THE THINGS TED DOESN'T "GET"

Back up dancers

Why do pop singers that work in the dance genre always have to have 3 or 4 or 15 dancers behind them doing the same exact thing? Madonna, Janet Jackson, Beyonce, Brittney, they all do the same exact thing. Sing a song, dance around with 5 dancers better than them aping their moves. Kinda old, kinda stupid, don't get it.

Married with children

Now I know this is show is old and not very important in the big scheme of things but I basically harangued my cousin's wife this weekend over her appreciation for it. "How can you like this idiotic shit?" I asked incredulously. "I like it because I don't have to think." Her husband comes in, I ask him the same question, "I like it cause I don't have to think." Now this confuses me because generally we all laugh at the same shows and movies and I wouldn't say any of them make my brain kick into high gear. But I let them explain how awesome a show it is because of all the non-thinking it enables. Again, I don't get the not thinking thing, but I'll trust them and take them at their word that liking this show requires a non thinking brain. I'm no genius but I think the task of not thinking to enjoy a pile of crap is not in my portfolio. I like to keep my wheels spinning and if I'm watching something that insults my limited intelligence I don't laugh, I get mad. I like stupid humor but I don't like humor that is stupid. I always thought this show, with it's telegraphed setup's, hackneyed punchlines and canned laughter could only be appreciated by sub-moronic dipshits but time and time again, people I actually like, tell me they like this pile of crap. Now either there's something wrong with me,
( there isn't) or I'm I'm too much of a snob ( sheer ludicrousness bordering on the preposterous)
or the people I like are just a lot dumber than I thought they were ( possible), or maybe, there's a third choice. Maybe it's just subjective and these people have valid reasons for enjoying it, (I hate this third option by the way) but maybe there's just something about this asshole, cock in the mouth show I just don't get .

NASCAR

Cars going really fast in a circle for a few hours while rednecks watch and get drunk. I get the premise, I get the explosions and the speed, I just don't get why anyone would give a shit.
I like car crashes as much as the next guy but as a sporting event to watch on TV or a thing to travel to go see live, I just don't get it.

Anime

Japanese animation on Japanese shows. I don't get why anyone would watch this crap. It's the most god awful, flat, choppy, cold looking shit. My kids are stupid but even they're not stupid enough to watch this shit. I don't get what the fuck a pokemon is or a bakugon or an Avatar, any of it. As soon as I see a freakishly huge round eyed cartoon character I change the channel. I've sat through a couple of shows with my kids and was as confused about whatever the hell was going on as they appeared to be. Leave it up to the crazy ass Japanese to invent a form of animation so lifeless and bizarre. This should earn them another nuking.

Men's designer jeans

This was discussed at my house over the weekend. I am the least fashionable person I know, I wear Levi's that cost 30 bucks and I think I have a pair of Eddie Bauer jeans I don't wear. That's all I really need in the jeans dept. Men shouldn't need sissified fancy jeans. Gay, don't get it.

BIG FAT LADY HAS BIG FAT BABY

Some lard ass in Minnesota just crapped out this 15 1/2 pound kid. After the kid came out a minivan also flopped out of her 55 inch vagina. They named him Axel as in how much axel grease did it take to pull this fat little bastard out of his mother's ass?

BOOZE AND FOOD, FOOD AND BOOZE AND THEN SOME BOOZE

Well, still alive after cramming and swilling and then swilling and heaving and swilling some more. Long mofo weekend. I ate and drank more crap in the last 5 days then I had in 5 months. Thanksgiving, my son's birthday party, my cousins, my in laws and my appetite for destruction all played a part in making me now feel like a bloated boozebag. Still, I had a pretty swell time. I Had thanksgiving dinner at my sisters house on thursday. Foolishly, I arrived on an empty stomach and drank a lot more than I ate, which turned out to be not such a great thing. If you happened to be behind my car on I-91 north around 10:00 pm thanksgivings night, well, you just may have received a little bit of Ted's special, chunky, red wine and turkey regurgitation on your windshield. Sorry about that, my bad. Beer and a few bottles of Pinot Noir on a mostly empty stomach didn't work out so well for ol' Ted, but like a trooper, I rallied on Friday in time for the visit from cousin uncle Kyle and his extra sweet, extra mammalian, wife and my Bro. The big K brought his wife's delicious leftover turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes so we all made some juicy sandwiches. Many drinks were had, more snacks and food and mounds of pigs in blankets eaten, Anchorman was watched, laughter ensued, more beers were drunk, then it goes black. My cousin and I wake up on our respectful couches around 3:45 am, clean up the array of empties and assorted filth, go to our beds and snore and fart until sat morn when it's time to eat a pound of turkey bacon (always thinking of my health) clean myself and my house and get ready for my son's, bowl-o-Rama 5th birthday party. Kyle and Bro go out, I eat a bacon on toast sandwich, Kyle and bro come back with donuts, I eat two. Time to bowl.

The Bowling is fun but there is no booze sold at this particular bowling alley until 4:00 pm which blows but they have pizza... shitty pizza so I only have 1 slice, I have to leave bowling alley mid frame to pick up post bowling party deli trays and food and beer and return home to start setting up for the drinking and eating. 4:35 eating and drinking re-ensues. As advertised there's drinking and eating and college football and cake and ice cream and food and beer. Somewhere around 2:00 am, I eat two ham sandwiches, wake up my cousin, swill my last beer and go to bed. My son is in my bed awake and crying about a cramp in his leg, I stay up talking with him until he konks out from motrin at 3:30am. Wake up sunday around 10:30, sit around, eventually pick up lunch, eat more shit, watch the jets actually win a game. Say goodbye to cousin and wife at 4:30. Watch more football, eat more stuff. 1:30 am I write this andI go to bed. Tomorrow I will give myself an enema with fire hydrant, sit in sauna for 6 hours, practice anorexia and re-introduce myself to the gym.

