TED GOES TO BUFFALO TO WATCH SOME SPANKAGE

Picked a hell of a nice place to travel to go see the Jets Play. Buffalo NY in October, sounds pretty sweet doesn't it? Regardless of local, I had a swinging time. I watched the Jets on TV down in Miami the week before and definitely thought, "Hmmm, Miami might have been a better a call." When I left JFK on Saturday it was 75 degrees and sunny when I got up to Buffalo after a quick 52 minute flight, it was a windy, rainy, 40 degrees. But I seriously didn't give a shit. I was just glad to be on the road with some buddies drinking and bullshitting and getting psyched for some football. I was pleasantly surprised by pretty much everything. Usually when traveling things gets fucked up in one way or another but not this time. Fucking Clockwork. 3:40 flight from JFK on jet Blue. Drove down to New Haven to get my bro-in-law, the loinmaster at 12:00, got to JFK at 2:00, he was kind enough to do the drive.

Got to our gate at 2:30, There was a bar right at my gate, I don't mean across from or diagonal from or a stones throw from the gate but I mean right in front of the seats and the tunnel that takes you to your plane. Fucking Clutch. I banged down two quick Stellas, then my boy the Notorius B.I.L. sauntered in. He ordered a couple more then blam, time to get on plane. I had 4 or 5 beers in me so was feeling fine.

Struck up a conversation with a guy whose wife is from Buffalo so he gave us lowdown on strip clubs, bars, food etc. Watched three college games on the plane's tv, Had to pee a lot so had a few chances to chat up a stewardess sitting near the bathroom who wasn't working the flight just flying home to Buffalo. After the Plane landed I had to whiz again and started talking to her outside the bathroom. I go in, do my business, come out and everyone is off the plane already. I talk to her for another couple of minutes about...I shit you not, bras, I'm about to ask her, " Hey what ya doing tonight? " but then I think I might be stepping over some sort of line...ya know, being a married man and all.

Anyway, we get off plane, call hotel, three minutes van is there, at hotel ask for room upgrade, lady says there are no upgrades, Notorius B.I.L. pulls out a dollar, slides it onto the counter and says, "Maybe Mr. Washington can get an upgrade." Boom. Upgrade. Better room. We go to Hotel bar order some food, some beers all is well. In walks my brother, Professor Pork. We have a few more beers go to his car and unload a huge cooler jammed with beer. Go to my room watch some of Yankees/Boston game, drink many beers, go out to some brewery.

Ask three guys to take our picture, guy in Buffalo sabers hoodie says "fuck off", I ask his buddy in Dallas cowboys hat, he says "go fuck yourselves jets fans" Go up to the last guy in Brooklyn Dodgers hat, I say something like, " you've got a Boston hat on so I know what your answer is gonna be", he says, "No, it's a dodgers hat." So I say "Oh so it's no wonder why you hang out with these other two fucking douchebags." They laugh instead of kicking the shit out of me and take our picture. Then we all agree that it's Patriots and Miami fans that are the real douchebags of the world.

Stay up late drinking and talking eat beef jerky go to sleep around 2:00. Wake up hungover eat a whole roll of tumms. Go to breakfast, breakfast sucks. Need rain gear for B.I.L. and loinmaster. Look for a store find one on to game. Stadium right near where we stayed, parked in field, drank beers got wet and shivered. Game on, Jets dominate but only up by ten points at half. More beer, soaking wet and cold. Buffalo fans acting like dicks but nothing too bad. I come back from halftime go to seat. Buffalo fan sees my rain jacket that has the word "Montauk" written on it. He stand up and says, "Montauk? go back to New York!" I say, " I am in New York you fuckin asshole." His friends all yell, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!" They laugh at their friend and start asking me where I'm from and all the other niceties. I realize when I curse people out they like me. Second half, Jets romp, fans get unruly, then leave. Game over, we kicked ass. Go back to hotel. Brother leaves for home. We get dinner, some beers, watch Sunday night Giants game, Fall asleep like old men. Wake up, at airport in five minutes no one there, fly home through wind storm, felt like a coin in a coffee can being kicked down the street. Back in NY, back in car, back to Ct. We all decided if Jets play buffalo early enough next year before snowfall season, we are there. Buffalo is a nice little city quick in, quick out and cheap. Awesome trip, awesome times.