HUMOR, POLITICS, NEWS, SEX, BOOZE, MUSIC, MOVIES, SPORTS AND EXTEMPORANIA FROM THE AUTHOR OF "ROLL! THE MUSICAL!"

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I ALMOST FORGOT


This is my band's 4 song Ep which can be found on itunes, emusic and amazon.com. It's just 4 old Irish/sea shanty songs done live in the studio (mostly) The main track, "I'll tell me ma", was recorded and then shipped down to Ex-dead boys and current Batusis guitarist Cheetah Chrome for him to put some leads on it. It came out pretty good considering. I could have sang it better. My two favorites are Roddy McCorley which was banged out in two minutes and Farewell to Nova Scotia/the tarbolton reel which is all live except for the mandolin solo's. Hopefully we'll have some decent original tunes to throw down soon so we aren't just a bunch of knock off artists. I wrote some good shit. Here's some lyrics to my song, "Pity the Sober" Alright maybe not great but good enough for a shitty Irish band

God only gave my daddy 50 years and then 8 more
believe me he didn't spend em' sippin tea like a fucking bore
some Clancy's and the whiskey Frank Sinatra and the brew
When daddy went he was half in the bag
and believe me I will be too
cause God doesn't care if your always on the tear
and Jesus doesn't mind if your always half pissed blind
God made man
then mad made booze
you don't have any time to lose
so open up a bottle and drink
you sober bastard you

THREE REASONS TO LOVE KATY PERRY

Here's two, very big, reasons
that top can barely contain the juicy bounty spilling over and burgeoning forth
Boooya! #3


Actually there's Four reasons if I'm counting all things anatomical. There's some good stuff barely hidden in that flimsy, loosely tied, red package
Russel Brand is one lucky British asshole.

WHEN IT RAINS...IT POURS NAZI'S

Ya gotta love the piling on that this poor bastard is dealing with. I don't know if Jesse James is on Tiger Wood's payroll but he should be. This jerk has dirty sluts falling out of every closet and on top of that he's a fucking Nazi. I'm sure Sandra Bullock had no idea whatsoever that this guy is Johnny nazi. Now some might say that a picture like this is just in good fun and he's just fucking around, which might be the case, but how many people do you have an SS officers hat with the deaths head emblem on it and a fucking replica of the Red Baron's Foker Dr.1 Triplane? Even in my most idiotic moments I don't have a picture like this of myself. It's kind of the dirty little secret of bikers, but every time you see this,



your basically looking at a white power symbol amongst bikers. The iron cross looks cool but it also shows just a wee bit of devotion to the Fatherland. Bikers have always been the speed dealers of the US and the people they truck it through are the aryan brotherhood in prisons and enclaves around the country, just watch the show, Sons of Anarchy of FX and you'll get the general idea. Now the funny thing is that Jesse James has checked himself into rehab. Rehab for what? "Hi my name is Jesse, and I like to fuck tattooed nazi sluts." What kind of rehab is there for that particular issue?

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

RIGHT WINGERS THROW A HUT-AN-NANEE

This is the 1st church of the blessed Hutaree or just the Hutaree as their friends call them. These are the nice gun toting conservative folks from Michigan, Indiana and Ohio that the FBI raided yesterday because they were planning on killing local cops and then killing more cops at the cops funeral. I wonder if that yellow flag behind the lovely bridal party is the Don't tread on me flag? You know that one, it's the new flag of American nazi's, militia's, tea partiers and of course, never lagging too far behind the lunacy, republicans. All of them egged on by the true American voice of reason and intelligent debate, Fox News. Ever since Obama became president the white crazies or conservatives as they are commonly called, have been going batshit. Seems they're not such big fans of representative democracy as they were during the Bush years. When Bush did something, it was leadership. When Obama does it, it's tyranny, except Obama is trying to give people jobs, insurance and cheaper college loans. Bush didn't try any of that pussy shit he was too busy allowing a massive terrorist attack, starting a war for no reason, firing US attorneys who wouldn't file baseless charges against democrats to help republicans win elections, enabling the NSA to spy on everyone without a warrant, letting his underlings out a CIA agent for political reasons, twiddling his thumbs while a city drowned, allowing his wall street and banking buddies to destroy the economy and blowing up the deficit by giving tax cuts to the richest 2% of the country and did all this while borrowing money from the Chinese. Comparing these two men it's obvious why the uptick in militias, gun freaks, separatists and religious, end time, whacko's, Obama is truly the son of the devil. Bush might very nearly destroyed the entire country from top to bottom but Obama is gonna make assholes whodon't have any, but can afford it, buy insurance. It's like spitting in all of our faces, never mind it was originally a republican idea, Jesus would never sit still for such infringements on all of our rights, he'd go ape shit and blow some shit up and so will these people. Explosiveness is next to Godliness...just like in Afghanistan. I weep for the future of this country.

Monday, March 29, 2010

RICKY MARTIN ADMITS HE'S GAY: FILE THIS NEWS UNDER "DUH MUTHAFUCKER"


I don't know if it's the shared blanket, the speedo's, the post coitus cigarettes, ankle bracelet or the fact they're both tanned and in shape that gave this away but Ricky Martin finally came out of the closet and told everyone what no one has cared about because they knew it fifteen years ago when he was singing Livn' la Vida loca or whatever else he sang that was gay. Ricky finally comes clean "I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man. I am very blessed to be who I am." Blessed is right, he's rich, famous, good looking and doesn't have to deal with the x factor of humanity- chicks...Lucky gay fuck.