ON SECOND THOUGHT...MAYBE I SHOULDN'T PLAY GIRAFFE WITH THIS PERSON

I was watching a little youtube video of this enormous supposed female person and I definitely got the tranny vibe. Now you can never really be 100% sure about these things just from pictures or video but if there's one thing in this world I don't ever want to do by accident or otherwise is play naughty silly sex games with a pre-or post-op tranny. No matter how you slice it, that's still a man, man! Watch the video and you decide. The face, the jaw, the shoulders, the stomach way too dude looking like for this non homo of a man.

SHE'S NOT MY SPECIAL LADY , SHE'S MY FUCKING LADY FRIEND!

There's at least one thing this dude can get for his special lady friend for Christmas. My lady friend should love this enough to sleep in it every night like every other stupid T-shirt I give her. It increases the chances of conception after a zesty little enterprise of sex, or coitus...log jammin. Now fuck off And stay away from my special - from my fucking lady friend, man!

NOW THIS SHIT AM FUNNY

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=350281171489&rvr_id=&

Look at the 3rd and 4th songs. That's my old 90's band. In the famous words of W.C. Fields, "I would never want to buy a compilation CD that had my band on it." The crazy bastard selling it wants 30 bucks for. Good luck with that. You'll be lucky to get a dime.

TED DROPS THE SCIENCE

My feverish mind is always working on ways of blowin' up and gettin my hands on the big stacks. The hip hop game is what I'm talkin about. I got mad skillz yo. I raps about the life...the life of a 42 year old white playa in rural Connecticut. I bring the real yo about the mean country roads of central Connecticut where you either play, or git played. I've been a busy writing some dope ass jams lately so I thought I'd share my latest joint with you.

It's called "Rakin' Piles"


I drink mad bottles of Miller High Life
I got wood every morning so I roll on my wife
I takes out the garbage and I rake the leaves
a yardworking muthafucker you's all better believe

bought mad bags at lowes and home depot too
me so horny for leaf bags like the 2 live crew
I flashed some mad loot- for a new leaf blower
my leaves are falling slow and my leaves are falling slower!


yeah, c'mon all ya bitches rake some leaves wit me
I throw you five bucks- you fall on your knees
you love that shit- you say pretty please
but you don't gotta suck it, just bag them leaves
c'mon ya fuckin' bitch just bag them leaves

cuz I got's, paper bags and crazy rakes
My favorite kinda butta is from land-o-lakes
I see a leaf on a tree and I pull my nine
I'm blastin acorns and oak leaves cuz they waste my time

yeah, c'mon all ya bitches rake some leaves wit me
show your ass crackin' thong in the autumn breeze
no doubt them bags get heavy so lift with ya knees
rakin' piles makes you juicy- sex you up with ease
rakin' piles wit the style of the L.L. beans

I got's-one last thing before I go
ya got's ta love rakin piles with a big ass ho
I plop her down on the ground and don't ya know
pimps up, ho's down- now it's time fo snow
yeah, pimps up- ho's down- shovel all that snow
awww yeah ya trick ass bitch shovel all that snow

HOLY CRAP

This is the worlds tallest bikini model, Eve. She's almost 7 feet tall and makes doggie style impossible without a ladder. I'd give this amazon a go though. Why not? It would be an amusing and somewhat daunting task to pull off. I would be at my best behavior though. Don't want to anger the she colossus. She might go all Shaq on my ass and dunk my little bitch ass through a hoop. It would actually be fun to role play with her. We could play silly little games like baby boy, where she would carry me around like a baby and nurse me and put powder on my heiny, then we could play, "angry child" and she could throw tantrums in a little girls outfit and toss me around like I was her little ragdoll. Then we could play "lonesome cowboy" where I ride her like a horse on the prairie but I'm so lonely that my only outlet is my leggy horse. Then we'd play the most fun game ever, "Girraffe" I'd put a bowl of water on the floor and pretend to be a lion waiting in the bush, then she would have to try to drink from the bowl without bending her legs like a giraffe. Once she's in that precarious position, lapping from her water bowl I'd pounce and devour her. Roarrrr! Oh the games I could play with my enormous, gigantic super freaky giantess, Eve.

DISTURBING DOCUMENTARY

I watched HBO's, "Terror In Mumbai" about the 2008 Jihadist assault on Mumbai India. It is one chilling film. Over 170 people were killed and 300 wounded in a three day period by squads of young terrorists recruited from the slums of Pakistan and trained by the terrorist organization, Lashkar-e-Taiba,which was originally created by the Pakistani intelligence agency the ISI, to fight against Indian control of Kashmir but now of course wants to wage global Jihad against, who else? The Infildels. How novel.

The film has the audio and the translations of all the cell phone calls made by the terrorists to their Pakistani handlers while in the midst of their ridiculously vicious attacks. The terrorists were trained and sent on a mission with no other goal but to kill indiscriminately and make a bloody spectacle for the world to watch. All across the Mumbai that's what they did. They rounded up Jews and other tourists in two Hotels and mowed them down, going from room to room executing anyone they could find. They massacred people at the train station and a popular club, they killed a ship captain and his crew, they attacked a Jewish school and killed the husband and wife who ran it. Two terrorists looking to escape killed a car full of policemen and then drove the hijacked police car toward a crowded intersection filled with reporters and camera crews, firing indiscriminately into them and anyone else on the street. While all this carnage went on, the Indian security forces and police were helpless, confused and shocked into paralysis. It took three days for commando units to arrive in mumbai and finally put an end to the assault. Only one of the terrorists was taken alive.

