and incisive intellect. At least during our sessions I could bang you on your couch, maybe leave a little something for you on the McPeaks. Oh no I didn't!

THE WHOLE GATES COP OBAMA BEER THING

gates should have chilled, the cop should have walked away. You can't arrest a guy for not liking you and telling you you're a racist fuck even if they aren't. You can't interrogate a man in his own house and expect him to not get pissed. I know cops put up with a lot of shit but you can't arrest people for telling you to go fuck yourself.

On a personal note;I almost got arrested as a teen for sitting in the garage of my neighbor. She had called and asked if I could open her garage and turn on the lights in her house because she didn't like entering a dark house. Once in the garage I found the door leading into her house was locked so I waited for her to come home in her garage. A neighbor called the cops that a strange man was sitting in her neighbors garage, within minutes about twenty douchebag cops rushed me and started yelling at me and being tough guys. They let me go but not after yelling at me, shoving me, slamming me into stuff and accusing me of a ton of dumb shit. Cops aren't the brightest bulbs to begin with, two years of junior college criminal justice courses don't exactly make these idiots legal scholars either, you mix that with power and you've got a group of arrogant assholes. Sorry, that's how it is.

DOUCHEBAG OR NOT DOUCHEBAG? DON'T ANSWER, I ALREADY KNOW

My wife and kids and I went downtown for some ice cream and a walk this evening. On the walk uptown from the ice cream shop a guy with a mohawk on a chopper went ripping past us with ridiculous loud fucking pipes. I tend to think most bikers are douchebags to begin with but when my kid jumps and gets startled because a guy is revving and choking and re-revvving his baffle-less, dick machine, I already know. My son said, "Dad, that guy is scary." I said, "yes, he's a very scary tough guy, he's so tough he scared a 4 year old with his big bike." We continued our walk.

The kids were covered in ice cream and my older guy had to drop a deuce so we stopped into a local bar. My wife took the kids to the John and I ordered two beers. It was a nice evening so the wife and kids and I sat outside and drank our beers while my sons ate complimentary popcorn. One beer apiece and we continued our stroll. We passed the town library and popped in for a little bit, I read my younger guy some books as my older guy read Spongebob and then we started walking back to the car. I had my 4 year old on my shoulders when a different guy on a bike roared past with even louder pipes than the previous prick. My son asked, "Why is that guys motorcycle so loud?" Believing that sometimes you just have to tell kids the truth, "Because he's an asshole." I said without a moments hesitation . My wife shot me a look of anger and disgust that made me want to throw my child at her.

Then the psychoanalysis began. "You've got issues with anyone who tries to be different and outshine you, if you're not the one getting the attention the other person is automatically an asshole." (or something to that effect) Now those are some serious PMS fighting words and although I am usually smart enough to just ignore her hormonal talk, I felt the gauntlet had been thrown down and i like to argue a just and righteous cause, so I took her quasi pseudo Freudian bait.

"Do I play my car radio loud enough for everyone to hear it? Do I do burnouts and doughnuts to attract attention? Do I tear around on an obnoxiously loud bike in Halloweenish overly macho clothes in order to show what a bad ass I am and that I'm not a fucking homo? No I don't, because those are the signs of a fucking asshole with nothing to say and no personality so he makes a fucking racket to try to impress and distinguish himself. I don't need to do that, I'm already fucking cool."

"You're a total narcissist ." She said half laughing. "Hey, I snapped, (I will now paraphrase the lecture I gave my obviously sick to death of me wife) "If you're not lying in a ditch, wasting away and dying with a heroin needle in your arm, I've got news for you, you're a narcissist.

Narcissism is what keeps people living their lives and bathing and getting haircuts and dye jobs and pedicures, clothes, new cars and nice houses. We're all fucking narcissists."

"You think I'm more narcissistic than a guy who tears around annoying the fuck out everyone on a chopped up bike in a little leather uniform just to get attention, negative or otherwise, from total strangers?

Well maybe I am.

I guess I like myself enough and have enough to talk about that I don't have to rely on props and loud bikes to feel important. A douchebag on a loud bike is the same as a no personality having asshole who goes to a bar with a dog so people will at least pay attention to the cute, little, thing he brought with him. They are both needy losers who know they have nothing going on so they load up with artifice; bullshit, dogs, bikes, loud pipes what have you. Those two bikers were big floppy clown shoes, assholes...douchebags, I'm right. End of story."


