HOLA BITCHES! TED RETURNS FROM PUERTO RICO

Dios Mio, what a fucking trip. Nothing but rain, incompetent airline foolishness, spanish speaking people, kids whining about their ears and more rain.

My travelogue begins a week ago Thursday. I did all the requisite pre-vacation stuff. Mowed lawn, packed, did laundry, dishes, tons of annoying crap. My wife was supposed to be home by 2:00 to help me out. The ho didn't come home till 6:00. Slapped her up good. Loaded car, locked house, headed down to Brooklyn to a hotel near JFK for an 8:00am flight. Stayed out drinking till 12:00 am in hotel bar watching NBA finals game 7. Woke up at 6:00, brushed teeth, loaded shit back in car, drove a few miles, dropped off car at airport ride place, got insanely dangerous ride to airport from nutjob buss driver. kids flying all over, no seatbelts.

Arrive at airport 6:45 am, check in for 8:05 flight. Go to gate. Gate has changed, have to take bus to new gate. Get bussed all over the fucking place, arrive at gate. Something wrong with plane, depart time now 9:05. Give kids new Nintendo DS to play with. It doesn't work. Had also borrowed a gameboy from neighbors. thankfully it works. Still problems with plane, depart time 10:05. Kids start to get restless, board plane at10:35, plane takes off 11:00. Younger son digs the take off but soon freaks out because of his ears are popping I want to murder him.

Land in Puerto Rico 2:30 take bus to rental car place. Wait in 100 degree heat for 40 minutes, rent car, start driving,Wife has shit map, have no idea where the fuck I'm going. We drive around San Juan three times before finding the right road, head southeast for an hour, arrive at family owned villa in a gated community and hotle complex at 6:00, Villa is a musty, dank, humid mess, go swimming in pool, start drinking, kids are happy, life is good. Go to beach, water is warm, ocean rough, my older son almost get yanked out to sea but I snatch him from the cold clutches of the Briney blue. Go inside, take shower, Place is rank. Go out, get pizza, 1st of many tropical downpours comes. I buy beer. Go home, drink beer, pass out.

Day 2

Go to pool, go to beach. Villa is rough, no towels, stinks, no food, no toilet paper, no paper towels, no dvd player for kids. We go to Wal-Mart...in fucking Puerto Rico! Fucking insanity. Packed like a japanese subway car. Buy a boatload of shit, new bath rugs, new beach and bathroom towels, toaster, dvd player, food, beer, paper towels, toilet paper, scented candles, some other nice scented oil that goes in a vase. Head home to Pool and beach. Place is better after a few candles lit and the Air conditioner is run. Rains all day

Day three.

Same crap, rains a lot, we swim in downpours, who cares, already wet anyway. Go to inside bar off the pool, get a Miami vice, half pina colada half strawberry daiquiri...good stuff. Go back home, eat, watch tv drink relax. Not too bad a time. Take the kids to see Toy story three. The lines are a mile long outside theater, rain is coming down in buckets, get up to the window, movie is All sold out and in spanish. Guy tells me about another theater near a mall 20 minutes away. We drive around for about two hours looking for the mall. Total waste of time. Ted not happy.

Day four: go to Rain forest, swim in mountain pool under waterfall hike around see cool stuff. Drive to beach in another town drive around shady ghetto, decide to head back to hotel pool, bar at pool no longer serving alcohol. Go inside, bar inside no longer serving alcohol. Hotel lost liquor license. Ted very not happy. Go back to room. Take kids to movie again, this time we already know it will be in English and when it will show. Wait in weird line that makes no sense they treat the 3D glasses like they are gold. They are on a rolling cart and you cannot take them with you to the bathroom. Movie is great, Puerto Ricans love them some Buzz lightyear. Kids are happy. I need a drink


Tomorrow: ted takes life of family in hands with death defying ride in the mountains