The mastermind of the attacks maintained contact with his "soldiers" by cell phone in Pakistan and throughout the attacks cajoled and persuaded them to kill their hostages and to die before they could be captured. At one point a terrorist doesn't want to kill and elderly jewish man who is, "Not feeling well and sleeping." The handler gives the gunman some time to summon the courage to kill the man and his wife. After an hour he calls the gunman and orders him to "Wake them up and shoot them in the back of the head." Shots are heard over the phone and the murderer relays to his handler that he just killed them both. At one point the mysterious ringleader speaks in perfect English, in a very calm voice, to a hostage and assures her that she will be spared if she can convince the police to release a terrorist they had captured. After speaking with the women he gets back on the phone with his henchman and reminds him not to alert the police to her death after she is killed so their ransom demands might still be met. The mastermind also issues a warning about the attacks when he tells the media, "This was just the trailer. Just wait till you see the rest of the film." Scary shit.

Just like the attack at fort hood two weeks ago, this documentary shows the destruction that can be done by a just a few, or in Fort Hood's case, one gunman intent on taking lives for the cause of Jihad. The mumbai terrorists were all dirt poor, ignorant and hopeless and then sold a bill of goods about dying a glorious death by people looking to exploit them for their own gains. The shooter in Fort Hood is even scarier. A westernized, educated and successful man who still wants to die for the cause. There's not much you can do about people intent on killing themselves and taking a bunch of us with them.

KATIE COURIC BADGERS ANOTHER WOMEN, WITH HER ASS

I always thought Katie Couric looked like the joker but after seeing her shake her shit on the dance floor and after she humiliated Sarah Palin with questions a glue huffing puppy could answer, I would have to vote in the affirmative if it ever came down to whether or not I would like some of what's she's offering. Why thank you, yes indeed, I would. I'd like to have Katie Couric wearing nothing but garters, stockings, panties, high heels and bra ask me what I read and what my favorite supreme court cases are. Then I'd give her my answers...all night long...ohh yeahhh, Cue porn music.

THE SCARIEST PEOPLE ON EARTH

What's worse than one fucking idiot? A thousand other idiots plus one gigantic fucking idiot who wants to look just like chief fucking idiot. A long line of end timers, white paranoid's, birthers, tea baggers and ignoramus's all showed up for the queen of dumb. Palin and her sycophantic moron minions are a truly frightening slice of Americana.

NOTE TO MARK SANCHEZ: YOU SUCK

Put the chicks down and learn to play your fucking position dipshit! I know he's a rookie but Jesus H. fuck this moron throws some of the shittiest and ill advised passes I've ever seen. He makes Brett Favre look like Payton Manning. Every dumb guinea and mick in queens knows you don't throw a ball under pressure inside your own ten yard line off your back foot into double coverage. This kid is either the worst coached or just the fucking dumbest piece of shit I've ever seen. Way to destroy another season asshole. Get hurt, break a hand or a leg so I don't have to witness your idiocy anymore.

KATE HUDSON NEARLY SHOWS NIPPLE OF BOY LIKE CHEST AT AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS

Can Nicole Kidman look more like a
mannequin? Smiling, white skinned, wooden dummy.

I've seen toddlers in kiddie pools with bigger tits than kate Hudson and I wouldn't call seeing them topless arousing so the same goes for her. If you have the chest of a 3 year old girl then nipple slips don't count. You could go topless 365 days a year and it wouldn't matter. No breasts means no arousal, no arousal means you can do whatever you like with those tea saucers, no one gives a shit. I have nothing against flat chested women especially if they're hot. kate Hudson is cute and has a nice round ass, so she's very sexy and very do-able. As I always say, breasts are over rated once you're actually in the saddle, big wonderful breasts are just there to entice you to want to hop on the horse a little quicker. That's pretty much all they do, alright they're also fun to squeeze like koosh balls and I like being smacked around with them, but that's pretty much it. What I don't like to see is flat chested women wearing low cut stuff, clingy halter tops or strapless bikini tops. It's kind of gross and a little disturbing to see someone purposely accentuating the fact that they have a flat chest. They shouldn't live in shame but they can wear a miracle bra, pad it with cherry jello and pretend to have some tits. It's like guys with small wangs walking around in banana hammocks and lycra shorts with no undies, it shouldn't be done.

By the way, I think I know where J-Lo got the idea for her stupid get up.

OUCH! TED ACTUALLY FEELS PAIN

If stupid is, as stupid does, then I am a serious moron. I was stacking wood today and got bored so I decided to see if I could juggle logs. I'm not a good juggler at all. I was flipping a few 5 or 6 pound round logs and of course I dropped one...whack, right on my shin. I was wearing sweatpants so there was no real barrier between my leg and the wood and it really fucking hurt. I continued to stack wood and about a minute later I feel a warm wet feeling streaming down my leg. I Had a nice inch and a half long split right along the shinbone. Not that deep but bled pretty good. Hurts like a fucker.

Idiot move #2
I went to a party Friday night and got my drink on. I had about 10 beers but didn't eat much. When I got home I was hungry so I decided to heat up a nice ham and cheese on a toasted bagel sandwich. I checked on the sandwich and saw the cheese was all bubbling hot. I decided it was done but instead of using a spatula to retrieve my meal I just figured I'd stick my hand in the toaster oven and grab it. So I put my hand in while the oven was still on and landed my right index knuckle right on the heating coil. "Ouch motherfucker!" I quickly pull my hand out. Now you would think I'd get the spatula or at least turn off the oven, nah... "maybe I'll have more luck with my left hand" I thought. I put my dumbass, drunk mit in the oven and my thumb lands in the 300 degree molten cheese. Ouch! I yank my hand out. Oven still on, two burned hands, like curly from the three stooges I go at it again. I stick my right hand back in and sweep the sandwich out in one swift motion. The two halves of the bagel with ham and molten cheese fly out across my counter and slide across onto the floor face down. Splat. Hot cheese, hot ham stuck on the floor. I picked those bitches up doing the hot potato dance as ham and cheese slapped around burning my hands. I wrangled the meat and cheese and dropped them onto a plate then I picked the bagels up, I scooped the mess of ham and cheese up in my hand and threw the dirty ham and melted cheese crap back on the bottom bagel. I put on the top half, squished the two hot halves together with my shirt covered forearm till the sandwich was flat, got melted cheese all over my shirt and then gobbled that shit up. It was awesome.

