WE LIVE IN A DEEPLY STUPID COUNTRY

This country is a hopeless mess of idiotic, spoiled children. The morons in this land of ours twice elected possibly the stupidest man to ever hold the office of the President, what's worse, they knew he was a fucking idiot and voted for him anyway. Now these jerkoffs are out of work, lost their homes, have no health care and no future. They put their lives and this nation in the hands of an unserious ignorant clown and now have reaped the whirlwind. Now the shit has hit the fan who do they all blame? Big surprise, the new President. Barack Obama has been president for a year and has spent much of it trying to slog through and clean up the disastrous heaps of shit that George W. and his minions left in their wake. But he's not done anything to help America's spoiled brats who want everything fixed overnight.

Destroyed economy? Yep. Two fucked up, basically unwinnable quagmire wars? Yup. A world that hates us because of the previous administration's bullying, torture and incompetence? Yup. 1.85 Trillion dollar deficit? Yup. Health care costs soaring? Yup. Infrastructure 20 years behind Europe's? Yup. Unemployment through the roof? Yup.

Obama did not set all this calamity in action But you wouldn't know it by the grousing and bitching and whining out there in this country. Fix it daddy! They all yell but don't actually want him to do anything that might actually solve a problem. Then they complain that nothing is getting done.

Stupid.

People want jobs and they want Obama to do something about it. OK what is he supposed to do? The government could create Jobs but that would raise the deficit more and it would be socialism which is bad, or Obama could give more tax cuts to the rich and hope they hire people but that doesn't work. The wealthy corporations take the money and run or use it to give themselves bigger bonuses. Conservatives want hands off of business, hate big government and socialism and taxes. They don't like when the government does anything except bomb other countries but they expect Obama to get everyone a job and they want him to smack the banks around.

"Don't bail out the banks!" Conservatives cry.


Obama says, "OK, I'm gonna tax the banks to get tax payer money back from TARP."

"NO!!! shout the conservatives, "That's socialism. Don't punish the banks!"

"Don't bail out the auto industry" But keep everyone in the country working




They're foreclosing on my house, help me Mr. president

Ok says Obama I'll try to stop banks from foreclosing

No!!! that's socialism


I have no health care, or my payments are too high or I've been dropped from coverage. help me!

OK we'll try to fix the health care system maybe even make it possible to buy insurance on the open market with an option to buy health care from the government to create competition and break up the insurance monopoly

"No!! That's socialism how dare you mess with those fine, upstanding, insurance corporations! "

Quite the conundrum.

Quite the stupid country

On top of all this you have stupid people saying
that Obama isn't an American citizen that he was somehow smuggled illegally into this country from Kenya
That he's a Muslim
That he's a socialist, fascist, communist
That he's not patriotic
That his wife hates the country
That he's a Hugo Chavez clone
That he's a Hitler clone

deeply stupid people in a deeply stupid country

And I ask conservatives, republicans, tea partiers, birthers, Palinites, the rest of the idiots with no plan yet that think they are smarter than Obama. What the hell would you do to fix anything?

Here's their answer, Nothing.

Because that's what republicans do, they say no, they cry socialism, they wave the flag, clean their guns and pray, but in the end they do nothing.

Stupid country filled with stupid people

OLD YANKEE STADIUM

Now that football's done I'm in spring training Yankee mode. With that in mind, here's a pretty cool, short, Buster Keaton film from 1928 that was posted over at the bronx banter blog called, "The Camera Man" Filmed when old Yankee stadium was only 5 years old. That was one huge ballpark.

The story line is that he goes to film a game but doesn't realize they're on the road so he plays an imaginary inning inducing the hitter into a triple play and then he hits an inside the park home run. Buster had some wheels on him, he gets around the bases pretty damn quick. The guy knew his baseball, he throws to third and checks the runners at first and second just like Jeff Nelson used to do. He takes a nice brush back pitch to the noggin also so besides steroids and money, not much has changed with the game. Pretty much everything is changed from this old park to the one I used to go to and are now tearing down and then to the Brand new stadium but you can still see the #4 train going by the 161st street station. If I had a time machine I'd set that thing to the 1920's and definitely spend a few afternoons at the old park watching the babe and Lou Gehrig do their thing. I'd stay longer but they didn't sell beer at the parks in 1928, prohibition. I'd have to come back in the thirties.

WILE E. COYOTE FINALLY CATCHES THE ROAD RUNNER

Seth Macfarlane sees the empty future of Wile E. once he loses his raison D'etre. Like Alexander the great with no more worlds to conquer or the Republicans once Obama isn't around.

Road Runner Funny Clip - More amazing videos are a click away

ADIOS TO THE SAME OLD JETS

Oh well, fuck me, I was wrong. Better luck, better pass rush and better d-backs next year. Life goes on, I couldn't really have expected more from a 9-7 team. They can only get better. It's just one more year of my life gone and still no super bowl for me and my Jets. Must push thoughts to more pleasant business like this chick's fine rumpy chair fruit...ruff! ruff! Chomp. That was me pretending to be a dog biting this girls ass. Now that my season is over I will now spend my football watching time more productively by obsessing about girls and their vaginas.

By the way, one last football note: did you see Brett Favre throw an interception when his team was in field goal range and could have won the game before overtime? Like I always said, Brett Favre is a dildo salesman. Retire old man.

TED GETTING ALL WORKED UP, OBSESSING OVER JETS GAME

I've been running today's AFC championship game over and over in my head and keep coming up with plenty of reasons why the Colts should win. The Colts are by far the better offensive team if you're talking about attacking by air. The Jets are gonna have a real hard time stopping Peyton from chewing them up with the slow death of 8, 9 and 14 yard throws. If there's no pressure, or confusion and Peyton has all day to throw, then the Jets are dead as dead can be. But there's something in my head, some weird glint of trust that I've never had for the Jets as long as I've been following them that says, "Relax, all will be well... we'll cover their guys, we'll get to Manning, the Jets will win, it's our year...it's our destiny."

That's the voice I'm trying to listen to versus the cold hard reality of Peyton and the Colts...but then I start thinking again...

I was watching the replay of last week's Raven's Colts playoff and my initial take on the game that the Ravens had given up too early on the run, was correct. The Ravens played into the Colts hands in more ways than one. They not only stopped running the ball enough but when they did run, their top rusher, Ray Rice, was going lateral, east-west or was trying to work the edges too much. The guard's were pulling right or left allowing gaps not for running through but for d-backs and linebackers to shoot through to stuff the run, the ravens just quit without smacking enough teeth in the trenches. Even though they were inconsistent and by the forth quarter had mostly given up on the run, the Ravens and Ray Rice still managed to brake open a 30 yard run. The only problem was that he fumbled it into the hands of the Colts pretty much putting an end to the game.

