MEGAN FOX GIVES YOU THE KEY TO OPENING HER MAGIC BOX O' POON

Now I've already detailed just how stupid Megan Fox is with her idiotic tattoos but she's also known for endless monologues filled with sub-moronic bullshit. As hot as she is, she's thrice times stupid. In the latest Cosmo, the magazine for future and current chlamydia and crab sufferers, smarty pants riffs on how she never calls men, guys, "I never call them guys. I always called them boys. Maybe it's a superiority complex--my needing to keep them down." She also waxes geniously about the power of her vagina. Rhodes scholar Fox puts forth the proposition that because women own the access to their vaginas, that they hold dominion over men. Now some may agree with this but I don't.

The woman has the vagina, that's true, men love vagina's, that's also true but many woman will easily give up their vagina's, so a vagina only holds power over a guy if he's too stupid to look elsewhere for another one if the one he's already supposed to be getting ain't forthcoming. It's all supply and demand. If there was only one vagina then that woman would have all the power, but being that there are many, many, women and many, many vaginas, then unless a particular vagina drops silver dollars like a Vegas slot machine, it ain't got the power of shit. Sure, many powerful men have wrecked their careers and family's chasing the almighty poon but many, many, men have left perfectly good vagina's just to hop into another one. Brad Pitt, Hugh Grant, A-Rod, John F. Kennedy you name a guy he's probably at some point leaped from vagina to vagina like they were a game of hopscotch.

If that theory didn't already divulge her stupidity, before the moron could go full Gloria Steinem man hater on us, within the same article she gives any cocksman worth his salt the keys to enter the magical land of megan's wonderful quiff. "I'm very confident in how I project my personality. But in terms of how I look, I'm completely, hysterically insecure. I'm self-loathing, introverted and neurotic...I don't like being seen. I want to be invisible."
Maybe she's just lying to all the idiots who read cosmo that she just as insecure as they are so instead of being viewed as just another super beautiful actress bitch who's movies women won't go and see, she'll be thought of more as a "sister" a fellow, much put upon, female trying to make it in this sexist, shallow, world. She might be lying, But Hollywood is tough on hot, young things. There's always someone just as hot or they want you to lose a pound here and there, they start messing with a girls body image and then... blam! As hot as she is, she starts to feel insecure, and that my friends, that insecurity, is the key you turn, the lever you pull, it is the road you take to enter, vaj town.

Nothing opens the door more to a hot chick than pointing out her imperfections, especially if she's already let you know she's insecure. It might sound mean but it's the truth. The hotter the woman the more you have to find fault with them. Now there's always chance you'll find thehot chick with the heart of gold who will just just like you for you but let's be real, Every guy that's ever scored a girl above his pay grade knows that if you're nice and sweet and all that polite crap then you're toast, you're just one of the herd. You have to stand out and be the alpha male. What makes men stand out to hotties? That's an easy one; if you don't have a million dollars or play shortstop for the NY Yankees or look like one of the homo's from glitter or twinkle or whatever that gay vampire movie is, your best bet is to be an Asshole. You must be a challenge, offer up too much of yourself and you're just an annoying nutless dog sniffing around her fire hydrant of love. You must maintain a balance between being lively, dickish and somewhat critical while also displaying an almost complete lack of interest in your quarry.

It 's a harsh reality but some women will only love men who don't give a shit about them. The hotter the woman the more likely she'll be to give you the time of day if you make her think you've been there and done that. That she's nothing special. The opposite of love is not hate, the opposite of love is indifference. To not even think about someone is worse than hating them. You don't hate them, they matter not. Hate is a passion, women love being hated, it feeds their ego. The ex boyfriend that hates a woman for dumping him strokes the ego more than the ex boyfriend who doesn't give a shit. Women can get together and talk about who they hate who hates them over lunch and have a great time. If someone is hating them then they've made an impact, the other person is thinking about them. It's as good as love. Indifference leaves people befuddled. Why won't they pay attention to me? Hot, spoiled women are not used to being ignored. Indifference to their beauty rocks their cocooned world like a mortar shell landing on their pretty heads and any man bold enough to ignore them properly get's bumped up into the mate bracket. Really good looking women, hell, all women, hate to be ignored. I think Glenn Close proved it best in Fatal Attraction when being ignored drove her to boil a pet rabbit. The only bad thing about showing indifference to hot chicks is that standing across a room ignoring someone won't get you laid, so you must use the ignore whilst chatting them up. Sounds kind of complicated but it's not. The way to ignore someone while you're having a conversation with them is through Distraction. This is a good way to show indifference. You have to Alternate eye contact throughout a conversation with random long pauses to check your phone or across the room at the TV if a game is on. Use whatever could naturally pull your glance away. Don't do it nervously, do it like you just don't care about what she's saying . That should be easy enough, I've usually found the hard part is actually listening to women go on and on about their cats and jealous sisters. Don't apologize for your distraction either, just go about your business, if she asks what your checking just say, "oh, y'know...stuff." You Gotta pee? Just go. mid conversation, don't excuse yourself, fuck her, what is she your mother? Ya gotta go, you go. Come back, blow off her conversation and start a new one. Dick move? You betcha.

The only way into the heart of a hottie is through pure dickery. You also have to put down their appearance as much as you can get away with. Sounds cruel but they've got ego to spare, putting a dent in their exterior won't kill them. Now I don't mean you walk up to a woman and tell her she looks like shit, that won't get you anywhere. But the backhanded compliment that sets them on their ass a little works well. "I like that crazy, frizzy, thing you've got going on with your hair tonight." The rest of the night she'll obsess about her frizzy hair, until of course, the next "compliment". "You've got such a cute smile with those crooked front teeth." Now she's Putty in your hands.

One of the main rules is to never agree. The only thing you should agree on is where you're both going to bone when you leave with her. The more playful of an asshole you can be the better. You can't just be a raging douche though, you have to be a challenging, disagreeable, funny, raging douche. For example, let's say you meet a beautiful young woman in a bar. She says, "I like Green Day." Now most wuss men would naturally think they'd score points by agreeing with her. "Sure I love green day too!" The Wuss announces nutlessly. WRONG!!!

This is how a real man who will get laid replies, " What about them do you like best? The ripped off Ramones licks or the midget with the whiny voice? I thought you were smarter than that. You really let me down. You should apologize."

Now you've told her that you not only dislike her music, but you've also questioned her intelligence. I see fireworks.

Even if you like Green Day, you slag them, just to be a dick...for love.

Next: She tells you she owns three cats. The Wussman says, "How cute, I love cats. What kind?"WRONG! ya fucking Pussy.

A real man says, " Well that's nice, they'll keep you company when you get into your lonely, crazy, catwoman phase. Plus, you can eat their food too." Trust me, bed springs would be a boinging that very night. I used to employ these very tricks of the trade quite successfully, too well in fact, how do you think I met my wife? The very first thing she said to me I called bullshit on and the rest is history. She said something I made her feel stupid for saying saying it, she was in love. I shit you not. I still break out some of my skills on the hot mom's I know, I gotta keep the pimp hand fresh... just in case.

