THE TAO OF TED

My path can never truly be followed, my way, in the end, is inconceivable and unknowable but, there can be an understanding and acceptance that just as a river slowly wears down a stone, so too does Ted pummel the implacable, thus acting as an opposing force painstakingly pummeling the seemingly impenetrable citadels of worldly stupidity and eviscerating the bastions of self aggrandizers who protect their commonplace poon. If every force shall be met with an equal, opposing force and balance shall be found in the end then I, through my way, make the force of a random asshole's yin, wilt in the presence of my overpowering, super cool, yang. If a snooty bitch attempts to raise her not so special self above others, I strive to diminish her and drown her vacuous self in my well of inherent worth.

I am not the doer of good deeds, for there is no good or evil, I am the foot that tramples the flower that enables countless seeds to drop that then grow into a whole field of flowers. I am the the wolf eating the deer that would have given your mom Lyme disease. I drink for the sober, I sing for the silent, I laugh for the humorless and when someone gets hot and rises against me in a passionate flash of anger, I am cold like death. I am relentless. I am the river; all other douchebags and bitches; the rock. My Tao is opposition, to nothing in general but to pretty much everything.

WHAT I WANT THIS FALL

I want the Yankees to utterly destroy and Humiliate the Boston Red Sox in 4 games. I want Jonathan Papelbon struck in the temple with a blistering line drive relegating him to a drooling, apple sauce eating simpleton. I want Josh Beckett's right arm to literally tear away from his body and get smacked over the right field wall for a home run, never to be returned. I want David Ortiz to accidentally pump his veins not full of steroids but full of embalsim causing air bubbles that make his gigantic head explode in the Red Sox dugout. I want Kevin Youkilis to break a bat on a Mariano Rivera cutter, fall down and impale himself on the jagged bat handle, emptying bowels and spilling all of his blood into a teeming river of gore on Boston's home plate.
I want A light tower to collapse at Fenway electrocuting a third of the fans.
After all this is achieved I then want to take all the sexy, female, Red Sox fans that survive and make them assume the doggie position. I will then mount and ravage every single one of them from behind while their laments and sobs fill my Yankee goblet with their sweet, copious, tears of anguish and sorrow. Then I will lustfully guzzle their misery, careful not to spill a single drop of their exquisite pain. I, of course will laugh once I have swilled all of their tears and completed buggering their beautiful, woeful, asses.

That is what I want this fall.

So it has been written, so it shall be done.

WOMEN: THE AGONY AND THE ECTASY...BUT MOSTLY THE AGONY

Ugh... women. I love them. But always dubious and slighty disgusted. I saw a women this morning. She was beautiful, wearing nice, tight fitting jeans and high healed short black boots. It was a sight to behold. Long legs, ass, apple shaped and round, poured into her jeans like a liquid. It was a curvy piece of perfection that my inner caveman wanted to conquer, devour and defile on the spot. This was while I was dropping the boys off at school so I demurred. Then I started to think, ok, so what if I do what comes naturally? I chat her up, I make her laugh, I make her feel special, I invite her to join me for some breakfast, we eat, we chat, she falls in love, we go somewhere private, she takes off her her slutty boots, I pull off her pants, make her put her slutty boots back on, I eat her underpants off of her and then I work ever inch of her body like wet clay on a potters wheel. After all the countless, vesuvian, love eruptions subside and she lies wasted, chest heaving, legs twitching, head enclouded in nirvana-like awe, I get the fuck out of there.

But that would never be the end of it because she'd track me down, cry about her deep, undying love for me and then I'd feel bad for having ruined her sexually for all others. I'd give in and give her a piece of me, maybe keep her as a chippy on the side. And that's the mistake. Because no matter how many tears of love she sheds for me and no matter how earnest her cries of devotion may seem, all women have a deep rooted, unending, need to make those around them hate their fucking guts. It's implanted deep in their DNA. The double helix of cuntiness. That piece of ingrained genetic fiber dictates that no matter how awesome a man is, how nice, how funny or how generous, Somewhere along the way in her damn fool, woman mind, she will get it into her head that it's acceptable to be a snark laden, purse lipped, superior, condescending, bitch. Somehow she'll begin to find it appropriate to question how her man puts toothpaste on his toothbrush or how he drives or how he eats. The fucking gall. Questioning a man, disgusting. This inbred need to snip and snark, to manipulate and self destruct the relationship they so wanted is set in the stones and is a timeless as is a females desire to disrupt a good time or add drama to an otherwise peaceful situation. They can't help the chiding and sarcasm and the, woe is me attitude, because there is a universal conundrum at work here, a paradox of greek tragedy proportions. The truth is, women are never truly happy unless they are feeling completely miserable. And in turn making those around them feel even more miserable as well. Why else would women sit around and throw pity parties for themselves and make their so-called friends listen to all their endless pain and drama? You don't do that to a friend. Why else would the Lifetime channel be so successful? Awful shit happening 24/7, I think I'll watch that. Women drive their men into the arms of other women who for a short time will make the man feel good about himself until of course they too begin to tear at his bones like the harpies they are, then both women get together, agree how terrible the man is but still fight over him like vultures over a carcass. Both vying to see who can inflict the most misery on the man they both want. It's sadistic.

So yeah, I saw that beautiful women this morning and I wanted to plow her like she was the Shenandoah valley but at what cost? I would have loved to put on a bib and chow down like I was at a rib eating contest. It would have been wonderful to pour baby oil all over her ass and use her as a slip and slide and of course it would have been awesome to whack her in the head with my penis, but who gets whacked in the end? Me, that's who. Forget it.