There was another thing I saw that bothered me on the NFL networks mic'd up aspect of the game. The mic picked up Ravens coach John Harbaugh near the end of the game telling Ray Rice that the team wasn't good enough and that he knows what they need and he'll make them better. This kind of bothered me because if the coach is telling players what's missing in a team during the game, albeit at the end, then he went into the game with too many reservations and never really had true intentions of winning it anyway. Now there's no doubt that Jet's coach, Rex Ryan knows that the Jets need a true deep threat receiver and a hell on wheels pass rushing defensive end but those needs are the last thing he will ever acknowledge or even hint at until the Jets season is officially over. This is a guy who has his team believing they are the 86' Bears or the 1990 Giants or the 2000 Ravens maybe even the 2007 Giants. If winning in football is determined more by coaching than by talent then the Jets are roughly 85% Rex Ryan. They have guzzled his Superbowl cool aid and they all want 2nd helpings. You cannot underestimate the positive effects that Rex has had on this team or the loyalty he seems to cultivate. They love him, they believe in him and they will go through walls for him.

I've actually thought a bit about this during the week.. Which team has the Coaching advantage? Jets V Colts. Well the Colts coach made them quit at 14 - 0 to save their strength for the playoffs while the Jets coach cried and prematurely told them they were eliminated from the playoffs.

Hopefully, the Jets will be smarter and use their bigger line and bigger backs to stab repeatedly at the heart of the Colts D straight up the gut, off tackle, right and left into the heart of the quick but smaller line and linebackers. The Colts will stuff it initially but the bruising will be rough. The key for the Jets during these early, lean down, running periods, is to not turn the ball over while giving back bigger hits than they receive. A shitty one yard gain in the 1st will earn you 5 yard dividends in the 4th when it really counts. There is nothing more frustrating to a team then having 8 or 9 guys in the box and still giving up big run after big run.

In the extras from this week in the NFL during the Jets Chargers game, they show chargers defensive players pointing out that #23 Sonn Greene is back in the game and that the defense Better "wrap up." Two plays later he runs for a 50 plus yard touchdown. That is what the jets have to do on Sunday.

There are a million ways this could go wrong for the Jets but today, all I have is hope. Real hope. .

JETS-COLTS AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME: TED BREAKS IT DOWN

Wowy kazowi, my friggin red headed step child Jets are in the AFC championship game. Scary scary scary. My blood pressure will be at near catastrophic stroke levels on sunday so I will have to stabilize myself with plenty of booze and pills. OK, so how do I see this game going down? I see a path for Jets victory and a path for defeat. Mostly defeat but there is hope i will write out the best scenario.

If the Jets play like they did the first time they met Peyton and co. this year they will lose and lose convincingly. I just re-watched the game on the NFL network and saw good and bad things. The bad things were that the Jets offense killed themselves with stupid reverses, twice they left Dwight Freeney unblocked and they had like the last two weeks, an overcautious pass attack. The Jets will have to be more aggressive while keeping themselves free from turnovers to win. basically they have to play perfectly on offense. On the defensive side, the Jets left open receivers who Peyton either overthrew or the players themselves dropped passes. This can't happen again if the jets want to win.

For the Jets to be successful in this game offensively they have to utilize three wide receiver sets in both run and passing downs. The quick, good tackling, Colts defense will be swarming and attack the Jets running game successfully to start the game so Mark Sanchez is going to have to be accurate throwing for first downs in the first quarter to move the chains. The jets cannot afford to get off to a slow start offensively. They have to come out super aggressive on offense and change the expected look of their offensive game plan. The jets are going to have the throw the ball more often on first and second down to keep the quick Colts defense on their heels when the run comes. The Colts have a very good pass rush which will make play action a little tougher and the defense is quick on the perimeter so quick outs won't be successful either. Sanchez will have to use the quick slants over the middle and the Jets offensive line will have to hold back Dwight Freeney to give Sanchez time for longer stabs down field to Braylon Edwards. One or two long completions early in the first quarter and the Jets running game will be set up. Don't be surprised to see the jets to employ the flea flicker for a quick touchdown in this game. If the jets mix the run with throws on 1st 2nd and third downs they will have put just enough guess in the Colts D so that they can't keep 8 or 9 guys in the box to stuff the run. In the end the Jets will have to run the ball successfully to win. They have to run Shonn Greene from the get go. Thomas Jones has been hampered by a bad knee and a long season has taken a toll on his speed. Greene is the man that bashes and bruises the defense. A steady diet of Shonn and the smaller Colts D will start to crack. The key to the game is to keep the game close while the Jets running game slowly beats the shit out of the defense.

On the defensive side the Jets have to not allow touchdowns, period. They have to come out defensively on fire and impose their will. they have to play with no abandon and go man to man blitz almost every down bring the fury and create the impression that they are world beaters. Peyton is gonna move the ball and he probably won't be sacked so the key is to make him throw when he doesn't want to and sneak a few shot in on him from time to time. Confuse and confound him. Try to separate his head from his body. Figuratively of course. You have to throw off his rhythm as much as you can. The Jets Defense cannot allow the underneath dink and dunk all day. That is what Peyton does best, he's super accurate with a quick release so he'll throw underneath all day and kill you, the guy is a fucking menace. The Jets best hope is that they can disguise their coverages late enough so that when he finally calls his play the coverage is different then he thought it would be, he has to rush his throw because the blitz is coming his passes aren't as on target and his receivers aren't in the right position. The jets need to be plus 2 in turnovers to win so they have to make Peyton throw at least picks. The Colts will move the ball successfully but the jets have to make every play every completion difficult so much so that the Colts get worn down physically and mentally by the constant blitzing and frustrated by not having wide open receivers. This will lead to mistakes which the jets will have to take advantage of in order to win. The jets D will have to put points on the board for the jets to win. This of course is way easier said than done.

How I see it.
Jets 21 Colts 17
jets make it to the supoerbowl

THE AWESOME HEALING POWER OF A GOOD WANK

John Mayer is featured in an article in the new rolling stone magazine and has a good take on tiger wood's issues and the rehabilitating effects of yanking your crank.
"
I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn't pick up because I'm masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion...I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It's like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself."