WHY I STOPPED HANGING OUT WITH THESE PEOPLE IN THE FIRST PLACE

I have to say I am intrigued by the world of Facebook. I'm not gonna lie, I like it, I'm a total narcissist so it very nicely helps fill part of the void in my life, the void of me needing more pointless ways to be seen and heard from. I like to write dumb shit, post pictures, leave stupid comments...never write something so lame it requires the dreaded LOL self apology and basically try to be funny. "Try" being the optimal word. I also have reconnected with some people that I really like and made some new friends through other people. So all of that is well and good.

The downside of Facebook is that while it has brought me back in touch with some people and renewed friendships it has also made me start to dislike some people who I used to know and triggers why I stopped hanging with them in the 1st place. The strangest thing that has come from people finding me on Facebook is the metamorphosis that some people I used to know have gone through. Some people have gotten back in touch with me just to reveal a new found freak that I would never in a million years hang out with. Here's an example. This guy was a friend of friend and I didn't hang out with him too much but he'd be around and we'd go out, get high, drink like crazy and make fun of everything and everyone within eyesight or earshot... today he posts this shit.

I love rainy days. So peaceful. Try listening to the sounds, breathing in the fresh air that rain brings, and letting go. Just being. You'll connect to something deeper than your mind can bring you. Much love.

here's another from the same guy

Know that there's something within each of us, that if we could only connect to, would raise the level of existence our world. We all have an inexhaustible supply of love, joy, peace and truth in our hearts so give as much as you can in each moment and watch your life flow and reach new heights..

Gadzooks! What the fuck? What the fuck happened to this guy? I know I like to say people don't change but this guy? Over the fucking rainbow. Why would this guy seek me out as an old friend and then post stuff he knows damn well I'm gonna think is utter bullshit? Why in a million years would he think he needs to school anyone on his trite new aged bullshit of finding yourself through breathing in fresh rain air or about our inexhaustible supply of love and truth in our hearts? Don't even get me started deconstructing whatever the hell inexhaustible truth means, here's some truth from me, I hate fake motivational shit. What an asshole.

My comment to his rain post:

"I like rubbing scented oils on myself and running naked in the rain while eating roasted lamb."

Friday, March 26, 2010

OH YES, THERE IS HOPE FOR TED YET


When someone who looks likes this dude can marry someone who looks like this red headed bombshell, well then there is hope for all men. It also shows you that while many women are simply money grubbing whores, a vast number of them are easily more worthy to breathe the air on this planet than all of the shallow, tits and ass obsessed dudes. We should hang our collective heads in shame for lusting after only the hottest women and for forgetting what makes women truly beautiful, their minds and their generous, loving and giving, spirits. Ha, I make myself laugh. But I am a thinkng man, I am interested in more than just looks. I like a thoughtful woman, a smart woman, a funny woman a woman with opinions and ideas, as long as the ideas are as well thought as my idea about gay men having gay mouth, then I'm on board. I love me a smart gal but as Another woman I love, and who would totally love me back if she just got to know me and we went out for pizza and a movie or maybe stayed home and played some board games and if she wasn't married and so stupidly gung ho about it, Tina Fey said,"What I've come to realize is that when people say, 'The thinking man's whatever' -- there's no such thing. The thinking man also wants to fuck Megan Fox."
Anyway, Christina Hendricks should totally do me because I'm not as ugly as her husband.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

DOCTOR I GET A BURNING SENSATION WHEN I FACEBOOK



According to British health experts, social networking sites, particularly Facebook, are being blamed for a dramatic increase in syphilis cases. Now this makes perfect sense to me because it is now so easy to interact with skels, whores, dirtbags, and miscreants without ever leaving your house. In fact the hookers seek you out. See the two pictures above? They are pictures of only two out of about 20 girls that have befriended me on facebook. Obviously I befriended these internet whores back. Everyday I tell them I'm gonna go visit them in new jersey and give them a fucking and everyday I blow them off, but I do get them to send me naked pictures of themselves so, "I can make sure when I get there, that they don't have dicks." Ok maybe I'm lying a little, I have had these chicks seek me out on facebook and they are most likely hookers but I didn't befriend them back. I'll get this friend request and I'll look at the picture and say, "Hmm, I'm pretty sure I would remember being friends with this slut bag, piece of ass." Then I look to see who they're friends with and every time, without fail, it is a list of two hundred dudes stupid enough to befriend them back. I'm sure they shake these idiots down for money and every other thing a tramp with a nice rack can leech off a dumbass. I'm kind of funny because being targeted by whores on facebook doesn't make me feel like a stud, it makes me feel like a rat just tried to get in my house. I fucking hate dirty rats and vermin trying to get in my house. I understand that whoredom is all relative, you want to be with a woman your fucking paying one way or another, be it monetarily or with your sanity, but I prefer to catch syphilis from hookers the old fashion way, without all this impersonal computer technology. I still have my humanity, I like it face to face, standing up against a wall near the Lincoln tunnel, for 20 bucks while I choke her.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

JESUS'S BESTEST BUDDY, TIM TEBOW ALREADY BOTHERING PEOPLE IN THE NFL

God boy Tim is gonna have to learn that not everyone is an evangelical and while The university of Florida might have put up with his incessant bible thumping, a lot of people in the NFL won't.

