RUSH RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL

I in no way want this fucking prick to die. Not for his sake, but for mine. If he dies of whatever chest related pain it was that made the paramedics take him to the hospital I will have to hear him eulogized all week in the media. And they won't say what a racist, lying, disingenuous, factually challenged, demagogue he was. No. They'll talk about him being "controversial" and that he "pushed the envelope" and they'll say what a great broadcaster he was and how he had legions of dittoheads. Sure they'll mention that there were moments of racial insensitivity notably the Donavan McNabb comments, but they won't really get into how this hunk of shit framed every issue as a white and black, good versus evil, us versus them, cockfight. This supposed American patriot only wanted a divided country never a unified one.

When Rush lies on his deathbed I wonder if he'll look back at the life he lived and wonder whether he could have been more kind to people or more honest or wonder if he should have helped more people or will he just puff on that stogie and hope that God is white and that Reagan is sitting next to him when he floats his fat ass up past the pearly gates.

The sad thing when a guy like Rush dies is that he had power and influence and a certain talent and he used it only to shit on people who weren't exactly like him and his rich buddies. He will leave a legacy of being a partisan, greedy, racist, dishonest douchebag. No one will mourn him. No one will really miss him. When he dies, no one will really care.

Now I'm sure Rush isn't as much of a homophobe and racist and prick all day long in his personal life. I'm sure some of his vitriol and right wing bombast is just for the radio... he just spews hatred to influence his dip shit listeners to say, "Mega ditto's!" so he can make more advertising money. His garbage is just an act.

I'm sure Rush gives to charities. Rush loves a good tax break.

I know many conservatives were aghast at how Ted Kennedy's death and funeral were covered by the press considering that he was guilty of killing someone. That's a valid point. Did Ted Kennedy deserve to be aggrandized after his death? I don't know, maybe not, but I will say this, Ted Kennedy might have killed someone but he also might have saved many more lives with legislation he helped passed. In a utilitarian view does his many acts of good undo the selfish and criminal one's? Maybe, maybe not, but at least Ted tried to help the less fortunate he didn't live to point his finger and exclude and denigrate others. As far as Rush Limbaugh goes, he has tried to do nothing else but paint half the population of this country as enemies and traitors. Does the Barak the magic negro song or mocking Michael J. Fox's parkinson's disease do anyone any good?

So get better soon Rush, maybe to give you more time to change your ways but really so I don't have to hear a bunch of bullshit about what a good guy you were, when you've plainly proven, year after year, that you are not. I want you die an old man forgotten by all. Not as a star hailed by the media with a televised funeral. Get well prick.

WHAT OBAMA SHOULD DO ABOUT THE UNDERPANTS BOMBER

Like I always said, if any terrorist activity went on in the Obama administration the GOP would not waste a second to lay all the blame on him but the 3,000 people killed on George W. Bush's watch were of course, Bill Clinton's fault. So with that in mind, the Obama administration has to prove it is different from the Bushies who never took blame for anything and Republicans in general who are tickled pink that some guy almost blew up a plane. What Obama has to do to prove he is different from the right wing assholes is actually hold some people accountable for the massive fuck up's that allowed some piece of shit from Africa, Farouk Abdulmutallab to get on a plane wearing a bitch girdle packed with explosives with a ticket he bought in cash, with no luggage after his father had already warned the CIA that his son was a jihadist. First off, Obama has to make heads roll in the CIA the state department and the department of homeland security.

The only thing that will make these people do their jobs is the threat of actually losing their jobs. Now everyone's gonna want the head of the director of Homeland security Janet Napolitano for her stupid, "The system worked" comment. Now she actually wasn't referring to the fuck up's that let the man on the plane when she said that, but it's was still ass covering and it looked and sounded stupid, plus firing her ass would probably go a long way towards scaring the shit out of people that need scaring. If it saves lives, even if she is a good secretary of Homeland security, then Obama should can her...like right now. I know he probably won't or more likely, he can't, because the GOP will take 2 years filibustering any new nomination and there will be no one heading the department just like they have blocked the nomination of head of the Transportation Security Administration, Errol Southers . There is no one heading the department in charge of US air security because Republican Jim DeMint is afraid of the baggage screeners unionizing. A plane may blow up but at least baggage handlers will still be below the poverty line.

The people that are really to blame are the CIA and whoever is in charge of ensuring that suspected terrorist names get on no fly lists and that suspected terrorist's names are run through data banks to make sure none of them have valid Visa's or passports. Maybe patting this cocksucker down and checking to make sure that he didn't have a syringe filled with acid on him might have worked as well. The Democrats and republicans both blocked the new scanners that can see through clothes because people don't want to have their boobies and wieners looked at. Well I for one have no shame so if it keeps me alive and stops some camel fucker from packing a bomb into his mom's underpants, then scan away motherfuckers.

The real problem once again is with our so-called intelligence agencies and our lack of integration with computer technology. This failure is because information was not shared. Fire whoever failed to share info or alert the state department and department of homeland security. Fire the people who update no fly lists, fire the people who hand out visa's to jihadist Muslim's. Fire eighty people, some big, some small. Make these bureaucratic assholes fear Obama more than they fear the terrorists. Then Obama should tell the GOP that they still have 3000 more dead on their hands then he does on his and they can go suck his black dick.

WHAT WOULD I RATHER EAT? HEIDI KLUM COVERED IN CHOCOLATE OR ...A KIT KAT?