TAKE IT EASY JETS FANS

I don't want to pour cold water off a great start by the Jets but all is not rosy. The jets might be new and improved, especially on defense but I'm seeing some stuff I don't like. While everyone in New York is busy kissing their asses I'm noticing that the Jets have absolutely no rushing game. In the last two games the Jets defense has been forced to hold on and stop the opposing offense with more than two minutes remaining in the game. If the jets had any kind of running game they would have easily killed the clock without having to put their defense back on the field. The defense has played great but as the year wears on they're gonna get worn out if the offense can't sustain drives. There were way too many three and out's by the Jets offense yesterday. Yesterday's win came more by the way of special teams recovering fumbles than on the offense or defense. The Titans also dropped a lot of passes in the open yesterday as well. A couple of routine catches and quite possibly the game ends very differently.

As for rookie Mark Sanchez, he has looked great at times but he has also looked, well, like a rookie. Against both the patriots and the Titans he overthrew open receivers in the end zone and on key third down plays. His interception yesterday was because of an overthrown ball to a wide open receiver. I know he's just a pup but I see a bit of a Yip tendency in him, when it seems most important, like 3rd down in the 4th quarter or in the red zone, he seems to get too pumped up and zipps the ball when he needs more touch. Hopefully, that will come with time. He has looked very good in some instances but if their is no running attack the whole offense will be on his rookie shoulders, which isn't a good way for a team to keep winning. I've been a jets fan too long to get too excited but for the first time since the Parcell days, I mostly like what the team is doing, especially on defense.

SAME AS IT EVER WAS BITCHES: YANKEES PLACE UNIVERSE BACK IN ORDER

The Yankees are back as kings of the east. The Sox might not have been playing their A-team this past weekend but who cares, winning the American league east championship and Home field advantage throughout the playoffs is a good deal. I'll take it. Terry Francona gave up on challenging the Yankees for the east division 3 weeks ago but really gave up when John Lester went down in a crumpled heap of Melky Cabrerra comebacker knee pain friday night. If Boston had taken Friday's game I think the last two would have been more heavily contested by the red Sox. Up until Tuesday,the Sox still had an outside chance at taking the division but Boston really fucked up when they dropped two games to the lowly Royals. They were within 4 1/2 games of the yanks and then sucked the gas pipe. Of course all of this joy and champagne has been seen before. The yankees haven't won shit in 9 years so I take this division title with a grain of salt but this team has a little more going for than most of the teams since 2001 did. They hit better, they field better, they have a manager in Joe Girardi who unlike Joe Torre, hasn't completely wiped out his bullpen. The starting pitching is the big unknown. And that's a big problem. The playoffs are different than the regular season you face good starters every game and runs are harder to come by. The Yankees can't afford Joba Chamberlain or A.J. Burnett to throw a three inning stinker. Every start has to be quality. This is where I worry. Yankees only throw tow realible starters in C.C. Sabathia and Andy Pettite, the sox have three possible four good starters.

As for the Sox, they seemed pretty content to lose to the yanks and take the wild card route through Anaheim. The Red Sox have owned The Angels in the past but I think this year just might be different. The Angels will run, run and then run some more against Red Sox catchers and the Red Sox have proven all year to be homers. They pretty much suck on the road and thanks to the yankee sweep this weekend will finish under 500 on the road. If the Angels take the first two in Anaheim all the home cooking in the world might not be enough for a sox team that seems to be lacking that killer instinct they used to have. But anything can happen in the playoffs so if the Yankees should meet the Sox again this fall I'll be clinging to my rosary beads and my bottle of Xanax. Another playoff loss to the Red Sox would not be acceptable... or cool.

ALL THE LEAVES ARE BROWN, MACKENZIE LOOKS OK....

...I went for a walk,
to her room today,
It's all hot and warm...

OK, that's enough, we all know how this song ends. Poppa John Phillips perv, rapist, junkie, incestuous drunk. Put that on a hippie head stone. By now I guess everyone in the universe has heard about Mackenzie Phillips being raped while in a drug induced blackout, possibly being impregnated and then carrying out a consensual affair with her fucking DAD, "Poppa" John Phillips, for 1o years. No wonder why she's a fucking walking disaster area. I feel like a much better father after reading about this insane douche. Of course Mackenzie saves this revelation for the Oprah show. Who dabbles in heartwarming tales of incestuous rape and drug abuse better than this asshole? Gotta sell a book? Go on Oprah and drop your pants. Expose everything about your shameful and seedy pasts and then you'll make the horribly, miserable house fraus sitting at home feel much better about their shit lives and they'll go out and buy the book and then dream of poppa John raping them. Anything to make their boring, 24/7 packing on the pounds, bitching at their husband's lives, bearable. Fellow Momma's and Poppas singer, Michelle Phillips, step-mom to Mackenzie, says her incestuous affair story is bullshit and usually I'd be dubious of such a claim myself, but this one I believe. The guy was a disaster and he made his daughter one as well. He was teaching her to roll joints at 10, snorting lines of coke with her at 11 and shot her up with heroin in her teens. The sex was just a natural progression of fucking his kid up. He just took it to the literal extreme. I know those hippies had a different sense of reality but even the most hard core, hippie dipshit knows it's completely insane to fuck your own daughter. Creepiest line of the Oprah interview.

Before his death, Miss Phillips said she confronted her father, saying to him: 'We have to talk about when you raped me.' Her father reportedly replied: 'You mean when we made love?'

OK, now that's a fucking puke in your mouth moment if there ever was one.

Now Mackenzie says you shouldn't hate him and that he was tortured so in the spirit of forgiveness I will. But as long as we're being accepting of his disgusting behavior, I have one question.

Why was he doing this daughter?

When he could have been doing this daughter? Just sayin.

BEST LINE FROM THIS PAST WEEKEND

Mr. X: I'm having all kinds of ass problems. Every time I shit it's like I'm giving birth to a porcupine. Like I'm shitting pine cones. I need my shit to come out like soft serve ice cream.

Mr. Y: Like Carvel

Mr. X: Right, but it's coming out like rocky road

Mr. Y: You mean chunky monkey

Mr Y wins the best line of the week award

FOOTBALL SUNDAY: A TIMELINE OF SELF DESTRUCTION

As Danny Glover and a boatload of other world weary, hackneyed, imitation, movie cops are fond of saying, "I'm getting too old for this shit." I love going to football games, especially in the early fall when it's still beautiful out and you don't freeze your ass off, but the toll it takes on me is quite brutal. My Jets game day was beyond awesome but yesterday I felt like I had a dead fat kid strapped to my back. I was sluggish to say the least. I guess it all begins with the pain in the ass time constraints of a 1:00 football game.

