1ST DAY OF SCHOOL, I THINK I'M GONNA PUKE

Poor ham, poor Pickles. Taken away from their loving parents and thrust into the cold, mechanical, gears of society, where their innocent brains are churned in the education meat grinder to come out the other end tasting like conformity. I seriously dread the 1st day of school, I feel so awful and nervous, I almost never worry about anything but today I need 5 xanax or five prostitutes or any combination of the above. My kids don't seem to give a shit, they're fine. I feel like I'm gonna be sick. I can't explain it, I just hate the first day of school, always have. I hated it when I was a youngster and since I've had kids, I hate it even more. I didn't think that was possible. It's a god-awful feeling, putting your kids in the hands of a school. It gets better after a day or two but the first day is rough. You hope your kids will do everything they're supposed to, that they will be good, that they'll listen well, follow directions, keep their hands to themselves, not say fart jokes all day long, not call girls brainless jerks, (which my son did yesterday)that they'll make friends, that the teacher won't be an asshole, that I won't get calls saying my kid shit his pants, that they don't get bullied or bully others, that they will not be the biggest pain in the ass in the the class. Basically, I just want them to sit still and never talk for a whole year. My poor ham, my poor pickle. I miss those two jerks.