I'll take the kraut with the Hershey covered tits thank you. My only problem with Heidi is that she keeps having kids which means I could probably use her vagina for a hula hoop. Still, she is pretty friggin' hot and after years of her labia reading Seal's pox face like a braille bible I'm sure she'd like to have some nice smooth Velvet down in her nougat, I'll shave and everything.

WHAT A COOL CHICK DOES

It's no secret that I want to bang kari Byron from the show Mythbusters, she's hot, she's smart, she's a redhead and she seems very cool. Now this past season kari was sporting an enormous baby inside her tummy so my love or more accurately my lust quotient for kari went from 100 to -3. Pregnant chicks do not do it for me. I don't like the idea of poking around a baby cave with a sleeping water brat mere inches from my enjoyment. One wrong poke and sploosh, down comes baby in a big waterfall of yuck. Anyway, I was watching a good, non pregnant, episode of Mythbusters when Kari and the other two second stringers were testing out the saying, "Like a bull in a China shop." To test out this saying they set up a bunch of shelves stocked with cheap porcelain breakables in a corral and unleashed some bulls, surprisingly, even though they eventually had 4 bulls running around, not a single shelf was touched and not a single item was broken. Once they has deemed the saying to be proven untrue or "busted" the three mythbusters set upon the shelving units smashing the odds and ends. While some of the flimsy shelving units were pushed over allowing all of the items to crash, Kari ran up to the side of one unit and head butted it trying to knock it over. The unit failed to toppled and Kari grabbed her aching head and laughed but continued in on the destruction. I know this is a strange way to grade someone but, any woman who head butts a shelving unit and isn't drunk when she does it, is alright in my book. As a matter of fact, it pretty much put me in the worship category. She had me at head butt. I now worship Kari Byron and I want to be the daddy of her next baby. I'll mythbust a little sonofabitch right up in that sexy, head butting, nerd tease's ass.

THIS IS A NO BRAINER: IF YOU MARRY CHARLIE SHEEN, YOU DESERVE A GOOD BEATING

Charlie Sheen spent Christmas in the clink for roughing up his drunk bitch of a wife. The wife is now being uncooperative with the cops but Sheen supposedly smacked her around a bit and brandished a knife at her. Now over the years Charlie has shot Kelly Preston in the arm, got arrested for beating an ex-girlfriend and his ex-wife, Denise Richards accused him of roughing her up as well. Throw into the mix his drug overdoses, rehab stints and penchant for banging hookers and you've got the Charlie cocktail, which amounts to one pretty fucked up dude. Not exactly marriage material so to any women who looks at him and hears wedding bells, I say this, "you're begging for an ass whoopin' ya dumb bitch " And they probably are.

Deep down inside these idiots are two common female brain disorders competing against each other and working overtime. The first female disorder is the "I can fix him" "he will change for me" disorder. Women are relentless control freaks and emotional pie in sky idiots. Put these self delusions together and you have seemingly bright women marrying useless, abusive, junkie reclamation projects in the belief that their overbearing control and deep, undying love, can change a scumbag. Guess what? It can't.

The second brain disorder is the, "I like bad boys," brain dysfunction. When a woman says she likes bad boys, what she's really saying is, "I think I'm a worthless piece of shit. I like getting abused, and treated like a door mat." It's never really surprising when a woman enters a relationship with a "bad boy" and ends up with black eyes, an STD, legal bills, missing bank account money and maxed out credit cards.

Now put the, "I like bad boys" delusion together with the "I can fix him" idiocy and you end up with Charlie Sheen punching, shooting and brandishing knives at his wives and girlfriends. Once again, they wanted it and they got it.

IF THERE WAS EVER ANY DOUBT THAT JOHN F. KENNEDY WAS THE MAN...

Update: entire story bullshit. Photo is from 1967 Playboy shoot. Kennedy's brain was already on Jackie's clothes and missing. That said, I'd still take a head shot from a sniper to party with these whores and JFK was still the man.

Here's a picture supposedly showing John F. Kennedy sunning himself on a Yacht stuffed to the gills with naked, big tittied, tramps in the 1950's. You know what? If I could spend just one weekend living like this I'd gladly have my head blown off by a sniper. What a life this guy had, Rich, good looking, war hero, President and commander in chief of all pussy hounds. Hail to the Chief.

TED CAN CHILL

Man oh man, I haven't done a god damn thing all weekend that required any real effort. I chilled out all day Christmas with the wife and kids without any intrusions or changing out of my pajama pants. I sat in the kitchen drinking, listening to and singing christmas music and cooked. It was nice. I Drank some good beer, had a bottle of wine for dinner with the wife, sat down to watch some tv and fell asleep at 6:30 in front of the fire. Then I woke up at 8:00 and had some more wine,very nice. Saturday I slept till 11:00 did some dishes and then got ready for a party at my sisters house. Babysitter showed up and the wife and I were away for 8 hours of bullshitting and drinking. Very relaxing, very nice. Today I slept till 12:00 made my kids pancakes, got my wife some stuff at Dunkin' Donuts and am now going to watch football all day. Life is good.

BACK IN BLACK MOTHER FUCKERS

I've been catching all kinds of hell from friends,family and readers alike for the recent change to my blog's appearance. Now normally I would barely listen to the criticism and just tell people to go fuck themselves but in this case I felt, maybe they're right. I don't always deal well with criticism but then again, I don't know who does, but usually, after the initial sting, I can filter what is right in the criticism and what might actually need changing from where I should remain true and stay the course.

