MINE EYES HAVE SEEN THE GLORY OF...UH, SOME STUFF

I was out and about doin' all sorts of crap this past holiday weekend and with all that stuff doing came some stuff seeing.

Whenever my wife and I are going somewhere I always point things out to her while we walk or while I drive, "did you see that dog on the back of a motorcycle? Did you see that big, fat, lady with the doodie stain on the back of her sweats? Did you see that blue jay swoop down at that cat?" "No I didn't, now keep your eyes on the road." She snaps back at me. "Ok, Ok." I say as I mumble shit about her under my breath. What I'm actually trying to say here while making my wife look a nasty person is that I pretty much notice everything going on around me. This past weekend my wife was sick so I was free to take my kids out with me and point out at all the stuff I wanted to without her being jealous of my awesome alertness. So what did I see? Wonderful things.

At stop and shop I saw a guy with gray hair and a gray beard around 60 years old buying two big boxes of condoms. Actually, he wasn't buying them he was holding them while on line at the pharmacy counter probably waiting for his viagra. "What level of disgusting skank is he gonna bang till she dies this weekend?" I said to myself as a cold, disgust shiver ran up my spine.

I saw a hot girl sitting with her boyfriend at a farm stand. They were sitting at the table next to me and my son facing us. I glanced over at the girl, about 22-ish with a super tight wife beater, dirty blond hair in pony tail, nice face, nice rack and tiny shorts. She was on the same side of the table next to her man kind of sitting with half her ass on the corner edge of the bench. She had one leg under the table front ways and one swung out toward me. She was wearing short athletic shorts. very short. Like I can see your vagina short. I say they were, I can see your vagina short because I could see her vagina, or at least some of it. I t was kind of a mush of panties and exposed crotch. Still it was a nice surprise. I gave a quick glance or two trying hard not to be obvious. I kept looking their way, toward the sun as if I was an aborigine who could tell time by gauging it's height or I would scan the parking lot pretending to look for something then I'd throw the eye glance downward and back to my drink. I know it's pervy but I'm a man, man. Kill me, I like young lady parts. My son looked over at her crotch and was beginning to take an interest and I said, "Hey let's go see the ducks!" I sadly had to leave while her goods got a good air out. I left them exposed but unwatched and unappreciated.

Now the reason I could not linger and maybe sneak another quick peak at the vaj free shot is because my son has no filter and seems to have the same powers of observation that I have except he likes to say exactly what he sees very loudly. Earlier that day while we were at Stop and Shop, before I saw the old guy with the condoms, we saw a lady with a huge 50 inch wide ass. "That lady has a huge butt!" He said, easily within the woman's earshot. I threw him a, shut the fuck face. But he didn't seem to get it. "Dad, did you hear me? That lady has a huge butt!" I gave him the under the breath, I'm gonna bust your head if you open that mouth again, speech. Then when we were away from the woman i told him how mean that was and how he probably hurt her feelings and to keep it to himself when he sees stuff like that.

"You mean I can just think that she has a big butt?"
"Yes." I said.
"And I won't go to hell for that?"
"No." I said.
"Good, ok I'll just think the stuff I want to say when I see weirdos"
"Just keep your mouth shut." I said.

No more than 45 seconds later we are going down an isle and there is a guy in a wheelchair with only one leg.
"Jesus fucking christ" I say to myself. "Please don't say anything."

I look over at my son about to throw some fucking apples down his throat if he opens his mouth to speak but he just gives a quick glance at the guys stump. The guy wheels himself by us and my son says nothing. I look down at my boy and he he motions with his thumb about the guy with one leg and then makes the motion of cutting off his own leg. I nodded as if to say, "Yes, I see, the guy only has one leg." I patted him on the head and got the fuck out of there as fast as I could.