SARAH PALIN IS BLUNDER WOMAN

Mad magazine put out a list of the stupidest people of the past year and Sarah Palin doesn't top the list. What's up with that? There can't be many people so obviously brain dead than this bitch. She went on Bill O'Reilly's show and basically admitted that she's a fucking retard. " I believe that I am [qualified to be president] because I have common sense, and I have, I believe, the values that are reflective of so many other American values. I believe that what Americans are seeking is not the elitism, the kind of a spinelessness that perhaps is made up for that with some kind of elite Ivy League education and a fact resume..." so she pretty much admits here that she knows nothing but has "common sense." You know what kind of people think common sense is enough to run the most powerful country in the world? Idiots. You know kind of people brag about having common sense? Idiots. "I got bad grades but I got street smarts" is the mating call of morons. I'm twenty times smarter than this heinous cunt and in no way qualified to be president. If the Bush administration proved anything it's that incurious, pompous, douchebags leave nothing but disaster in their wake. I guarantee you the downs syndrome kid she has is smarter than she is. I hope after her book tour is over she goes back to Alaska and a giant moose assrapes her with its antlers.

MEGAN FOX AND HER CROTCH REMAIN DEFIANTLY STUPID

Megan Fox is making headway in proving wrong her detractors, who say she is a vapid, self obsessed, cipher. Megan says that girls only say she is "slutty" because she is beautiful and smart. And she can prove it! Exhibit A: Would a dunce pose like this? Of course not. Case closed. These black and white, crotch-o-licious shots prove once and for all, that beneath all the preening, posing and stupid tattoos, there lies a complex, insightful, artiste. I mean look, at these photos, they're in black and white. What's more artistic than a chiaroscuro vagina shot? I particularly like the anantasana yoga look she's got going. She's got the look of a serene, retarded Buddha in heat. As for her clothes, what's better for easy access to her chakras than a quick-ie, crotch snapping, bodysuit? Her beauty is truly only surpassed by her depth. As the enlightened one, (me) once famously said, "Megan Fox? That's some sweet kundalini right there."

THE QUEEN OF PROP

I didn't abort him, buy my book. Fraud.

LIKE FATHER LIKE SON

Just got back from my son's kindergarten, parent teacher conference. Didn't hear anything I didn't already know, my kid is super smart but a pain in the ass. According to his very pretty, little teacher, even though he's a year younger than most of the kids , he still smoked all the numbnuts in his class in all things academic. That's the good news. The bad news, he acts like an asshole. At least he's got an excuse, he's got me as a parent, I have no one else to blame, I had nice parents, I'm a self made douchebag.

TED'S OFFICIALLY OLD: HAS NO CLUE WHO ANYONE IS ANYMORE

As I scan my way through news blogs and comedy sites and the sites where women are naked, I usually come across some celebrity gossip type stuff. I see headlines like this one, Leighton Meester GQ photo shoot: Wears Lingerie, spreads legs! I see this and I say to myself,

"Ok, I like lingerie, I like leg spreading, but the who the fuck is Leigthon Meester and besides the leg spreading and lingerie, why should I care?"

So curiosity gets the best of me and I click on the link. I see a very pretty girl sitting in a chair, wearing a stupid looking leather teddie or bustier or whatever the hell it is, with some nice fishnets and big ol' high heels and her legs are open. I wouldn't really call them spread. I mean, it is a quality crotch shot and yeah, one could get in there and do some naughty business, but she's not doing a split or anything. Anyway, I look at this and I say to myself, "Very nice, big whoop, now who the hell is this chick and is it a big deal for her to dress like a hooker?

I look her up and find out that she's on a show I've heard of but never watched called, Gossip Girl. Now I find myself really not giving a shit who she is but thankfully I'm a very thorough reader of two line blurbs, so as I delve deeper into my one paragraph of research, like the intrepid investigator I am, I find out that she has a sex tape floating around where she beats off a guy with her foot. Now that intrigues me, not enough to watch her stupid show but now I know who Leighton Meester is...and will probably remember. I now know that she's a very pretty girl, on a show I don't watch, who dresses like a tramp and can whack me off with her dirty foot. I now feel up to speed culturally.

...But wait, as I zip around I see stuff about some chick called Blake Lively who apparently has hair. Yes, hair. Her hair is being lauded as the new "Rachel" and I'm like who? What the hell is a Blake Lively? What's a Rachel? I take a breath and ponder whether or not I want to investigate this exiting news any further but I'm way too fucking lazy to read about who she is. Maybe she has a porn tape floating around too because that's probably the only way I'll waste my time to find out who she is. Then, if she does have a porno I will finally become acquainted with Miss Lively and once and for all, will be able to shed this vile taint of ignorance that hangs around my neck like an albatross making my life somehow incomplete.

Leighton Meester ponders the theory of quantum entanglement

LEVI JOHNSTON : REDNECK EYECANDY FOR THE LADIES...AND DUDES WHO LIKE DUDES

Don't let it be said I never threw a bone to ladies or to the bone smoking hiney boys. Now I say that with all due respect to gay guys, lets face it, you like to smoke man bone and plow dude hiney so I'm not really stepping out of bounds. I don't know if posing for a gay magazine was the best way for this hick to make money but it's a free country I guess he's just going rogue. Aside from his choice of magazine, I kind of like this kid. He seems a lot smarter than the asshole whose kid he knocked up and the fact that he's got some good dirt on her that he's holding onto as a coup de grats should she fuck with him too much is awesome. Can't wait till he spills the beans on her bullshit, be it the fake pregnancy or whatever it is he knows. I still think Bristol or someone else, had Trig, the kid with downs syndrome that Sarah lugs around. If Obama can be born in Kenya than Sarah Palin can fake a pregnancy. It's only fair. Actually, I had dismissed that fake pregnancy story but then Levi gave an interview in Vanity Fair where he said Sarah wanted to hide Bristol's pregnancy with his son Trip and have herself and Todd adopt it as their own, so who knows what that lying bitch is capable of. Anyway, I hope Levi demolishes Palin and I hope he gets all the ladies out there juicy...Tobacco juicy.