Recently one of my sisters was critiquing my singing. Now she knows as much about singing as I do about being a chinese jet pilot but I opened myself up for the criticism by playing her my band's music. She had her opinion, which I will admit angered me but it was my fault for asking her what she thought if I wasn't willing to take negative feedback in the first place. Like any other art form, what makes for good music is all in the ear of the beholder. One person's Bach is another's Miley Cyrus so there's no accounting for taste. All things being subjective, some people are either gonna tear me apart or like what I do so there's not much I can do about it except man up, take the good with the bad and try to learn from valid criticism, but there's also a time to put pieces of advice like,"Your singing is passionless and you should sing more like Bono." into the, let's just agree to disagree category. As Popeye and Eminem would say, "I am, what I am" and if what I am sucks or isn't worthy or someone doesn't like it, then so be it. Let them not like it. Let them perpetually suck the farts of Michael Bolton... or Bono.

That's my conundrum here, I can stick to my guns and come off impervious to griping and remain with something shitty or I can see someone else's point and make adjustments which makes me look like I'm weak for being swayed by popular opinion, which makes me a pussy. While it's not always a bad thing to be immovable, sometimes you have to be willing to take criticism, reflect on your decisions and say, " maybe I acted a little hastily, maybe these other assholes are right and maybe I... yes I... was wrong." That's not easy to do, but every now and then you have say, "Fuck it, I was hasty with myself, I didn't plan properly and I can't in good conscience tell people to go suck a bag of dicks If I actually agree with some of their points. Hillbilly said the old, Guinness, brown site "looked like a gay guy's puke"...that didn't really sway me, Liz said it " made her dizzy" Ok maybe valid, so I changed the font, Loinmaster said, "It was a horrible shit storm of suck shit"... He had me at horrible. Back to the drawing board.

It wasn't as bad as some of you clownshoes said but I was a little hasty to change the old look without looking at all of my options. Anyway, I hope this is more to everyone's liking including my own. Either way, I'm not changing anymore, no more, no how, no way so if you don't like this seriously one go fuck yourselves...but do it slow, with love and tenderness, and a pinch of lube, of course.

MERRY CHRISTMAS BITCHES!

Hope everyone gets what they want this year. I know what I want.
Boo-tay

DOUCHE STRONG... DOUCHE HARD...WITH A VENGENCE

I was in full, unapologetic, I'm gonna rape your grandmother's colostomy hole, douchebag mode today. I was a naughty douche and a nice douche. Naughty to the fat assholes who got in my way but nice to children, old people and the ladies... always the ladies. It's Christmas time so I was letting the love flow. I crammed a doucheload of shopping in today but even though things were crowded and noisy I was only being a bad douche when infringed upon physically by slobbering, crop-dusting subhumans who kept leaving me in the wake of their farts. Otherwise, I was pretty damn charming and messianic to the nice people. I was a douchebag in a good way with one particularly dumb woman who wanted to have a playdate with my balls. I cracked some stupendously, funny, jokes (to her) and in no time she was mine for the asking. I was shopping at a department store in a mall and was standing next to a fine looking, 30 something, female with tight black tights and a curvy assheiny. I was checking out her schmoo when two security guards came tearing past us yelling shit into their handsets and tore into the mall. I looked at the girl and said, "The distraction is a success, grab all the shit you want and run for the door!"
She laughed and I looked at her sternly and shook my head," No really, whatever you want, just take it, it's a big store, they work thievery into their business expenses, it's no big deal...everybody does it." So she said some crap about rolling the rack she was standing next to out the door. I pretended it was funny and she smiled at me and her eyes twinkled with profound lust. I thought right there I should just throw caution to the wind and give her a kiss directly to the vagina but I'm married and we were in public. I started moving away not wanting to be too douchey, pick-up line-ish, but as I moved on I said, "Well you had your chance, window closed, have fun "paying for" your stuff. She said, "Oh I will, You too." or some crap. Then for some reason, weird nervousness I guess, I just kept talking and went into random mode. To stop a somewhat awkward moment of silence I kind of blurted out , "Those guys weren't really security guards, they were actors..." Huh? Why the fuck did I say that? better continue. "They're filming the new...uh... die hard, Die hard 5... in the mall. It's called uhh...umm....Buy Hard... with a vengeance. I got the mojo going... I started to feel it. "It's a little more low budget than the other one's, so instead of Bruce Willis they got ummm...the guy from..a friends...uh..David Schimmer. Yippee Kiyae Rachel" Somewhere around..."Buy hard with a vengeance", her look of, 'holy shit, this guy's a scary fucking freak" turned into a smile and actual laughter. I continued "So now you're in a movie with David Schwimmer...what's better than that?" She started bantering, "wow,I can tell my family! It's he best christmas present ever..." More fake laughter on my part. It went on back and forth for another minute and then I got the feeling I was supposed to ask her to do something with me like get a drink or breed which made my frightened married bitch muscle kick in, so I abruptly said, "Uhh, ok.. I wasted enough of your time...I gotta buy this thing, merry christmas." Very un-velvet of me. She was kind of taken aback by my abruptness and kind of stammered, "umm ok... you too." All I could think was, "What a douche I am." I payed for the thing I was holding and made a beeline for the exit like my car was being towed, hoping it was the same one I came in. I can't be sure but as I was leaving I think I heard the feint sound of her heart beginning to crack.

