TED'S RAISON D'ETRE: SCHOOLING A WORLD OF DIPSHITS

Ted had a mini confrontation tonight. It wasn't a big deal, but it was still important and if you want to know who Ted really is, this will let you know. Sure I'd been drinking, isn't that when all the good shit happens?

My wife and I had just had a lovely dinner with friends but they are lightweights and retired early so we went out for a few after dinner cocktails. We went to a bar near me that is known for being a little more upscale. It's just a regular fucking bar but in this semi redneck town in Connecticut, a bar with a great beer selection is, by default, upscale. Anyway, I had just finished leading my wife through the crowd to a nice spot at the bar. I was only behind one guy so I could still easily be seen by the bartender. The guy in front of me kind of shifted position so I bullied my way up the Bar as I am wont to do, and asked for our drinks. The service was great, I got our beers, tipped the bartender, turned around and starting having a nice chat with my wife. All was normal, well and peaceful. Then a girl grabbed me from behind.

"Hi Boo Boo!" I heard, as a pair of thick girl hands landed on the shoulder muscles on both sides my neck. I felt the hands land and they began to rub their way across my broad, manly, shoulders. I quickly turned around to find out who the fuck was calling me boo boo and who was rubbing my shoulders in front of my wife. I expected to see some lonely mom, you know, one of the lonely, miserably bored idiots I've been promising to throw a good fucking to for a while, but when I turn my head. The only thing I saw was the smiley, gaped mouthed, porcine face of a dumb, fat, drunk, chick. She opened her sub mental mouth and spoke in a cloying, somewhat beg of a voice.

"Would it be OK if your wife got up and gave my friend back his barstool?"

"No" was my answer. And I turned back around to face my wife.

The voice spoke again.

"You won't give up the barstool? The girl asked incredulously.

"My wife is there now and she's not getting up." I said.

I then saw a face I'm very used to. It's the shocked face of an asshole that expects people to just roll over and give them whatever they want because that's what they're used to. I live to make idiots like this eat shit, not any shit, but my shit.



As I was listening to the girl whine about how mean I am and for being a dick, a young guy came up behind the area where my wife was sitting. Some words were exchanged, then my wife said, "Don't make a big deal out of this. He's being nice." and inexplicitly stood up and tried to give up her bar stool to the guy.

I flipped into murder mode.

"Nobody makes my wife get up." I said rather loudly.

"Who the fuck would make a woman get up out of a chair?" I said to the guy as he backed off like a little cowering puppy.

"What kind of a guy has fat chicks protect their seats?" There was no comment.

"I'm a man, I'm standing, why does this bitch need a seat?" I said pointing towards the young guy to his fat girl pal

The young guy slid wayyyy away

I looked at the fat girl behind me who had started the whole thing and said, "What kind of woman would ask a man to have his wife vacate her seat for another man? How fucking dumb are you? Seriously, just how fucking desperate are you to find a guy ? How fucking stupid are you?"

They quickly moved to another table.

Minutes later, my wife told me that she didn't even realize that it was insulting for someone to ask for her to get up. She just figured if someone asks to have their seat back, that you give it up. I said, "That's all nice baby and Jesus would like that shit N' all, but nobody, and I mean nobody... ever... makes you stand for them!

Nobody puts baby in the corner!"


After the little altercation we had fun


I'm a good date

my raison D'Etre... good beer, good times, protect the one's you love and put a serious woopin' on the evil fuckers of this world. Eliminate the stupid.

THIS IS WHY I BELIEVE IN THE DEATH PENALTY

I'm not a big fan of the power of the state to execute people, there's just too much room for mistakes but when you have two people this fucking stupid, I would have no problem if they were removed from the population. You don't have to electrocute them or strap them down for lethal injections, that's too dignified and orderly. Fuck ups like these two deserve less pomp, just fling them off a cliff or drop them into a bottomless pit somewhere. Better yet, if you don't want to take responsibility for offing them, let nature work for you and simply wedge them into a tight crevasse near the top of some frigid, isolated, mountain with no food or water. Whatever the method, these two dumb fucks have to go.



Anyway, these idiots tried to break into a house using a sharpie to disguise their stupid faces. They used Permanent Marker, with the emphasis on PERMANENT. A neighbor saw them and called cops telling the cops that two men in blackface were trying to break into a house. The two morons drove off before the cops arrived but were pulled over within minutes after matching the description of "Two fucking idiots with magic marker on their faces." Even your average cop could sniff out these criminals without much trouble.


Cop: "Are you the two men who broke into that house?"
Moron with batman logo on face: "Whatever would give you that idea my good man?"

See what I did there, I gave the moron an English accent. Now that's comedy.

I like how the one guy went all batman/Ace Frehley on himself while the other guy was obviously one of those kids that never learned to color within the lines. He just went all freestyle on himself scribbling hither and dither on his dumb mug, in the end proving what a true rule breaker he really is. No law of man nor art will hold him back. He does what he wants, he's the ultimate rebel. Budweiser should do a real man of genius commercial for him.
Here's to you, Mr. permanent marker disguise face man!

TED GETS COMPUTER BACK JUST IN TIME TO RANT ABOUT YANKEES

Ahh fuck it, it's 1 game, who gives a shit. That Philly fucker pitched a good game last night and if you're gonna go down like a bunch of nutless eunuchs, better do it with enough time to find your balls. Much better to have the shit parade rain on your useless head in game 1. Now all we have to do is pound Pedro into the fucking dirt tonight. Burnett can't at all suck either. But enough baseball crap, I must give props.

A big thanks goes out to my man in Cherry Hill, Ted Dreadful. Muchas gracias for fixin' this bitch up. It's workin' all nice N' shit. You my dawg T!

TED HANDICAPS THE WORLD SERIES

Fuck the Phillies. Yanks in 6

ONCE AGAIN, WHY ONLY DOUCHEBAGS USE LOL

My bro JPM wrote in the comments of my last post about how prevelant and annoying the use of LOL is on facebook. I have written and had booze fuled tirades before about how annoying the LOL-ers of the world are but I love reiterating my hatred of annoying shit so I will once again break down the important work I've done analyzing the seemingly overjoyed cocksuckers that are, like a pack of lunatics, constantly laughing out loud.

Through all of my research I have found the ridiculous over usuage of LOL as a sign of three things:
1.Mental and physical laziness: first off, writing LOL saves time and is easier than actually writing a sentence or two so right away we have someone trying to take the easy way out of a response. It's a subtle way of saying I'm too busy to actually respond so here's a token of approval.