" We're told that Tebow already has gotten a taste of the resistance he might face at the next level. At the Scouting Combine, the Wonderlic exam is administered to players in groups. The 12-minute test is preceded by some brief instructions and comments from the person administering the test.

Per a league source, after the person administering the test to Tebow's group had finished, Tebow made a request that the players bow their heads in prayer before taking the 50-question exam.

Said one of the other players in response: "Shut the f--k up." Others players in the room then laughed."

Why couldn't he just pray for some brains to pass a simple IQ test by himself? Why involve others? Very presumptuous, very annoying very un-christian. What a gay douche.

BAR REFAELI: THE BEST THING TO COME OUT OF ISRAEL SINCE THE UZI

While Bibi Netanyahu is busy poking his finger in the eye of Palestinians, Israel's greatest export is busy sticking her T&A in my face. Shalom! Who cares if she's a draft dodger and eats shellfish and pork ( I just made up the shellfish and pork thing) but she does fuck Leonardo DiCaprio and I doubt his balls are kosher. She's a supermodel and super models should never put their beautiful faces and bodies in harms way for their country. Could you imagine the morale she would bring to the Israeli army? If she was in my unit I would always be at attention. I would be discharged for constant discharges. I would sing fiddler on the roof to her until she gave in and ate matzo off my penis. Then we'd sip on some Manischewitz and make sweet Semitic love in my cramped bunk. It would be a mitzvah of Solomonic proportions.

FINALLY, MY CHANCE TO NAIL OL' BIG ASS

Sad but true, Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush have split which opens the door for me, the whitest white guy to ever come from Caucasia with sunburn and freckles on full display. Sure Kim's got a thing for the brothers but I'm sure I could mistreat her just as competently as any rapper or star athlete could. Now some people like to attack Kim for being a vapid, vacuous, slutty, attention seeking, talentless, moron and I wholeheartedly concur but she is one fine piece of tush ass. She's a beautiful girl, lovely face, beautiful black, raven hair, dark almond eyes, full lips, round firm breasts and an ass that makes you want to be her toilet seat. If you don't think she's hot then you're a big gay who likes doing gay stuff with gay guys butts and gay wieners with your gay wiener loving mouth. She is a beautiful girl and her raging rump was made just for me. I would polish and buff and shine it up like a beautiful cracked mirror until I could see myself peeing on it. Whoa...wait, did I say that? Woops, I mean allegedly, allegedly I would pee on her ass. Actually I would never do anything so coarse or heinous, I would love, love, love, her ass like it was a child. I would dress it in little party dresses and have tea parties with her ass. I would dress it in tu tu's and princess dresses, give it a tiara and play duck, duck, goose with it. I would read it bedtime stories and tuck it in and give it candy, sing it lullabies and nursery rhymes. That ass would love me and call me daddy. Kim would have to be silent while her ass spoke to me in sweet, dulcet,tones. Tonight we're gonna do some finger painting. Daddy can't wait to be alone with his beautiful little ass child

PRIESTS STILL LIKE TO FUCK LITTLE BOYS AND OTHER NEWS

1) The catholic church around the world is really doing one hell of a job weeding out the pedophiles and perverts. From Ireland and Germany, Austria and all points on the catholic compass, boy ass is all the rage. Now I know why the catholic church is so gung ho anti-abortion, they're protecting the next crop of soon to be sexyass boy zygotes. Good job protecting the brand Pope Ratzenberger, your brother has been implicated for abusing children physically and when you were a bishop you helped shuffle pervs from one parish to another. Kudos. Still, as a catholic I am offended when lesser brands approach my door and try to convert me. As I always tell the born again door knockers, Look, I'm a catholic, we're MacDonald's, you guys are Jack in the Box. We invented this load of crap. Now go peddle your shoddy goods elsewhere and get the fuck off my door step.

2) Big enquirer news: it seems motorcycle poon master, Jesse James fucked a lot more bitches than the moron who just won the oscar and the tattooed nazi. I am shocked and feel so sad for Sandra Bullock. No I'm not, and no I don't. Know thyself and ye shall know others. Is that a real saying? I don't know if it is, but it should be. It seems to me that anyone who marries someone diametrically opposite of who they are, doesn't really have a grasp on themselves, of who they are and thus fall into the trap of being treated like shit by people they barely knew or understood. It's the price you pay for being naive about what you need and and what other people really are. It also seems to make sense that an actress might have a bit of confusion about other people or who she really is. Let's face it, actresses are idiots, they are on a rung just below waitresses and just above models. Now don't get mad at me for saying waitresses are idiots, obviously some women just do the job and are fine, normal, people, but c'mon if I really needed to get laid I'd just to go to chili's or TGI fridays and I'd be peeling off someone's black polyester pants before the tater skins got cold. A more simple maxim when choosing a spouse would be what my mom used to tell me, never marry someone who was already married to a pornstar. I didn't...as far as I know.