But back to Megan,

Megan Fox is so used to having every guy that sees her blow a load in his pants that any man willing to go super dick negative on her could have her on a plate. Tell her her tattoos make no sense. Tell her, If tattoos revealed a person's grade level, she'd be on the short bus to pre-k. Tell her she's pretentious. Ask her if she stole the Shakespeare quotation out of the cliffs notes. Ask if she knows that Shakespeare isn't just a company that makes fishing equipment. Rip the shit out of her acting skills. "Hey, I saw the movie you did with the robots, the robots were more believable." "How many lines do you to get to say in between robot battles?" " I heard you almost won the Oscar for most gratuitous camel toe in a PG 13 movie"

Find out what part of her body she's concerned with and work it. "I like your hair, I hear the Morticia look from the Munsters will be all the rage next year." I didn't realize your knees were so knobby, I guess they airbrush a lot of that stuff out in maxim" Ask her about her bisexuality

" I hear you like women as well as men, yeah, I can see you've got kind of a Ellen DeGeneres vibe going. Dance for me Ellen, I mean Megan"

Shit I'm funny. Goddamn it, I'd be fucking her in the bathroom within minutes. She'd be pregnant with my baby, she'd be tattooing my name on her side next to some other dumb quote about how awesome I am, I know it.

THE KIND OF NEWS I LOVE

This is Tiffany Shepherd, up until last april she was a high school science teacher in Florida. She got fired from her school district when bikini shots of her part time job, cavorting half naked on fishing boats called, Smokin’ Em Charters, were published. She would make 600 bucks a weekend working on bachelor party fishing trips but she maintains her top always stayed on. Sure it did.

After getting canned by her school district, she said she sent out 2,500 resume's but couldn't get a single teaching job. The school district claims it wasn't because she was working in a bikini, it is Florida after all, they said she missed over 30 days of work in one year. Considering you get two months off, plus 4 weeks of vacation days during the year, that's a lot of absences. If I were her boss I'd be pretty upset too if she didn't swing her giant titties past my office every day. Anyway, without any options left open to her, she turned to the only job in the whole world left remaining, something very close to teaching; porn. Now her name is (NSFW) Leah Lust , (Super Klassy name) and she's boning up on anatomy and biology. She's majoring in doggie style with a minor in catching loads.

she says the porno job is leaving a bad taste in her mouth,

"I'm not particularly proud of it. To be honest, I hate it," Shepherd told Page2live.com. "I'm an educated woman, but I never thought it would come to this. No one gets brought up thinking they'll be a floozy."

I'd like to say this chick got the short end of the stick but seeing that she displays not only the tramp stamp and the arm tattoo and the bikini region tat, but she also displays the icing on the cake for all true whores, the clitoral piercing. Also after her divorce she lost custody of two of her three kids, add all that up and you've got a person born to be in the jizz biz.

I WANT A BREATHALYZER

Toyota in Japan and Nissan in America are both working on in car breathalyzers that would lock up drunk drivers ignition if it measured a drivers breath to be over the legal limit. I would love to have one of these. My fear is not driving drunk because I simply don't do it, my fear is driving while .08 which is a fucking joke. As things stand now, you could go to bar have two beers and be arrested for being drunk because a machine which cannot be contested in court says I'm intoxicated. I'd like to see just how many beers and how long it takes me to blow .08 then I'd have a better idea of how fucked I am if I get pulled over. The whole joke about blood alcohol content being .08 is that it doesn't measure intoxication it measures the amount of alcohol in your blood. Intoxication varies from person to person, there is no proof that one person at .08 is exactly as intoxicated or as unable to drive as a another person with the same B.A.C. For example, someone less immune to alcohol's effects such as A native American might be more intoxicated than a Norwegian at the same limit, a limit by the way, which keeps changing over the years to suit the agenda of politicians and M.A.D.D. who also by the way want to enact zero tolerance alcohol laws which means you theoretically go to jail for drinking NyQuil. I don't want to go to jail over two beers or a teaspoon of vicks 44d and I don't want anyone else to either. I also don't want actual asshole drunks killing me or someone in my family so I hope one day these on board breathalyzers become as standard as seatbelts.

TOO SOON TO TALK ABOUT THE KID THEY HELPED KILL

Kelly Preston, cult member wife to head spaceman in chief, John Travolta, was scheduled to appear before the annual women's conference so other women can sit around and listen to her cry about the death of her kid, which sounds like an awesome time, but she won't be showing up because she is not finished grieving for the son that she and her idiot husband wouldn't treat with actual therapy and medicine because they belong to a volcano erupting with alien corpses "religion" that doesn't believe in autism. I believe they loved their son and I believe she's grieving but what she's probably doing more than anything is questioning her own retarded judgment. No doubt she and Mr. Saturday night fever are sitting around looking at their stacks of dianetics books wondering if their goofy adherence to Mork from Ork helped put their kid in a fucking grave. Oh wait, he's not in a grave, they had him cremated quicker than it takes my wife burn toast, this way there's no evidence of the Scientology, anti-autism, drowning ritual they probably used to kill the kid. *( no proof of this other than the cloak and dagger way they disposed of their kid as if he was evidence)

The actress said in a statement Friday that she is "still deeply in the process of healing, and it's just too soon."

Well I know this, it's never too soon to stop being a fucking moron, your kid might still be breathing.

TED CAN SWILL

Had a swell day yesterday and am paying for it today. I drank some of these Monty Python Holy Ale's and I enjoyed them much more this time than when I first tired it a year ago. I guess after you quickly throw back six beers anything tastes great. But if my mind was in the proper frame and my memory serves correct, it tasted friggin good. The wife and I took the kids into Manhattan for an afternoon in central park. The weather was beautiful so the kids got to chill out, run around, ride the carousel and get a horse and buggy ride through the park. My oldest guy even got to hold the reigns and steer, fucking scary if you don't mind me saying so.

After a few hours in the park it was time to pay a million dollars to get the car out of the garage (49.00 for 2 hours) and head down the ol' FDR drive to get some dinner and some drinks. The stress of driving through mid-town Manhattan with screaming kids and a somewhat agitated wife at 6:00 had put me in a drinking mood. When we got downtown we hooked up with some friends and with the first beer I knew I was gonna pound. Blue moon? Sounds good. Another? Sure. Another? Why not. One more? yes Dinner? Yes. Stella Artois? Yes. want another? yes. Holy Ale? yes, yes, yes and yes. Going back home? yes. Wanna another beer for the road? yes. put it in my pocket ( I obviously wasn't driving.) Sit in traffic half the night? of course. Stop twice on the way home to pee? Yes. Hungover today? yes. Good time? very

Thanks to my pals for the beers and the swell night.

JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL AND DRIVE ALL THE PRAYING DUMBASSES OFF A FUCKING CLIFF

No thanks, nobody drives my car but me. Anyone who says, "Jesus take the wheel" needs to just pull over, shut the fuck up and get a hold of their idiot selves. Some dummy I'm supposedly friends with on facebook wrote this dumb shit today and for some reason it totally pissed me off. Now this chick has created her own train wreck of a life and made some brutally dumb decisions now she's asking a spiritual being to take over. "I'm overwhelmed! Jesus, you do it." Stupid assholes. It's funny that all the country bumpkins and religious people are always looking for a hand from God but don't want the government to help anyone in actual need. Yeah, let God do it, he sure helped the slaves and the Jews in WWII and oh wait, it was invading armies that helped put an end to that shit. Jesus didn't invent medicare. This is not to say I've never prayed for anything, I have, usually it was when someone was sick or so my kids weren't born with diseases or when I want a purdy girl with big boobies to love me but I don't expect to fuck off like a spoiled child and make a bunch of poor life decisions and then expect the son of god to fly in on his jetpack and Dr. Phil me into a new life. Does praying help these people? Maybe it does, but it also wouldn't hurt if they'd just stop being such stupid assholes.

NO IDEA WHO ED WESTWICK IS BUT I'M PRETTY SURE HE NEEDS A KICK IN THE FACE

The joy I would feel hoofing his preening douche right in the mush is unfathomable. If i were somehow lucky enough to boot this prick I'm sure he'd look something like....

this

FARE THEE WELL TED

The lion of the Senate roars no more. Poor Ted. The guy could have been President but he screwed the pooch with the whole Mary Jo Kopechne drowning. I've always had mixed feelings about the guy, kind of a love hate relationship. I did name my band ted Can Swim after all. I respected his work but questioned his character. He was obviously a terribly flawed person, he was a mess of a drunk and he tried to cover up accidentally killing someone. It's not like he went out looking to kill someone, it was an accident after all, but he tried to weasel out of it which is Fairly unforgivable. That said, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and could have just spent his life making money and being a selfish, drunken prick. Even if you hate his politics, the guy did spend most of his life trying to help others less fortunate than himself and that is highly commendable. That doesn't wipe out the bad things he did but maybe there can be redemption, maybe the good he did balances out the bad, that's for someone else to decide. It's kind of a shame he couldn't have held on in a more healthy state for a few months, maybe this health care debate wouldn't have been such a cluster fuck. He would have grabbed the reins and pushed the fucker through. Maybe in his honor some of these pussy Dems will grow some nuts like Teddy had and fix what's wrong with this country's healthcare. Do it for Ted. Have a nice family reunion in heaven big boy but first say your sorry to the poor girl.

ROCKIN' THE COCK SANS TURTLENECK AND WAY HAPPY

Too much information? Did you not want to know that Ted's got a shiny helmet but no hood? I don't give a shit. That's right, like all self respecting cocksmen I don't go into battle with extra crap flappin', I go in like a ninja, a spartan; naked, gleaming, a veritable phalanx O' coital destruction. Myself and Matisyahu have more in common than just being able to drop crazy phat rhymes, diggin' the Reggae beats and not always feeling obliged to tip 20%, we both took our wiener grooming tips from Abraham. God told him to cut the extra wang meat off the lance and he did... and so did I.

It's hard enough going around in this cruel world with a penis. You've got one and it never let's you forget it's there. "Pay attention to me" it screams like a baby in Eraserhead , It's a living hell. You want every woman to jump on it all day and all night and they want to watch American Idol. Somehow, you've got to the make the little man attractive. Girls don't know what the hell is going on with the dick to begin with, they lick it, pull on it, punch it, use it as a door jam, they have no clue. I guarantee if you used a diamond bedazzler on it or smothered it in chocolate they'd learn real fast. Failing that though, the only way to make them even think about treating it right, is to make sure it looks as beautiful as possible...Yul Brenner beautiful. Cut the little man just right and there's a chance they don't go and puke all over it because it looks like an angry mudskipper.

All I'm saying is this, the CDC might be calling for all American male babies to be circumcised to eliminate the possibility of infection and AID's later in life but if you do it for no other reason, do it because I've heard girls in bars talking about their uncircumcised boyfriends and they all sounded as if they'd rather blow a fucking donkey than the man they love all because he's got a horrible flippy, flappy, skin dick.

Both my boys will eventually thank me for letting the doctors take the scalpel to their wangs just like I thanked my parents.

That was an interesting conversation...for a later date.

Officials Weigh Circumcision to Fight H.I.V. Risk

12 inches and cut... -6

CAUGHT!

Was out with the boys doing some quick shopping for a few things when I saw two high school aged chicks wearing the obligatory short shorts cut up all the way to their illegals. I didn't really take much notice because they are underage and I don't truck with that kind of thing but as i was passing them the hotter of the two started yanking at her crotch and told her friend, "I've got such a mighty friggin' wedgie" Well, I am just a man after all, and she was pretty smoking, so as they passed me, my own natural curiosity got the best of me and I was compelled to find out just how mighty a friggin' wedgie it was. I turned around as if the freezer of chicken nuggets had really caught my attention and then glanced at the jailbait to just make sure she was ok. With that, an older couple pushing a shopping cart came walking right behind the two girls. The man looked at me like he was gonna punch my face off my head. Of course it was the girl's dad. Now at first I felt a slight twinge of remorse and maybe even a little fear but then my natural fuck you tendency kicked in to high gear and I thought, "this motherfucker let's his daughters walk around wearing tiny whore shorts riding up their asses and he's surprised when someone looks? fuck him." I smiled at him turned around and checked out his daughter's ass again. Maybe now he'll find her a pair of shorts that fit. I'm so glad I don't have daughters.

OY VEY, NOW IT'S GERARD BUTLER DIPPING HIS QUILL IN HER POISON INKWELL

Source: Jen Aniston & Gerard Butler Seen Hand in Hand


And I just started liking this guy again. I thought he was good in 300 but then he did that Hillary Swank, horsey tooth, ass to mouth, rim job of a chick flick, PS I love you...harullph..that's me vomiting. That movie almost made me hate The song, Fairy tale of new York by the Pogues it was so fucking awful. (Note to directors, if your movie sucks using great songs won't make the movie any better it will just make people hate the movie more for corrupting a good song.)

Like I said, I was fed up with Gerard Butler after that faux Irishman schmaltzy dead guy writing romantic letters to Mr. Ed dreck. Then I saw Madonnas ex husband, Guy Ritchie's last London gagsta movie, Rock n Rolla and he was very good in it so I said, " Even though he almost made me hate Ireland with that horse shit Hillary Swank abortion of a film, this Gerry Butler guy is ok in my book." Then he goes and does this. Joining the Jenifer Aniston lonely hearts, boyfriend of the week club. Unforgivable.

Ahh who am I kidding, they're doing a movie together. I can't blame him for staying a night or two in the much visited, revolving door hotel she calls her vagina. There always seems to be a vacancy. I 'd stay there a night or two myself. (Even if it does smell all musty) If I had to work with her everyday I'd eventually end up checking in, eating the mints off her pillows and ransacking her mini bar too. I'd get the turn down service, the wake up call, use the complementary shower cap and order dirty movies..wait, am I talking about a real hotel or the lullaby of Broadway she's got between her legs? I'm confused. And if I'm confused just think what it's like for her trying to keep her current movie star plow boy's name straight while fucking. She's spent the last ten years calling out the entire Hollywood Rolodex now she can't separate a Vince from a Brad and can't tell a Jon from Gerry. I feel sorry for her and her much tread upon, worn out, lobby.