When someone writes LOL in response to something they read, are they actually trying to convince someone that what they read had them literally laughing out loud? I don't think so. It's used so often that it seems to connote cuteness rather than true laughing out loud. Like, "Oh, your kid said something about boobies? LOL! I acknowlge how boobie talk from a kid is cute and now I've payed homage to you and your kid without having to really write anything. That's just being lazy and disingenous. It's meant as a compliment without having to go through the trouble of actually giving one which leads me to #2.

2.The LOL as sucking up and Ass kissing device. You can almost track inferior people sucking up to those they deem as superior to themselves by how much a person LOL's someone else. It's actually a dead fucking giveaway of an inferior ass sucker. They're just lazy ass suckers. It's a modern form of a yes man. Some moderately funny person writes something and within minutes a gaggle of asskissers are LOL-ing. But just because the person has an army of sycophants quick to LOL his or her every post doesn't make that person an alpha male or shemale, it means they are bottom feeders that have collected a dunce pool of weak lemmings to befriend. It's like being king of all the LOL-ing dipshit nation.


3.Low self worth and poor rhetorical skills. Many people use the LOL as an addendum to something they just wrote as if they are so unsure of themselves and how others will view their statement that they have to tip the person off and alert them that what they just wrote was meant to be funny. Totally weak.

MORE FACEBOOK ANNOYANCE

I love bitching about the people I know on facebook. Lately I see a lot gals leaving annoying cryptic faux philosophical updates about their overly dramatic lives that they've filled with stupid choices and now I read about their 1st grade level observations that, "some people can't be trusted." Or That you should ,"mean what you say." I have 1 reply to both of those statements, FUCK YOU STUPID. Why should I heed advice from people that do really dumb shit and then bitch about the outcome? I learned that when I was 3, if you do dumb shit then bad shit happens. Duh muthafucka. Just deal with being a stupid person quietly, I don't need daily updates filled with moronic code and not so clever allusions reminding me of how fucking idiotic you and your estrogen filled decisions are. These are usually the same people that post daily horoscopes and motivational quotes. As Shakespeare said,"The fault lies not in our stars but in ouselves." These are also the same people who when faced with a decision always say,"Follow your heart." If I followed my heart there'd be a few dozen dead people buried in my backyard and I'd have every STD in the book. Stop reading the horoscope and try using your heads for something other than bobbing them up and down in some douche bags lap. Then maybe you won't have to keep alerting everyone to your daily, woe is me, retread childish announcements like,"life isn't fair." Duh bitch. It's even less so when you're a fucking idiot.

TED IS RIGHT AGAIN: YANKEES BEAT ANGELS IN 6 GAMES: BACK IN WORLD SERIES: ALL BECAUSE OF MY UNDIES

The Yankees are back in the fall classic after 6 years and you can thank my woredrobe.

I dressed carefully today. I had my white and blue long sleeve "Just do it" Yankee Tee shirt. I had my lucky, blue, east coast wrestling Tee shirt over that. I had my navy blue with navy blue striped addidas sweatpants but I couldn't find blue underwear. I dug through a pile of clean folded clothes I keep on a chest in my room but couldn't find any blue boxers. I dug through my underwear drawer no blue. I was clearly fucked, the Yankees would lose.

It was important to find a blue pair of undies. I stupidly wore a pair of maroon boxers the day of game 5 and the yankees lost. Maroon is close to the Angels color of red so obviously the loss was all my fault.

I searched and searched but the closest thing I had to Yankees colors were grey boxers. But Grey would be the Yankees away colors and this was going to be home game. Grey would clearly not do. I thought about going commando and having my schwantz rub against my sweats all day but that might be annoying or it might feel too good which would cause erection issues, so I did the only thing a severly supersticious lunatic could do, I dug through my dirty laundry, found a pair of blue underwear and wore those.That might sound gross but desperate times call for desperate measures. Besides, I smelled them, they were pretty clean and It's not like I'm a chick oozing all kinds of ungodly shit into my drawers. They just had a hint of eau de balls.
Anyway, I wore my dirty blue underwear proudly and the Yankees clinched a spot in the World Series. All Yankee fans can thank me ASAP.

TED VELVET: GREATEST EMBASSADOR FOR AMERICA

I've been meeting many foreigners lately and they all share one overriding conviction regardless of where they originally hail. They all firmly believe and boldly exclaim that Ted Velvet is the greatest American they've ever met.

I don't like to brag because it's un-american, but my vast and ridiculous knowlege of useless world history and global facts, actually comes in handy when you meet someone that originates from one of the shithole nations we Americans rightfully scoff at.
It doesn't really matter that I basically have no actual knowlege of these places, it's only important to know a few encyclopedia facts about wherever these folks come from. Let them know you've actually read about their joke of a nation and they will feel so greatful you've heard of their shitty little corner of the world that they'll offer you their children. This is becuase they're so used to meeting Americans that are complete ignoramous's.

Most of the Americans these poor souls meet don't even know what continent the U.S. Is on let alone where the fuck the black sea is so It's really not too hard to impress these sad, cock speaking, travelers.

Case in point: I was out having a few pints when I met a man from Zimbabwe who was shocked when I knew about The fuckhead Mugabe and white land owners being stripped of ownership and Zimbabwe's previous civil war when it was Rhodesia.After a while, I brought up the Mau Mau uprising in Kenya during the 195O's and the guy almost shit himself with joy. "Sure you can buy me a bunch of beers,I told me new white african buddy." Why not?The guy was all happy, he never wanted to let me go. But I had places to be and in the end I broke his sad afrikaner heart.

Never underestimate the gratitude a lonely foreigner will show you when you acknowlege that he comes from a place worth knowing.

I met a girl from Romania while waiting for my dry cleaning. She had a cool accent so I asked her where she was from, A little chit chat, a few moments talking about Bucharest the carpathian mountains, Moldavia, transylvania, Dracula The ottoman empire and the revolution against Nicolae Ceausescu and the commies and I'm pretty sure I could have filled her with my seed. "Are you a univerisity Professor?" she asked. "No, I'm Ted...Ted Velvet... American!" I said. I tipped my Yankee cap and walked out the door. I might be wrong but as I walked out I'm pretty sure I heard an egg pop off her ovary.

TED SHEDS A TEAR OF JOY

I have to say, everytime I see a big, fat, hillbilly white chick walking hand in hand with a strapping black guy willing to slum in order to attain his white prize, I see a future filled with the kind of racial equality that Dr. Martin Luther King could only dream of. Then I cry with joy and revulsion. Those scary trailer chicks, That poor brother, haven't their people been through enough?