There's lot's to do and to do it right you have to hit the road early. I woke up at 6:25 showered and wacked it, left my house in Connecticut at 7:00, picked up my brother-in-law at 7:15, was in Bayside Queens in the record time of 1 hour. 8:20, too early to wake up my cousin, go to dunkin donuts, 8:50 wake up cousin. Hang out while he showers. We hit the bar where the Jets bus leaves from at 9:30. "Heineken light?" My cousin asks me. "Well... it's early, but...sure, just one or two." My cousin gives me the cut the shit look. Yeah fucking right. I know it and everyone else around me knows that as soon as I put my lips to the first beer it's a never ending choo choo of consumption for the rest of the day.

I tell my brother-in-law. "Keep an eye on me, don't let me get too silly with the beers too early. Just remind me to have a coke or some water every now and then." He gives me a look as if to say, A) I'm not your fucking mom
B) you're so full of shit

We hang at the bar for an hour, I have 3 beers, at 10:30 it's time to ride the bus to the game. Three coolers filled with beer on the bus. Temptation. Now usually the bus costs anywhere from 35 to 50 bucks. It was a little undersold on Sunday so the cost was 60 dollars. Just the excuse I needed. "Yo", I say to my bro, " I gotta make the extra money I'm paying worth it, forget about that shit I said. Next stop drunk town." I crack quite a few on the short ride, but they're light beers.

We get to the stadium at 11:oo, that's a good two hours to tailgate which means many more beers. I have a hot dog, some steak, a hamburger, cheese and crackers and a pulled pork sandwich. Now usually I wouldn't eat quite so much but there's a method to the munching. When it's before noon and you're already on your 10th beer, If you don't stuff your face like a bear in a girl scout cookie factory, you can't maintain any sense of normalcy . If you want to be a loud, cheering drunk during the game, you have to consume mass quantities of everything you can get your fat hands on.

10 minutes to 1:oo we load up with beers for 5 minute walk to the entry gate. We swill on the line and enter stadium. Let the game begin.

Feeling super, just the right amount of drunken aggression coursing through my veins. Take on a pair of obnoxious patriots fans and let them know right away, any sass beyond the respectful will not be tolerated. Things not going well for the jets early and the Patriots fans feel empowered. I use some not so veiled hints of impending violence upon them which entices them to take a more cordial manner in my seating area. I diminish their smack talk by a good 57% with my aggressive defense of my sectional domain. You may enter my zone, you may cheer for your team, anything more will not be tolerated. They understand, I end up having lot's of fun tormenting them.

Halftime. I've gone two quarters without beer. Buy three, for the price of a thirty pack. So worth it.

Game becomes more fun, The Jets start winning take the lead, I make my new patriot fan friends absolutely fucking miserable.

4:00 Game over, Jets win lots of Joy.
Rush back to bus for post game tailgate.
4:15 beers are being swilled.
5:15 back on bus. coolers on bus, beer in coolers. I'm happy
6:00 Return to Bar,I walk in with three beers from the bus. Drink those
shots of Jameson's

almost entice some little blond hottie in a cut off Giants shirt to buy me drinks but got greedy and told her to buy one for three other guys I was with as well. Really fucked up with that one, overreached. Otherwise, I would have had to explain to my wife why I reek of young lady juice.

7:00 time to go.
7:30 drop of cuz
9:00 back at bro's house
watch giants game
have some cake
11:30
drive home
12:30 bed
wake up next day 7:00 kids, school, ugh, fucking kill me

IT'S FRIDAY, I'M IN LOVE!

...With getting drunk. Going tot he Jets game this weekend on the infamous Cousin Kyle bus out of queens, should rock the balls off me. Goin with Bro-in law Kev, The notorious B.I.L. cousin Uncle Kyle. All his retard friends. It will rock.

I hope the jets can finally win one against the Pats at home. Maybe they'll catch the Pats a little tired from their last game and hopefully they'll get to knock Tom Brady around a bit. Pressure his ass, and knock the crap out of him. If he has all day in the pocket, he's deadly, it's over. Hopefully Mark Sanchez doesn't get too confused by the Patriot's defensive schemes and is smart with the football. He looked very good last week but he could have been picked off three times. Stick with the run, some play action, roll outs. Make it easy on him.

I want to get liquored up, eat some crap food, laugh with my friends and cheer on some bloodthirsty viciousness and gang tackling. I don't like to be disappointed when i go to these things. Losses anger me. But I am psyched and hopefull. I sometimes might come across as a wee bit of a negative guy but that's not the real me. I love lot's of stuff. Let's see, besides my teams winning, What else am I in love with? I'm an effusive lover of all things good. My wife my kids,Women in general, alcohol, beer, music, movies, a nice painting, flowers, dogs, beautiful landscapes, beaches, mountains, laughing, singing, punching things, all that good shit. What am I most in love with right now? Specifically? Mmmm, If I had to choose just one thing, I think my #1 love right now is.....











Boy shorts!
If that isn't he greatest thing in the world I don't know what is. It's the Best type of pantie, hands down. A girl wearing tiny boyshorts is love. Suffocatingly snug, tight, crotchy love. I feel like i should cup that crotch with my hand and raise it up to heaven's and give thanks and then give it a few smacks before doing to it what it was put here for. I love the things I love. Sproingggg!