I ran off like a gay bitch but in my mind it ended better. In my mind after all the talk, she pulled me aside and blew me amidst the Ann Taylor sparkly sweatpants.

CHRISTMAS SHOES: THE BEST DECONSTRUCTION OF A SHIT CHRISTMAS SONG EVER

Patton Aswalt is one funny motherfucker. Listen to him with the help of some funny and clever animation tear apart this dopey trite shit of a christian song called Christmas shoes. The song is beyond stupid and Patton nails the ridiculousness of the ending. I love how some bible thumpers think everything that happens in the world somehow revolves around them and God. God sent me a message to be happy through someone else's torment, thank you God! After patton's done eviscerating this horse shit watch the actual pile of shit. Bonus! Actual shit song video has Rob Lowe in it!

TRAINWRECKS CAN STILL BE SEXY

Lindsey Lohan is a mess, a delightfully, self destructive, beautiful mess. I know she is the joke of Hollywood for being a promiscuous tramp and part time lesbian and a drunk and a drug addict and a thief but we all have our failings. I give her a ton of credit for being a survivor, not her really but her breasts, she's lived a super indulgent life style and has battled bouts of anorexia and bulimia and yet her breasts still look like something I'd be interested in. That's moxie for ya. I know in five years she'll look like a dried up seahag but for right now, this second, she's a delicious pile of shit. Even better, because her career is a joke she will soon be doing skinamax movies and even more nakedness to make ends meet. Ah the self destructive starlet, a gift that never stops giving, I just hope she stays away from Tara Reid's plastic surgeon. keep it real Lindsey and never apologize for who you are. You're a beautiful disaster and you wear it well.

WELCOME TO THE NEW VELVET FACTOR...NEW LOOK, SAME OLD ASSHOLE

I was speaking with my wife last night or the other day and kind of questioning why I even bother to write this dopey thing. I couldn't really come up with an answer but at the same time I pretty much knew that can't stop doing it. And it's not even that I feel compelled to write or that I have some deep burning desire to unburden my tortured soul. Trust me, there's nothing in there to unburden. It's a lot simpler, I just don't like to quit things. I stick around like a bad rash. A tenacious dickhead. So I keep writing this into the abyss of blogland for no real reason. A truly purposeless and fruitless pursuit. At the very least it's my own journal of stupidity. I can go back almost four years read a post and say, "Man was I drunk when i wrote that dumb shit." It's really a gift to myself.

Over the years of doing this I've caught a bit of hell from the wife and family for things I've written or for encouraging some lewd behavior from female admirers but those days are long gone. I still anger the wife or a sister or a random person from time to time with my less than demure postings but as I looked through my old blogroll I noticed that many of the people who once filled the tubes of intranets with their blather, no longer exist. One by one I clicked down through my links and saw them all gone or rarely posting or because I never visited them they had cleared me from their blog roll so one good turn deserves another and away they went. The two months I spent kissing other bloggers asses in 07' was a nauseating journey into being a sellout. So I stopped. I'm not a good fellow blogger, I'm a cave dwelling troglodyte who says at home and makes no friends, I don't play well with others. Anyway, I cleared the thing up and decided to change it all. Neaten things up a bit. Change is a good thing, it's good for the soul and if there's any sluts reading this, it's good for my wiener so drop me some nudie shots you whores. To everyone else who still come from time to time and visit I'll keep it up until I am told to stop by the man! Here we go, new look, same shit.

MY BARE LADY

I stayed up wayyy too late last night watching the 2006 show, My Bare Lady on Fox reality network. The show had two of the things I love most in the world, Porn and Shakespearean acting. The premise behind the show is to take four porn chicks, bring them to London, give them acting, diction and dancing lessons and see if they could pull off Shakespearean acting alongside professional actors in front of an audience of actors and theater critics in a West End
showcase. If that's not the best reality premise in the world then I don't know what is.

Two of the porn chicks I had never heard of while the other two are well known to my wang. I didn't know the two on the left, Chanel St. James and Kirsten Price but I was familiar with the stellar work of Sasha Knox and was a big fan of Hawaiian, Nautica Thorn. The show goes through all the basic up's and downs and personality clashes and drunken nights on the town that all reality shows delve into. Most of the porn actresses eventually get better at acting but Chanel struggles because she can't really read. Which for an actress is kind of important. Chanel looks like a tranny with the collagen injected lips, giant fake tits, overly dyed jet black hair and gobs of makeup, she's kind of frightening. She doesn't seem like a bad person just a dumb one. Chanel and kirsten are generally the type of porn chicks I don't like, overly made up, fake tits and dopey who don't really seem to like sex and only do it to make money because they're somewhat hot and can't do anything else. Call me crazy, but I want my porn starlets to be ravenous, nympho freaks, That's why guys like porn, it's a dreamworld where hot chicks need sex as much as guys do. The other two girls, are porn chicks who have personality and bring a little gusto to their work, particularly Sasha Knox who I've seen do some pretty vile and raunchy stuff. She's obviously nuts but on the show she appears to be very intelligent and down to earth but also, not surprisingly, somewhat disturbed. Nautica Thorn comes off as normal and as cool as anyone who blows 8 guys at once for a living can.

I ended up having to tape the last two episodes because it was pushing four in the morning and no matter how engrossing watching porn stars recite Romeo and Juliette is to me, I still have to sleep sometime. I will have to wait and see who eventually got the plum role of Juliette's balcony scene. I will watch tonight and then go to my computer and watch all of them do what they really do best.