JETS COACH REX RYAN CRIES DURING TEAM MEETING: WELCOME TO THE JETS MOTHERFUCKER

Yes the jets are maddening and can bring a big, giant, fat, fuck like this guy to his knees with emotional bouts of powerless frustration. This cursed franchise makes me so angry, after each game my rage powers blood to stream from my ass and tear ducts like a statue of the virgin Mary. There is no Joy in Jets land, just stigmata and rage fuled exploding hemorrhoids .

MANGAGEMENT RING: MORE WUSSIFICATION OF THE MODERN MAN

Homo says what?

Why would a man want a man-gagement ring? What the fuck is this world coming to? Do these guys have no balls or what? Engagement rings are stupid enough, but a guy? Wanting one of these things? Dickless suckers. A man who wears a man-gagement ring is the same type of guy who gets lead around by the nose and lets his girl treat him like shit. The wedding ring shows commitment the man-gagement ring shows lap doggedness. I love you honey, buy me a ring to show how everyone much I love you and that I'm "off the market" as if any other women would want these neutered clowns. Puke. Here's a fact, The amount of actual love in a relationship is inversely proportional to how much emphasis is put on the engagement ring. I've seen nasty bitches driving their poor sap boyfriends nuts picking out diamonds. But the guys deserve it. If you for one second put up with a chick dictating what kind of ring she wants or how big a stone or what kind of setting or this or that, then you quite simply deserve the mercenary whore you're planning on marrying. I want to stick out my finger so my friends can guess how much you spent which means how much I'm worth. Whore. You want to buy your bride to be a ring? Fine. I have no problem with anyone buying a ring, it's tradition, I did it, I get it. You want to spend a lot of money on it? Good for you. If you can afford to spend a lot, have at it. But if any man is gonna sit there like a punk and be dictated to about the gift? Fuck that. Buy one and give it to her, if she doesn't like it, tough shit, she can go find herself another sucker willing to put up with her crap. Here's a ring any guy who has a controlling, money grubbing, whore of a girlfriend should buy. It's got a real diamond under there but you can't see it. Put that on a girls finger and let the romance and love ensue.


But back to these so-called men, watch this video on man-gagement rings and watch this nutless nerd trying on ring after ring like a woman. Steel, cobalt, platinum, whatever, try them all on, it's still a ring for a sissy. Then think to yourself, what does this woman see in this wuss? It's pretty obvious that no one else would want this schlub. He knows it and she knows it. His fear of being alone has given him no other option but to be a punk so he's bending over while his alpha wife straps one on and gives it to him right in the ass. The man-gagement ring is really just a sign of a man who plans to take it in the ass from his more powerful wife for as long as she'll keep his weak ass around.

'Man-gagement': A Ring for Him, Too?

TED WATCHES 42ND STREET: WHY? NO IDEA, BUT I REALLY LIKED IT

This was on the other night and I stumbled across it and I have to say I was kind of intrigued by this film made back in 1933. I always loved the lingo and jargon from these old movies and this film is filled with classic 1930's Hollywood mannerisms and cliches. Here's some of the best 30's banter, anyone who knows me can expect to here me recite this shit till you wanna kick me.

"This guy's a pretty wise mug but he ain't wise enough and if he don't lay off that Dorothy Brock dame, it's gonna be just too bad...get me?
Alright I'll tell him.
Yeah well...
[punches Pat in the mouth
that's so ya don't forget"

You remember Anne Lowell?
Not Anytime Annie? Who could forget 'er? She only said "No" once, and THEN she didn't hear the question!

"... you're going out a youngster, but you've got to come back a star!"

What really interested me as usual was how love sex was portrayed. There was a lot more suggestive stuff, somewhat racy lyrics and bad behavior than you would expect from a 1930's film but the film came a year before the Hays Commission started enforcing a puritanical code put into existence by bible thumping nerds to ensure that for over 30 years from 1934 to 1968 movies pretty much sucked and were stripped of any semblance of reality or naughtiness. Because the movie was pre-code it plays up the skin angle and sexual innuendo a lot.

First thing there's a bunch of chorus girls wearing little dance outfits so I like to check out the girls and try to see if any of them would hold up to today's good looking, hollywood women, sadly most don't, but there's a few scenes with the whole dance troop tapping away with lot's of breasts bouncing around. That's good ol' time fun, whether it's the height of the depression or way back in1933, men like to see tits a flyin'. (see what I did there with the depression joke? ok, not that funny)

