For years I have been saying to myself, "Self, you should really go to eat at the olive garden." Finally yesterday afternoon all the stars in the firmament aligned, the fates were in agreement and the parking lot was near empty. "Yes", I said to myself as if in a magical waking dream,"I am finally going to sup on unlimited breadsticks and a forever refilling pasta bowl."I don't quite know why I was so obsessed with the Olive Garden but I was. The terrible commercials are probably what drew me in. Fake families putting aside every tuesday night just to go to the Olive Garden together? That's wonderful stuff. Actors portraying fake friends that go every week and try a new pasta and sauce combination? Adorable. I was sucked in. I wanted to feel the phony family vibe and revel with fake friends who would good naturedly chide me for my love of angel hair pasta. "Angel hair again?" They would all laugh in unison. Then we would all clink our wine glasses together and life would be as wonderful as a commercial. You know what? It was. For a brief and magical minute.
I was going to buy my niece and nephew overdue birthday presents yesterday when I ran into a couple of ladies that I know. We chatted for a short while and went our separate ways. Then I went to the sports authority to get myself a hoodie and ran into the two broads again. "When you dumb bitches are done shopping, you wanna grab some lunch? " I said. "Sure!" they said excitedly. "Where do you want to go?" They asked. There was no hesitation in my voice. I answered them in a firm but admittedly slightly over excited manner. , "The Olive garden."I quickly spat "Ok, They said, let's go." We got in our respective cars drove across the parking lot to the beautiful faux stone building that looks as if it were transplanted directly from the Tuscan hills. We opened the heavy wood doors and the lovely sounds of Tony Bennet filled my ears. "Am I in heaven?" I asked myself. No, I was still alive, but happy. I steadied myself and sat down. "This is going to be great." I told myself. When I looked at the menu, I thought," mmm, not so much.. ummmm....stuff." It was then that it hit me square in the face. the olive garden doesn't do any of the magical stuff in real life that it does on TV, this is all a scam. This menu is a joke. it looks like it was put together by chef Boyardee. Where are the heaps of pasta, the magnificent sauces, the mounds of cheese? Where are the wine glasses filled with clinking vino? Wait one mother fucking minute I said as i stared at two goombas sitting across from me dressed like the cast of jersey Shore. The olive garden isn't a wonderful home away from home...it's just a guinea Bennigans!
Suddenly sullen, I ordered some crap, dutifully ate it and vowed never again to look forward to anything ever. Life is just one big disappointment after another. The girl I always wanted to bang ended up having a smelly cootch, the GI Joe with Kung Fu grip just meant his hands broke faster than the rest of him and The Olive garden's endless breadsticks suck.
The ladies I was with saw how despondent I had become over my less than old time Italian family feast so they gave me a handy under the table. After that, I realized my chicken and pasta meal wasn't so bad after all. It was pretty tasty. Maybe the Olive Garden isn't all it's cracked up to be but the angel hair and chicken scampi didn't suck. Angel hair...again?!?!
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