I'VE GOT TACT

My children were invited to a pool get together on Friday by a couple of Mom's. I escorted them. While I was sitting there whipping up margaritas and talking sex with the ladies, one of the mom's who is, let's just say, a wee bit on the extra large side..like very extra large, said that she and her husband met in high school and were each other's firsts and as far as she knew he's never been with anyone else. Now most people would say, "Oh how nice." and move on. Not me, no. I said, "Yeah, as far as you know." Then she said, "Hey !" Then I kept going, "Oh no,I'm sure he's true blue, I mean, just one woman his whole life? lucky him. Hey it doesn't matter anyway, bang one chick, you bang them all, all cats are grey in the dark. I'm sure he's very happy." She didn't seem to happy after this.

PICTURES I LIKE

Sure the Yankees had their share of roid heads but none of them had the impact that the fat lying motherfucker David Ortiz and his lazy dreadlocked buddy Manny Ramirez Had.
It's always much funnier when Red Sox players get caught being scumbags.

Spiderman should have listened to his spidey sense when he met Bernie Madhoff

If there's anything funnier than an abortion joke, I've never heard it.

A two hundred pound girl at the world track and field championships.

The funniest thing about this picture isn't that she looks like an angry Samoan chasing the person who stole her spare rib, not at all, The funniest thing about this picture is that she didn't come in last, she actually beat two people




...the female comedian from The Facts of Life and... ...Liz Taylor

A woman who thinks she's the reincarnation of Egyptian queen Nefertiti.

In order to make herself look even more like Nefertiti she's had many, many, facial surgeries.

Now I don't know everything about ancient Egyptian history but I do know Nefertiti never looked like this kid.

Bacon Hitler: and you didn't think Hitler could be any more awesome did ya?

UMMM, MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP BEING A CLINGY, ANNOYING, BITCH

Enough already, when do I get a chance to dump Jennifer Aniston? Does it ever end this constant whining about how everyone fucks her over? Brad Pitt? Vince Vaughan? Jon Mayer? At some point she has to look in the mirror and say, "OK, I'm pretty hot, so what is it about me that men run from? Could I just suck at being a person?" What could it be that drives men away? Maybe she's about as interesting as a bowl of white rice or maybe she's a clingy, needy, whiner or maybe you could sail an aircraft carrier up her vagina. Anything's possible, but likely it's a big bundle of terribly annoying traits that make Hollywood men run for cover when she comes a knocking.


According to US magazine, which I trust implicitly, Jennifer Aniston Feels "Screwed Over" by Bradley Cooper for choosing Renee Zelweger over her and asks the question, "What does Renee Zelweger have that I don't?" Well, that's actually a pretty good question, because given the choice to bed down with one of them I'd definitely choose Jennifer Aniston, but let's compare them. Aniston wins with the larger, more beautiful breasts, she also wins the least likely to look like an Asian competition. Jennifer also wins the, whose had the least facial work done competition. She probably had her nose done but Renee looks like a botoxed, lip enhanced pre-op tranny. Renee has an annoying voice, Jennifer doesn't. Renee was in The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, while Jennifer was in Leprechaun, I call that a wash. Jennifer was in, Office Space While Renee was in Me, Myself and Irene, I gotta go with Jennifer on this one. Renee sang and danced in Chicago but Jennifer played band bitch and had a no skin- three way with Mark Wahlberg and some chick in Rockstar. Hmm, that's a toughie...I go with Rockstar. Jennifer was on Friends and kept dating an annoying whining guy. Renee was in Jerry Maguire and married an annoying scientologist guy, I would call this a wash But Renee wins for personal, best name for a movie ever reasons. So let's see, Jennifer is hotter, has probably been in better movies, has a less annoying voice, bigger tits, isn't all scrunch faced, didn't make out with Tom Cruise or have an annoying midget for a kid in a movie and doesn't do movies about fat British nurses, so I have come up with the only reasonable conclusion that makes sense. Jennifer Aniston has a very smelly vagina. Whaaa, Bradley left me cause my piff reeks. Whaaaa. Such a lonely lady.

WHERE DOES SHE KEEP HER METRO CARD?

Some dude is making a living taking pictures of nude chicks on subways. Why the hell didn't I think of this? Oh yeah, I forgot i don't like being arrested. This picture reminds me why I always carry a big jug of purel when I take my kids on the subway. One of my kids actually licked one of those poles. Yikes, gives me gross out chills just thinking of it. But now that I think about it, I'd probably lick that particular pole. Mmmmm disease-y.

AND ONE AND TWO AND TURN AND RAPE AND THREE AND FOUR NOW KICK AND RAPE

A choreographer for the show, So you Think You Can Dance is in trouble for raping all of Los Angeles He's been raping aspiring dancers for a long time. It's a fool proof technique, He teaches them to dance and then he rapes them. With a scheme this complex it's a wonder he ever got caught. Damn that Lamabada, that's why it's called, "The Forbidden Dance!" On top of his regular, old school type rapes, he's a thinking out of the box type of rapist he uses foreign objects as well, kind of like how someone doing the Tango uses a long stem rose. Magician David Copperfield is also being accused of sexually assaulting someone. These two should combine their acts and take their forceable sex show on the road. A little magic, some dancing, some raping, I'd see that show.

Cops say Alex Da Silva was arrested this morning at his North Hollywood home, after the District Attorney filed an arrest warrant charging him with eight felony counts of assault.

That includes four counts of forcible rape, two counts of assault with intent to commit rape and two counts of sexual penetration by a foreign object.

The D.A. says the alleged assaults occurred between August 2002 and March 2009. The four alleged victims were between the ages of 20 and 26 and were all dancers or aspiring dancers who say they met Alex through his dance instruction classes.

Alex was arrested for pretty much the same thing back in April, but prosecutors declined to press charges -- saying further investigation was needed to move forward.

THE DOWNSIDE OF HOT WEATHER

It's been hot, finally it's not raining everyday and the ladies are stepping out in their finest summer apparel. It's a good time to be a guy who enjoys the ladies. Most dress appropriately some give us a bonus with a little inappropriate wear but to my horror, lately I'm seeing just flat out vile displays of shamelessness and a general sense of body image blindness. Do these girls not understand that they are fatsos? I seriously have to wonder, where some of these girls get off wearing the shit they wear? I know some guys will pretty much fuck anything and will go for the easiest, sloppiest, lowest hanging fruit there is, but many of us have standards, most of us don't want to see you bare your midriff if your gut looks like 40 pounds of peanut butter oozing out of over crammed panty hose.

This seems to be most prevalent in the younger gals. Go to any mall and you'll notice lots of overweight young ladies. Either they're pushing a stroller with a mulatto baby in it or they're in the food court parading their fat asses in whore wear bought from the big and tall shop. It's like 90210 if it took place on a fat farm with an ice cream shop filled with Brendas wearing clothes that are much too small for their gooey, heifer-like frames. The overweight slut look is not only their domain though, plenty of old skanks are doing their best mall walking manatee impressions too. These horror shows are usually found walking around in an overmedicated haze or smoking outside the mall entrance, the cigarette dangling from the gap in their mouth where the tooth their last boyfriend knocked out used to be.