Republicans are idiots: A new Harris poll shows that 24% of GOP-ers think Obama is the anti-christ. 57 percent of Republicans believe that Obama is a Muslim, 45 percent of Republicans agree with the Birthers in their belief that Obama was "not born in the United States and so is not eligible to be president" 38 percent of Republicans say that Obama is "doing many of the things that Hitler did" 100% of republicans belong to a party filled with stupid fuckheads and should be embarrassed .

Biden says Fuck!: Lot's of news made yesterday with the signing of the communist manifesto I mean healthcare reform bill. Joe Biden was overheard saying, "this is a big fucking deal." At least that's what I heard, Fox news heard, "Da! Now comrade is time we crush the bourgeois capitalists, collectivize their wealth and distribute to proletariat !"

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

WHEN EXACTLY DID BRITNEY SPEARS BECOME COURTNEY LOVE?

I don't know how to say this without sounding mean but Britney Spears looks like she would smell like left over deep fryer grease. And what's up with her nipples always pointing down? I guess when your redneck mother buys you cut rate breast implants at the age of 15 the shit's gonna go bad. She used to have an ass I wanted to surgically stitch my face to, now she just looks like a redneck with denim rash on her banged out cootch. It saddens me, it really does.

Monday, March 22, 2010

THE DUKE OF FUCK YOU


Hey Jim DeMint, I've got your Waterloo right here...in my ballsack. Like the Duke of Wellington, Obama showed once again that it's not Napoleonic bluster that wins in the end, but patience, tenacity, brains, the fog of war and some luck. Either way, healthcare passed, Dems finally showed some balls in the face of a lunatic fringe of right wing racists calling them "niggers" and "Faggots" within the house of representatives and an entire News network aimed at scuttling reform and spreading misinformation. They twisted arms ignored the Sarah Palin's of the world and passed something important.

Ex-Bush speech writer (The axis of evil inventor) and conservative pundit David Frum had this to say about the ridiculous, hyperbolic right wing, demagoguery concerning the bill and how stupidly the republicans handled the health care debate. He is no fan of the bill and laments the lost opportunity republicans had to help shape a bill more to conservatives liking.

"We followed the most radical voices in the party and the movement, and they led us to abject and irreversible defeat.

There were leaders who knew better, who would have liked to deal. But they were trapped. Conservative talkers on Fox and talk radio had whipped the Republican voting base into such a frenzy that deal-making was rendered impossible. How do you negotiate with somebody who wants to murder your grandmother? Or – more exactly – with somebody whom your voters have been persuaded to believe wants to murder their grandmother?

I’ve been on a soapbox for months now about the harm that our overheated talk is doing to us. Yes it mobilizes supporters – but by mobilizing them with hysterical accusations and pseudo-information, overheated talk has made it impossible for representatives to represent and elected leaders to lead..."
The irony is the pot calling the kettle black on this whole debate. The republicans in the senate and house took their marching orders from Rush, Beck, Hannity and the insurance industry and convinced their constituents and party members to go all in on a gamble of epically stupid proportions. You had a group of brownshirt like lemmings taking marching orders from authoritarian talking heads convinced that the most middle of the road politician is deep down, a fascistic tyrant hellbent on destroying the nation, when deep down, a dictator is what they really want. Obama's not scary to them because he's a democrat or simply because he's black but because he's smart, even handed and black. They hate him because he is above them and they know it. They use inferiority complex code words to denigrate him, "elitist" "Smug" "celebrity" They can't handle the fact he will debate republicans openly and not just take their shit. He has logical arguments to counter their talking points. His policies make sense to everyone but them. They love to follow flag waving, nationalistic, torturing thugs. The want no nuance in policy, no diplomacy in a dangerous world but simple black and white answers the kind Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck can offer them.

That's why in this debate, the plan to have insurance cover the consultations you have with your doctor about end of life care were turned into "death panels." When all else fails, scare the shit out of your idiotic troops. Just like the national review's Bill Krystal wrote in 1994, he knew that Healthcare reform would help people and that people would begin to see this and in the future it would earn the democrats more voters. That had to be stopped. And it was, healthcare refrom was pushed off for another 16 years. Nothing worries republicans more than an electorate helped by democrats and one that they can no longer scare. Jim DeMint wanted healthcare to be Obama's Waterloo instead it's his Gettysburg. The war isn't over but the rebs are on the run, they're outflanked and will never attain the high ground. They made their pointless charge got mowed down and have nothing to show for it.

Friday, March 19, 2010

PASS THE FUCKING BILL!


Every person against this bill can suck a cock. I'm sick to death of the right wing demonizing this middle of the road bill. This is basic shit that should have, and would have been been passed 40 years ago, if this stupid country wasn't too busy at the time killing commie gooks in southeast asia and trying to get black people, y'know, the right to vote and get an education and stuff. I'm sick to death of hearing my so-called religious, right wing, friends say, " I give to charities all the time, but I want the decision to give to be mine, not the governments." Fuck you, cough it up you cheap, supposed Jesus loving fucks. Yeah, right, like conservatives and republicans and right wingers love and understand Jesus. They love Jesus the way I love the Red Sox and understand their cock swilling fans. Here's what an actual christian would want to do, they'd want to get 30 million people some healthcare and keep them out of the fucking emergency rooms. They would think it's a good thing to let graduating kids just out of college stay on their parents plans until their 26, they would let people who have a pre-existing condition get some fucking insurance. They would let people who have cancer continue their treatment without being booted off their plan.