I do it cause I'm always horny but he's right, I was all ticked off over the Massachusetts thing then a few minutes with hot pornstar Carolyn Reese...
and boom, all my worries gone. Life had begun anew. All my rage exploded out of my johnson at a 1000 miles an hour. Now some might say, why wank? Just go and have have sex. Wrong. I wish I was in the kind of relationship where I could call to my wife and say," Hey honey, gird your loins, I'm about to throw a rage fuck on you to eliminate my anger over this Massachusetts thing." but women are funny about those kind of things. They want to believe your having sex because you love them, not because someone lost an election. That's where this chick comes in, she doesn't give a shit about anything but being hot. People like her serve an important purpose and are a universal good. Trust me, if jerking off didn't exist the entire earth would look like Detroit after a Pistons win in the NBA finals. John Mayer is right, if Tiger spent more time with fake internet chicks and less time with barmaids, cocktail waitresses, models, escorts, strippers and actual pornstars, he'd have one less dent in his head and a lot more sponsors.

MASSACHUSETTS ELECTION... DOH!

Well the wise people of Massachusetts have spoken, they sent a guy who posed naked in a chick magazine and alluded to the President being a bastard to Washington DC to be their senator with the express goal of killing the health care bill. Okey dokey. That is what democracy is all about, people choosing between a naked asshole and an incompetent chick. The democrats losing this election was the fault of many, many people. From the President, to congress, to the DNC to The Massachusetts democratic establishment for allowing a cipher to win their primary to the candidate Martha Coakley herself who possibly ran the worst campaign of all time.

I said it months ago that Obama should have taken the heads of AIG and Citigroup and bank of America and Lehman brothers and all the other culprits of this meltdown and thrown them into a fucking gulag for six months. Obama had to show more public rage at the financial institutions that have fucked over Americans for years and led to the explosion of our economy. Heads should have very publicly rolled. I guess Obama was too busy being a socialist to put big bankers in jail.

Maybe this election will light a fire under Obama to break up these too big to fail banks, grab our tarp money out of their vaults and to throw these cocksuckers in jail.



The second thing he should have done was he never should have given the job of fixing healthcare to congress. He should have written the bill and gotten it passed with 51 votes through reconciliation. Not being quick and forceful on the issue put it in the hands of the worst of the worst. Once you had morons like Sarah Palin telling the idiots in this country that there were death panels written into the bill and once you let Joe, the biggest asshole in the Universe, Lieberman and Max Baucus fuck with it for months and months, it was over.

Maybe Someone will come up with an easy to pass bill through reconciliation. Eliminate the insurance industry monopoly, make it illegal to deny coverage for pre-existing condition, expand medicare to those 55 and over allow the unemployed to go on the public market for healthcare and allow the import of cheaper drugs. Get a bill so easy to explain to the morons in this country that they will want it and dare republicans to vote against it.

Now the people of Massachusetts who are almost all covered by a public healthcare law, have sent a message, that healthcare for the rest of the country is not important. Good for them, the next time someone waits six hours in a waiting room because uninsured Joe six pack is getting treated for a sore throat, or the next time someone goes to be treated for a condition and they find out that they already have another illness and they get dropped from their insurance they can point to Massachusetts and say "thanks massholes!"

The Dems could still pass this bill but they won't because the Democrats are pussies. There is no fight in these pansies. Democrats don't have the balls to lead and republicans don't have the brains. Republicans love to fight the only problem is they fight for nothing. They represent nothing and strive to accomplish nothing....they are nihilists...we believe in nothing lebowski! The only thing Republicans believe in is God, guns, and low taxes. Not enough to run a country unless that country is Afghanistan. I always wonder why Republicans, people who don't believe in Governing or government, would run for office... to run... the government. Then we're all surprised when they get in and do nothing.

The peolple in this country have very short memories. They forgot that Bush and congress had a long time to accomplish something, anything, but did nothing. All they did was run up the deficit and destroy the economy which Obama is now being blamed for. The dems are weak but at least they try to accomplish something, The healthcare bill while imperfect, was an attempt to change the status quo to actually do something. They just didn't do it smartly or quickly and now they'll all pay whether they come up with a bill or not.

JUST HOW INSANE ARE THESE TITS?

My god I want to hug them and love them and name them and take them out with me in a stroller and kiss them and bathe them and sing them songs and caress them and rub them when they get a boo boo and take them to the beach and put sun block on them and build a sandcastle around them and put them on a swing and watch them go up and down and back and forth and up and down and back and forth then I just want to have some good, old fashioned, rough housing with them, a little wrastlin' in a kiddie pool filled with baby oil then I want to take a long a shower with them and soap them up and squeegee them off and then make an ice cream sundae on them with whipped cream and hot fudge and eat it off of them without a spoon and then fall asleep on them and dream sweet dreams of red heads with giant, mountainous, tits of alabaster.

IT'S FOOTBALL SUNDAY AND I'VE CHANGED MY PICK

I had a sudden urge to reevaluate my original take on the Jets chargers game. I was watching both of yesterdays games and I saw what the raven did wrong against the Colts and figured the Jets have a better chance today after seeing what a defensive run oriented team did right and wrong against a high powered offense. The ravens could have won that game if it weren't for turnovers and the fact that they abandoned the run too early.

I went back and looked at the secret behind the chargers success and it turns out they won 11 games in a row by playing shitball teams and just barely beating them. The only good teams they played and won against were Dallas and the Broncos but they lost to the Bengals and the Ravens two teams that play a style similar to the Jets. Now the Jets don't have a great pass rush and have to Blitz a lot so they will give up a lot of yardage by air but I still think they will bend and not break and in the end the superiority of the jets defense and their running game will beat the Chargers. If the jets are patient with their ground game and spread enough passes around successfully to keep San Diego honest, the offense will smack the shit out of the Chargers D and wear them down and it will chew up clock keeping the Rivers stewing on the bench. He's a hot head and i think the jets will fuck with him enough to get him off his game. I don't think the Chargers are going to be ready to get pushed around by a more physical team. In the end the pounding in the trenches just takes its toll and the running plays start to pop off 10 yards at a time. I think the jets offensive line will be kicking ass and the constant blitzes by the D will just be too much for the pussy assed Chargers. The jets will eventually come out on top 24-20. Let's go jets! Prove me right you fuckers.

As for Dallas Vs Vikings? Brett Favre is a dildo salesman, Dallas will win 27- 17

update: it's halftime in the Dallas game. Dallas is losing 17-3 because of turnovers. Did I say Favre is a dildo salesman? I meant Romo is. if dallas can hold them on defense and Romo holds onto the ball I still say Dallas is better but they're playing like douchefucks


Update: 1:36 am bedtime but one last word on The Jets game. I was pretty much right on with this, except for the final score. The Jets offensive line and run game not as overpowering as I had hoped but the defense did basically everything I expected it to. And in the end the jets broke a huge 50 yard run for a TD and got a big first down rushing to ice the game. San Diego's 2 missed field goals within the 40 killed them but the Chargers also had an obvious turnover in their own end given back to them. That replay giveback was a fucking gift from the NFL honcho's who were hoping for a Colts Chargers playoff game. Too bad assholes, you lose. Jets win! Even better, I was right! As for the Dallas Cowboys...no heart in that Dallas team. Tony Romo is a giant fucking clownshoe. keep turning it over Tony. you suck.