My wife loved me all over again because of my nimble, superior, lawyer-like and non douche bag mind. We drove home and we happily chatted some more about my narcissistic, power freak personalty and my hypocrisy for having problems with authority while at the same time being authoritative with my sons. We touched on these and other assorted maladies of my mind. Yup, my wife loves me... at least she says she does.

WHERE THE FUCK HAVE I BEEN? NOWHERE FUN

I got's no desire to write shit. My excitement with going to old mystic seaport yesterday and eating Pizza and Italian ice on Wooster street in New Haven's little Italy on Saturday just won't come across properly in written form. Took my son to Chuck E. Cheeses and then threw a little soiree for his 8th birthday party on Friday. Drank some excellent of beer and grilled some nice garlic shrimp on rosemary skewers but once again, the joy of these things just can't be expressed in words. Wow, I am seriously living the suburban douche life of a boring 42 year old married guy.

It's definitely time to buy a sports car and act like a mid-life crisis having dildo. I need some excitement. I actually don't want a car I just want to...mmmm, don't actually know. I had a dream the other night that I murdered a homeless guy, that didn't make life more exciting. It just made it sad.

I think I want to go to a fucking Yankee game and not have to drive home, I want to go out and tie one on and not have to come home. I want to sleep till 3:00 in the afternoon, I want to be alone for a month and I want...wait..I want... to be like that stupid Chinese fuck on John and Kate plus 8. I want my wife to kick my ass out of the house so I can travel the world and fuck coked up 22 year old sluts. Sounds good. That's the plan.
22 year old coke whores = excitement... right? Do they really? probably not, i'd just want to fuck them and then murder them for speaking to me with their stupid 22 year old coke snorting faces, still, it would definitely beat the hell out of hanging with the kids while they cry about not getting a horsey ride around old mystic seaport. I couldn't even read the god damn plaques on the buildings and historical displays because my dopey, jerky jerks have to run around and distract the fuck out of me. I love history and I couldn't even enjoy the old stuff. Oh yeah, today I took the 4 year old to get a chicken pox vaccine. Fun stuff. Crying, freaking out, oscar worthy hysterics. I swear, one of these days I'm just gonna go eat a fucking pistol. Blam! Big ol' bullet right through the top of my head, leave a smoking, brain splattered hole the size of two fists. The end of me, silence. peace and still bored.

I'M BACK MOTHERFUCKERS

Ted got hit with a perfect storm of shit. Dead people, swine flu up my ass and a fucked computer. My Wife's Grandmother died so I was busy with that, myself and my younger son caught the fucking asscock flu and my computer decided to up and suck a cargo bay full of dicks like a faig on meth. I've just returned from cape cod with a hankering for people as fucked up as I am. I'm fed up with being polite and nice and being full of shit because that's what's expected. I seriously can only feel calm and relaxed when people are being stupid, doing and saying stuff that is wrong. Niceties drive me crazy. A full weekend of pretending to be a halfway nice person is just too much for a dick such as myself. The funny part is I wasn't even being that nice. I felt like shit. I was sick, my neck is ridiculously fucked up and stiff and I was sleeping in sweaty humid, shit, conditions. I was not a happy camper. My wife was pretty fed up with me being a negative grouch but there wasn't much I could do. Funerals suck to begin with, and trying to get over the flu, dressed in suits in blazing weather, trying to make small talk with people that I barely know. I'm standing around like a friendless, dateless dick at the prom.

Everyone brought their kids to the wake and funeral so I felt like a dick for not exposing my kids to a dead 90 year old lady. I know my kids would have been annoying compared to all the other perfectly dressed, little goody, goody fucks. I don't know, is it me or is a wake not really a place for little kids? I guess that I'm the fucked up one and the shit parent. Anyway the weekend was rough. I was hot and miserable, crammed into a small, hot house with 9 other people, trying to sleep with lungs filled with goo in small guest beds with no fans, no AC, kids sleeping on top of me like wet blankets all the while feeling like my head had been nailed in one position to fencepost embedded in my neck. Then I'm supposed to be nice and want to be all happy-go-lucky. The only thing that could bring me relief normally would be chilling out, kicking back with some alcohol but my wife's family aren't drinkers so I always look like a total alcoholic amongst them, that's no fun so instead I sat around and did nothing like a bored house cat. I went miniature golfing, took the kids fishing, went to the beach, watched Tom Watson blow the British open, all these things are fun and wonderful but I felt unfulfilled.