The health care industry has been raping the people in this country and for the first time there are rules for them. In the world of reality these are all good things. if the plan does what it's supposed to do, the CBO says it will save over a trillion dollars in 20 years. How did wall street respond to the Insurance industry being close to picking up 30,000,000 new clients? All insurance industry stocks went up on Friday.

I don't care what's wrong with the bill, if it helps 30,000,000 people then pass the fucking thing. Even if they have to raise taxes or cut bullshit weapons projects or other programs to do it. All these so-called fiscal conservatives had nary a care about deficits and the national debt while Bush gave two sets of ridiculous tax cuts to the richest 1% and gave the rest of the store away to China but now... oh, now every penny spent is socialism. Oh, my goodness, God forbid, your passing the debt onto our children. Nigga Please, Total canard, straw man argument. As if debt and deficits have never been kicked down the road before. Every jerkoff baby boomer, the minute he or she was born into this world, clinging to a Davey Crocket coon skin cap, a free college degree and a sense of entitlement the world has never known before or since, was strapping the next generation with their boom of future old age needs. Somehow we'll all survive even with rotting hippie jerkoffs sucking up every dime of medicare and social security.


Worse than the old, jerkass flower children are the tea party white supremacist morons. Stupid, hypocritical, ignorant, dumb asses. I laugh at these jerkoff, misled tea baggers. If they had a single brain within any of their so-called organizations they would be rallying outside and trying to bring down Goldman Sachs, Bank of America, AIG, Wachovia and all the insurance companies that they're marching around like stupid assholes trying to protect. A gaggle of Putz's and corporate tools. These outrageously idiotic people think the government is the enemy and don't understand that they're fighting on the side of the real enemy, the entity that truly destroys everything, the real terminator. The corporations.

Corporations are not inherently evil, they employ people and they give services or produce products but they are just money making machines, like the terminator, they feel no love or hate, they have no remorse or pity but by their nature they seek a never ending bigger piece of the pie, they have only one desire; to gobble up all that they can. In the hungry robotic mind of a corporation, Regulation = destruction and Skynet cannot allow itself to be destroyed. So the corporations send out their terminators to destroy all opposition. Who are their terminators? The right wing media, Drudge, Limbaugh, Fox news and Lobbyists. Fox news is a news organization created like an android to serve one purpose; the needs of the corporation. The corporate and banking lobbyists are the terminators, seeking to snuff out anything that even looks like regulation. Obama isn't John Connor, He's not anti-corporation or brave enough, he's more like a cyborg Arnold in Terminator II, he's just looking to keep the future John Connor alive so one day down the road, eventually someone will destroy a rigged system. This bill is just the first step. It's a bomb within skynets framework. A tease of future destruction.

The bill is imperfect, the bill keeps the insurance industry a monopoly, it gives them a load of new clients on the government tit, the bill was done through buy outs and giveaways and all kinds of backroom shit but the one thing this bill isn't, is a government takeover of healthcare. It's a first step toward breaking the will and the power of an out of control system. And when the sky doesn't fall and Trotsky, Lenin and Mao's ghosts don't kick in Jimmy Joe Jim Bob's double wide and demand he kiss the hammer and cycle or die, then maybe the scared little assholes in this country will stop watching Fox news.

Pass the bill. Change things, for once, for the better, tell the insurance industry, "Fuck you asshole. I'll be back."

BROOKLYN DECKER: MEATBALLS AND LASAGNA!


That's what I said when I first saw this picture of Brooklyn Decker. I don't know why I said "meat balls and lasagna" but I think it's a good saying and I'm gonna use it from here on in. Speaking of, I'd like to gobble up her lasagna and put some sauce on her meatballs. Yummm.

NOTE TO SANDRA BULLOCK: WHEN YOU MARRY A GUY WHO MARRIED A PORNSTAR EXPECT HIM TO CONTINUE FUCKING SKANKS

So this is the nice tattooed white supremacist lady that Jesse James got caught fucking. Well done Mr. James, kudos. You found the one tattood slut that makes your ex-pornstar wife Janine Lindenmulder look like a demure princess. I have to laugh about this situation because only last week Sandra Bullock was all over the Oscars talking about what a wonderful, super, duper, perfect man Jesse James is, today Sandra is getting lye enemas while on her third day living inside a car wash that's been set on a permanent wash and hose down cycle.

What can I say that i haven't before about these kinds of situations. Past is always prologue. No one ever changes ever, ever, ever. If you are attracted to tatted up skell skank whores you will seek them out eventually. Any thought a woman has that she can change her man or that he can change for her is a load of shit. Behavior might change but the urge the desire will reamin and manifest itself somewhere. Jesse married a porn chick whore tramp and then a nice girl, who do you think he wanted to fuck more? Well the tattooed nazi answers that question pretty handily. Good luck on your eternal quest for a man Sandra. As the knight says in Indiana Jones and the last Crusade, "You chose poorly."