TARA REID, THE MOST AIRBRUSHED WOMAN ALIVE

"I'll suck your cock for a thousand dollars" What was once just a line from the Big Lebowski spoken by a young and sexy Tara Reid aka, Bunny Lebowski, has now come to fruition. Tara arrived in Hollywood, a cute, fresh face and let all the fame and decadence and pressure to be perfect get to her with disastrous results. As they say, "How ya gonna keep em' down on the farm once they've seen Karl Hungus?" Tara Reid probably does suck people off for a grand nowadays. She has been a train wreck for the last ten years, drinking, drugs and ruining her once beautiful looks with ridiculously fucked up and botched plastic surgeries. Her surgeries hacked at her breasts and rippled and deformed her stomach so badly that Playboy has taken to manufacturing a fake person for her ex-celebrity photo spread. Look at the line where her leg meets her hip, it looks like a barbie doll leg. Look at the shadows and shading around her breasts it's like a PIXAR movie. Her head looks like it was photo shopped onto her body. if I didn't know that she actually posed for playboy I would say these pictures are all faked...and I'd still be right. There's nothing real about anything in this picture. The last resort for Hollywood fuck up's is the Playboy spread. They always come a good ten years after you wanted to see the person naked and you almost always feel awful for looking at it. It's usually the last thing an ex-starlet does before the suicide attempt, rehab, total abandonment of Hollywood. So before the news actually happens, so long Tara, I'll always think of you as Bunny Lebowski. Too bad the Knutsens didn't hire a brother shamus like Delfino to find her and bring her home.

BLAKE LIVELY IT'S ALL ABOUT THE LEGS

I keep hearing and reading that this chick Blake Lively has an awesome rack. All I can say to that is, "Hogwash! It is Ted who is the judge of tits!" I had no idea who this woman was but people kept saying, Ohh, she's crazy hot, she's got beautiful tits. I saw some stupid thing on E about her hairdo being the newest, biggest, thing. Today I was scooting around the intranets and I see a headline, "Busty Blake busts out!" I go to see the pictures and I see this. Huh? Total bullshit. That's not busting out, that's nothing. Average. Now don't get me wrong, she's a beautiful girl but rather than have women or gay dudes or the E channel try to tell me who's hot or who's got great breasts, how about letting the horny straight men do it. Now looking at Blake Lively the only thing that really pops out is not the hair-ridiculous, not the face- good, not great, and not the boobs- equally ridiculous. What really stands out are the long, beautiful, stems she's got going. She hosted Saturday Night Live a week or so ago and she wore a bunch of skimpy outfits that accentuated her beautiful ass and long, lean legs. That was all very wonderful. What wasn't so wonderful was the fact that this bitch is the least funniest thing I've seen in a while. She's a hot chick that's got a modicum of personality so she thought that meant that she was funny. She's not. I saw her on Jimmy Fallon talking about all the so-called funny things she does that make her friends laugh. Again, not funny. I'm sure plenty of guys have faked a laugh at her lame shit in the hopes it would score them some vagina time and it probably did. And I'm sure the girl friends she has laugh at her lame shit and then go off to the bathroom to tear her to pieces and tell each other how much she annoys them and how they hate her. Hot chicks by and large are not funny. Hopefully, whenever whatever it is that this girl does ends, she will put her assets to good use and be naked all over the place. Until that day, she should shut up because she's not funny. To everyone else, stop telling me she's got awesome tits. Until I see them, I will believe otherwise.

WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

Take my kids away for a fucking month. I love them but I'm so sick of my two little bastards I'm about to run off like all those smart dad's I've heard about that just pull up stakes and get the fuck out of dodge. I was at basketball with my 5 year old yesterday and there was a shooting drill/race and my kid was going head to head against a kid about 3 years older than him who also has excellent skills. Needless to say, when my kid failed to score a basket first after 3 head to head shoot off's, he lost it and was inconsolable. He flung himself on the court, crying and pitching a fit and I was the poor schmuck trying to make him feel better for twenty minutes while all the kids and parents watched. I could literally feel myself about to stroke out and go to coma land. He wanted to quit and just leave, which believe me, would have been fine. I wanted to get the fuck out of there too but Like any good/cruel dad, I kept him behind and made him shoot baskets. I didn't care whether or not he got one in, I just didn't want him to think it's ok to quit so I tortured the little prick. The crying and moaning and freaking out continued throughout my Bobby Knight basketball life lesson. He eventually calmed down enough to get a few baskets and felt better. I, on the other hand, felt like I'd gone 37 rounds with Jack Johnson. I think my heart went through some serious blood pressure induced trauma. I need a fucking break from my kids before I die or before I roll my kid up into a ball and jam his ass through a hoop Darryl Dawkins style.