TEN THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

10) My kids when they're not being assholes.

9) My wife under the same circumstances

8) Beer

7) A little how's ya father

6) A successful porkfest

5) A good song and dance number... oh wait, that's in my list of 10 things that make me feel like a homo

4) FREEDOM!!!!!!!

3) Being a mac daddy

2) Falling asleep in front of a fire after swilling mass quantities

1) Being right

ESPN'S STEVE PHILLIPS ALSO BROKE RULE #2 FOR CHEATING PUSSYHOUNDS: NEVER BOTTOM FEED

Yikes. I had been told by none other than the Diabolical Liz Markie and Mallach that the chick ex-Mets GM Steve Phillips was banging was fug but I didn't quite know how correct they were until last night. I had only seen a few shots of her on my blackberry and couldn't get a real sense of what she looked like but holy crap, I found out.

I was watching entertainment tonight last night, because I obviously live my life like #1 buku rockstar and they had a slew of photos of the insane skell Phillips was boning and man, she's nasty. Far be it from me to criticize someone's looks but she looks like something you'd find under a bridge eating goats. She looks like something a monkey would fling at you. She looks like something you'd find talking to itself at the bottom of a pit in Middle Earth. She looks like an extra from Where the Wild things are... Not Attractive.

Now this brings up another point where Phillips went wrong. He broke one of the most basic principals of skirt chasing, Never fuck anything on a lower rung than you. Always fuck your way up the food chain, never down.

The problem with bottom feeding is that it gives knuckedraggers hope and hope is the worst thing you can give to a sow. Hope is what sets up the lunacy that this hog let loose upon Phillip's life. It's what I call the CINDRELLA PRINCIPLE.

The Cinderella principle dictates that if you drag a troglodyte out of her hole and throw her a good fucking then she's gonna think she's the bell of the ball and want to hold onto her prince charming.

Let's face it, if you've seen pictures of the chick Phillip's was banging you have to acknowledge that very best she could have hoped for was maybe a random fingerbanging in dive bar from somone who looked like James Gadolfini. Instead, good looking, rich guy Steve Phillips came slumming along, payed attention to her, talked all purty, threw a burger down her gullet and dropped some spunk on her. She used to be happy in her hovel, now she wants the prince, the castle, the kids...everything. She was once content to gobble bricks of velveeta cheese, now she wants a table at Le Cirque. He fed the ugly, one eyed puppy and it followed him home. Big surprise. Big mistake.

Phillips should have chased hot poon with options. A smoking underwear model who can select which men she wants to have a romp with is a lot less likely to get fixated on and stalk a married 46 year old man. She might bang him to get over her daddy issues but eventually she'll want a younger man and move on.

The other good thing about fucking above your station is that when your wife eventually does catch you and you're living out of a suitcase at a motel six, you have fond memories. At least you can lay in bed and recall the blissful moments you raided some nubile bronzed babe's golden pagoda.

Fucking above your level also gives you better odds of being forgiven. No wife can really blame a guy for scoring top shelf poon. They eventually take a look at the other woman and admit that she was hot and that you really had no choice. In the end, If your wife really loves you and wants you to be happy then they can't, in the end, begrudge you and your penis the joy of ravishishing some upper tier strange. This troll that Phillips mucked about with is another story.

Fucking a cow like her will only make your wife feel worse that you valued her so little you were willing to throw her away for a few horny moments with a beached manatee and will, without a doubt, guarantee a divorce. I can hear his wife right now, "how could you risk your family for that?" "How could you choose that god awful mess over me? Get the fuck out!"

Next time you want to play in the pig pen take a second to think and take a second to ponder whether ms piggy's hole is worth the trouble. Then go find some porn, jerk off and save your life.

TED IS SAD, FEELING BLUE

The Yankee game last night just about killed me. Some bad pitching by the Yanks, 7 runs in a playoff game are 3 too many. Fucking unacceptable. I called the series for the Yankees in 6 so I hope,as usual,that I'm right. Nick Swisher is fucking killing this team. Phil Hughes can also put a gun in his mouth and eat it. These guys let the team down bigtime, To come back from a 4 run deficit to a 6-4 lead just to give it right back in the bottom of the inning is brutal and made my anger center switch into murder mode. If only I had a remote control with a death ray, there would be some dead ass Yankees. This game made me sad.

RULE #1 FOR MARRIED PUSSY HOUNDS: DON'T SHIT WHERE YOU EAT

One time NY Mets general manager, current ESPN commentator and major league gash afficianado Steve Phillips got caught with his birthmarked cock in the co-worker cookie jar. Not only is this the second time this dumbass has been caught fingering the corporate jam but this libidinous lothario chose a 22 year old moron to churn the butter with.

Steve Phillips is a 46 year old man so kudos to him for scoring 22 year old muffin but you should never put your bone or your career and family into the hands of a 22 year old gir,especially if she knows your real name. Every 46 year old wants to pilfer 22 year old poon but you have to be smart about it. We all know women are unhinged, emotional, lunatic life destroyers. This lunacy is multiplied the younger they are.The asshole Phillips chose is a such an unstable fucking wreck of a dumb bitch that she stalked Phillip's teenage son on facebook posing as a teenage classmate to try and garner information about the family. The mental case also showed up at his house, wrecked her car in their driveway and drove over Phillip's lawn after sticking a letter taunting Phillip's wife on their front door. Mr. Phillips, as the knight guarding the holy grail say's in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,"You have chosen poorly."

If Steve Phillips wanted to poke a around inside a wonderful twenty something's twain, then he should have overtipped a waitress, introduced himself as Treve Trillips from Francesylvania and fucked her in a bathroom stall at TGI Friday's. Instead he snacked on a baseball tonight biscuit who ratted him out to his wife got him suspended from ESPN and fucked up the guy's life. Not smart. NO poon is worth all that.

The girl wasn't even particularly attractive. That's another rule for the married cheater. If you're gonna fuck around and run the risk of getting caught, at least make sure the life destroying pussy is top shelf. As Joe Beningo said today on WFAN, "If you're gonna go down, at least go down swinging."

MEA CULPA....FOR NOW

So the Yankees came back with a nice win last night on the backs of the CC Sabathia A Rod show. I have to apologize for the vitriolic abuse I dished out after game 3 but let's be honest, anyone who watched game 3 had to be disgusted with what went on. I just let my revulsion and anger pour forth unchecked by any sense of sanity. Yes, I am a super fan. Anyway, good game by most of the team last night except Nick Swisher, who is quickly becoming my favorite thing to hate.Now let's go and wrap this fucker up in 5 games.

FUCKING YANKEES!