BARACK WON'T PLAY NIGGER FOR LIMBAUGH OR THE REST OF THE WHITE RIGHT

Here's a great little piece by Ta Nahisi Coates about why Obama pisses off the right wing nutjobs so much. As if being a black democrat with a Muslim sounding name wasn't enough, according to Ta, it's the type of black man that Obama is that really drives the racist fuckheads like Limbaugh completely over the fucking edge. I know not everyone who oppose Obama is a racist but if you're not a racist it is your duty to shut the other clowns in your party up when they cross the line. There is no one on the right who will do this. Don't tell me Rush isn't a racist, it's his only truthful disposition. From the Barack the magic negro song to Donovan McNabb being over hyped because he's black, to linking a white kid getting beat up by black kids on a school bus to Obama, Limbaugh filters all his commentary through an anti-black lens while his ignorant cracker ass hillbilly fans eat it up.

"...If anything, I'm a little giddy. For black people, the clear benefit of Obama is that he is quietly exposing an ancient hatred that has simmered in this country for decades...

But Barack Obama, bourgeois in every way that bourgeois is right and just, will not dance.He tells kids to study--and they seethe. He accepts an apology for an immature act of rudeness--and they go hysterical. He takes his wife out for a date--and their veins bulge. His humanity, his ordinary blackness, is killing them. Dig the audio of his response to Kanye West--the way he says, "He's a jackass." He sounds like one of my brothers. And that's the point, because that's what he is. Barack Obama refuses to be their nigger. And it's driving them crazy.

It's about time.

I just hope they add more secret service guys to watch him before one of Limbaugh's "friends" does more than just brandish a weapon at an Obama town hall.

http://ta-nehisicoates.theatlantic.com/archives/2009/09/flip_and_pop_my_collar_like_the_fonz.php

WHERE THE FUCK IS NATURAL SELECTION WHEN WE NEED IT MOST?

With the 150th anniversary of Darwin's groundbreaking, On the origin of Species, coming up in November, I've been reading quite a bit about the battle between Christian creationist clowns and the people who aren't retarded. It's a tough fight between the frightened, lying, faithless morons who inhabit the right and control the GOP and the entire scientific community and the rest of the normal people in the world who can look at a fact and not shit their pants.

I find it amazing that these people on the right can basically buy any kind of nonsense without thinking twice and twist and curve just about any fact to suit their needs when they need it to but they can't manage to find some way to marry their faith with the proven science behind evolution. They can come up with theories on how Obama was born in Kenya and was snuck into this country as a baby Manchurian candidate to grow up and someday destroy the nation from within. They can Listen to Glenn beck and believe Rockefeller center is one giant homage to communism. They can, as recent polls show, believe Barack Obama is the anti-Christ, they can twist end of life counseling into a death panel, They can believe Noah got pairs of all the animals and birds and insects in the world for a ride on his boat. They can believe Adam and Eve talked to a snake and ate a naughty apple. They can believe dinosaurs walked amongst men 6000 years ago, but they can't believe man evolved from monkeys. I'm sure one part of evolution that burns their asses is that it appears man originated in Africa...Just like Obama...and Willie Horton...and ACORN! and that just won't do. Don't rock the boat with science or facts or research. Keep it as dumbed down and child-like as possible Because if you contradict the bible, their whole world collapses. It's all or nothing. The bible is the fact, written by the very hand of God and anything that doesn't fit into that framework will make them cry.

I hate to tell them but that's not really faith. Faith isn't just blindly believing and ignoring the truth, faith is acknowledging the truth for what it is, yet still believing. Faith is creating a framework where the truth, facts and science and religious beliefs can co-exist. Evolution deniers are ignorant idiots. Creationists are cowards. They are children who throw a tantrum, kick the board over and run home crying if they lose a game of candyland. They are so simple minded that they can't ponder that if there really is a God then maybe it's something beyond our comprehension and that maybe the bible was written by people a long time ago who were trying to make sense out of a confusing and complicated world. If you look at Genesis the world is created in an evolutionary pattern. Light, heavens, earth, sky, water, land, fish, birds, animals, man. Creationists can't just say to themselves, "well maybe that 7 days thing was really 7 billion years and maybe God's plan was to make shit happen slow? " Why not? I'll tell you why not. Only rational people can come up with a rational explanation. Ask a small child to be rational and compromise when they are pitching a hissy fit. Won't happen,Can't be done. Child-like minds are absolutist minds. The bible is their baby blankey, their bottle...God made man in his image, 7 days, garden of Eden, say anything different and I'll kick and scream and I'll hold my breath till I turn blue. What? schools are teaching evolution? I'll home school my kids. The college teaches evolution? I'll create my own private college for dipshits. Facts won't ever get in the way in their world. It's warm and safe living in a fact free womb. Ignorance is bliss, knowledge is scary and babies don't like being scared.

SOMETIMES SHIT IS JUST FUNNY YO

Thanks to the Diabolical Liz Markie for this.

I think Patrick Swayze would find this funny but right now he can't, cause he's dead n' shit.
I really hope there is a heaven, it would suck to not be able to hear people rip on you after you die. One of my sisters thinks I should write my own eulogy and give it to my friend to read at my funeral. She says it would be a nice sendoff for myself and no one quite loves me like me. I think she may have something there. I can see it now, tear filled eyes sad faces, all lamenting the passing of Sir Ted Velvet, Elton John is there, Liz Taylor, McCauley Culkin all my true friends. My friend B.I.L. walks up to the lectern and slowly opens the 10 pages of genius that have I have left for him to read. He clears his throat, the church is silent except for sniffling. Dear Funeral attendees, before we get started I just thought you should know the coroner raped my dead body...OK onto how awesome I was..." I think that 's a winner.

