TED'S BEEN BUSY, OUT DOIN' STUFF. AND BTW, WHO WANTS A PEARL NECKLACE?

Splat!

Where to start? Hmm, let's see, lots of crap rolling around in ol' Ted's head. Last week while out enjoying some cocktails with the wife and friends and family, my sisters assaulted me for having nothing but a "porn blog." "I'm sick of reading about Kim Kardashian's ass on your blog, you're just taking the easiest road, write about something else." Point taken. I may become slightly myopic at times and fail to vary my topics but they always say, write what you know, and in my case that ain't too much, but the one thing I do know is that I like beautiful women with nice, big, tits and nice asses so that's what I write about. Call it my trapped, married, contained id screaming to be let loose to bone famous sluts. Or just call it a mid life crisis, if I had the money I'd buy a sports car I don't so I write this crap.

next:

My best friend from high school came up to beautiful Ct. for a visit this past weekend. There was lot's of drinking, chicken wing eating and carousing with odd women. It is amazing just how many freak shows hang out in bars and unleash their most God awful life agonies upon total strangers because they have a few drinks in them. Case in point; My friend and I were at a bar watching the Yankee game. I don't know how it got started but I began having a conversation with an exotic looking woman with an odd name. She looked Egyptian or Persian, she was pretty hot. She told me her name and we discussed her ethnicity and that led to Egyptian history. She was appreciative of my knowledge and soon after started unleashing the weird. It started off with her telling me that her husband wears a man purse so I told her she probably married a closeted gay. Without much ado she then starts to tell me about her catching him jerking off to tranny porn, which then moved onto her telling me about her first orgasm and that she can only reach orgasm when stroked manually through her jeans. She then goes on to tell me how she was raised in a foster home, sexually abused for years and had to give up her first child for adoption. She was getting too close to me and touching me a lot and kept wanting to dance with me. I was not into it because you know...I'm married and live in that town and don't like crazy people, so I said, "Sure thing, just let me go to the bathroom first," then I split out the door as quickly as I could. You can't feed the crazy puppies, they follow you home. Crazy chicks with gay husbands and awful pasts cannot be allowed near the inner sanctum.

So we split that scene go to another joint where these hot blond chicks were sitting boozing. They were all bleach blond, super tight jean, black, high heeled boot wearin', big racked, raspy voiced off duty bartender chicks. My friend and I noticed right away they were easy marks. We started shooting the shit, I helped one girl find her phone that had fallen out of her bag so she bought me a drink and we were chatting nicely enough about normal shit like wine and stupid kids names. Then she keeps getting up to go to the bathroom then her friend would go then she would get up again. These two ladies were tweeked out of their fucking gourds. They were banging down white wines like they were drinking water out of a shot glass and then running off to the girls room again. Their pupils were bouncing around in their heads and they soon stopped making any sense whatsoever. My friend and I kind of backed off because the just seemed too fucking nuts. Although my buddy did touch one of their necks and she almost jumped through the fucking ceiling. Soon after, another one of their friends came in, a cute, petite, sandy blond haired girl dressed in super tight, faux fur, faux leopard, house wives of new jersey clothes. She starts yammering away with me about her job selling and leasing power equipment. I ask her about renting an aerator and she asks for my phone number, without even thinking, because I'm drunk by this point, I give her my home phone number which she promptly starts calling at 1:00 am. I say, what ya doin? "I'm gonna leave you a message" I say, "What are you fucking nuts! My wife is gonna launch me up to the goddamn moon if she hears that! Just give me your card or work number or work web site address. she's like, "Here's my cell phone number, what's yours?" I say, "Bitch, I just want to rent an aerator what the fuck do you need my cell phone number for?" My friend says, "I'll give you my cell phone #" My friend and I leave that scene and head back to where the evening began with another off duty bartender chick hanging all over my friend. Then we walked home. The next day we watched football, ordered more chicken wings, took a ride to the winery near my house because that's where all the straight guys go together on a Saturday afternoon. But as I told my buddy, "You want to see a lot of drunk women in one place on a Saturday afternoon? Head to a winery." Boom! Within minutes we're chatting up two ladies. Too bad they were 50 years old. My friend leaves, I take a shower and soon headed out with the wife and kids to a friends house to do some more drinking. I need a fucking nap.