What an unclutch bunch of dickless cunts. Pettite is a fucking moron giving up a two run homer to Vlad Guererro a fucking guy who swings at the fucking flies that circle twenty feet over his head.

Girardi is an even bigger douche bag over managing his pen taking out a pitcher who's doing well to put in a guy who gave up the go ahead run the game before. Stupid motherfucker. He also Took out Pettie to have Joba come in and fuck the whole team in the ass with a 1 out triple. Asshole Joba, way to pitch cock.

Nick Swisher better sit his useless cunt face on the bench today. If I see that smoldering pile of shit strand one more runner in scoring position I'll hire a 500 pound convict to rape his useless ass untill his asshole falls out onto the floor.

Ok I'm fucking wicked pissed at that loss yesterday. A win today and maybe I'll rethink my anger. But if they lose I'm wishing a plane crash on theses gutless fucks.

TED'S MELTED MOTHERBOARD

So some might not believe that I fried the living fuck out of my ol' puter but it did indeed happen so I will do Lightning short posts filled with wit, whimsy and wisdom from my blackberry. Kind of like tweets that aren't gay or maybe one's that are extremly gay, I haven't decided yet.

Awesome, possibly gay, short post # 1
I drank the new Bud Lite wheat beer this weekend. Tastes like Bud Lite metamucil

#2
The Jets: 6 interceptions, 14 penalties, 16-13 loss to the Bills. What manner of beast or human does one have to sacrifice to eliminate the curse this team is under?

TED SETS HIS COMPUTER ON FIRE

I was working on my computer which was giving me some problems. I put in a new memory card and turned the computer on, Whirrrrrrr klacKkkkkk! I smelled the disturbing scent of burning knowledge and singed porn.I quickly yanked the cord out the back of the computer and peered into its burning guts. A scorched molten memory port smoldered and stank up my house. Fuck this I said. To hell with this technological crap, I don't need no stinking computer, I'm getting off the grid.

I'm tired of being plugged into the constant noise and unending mass media assault that is the internet. I'm going back to the way life used to be when I wasn't tethered to the monolithic time suck of cyberspace. I'm gonna enjoy my free time not waste it clicking away at the barrage of stupidity. I'm going to return to the days of enjoying people and embrace actual relationships.

I'm gonna live my life the way man was supposed to live. I'm gonna use my brain, read more books,slow life down. I'm going to reconnect with the physical world. I won't miss all this dependence on computers. I don't need any of this crap, I say as I type this into my blackberry. Somehow I used to manage to live my life happily before there were computers.

I'm gonna do what I used to do. I'm gonna read the newspaper everyday instead of pouring over endless news.blogs and no more cyber smut for me,no way. I'm just gonna do what used to work really well for me. I'm just gonna think about women I know and jerk off to them. Simple, unplugged, good ol' mental whacking. Fuck computers.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE GROUND! AND THE KID FROM OUT OF TOWN

I was watching the latest, very funny, Andy Samberg clip from SNL about an idiot who gets upset at the "man" and the "system" and throws whatever it is that angers him on the ground. It's very silly but it made me laugh and it also reminded me of a character I used to portray many years ago called, "The kid from out of town." The kid from out of town was a rebellious, misunderstood, sullen, outcast who in unexplained and sudden, fits of rage would violently throw whatever it was in his hand on the ground. It was rebel without a cause meets Luke Perry from 90210 meets this SNL video. I used to do it at work for a laugh. I'd say, "I just moved here from out of town." A friend would say, "oh yeah, how do you like it here?" Then, Totally avoiding the question I'd say, "My dad wants me to go to college but I say, I'm not your stooge Dad!' and then I'd throw something on the ground. Granted not as funny as the song but it was always pretty good for a chuckle. I should have patented the whole throwing stuff on the ground thing.
"I'm an adult!"

Andy Samberg - I Threw it On The Ground - watch more funny videos

I'M ALWAYS RIGHT: TED SEES THE FUTURE

This is what I wrote on Sept 27th about the Red Sox playoff chances. The Angels didn't steal as many bases as I thought they would but the rest is pretty much dead on.

"...As for the Sox, they seemed pretty content to lose to the yanks and take the wild card route through Anaheim. The Red Sox have owned The Angels in the past but I think this year just might be different. The Angels will run, run and then run some more against Red Sox catchers and the Red Sox have proven all year to be homers. They pretty much suck on the road and thanks to the Yankee sweep this weekend, will finish under 500 on the road. If the Angels take the first two in Anaheim all the home cooking in the world might not be enough for a sox team that seems to be lacking that killer instinct they used to have..."

IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES, IT WAS THE EVEN BETTER OF TIMES

The Yankees sweep the Twins and the Red Sox get swept by the Angels. You could say I had an awesome fucking day. On top of those two wonderful things the Patriots also lost. The only thing that could have made the day better would have been a blowjob from Scarlett Johansson while watching Fenway park get swallowed up by the Earth with all of the Red Sox fans still inside. I'll keep my fingers crossed. I knew the Yankees had a better chance of beating Boston in the Playoffs than they do in beating the Angels but I couldn't help but silently snicker in devilish glee as the Red Sox season got flushed down the shitter by their arrogant douchebag of an inbred closer, Jonathan Papelbon.

The true beauty of the day was that I got to witness the Red Sox season collapse while watching the game with my Red Sox fan brother-in-law in his Red Sox house with all his Red Sox memorabilia and his Red Sox blanket wrapped around him. I did not taunt, I did not rub it in, I just smiled went to the bathroom pumped my fist and quietly said, "Fuck yeah, muthafuckas suck a dick Boston." Then I quietly returned to the living room and continued being magnanimous in victory. Again, in a week's time I'll probably be wishing that the Yankees were playing the Sox but for now, this quenches the fires of my all encompassing Red Sox hatred. Right now, this is crazy, fucking sweet.


As for the Yankees. They had a lot of luck in this series against the Twins who over ran and blundered themselves out of big innings. The Yankees also had some big time, timely hitting against poor relief pitching. They didn't hit for shit against the starters but they took advantage of all the twins fuck ups and that's what good teams do. A-Rod for once was the money with 6 RBI's and Jeter also looked very good. On the downside, Johnny Damon was fucking dreadful and a waste of space and Nick Swisher outside of one double and two decent outfield plays also sucked a bag of dicks. If he doesn't come around in the first two games, Joe Girardi should sit his ass for a game. Start Brett Gardner and see if he can get on base and use his speed to fuck with the Angels.