ALL TAPED UP AND NO ONE TO BLOW: CHINA CANCELS MR. GAY CHINA PAGEANT

Those dirty commie bastards shut down what would have the very first, public, Chinese celebration of man on man love. Why the fuck would they do that? You would figure in a place as overpopulated as China the government would want guys fucking each other instead of banging women and then throwing the unwanted kids into water filled ditches.

Just an hour before the pageant that was to be held in a Beijing disco got underway the cops raided the place and said that it couldn't take place because they didn't get the proper permit. The pageant would have involved dancing and a fashion show hosted by a drag queen. I feel bad for the people being denied their rights but my only problem with gays looking for equality is this; if you want people not to judge you as different but to look at you as just a regular person like anyone else except for the fact that you love people within the same sex, then don't have parades and pageants where the goofiest, most bizarre, sex nuts come out dressed in leather, feather boas and duct tape. Most gay people don't do that stupid shit so why do they let the fringe represent them? It would be like straight men using Tiger Woods as a spokesman for heterosexuality and monogamy or having a parade float of Bill Clinton sticking a cigar in a giant chicken wire and paper mache vagina. Bad idea. Have parades with gay firemen, teachers, pilots, doctors, nurses, cowboys, indian chief, construction worker and a motorcycle cop, whatever, just tell Chang-Chang, the fister man to stay at home with his gimp in a box. He's not helping any body.

CARRIE PREJEAN AND THE NIPPLE OF GOD

Ms. California, the most bible thump'n, gay bash'n, masturbatory home film makin', nipple showin', ass bikini wearin' warrior for Jesus in all of Christendom . She's been out of the news for a while so what's a good way back in? Nipples and ass.

"Oh? is my nipple hanging out in front of a photographer? How did that happen? It's so funny I don't feel it sticking out like that nor do I feel the bikini top raking across my nip. Ooops, my bad, praise Jesus."

I love this chick, she's hot as hell, dumb as a stump, likes to get naked and of course, she just loves, loves, loves herself, some Jesus Christ. Keep up the good work Carrie, you're the most saintly tramp I know.

CHEATERS IS A MOST AWESOME SHOW

I've been watching way too much tv this cold winter. There's nothing to do but watch TV, read or get drunk so I'm reading a little, getting drunk a little more and watching tons of dumb shit. One of my newest finds is the show cheaters. I don't know what channel it's on or what time it's on but I keep finding it and it's always worth a laugh or two. On of the best parts about this show is this creepy douchebag host that tries to seem greasily sympathetic to the person being cheated on while encouraging the aggrieved partner to hunt down and catch and confront their spouse mid-cheat. I don't want to seem racist but the episodes involving black people are much more entertaining. They go fucking nuts on each other, baby mommas, dirty ass skeezers, broke ass dead beat dads, original gangstas, mad pimp ass playas, trick ass bitches, they all bring the real crazy shit. It's some funny shit yo.

I've seen some good ones that leave me wondering if the whole thing is fake because I can't believe the behavior of the people cheating and the people getting cheated on. One guy gets caught and the girlfriend says, Give me my car back!" The guy says, "No problem, here's the keys, see ya later." he tosses his ex the keys, gets into a car and rolls off with the much hotter chick he just got caught with. He couldn't have cared less.

The best episode I saw was when some middle class computer programming nerd was banging his 18 year old, black, babysitter. The wife rolls up on hubby mid-blowjob and goes batshit smacking her husband and the babysitter around while both scramble to get their clothes on. The guy is trying to get his pants up saying, "It's not what you think it is." while he's still pulling up his underwear and he's got no shirt on. The wife then calls the babysitter's big, black, daddy and tells him to pick up his whore of a daughter. The dad shows up with a baseball bat and attacks the cheating husband. The husband, after getting roughed up a bit then turns the whole thing on the wife, "It's your fault, if you were taking care of me I wouldn't be banging our babysitter." The babysitter chimes in, "I love him!" The wife then goes into, "maybe it is my fault?" mode and is scared that a hot young chick wants to fuck her husband and starts to try to get the husband back by crying about how much she loves him. The guy gets caught naked fucking his 18 year old babysitter, narrowly escapes being killed and guilts his wife into accepting the blame and taking him back. The guy is a Jedi mind trick master, he's my hero. I love this show.

PENELOPE CRUZ ES MUY CALIENTE

Boom! Look at Spanish rumpa. Me likey. Tan, brown, round, attached to stuff that feels good when you put your wiener in... it's Simply divine. If I knew anything about Spanish cuisine or the spanish language I'd make some allusion to eating it up Spanish style but being that I only know mexican slang and the taco bell menu I will say this, Aye carumba, her culo es muy bello, estoy has grande, loco chihuahua in Pants. Estoy comido that up like a delicioso chalupa.

WHEN SCARY IDIOT MET RETARDED SCARY IDIOT

Sarah Palin did an hour long interview with Glenn Beck yesterday and it was a creepy asskissfest of right wing paranoia and flat out stupidity. The vagaries that these two fucking clowns spew, the alternate universe of reality and truth that they inhabit and the self aggrandizement they both display is really sickening. The fact that there are many people in this country that admire and trust these people is truly disturbing. This country is turning into a fucking joke and it's not the president who did it.

Glenn Beck is completely out of his fucking mind and makes basically no sense but at least tries to truck in the world of facts. His take on the founding fathers and American and world history is always completely wrong but at least he'll throw out a name or a date or a theory, Sarah Palin cannot answer a single question with a factually based answer. Everything she says is a talking point with no statistic or fact behind it. She and Beck both avoid truth and fact as if it's poison ivy he's a conspiracy theorist who sees communist boogeymen everywhere and she is a completely empty headed clod.
It's the anti-fact, anti-intellectual, right wing meshed with the uber christianists that are going to truly kill this country. G.W. Bush started the destruction and these two clowns will help tear it down. When it finally happens I'll be long gone living in Ireland or some other "leftist" country where sanity still prevails and rednecks don't exist.

It's going to be sad to watch from afar as the right wing in this country try their hardest to turn America into Afghanistan.

Andrew Sullivan who considers himself a true conservative, describes the fusion of the Beck Palin crowd buoyed and led by Fox news this way, "If you are not alarmed by this development - a new, proto-fascist political party being recreated on television in front of our very eyes - then you have not read much history."