HOW TO WIN MEGAN FOX'S HEART: A TUTORIAL part deux

This is pretty awesome. This guy does exactly what you're supposed to do to a super hot chick. Treat her like crap. he so knocks her off her game by the end of this interview she wants to have the guys babies. Watch how she tries to insinuate herself into a conversation that has nothing to do with her and the interviewer basically tells her to shut up. She is incredulous. The banter between the two guys is beyond stupid but the way this guy knocks Fox down a peg is wonderful. It's interesting how much her co-star loves the fact that she got dissed. He's probably sick to death of every interview being all about her. It's probably the first time anyone has ever told her to shut the fuck up since she grew breasts. She cocks her head sideways and breaths out exasperated. She looks as if she's trying to figure out why her world just got destroyed. What the fuck just happened to me? She thinks. This doesn't happen to me... Ever. I'm so in love. The look on her face goes from incredulity to awe. Look at how she smiles at the interviewer after she regains her bearing. As they say in the movie swingers, "It's so on." The capper is when he makes her wear a bag on her head. If a girl will wear a bag on her head because you told her to, she'll suck your dick. I have to say, once she comes out of the bag she's more human not such queen bitch. A tamed shrew, And yes, from now on, this blog will solely consist of Megan Fox posts.

HEY BIG SURPRISE, MEGAN FOX IS EVERY BIT THE DUMB BITCH I SAID SHE WAS

I like to be right even if being right about Megan Fox being an idiot is as easy as a call as saying Rosie O'Donnell is unattractive. Still, I like when i write something and within a few days people who would be in a better position to factually know, prove my assumptions correct. I've gone off a few times on what a vacuous, self involved, dipshit I think Megan Fox is. She's beyond beautiful but like most beautiful women she turned her brain off in Kindergarten and has floated through life being the beautiful idiot that people give things to and do stuff for because she's beautiful. I've done some groundbreaking Fox bashing here and here but now it seems some of the people who have had the displeasure of working with this bitch on robot movies have come out to kick her ass sideways.

This all started because Megan, master thespian that she is, decided to trash the shitty, hack, king of lame action flicks, director of the transformer movies, and the person who plucked her from her trailer trash upbringing to make her a star, Michael Bay. He's the person to blame for cinematic abortions such as Coyote Ugly and Pearl Harbor. I actually went to see Pearl Harbor when I still lived on Long Island and within the first minute an old WWII veteran and myself were laughing at how fucking bad the movie was. The film's first scene takes place at Roosevelt Field, the same airfield that Charles Lindbergh took off from to start his historic flight across the atlantic ocean. Anyway, anyone who knows anything about Long Island knows that except for some hills on the north shore, the place is basically flat as a fucking pancake. Yet in Michael Bay's, cheapo, no interest in doing any kind of research mind, Roosevelt Field is surrounded by very large hills, one might even call them mountains. These looked like the very same hills that surround Los Angeles. Now how fucking lame is that? I'm not saying the guy has to film the shit on Long Island but at least find something that looks flat.


But I digress, the whole Megan Fox thing started when in an interview she made some claims about Michael Bay, "He's like Napoleon and he wants to create this insane, infamous mad-man reputation. He wants to be like Hitler on his sets, and he is. So he's a nightmare to work for but when you get him away from set, and he's not in director mode, I kind of really enjoy his personality because he's so awkward."

Well that description of Michael Bay pissed off a few of his loyal production crew who took it upon themselves to defend their director no matter how badly his moves might suck. Now he's a worthless, shit, director but I have admiration for people who cultivate the kind of loyalty his staff showed. Apparently calling their captain a Napoleonic Hitler type went too far so they wrote a post on bay's website and tore the Lovely Ms. Fox to shreds. Some of their complaints are of the high school, she's not nice to us and doesn't say, "thank you" or "hi" variety but they do a pretty good job of making her look like a self absorbed jerk. I will now quote some of their better put downs.

"...we've had the tedious experience of working with the dumb-as-a-rock Megan Fox on both Transformers movies..."

"...Megan is the queen of talking trailer trash and posing like a porn star. And yes we've had the unbearable time of watching her try to act on set, and yes, it's very cringe-able. So maybe, being a porn star in the future might be a good career option. But make-up beware, she has a paragraph tattooed to her backside (probably due her rotten childhood) easily another 45 minutes in the chair!..." (love how they goof on her retarded tats and have share my believe that she should just do porn)

"...So when the three of us caught wind of Ms Fox, pontificating yet again in some publication (like she actually has something interesting to say) blabbing her trash mouth about a director whom we three have grown to really like. She compared working with Michael, to "working with Hitler". We actually don't think she knows who Hitler is by the way. ..."

"...Megan really is a thankless, classless, graceless, and shall we say unfriendly bitch. It's sad how fame can twist people, and even sadder that young girls look up to her. If only they knew who they're really looking up to.

But 'Fame' is fleeting. We, being behind the scenes have
seen em' come and go. Hopefully Michael will have Megatron squish her character in the first ten minutes of Transformers 3. We can tell you that will make the crew happy!"

-Loyal Transformers Crew

THE MATLOCK REVOLUTION

These are the cranky old, medicare recipient, staunch enemies of socialism, fascism, terrorism, and black presidents movement. They descended upon Washington for Glenn Beck's National day of being an ignorant douche. The tea party, 9/12 project tries to galvanize idiots to defend powerful insurance companies and to defend the right of millionaires to avoid paying taxes. They say they hate deficit spending, they hate waste, unless of course George Bush is the one doing it. They hate bailing out big, asshole, banks because watching banks fail and having people lose everything is a better option. That wouldn't end up costing anything would it? The FDIC is also socialist scheme. How dare the government insure your money from being lost should a bank collapse. Shame on them.

Raise your hand if you're a dumb cunt

Hey let's disrespect a dead guy! John Birchers, Obama Birthers, Tea baggers, Glenn Beck bunghole cleaners always keep it classy

Everyone knows 9/11 was Obama's fault.
George Bush? Just because he avoided the Al Qaeda threat and sat there like a stunned retard for 7 minutes before flying to kansas to hide doesn't mean he wasn't a big hero that day.
Nice fat kid by the way asshole.

I'M THE BIGGEST AMERICA FAN 9/11 PATRIOTIC DOUCHE OFF

I'm sorry but I can't stand the people who feel it necessary to tell everyone around them how great America is and how their hearts are with the victims of 9/11. Grandstanding super mourning, super patriots that have to let everyone know that they feel everything more. They love the country more. They remember that day better than everyone else. If I lost 1 friend on 9/11 they lost a dozen. These people love the country the way a puppy love's its master, or how a child loves God, they don't think about it, they can't question it, they just believe. They think simplistically. America is great, it's the greatest country in the world they like to say ( and maybe it is) but they can't really tell you why. It's simple and that's the way they like it. My best friend who is conservative once said after a political discussion, "I don't want to know the truth. I just want to believe we're doing the right thing." simple.