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY


Here's some died green crack for ya'll to celebrate this wonderful day. I think back to many a fun filled drunken holiday praising the land of my forefathers and wandering around Manhattan on a never ending quest for the perfect bar and the perfect time. Came close a few times. The sun is shining and I've got gigs today. I need a nap already. I just got an email from my guitar player telling me he bar we're playing at for happy hour is already jammed with drunks...so that's good. Now it's well know that I like the booze but sometimes it makes people act...well, badly. I just read a news story about a red neck in Kentucky that put his baby in an oven to hold him for a minute while he and and the the mom drank a bottle of booze. They both fell asleep leaving their five week old in an oven all night. The oven wasn't on so the assholes will eventually get the kid back after a stern warning not to put their kid in an oven never, ever, again.

Monday, March 15, 2010

I WONDER WHY I DIDN'T WIN AMERICAN IDOL?

Long weekend for Teddy boy. My band played 2 gigs, one good, one, so-so. The weather this weekend was for the fucking birds and kept a lot of people home which kind of sucked but I had some fun, had many free beers from the fine establishment we played, made a few bucks, met some nice people and even got a five dollar bill handed to me from some drunk dude while I was singing so all in all a good weekend... just tiring. I'm a cowboy! On a steel horse I ride!

I don't know why it's tiring to sing in a band but it is, I feel fucking wiped after a gig, especially after yesterday. We were playing a place that has a stage and bright lights and all that so the temperature got up to 90 degrees when we were playing, I was sweating my ass off, but we had the chicks dancing and drunks singing so it was fun. It was nice seeing my sisters and chilling out afterwards with a couple of Guinness's. I got two gigs on St. Patrick's day 50 miles apart, that should be interesting. My voice will be a mess for the 2nd gig but if I keep myself properly alcoholically lubricated, then I should be just fine. I think I'll wear my Adam lambert inspired St. Patricks day rock and roll duds. I'll paint my fingernails green and slap a kiss me I'm an Irish gay sticker on my cock.

ISRAEL, THE DRUNK DRUG ADDICTED FRIEND THAT NEEDS SOME TOUGH LOVE


The fucking country of Israel is as useful to the United States as another double whopper is to Gabourey Sidibe. Israel is the kind of friend who you go to a bar with, borrows your money but never buys a round, keeps drinking and then gets you into fight. The United States has protected and stood up for and given heaps of money to Israel since it's inception and all they give us is headache after headache. They humiliated vice President Biden last week when he arrived for peace talks by announcing more housing construction in the Palestinian sector of Jerusalem where Israel has engaged in what can only be called ethnic cleansing of all Palestinians whether they be Muslims or Christians. General Patraeus has let Secretary of Defense Gates know that our biggest concern when dealing with and receiving intelligence and assistance in the war on terror from middle east countries is our inability to reign in Israel's settlement building and expulsion of Palestinians from their neighborhoods in East Jerusalem and land in Israel. In other words, Israel's actions are putting our soldiers and us, in harms way.

Jews sure as shit don't need Israel, I understand everyone wants a homeland but at what cost? Israel cannot continue to tell the USA to go fuck ourselves while they set out on a course for their own destruction. Sooner or later Israel will be bit in the ass over these settlements, the United States is pretty much their only ally left and the continually treat us like shit. If I was Jewish I would stay right here. Fuck that homeland shit. My grandfather was from northern Ireland you didnt see me moving back there to hurl Molotov cocktails and rocks at the Brits. Remember, the troubles started in Northern Ireland mainly over unfair housing practices by the majority protestants. The jewish homeland is right here in the good ol' USA where maybe jews weren't always treated great or allowed into country clubs for years but neither were blacks or Catholics and as far as I know, they have prospered greatly without the constant threat of annihilation. The United States has been trying to make the case to the Israeli's that all the settlement building and expulsion of Palestinians is counter productive to any sort of lasting peace but the right wing hard core Israeli government under Netanyahu doesn't give a shit and has basically told Obama to go fuck himself. Now AIPAC the pro-right wing Israeli lobbying group is demanding apologies to the Obama administration for being pissed off at Israel for acting like drunks on a bender. The USA should just cut these drunks off. Sorry son the bars closed. Time for rehab. You want money? Go clean yourself up and we can talk but until then no money no protection no nothing. See how it feels to be surrounded by sharks without a life raft for a while. Then maybe rethink your housing issues.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

I'M ADDICTED TO WIZARD 101 AND OTHER NEWS

My sons recently started playing an on-line addictive skinner box game called wizard 101 and whenever they would get stuck on a hard challenge they would ask me to help, so I'd play the game a little bit and get to a new level or a be given a new spell and I'd be like, "Yes! Troll spell! suck that Deep woods imp!" I found myself playing this pointless ass game all by myself and wasting time like a muthafucka, I knew I needed to stop so today I vowed to stop cold turkey and get back to constructive pursuits, watching porn and blogging.