This particular clip is phony christian, end time theology, dominionist, nut job scary

EARTHQUAKE IN HAITI SARAH PALIN ON FOX NEWS: 2 MORE SIGHN OF THE APOCOLYPSE

Two scary things were wrought upon the world yesterday, an earthquake in Haiti and Sarah Palin on Fox News, The earthquake in Haiti has killed many people and if this idiot ever makes it to the presidency we'll all die. She's a fucking future atrocity yet to be unleashed upon innocent people but for right now, the people in Haiti need help. I donated a few bucks cause I'm a sweetie pie, if you feel like it, do the same.

American Red Cross Haiti relief can be offered by phone. The numbers to call are 1-800-RED-CROSS or 1-800-257-7575. or you can go to this site, http://american.redcross.org/site/PageServer?pagename=ntld_main&s_subsrc=RCO_ResponseStateSection but upon more reading the best places to donate are the organizations that already have a substantial ground presence in Haiti Save the Children - CARE - World Vision - Oxfam - ADRA - Plan

I'M WITH CONAN

Fuck Jay Leno and his lame ass show. He's a greedy, slimy weaselly huge jawed douche. Fuck NBC too, nobody hurts my beloved Conan. Conan's show is way funnier than Jay Leno's ever was and they never really gave the guy a chance. Seven months of ratings behind Letterman and they bail on him. Ridiculous. By all accounts, Conan is one of the nicest, more genuine people in show business so of course Leno and NBC are trying to take advantage of him. It was great that Conan showed some balls and told NBC and Jay Leno (in so many words) to go fuck themselves. He told them he wouldn't move the tonight show to a later time and if they don't like it, tough shit. He basically said, fuck you, you want Jay Leno? Have him, but first pay out my 40 million dollar contract and set me free so I can go head to head against both Jay and Dave and the ratings will get split even more. Genius power play the executives at NBC got themselves embroiled in. In the end, I hope Conan somehow pulls off a comeback and wins the battle, if not, we'll probably see him on fox.

A HEINOUS PIG NAMED "SNOOKI"

If there was really a benevolent God up in heaven, would he really allow this disgusting pile of shit to walk the same earth as all of us good people? The Brooklyn teacher that punched this cow in the face should be given the medal of honor. It's too bad he didn't knock her useless head right off her neck into a toilet bowl so we could once and for all flush this enormous turd away for good. I hope another teacher from Brooklyn gives her an atomic roundhouse kick right to the uterus and sends it shooting out her asshole so this sow doesn't bring any more of her ilk onto this good earth. The only way this woman could make me happy s if she lowered herself into a vat of molten iron like Arnold did in terminator II, otherwise we should drop her from a plane into a Taliban village so they can violate her with their stinking, shit wiping, hands and camel fucking dicks until a drone fires a hellfire missile right into her face .

HOARDERS: IF YOU LIKE CRAZY ASS, DISGUSTING PEOPLE, THEN THIS IS YOUR SHOW

There are some sick, sick individuals out there in the world. Anyone who has watched the show Hoarders on A&E knows exactly what I'm talking about. It's amazing that people can purposely choose to live like pigs in enormous piles of shit and not seek help or even find it strange that they do it. Now when I say piles of shit I literally mean piles, I don't know how these people live. They tend to clean out only three tiny areas, one spot to watch TV, the toilet and somewhere to sleep. Other than that, they live in a stinking, rotting, maze of garbage.

Last night I was watching an episode and there was a mother with two adult children who were fed up with their mom and just could not stand that she lived like a pig. It had gotten so bad that the mother threatened to kill herself if they brought up he hoarding again and they called her bluff. They said they would disown her if she didn't clean up her act. The daughter who was pretty good looking, was pissed off at her mom for being a wreck and for shortchanging her a normal childhood. While she and her police officer brother were cleaning out their mothers bedroom the daughter kept gagging and dry heaving at the putrid smell of dirty clothes and paper and old rotting food piled chest high.

The other hoarder was a 29 year old guy who was in the early stages of becoming a hoarder. He had empty beer bottles all over the place and dirty pint glasses piled up, fast food containers clothes lying around, it kind of looked like my house this past weekend. But the guy was already confusing garbage for something worth keeping. He was talking about an old beer bottle having a purpose and that it's first use was over but it's journey as an item had just begun. That's the kind of thinking that leads to someone having a few empties lying around to having a house piled to the rafters with nothing but shit. The guy had a bottle of cherry soda that he had placed on his coffee table a year ago and just didn't see any need to ever move it. As bad as this guy was, he wasn't completely over the top, his place was just a mess in it's infancy, a baby disaster area. He just looked like a fat, lazy, slob. His issues were anxiety and slightly bipolar related, but nothing too extreme. He had a pretty hot girlfriend who was gonna dump him if he didn't fix his fucked up brain and shit filled house so he decided to seek help. By the end of the episode his house looked good and he had so far averted a lonely life with only stacks of crap to keep him company.

There was an episode about a month ago with a cat lady. She didn't only hoard endless heaps of junk but she allowed dozens and dozens of cats to mill about within it. When they called in animal control they were pulling out diseased kittens, sick cats plus the rotting corpses of dead cats and kittens that were decaying under piles of boxes and empty food containers. It was truly disgusting. The animal control people had to put down almost all of the cats because they were dying or diseased. I believe that woman got arrested for animal cruelty and ended up in psych ward. The one thing about a lot of these people are they always seem to have an enabler, usually a husband that has somehow allowed their wives to go batshit insane and not do anything to help them. I know how they feel, my wife is on the outer edge of being a hoarder. She saves every piece of paper from her job and every toy, stuffed animal or bit of clothes we have ever bought for our children My attic is filling up with stuff for the mythical yard sale we're gonna have one day. Pretty soon I'm gonna have to call in the hoarders dumpster patrol and chuck out everything in my house and send the wife to go live with the cat lady.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR FOOTBALL IN THE WINTER, I'D BLOW MY HEAD OFF

My jets had a big win this weekend and the biggest douche to ever coach a team, Bill Belichick, watched his, not so special anymore Patriots, go down the shitter. This scenario of the Jets beating the Bengals and the Ravens beating New England sends the Jets out to the sunny west coast to face off against the second best offensive team in the AFC, The San Diego Chargers. If the Jets should somehow win and the Ravens somehow knock off the Colts, the AFC championship game would be played in the meadowlands..but that's thinking wayyy to far ahead.