Ron Paul says that the 9/11 attacks were "blowback" from the Foreign Policy the United States has pursued in the Middle east since the 1940's. Conservatives Boo. Rudy Giuliani says blowback is just another way of blaming america. Conservatives cheer. Simple.

After 9/11, smart people within the government said, "Let's try to figure out why they attacked us." Cheney said, " They want to psychoanalyze the terrorists." stupid and Simple.

Now I love my country but part of loving something is pointing out when it goes astray for it's own good. I would no more stay silent while my kids played in traffic than I would when my country makes blunders. But there are different rules for the right and the left. The left is forever unpatriotic and the right is always country first. Republicans love their country more because they say so. Over and over again. Question it and it's clear you don't love it. No Matter how stupidly and recklessly they act, the Republicans have their hand on their heart and a tear in their eye when they raise old glory. That's love. Their actions might endanger the country and help destroy it's institutions but since when did legalizing torture, un-warranted spying and starting unprovoked wars count as mistakes? You can't investigate it, you can't criticize it, you can't point out all the shameless lies or rampant hypocrisy or endless stupidity. That would complicate things.

Can you imagine if someone had called Bush a liar before a joint session of congress? With two wars going on???? Sean Hannity would have had a self righteous, you're assisting the enemy stroke. Glenn Beck would still be crying. These are the same people that can never admit invading Iraq was a major league fuck up that hurt the country they supposedly love so much. They just wanted to blame anyone with a turban regardless of guilt. Simple answer, attack them. Who's them? Who cares, go get em. Donald Rumsfeld style. If there's no good targets in Afghanistan, attack Iraq. Simple. Beat up that Muslim cab driver, oh, he's a Sikh, who cares. Simple. Torture them. Simple.

Why were we attacked on 9/11?
They hate us for our freedoms.
Simple.
Who's to blame for 9/11?
Bill Clinton.
Simple.

YOU CAN'T MASTURBATE ON 9/11

Tomorrow it will be 8 years since the terrorist attacks of 9/11 and not a single person within our government has been held accountable for the massive fuck up's of that day, we still haven't caught Bin laden we're still in Afghanistan we invaded the wrong country, Iraq, which we're still in and I have to refrain from touching myself all day long. It's a fucking shame. I am a self proclaimed 9/11 conspiracy theorist. I mean, i don't believe the attacks were carried out and planned by our government but I do believe some things that aren't in the official record. I usually would have trusted the government on this stuff but let's face it that last administration was such a bunch of lying cocksuckers you can't trust a thing those dirty fucks told you.

1) I believe flight 93 was shot down over Pennsylvania by US warplanes. All that hero passenger stuff might be true but for us to not have shot that plane down after all the other shit that had happened that day would have been more criminal and a bigger national defense fuck up than blowing it out of the sky.

2) I believe a missile hit the pentagon and a plane as well. I don't know how they got everyone to believe that there wasn't a single anti aircraft missile sent to intercept the plane that hit the pentagon after people within the white house and pentagon tracked that plane for an hour heading toward Washington DC. Are you telling me the pentagon has no defensive safety measures? Are you telling me that the huge building that houses our military high command and where policy and strategy is mapped out has no ability to repel an attack? I believe a missile was sent up and maybe on the tail of the plane or maybe alone burned in through that side of the building.

3) I believe i should be able to masturbate on 9/11 it's what the survivors would have wanted. let's roll!



Americans Observing 9/11 By Trying Not To Masturbate

NOW WHY WOULD I WANT TO SEE THIS....

...When I can see this ?

I seriously hate the hand over boob shot almost as much as I hate the hand over piff shot but at least one shows boobage. Why on earth a men's magazine like Maxim would think any man would care about Audrina Partridge showing half a boob when you can see real thing on google for free is beyond me. There is nothing sexy or even titillating about someone covering her boobs. It's fucking boring. I've seen nipples before, I can handle it. If you're going to be a naked whore in magazines be a naked whore. No one is going to give her a prize for being just another nip covering tease. All these sluts want to be famous, you know what would make Audrina Partridge more famous? A picture of her her with a guys dick in her ass. Wow! Scandal! Instant huge fame! Reality show all to yourself, no more sharing the hills with a bunch of other tease skanks, a whole show just for Audrina putting dicks and assorted accoutrement up her lovely reality show ass. I say sooner or later some wannabe whore will make it happen. Just like Paris and Kim Kardashian did.


http://hothottie.com/8/audrina-patridge-naked-pics/

I'M NOT SAYING I WATCH PORN...BUT IF I DID, THESE MIGHT PROBABLY BE SOME OF MY FAVORITE PORN CHICKS

Now this might seem like I'm a major porn junkie pervmeister but nothing could be further from the truth. A pox upon anyone who would think such a thing. I'm just intrigued by hot chicks that would completely debase themselves for money. I really do find it quite interesting that this is how some people choose to make a living. Sad? Maybe. But who am I to judge? I say God bless them. For if it weren't for these wonderful, dirty, misguided and mentally damaged porn chicks, Ted would be a super, cranky man. Some people have coffee in the morning I have this. Just Five minutes to peel the sunshine out of my pants and a new, wonderful, day can begin. Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day!
People always ask me why I'm always singing in the morning.

Faye Reagan/Valentine.
Irish american, red head, all natural, all freckles, all nice. She also models for American apparel. That's how I first found out about this chick. What? A model being a dirty porn whore? Got's to check that out. She's good at porning.