The two leading ladies, Ruby Keeler and Bebe Daniels were super thin and tall and not overly attractive, they both remind me of Maggie Gyllenhall, poor posture, humped over shoulders, small breasts. Tap Tap Tappin' away... Nothing much to look at. There was one girl in a musical number towards the end named Toby Wing that was pretty smoking though. She just sat there and smiled half naked in ermine fur, casting couch anyone? She never made much of herself in Hollywood and was kind of a joke for being a hottie that got put in a lot of movies but never really broke out. I wonder how many directors and casting agents she blew.
The movie climaxes, pardon the pun, on three big Busby Berkley song and dance numbers. One of the songs, Shuffle off to Buffalo, is about a married couple taking the train up to Niagara falls for their honeymoon. While the couple sing about love, a couple of women sing about how much marriage sucks,
Matrimony is baloney
She'll be wanting alimony
In a year or so
Still they go and shuffle
Shuffle Off to Buffalo
When she knows as much as we know
She'll be on her way to Reno
While he still has dough
She'll give him the Shuffle
When they're back from Buffalo
The next song, I'm Young and Healthy, is simply about a guy trying to convince a chick to bang him. That's the song where Toby Wing just smiles while the guy sings about wanting to fuck her. Here you get the famous Busby Berkley overhead kaleidoscope shots and Big Lebowski-esque dolly shots rolling underneath a long line of chorus girls legs. Good stuff. The big finale is of course, 42nd street which is a big production. It's got Some pretty silly tap dancing in a pretty silly outfit by Ruby keeler. She's all legs like fucking big bird clacketty clack clacking away. It's funny shit. Next you get the big time square street scene filled with gamblers, dancing kids, bannana vendors, cops, a mother spanks her baby, midgets, drunks and women flinging themselves off of ledges and being beaten and stabbed. It's good stuff. I always hated musicals but now I know I hate them because most of them were made after the Hays code, which killed all the reasons a straight guy would like musicals. Lot's of Scantily dressed young women singing about sex and being stabbed.


42nd Street

Arguing With Myself | MySpace Video

YOU BETCHA! PALIN'S BOOK IS A LOAD OF BULLSHIT

Big surprise here, as I wrote the other day, "What will really be interesting about this book will be how many out and out lies she slips into it. The one thing you can really count on coming from Sarah Palin is her total lack of honesty...Expect the McCain campaign to rake her over the coals and call her out on scads of her bullshit." Well, the book isn't even out yet but her habit of spinning a web of lies is raising eyebrows in the press and has already brought rebuttals from the McCain campaign.

The AP and the new york times have already written an article pulling apart some of the so-called, "facts" in her new book, Going Rogue, while an ex-McCain campaign staffer has sent The Huffington post e-mails between Palin and Campaign manager Steve Schmidt that disprove some the assertions Palin makes in her book. "The campaign aide who provided the emails said the following of the book: 'There are elements of truth underlying a narrative that is completely false.' "
Andrew Sullivan, who has been dubious of Palin since the first moment she stepped her ignorant ass out on the national stage has spent the last year closely examining her record and has been calling her out for her seemingly bottomless crock of horseshit. He's holding judgment on her book until he gets a chance to read it but today he lays out his brutal opinion on Palin.

"...Palin is a delusional fantasist, existing in a world of her own imagination, asserting fact after fact that are demonstrably untrue, and unable to adjust to the actual reality after it has been demonstrated beyond any empirical doubt..."

"...She is a deeply disturbed individual whose grip on reality is very weak, and whose self-awareness is close to nil. This much is not a leap, let alone unfair. It is simply unavoidable if one examines her surreal invention of reality - even when she must surely know that the evidence exists out there to contradict her..."

"...As I have long noted, this is not the usual political mendacity and spin. It is far weirder and more disturbing than that. She creates her own reality. And the fact-indifferent, editor-free marketing company, HarperCollins, is only too willing to make some money off it..."

RUN AWAY!!!!

Members of the GOP, or grand old pussies are in full on cowardly bitch mode today because Attorney general Eric Holder announced that some of the terrorists responsible for 9/11 are going to be tried in New York. A trial? The Republicans ask, what's that? I thought you just held people forever and tortured them whenever you felt like it. A trial? How un-American or Socialist or Nazi-esque or Communistic of the Obama administration. You know who used to have trials? Stalin. Stalin used to put people on trial therefore Obama is just like Stalin.

You would think the United States is incapable of having trials for dangerous people. Al Capone? The Blind Sheik? Ramzi Yusef? Hermann Goering? OK that was in Germany but still, it was a trial in an occupied country of a Nazi who had recently been one of it's leaders and somehow we managed to put the guy on trial. The Republicans crying about Holders decision seem to be asking, how on Earth can we ever hold and try these supermen and still survive? Nothing like telegraphing what a bunch of sniveling bitches you are to the enemy. It's about time these guys had trials and when they're found guilty you throw their asses into the gas chamber and watch em die. Big whoop, grow a pair ya fucking pansies.

John Boehner said, "The Obama Administration's irresponsible decision to prosecute the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks in New York City puts the interests of liberal special interest groups before the safety and security of the American people," ???

I don't get it. I thought the biggest, bravest, baddest, country on earth could handle a trial of some towel wrapped camel fucking clowns. I guess I was wrong. We can only survive as a nation by keeping them isolated in the impenetrable citadel that is Azkaban...I mean Cuba.

Sen. Patrick Leahy an Irishman with a pair understands what most of GOP and some bitch Dems don't, that our country and Justice system can handle these murderous cunts and that it is our sense of justice and our laws that makes our country great and you can't just change 230 years of law because you become afraid of the big bad Islamic boogey man.
"I hope these cases will move forward promptly," Leahy added. "By trying them in our federal courts, we demonstrate to the world that the most powerful nation on earth also trusts its judicial system - a system respected around the world."

DIPSHIT SAYS WHAT? SARAH PALIN'S BIG BOOK OF DUMB

“What magazines and newspapers do you read?”

“What foreign policy experience do you have?”

“Besides Roe V Wade, name another important supreme court decision.”

In Sarah Palin’s continuous belief that life is high school, these types of questions constitute “badgering.” In Palin’s new book, “Going Rogue, An American Life.” Sarah gives her thoughts on the McCain campaign and how the campaign and the media mistreated and misused her. Like many powerful leaders who lose elections and then quit their job before finishing out their first terms as Governor, Palin whines about the vicious media elites and their unfair questions and how they dared ask about her knowledge and experience.

She writes that Couric had a "partisan agenda" and a condescending manner. Couric was "badgering," biased and far easier on Joe Biden.