As for the games this weekend, the Jets surprisingly sucked balls against the Bengals running game but even more surprisingly, Jets Quarterback Mark Sanchez, had a nice day throwing the ball. He would have had an even better day if the Jets', drop plagued,wide receiver, Braylon Edwards could have squeezed his stony hands around Sanchez's perfectly thrown 45 yard bomb in the end zone.

Taking all of the missed opportunities by both the Jets and the Bengals into account, the Jets were the better team but not by much. Carson Palmer threw the ball like shit and the Bengals missed two easy chip shot field goals but the jets had a dropped touchdown and a field goal taken away by penalty so they cancel each other out. I called the game for the Jets 17-13 and the jets won 24-14, so close enough. I had an enjoyable rant and expletive filled time watching the game with my Bro-in-law and a friend. The 9 or 10 Newcastles I swigged took the edge off a little. In the end, it was great to see the Jets win, I put on the Dallas game and then conked out in my comfy chair by the fire.

As for next week's game, the Jets will keep it close, they will be able to run the ball and chew time off the clock against the Chargers but the lack of a 4 man pass rush will hurt the Jets against Rivers and his air attack. They will have to blitz too much and get burned a few times. Barring the Charges turning the ball over 3 times, the jets will lose a close one 27-24. I hope I'm wrong.

As for the Patriots, they were fucked form the get go yesterday. Belichick thought he was being cute after they won the toss to start the game but still decided to kick off. The only time you do that is when you have a shut down defense and a shit offense and it's a brutal windy day and you want to have the wind at your back in the 2nd and 4th quarters. Doing it today was just douche baggery from a douche bag coach. The Ravens took the kickoff to the 16 yard line and then ran 84 yards on the first play from scrimmage for a touchdown. Take that smarty pants. The Pats looked like they didn't really want to be there and Tom Brady looked like a very hurt old man. Glad to see them go away this year. Fuck the Pats, fuck Belichick. Go raven against the Colts.

I DOUBT I'VE SEEN A BETTER MOVIE RECENTLY

I've been catching the 2008 film, Doubt, a lot lately on cable and with each viewing I am more and more impressed. The movie is simply amazing. Meryl Streep and Phillip Seymore Hoffman are both ridiculously good in this film. Part of my fondness for this movie is the dead on derisive tone and condescension displayed by the nun that Meryl Streep plays, Sister Aloysius. Her portrayal is so eerily close to some of the teachers of my own childhood that it's almost like going back in a time machine. She's scary and is uncannily nun-ish. The movie takes place in a Bronx, Catholic Grade school in 1964 right as the Vatican II changes are taking affect within the Catholic church. I went into the 1st grade of Saint Anthony's of Padua school in 1973, that's 9 years after the setting of this film, if you never went to parochial school, believe me, even in the 70's, things were still pretty old school.

Streep's dictatorial and cold Principal and mother Superior, Sister Aloysius, is as old school as they come, to the point of railing against heretical songs like Frosty the Snowman and the menace of ballpoint pens and the disastrous affect they're having on the penmanship of young Americans. Seymore Phillip Hoffman plays a young Priest named Father Flynn who is new to the mostly Irish and Italian parish and whose progressive ways and thought provoking sermon's raise the hackles and suspicions of Sister Aloysius. Being that this is the catholic church, Eventually there is an accusation of impropriety levied at the priest who has taken the school's first black student under his wing...so to speak. This is the crux of the film. Sister Aloysius is convinced beyond a "doubt" that Hoffman's father Flynn has made sexual advances on the young boy. Father Flynn is faced with the possibility of his life and reputation being destroyed by a Nun with a vendetta based solely on her suspicions and unflinching certitude. There are hints thrown into the movie that raise your own doubts. Did he do it? Is he innocent? Why is one student disgusted by the priest while the supposed victim in awe of him? Everyone has their reasons and motivations and even after the movie's over, the guessing never stops.

There is a scene in the movie where Meryl Streep speaks with the mother of the boy she believes is being abused and alerts her of her suspicions. Again, as in all the other characters, the motives of the mother and what she wants for her son affect how she takes the news that a priest might be sexually molesting her son. It's a great scene. The actress playing the boys mother, Viola Davis, delivers some of the best acting I've ever, ever, seen. She should have won an Oscar for the 8 minutes that she's on the screen. It's pretty remarkable, she goes toe to toe with Meryl Streep and wins.

I've seen this movie now about 6 times and I still have my own doubts about what it's trying to say. I love movies that don't give you easy answers. I like being right about things but I also like the power of ambiguity. It's doubt that makes life interesting but that's why my life is so dull, I'm always right, and I'm certain of it.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

This is teenybopper actress Amanda Bynes showing the world how grown up she is now by wearing a big, giant, pair of black granny panties for the ubiquitous crotch shot. Could this be less hot? Could her expression be any more bored? I know those are shorts but they look like a pair of adult diapers, they're all loose and baggy and might as well be filled with poo. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, "I like more crotch in my crotch shot." For this to be done correctly those shorts have to be about 4 sizes smaller and the top button has to be undone. Duh, it's pervy Maxim camera work 101. This picture is actually kind of creepy, I feel like I'm a camp counselor and accidentally got a peak at a 15 year old girls bush while she sits in the grass making friendship bracelets. God awful shot. Good work Amanda, way to break out of the kiddie actress genre into the kiddie porn genre. Well done.

RIHANNA'S ASS MAKES ME WANT TO TAKE A BITE OUT OF RIHANNA'S ASS

Goodness me, that girl's got some fine rump meat. I'd like to pull a Chris Brown and punch the shit out of that ass... with my dick. Sorry but I want to pour baby oil on that thing and stare at my ass crack, divided reflection until I go blind. I want to spread flour on her ass, get some cookie dough and roll it flat on her ass with a rolling pin, then I want to bake the cookies, place them on her ass, eat the cookies off her ass and drink some cold milk while resting the glass on her ass, spill milk all over her ass, apologize for being so clumsy and then have sex with her milk and cookie ass. C'mon If you don't want to eat cookies off of this, then you're just a big Ol' gay.

CHELSEA HANDLER=NOT FUNNY

Every now and then after midnight I'll be flipping through the channels and I come across this pasty atrocious faghag trying to be funny. Chelsea Handler is a so-called comedian with a show on E called Chelsea Lately and it's mostly her interviewing famous people and she and a bunch of unfunny gays being snarky about celebs. For me, a comedian sucks when I can figure out the lame punchlines before they roll off their idiot tongues. This bitch's shit is weak, telegraphed, horseshit. Another way I know when a comedian sucks is when I can state, without fear of sounding like braggart, that I'm much funnier than them. If I'm funnier than you, and your job is making people laugh, then you seriously suck. Another reason I don't like this hack is her looks. I know that's mean but I'm not being shallow, I don't care if you look like James Woods, if you're funny, I'll laugh.