Hat tip to liz for the scary Santa pic

AND SO THIS IS CHRISTMAS

My wife and I took the kids into Manhattan last night to see the tree and Santa at Macy's had a nice time. A nice time means minimal ridiculous traffic and my kids only made me want to kill them once or twice, mostly waiting in line for Santa. If anyone has ever been to Rockefeller center at christmas time then you know what an absolute mob scene it is but we did the smart thing and went on a Tuesday evening so it wouldn't be too nuts. We actually drove from my house in Connecticut to a parking garage in Midtown Manhattan a block away from Rockefeller center at Christmas time in under 2 hours during rush hour. Pretty ballsy. Waiting in line for Santa only took about a half hour and this Santa was the best. When you go to Macy's on 34th street you're in the majors. You're dealing with seasoned pro's. This Santa had a whole awesome rap going where the kids really thought he knew who they were. He was the most polished, best rehearsed and friendliest Santa I've ever seen. He actually sat and chatted with my two boys for what seemed like 5 minutes...at Macy's! I was pretty impressed. I also thought about doing the skating thing with my boys but I really don't skate well and knew my kids would have driven me absolutely insane plus the line kind of sucked.

One interesting happening, only in Manhattan can you be pushed aside and cut in the Line to see Santa Claus by 8 Jewish females speaking Hebrew. They were all very well dressed in fancy dresses and stockings and nice shoes and they only shoved and brushed past us back and forth 5 or 6 times before they left the line to go annoy the fuck out of some other shiksas and goy. Very weird. I also witnessed a guy proposing marriage to his girlfriend. she was all surprised and cried real tears of joy. He made his move very stealthily. Considering they were in the middle of an area surrounded by thousands and thousands of people I was the only person who noticed. That's because of my keen senses. I have rare ability to sense when someone is about to throw their life away. I could hear the life force being sucked right out of the poor bastard as he cracked open the ring box. Still, there is a little bit of hope, he didn't get down on one knee during his proposal so maybe he'll survive. You should never begin a major commitment with an outward sign of subservience. Dooms you to failure. I clicked a picture of them a moment after he big event.

NOTE TO SELF: DON'T CHEAT ON WIFE IN SOMALIA

Tiger Woods should thank his lucky stars he wasn't born in Somalia where batshit crazy militant Muslim jerkoffs still stone people to death for having sex with the wrong people. Hmm, why do we Somalians still live like cro-magnon man in the middle of a dry, dead land when the rest of the world has water and food and super models? Hmmm, Maybe it's because you adhere to a violent fundamentalist religion and do dumb shit like this. These pictures really make what Jesus said seem even more poignant, "let he who is without sin cast the first stone." I bet all these guys are fine upstanding and morally pure dirt farmers. Oh and maybe they should read some of that Jesus stuff instead of Mohamed, not a huge bible thumper but there is difference. Have fun eating sand and swatting flies for eternity assholes. Note to the squeamish, Very graphic and possibly upsetting photos.

At least they didn't make him dig his own hole like the Nazi's used to.

Pricks getting in the coup De Grace because he didn't look dead enough after the first wave of boulders they smashed into his head. Nice country. Nice religion. I hope that pussy was worth it.

MY DAILY BUTTERFACE

Every morning I drop the kids off at school and every morning I see the stunning, ass, legs and breasts of a mom dropping her kids off. She is always dressed impeccably and her body is tight as a drum as if she does three a days at a gym. I am always simply amazed by her how her ass and legs look in the tight skirts she wears, simply amazing. Then of course, she turns around and chills of douche run up my ass. She isn't just simply an unattractive woman facially, it's that her face is so foreign compared to the body it's attached to. It's almost as if God got confused when building this person and decided to put this face on Megan Fox's body. She looks like a sea hag from the Popeye cartoons. This woman can't be older than thirty five yet she looks like she spent 20 years in the sahara with no sunscreen. It's really kind of crazy. Still, that's what doggie style and paper bags were created for because this woman though cursed with an old hags face still has the most kicking body I've ever seen in the kiddie dropoff lane.

DEATH PANELS CONTINUED

Sorry middle aged fat moron, you got's to go. There can be no tolerance for someone this gullible and void of reason. I seriously wish there was a huge pit you could just kick these people into and forget they ever sullied my earth. The medieval french had a nice name for it, they called it an oubliette, a small place for forgetting, but it was really what we commonly refer to as a dungeon. Throw this retarded, fat cow down into a fucking dungeon for a month and see it she ever graces us with her numb nuts Palin T again. If she sports that heinous shit another time you roundhouse kick her her dumb fat ass into the bottomless pit of oblivion. I know that's not democracy but I've got a hair thin streak of patience running through me and it's starting to get dangerously frayed. I'm simply sick to death of stupid people. Not that long ago I was introduced to someone by a conservative friend of mine and he said, "This is Ted, he's a raging lefty, but not the kind that eats granola and wears Birkenstocks, he's like Lenin, he'd throw you and your family into a gulag to die of starvation and not think twice about it." My wife was recently reading a news story about the forensic psychologists who did the postmortem on the columbine killers and she laughed and said, "Hey, those columbine kids wrote rants against people that sound a lot like yours." I said, "well you know what they say," great minds think alike."

Now obviously I don't share the nihilism of the pathetically sad, misguided and psychotic columbine killers. They were sociopathic, homicidal maniacs who didn't believe in anyone having any sort of inherent worth. I like people, I like life, I like meeting and chatting with all sorts of people from every kind of backround. I think the world is a beautiful place, I think we all have much more in common than we do differences that separate us. But that being said, I also fervently believe that seriously stupid, ill informed, naive and ignorant people should be kicked into a deep black abyss and left to rot in a big pile of dumb. I want them to cease to exist. I want to wish them into a cornfield.