Phil Hughes also worries me in the 8th inning, he looked like shit. I think when all is said and done, by the end of this series the 8th inning is gonna be back in Joba's hands. I think the Yankees have better relief pitching and a slightly better lineup. The Angels can hit but they have to string a lot of hits together to score. Tori Hunter is no #3 hitter and if you don't throw a strike to Vlad Guerrero he'll get himself out swinging at all kinds of garbage. The problem is all the other pesky fucks in that lineup. Still, the Yankees have a lot more power and can play small ball if they have to. The starting pitching is a plus for the Angels but the Yankees are close. It will come down to mistakes and bullpens. I know the Yankees always have problems with the angels but they took 3 out of the last 4 in the regular season which at least shows they can win in Anaheim. If they get good starting pitching, A-Rod stays hot and Teixeira picks it up a little, the Yankees will be tough to beat. I say Yankees in 6.

Blowing a two run lead in the ninth with two outs and no one on

That's a classic fuck up
For his wonderful work today
Papelbon joins the ranks of famous Boston choke artists
couldn't have happened to a bigger dick

OBAMA WINS PEACE PRIZE, RIGHT WINGERS SHIT THEMSELVES IN FURIOUS ANGER

It was just one week ago that the staff of Right wing rag, the National Review were dancing in the aisles with white overbite glee because the United States, Chicago and Barack Obama in particular had failed to the bring the Olympics to our shores. "The Ego Has Landed!" blared a headline from closet homo Matt Drudge's news blog, The Drudge report. Just one week ago every right wing pundit was laughing at Obama for his failure to woo the wussy Europeans into giving us an Olympics. They took a decision about where a bunch of games should be held and tied it around Obama's neck as proof that his coddling of terrorists and ass kissing of European elites and his egocentric overreach had failed. Remember, these are the people who always put America first, unless of course the president isn't a Republican and might be a shade darker than the other members of their club of four eyed, white, geeks. Then today we get news that Obama had surprisingly won the Nobel peace prize and the right wing filled their diapers with lefty hating, bloody stool.

The right went from their usual race themed insults, "I did not realize the Nobel Peace Prize had an affirmative action quota

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/10/09/obamas-nobel-prize-inspir_n_315167.html

." Erick Erickson from Red state
to the usual Obama has us on our knees like lap dogs, "... this 'award' the elites of the world are urging Obama, THE MAN OF PEACE, to... continue his intentions to emasculate the United States. They love a weakened, neutered U.S and this is their way of promoting that concept.

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/10/09/obamas-nobel-prize-inspir_n_315167.html

" Rush ( I've never even had so much as a pillow fight) Limbaugh

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/10/09/obamas-nobel-prize-inspir_n_315167.html

Now did Obama really deserve the Nobel peace prize? Probably not. He hasn't solved any major crisis yet. He hasn't bartered a peaceful end to a long drawn out war. He hasn't really had the time to do anything. But, and this is what the party that always touts American exceptionalism seem to forget, The neo-cons and the Cheney wing of the republican party did more to harm the united states in the eyes of the world community than they will ever know and the exceptionalism that republicans love to tout was, in the eyes of America's greatest admirers, destroyed by their actions. The rest of world viewed us not as exceptional but as an ignorant, thuggish, bully ready to trash our long held core beliefs for short term gains. Barak Obama won the peace price because he chose to look at U.S. foreign policy not like an 8th grader playing in the ball pit at MacDonald's against toddlers but as an equal partner. Barak's strength is that he isn't afraid to look like a pussy. He knows every speech he gives abroad will be viewed as weak kneed appeasement by the draft dodging, Rush Limbaugh's and war hungry neo-cons of the world. Iran acts tough and threatens war, the right wants to bomb them into submission forgetting the fact that a large chunk of the population hate the government in power. A sure way to bring solidarity between the dissident Iranians and Ahmadinejad is to start dropping bombs on civilians. Obama understands that small gestures can have a long reaching effect and that Respect is a two way street. He understands that being a great nation and a strong nation can also go hand in hand with being a wise, magnanimous nation. He understands that it is our ideals that make us exceptional not our ability to wipe countries off the map. Barak won the peace prize because in the eyes of those giving the award, he returned Americas exceptionalism. To the right, the award is a slap in the face to their world view and a repudiation of how they ran this country. They might hate Europeans but nobody likes to get a bad a review.

Now it will be interesting to see if after receiving the award he dumps more troops into Afghanistan or if he drops a few bunker busters on Iran's nuke sites. if I were him I'd take this award as a get out of jail free card and Surge in Afghanistan, kill a shit load of Taliban and Al Qaeda and then Blow up an Iranian reactor. Thanks for the award bitches, ka pow!. That would really piss the right wing off they wouldn't know what to attack him for, I'm sure they'd find some fault though. I still believe Afghanistan is only gonna get solved by bringing the Taliban into the fold and working out some sort of deal. That's what works everywhere else. Northern Ireland, Israel, Bosnia etc... Diplomacy...some concept.

GOD DAMN IT! STILL THERE

Can scientists do nothing right? First they tell me I come from an ape which completely contradicts what some jewish guys wrote in a scroll 3000 years ago, then they fail to obliterate that which vexes me most. NASA bombed the moon this morning but failed to destroy it completely. Will no one rid me of this meddlesome moon? You win again moon but my battle with you will rage on. So watch your ass!

DON'T YOU EVER DISS HANSON!

I was reading some list of annoying songs and all them were annoying to me save one. Mmmbop. Mmmbop is probably the greatest song ever written by people who didn't have pubes. I love that song, it's catchy as all hell, shit, I'm singing that shit now and it doesn't get more annoying the more you sing it, it gets better and better every time. It even had badass record scratching on it which gave the song some street cred. It was a fucking gangsta joint with the mmbop wicka wicka scratchin' shit. Hardcore muthafuckers. I don't even know what the hell they're saying but I don't care, I love me some Mmmbop. I'm gonna run a train on that song. Oh yeah, Mmmmbop, da da, mmmbop, skimmy wha, pa, mmmbop, dap dap, doo yeah. Fucking genius.