The thing is, I like ladies with a bit of meat on them, I don't care if it's 10, 20, 25 lbs overweight, who the hell am I? I'm no Adonis, I like thick chicks, big asses, big racks, but thick chicks have to dress in shit that fits them or they look like trussed up sausages. Not attractive. Somewhere along the way all of this Oprah and Tyra talk about loving yourself no matter what you look like has gone wayyy too fucking far. Here's a rule of thumb, If your shit hangs over the waist of your pants, then cover that shit up pronto!!! You look like a stupid tub of skanky, dirty, twinkie eating shit. The next girl I see with the hanging chub meat with the three sizes too small shorts and top I will give the international sign of vomiting by making the motion of sticking my finger down my throat right in their hog face. Extra large is your friend, wear it.

Note to the young chubbs out there, anorexia and bulimia are your friends. You don't have to Karen Carpenter yourself, but a little starvation, maybe some guilty binge eating cutting and a good purge twice a day can't hurt. I'd much rather do a chick with vomit in her hair than Kirstie Alley squozen into Mary Kate Olsen's shorts.

HOLY NUTS N' BALLS! I SHOULD HAVE BEEN A TENNIS PLAYER

Hi, I'm a jerky, little, boring, tennis player, who can whack a little green ball really hard , you're a crazy hot, giant racked model sculpted by the hand of God himself with a vagina that shoots gold dust and emits starlight. Let's get all Fucky with each other. Gee that's swell. What the hell???? God damn that Andy Roddick, Damn him to a male prison in Rapesylvania for eternity. How dare that white shorts wearing sissy get something this insane.

Brooklyn Decker, Man she am fine. I can't wait for the day when someone invents a tactile computer screen so when I poke my finger at her panty region,I feel something other than what I'm getting now which is a severely bruised fingertip. I poke and I poke and I poke, but all I hear is my finger plunking off the hard glass of my monitor. I need a magic finger that can enter my computer and fingerbang all the 22 year old, model, tennis players wives. Actually, I don't think that would be satisfying for me or my finger after a while. Sure all the girls getting the magical finger treatment would dig it but Sooner or later I'd want to take it to the next level and get magic a weiner. It would be awesome to make my poonhammer magical...wait, of course it already is, what I mean is, internet coitus capable type of magic, that would rock, but I'd look pretty stupid trying to fuck my computer screen. That's not sexy. I think all the romance of interdimensional computer finger banging would be gone. Damn her little non pokeable panties! Damn my non-magical finger! Damn me to hell. Oh wait, I'm already there..and Brooklyn Decker put me there! My only hope is that her ability to annoy and her stupidly outdoes her beauty. Still, I don't think that would dissuade me, even if she had the brains and the voice of Spongebob and Sarah Palin's lovechild.

MY 8 YEAR OLD F'N REEKS

I took my kids indoor rock climbing. My 8 year old is awesome at it but for a little kid he gets the worst B.O. I had to throw the kid into the tub and give him the soap I use to wash up with. I was sweating my ass off too but I didn't come anywhere close to smelling like my kid. He was in 1st grade this past year and toward the end we had to make sure he wore deodorant everyday and showered or took a bath at least 4 times a week. Crazy. I enjoyed the rock climbing, a little hard on the ol' fingertips and my left shoulder felt like I was heaving footballs for 3 hours but it was a lot of fun, especially when the chick put me in my harness and zipped it tight around my manly crotch region. "Is that too tight?" She asked. "Tighter" I said closing my eyes with pervy delight. 'Much, much tighter!" I did injure myself a few time smacking my hands on the fake rocks and finger grips. If your 200 pounds like me the whole idea of holding onto a wall with your fingertips gets a bit difficult I was humpin' that wall for dear life. I didn't trust that the repel lines that I was attached to wouldn't dump me twenty feet on my assheadnuts. Still, I made it home alive with a fucking clothes pin on my nose because of my pit smelling kid.

TED FINALLY UNBURDENS THE TORMENT OF HIS BROKEN HEART

Last week when I went to my Aunts wake I ran into a woman whom my mother used to work with and whose daughter I went to kindergarten with. It was this daughter who I first fell in love with.

Besides Paula and Carol from the Magic Garden and Genie from I dream of genie, my first true love was for a girl in my Kindergarten class. I will call her Girl X. She was cute with freckles on her nose and chestnut brown hair with the bangs cut straight across her brow. We would sometimes hold hands when the class would walk from one end of the school to the other or on field trips. During rest time I always chose a spot on the mat next to her to lie down. She was funny and a little shy but her eyes sparkled when she laughed. To me she was perfect and I loved her.

One day our teacher sent us together down to the cafeteria with our red wagon to pick up the milk for our class for snack time. I was so excited to be going with Girl X, all the way to the cafeteria...alone! We were like teenagers, boyfriend and girlfriend, going on a stroll through the halls without any grown up's. We were responsible, we were trustworthy. Together we made a special team. When we reached the cafeteria we told the man who worked there which class we were with and he showed us where our milk was. We helped each other count out and load the small cartons of milk into the wagon. It was lovely, teamwork, working side by side... a true couple. I was ecstatic. On the way back to our classroom I summoned the courage to finally tell her how I felt. There wouldn't be much time, we would soon reach our classroom and our time alone together would be over, it was now or never! "I love you." I blurted out. Silence. She stopped walking. I stopped pulling the wagon. She just looked at me. "I love you" I said again expecting some sort of answer I then asked the question anyone older than a 5 year old would already have known the answer to.
"Do you love me?"
"No." was her only reply. She turned away and started walking.

I stood there in the middle of the hall too crushed to move, too dumbfounded to speak. My legs felt weak. The cold, black, wagon handle was the only thing keeping me upright.
"well, are you coming or not?" She said impatiently.
I gave a mighty tug on the wagon and it began to roll but I walked as if in a pool of glue, each step a struggle, I no longer cared about the milk or snack time or anything. I was devastated. We reached our class and I joylessly distributed the milk next to girl x. That day at rest time I lay on my own mat alone. I layed on my stomach, buried my head into my arms and quietly cried. Life would never be same.

Flash forward to my Aunt's wake. "Oh hello Mrs. X I said. How is girl X?"
"Oh she's fine. She got divorced and has a kid and blah, blah, blah.
"Oh, she got divorced? That's too bad." It was upon hearing this news with my dead Aunt lying only feet away, that this would be the perfect time to unburden myself of 37 years of anguish and tell Girl X's mother my kindergarten tale of woe.

After I finished telling her mother all about how her daughter had taken a young boys soul and eviscerated it, she said," Well I'm sure she'd love to go back in time and marry you instead of that fucking asshole she ended up with."

"YES! I said rather loudly while pumping my fist, "I am vindicated!" Then I quickly lowered my voice back down to proper mourning levels.

"Well, Tell her I said Hi," I said. It's never too late ya know."

Then I turned around and said to myself. "yeah right, she should be so fucking lucky, like I'm gonna bed down with some divorced damaged bitch and raise some other guys fucking kid. Fuck that. Fuck rest time, Fuck snack time, Fuck red wagons. Fuck milk. She had her chance. She fucked up. Fuck her.

I am now over it.