I don't want a reign of terror that spins out of control feeding on itself and creating an insane purity test that no one can pass. No, that's not me, I don't want a bunch of Rhodes scholars running everything, I just want to eliminate the types of people Jay Leno interviews in the street who don't know who George Washington is and the people who would vote for Sarah Palin. kill them before we all die. It's purely an act of utilitarian consequentialism. I'm giving you all the gift of a moron free life. Merry Christmas!

WHY CHICKS SHOULD JUST SHUT UP SOMETIMES

This clip from MTV's new culturally and morally heinous show, Jersey Shore, a reality show about retarded guineas on the jersey shore or as MTV puts it, it's all about the "hottest, tannest, craziest Guidos" Normal Italians have already attacked MTV for putting on what amounts to a Meatball minstrel show. Millions of Italians that aren't complete moronswill look at this show and pretty much want to change their last name to Smith or Jones. There's a lot of finger waggin being done in MTV's direction over this series not only because of the stereotypical "Guido" stuff but that MTV is promoting this show with a clip of one of their female cast members getting absolutely crushed by some dude. Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi is the annoying chick that catches a quick right hook right in the mush. She gets in the face of obviously unhinged lunatic, and Brooklyn Gym teacher, Brad Ferro who delivers her a nice hot slice of shut the fuck up pie. As Ralph Cramden used to say, "Pow right in the kisser" This crazy bastard got arrested and is now in what the NYC schools calls a "rubber room" where teachers in trouble just sit around until the superintendent can figure out what to with them. I guess Snookie is fine and a little wiser.

I in no way think it's cool to deck a chick like this but it's actually a good lesson for women to learn. Not every guy is gonna just sit there and let a chick talk shit to them. Some of them will kick a chicks ass and there's not too much she can do about it. That's why guys don't get in other guys faces unless they're ready to throw down. Don't mess with someone you don't know unless you think you can take them. Obviously Brad didn't care that Snookie was a chick and half the size of him. The booze probably didn't hurt either. Booze and uncontrollable rage go hand in hand especially in those hot blodded I-talians. She was all liquored up and acting tough because the cameras were around and he was the drunk angry teacher looking to schooled her dumb ass with this educational fist. Lesson learned...I hope.

TED VELVET'S GUIDE TO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

The Darth Vader toaster
You'll be the coolest geek sitting at the breakfast table at the annual, star wars, science fiction and unmarried virgins convention. Just pack this with your Princess Lea sex doll and you'll be big pimpin' like a jedi as you roll down to the lobby with your own Vader toast. I prefer my toast on the dark side.

Big nose liquid shower gel dispenser
Just squeeze this bad boy and out of his nostrils comes running gunk.
Now rub it all over your body and try not to think about snot.

Connoisseurs of fine beer must let their love be known to all. Nothing says, "I love the champagne of beers" more than this Miller High Life beer case cowboy hat. Put this muthafucka on your head and you are indeed living the high life. keep it classy.

Fisting champion bumper sticker
Like fisting? Want people to know it? Bumper stickers are by far the easiest way to let a ton of people know your likes and dislikes. This fella doesn't just love fisting, he's the champion. He demands respect.

Big man, big truck, big bumper sticker. You're a man, you drive a big truck. There's no way that you're afraid to tell the world how much you love raping sheep. Stay proud, be who you want to be and never ever apologize for it!

Sarah Palin's name in a Jesus fish eating Obama's hope logo. What more could a crazy person want to let the world know of their mental deficiency? This gift is reserved for the people who probably should have been death paneled or aborted or been put to death after the abortion.

Ho,Ho,Hoeeeeaaaaahhgh. Who wants a candy shitting Santa? Don't all raise your hands at once. This is a lovely piece of art that keeps giving and giving and giving at least until all the M&M's run out or until his sphincter shoots out of his ass like a Gecko's tongue. I love you Santa!

Fetus cookie cutter!
Life begins at delicious! Yum, Yum, Yum, I could just eat this little guy up. Don't worry if these little guys come out looking unsightly or damaged, feel free to throw them right into the garbage without any fear of guilt or shame. Don't worry, We'll make more!

If there's snow on the ground it must be Jawa Christmas time. Nothing quite celebrates the birth of our lord and savior than a Jawa holding the death Star. Bleep blorp gazzzap! That mean merry Christmas in Jawanese!

Sperm Bank
Lookig to be fiscally responsible? Come no further. Trying to save money can be a really sticky problem. You don't want to blow your whole wad or end up with with a big load of egg on your face. Keep packing this little guy full of money until it's ready to explode. I know I made my deposit today.

Drunk driving remote control car
Let's face it, sometimes you just gotta drive when you're fucked up. This handy, dandy toy trains you to drive like a drunken ninja so you don't get caught. Let's be honest, is it really even a crime if you don't get caught? of course not. Fill the cup on top of the car with your favorite alcoholic beverage, deliver it to yourself, drink and repeat until you finally wreck. Then you know you've had enough. Remember that feeling and promise never do it in real life.

This is a beer stein that says, "Adult sippy cup." Isn't that crazy funny? No? Ok, ya prick they can't all be gems, Fucking return it asshole. Here's the receipt you fucking ingrate.

Titanic ice cubes!
Near, Far, wherever you are...you can chill your gin and tonic with these little remembrances of the good ol' days. You'll be the king of the world with these cubes that teach the valuable lesson that 1200 people dying is funny as long as it happened a hundred years ago. Can't wait for the zany 9/11 gag gifts of 2101

If you're like me, you want to bring a banana to work but that unseemly yellow peel doesn't match any of your outfits. Well worry no more fellow banana and fashion aficionados. These little banana holders come in multiple colors and save you the embarrassment of being called, "old yellow banana doesn't match your pants cock faced douche" by your coworkers

Yup, I've got a penis and yup, it's huge but guess what? Until I got this book I had no idea what the fuck it was. As Malcolm X said, "You better learn about your penis muthafucka!" Word.