After a funeral I usually feel two different things.

One: I feel like I should try to be a better person, be more helpful, affect people in a positive way. Be more Jesus, selfless, help others, do God's work all that stuff, so this way when I die I will be well thought of.

Two: I feel life is short, I want to assrape the world, just do whatever the fuck I want, be a full on selfish prick, live life to the fullest, take no prisoners, go ballistic.

Usually I just settle into a happy medium. Fuck that. I'm not getting any younger, let the mid-life crisis begin. This time I'm going full on jerk mode.

STEVE MCNAIR: I'M SURE PLENTY OF WOMEN ARE HAPPY AND PLENTY OF MEN ARE THINKING TWICE

I usually don't celebrate when people die and I didn't when I heard about Steve McNair being murdered but let's face it, the guy fucked up, he latched onto a psycho bitch, promised her a bunch of shit and paid the price. He had it coming. Now, I don't think he deserved to die for cheating on his wife but he was stupid and careless and brought the devil female wrath down upon his head. Now all the women can applaud. Now they think men will think twice before pounding some strange. They're right, men should always think twice we just never do. We love the poon. Steve Mcnair loved the poon and didn't think twice now you can use his head for a mailbox.

I just don't get his idiocy. He was a star in college and in the NFL, he had to have learned a better sense of women. He must have shagged and dumped a million of them. He must have seen plenty of tantrums and fits from his ladies over the years. How the hell did he not see this shit coming? He had to have seen a boatload of crazy shit coming from the stupid whore he was shacking up with before she blew his brains out while he laid sleeping. The fact that he was still stupid enough to bed down with the crazy tramp earns him a place in the hall of fame of stupid guys looking to get fucked up by psychotic women while sleeping. His plaque will be right next to John Wayne Bobbit's, Phil Hartman's and the burning bed, wife beating dude. You'd figure he tagged truckloads of ass in his day so why was he promising some dumb chick that he was gonna leave his wife? Why was he giving her Escalades and other expensive crap? He could have banged a thousand sluts for nothing but he made the ultimate mistake that no rich pussy hound can make. He grew attached, he fell in love. He was weak and now he's dead.

The first thing all smart males learn once they begin interacting with the opposite sex is that women are unpredictable, overly emotional, unstable, obsessive, devious and like to plan and ruminate and think... Like paranoid Hitler's in bunkers. Why do women drive like shit? Simple; because they're not watching the road, they're planning, plotting, thinking about everything but the road. They're going over and over a conversation they just had with a friend, looking for the hidden insults and double meanings. None found? They move onto their next pawn to manipulate. "
"Hmm, how can I get my husband to do the laundry more often?" Can't figure it out? When all else fails, Apply guilt

The best a man can ever hope to do is find a cool girl that's just a smidge less crazy then all of her insane sisters.

Because women grow up and begin bleeding on cue like tamponic metronomes they think that if the world isn't in some sort of predictable cycle, or rhythm then it's out of order. Almost every woman I know obsesses about the weather. They can't change it or control it so it drives them nuts. Steve McNair's crazy murdering bitch might as well have been shooting a tv set permanently tuned in to the weather channel. What all you female nuts fail to realize is that it is your own unhinged, uterine based nitro-glycerin that throws every little thing in the world out of fucking whack. You think the Al Qaeda would exist if women were laid back and cool? Not in a million years. Women are crazy, they drive men crazy, men are industrious especially when driven crazy then the World trade center gets attacked.

But I misspoke, The truly big mistake that McNair made was not getting attached to her it was that he promised her stuff. Women only have memories of the conversations we have with them for the things men PROMISE them. They listen to nothing you say unless it's about an engagement ring or it's some sensitive tid bit or family secret that can in some way be useful to throw back in you face somewhere down the road.

Rule #1 of dealing with women. Promise them nothing. Then they can't ever be disappointed. I've been with my wife for 21 years and I've never promised her anything. I don't even promise to take the garbage out, this way she's always surprised when something actually gets done. And look, I'm writing this so I must still be alive. that proves my mysoginistic ramblings true. You might think I'm a woman hater but I love women. I just understand them. I also don't sleep with them during long rainy spells. These last two rainy months I've blocked the weather channel and slept on a couch with a double pump shotgun on my chest.