She also didn’t like that Charlie Gibson didn’t give a shit about Alaska and that he, "peered skeptically" at her over his glasses like a disapproving principal. Again, notice the high school reference. Palin acts like a student who gets a poor grade on a test she didn’t study for and then blames the teacher for being Unfair and mean and the classic, she just doesn’t like me. Palin does the classic mean high school girl routine when she states, that she almost began to "feel sorry" for Couric.

Now imagine for a second a front running man from a major political party coming out and complaining about being “badgered” by a journalist who asked the easiest fucking questions a politician has ever seen. Then imagine this person expecting people to vote for them to be commander in chief.

I can’t imagine any person but mostly, any women in her right mind who wouldn’t view such a person with deep disdain for embodying every possible negative female stereotype. Whiney, sneaky, catty, disloyal, weak, vain, superficial, untrustworthy, vindictive, naive, inconstant and ignorant.

Also in the book Sarah tries to prove that she’s not the empty headed, ignorant, born again dunce, but instead insists that she is a “voracious” reader and laughably goes through her tenth grade high school reading list to prove just how smart she is. Sophomore term paper specials, “The pearl and “Animal Farm” prove she is quite the bibliophile. She also likes to try and solve the labrynthian conundrums contained in the Encyclopedia Brown mystery series. It's funny that someone who last read a book when Jimmy Carter was President manged to whip out a 4oo page manuscript in 4 months ...oh wait she didn't, it was ghostwritten by some right wing hack.

I’m sure the book will be full of self serving folksy, “you betcha” bullshit and down home prose that will make the tea bagger, fawning, redneck set, cum in their pants, but anyone with a brain has to look at this women and see a dangerous, Greg Stillson from the Dead Zone, type of demagogue that cares only about self promotion and power.

What will really be interesting about this book will be how many out and out lies she slips into it. The one thing you can really count on coming from Sarah Palin is her total lack of honesty. She lies about pretty much everything. I’ve never seen a candidate get caught in more bald face lies. Her greatest strength is her ability to just flat out, without remorse, tell and repeat falsehoods. Remember the bridge to nowhere she voted against until it turned out she lobbied for it? That was just lie #1. There are websites dedicated solely to the mountain of bullshit she has spewed.

here's a small list

Pretty much everything you have ever heard from her has been fact checked and been shown to be untrue. Expect the McCain campaign to rake her over the coals and call her out on scads of her bullshit. It will be interesting to watch the redneck rallies her book signings will be. Never underestimate the stupidity of the American right. They love this idiot, after all, she’s paranoid, stupid, and misinformed, she’s one of them.

THE EMASCUALTOR: MAN BITCH ON DISPLAY

I’m a dad. I do a lot of dad stuff with my boys. Last night was indoor soccer with my older kid. We stuck around afterwards and we played a little basketball. Tomorrow night is basketball practice for my younger guy. That’s manly shit, good father son bonding. When my kids were babies I did a lot of mom stuff too. I walked them around in strollers, I changed their diapers, I took them for their haircuts and to doctors appointments. I was there against my better judgment when their heads popped out of my wife’s playground and I stood there like an asshole getting yelled at while I told her to push and breath and all the rest of the ridiculous child bearing crap. In other words, I did all the stuff the modern Oprah-fied man is supposed to do and more.

The one thing I absolutely refused to do, the one shred of ancient masculinity I held onto, the modern wuss man rubicon I would not cross, was slinging one of these man bitch bras onto my chest and lugging my kid around like I was General Custer’s nutless Squaw. I’ve written about this before, more than once probably, but every time I see a guy wearing one of these things I just want to smack the little fem in the face and tell him to grow a pair.

I saw a guy today harnessed proudly into his emasculator as if it wasn’t humiliating. Not even caring that he’s subjected himself to the modern day version of public castration. What made it worse was that this eunuch’s wife was just walking around, free as a bird, not a care in the world, no baby on her chest, no papoose slung to her rack. Just a stupid husband kissing her ass and putting his balls in her purse. It was a vile display of subjugation. This guy will never have the upper hand in that relationship, but then again, if he’s wearing one of those things he never did in the first place. That wife should have been holding the kid, milking a goat and balancing a 20 gallon jug of water on her head like real women do in other parts of the world. Instead she’s walking around like a no baby havin’ queen while her stupid man wench in his assholishly naive attempts to please the shitty mother he calls his wife unwittingly destroys his masculinity and their relationship.

The emasculator is a relationship killer because it saps a man of his power to keep his wife honest. By wearing that god awful cock eraser He turns himself into a bitch in his wife’s eyes and in the eyes of other women. Which means he can’t use the tool of jealousy and the threat of finding better, more sexy, and more fertile poon , against his wife which is what keeps the bitches honest and in line in the first place. You can’t hunt for loose poon if you’re trussed into a brat hammock. No woman looks at a man wearing a baby Bjorn and says, “Oh he’s such a good dad, I want to fuck him and have a baby with him.” No, they look at that guy and say, “ I wonder how much that vagina man will charge for babysitting when I have kids with a real man.” The worst thing you can ever see is the man bitch who not only wears a baby bag but also pushes a stroller at the same time. That man is truly dead.

I don’t want to come as a Neanderthal but women are supposed to be cradling and snuggling and carrying the little babies, not men. Women are better at giving a shit about the little spuds and have tits to feed them. Men aren’t supposed to walk around like Sacajawea with jock itch, we’re supposed to kill things and spread our seed. The brat bag makes both of those things impossible.

GOOD RIDDANCE AND FUCK YOU

The Beltway Sniper. John Allen Muhammed , DEAD. Fuck him. I hope he's now in hell sucking Stalin's dick. I am not a fan of capital punishment but sometimes these fucks just got to go and this is one of them. This piece of shit killed 10 people for no reason. He just snuffed them out for a lark or for whatever asshole reason he might have had. I want to punch his dead, cock face. I hope he suffered before dying. I hope he felt torments and endless anguish. There is something about this cocksucker that sets me off. Maybe it's the overall cowardice of his crime. Sniping from afar. People just shopping or pumping gas, children exiting cars, just blown away, destroyed in front of their families, for nothing. What an inhuman piece of shit. I hope he died miserably. I hope he tortuously clung to life. I hope every dying moment was a new chapter in misery. I hope at the moment of death, an enormous bull exploded into his death chamber and shredded his rectum with a massive horn. I hope he cried like a dead, pants wetting, bitch. I hope the fort hood shooter gets it ten times worse.