Riley Mason
cute goth/punk chick. All natural, sexy chick, brings the pie

August Night.
Latina chick. Didn't show her face. Why bother? look at that. Mmmm, hiney

Angel Dark,
Too hot for words. Perfect body. of course she's from Hungary or the Czech Republic or outer space or something like that. She does it all. Quite versatile with her inputs.

Jane Darling
Another freak from the old eastern block. Crazy body, also very liberal with the inputs.

Eve Lawrence
Only girl on my list with fake boobs. Don't know why I like her must be her personality and her enthusiasm. also a nice hiney to go with giant fake breasts.

Jenna Haze
Very enthusiastic little freak. does it all.
A very liberal sense of penile acceptance or she's just greedy. She wants all the wangs she can get her twisty action hands on.

Avy Scott.
Reminds me of a girl I dated, Same exact body type. I think that's why I like her. Quite the fellatrix. Never does more than one guy at a time. I respect that in a porn star. it's boring but i respect it.

LET ME GUESS, YOU'RE A SARAH PALIN FAN RIGHT?

I would also bet that this nutty bitch is one of the white assholes that is freaking out that Obama is gonna talk to school kids on Tuesday. Let's call a spade a spade, (no racist pun intended) if you think Obama is indoctrinating your children into some sort of leftist, fascist army because he's gonna speak to them on television for 10 minutes then you're a fucking racist lunatic fuck. I'm beyond sick of the right wing in this country just being completely batshit and not being called on it. One of my right wing, Glenn Beck fan, friends called me the other day all in a tizzy and was spouting a boatload of paranoid republican bullshit at me the other day. Obama has hired Czars! Unaccountable czars!! Obama wants to take over the country with a youth army!! He's got Death panels! You name a bullshit right wing theory I heard it the other day. The thing that came across most was the fear that my nutty friend felt. The right wing in this country which is 95% white or more are scared shitless because they see more and more people that aren't white. Immigration, Obama, 9/11 and a recession has caused these people to absolutely lose their minds. The tea baggers and town hall yellers keep comparing what's going on in the healthcare debate to what happened in Germany under Hitler. The thing they all miss or don't seem to catch the irony of in their argument is that While Naziism was a form of socialism, it wasn't exactly spurred on by leftists. Hitler didn't really care about lowering the costs of healthcare. The people in this country who want to crack the heads and deport immigrants and want to fight against leftist, liberal ideas are a hell of a lot closer to brownshirts than Obama and his nerdy minions of hipsters will ever be. You don't see kids with emo haircuts bringing guns to the health care town halls do ya?

While talking to my paranoid friend he told me how mad he was that the attorney general would investigate the fact that The United States illegally tortured people. "How could he investigate the CIA? It's un-American!" he told me. "They were just doing what they were told." Again, no sense of ironic understanding of how stupid this is. No Nuremberg defense acknowledgment, "I vuss Jus folowwing orders meine prsecutor!!"

There was no ability to understand that United States law and international law was openly and willfully broken. There was no ability to understand the argument that in a so-called lawful society the ends to do not justify the means. Now my friend isn't stupid he just couldn't wrap his around the fact that, Yes, they may have committed a horrible crime but by the law, you are not allowed to do whatever you want to them. And even if that law doesn't suit your needs, you can't just ignore it "They were terrorists!" he kept telling me. And my reply to this was, "There is no caveat in the constitution or in any law book that know that stipulates, 'It's OK to torture people as long as they are terrorists'."


In the 1970's and 80's The British used to get lot's of IRA convictions against so-called terrorists by keeping suspects awake for 7 days and beating them and threatening them until they eventually gained false confessions out of innocent people. The British would cover up any evidence that might have cleared them and then imprison the innocent for life while the guilty remained free.


I didn't even get into the fact that torture gives you as much bad information as it might give you good. It wastes the time of law enforcement following the false leads that the tortured suspects give them just to make the torture stop. Anyone who has read about how the FBI gets confessions and flips people to testify, whether they be mafiosos or terrorists, knows that they do it by gaining the prisoner's trust not by crushing their nuts. In one case I read about, the FBI flipped a terrorist simply by offering the guy a cigarette, he hadn't had one in months and was jonesing hard core. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed who was water boarded by the CIA 180 times, after the FBI had already gathered all the useful intelligence he would end up giving, admits giving lie after lie to interrogators just to stop the torture. "... former FBI agent Ali Soufan testified to Congress that he was able to gain information about Khalid Sheikh Mohammed from terrorist detainee Abu Zubaydah while nursing him back to health (and before the CIA began its harsher tactics, which Soufan argues backfired)..."

The people in this country who are gung ho for torture and gung ho for spying on people's phone calls without a warrant are also the one's always talking up and screaming about how the constitution is being destroyed by Obama, again without a hint of irony. Where was Glenn Beck when Bush started tapping everyone's phone? Now I don't want George Bush spying on me and I don't want Barak Obama spying on me. I guess it's ok to spy on and torture people but only if they're brown or Muslims. Everything in the eyes of a right winger can be justified as long as it's not happening to them. Water boarding isn't torture, at least it isn't until the day one of them turns up on a list and they're pouring water over their face for no reason. Earlier this year when the department of homeland security put out a memo saying that right wing groups were to be watched for possible violence against the state, Right wingers threw hissy fits. How dare you label us threats? Once again they saw no irony in not wanting to be looked at as terrorists just because of their beliefs.

This country is getting scary stupid. The demagogues on the right are fueling something very dangerous and something very sad and tragic is gonna happen if all this paranoia and ridiculous fear mongering doesn't get ratcheted down. I wonder how Fox News will cover Obama's assassination after they help bring it about?



and now for your viewing pleasure, losers at wal-mart

http://peopleofwalmart.com/?paged=6

ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF TED'S SPOTLESS MIND

As my wife and I walked my 4 year old son into school for his first day of kindergarten yesterday, my camera in hand clicking away, I thought of my own first day of kindergarten. I was struck by the incongruous realities of our first school days . ( I think I used incongruous wrong but it sounds smarty pants good) As I dropped him off at his class and gave him a hug and a fist pound for luck I may have acted like I didn't care but internally I was actually going through an existential moment of wow.