I don't like her looks because A) she always looks like she hasn't bathed. She's very greasy, pasty and sweaty looking. B) I don't like chicks that get layouts in playboy that 1. don't show any skin and 2. aren't hot enough for me to want to bang...And that's saying something. I know it's not fair to judge her talent, or lack thereof, based on how I view her looks, but I've had sex with hotter chicks than her and she was in Playboy? Outrageous. For that fact alone she blows.

ARTIE LANGE: THE MAN WHO COULDN'T DIE

I read over the past weekend that stand up comedian Artie Lange from the Howard Sterns radio show had been hospitalized for unknown reasons, today it came out that Artie Tried to kill himself with a knife. According to page six in the New York Post, "Troubled comic Artie Lange landed in the hospital after stabbing himself nine times in an apparent suicide attempt, sources told The Post. Lange's frantic mom called 911 Saturday morning after she entered his Hoboken apartment and found the bloodied funnyman, a law-enforcement source said. Lange sustained six "hesitation wounds" and three deep plunges..."

Anyone who has listened to Howard over the past 5 years knows what a train wreck Artie is. He's a junkie, a drunk, a degenerate gambler, a habitual liar, a gigantic, fat, slob who frequents prostitutes, pops more vicodin and Oxycontin than Rush Limbaugh, just pleaded guilty to driving while intoxicated and has a major death wish. He's also a very funny guy, he just doesn't like being alive too much. If all the talk about his heroin and coke abuse is true, it sounds like he's been trying to kill himself for the better part of 20 years. He's been in and out of rehabs and has failed at every attempt to clean up his life. Last year there was a very interesting episode of Howard's show when DR. Drew Pinsky from celebrity rehab came on and told Artie that if he didn't get some serious help soon, that he'd be dead within a year. Dr. Drew was almost right but Artie is doing his best Rasputin/superman routine. I worry about my health when I eat too much pizza or drink too many beers and yet somehow this enormous, pill popping, self mutilating, heroin addict is still alive. He's the fucking terminator. He's Unstoppable.

Anyone who knows the show knows that Artie blames some of his drug use on the guilt he feels over not being with his father when his father, a roofer, feel off a ladder and became a quadriplegic. Artie blames himself for what happened to his dad who he idolized and the eventual death of his father has kept Artie wracked with remorse and guilt. I look at his father's falling story and as Artie says, "Waaaaaaaaa!" Get over it. Everyone's got a story for why they do what they do, and in Artie's case, everything he says is always part bullshit. Artie was also a spoiled kid growing up whose mom and dad did everything for him. His mom still brings him food and does his laundry. Most of the time he doesn't come across as tortured, he just comes off more like a spoiled baby that just wants his drugs because he likes them. He let's everyone down all the time and if drug abuse is a disease, it's a disease first caused by selfishness and narcissism. He's obviously a very disturbed person but seriously, who would want their elderly mother to find them after a suicide? At least take it to a hotel, save your poor mom that sight.

Of course this is also just another cry for help, but everyone has already tried to help this guy, everyone that is, except himself. I like Artie and I'm glad he didn't manage to kill himself but he's pretty much just a fat, untrustworthy, selfish junkie. He's gotta grow up and take responsibility for his own problems and stop romanticizing the guilt that enables his behavior, just fess up to being a little brat and clean up or maybe he should just put a bullet through his head and get it over with. Stop torturing the people that care about him and be a man.

"GIVE IT UP TO THE BEST SET OF BACK TITS!"

The people of Wal Mart web site now has an awesome rap song. It's actually the best rap song I've heard in a while. Shit made me laugh yo.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

SAFETY PORN

Oh yeaahhhh, see the way she strapped that gun to her right, upper, ass cheek like it was a flesh shelf? Man I'd hit that. That's some Sexy shit. If only she was wrapping those thick, whitish blue, thighs around me right now while I stroked the bald albino looking head and fondled her delicious scoops of chest vanilla. Then all would be right with the world. I see a big future in safety, body scanning porn. Girls gone translucent. Spring break!

She actually looks like something from the Tool video for the song, "Stinkfist" and fisting is sexy so anything even remotely resembling a person in a video to a song about fisting must be sexy too. It is actually the most ass kickenist song about fisting so I'll post it.

UHHH NO, FUCK YOU

The fucked up looking blond on the right is, or more aptly, was, Casey Johnson, the Johnson and Johnson heiress and Daughter of NY Jets owner Woody Johnson. She was pretty much a trainwreck and spoiled junkie who had been cut off from the family fortune and had her adopted child taken away by her mother as if it were a Pomeranian. As if all that weren't enough proof of looming disaster, she had recently become"engaged" to Tila Tequila. If all that didn't show just how troubled she was, well then dying at the age of 30 did. I just hope the Jets react better to the sad news than her girlfriend Tila has. The diminutive wannabe porn star or internet star or reality star or whatever the hell kind of media whore Tila Tequila is, has Tweeted the entire ordeal with obvious idiotic results,

"Everyone please pray 4 my Wifey Casey Johnson. She has passed away. Thank u for all ur love and support but I will be offline to be w family,"

a few moments of being offline seemed enough

"This is a very heartbreaking time for me. I just want some pricacy as I deal with the loss of my Fiance Casey Johnson. I'm heart is shredded,"

but then alas! Some Hope!

"I just got news that my fiance is not dead but currently in a coma!!! Omg please pray that she will make it! Hang in there my love please!!!

I know u can feel me Casey! Dot let go! I'm almost home baby please hang on! We have a beautiful life planned out for us! I LOVE u! Hang on!"

except of course, she was already dead. Nothing expresses unbearable grief like a concise tweet written by a drunken idiot. Hope Tila gets all that pricacy she keeps twittering about. Go Jets..do it for Woody...and me.