500 DAYS OF SUMMER FOR LONE WOLF TED

The wife was kind enough to take herself and my children away for the weekend so I could get some house crap done. Paint the fence...both sides,(I actually thought about leaving the side facing my neighbors unpainted) pull out the white trash trees that were growing in my gutters and...umm... look at porn. So after sweating buckets standing in the sun painting my fence a very reflective white all day long, I showered, (scrubbed and scrubbed all the paint of my balls, how it got there is anyone's guess) put on my best pair of couture shorts, slipped into the flip flops, found a nice shirt that made my eyes pop and went to a bar for to get some chicken wings and beer. I watched Tiger woods fuck up PGA championship and had a few beers, now usually I'd just stick to the solitary boozing but the bars in my town close at 9:00 on Sunday and as I sat there looking out the window at the beautiful, hazy sunset, I longed to take a walk in the warm summer air. I strolled the streets in my town with a slight buzz looking at the old Victorians, watching the swallows swoop around the spires of the churches and respectfully admired the chicks walking their dogs. It was all very pleasant. Then I had to decide what to do next. I had a choice, more beer and a DUI or something else, So what's a man all by himself to do on a Sunday in Connecticut? The options are extremely limited so if you said, "go to the movies," you'd be right.

What to see? I hadn't seen the Bruno movie but it's no longer playing so I scratched that one off. It was down to three movies, Funny people, the Hurt locker and 500 days of Summer. I'm sick of Apatow's stuff so I 86'd Funny people. Now being a romantic sort and thinking I'd see more sluts in short shorts at this movie versus the Hurt Locker, a film about bomb squads in Iraq, I figured I'd see the love story. I have to say the movie was very fucking good and I highly recommend it. Aside from a very good soundtrack and some very creative storytelling devices, the acting by Joseph Gordon Levitt, the kid from 3rd rock from the sun, is outstanding. (He also sings a mean Karaoke, 'Here Comes Your Man' by the Pixies ) It's funny, it's romantic, it's sad, it got me mad. I checked off all the emotions on my, How am I feeling card. The movie takes you through their 500 days. From the initial, enthralled, happy high's to the fucked, twinky and jack Daniels lows, all of it out of sequence. Showing you one moment of bliss countered by a scene of disintegration.

The movie revolves around Tom, a writer for a greeting card company that falls head over heels for the girl he believes is his soulmate, Summer. They meet in the elevator at work, He's listening to the Smiths, she likes the Smiths, to him, it's destiny. Zooey Deschanelanel does a wonderful job as Summer. Summer is fun and beautiful and sexy and warm but unknowable and to Tom's chagrin, tantalizingly elusive. She doesn't believe in romantic love and cannot even bring herself to call Tom her Boyfriend but she does likes him. She kisses him and sleeps with him and spends all her time with him. She eventually even allows him into her world which only makes her distance confuse Tom more but he will accept her rules of non-official relationship status if it keeps him near her. Eventually he wants more than she can give him, she pulls away, comes back and pulls away again. She fucks with the poor guy's head a lot. Her compliments and praise and platitudes at the end just make you want to kick her fucking teeth in. Anyone who's ever been fucked over will see themselves in this film. Levitt really does an awesome job portraying the shittiest feeling there must be, to love someone and not be loved back. That Fucking bitch. Go see it, it's a really good flick.


awesome clip: Joy after their first night of boning

TED'S DEATH TOLL CONTINUES TO RISE

Chalk another one off the list. This time it was my mom's sister, my Godmother, that bought the farm and settled in for the big sleep. Fare thee well. She was a nice lady from the proper side of my family, the lace curtain, tea sipping, quiet, brainy, non-boozing, intellectual Irish...in other words, the boring ones. Although she was a little too reserved and goody, goody, uber catholic, my Aunt was always good to me, taking me to the Circus and giving me birthday and christmas presents and Christmas ornaments that I still hang on my tree. I would get a birthday and Christmas card every year well into my thirties, that was until she started forgetting everything and everyone she ever knew. It's a shitty way to go not recognizing your own kids. She was at my mom's funeral a few years back and didn't know who had died or why she was there.

I spent many a Christmas as a child bored shitless at her house. I spent many a Christmas bored shitless by her gifts, I spent many a Christmas bored shitless by her kids, my cousins. Now they have kids that are pretty fucking boring too. I never see these people. I'm related to them but we are only joined by a common need to avoid uncomfortable silences and therefor each other. While some of them have improved over the years, a few are still just...umm, kind of boring. One of my cousin's kids came up to me after meeting my other five siblings and said,
"Which one are you?"
"The bad one." Was my only reply.

(Her mother once attempted to pour a drink over my head at a funeral because of an inappropriate joke that I told about Daryl Strawberry beating his wife

"That actually helps." She said. "You must be Ted."
" Yup, I knew my reputation would proceed me."

She was pretty boring.

Actually, a couple of my cousins and their kids were very nice. My cousin that got a full ride to Dartmouth is very charming and friendly, as is her little brother, but the winner of the day was definitely my cousin who made a crucifix out of balloons, ya know, the kind you make balloon animals out of, and hung it on the wall at the funeral parlor, it even had a balloon Jesus nailed to it and everything. I gotta say, that's pretty fucking funny. I walked into the funeral parlor, the same place we laid my father out at almost thirty years ago, and that was the 1st thing I saw. It gave me a good chuckle. So I got to see some relatives and old friends and neighbors and had a few drinks at an old neighborhood haunt of mine. Not a terrible time considering it was a for a wake. But I got the old feeling that now it's just a matter of who buys it next. Better not be me.

WHY CAN'T I STOP LAUGHING AT THIS?

A NATION OF LOADS

Oy vey, I went to my town pool yesterday for some school party thing and let me tell you something, I saw more jagunda pairs of tits then I've seen in a long time, problem was, they were all on boys younger than 13. There were fat kids everywhere. Fat kids with their saggy boy tits flopping all over the place while they stuffed their fat faces with bags of shit. Most of these fat little fucks won't make it to the age of 25 before their gummie bear clogged hearts explode. I was standing with my feet in about a foot of water when a cute little latino kid started playing next to me. He was only about two years old so his older brother came to watch him. For some reason the older brother, who was around 12 years old, brushed his giant bitch tits against my arm. The skeeved out douche chills from having a pre-pubescent boy's, honduran, dinner plate, nipple rubbed on you can not be fully explained. I felt like someone shot an ice cold pineapple up my ass. It only got worse from there. For the rest of the day, the pool was packed with fat kids swinging their utters near me while I tried to play and swim with my kids. Every time I went underwater their would be the gaping bellybuttons and sagging pecs of future wal-mart fat cart riders. I threw up a little at the bottom of the pool.

The good news was that while I saw many disturbing obese children, there were a few hot mom's showing off their stuff. I have to say I got caught a few times staring like a serial killer at the slutty tattooed mommies. But seriously, it was either get caught staring at a hot mom's cans or think about that fat kid's tits rubbing against my arm. So while I hate these kinds of tits



I still love these kinds

DUMB ACTRESS TAKES NUDIE SHOTS OF HERSELF: LAWYERS THREATEN TO SUE ANYONE WHO POSTS PICTURES OF SAID DUMB ACTRESS

Ashley Greene the chick from the gay vampire movie twilight likes to take pictures of her waxed snapper and her perky little breasts. She does this because she's very intelligent and knows that these kind of pictures never get out onto the internet and are never seen by the entire world. Her lawyer is all,"I'm gonna sue you if you post these!!!" OK fine, but how about telling your client if she so enjoys showing how nice her baby-like chalupa looks after a hot wax down, she should draw it in charcoal or water colors and hang it in a museum for all to enjoy, otherwise she might want to keep her vaj away from cameras.