I had my teeth cleaned today and
I'm getting a new crown put on Tuesday teeth are good to have

My band is playing four gigs in the next 6 days which is good but I have to try not to drink too much during the gigs or I'll suck and probably die by the end of our 2nd gig on St. Patrick's day, this might be a bit of a problem.

that is all for now

A COCK IN THE MOUTH FOR BECK

I've been lazy lately with no muse upon me to spur my writing but watching this ridiculous prick interview closeted, resigning democratic congressman from NY Eric Massa the other day gave me the will to live, and write again. Glenn Beck and Rush the junkie were so sure that Eric Massa was gonna spill the evil dirt on the subversive, socialist, fascist, Maoist, Trotskyite oligarchical, ummm what other evil thing is the Obama administration? Oh yeah, Progressive, Massa was gonna finally spill the beans and tell these two buffoons that the white house is run by ACORN and that Obama feeds babies to Satan. FAIL. You see, Rush and Beck booked the guy and trumpeted him as a whistle blower right after Massa first decided to resign and was out and about bitching and moaning about how he was set up and kicked out by the evil white house and their terrible awful desire to pass health care legislation so you know, people don't get sick and die. The two geniuses booked Massa without knowing a single thing about him and promoted him as a savior to their asshole, right wing horde... that was, right before the news came out that Massa had to step down because he was basically playing grab balls with every dude that walked passed him.

Rush Limbaugh picked up his newspaper and saw the grab ass stories and was smart enough to bail on his Massa interview, albeit just a day after hailing Massa as the Joan of Arc of truth, even though Massa had once called Rush, a coward that never served his country, anyway, Rush flippd back to being the fat junkie racist he is and came up with funny ways to use the word "Massa" along with Obama because get it, Obama's black and slaves used to call their owners "Massa" Hold on, I'm crying because it's so funny. You know what's actually funny? This mathematical equation (White+ republican+ Rush Limbaugh fan= racist douche bags)

Glenn Beck pumped Massa up to his child-like audience of frightened paranoids as the man who might just save the country. Beck tried and tried to get to the core of the evilness and corruption of the Obama administration but just came away with stories about grown men tickling each other and naked showers with Rahm Emanuel. Beck is a moron but not so stupid not to realize he had fucked up and oversold a horny gay progressive as the savior of his fantasy land of what he thinks America is or was or something. I mean, Glenn Beck believes the founding fathers were right wing, religious, fanatics like himself. He is a seriously stupid person who ended up with a cock in his ass from a gay democrat. It was a sublime assrape Beck Fail.
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Monday, March 08, 2010

BAM!





Suddenly I'm in the mood for a milk shake. If I was this woman I would set up a shop where people could pay 100 dollars just to get one, good sqeeze on these titties. Fully clothed mind you. No hands on bare breasts. She would be wearing one of these lacy, supportive, compacting dealies. Put down your Benjamin, put one hand on one breast, one hand on the other, and squeeeze. Thank you come again. She'd have some bruised breasts but she'd be raking in the cash by the triple D cup load. I'd throw down a hundred for one, good, long, squeeeeeeeeeeeeeze. Then I'd ask her very nicely if she would suck on my finger and stare into my eyes.

NOTHING LIKE A BIG, FAT, SELF RIGHTEOUS ACTRESS WITH SMALL BREASTS


Baby, I liked you better in Beerfest. Why the fuck do people win an award and then try to act as if they just freed an unjustly convicted death row inmate? This stupid hairy legged asshole wins a nice award and turns her speech into a stupid attack on basically every other person who ever won an oscar and a defense of the fact that because she's a fat chick, that no normal man wanted, she let her husband talk her into allowing him to fuck other women.

#1. Ok, so let me begin my full attack by saying that fat chicks are supposed to have big breasts when they don't it's gross. The only reason why big ladies even get attention half the time is because they're sporting some mammoth yams, take the utters out of the equation and it's just kind of gross. Mo' you need to lose a ton of weight so your breasts match the body. Hey, my dick looks much bigger when I'm thinner.

#2 This chick goes up to the stage all fire breathing mad with glaring crazy eyes all steamed up about whatever kind of unfair hollywood bullshit that she's created in her stupid fat head. Then of course, because she's black you get the obligatory panning to all the blacks in the audience who are feelin' this magical race defying moment. Cut the shit, Whoopie won 20 fucking years ago, Obama's president, Tiger Woods fucks white chicks, big deal, a black chick wins an oscar, that shit only means something to her...and I guess the guy from Law and Order criminal intent whose giving the whole, "preach on sista!" vibe.

#3. Then she says this, "I'd like to thank the academy for showing that it can be about the performance and not the politics." And everyone cheers like, "right on! fuck the politics!" Meanwhile she's basically saying that, "I'm a real actress, I won this fair and square because I'm so fucking great, everyone else who wins is just handed the award due to studio interference and lobbying." Not Mo'Nique, uh uh, sugar, she won because she's the best. Her race had absolutely no bearing in the decision making what so ever.

#4. She thanks Oprah...fuck Oprah

#5. She praises her douchebag philandering husband who has convinced her that they're in an open marriage. An open marriage means both people fuck around, she told Barbara Walters that she's in an open marriage but that she doesn't fuck around which leads to the only explanation, that he fucks around, defines the marriage as "open" and she sits around eating buckets of KFC and Häagen-Dazs while he plows women that men actually want to fuck. Women who shave their legs.