I will admit though, back in the day, when I first hear the song I thought it was for a new kids drink or yogurt pop or the theme to some kind of cartoon network or Nickelodeon show. But then I saw the video of them roller blading and taking a cab, pretending to drive a car, dancing on the moon, playing super imposed against a giant flower, playing in the parents living room, I understood the brilliance, the sheer majesty of a 12 year old female-ish looking kid waiting for his nuts to descend while singing his little heart out. Who could forget his punk little brotherwith his hair all twisted into braids decimating the skins. Those little twerps were like comets streaking across a pre-pubescent sky truly awesome crap. I miss you Hanson, why did you have to change? I turned around and mmbop you were gone. It's sad, but the song will always bring me eternal joy.

see Hanson the way they were meant to be seen

WHAT I WATCHED LAST NIGHT

I was flipping the channels around last night after happily watching the Red Sox eat a giant cock and came across a show on BBC America about small breasted women obsessing about their tiny tits. I thought that was my job. Even though the show was about tits, which are one of my top 2 favorite topics, these women were so insecure and annoying I could barely watch it. The whining about their boobs, the desire for implants, the taking of rack enlarging supplements was all kinds of ridiculous. If these girls want to be loved they first have to love themselves. I think Oprah told me that...and she's right. That's why I'm so well loved by so, so, many. I love myself so much I want to clone myself, and have a gay wedding with myself and maybe if I get drunk enough at my wedding, maybe get to third base with myself. I can only dream for the wonderful world of cloning and drunken, post wedding, self replicant coital bliss, but until then I'll just have to talk about the annoying boob show.

First off, the girls were all very good looking, one was model hot. The little asian chick up above had a very nice body and cute face and a nice outgoing personality and a boyfriend but she hated her flat chest. She didn't seem to get that when you're hot and you have small tits there are a million guys who happily bang you. Big tits, small tits, medium, who gives a shit? if you look good, have a pretty face, most your teeth, don't smell and have a working vagina, then 99% of straight men will happily jump your flat chested bones. Breasts are good enticers, like a neon sign, they attract attention and draw the man's eye toward the women and get us all worked up but that's pretty much it. They're fun to look at and touch but when it comes down to actual sex, they're really not that important to us... at least to me anyway. I love looking at a nice rack but when it comes down to the act, who cares. Give me a nice ass, a flat tummy, a pretty face, a gung ho, enthusiastic attitude, a no holds barred, do whatever the hell you want to me and I'm gonna give it right back, gusto and I'm sold. You could have the most perfect breasts in the world but if you act like you're doing me a favor or as if you'd rather be watching Dancing with the stars then bring on the slutty flat chicks. All I'm saying s this. To all the sexy Flat chested girls out there, I love you, for you. You're beautiful just the way you are. Now bend over and show me dat ass, Kapow!

Now I do have one caveat to the small breast thing. If a girl is overweight like a Rosie O'Donnell type. She better have a nice rack or she just ain't getting laid. Fat chicks with big breasts are a pretty good thing, they're easy and aim to please, fat chicks with no tits? kinda gross.

small tits show!

THE WORST SHITSUCKING CRAP

1) ATM fees over a dollar. I'll spend a buck to use your bank but C'mon man, 3 to 5 bucks to draw money from a fucking machine? Fucking Ridiculous.

2) Highway cops.

3) fat chicks who dress like they're skinny chicks

4) guys with mustaches

5) mom's who dress like teenagers

6) pre teens with frosted hair and jewelry. kill these little douchebags and their cock parents

7) guys who ride Harley's while wearing Harley outfits. Fucking tools

8) tribal tats

9) born again Christians

10) Oprah

11) Sarah Palin

12) Glenn Beck

13) tea partiers

14) any of those reality housewives shows. Why anyone would watch miserable, dumb, ugly whores act like retarded bitches on TV when you have to deal with them everyday in the wild is beyond me

15) Larry David on Hannah Montana

16) Massachusetts weddings (this weekend..ugh. Just fuck me right in the ass)

17) not getting blown by supermodels

18) my kids doing dumb shit

19) people who put inspirational quotes on facebook

20) salesmen

21) bankers

22) blue laws, actually, any rule that prohibits my drinking

23) Wal-Mart. unless I need to buy a wrench at 2:00 in the morning

24) Jimmy Buffet

25) Red Sox fans

26) being a Jets fan

27) coors light

28) cape Cod

29) Connecticut pizza

30) rednecks

31) Fox news

32) ESPN

33) people who think having dogs is comparable to having kids

34) mosquito bites

35) people who drive hummers or jack up their trucks. Le douche bags

36) trannies: pick one sex and run with it

37) winter

38) Olive garden commercials

39) pick up truck commercials especially the ones with Howie Long

40) Brett Favre

42) Joe Morgan

43) the NFL on TV: commercials much?

44) catching grief from my old lady

45) cranky ass

46) No world series ring since 2000

47) when a cricket gets in the house

48) walking behind slow fat people

49) listening to mom's talk about their kids

50) mother's in law

51) colds

52) driving behind old people

53) Nancy Grace: crazy eyed hillbilly vigilante

54) anime

55) broke back mountain

56) Ed hardy

57) wearing a tie

58) current country music

59) US economy

60) not holding dominion over all I survey

28 THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT TED

1) I'm in love with the girl at the Taco Bell. She's young, she's blond, she's got round boobies, she's got all her teeth and she gives me my tacos. That's enough.

2) Hot drinks make no sense to me. By the time you can drink them without scalding your tongue or lips they are no longer hot so what's the fucking point?

3) I've got the spelling and math abilities of a 1st grader

4) I was kneed in the face by a pedophile priest during a football game when I was 13. The same priest was defrocked 10 years ago and recently died. Fuck him.

5) Once woke up with a live squirrel on my chest

6) Can't play an instrument

7) can't ski

8) can't skate

9) can't drive backwards

10) suck at basketball


11) Never knew what color my eyes were until I got my drivers license and the women behind the counter told me. I never even thought about it before.

12) put a chip in my flat panel TV screen the day I got it by throwing a screw driver at it because I was mad at the Yankees

13) Still have the souvenir bat I got at my first yankee game in 1976. .

14) failed gym in the 11th grade

15) was co-captain of my high school lacrosse team even after I called my coach an, " uptight Homo"

16) got Montezuma's revenge in Mexico

17) I hate ravioli and lasagna

18) paid for a flight home from Seattle with quarters

19) wrecked my wife's company car

20) pissed into the canals of Venice

21) can't grow a beard

22) can hold my breath underwater for almost two minutes

23) physically unable to bite into a peach

24) came in 2nd in a writing contest sponsored by Smirnoff ice. Won a volley ball set

25) got into a fist fight over whether or not to put walnuts in brownies. I was pro-walnut

26) never had sushi

27) made out with an 8th grader and felt my first boob when I was 11.