I'd put a stake in this...BOOM!

BREAKING NEWS: I LIKE SHORT SHORTS

I know I'm a broken record on this topic but sometimes my passions cannot be subdued if I feel strongly about something important I have to let it be known and lately I've been noticing quite a lot of the short shorts being worn by the young ladies about town. All I can say is, "Bravo!" Ya gotta love young, shameless, chicks. Keep up the good work. You look like ridiculous street whores but don't let that stop you. When I'm on line at the deli waiting for my cheese, seeing you in your little shorts makes the time go faster. Nothing wrong with showing a little mons in the meat section. Next time I go I'm bringing a razor and some shaving cream and a barbers chair and I'm gonna offer free shave jobs to the short, shorts wearing ladies while they wait for the salami. I'll zip it up quick, give it a smack with the buffers rag and send them on their way. Vive le vulva!

THE FACE OF UNPARALLELED STUPIDITY

This woman is not only dumber than a bag of hammers she's fucking bat-shit crazy and a seriously dangerous person. The right wing, bible thumping, grade school dropout, creationist, gun nuts love this stupid bitch and then she goes out and tells her legion of Texas chain saw massacre hillbilly fans that,

"The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama's "death panel" so his bureaucrats can decide...whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil."
The Sarah Palin's and Glenn Beck's of the world will not be happy until they get their uneducated cadre of racist hicks and paranoid gun nuts to attack the President. One of these lunatics is gonna go on a shooting spree pretty soon over all the health care fear mongering. I won't be surprised at all if someone shoots up a town hall meeting and when it happens the blame should be pinned right on Sarah Palin's empty fucking head.

I OWN THE NIGHT

I went out last night with the wife for my sisters B-day and had a swell time. I rocked the party as I am wont to do. My only beef with the evening is this, as we all get older and our circle of friends get older all the young ladies I used to see hanging around with my sisters have all suddenly morphed into a bunch of aging cougars. Anyway, tonight as we stood around having drinks, laughing and enjoying the summer evening, a thunderbolt hit me. Suddenly it appeared to me that because of the advanced age of some of the ladies around us, I could do no wrong. I was kicking new juice into their wrinkled up ovaries. Now am I funny? Shit yes I am. Charming? You betcha. Filled to the brim with charisma and intelligence? Yes and yes. Handsome? Of course I am. Humble? Fuck yes.

What appeared to be happening though had less to do with my many gifts and general male dominance but the fact these ladies are just sick and tired of boring assholes that treat them like shit. I was a shot of life for the old broads. I was being very suave and debonair and l kept my burping and farting to a minimum. If any of them could still conceive they would have loved for me to let loose the baby seed and plant a child within them, but that boat has sailed. I owned their asses so completley and their love for me was so great I did the only thing I could do. I decided to put them to work for me as whores. I've pimped them all out. They're working the high schools now taking care of all the nerds and geeks who spend too much time with their x box's and not enough time trying to get into real boxes. I told them to go out, have a good time and de-virginize the freaks and geeks. And so they have. I like the older gals, they're fun, funny, and their years have made them very smart but they better not get sloppy, them old bitches better have my money

IT'S OFFICIAL : I DON'T DRINK ENOUGH BUT... I MIGHT HAVE SOME OTHER ISSUES

The following story is barely true

A friend of mine sent me an e-mail from Yale that said, "Do you like beer?" Then it went on to talk about how Yale was conducting a study on men from 20 to 45 who drink beer. It also said you could earn 500 bucks for a few hours work . 500 bucks? Beer? Work? Beer work? I was like, "Fuck yeah, sign me up." I called the number and some hot sounding chick started asking me every goddamn question about my drinking and drugging habits that you can imagine. After about 20 minutes of me being very honest with a total stranger about my boozing and even my sex life and porn viewing, she said, "OK, I have your information, we're going to run your answers through our drunk-o-meter 9000 and we'll call you back to see if your right for the study." A few minutes later she calls back and says I'm not right.
I say, "Why the fuck not?"
"Well I can't really get into that." She said.
"Well, if I'm being rejected from a beer study, I'd like to know why. Beer means a lot to me and I want to know how I can make the relationship stronger. Do I drink too much, what the hell is it?"
"No it's actually the opposite. We're looking for people with more of a habit."
"Hmm," I said, all bummed. I need to drink more don't I?"
"Well that's up to you but you could possibly be used in other studies." She said
"Oh yeah, what kind of studies?"
In your answers you stated your porn viewing took up 10 to 20 hours a day.
"Right" I said confidently knowing that that is within totally normal limits.
"ummm...that might be worth looking into." she said hesitantly with her warm comforting voice.
"Looked into?" I queried
"you did tell me that you are either thinking about having sex with women or that you are peeling one off, almost ever waking minute of your day. You say you masturbate 15 to 20 times everyday.
"Right, I jerk off a whole bunch. What's the problem?" I said


she didn't know what to say.

Finally she spoke with her kittenish airy voice,

"Umm, Mr. Velvet," she softly purred, "you don't see a problem with your behavior... with all of that umm." she spoke as if whispering in my ear, "self stimulation?"

she waited for my answer

"Mr. velvet, are you still there?" she asked plaintively

"Oh, I'm sorry" I said," I'm busy masturbating to your voice."

she hung up.

I guess no study for me.

FIRST RULE OF HAVING WOMEN FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE: DON'T SHOOT AT THEM : RULE #2: LOSE THE MUSTACHE DICK

This is the loser who shot up a gym outside of Pittsburgh and killed three women in an aerobics class because as he put it, "Women just don't like me. There are 30 million desirable women in the US... and I cannot find one. Not one of them finds me attractive,"

Waaaaaa. Fucking idiot.

"...He couldn't understand why women ignored him, despite his best efforts to look nice. He hadn't had a girlfriend since 1984, hadn't slept with a woman in 19 years..."

Damn, that is a long time to go without pussy but shit, there are alternatives. This dumb ass never thought bang a prostitute? Never saw the horny skells advertising on craigslist? Never thought to ask a lonely overweight night clerk at Wal-Mart out? Just ask any random waitress to blow you, they'll do it. This guy was probably one of those men that thinks they should be dating super models. They're always looking for someone way out of their league so they never find anyone because they won't "settle" on someone as average as themselves. Your standards were way too high dick. Next time try looking in the not so good looking and totally insane bin.