#5. She doesn't shave her legs. She told Barbara Walters that it is too painful and the one time she did shave the hair grew back thicker...rallllghglphph. That's me puking on a big, fat, hairy legged, oscar winning, angry actress with small breasts who lives with a womanizing prick.


Friday, March 05, 2010

OH KATY PERRY, WHEN WILL YOU SIT UPON MY WANG?

Nice singing voice, big beautiful eyes, big round wonderful Boobies, fishnets, pointy things on hips, vagina crammed into clingy pointy pants, and now clear skin because of pro active...she's got it all. She might be marrying long and lanky dirt bagish British actor/comedian Russell Brand, but if my wife's dreams are accurate she will soon be singing a song into Ted's dickrophone. She's got a certain power over me, the power to make time stop while I stare at her wonderful breasts. Stephen Hawking tried to solve the Katy Perry space time continuum titty math problem and ended up frying himself and landed in a wheelchair talking like a robot.

The first time I saw this picture and this picture
I think I stayed home for a week just to stare at them to soak in every bit of almost seeing girly stuff that I could. Hey, I'm a fool for boobies and anyone who has them makes me feel funny deep down in my pants. All I'm saying is this; She's got em' and I
I want em' so she better get hip to what I'm throwing down and jump and the wang. Chop chop katy

Thursday, March 04, 2010

LINDSEY LOHAN IS A HOT STICKY MESS I WOULD GLADLY SIGN UP TO CATCH AN STD FROM




I don't know if it's all the binge cocaine snorting or binge drinking she's done but I would bang this in an instant. Maybe if I'm lucky she'd let me do some cutting on her as well. Freakshow, hot as balls fucked up freakshow. I love you Lindsey

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

CONNECTICUT: TOO LAZY TO GET ME DRUNK

Finally after 400 years of ridiculous, religious, bullshit, Connecticut's state legislature is looking to do away with Connecticut's blue laws that prohibit the sale of liquor and beer on sundays. Look at this map and notice that Ct. is surrounded by states that all sell beer on Sundays. Everyone who lives even remotely close to a border takes a trip to NY or mass. or Rhode Island for their sunday booze needs. That's a lot of lost revenue in sales and taxes and Ct. like all states is running low on dough. Take another look at the map, notice the red dot, now move down between the O and the N in CONN. that's where I live, dead fucking center. I like my beer but I'm not driving an hour in any direction and then driving back another hour just to buy a six pack because it's the wrong day of the week. So when it's summer and I'm barbecuing and I run out of beer it's either off to a pub or I do without. That's quite the hardship on Ol' Ted. Not really, but inconvenient and annoying? Hell yes.

Now you would think the local beer shop dudes would love this right? Wrong. I'm no economist but it seems to me the more time your business is open, the more money you can make. That's why some McDonald's stay open 24/7. People like burgers and people like booze, convenience is king. You will not loose money selling either. Now that logic may work in states where people actually want to make more money but in Connecticut, almost good enough is always good enough. The lazy fucking booze store people don't want to open on Sunday's because..well, they have a lot of theories on why. They don't want more payroll expenses or utility bills or it's somehow unfair to small business owners. They're afraid if they sleep in on Sunday's as they've done since Washington was a little kid, then all the revenue will go to the supermarket chains. That's true, so wake the fuck up, open your store and sit in your chair by the register and rake in the dough like you fat fucks always do. I know the two guys who own the store around the corner from me, their mom lived across the street from me and they are rich as Rockefeller. They both live in huge mansions and basically do nothing but ring up six and twelve and case after case but every time I mention that Ct. blue laws suck they bitch and moan like little drag queens getting ass fucked by ugly butch lezbos with strap ons .
"I don't want to come in here on sunday."
They always say.
"Hire someone to run it for you on sunday." I say.
"I can't trust anyone but myself or my brother."
"Then take turns you lazy, stupid, fucks." Give me my money back I'm driving to Massachusetts If I'm gonna give my money to assholes they might as well have a good work ethic.

Hopefully the state will ignore these lazy cryass dildos and strike down the stupid laws that infringe upon my right to anesthetize myself on any day of my choosing.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

ANYBODY ELSE GETTING SICK OF THIS BITCH?

Every time I turn around Lady Ga Ga is out on some red carpet wearing whatever stuck to her after she jumped in a vat of glue and rolled around in a consignment store. She's also seems to be very proud of her body which is strange because people are usually proud of things that don't make other people sick. Here's Ted's maxim for showing your breasts, A woman should show her breasts in public as frequently as possible, BUT ONLY IF THEY ARE NICE...AND BIG. Lady Gaga and British singer, Lily Allen
and her pygmy tits seem to think people want to see their crap tits. We don't. Famous women constantly exposing their less then stellar racks is akin to Harvey Keitel deciding to constantly whip out his Bad Lieutenant penis.

Now Lady Ga Ga has some catchy tunes and she's milking her new found fame as much as she can but she needs to go away for a year and come back looking like something I want to fuck. Fix the nose, cover the pancake tits, wear something that's not made out of vinyl or bubblewrap and quit pretending you're a gay dude. You're an Italian chick from New York, eat some spaghetti, get on a tanning bed, wear some bump-its, and join the cast of jersey shore, that's where the gay dudes really are.