NOW THAT REALLY IS A PRECIOUS MOMENT

Big eyed freaky kids roaming each other's ceramic nether regions, always gets me all silly in the pants just thinking about it. Ahh 2nd base, one of my favorites. The first time a girl lets you roam into, under or down her shirt and inside the bra is pretty fucking special. I still remember my first boobie grab, felt like a bag of sand. Actually, I was amazed, dumbfounded and befuddled at how soft yet how perky and gravity defying they were, remember the girl was only 13 or 14, while I was a young lad of 28. They were all Soft and warm and floaty, like a bowl of warm pudding with nipples. Ahh boobs, is there anything better?

I was having this discussion the other night, what entices the male eye and gets the mojo working more? A beautiful face or a big, beautiful rack? We both agreed, a great pair of breasts stuffed into a tight fitting something sure as shit will begin the launch sequence and set my happy haynes hellfire into seek and destroy mode. Kaboom! It really is precious.

COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR...A TRIFECTA OF ICK

Who is this sexy drunk lady? Why it's none other than Three's company's Joyce Dewitt. Looking good Janet. So let's see what happened to the cast of Three's company. Jack? Dead
Mr. Roper? Dead. Mrs. Roper? Dead.
Janet? miserable old drunk hag.
Chrissy? injects her vagina with estrogen and talks about it on Oprah
Mr. Furley? Dead
Larry the creepy swinger friend? Who gives a shit. Man, that show was cursed.

Hey horsey why the long face? Why it's none other than Hillary Swank and her equine chompers jumping into the pilot seat of famous missing lesbian, Amelia Earhart. Was Amelia Earhart really a lesbian? I don't know but she flew a plane and had short hair so that's enough for me. Hillary Swank makes my penis retract like a turtle being kicked around by a bear.

Hey let's break out another freak at the Michael Jackson celebrity douche-a-thon. It's cuddly ex-child actor and junkie Corey Feldman dressed in his finest Jackson regalia. Did Michael ever puff on Feldman's peter? Just look at that moron. I would say it's a resounding Yes!

CALL ME A WUSSFUCK BUT I LIKE THIS SONG AND VIDEO

I like Katy Perry, she's got a knack for catchy tunes, has a good voice and a very nice pair of those things I like so very much. That's usually more than enough in my book but she's also a sassy number with a sense of humor and a propensity for wearing cool 1940's get ups. I'm an egotistical enough douche to think that if I met her and we had some time to bullshit and have a few drinks that I'd soon be plowing her pea patch. I downloaded this song about 4 months ago but only started listening to it about 2 weeks ago now I find myself singing it all the time.

My frame of reference for the song is limited being that she's singing about dudes and I don't pine away for men but I can at least imagine that she's singing about how super fucking wonderful I am. That's why I like this song, I've got a very inflated sense of self worth and this song fits right into my narcissistic imagination. I can imagine every girl singing it about me. Their husbands, boyfriends, what have you's leave them feeling lackluster? Bam! The song is now about captain T to the muthafuckin' E to the better than your boyfriend, D! In my deluded mind the girl I talked to for 5 seconds today at the store is totally thinking of me when she hears this song...I know it! Is Katy Perry really singing about Ted? You're asking me? Of course she is.

WHILE I'M ON STUFF I HATE

I hate roadside memorials. "Hey my friend plowed into this tree and split his head in half...here's a flower." I hate candle light vigils. "Hey my friend got shot by a deranged gun nut let's march with candles." I hate when famous people die and asshole fans leave stuffed animals and flowers and notes and other assorted shit outside their house. "Hey Michael Jackson died, I'm gonna go to his house and leave a stuffed monkey to show the depth of my loss. Sure I didn't know princess Diana but that's not gonna stop me from bringing a pile of crap to Buckingham palace and crying like a hysterical autistic kid when some asshole in the media comes over to ask me why she was so special. Get a life, Stupid Douche fucks.

They're dead, they can't accept your lame ass tokens and could give a rats ass. Move on, give some flowers to someone who's actually alive and might appreciate them. Memorials are for idiots who want to make a spectacle of themselves pretending they care, but it's really about them. Michael's dead? Watch me mourn. I'm the best mourner out there...did you see how empathetic I am and how very deeply I felt about this? See how sensitive I am? I'm so awesome. Where's my candle, I've got a vigil to go to for Darfur rape victims.