I have a pretty radical idea for the people who go on shooting sprees. They always end up blowing their own heads off after their murder rampage anyway so next time a whacked out gun freak wants to slaughter a boatload of innocents, he should just cut to the coup de gras and shoot himself first, right off the bat. No more of this drama, people fleeing, women screaming crap. One big statement. Go big. Yell something cool like, "20 years without pussy makes a man insane, why didn't you bitches love me!!! or "I am the god of hell fire!!" and blam! Everyone can move on with their lives . Next time a lonely piece of shit wants to go on a murder spree at the local Y he should just Go to the gym, look at all the lovely ladies sweating and panting, yell his cool, end of life, soliloquy and then blow his head off. Then they might feel sorry for the guy and look at his bloody, lifeless corpse, find it attractive and maybe they'll get aroused. Maybe in death he'd receive the hot, horny, love action that they missed during lifetime. Well it's possible.

OBAMA'S REAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE FINALLY FOUND

In other right wing moron news, a teabagging douche in Hartford last night outside a town hall meeting said that Chris Dodd should cure his cancer with a handful of painkillers and a bottle of scotch. Humor is not the strong suit of these people, you have to be smart to be funny. Check that, I meant purposely funny.

JON AND KATE PLUS I WOULD KILL MYSELF

I finally watched an episode of this show now famous for the parents splitting up and I have to say if I had 8 kids 6 of them the same age I would be a fucking mess so I give both Jon and Kate a lot of credit for the job they're doing raising the kids. I know I only saw one episode but I have to say the kids are very well behaved and both Jon and Kate seem to be very good parents but I totally understand why they split. Too much time and effort to raise the kids and not enough time for themselves and each other. To raise that many kids one of the two parents have better be a total, ball busting, control freak and that is Kate. In the one episode I saw she was really annoying and Jon just seemed to want to stay out of her way but she kept busting his balls. I'd fucking murder her if she was my wife, add to that, the kids, the cameras, the lack of sex you get once the 8 kids come and I would be a seriously unhappy, angry, man. I'd be flinging kids through windows and kicking them down staircases. I have too short a fuse for six 5 year old's at once. With that many kids around when the hell would I find the downtime time to whack my meat? I don't drink coffee so without my morning tug I'm a total mess. It's no surprise he got caught running around with young chicks trying to have some fun. he seems like a nice, chilled out guy all he wanted was to Escape. Every parent gets that feeling once in a while. The difference is he had people with cameras following him around. I'd make a new law, anyone with more than four kids get's a week a year to do whatever the fuck they want. Let them blow off steam do drugs fuck prostitutes whatever. They'd both be happier. I feel for the guy. I feel for both of them, all they wanted was to have another kid and they end up with a fucking Chinese acrobat squad. I hope it all works out for them and the kids.

GOP+TEABAGGERS+ BIRTHERS= VERY DANGEROUS NUTS

Barak Obama gets at least 30 death threats a day up 300% from what George Bush used to receive. A woman on long Island was arrested for trying to infiltrate a national guard base with an assault rifle and handgun because she's a big fan of Glenn Beck's so when he told her that FEMA had concentration camps that were rounding up tea baggers and conservatives she went to investigate and rescue them. Now Glenn Beck has told his audience of white racist morons that Obama has a hatred of White culture and white people. That shouldn't make Obama's chances of living through his fisrt term any tougher. Tea baggers are also going to democratic congressmen town hall meeting and going batshit screaming and raising a ruckus against healthcare to make it look like there's a white, populist uprising in the country against socialism. The fucking insane "birther" movement just discovered a supposed Kenyan Birth certificate for Barak Obama that is so obviously forged and ridiculous it has all the basic facts about Kenya in 1960 are wrong such as,
Kenya was a Dominion the date this certificate was allegedly issued and would not become a republic for 8 months.

Mombasa belonged to Zanzibar when Obama was born, not Kenya.

Obama's father's village would be nearer to Nairobi, not Mombasa.

The serial number on the document is 47O44-- 47 is Obama's age when he became president, followed by the letter O (not a zero) followed by 44--he is the 44th president.

The supposed government official who processed the document, EF Lavender, is actually the name of a laundry detergent.what the document is, is actually a forged version of an Australian birth certificate.

But the nuts will believe it's real because truth and reson don't exist in the batshit world of the current GOP and Sooner or later one of these fucking lunatics is gonna take a shot at the president and when it happens I hope the FBI and secret service round up Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity Lou Dobbs and all the rest of the asshole GOP mouthpieces fanning the flames and riling up all of these fucking nut jobs and throw their dumb asses in GITMO.

I DON'T WANT TO STATE THE OBVIOUS BUT I'VE GOT SOMETHING ON MY MIND TODAY

That's it, I'm going to argentina. Now I know why the Governor of South Carolina was willing to throw away his whole life for a piece of Argentinian whahocka. I believe my transition into an assman is now complete. Now usually I would be thinking about important stuff like lawn mowing and HBO's vampire show True Blood but today I was at the gym and there was lot's of insane booty activity. I don't like coming off like a perv in public but I also have a golden rule I never ever that states, "When there's something worth staring at, stare, before it goes away." So I always do and I did today. I don't care either, if you're a girl in a gym and your wearing lycra workout pants that are so tight they have infiltrated your entire asscrack leaving your tight round butt cheeks separated to strain alone against their soft yet oppressively clingy lycra master, then you went to the gym with an agenda to have horny pervs stare at your ass. Mission accomplished. As a bonus, it seems the younger the girl the more brazenly they dress. Being that it's summertime, there's all kinds of college girls dressing like absolute tramps. Which is why I adore the younger generation, they're total whores. Even better, the high school girls push the envelope even further and the 13 year old's just wear thongs and go topless. While there was a plethora of ridiculous ass at the gym today I was lucky to have the opposite end of the spectrum directly in front of me. I had the sea hags that have tanned and worked out everyday since 1979 and they look like old wrinkly sticks in reeboks. I know society frowns on old dudes like myself choosing youth over the older woman that looks like a linen shirt after being pulled out of a laundry bag, but that's the way it is. The whole goal and point of being alive is to spread the seed and propagate the species and keep your bloodline thriving and alive. Nineteen year old college chicks are good for that goal, 50 year old hunks of junk not so much. That's why in the old days women died of childbirth by the time they were thirty, then the man could just get a new one. That's why they were the good old days. Women died young and men lived happier lives.

HEY JOE! IT'S ME... TED! FUNNIEST THING I'VE SEEN IN A LONG WHILE

THE ETERNAL QUESTION

As a child I was always more fond of Mary Ann but that was before I started getting the hots for red heads. Or was it? In first grade I was convinced I would marry my fiery red headed girlfriend, Buffy Muenkle. Over the years Ginger began to grow on me. She was beautiful and way sluttier than mary Ann but she was an actress which is just a psychotic nightmare. Mary Ann might have come across as a goody goody but always traipsed around in her little tease farmer girl outfit with the short shorts and the midriff bearing tied up shirt. But I'm sure I could more easily bang Ginger but you never know about those farm girls, get the professor to whip up some crystal meth and let the hillbilly heroin do it's job. Before long she'd be doing all kinds of demeaning acts just to get her filthy Kansas mitts on the crank. So I either bang the trampy red headed actress or turn the pure farm girl into a junkie. I guess I"ll have to go for option #3.

Lovey Howell. She's rich and not so over the hill I couldn't make do with her old ass. I'd do it right, bump off the old man, take all his dough and then live in luxury.... then get rid of her in a tragic accident.