There was a ghost in that hallway yesterday. It was the phantom of a lost little Ted on his 1st day of school. I fought the desire to curl up on the floor and cry like a little bitch, but the memories were so..very...strong...i fought back the tears of remembrance. Damn my awesome memory there's just too... much... pain! I remember it all as if it were yesterday.....(cue flashback music and fog machine.)

My first day of kindergarten was coming up, it was a warm summer day. My Mom looked outside across our front lawn teeming with the many children that populated our neighborhood in those post baby boom years. "Steven!" she called over to a boy. "Steven, can you come here?" She had called over the 10 year old son of her best neighborhood friend, Margaret. Steven was a blond, bright eyed, kid with a permanent smile and a love of mischief. He was easily the king of the block. All the kids looked up to him. He was cool, he was fun, he liked to throw charcoal briquettes at the houses of people he didn't like. Though extremely mischievous and prone to vandalism, he somehow managed to exude a certain level of maturity not usually found in a kid so prone to devil may care destruction. He seemed like an older person, for a young kid he had gravitas, my parents respected him, my mom loved him but most of all, she trusted him.

"Steven, my mom began, do you think you could bring Ted to school tomorrow for his first day of kindergarten?" My mom could not take me because my older brothers and sisters went to catholic school and needed her to help them she didn't have time to take me and get my 5 siblings ready. "Sure thing, Mrs. Velvet." Steven boldly exclaimed.
"Do you know which classroom to take him to?" my mom asked somewhat worriedly.
"Who is his teacher?" Steven asked
"Mrs. Weiss"
"Oh yeah, I know which classroom she has. I'll take him, no problem." With that, Steven was off to play with the other kids. I felt confident and somewhat honored that the coolest kid in the neighborhood would be my escort into the new world of academia.

The next morning my mom got me dressed in my best flared plaid pants and checkered shirt, it was the early 70's after all, and took me out on our front step. Within a minute Steven came out from behind his house diagonally across the street from us riding his bicycle.
"Hop on the handlebars Ted." He said confidently with a smile.
I looked at my mom she smiled and nodded her head.
I climbed onto the handle bars and sat on the uncomfortable crossbar. "Have a good day." My mom said, and then Steven peddled off. I looked back toward my mom as we road down the driveway but she had already entered the house. I felt a pit in my stomach. I was scared.

My elementary school was only a few blocks away. Steven road quickly down the street playfully swerving as he zoomed past the other children walking. When we reached the school Steven continued to ride. He didn't stop the bike and put it in the rack like the other children were doing. He rode right up to an open side door and rode the bicycle with me on the handlebars through the halls of the school. The school had long ramps all throughout its interior and Steven was hell bent on testing them out. He rode through the halls yelling to friends,avoiding and ignoring the teachers who demanded that he stop. He just kept riding up one ramp and down another. It was great fun, so much so that it almost made me forget how bad my ass was hurting and how much I missed my mom. Then he turned down a somewhat deserted hallway, rode up inside an empty classroom and stopped.

"Here you are." He said as I jumped off the handlebars.
Are you sure? I asked sheepishly, not wanting to doubt his superior judgment.
"Yeah, you're just early. You're the first one."
I looked around at the walls. They were blank. I noticed the lights weren't even on. It didn't look like a kindergarten classroom.
"I don't know Steve, I don't think this is my classroom."
"Sure it is, your teacher will be here in a minute, gotta go." And just like that, Steven and his bicycle disappeared.

I sat there alone in the dark empty classroom and listened to noises of the happy kids walking and talking on their way to class. Then a bell rang. All was silent. After a few minutes of futile waiting, I left and started wandering the halls looking for my classroom. I knew what my teacher looked like because I had seen pictures from when my brother and sister had her as their teacher. I wandered around the now empty halls. Class had already begun and I had no clue where to go. I started to cry. Finally someone in the front office heard my sobbing and came out to help me. A large woman with white hair in a polka dot dress came to me and bent over. "What's wrong?" She asked The woman asked.

Blah donowheremyclassrois I wailed through my tears and face of snot.

"You don't know where your classroom is? Aww that's ok, Who's your teacher?"
Another woman came out. "Aww what's the matter?"
"He doesn't know where he's supposed to go." The first lady told her.
Fuck, I had created a scene
"Oh, that's ok, we'll find your teacher for you." She assured me.

They brought me into the office. I had stopped crying but was all read faced and teary. there were some kids in the office doing asskiss work for their teachers and they were all looking at me funny. I felt like a fucking dick.
"Who is your teacher? "
"Mrs. Weiss" I said quietly
OK we'll take you right down there."
The women in the polka dot dress took me by the hand and led me down the hall.
We got to the classroom and she lightly knocked and pushed open the door.
"We've found one of yours." the lady said.
I sheepishly entered the classroom, all the kids were sitting on the floor in circle staring at me. I felt like a fucking dick.
Then I saw the smiling face of Mrs Weiss and I felt better.

"You must be Ted" She said. I was wondering where you were, I made this name tag up for you and it was just sitting here all alone."
Wow, cool, a tag with my name on it except it was cooler than a tag. It was a necklace made of yarn with a paper apple attached to it with my name written right there. It was very impressive. I proudly looked at the apple and put it around my neck. I was in school, the big time. I had a name tag and everything.

"Take a seat Ted we were just reading a story." the woman in the dress smiled and waved goodbye. I smiled back and sat down. Mrs. Weiss began to read about a frog.
The trauma was over. I lived. Steven on the other hand never quite occupied the same lofty spot in my heart or that of my mother after that. My mom was upset when she found out what had happened but I told her. "What did you expect? You trusted a ten year old that throws clumps of dirt at moving cars for fun." You're decision making is now suspect." I was a very direct child.

When i picked up my son after his first day yesterday I asked him how his day was.

"Boring" he said. Boring.

Trust me kid, I said, You don't want an exciting first day, "

Then I punched him for having it so easy.