28) cried ( a small tear) at the end field of dreams

FINALLY

You shall brighten my night sky no more you heinous glowing ball of annoyance and tides. NASA has finally decided to take all the trillions in tax dollars they've been wasting since the 1950's and do something useful. They're finally going to bomb the moon. Hopefully they'll fuck up and destroy the whole thing. I'm sick and tired of having that Goddamn orb following me everywhere. When I go out at night to peep in windows, I have to wonder, "Is it a full moon tonight? Will I be spotted? " Who needs that crap? I say destroy the fucker! Enough with its effect on water, yanking it up and down with its magnetic pull. who needs that crap? Tides are bullshit. Kudos to you scientists at NASA. Bomb away and leave no hunk of that useless rock floating in my night sky. When the moon is finally just a memory maybe NASA will put something cool up there like a casino.

NASA To Bomb The Moon

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OY FUCKING VEY LARRY DAVID ON HANNA MONTANNA SO UNFUNNY IT HURTS MY BRAIN

This is what happens when you spoil your dumb kids. This just goes to show what stupid dad's will do to earn the love off their asshole daughters. This is probably the most painful shit I've watched since I saw half a minute of Moulin Rouge. Lame jokes, canned laughter, Larry David? What the fuck? And I usually don't make fun of how ugly a kid is especially when they're in the awkward tween years, but holy fug. Those girls are nasty looking. I don't want to cast aspersions upon an entire race of people especially one whose women I once enjoyed fooling around with but Larry's daughters, especially the older one, be some ugly Jew broads. Of course I use the term ugly Jew broad as pro semetically as I can. There's plenty of good looking Jews, just not these two.

I'm not trying to be mean to the kid, I'm Just saying the older girl looks like she got whacked in the mush with a 400 pound Torah.

LADY GA GA AND MADONNA SHARE A LOVE OF DANCE MUSIC , GAY CULTURE AND THE INABILITY TO ACT

First off, let's get the most important thing out of the way, I would totally bang Lady Ga Ga (from behind) She am scary looking but her ass is a ripe plum, waiting for Little jack Horner, aka, me to stick my thumb in it. Definitely her best attribute. Point #2 She's more talented than Madonna as far as singing or music goes. If I was a flaming shirtless gay man covered in glitter and wearing tight shorts, blowing a whistle and inhaling amyl nitrite, power bottoming my evenings away in sperm stained dance clubs, I'd much rather dance with other gay men to lady Ga Ga's infectious dance crap than Madonnas. Point #3 Lady Ga Ga and Madonna both went to the school of holy shit we suck at acting. The Ga Ga showed up in two sketches over the weekend and pretty much sucked ass in both. She's got the whole, too obsessed with herself to step outside herself to be any good at acting thing that Madonna has. This shit ain't funny yo.

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

LOCAL POLITICS...THE TED WAY

Ted's been getting into his local political scene in the way only I can, by being a total dick. Sunday afternoon I went out with the family to our local town's fall festival all the people running for local office were there handing out their fliers and other shit and asking me for their vote. I was walking past one man who asked if he could speak to me about voting for him so he could sit on my local board of education. I asked him, "Why should I vote for you? What do you have to do with education?" "Well," he tells me, "I'm a business man, I've got a back round in engineering and science and I've traveled the world and have seen the expanding global economy and I understand that the only way for our children and our country to compete and attain a successful future in the global economy is to have a highly educated populace especially in math and the sciences."

"OK" I say, Good answer. Are you a Republican or a Democrat?

"I'm a lifelong Republican"

"Mmmm, that troubles me a little." I say
"Why?" He says
"because your party is made up almost entirely of fucking retards."
The guys eyes popped out of his head and he leaned forward as if he hadn't quite heard me right.
"You see" I continued, "I liked your answer, but I fear your asshole party. Do you believe in evolution?"
"Yes." He said
"How old is the world?
"Millions of years old"
"Did dinosaurs live and walk amongst men?"
"No."
"Is global warming real?"
"Yes."
"Would you allow an anti-Darwin, creationist to sit next you on the school board and change standards?"
"Over my dead body."
"Sarah Palin?"
"Not qualified."
"Very well sir, you might just be telling me what I want to hear but I believe you. You have my vote."

He laughed, slapped me on the back we shook hands and parted.


Ted's Political wranglings moved a little further to the darkside around 5:30 Monday evening. I was driving home, going through the upper middle class white enclave of Cheshire when I saw a small gathering of fat, old glory bedecked, simpletons marching up and down the sidewalk holding signs that read, "What would Jefferson do?" And "Keep Government out of healthcare." and Ban Obamacare" And "Honk if you're with us." Now these people were near a corner of a major intersection during rush hour so the traffic was moving slow. This enabled me to roll down my window and engage the lesser humans that stank up my sidewalk for a minute.

"Hey, nice pants!" I yelled out the passenger window to the obese man wearing red and white striped American flag, Joey Buttofucco pants. "Thanks man!" He yelled back.
"Yeah, you look really good desecrating the flag with your big fat skid marked ass you fat bastard." He gave me a look like he was gonna cry, I flipped him off and rolled up about 25 feet, My attention was captured by a couple of women holding, No government healthcare signs.

"Excuse me ladies!" I yelled. "I just wanted to say, my 4 year old son is smarter than all of you idiots combined and he's retarded. By the way, you're all very ugly. " I then maturely gave them a big "whoo hoooo!" and flipped them off as well. I heard them yelling shit but couldn't discern what it was, for it was monkey shit coming from monkey brains. I moved on to the corner to the red light, I was the first car so I only had one or two insults left before the light would change. The last few stragglers of this tea party were slowly moving, holding upside down amercian flags on poles. "Hey, nice mullet!" I yelled to one droopy eyed sad sack. The two men looked over at me and gave me their best angry and scary patriot looks. "Which one of you fellas is Glenn Beck's bitch?" The light changed. "Alright time to go" I yelled, "tea bag this dipshits!" I said pointing down to my crotch. "White power! I yelled and held my hand up in a fist which of course, I changed into the middle finger. "HA HA Ha! I laughed aloud as I turned the corner. I heard a feint "fuck you!" What I didn't hear was a single honking horn the whole time I was rolling past those clowns.

MILF, IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER

I'll admit it, there's something about a good looking women who has either expelled a child from her jelly jar or had one yanked from her gut that kind of gets Ted's motor running. Sure they've been partially ruined and sure some other man has dropped his inferior seed where mine should have been planted first, but these are just small complaints, mere nuisances. The thing about these ladies is this; they are bored senseless and dying to have someone as special as myself do bad things to them. I don't mean to brag because it is against my nature to show conceit but if I weren't a married man, I'd easily rake all of the lonely ladies into a giant pile of stretched out poon and jump right the fuck in.