MMMM FILET O' FACE

Face is now 15.99 a pound so you have to save it for a special occasion. Choose a day like Valentines day, get yourself a nice, half a pound face. I take the eyes out of the face while cooking, some choose to leave them in but that's up to you. Make sure all the hair has been removed from the face, if not, take a razor and gently scrape the remaining hairs off, then put a little olive oil on the face making sure to get some in the mouth and nostrils, then liberally rub in salt and pepper, get it in all the pours, pop a garlic clove in both eyesockets then, and this is important, pull the eylids down over the garlic to lock that garlic taste into the face. I take a few sprigs of rosemary and shove them up each nostril and a few in the mouth and ears and then squeeze some lemon onto the face. I heat up a little oil in a frying pan, put the face in the pan, face down and sear in all the beautiful face juice for about 2 minutes. Then I take a 2 inch deep casserole dish large enough to fit a half pound face, pour in some chicken broth, some diced carrots and onions and I put the face in the dish face up. Heat the oven at 350 degrees for about 25 minutes, use a baster to keep the face moist, wait till the the face is golden brown, you should now have a tender, succulent face. Put the face on a plate and cover with the onions and carrots, let it sit for a few minutes, take some of the drippings and broth from the casserole dish and put them in a sauce pan, add a little red wine, a little butter, a tablespoon of heavy cream, some flour and boil it down for a nice facial reduction. Pour that gravy all over the face, add a sprig of parsley and serve. Your loved one will be astounded at how good a face can taste.

WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT?

New Year, new, New York Jets! Playoffs baby! I haven't seen a team this lucky since the 2004 Red Sox. The jets in no way should have made the playoffs, they played like shit against shit teams and yet somehow didn't suck as bad as all the teams that kept losing to help the Jets flop their loser asses into the post season. First it was The Colts laying down in the 2nsd half to let the Jets win, then the Jets pummeled the Cincinnati Bengals last night to clinch a playoff spot, now they can go play to Cincinnati to play the same team this Saturday. As a Jet fan this scares the crap out of me. They just knocked the snot out a team that was playing half assed in a game that didn't really mean anything to them. Not only did Cincinnati not bring its A- game, it didn't even bring its F game. They brought nothing and showed nothing so the Jets in reality saw nothing that they can use against the Bengals who are now humiliated enough to want to crush the Jets. While Cinci divulged nothing, they saw what the Jets do offensively and defensively and now can probably figure out a way to defend them and attack them better.

Normally I'd just say the Bengals suck and that the jets should win easily but the Jets can't easily beat the suck teams, even with their awesome running game, because their offense is hampered by Rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez. Every time he throws the ball I expect an interception, it's scary. The jets can run the football but I'd like to see Sanchez scare other people besides jets fans. I think overall the Jets are a better team than the Bengals but knowing my Jets, they'll scare the shit out of me and just barely beat the Bengals next week 17-13.

In other football related business, the Patriots lost their great, major pain in the ass receiver, Wes Welker. That motherfucker is gonna be missed, without him the patriots don't make the playoffs. He was impossible to cover underneath and never dropped the ball. Without him running out of the slot, Brady won't be able have the dump off passes when being blitzed and can't be as successful with the quick slants underneath the coverage and will in turn get his ass handed to him. The Pats will lose either this week or next. the guy was a game changer. When the jets beat the Patriots in September, Welker didn't play. At a Christmas party a couple of weeks ago, I was kidding around, actually telling people that I hoped he would blow his knee out or break a leg. I was only kidding but hell, if the Jets make it to play the Patriots in the playoffs, it will be a Christmas miracle. Thank you Santa. I actually felt a twinge of human emotion yesterday after he fucked his knee up. I felt bad for the guy, he was sitting on the sideline crying into a towel. He was upset and pissed off that his season was over. The guy is a tough competitor and I would love to have him on the Jets, but as Nelson Muntz would say...

WHAT TED'S DRINKING TONIGHT

So it's 11:56 pm on a Saturday night and my dinner guests just left about a half hour ago. I made a nice pasta meal with some shit in it that tastes good and some other crap on the side. I really don't care about the food, tonight was for boozing and the fact that I'm having lot's O' trouble hitting the correct keys to write this lets me know that as far as tonight's drinking goes, mission accomplished.

I started off around 4:00 today prepping for my guests. I had a little Grey Goose left in my freezer so I threw that crap on the rocks and knocked it back as I began to cut up some onions.

The Vodka in that drink was somewhat negligible. It finished off the bottle so I switched to my main bitch, the brew. I had some left over Stella Artois from Christmas so I sucked on a couple of them while I prepared my meal.

I was at the point in cooking where I needed to throw a little sauvignon blanc on the onions and garlic to keep them from scalding, so any cook knows, it's 2 for the pan, and 1 for the man. I upturned that cheapo bottle of white and had a few good snorts of the white grapes. When I cook, I always buy cheap shit, white wine, to cook with. I can't really tell the difference between good and shit white wine, so I cook with whatever crap I buy and then drink it like it's water. The cheap stuff I bought tonight was good. It was ice cold, tasted like wine and kept my garlic from becoming bitter. Boom! I Win.

So I was cooking stuff and getting a nice glow going, when the guests arrived, "Hey what's up?" "Thanks for coming! "Happy new year!" Blah, blah, blah, Whaddya have to drink? She brought some Zinfandel we open that, he wanted a beer, so I crack open2 of the most beautiful Pilsner's in the world, Pilsner Urquell. I cook, we all bullshit, time passes, a few urquell's are drunk...I'm done, dinner time. Move on to the wine.

I bought some Chianti Classico for the night, nothing crazy, just a good bottle not to break the bank, but it went down beautifully and we were all happy but could have used another. Dinner was done.

Hanging around the ol' dining room table after dinner, the ladies held onto the remnants of their wine while I broke out the good beer for me and my friend. I first brought out a sweet little honey from Belgium that my sister had just given me, Affligem Blonde. That's a fine ass beer.
We moved into the living room in front of the fire, I took out the bottle of Chimay cinq cents my brother had given me.

Gulp, gulp, gulp, good stuff. Now, by this time everyone is feeling pretty good, The kids got locked in closets, the clothes came off and it was full on swinger mode, lot's of fucking, titties, Asses, jism on the tv, the whole works................


Ok, the guys just drank a few more beers and the ladies had some tea, we bullshat and then everyone went home. Except, I was already home so I put the kids to bed and then went back to drinking. Inertia. Trying to stop me once I've started is like stopping a rolling stone from bowling down a hill. Objects in motion... tend to continue and all that. Had a nice night. I love the hootch.

IT'S A BRAND SPANKING NEW YEAR !

Happy new year to the L.O.T. of you, and By the acronym L.O.T. I mean all of you wonderful people that constitute the Legion Of Ted. May all of you have the best year you've ever had. Treat this year like it's your very own trussed up bitch just begging for a spanking. Own that shit. Smack it around until an ecstatic tear falls from its eye. Beat its ass raw until 2010 loves you like a baby loves its momma. Be bold, be reckless, say what you mean, mean what you say and do what you want. Have a good time all the the time. Love the one's who love you and piss on those that don't. As my friend Scott M. would say, "Drive fast, Take chances ." Have a great year ya'll. Now I'm gonna go drop some acid and fuck a kangaroo! Yeeee haaaaw!