When I die, lay me out, throw my ass in hole, get drunk, tell stories about what a dick I was and have a good laugh, wake up with a hangover and think about me every now and then. That's enough and if I see one fucking stuffed animal I'm haunting your ass.

LAUGHING MORONS AND OTHER ANNOYANCES

1) I took my kids to see night at the Museum last week and while the trailers were playing, there was a woman sitting next to who kept laughing at all the all the coming attractions. Now this woman was around 50 years old and all the coming attractions were for movies geared toward 5 year olds. Is there really an adult out there that thinks the fucking chipmunks are funny? I slept through their last goddamn piece of crap flick while my 7 year old laughed his stupid ass off. But he's 7, he's supposed to laugh at singing chipmunks, adults aren't, unless of course that adult was hit in the head with a steel girder and has the intelligence of a chipmunk. I think that was the case with the laughing asshole next to me.

2) LOL-ers: This is a theme I keep returning to but I really can't stand all the people on facebook on blogs, twitter... wherever, who feel a need to annotate their so-called jokes by announcing to everyone that it's supposed to be funny. "I just took a shit! lol!" I will now show you three actual examples from facebook responses from people attached to other people who are barely my acquaintances let alone actual friends, but hey, it's a modern world, they asked for my friendship, I accepted, now I sit there like a moron reading their lame ass responses just to anger myself up.

Post : "I'm listening to Pink Floyd"
Response: GOOD MUSIC TO LISTEN TO WHEN YOU'RE HIGH......................ON LIFE....LOL

Post: "I'm drinking a blue moon"
response: I turned to Shiraz or better known as CHIraz.... lol

Post: "I'm back on the ground in ny"
response: we miss you already
response: oooohhh NOOOO !!! I BEAT U !!! I BET I MISS U MORE !!! Have fun at the beach tomarrow ! lol Ill call u from work ! lol Kiss da kids 4 me !

What the fuck? Is any of that shit remotely worth smiling over let alone laughing out loud at? The last one is just baffling, but whatever, the dude loves his wife and laughs out loud for no fucking reason.
Almost nothing makes me laugh out loud. And you can bet your ass if I write something that I think is funny I don't have to telegraph the fucking thing with a little announcement. It's either funny or it isn't. You telling me that you're laughing over you're own joke just makes you an unfunny dick. There is only one acceptable way to announce what you're writing is a joke. If you write something as a joke but you're afraid of how it appears in writing and that someone might take it the wrong way, everyone knows you do the winking semi-colon right parenthesis ;) There, now you have let the person know it's a joke without going over the top with an LOL, LMAO, the dirtier version, LMMFAO or god fucking fordbid, the dreaded, ROTFL. As Walter would say, Fucking amateurs.

3) as always fat people in go carts at the store. The other day, fridy before the 4th of July, there were like five people in fatso go karts at the supermarket all in produce at the same time, beeping, crashing into everyone and everything making a god damn racket, blocking every fucking aisle, so as I stood there in horror just beyond the doors looking in. I asked the kid gathering the shopping carts this question:
"How do the fat people get from their cars to the obese, golf cart, shopping cycle things in the first place?"

"They walk" said the smirking kid.

"How novel." I said.

"let me ask you for a favor." I then said.

"OK" said the kid a little apprehensively


"If you ever see me riding in one of those beeping, fat people carts... pump a fucking bullet right into my head.

Will you do that for me?"


"Sure." said the laughing kid.

I took a deep breath, walked through the sliding doors and entered the store with a chip on my shoulder the size of a fat person on a chub skooter.

Get outta my way you slovenly motherfuckers!!!!!

TRASH? YOU BETCHA!