Look, you like baby heads with candles on them and I like baby heads with candles on them, you just don't like all the hassles associated with putting a burning candle on an infants head. It's a lot of work. Well worry no more fellow baby candle sufferers. Now you can have the wonderful sensation of seeing a candle burn and drip wax all over a baby's head and down their blank, expressionless faces without all the crying and wax burns and police investigations.

If you have children you want them to learn to be responsible with money but you also want them to wake up screaming every night because there's a pink, smirking half a face in their room that torments their every sleeping moment. Then this is clearly for you. Saving money while sowing the seeds of untold psychological damage has never been so easy thanks to this bizarre nightmare of a bank.

Do you believe in hope? Do want change you can believe in? Do you like to dance to incredibly fast house music for hours on end while sucking on a pacifier and twirling glow sticks? If so, then this is probably the ecstasy for you. This righteous Obama E will bail you out of that mundane and boring ecstasy and add some color to your life. So drop this brotha from a white mutha. Let the dancing and hugging and whoo! whoo! begin!

Enjoy gardening? Really love left wing, anarcho syndicalist, MIT, linguistic professors? Then this garden Gnome Chomsky is just the thing for you. Don't worry about your gladiolas and azaleas, Gnome Chomsky will defend them from all corporate and post structuralist capitalist slugs, moles and vermin.

Oh yeahhh, time to make the cookies. And when I say, make the cookies, I mean I want to put flour, eggs, butter, baking powder, vanilla extract, raisins, chocolate chips and spices into a bowl, mix that shit up, roll it out on a cookie sheet, press out these molds of people fucking and bake some mother fucking cookies.

Love to Bowl? Lacking pigment in your skin? Have no taste whatsoever? Want to beautify your house? Then you just hit a grand slam bitch! Boom! Keep your Degas lilies and your van Gogh Starry Night's, I think I'll rock the Oil painting of an Albino bowler. Suck on them balls Warhol. You wish you were that guy bowling.

If you love cats as much as most cat owners do but have no ability to maintain any sort of personal relationships or basic hygiene then behold your future! All in the body of a little crazy cat woman action figure. Yes you can count on a life surrounded by more and more adorable fuzz balls that will eat you out of house and home and defecate so frequently you just can't keep up with it all, but not to worry, You'll die happily surrounded by the dozens and dozens of cats whose feces gave you the brain cancer that will eventually kill you.

These are tissues with a funny label. They're just white, regular tissues. They would have been a better gift if they were snot colored and smelled of three week old bronchitis mucus.

Shocked groundhog painting
Ever startle a groundhog? Well I have and this is exactly what they look like just before the car hits one of them or in my case, the rock I threw just misses smashing into its head. Why a shocked groundhog painting for Christmas You might ask? Well I always feel most alive right when a rock I just threw is flying in a perfect trajectory aimed right towards a ground hogs head. The sheer terror in it's little eyes is priceless and I want to remember that feeling...always. Now, thanks to this painting, I can.

Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, ugh, all these days trying to vie for our attention, morphing into one another... I just can't remember which made up, ridiculous holiday I should pretend to care about. Well with all that confusion comes Santa to the rescue. Santa knows all the poor Jewish kids are bored fuckless by their sad imitation of Christmas. Dreidel, Dreidel Dreidel? Santa says nigga please. Stop spinning that shit with them jew letters on it, join the varsity and rock and roll your sad little jewish top with Santa's face and a reindeer on it. Now you've got game Schlomo. Party like it's 5770

Crazy cups!
Drink out of these and people will think you got a nose job! Put the drink down and they'll say, "whaaaaa? I thought you got a nose job?" Raise it up to drink again and they'll totally freak! "Hey wait a minute, your nose is different again!"

Want to dress like a bitch but don't know your size? Does your junk make skirts look all bulgy in the front? Well then this book is here to help you dress to the nines Missy. Author Miss Vera knows that you're not just a gay or straight dude that dreams of wearing ladies clothes and acting all femme, you're a diva! A Star! So strike a pose, tuck back your cock and go suck some dick ya freak.

Honey where's my anal bleach? Why You're soaking in it.
Fellas, Are you tired of staring at a big, ugly, brown eye when you plow from behind? Is your wife turned off by the brown salad she has to toss? If the answer is yes then this is the anal bleaching cream for you. Honey bare butt bleach whitens up that old nasty cornhole and makes it so sparkly you can practically see your reflection in it. That old dirty penny will look so shiny and new you'll be wondering, can I brighten my teeth with this shit too? Don't waste any time, start erasing years of harmful doodie damage today!

The young, the old, they all love stripper pole! Want your preteen daughter to be a southern dirt skank like Miley Cyrus? Then you better run out and get her one of these. No girl's tweenie years will be complete until she learns how to work the pole. There's a future in pole dancing and a lot of money to be made if you can work it like a dirty whore. It's never to early to start. In the near future there will be high school pole dancing teams and colleges will recruit for the sexiest sluts around. You better get on that scholarship train before it rolls off to whore town without your baby girl. Stripper pole!