Mom's might get overly caught up in the mothering thing and get sidetracked showing more interest in whatever dumb crap their children are up to than they do in performing fellatio, but with the right nudging, the proper amount of attention from a devil may care Lothario such as myself, they can quickly regain their old form and revert back to being the knee calloused, hotdog loving tramps they were in college.

The other day I was at the park with my son, a young boy started talking to me about my sweatshirt. "My dad has the same sweatshirt." He said, "except it's got different writing on it."
Now I like to confuse kids when I talk to them so I went into a nonsensical spiel.
"Oh, so your going with, it's the same exact thing only totally different ploy. Trying to find some sort of unanimity amongst sweatshirts. I see what your doingthere, that's cool, run with that. I like your egalitarian bent. "
The kid look baffled, as he should have. But from a few feet away I heard a womanly giggle. I looked over and saw a stunning mom smiling at me like I just gave her a Hershey kiss. She was tall, dark haired, very pretty. She was thin and athletic looking wearing a black fleece and black, very tight, sweatpants.
Bingo!

My son started playing with her two sons. We began a nice chat full of laughs, eye contact and boners, when out of nowhere my son's friend and mom show up. I know the kid and mom well so I say hello and and she comes over. "Fuck!" I say to myself, I'm gonna get cock blocked by a chick. She approaches and pauses wondering if she is interrupting something forbidden and magical. She tried to inconspicuously attain whether the hot lady and myself already know each other. Just a few steps away from a dirty janitorial building Had I been given given a few more minutes without interruption, I might have "known" her a lot better.

The two women begin to sniff each other out each trying to scrutinize and ascertain what place they hold within my sphere of vagina. The second mom also brought two girl friend mom's with her that I know a little so I began to make small talk with them as well. I was less than happy but what I thought would be a cockblock soon turned into the makings of a quail swarm.

Let me explain. A quail swarm is a scientific experiment that shows when a male has one female, he is likely to garner more attention from other females. It's the old wedding ring attracts more ladies axiom. In the Quail test, a stuffed male quail is put in a field surrounded by living female quails and is completely ignored by the females. The scientists then put two stuffed female quails next to the stuffed male and all the other real quails begin to swarm the stuffed male. It's the belief of higher worth. If one female sees you as having a higher worth than other females may as well. In my case, women are just as stupid as quails because I have no higher worth but they think I do so hooray for stupidity.

So My one on one turns eventually turns into a 5 on one. We all end up sitting together on the warm black bouncy carpet that encompasses the playground like 15 year old's at summer camp. I hold court and tell utter ridiculous stories of nun beatings, vomiting, car wrecks and speed induced panic attacks. The hottie invites me out to a beer tasting, another chick wants to come see my band while another women with an obvious vision disorder calls me a "Pretty boy." The time flies we all say goodbye. I go home and tell my wife what a stud I am and how lucky she is to be married to me. Out of the corner of my eye I see a naked guy running out of my house.

DAVID LETTERMAN: SUPER HERO

I always liked David Letterman now he's my personal God. He fucks a bunch of his female staffers, when someone ties to blackmail him he just announces it on air. Big deal, I fuck chicks, I'm a man. Fuck you. Now I would imagine there would be some sort of rules against banging your employees and it's pretty stupid because it puts you in a vulnerable position but heck, if women are there throwing themselves at you, it is not only natural to take advantage of the situation, it's required. Letterman even had the giant balls to tell his tail of pervy workplace humping to his live audience, "I know what you're saying," he said. "I'll be darned, Dave had sex." In describing the extortion plot Dave took the opportunity to mock himself, "My response to that is yes, I have. Would it be embarrassing if it were made public? Yes, it would, especially for the women." Now Dave's been in a relationship with the mother of his son since 1986 but he only married her last march. So all he did was cheat on his girlfriend and create a workplace environment that probably made females feel uncomfortable, big deal.

Every man knows there's really nothing as wonderful as boning someone you work with...until of course you're not boning them anymore and you still have to work with them and they hate you. But even when those once sunny, flirtatious, smiles turn to glares of disdain and even after the ego pumping laughs that once flowed readily at even your lamest quips have long since dried up, you can always think back to the times you were making them do unseemly acts upon your personage. There's nothing better than looking at a girl who now despises you and thinking about how she once begged you to put it in her stinky place. David Letterman knows the exultant joys and the painful misery of workplace coitus and he's proud to admit on national TV. So here's to you Dave. You are a man amongst men. A king, a God. Keep up the good work.

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/10/01/david-letterman-extortion_n_307221.html

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/10/01/david-letterman-extortion_n_307221.html

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T START A BAND

More trouble than it's worth. What starts as an idea to just have fun and play music always turns into a semi-disastrous job and money sucking cockfight. Case-in-point, my band was out playing a gig a few months ago a few cute chicks keep requesting the classic Irish song, I'll Tell me ma. I tell the girls after the gig that we'll learn the song and play it the next time we play that bar. Now, I'll tell me ma is a little on the light side for our band so we have a practice and come up with a pretty cool, punked up, Ramones-ish rendition of the song. The guitar player plays our version of it for a guy he knows that has a record label. The guy likes it says, record it and we'll put it out on a wax 45. OK, cool we all say. Guitar player says, "Hey, I know a guy from a somewhat famous 70's punk, who wrote some semi-famous punk anthems, maybe we can get him to play guitar on the record." Cool, we all say. Old punk guy likes the song says, sure, I'll play on it. We record the song send it off to old punk. He does his thing sends it back to us. Problem is, old punk's playing isn't what it used to be and his solo's are all out of time and kind of whacked. We go back into studio tinker with his recording, record our own solo's we leave some of his stuff in there, re-mix it and Send it back to old punk. He get's pissed that we're changing his shit. Doesn't want his name involved in the recording if any of his stuff is cut out. So we have a meeting, say fuck it, it is what it is, we thought it would be cool to have the guy play on it, he played on it, so let's keep it. So we go back into studio, fix as much of his shit playing with studio magic, leave almost all of his playing in it in and bag our own solo's and re-mix it again. So now we've spent boatloads of time in a studio spending money to put out a wax 45 of a song that none of us like too much anymore and no one will buy. And I'm an asshole because I never really liked the key I sang the song in, it's a little low for me but I let it go and now I wish I would have spoke up cause I think it would have worked better in higher key. But on the plus side for the B- side we zipped off a pretty snappy version of Farewell to Nova Scotia with the Tarbolton reel intermixed amidst the rock. It pretty much kicks ass.

Here's a good punk version of Farewell to Nova Scotia by the Real MacKenzie's ours is better... or maybe it isn't



Here's the tarbolton reel