Right wing dickholes are still defending this quitting clown. She's still the Queen for a nation of ignorant hillbilly's and ill-informed trash like herself. I Can't wait to see her on Fox news along with noted retards Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity with her own shit brained show. I saw a few Conservative commentators, even Karl Rove laying into her decision to quit. You know it's a stupid political decision when even the biggest, lying, republican prick can't spin your wacky actions in a positive light and basically gives you an F. I guess if you think she really had a chance in politics then it's a fucking idiot move, but It's only a very bad decision if she really thought she had a shot at the republican nomination. From everything I've read about her, she takes no time actually doing her job. She doesn't like the In's and outs of politics, she just likes the power and the notoriety, so If all she really wants is to be famous and make a boatload of cash then it's a smart move. Why stress out your already feeble mind governing a state in the middle of nowhere for chump change when you can milk all the right wing retards in this country with books, speaking appearances and a show? She's a stupid, lying, schmuck but she knows how to self promote and keep herself in the news. She's the Madonna of politics, no talent other than being famous. I love how she bashed Hillary for whining about the press and then quits her governorship because of the mean, old, librul press. David Letterman and vanity fair drove me to quit. What a fucking Dunce, but yeah, I'd still fuck her. Her head would be in the toilet getting a swirly but I'd still throw her a good one.

WHAT A STUPID BITCH

I've been loving all the coverage on the Hillbilly from Wasilla since the Vanity Fair story broke this week exposing what a complete lying sack of moronic shit this dunce is. Andrew Sullivan was also extremely busy all week tallying up all of her easily refutable, nonsensical lies and hammering away at how unbelievably and dangerously close John McCain came to putting this dopey bag of shit in the drivers seat of our country. So I was happily surprised when a disgusted republican neighbor told me today that the lying sack of crap/Jerry Springer episode Governor of Alaska was stepping down for no real reason except that she's an incompetent boob. Upon closer inspection there is much scuttlebutt in Alaska that the Palin's are being investigated for steering state money to a company in return for favors like the beautiful house they had built for them on a lake. So like every other Alaskan republican she's a fucking crook. But who cares about that crap I just love her soap opera-esque, white trash idiocy.

Paul Begala sums up the fucking idiot that Sarah Palin is by critiquing her dumb bitch adios speech

Her statement was incoherent, bizarre and juvenile. The text... uses 2,549 words and 18 exclamation points. Lincoln freed the slaves with 719 words and nary an exclamation; Mr. Jefferson declared our independence in 1,322 words and, again, no exclamation points.

HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

Jenny Sanford, wife of South Carolina's roaming Lothario and Governor, Mark Sanford, says she's still willing to forgive him because of God and Bishop Tutu and...well, because she's as out of her fucking mind as her husband is. Clearly, the man does not dig his wife anymore. In an interview with AP he called the chick he was banging in Argentina his "soul mate" and threw, not only his marriage but his career and possible a Presidential bid, away to be with her. That to me means that Jenny can forgive him all she wants but he's moved on to greener pastures, he wants spicy latino not white toast.

Now I'm all for forgiveness in a marriage if both people still want to be together and the cheater is repentant and the person who got fucked over is willing to forgive. I give couples great credit for trying to work out a nasty situation. In this case I think the dude just wants to bail and could give a fuck about his wife, obviously if he gave a rats ass about her he wouldn't have been so brazenly ridiculous. That chippy on the side must be something else. If Sanford does stick with his wife it will be only politics and the spotlight that will keep him around. I've read about Jenny talking a lot about their kids and the negative impact on them and that's sad, it sucks for the kids that their Dad did this in a totally fucked up and stupid way but she's using those kids in the press like a fucking anchor. Don't leave me! The kids will suffer and everyone will know you don't love yourr kids! It doesn't mean he doesn't love his kids, he just isn't willing to lead a dull ass bored shit life with his mayonnaise momma for his kids when he's got coco loco waiting in the wings.

The guy is obviously a stupid, selfish douche bag but even a douche bag deserves to be happy if they are lucky enough to find true, passionate love, aren't they? or maybe he should just do the right thing, honor his vows, stick with his wife, raise his kids blah blah blah...fuck that, I say dump mother Theresa and rock the latino, Pina Colada time.

Jenny Sanford just released her first statement since her husband, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, gave a long interview to the Associated Press in which he admitted to "crossing the line" several times and called his Argentine lover his "soul mate."

In it, she calls her husband's actions "inexcusable," saying he will be dealing with the consequences for a long time. But she is willing to forgive him.

'...Mark showed a lack of judgment in his recent actions as governor. However, his far more egregious offenses were committed against God, the institutions of marriage and family, our boys and me. Mark has stated that his intent and determination is to save our marriage, and to make amends to the people of South Carolina. I hope he can make good on those intentions, and for the sake of our boys I leave the door open to it. In that spirit of forgiveness, it is up to the people and elected officials of South Carolina to decide whether they will give Mark another chance as well.'