MONDAY'S FACEBOOK LOL COUNT

I'm going to add a new post everyday on how many LOL's I count while looking at Facebook and post the most egregious example. Today's count is up to 6. Six times people felt it necessary to laugh at their own dumb shit. I will one day have these assholes locked up and beaten.

Today's example:
Someone wrote: "LWHHBHDKICSHMP" probably because they put their phone in their pocket and it typed shit. Then this asshole responds,

"I'm sorry but I don't read Arabic or Greek! In fact I was told from a good friend that you should never play leap frog with a greek! LMFAO"

Fucking douche!

HOW WOULD KATY PERRY SOUND MID-TEABAG?

I'd like to find out. I'd like to swap singing songs to each other while our mouths are busy with each others parts. She could sing me Hot and Cold while getting acquainted with Ted Jr. and I could sing her a nice Irish ballad while tongue sexing her girly place. Maybe she could sing, I kissed a girl while biting down on a pillow and I could do a Ramones tune while suckling on her mountainous mammaries. Hey Ho! Slurppp morhlpgh. Then we could record it, add some phat ass beats to our love grooves and release our garbled masterpieces as B sides. Gonna run it by her the next time we hook up for bathroom sex.

THE CULT OF PUNCH-IN-THE-FACE-O-TOLOGY

If you don't stop being a suppressive and reign in your negative engrams I'm gonna have Tom Cruise punch your fucking balls off! Hold on, I got Travolta on the line, when he's finished kissing the male nanny of his dead kid that he helped drown, he's gonna fly here and kick your face up to the moon!

Who would think that a cult as honorable and with obviously sane and coherent tenants like the church of Scientology would keep their members in line with constant beatings and threats of violence? Well, that's exactly what's been coming out since former high up members of the spaceman church broke loose and started spilling their guts about the inner workings of the UFC or Ultimate Fighting Cult.

According to ex-church memebers, the grand pooba of spacemen, David Miscavaige, runs around the church's offices pummeling anyone who pisses him off. Not only does he personally deliver ungodly beatdowns on his subordinates but he encourages others to constantly whup ass to keep people in line creating must be a hystercially funny work environment. When Miscavaige really wants to get his point across and deliver Xenu-like retribution upon inferior, thetan infested beings, he brings out the big guns. Waiting in wings to stomp the living shit out of any cult member who dares to question Miscavige is none other than Uber space douche, Tom Cruise.

One story making the rounds is that a group of naughty cultmembers were being incarcerated in what they call, "The Hole" Miscavaige was angry that their captors had not properly meted out the prescribed shellacking upon the poor prisoners. But he knew how to motivate them.

"Miscavige said that Tom … had vowed to come to the Hole and personally ‘beat the living [bleep]’ out of Yager, Leserve and Mithoff if the managers failed to do so themselves.

“In response, the mob rushed at the three targeted gentlemen,” Rathbun claimed. “Fists flew and feet kicked into the three. They continued to pound...

Never make Tom Cruise come here and do the job you damn well should be doing yourselves!

THINGS THAT ANNOY ME

Showy memorials

Bullshit from start to finish. Fake. Self important. Spurious. Not real. Waste of time.

The Angels Obviously devastated

The Anaheim angels deified pitcher Nick Adenhart after he tragically died at the age of 22 in a car crash. Gaudy exhibitions of memorializing went on at his center field mural with everyone touching and hugging his picture after they clinched the western division as if they were all his best friends and as if all the games won were all done for him. Total bullshit. Tacky Salesmanship which didn't seem to win them any rings.

The Phillies had the powder blue jacket of their deceased longtime play by play announcer Harry Kalas in their dugout. Not an overbearing display but still, no ring.


A University of Connecticut football was stabbed to death. Everything gets dedicated to him, uniform on the sideline, candle light vigils and UCONN still blows the next two games. They even lose after his best childhood friend scores the winning touchdown against them. save your candles, go to practice. have a beer and talk about the guy in private. Stop the showtime bullshit.
As fake as Roger Clemens rubbing Babe Ruth's monument for luck.
utter self serving horse crap.

Patriotism

I'm sick of idiots acting like the flag is the baby Jesus. I was in a parking lot the other day and this women came up to me and said, "Is this yours?" I looked down and there was a little American flag, the kind that kids wave at parades, sitting on the ground. "No, that's not mine." I said as if I could give two shits and continued loading the shit in my car. "Well, it certainly doesn't belong on the ground." She said as if she was the conglomeration of an uppity librarian and George S. Patton. She then cupped the tiny flag in her hands as if it were a dying sparrow and walked away all proud of her super American, patriotic self, as if she had just schooled a godless barbarian on how to respect the flag.

"Yeah, whatever asshole" I said. Just loud enough to be heard. I know flags aren't supposed to touch the ground and that crap and that it's a symbol of our nation but cut the shit, it wasn't the fucking flag that flew over the Arizona on pearl Harbor day. It's a fucking flag. Do I love my country or do I love a striped piece of cloth? Should I fucking weep every time I see a polo ad in a magazine? C'mon, I like the flag, but ya gotta chill.

Twitter

Here's a short tweet,
"fuck you"

At least these people have the courtesy to be quick about how boring they are but do I really need to know what Heidi and Spencer are having for breakfast?

Boob covering super models.

Stephanie Seymore? More like, Ted Seeless. Cut the crap and unleash those fake globes you old whore.

Leaves

raking leaves
raking all of my motherfucking leaves