THE WORSE SHE GETS, THE MORE I LIKE

A love Letter to Lindsey; Oh Lindsey, you are the most awesome mess ever. You need someone to love you, to control you, to smack you and throw you in the shower when you O.D. no more of that horrendous Ronson bitch. No more pale, androgynous DJ's. You need a man. You need someone real and strong with balls loaded with love juice. You need someone who can appreciate all of your finer points, like your face, ass and breasts. I am that someone. You need someone to beat you with a pillowcase filled with oranges when you flip out because of the toxic stew of drugs and alcohol you injested. I am that someone. You need someone to choke you out to heighten the pleasure during sex, I am that someone. You need someone to bang you silly like you were a cheap hooker servicing a rodeo clown convention. I am that someone. You need someone to wake you up with a toilet swirly after you spend the night on the bathroom floor vomiting. I am that someone. You need someone to beat the shit out of your stupid father. I am that someone. You need someone to make you recite all of your lines from the movie Mean Girls while I make love to your backside. I am that someone. You need someone who will drink like a fish and never tire of acting just as stupidly as you do. I am that someone. You need someone who loves you for who you are, but mostly for how hot and sexy and disastrous you are. I am that someone. My name is Ted and I love you. Now come over here, crush up an oxycontin and snort it off my nutsack.

NOTE TO SELF: REMOVE SON FROM CHINESE KINDERGARTEN

If there's one thing I know about the Chinese, it's that they hate kindergartners with a passion. There seems to be a growing tide of resentment toward these little 5 year old's all across China. Maybe it's the constant recitation of the alphabet, maybe it's their bragging about knowing all their colors or maybe it's the endless stream of useless, paper mache crafts they litter the world with but the Chinese people have finally had enough and are putting their collective feet down... right on top of the heads of these little know-it-all's.
Near the eastern city of Weifang "A farmer attacked kindergarten students with a hammer, injuring five, before burning himself to death Friday in China's third such assault in as many days ...The hammer attack follows a rampage Thursday by a 47-year-old unemployed man armed with an eight-inch (20-centimeter) knife at a kindergarten. Some 29 students, aged 4 or 5 years old, were wounded, five of them seriously at the school in Taixing city in neighboring Jiangsu province. And on Wednesday, a 33-year-old former teacher broke into a primary school in the city of Leizhou in southern Guangdong province and wounded 15 students and a teacher with a knife."

Wow, crazy Chinese fucks. First they throw their kids in the yellow river, then they crush them with tanks in Tienanmen square, then they allow Will Smith's son to be the next karate kid and finally they attack them with knives and hammers. You know your life has taken a serious turn for the worse when your "to-do" list includes hammer attack on kindergarten followed by self immolation. Maybe these kids will finally stop doing whatever it is they are doing that is clearly driving the entire population of China crazy. How would you like a billion people hitting you in the head with a hammer? Fuck that, just bring on the Chicken lo mein. Pwannng.

JUST BECAUSE I MARRIED A NAZI DOESN'T MEAN I HATE THE BROWN PEOPLE...WANT PROOF? BAM!!! NEW KID

What does a hollywood Oscar winning actress and celebrity do to get over her womanizing nazi biker husband? She goes and gets herself a little black kid. "Hello little baby, my life is falling apart, will you make me happy please? It was either you or the shitzu puppy...can you do any tricks?" This is truly the behavior of a genius mind. You think I'm a nazi? Well take a look at this!... she whips out black child from duffle bag. Would a Nazi lover have one of these?

Now I guess she actually got the kid before all the news about her cheating husband came out but isn't it much funnier if she had just picked up the kid now? I think so so I'll just stick with that story line. Why let the truth ruin good mockery.

REFRIED NAZI'S

That's a fried beans swastika smeared on the Arizona state Capital building yesterday. Such a surprise to see a Republican governor sign such an insane bill into law. Obviously states like Texas, Arizona, California, and New Mexico have immigration problems but making a law that not only makes it legal, but actually requires police officers to check the papers of anyone who "looks like a illegal alien" is so fucking crazy only members of a party so devoid of constitutional knowledge or respect could have thought it a good idea. Republicans love the constitution but pretty much only the 2nd amendment and the 1st amendment when it suits them. The rest of the document is horse shit for pussy liberals to use to whine about other people's rights. Now what does an illegal alien officially look like?

Just how dark or mustached or sombrero wearing does someone have to be to look illegal? Now if I was from Mexican decent and working in my own garden and went to get gas all covered in dirt would I look illegal because I have brown skin and dirt on my pants? What if I'm half Mexican American, half Irish American but I can still tan really well. Is my tan a sign of illegal status? How about I wear a Mexican flag/star of David stitched onto all of my clothes just so they can know for sure what exactly I am. Now I know calling something fascist or akin to Nazi Germany is all the rage right now and is sometimes the least common denominator of a weak argument but if you don't see a parallell between this and the Nuremberg laws that incrementally stripped German Jews of all their rights then you don't know your history. The lawsuits alone from this law should kill the state of Arizona and at least in this country some court will strike this bullshit law down and rule it unconstitutional but with the fucking rightwing knuckleheads like Alito, Roberts, Scalia and Thomas on the supreme court, ya never know. If they can say that corporations have the same rights as an individual then they can say Arizona can check everyone's papers with no probable cause. This country is getting scary. Scary dumb.

I'M BACK. BOOM!

Sorry for ruining everyone's lives by being away for a week. I know how important it is to keep all of my zillions of readers caught up on actresses with big breasts and what an asshole Sarah Palin is. I apologize, it must have been hell without me. I took the week off to spend with the kids who were off from school and we did stuff like show them battle ships and destroyers and submarines in fall River Massachusetts. I also took a night out to get drunk in NYC with my lovely lady friends and my cousin. So what did I miss?

Let's see, Obama is still President and people still think he's a socialist. Have I mentioned how stupid our country is before? Very.

The Yankees pissed away a series in Anaheim over the weekend angering Ted to violent degrees. It almost ruined my awesome, autographed, Yogi Berra baseball birthday present from my friend Liz. I get my ball and the Yankees play like bush leaguers? Disgraceful. I almost fired that thing through my TV. Thanks again Liz for the ball, best present ever, it beats out the notorious B.I.L. giving me 100 slim jims and a big jar of peanuts.

Had some crazy good and crazy hot Korean chicken at Jang Tau or Kwong Lee or Ptang gwong's or some fucking place in Manhattan. Burning hot spicy potstickers at 1:30 am? Awesome. The good news was that my ass didn't get all burnt up. It was a Korean miracle.

The lovely, huge breasted, red head, I always post pictures of, Kristina Hendricks from mad men, is on the cover of Esquire magazine and she says men should not be on Facebook. I promise to delete my profile if she fucks me.

I've been watching the HBO series The Pacific, very good episode last night about what is often called by it's veterans as the "forgotten battle" of Peleliu. Pretty brutal stuff. As usual, Peleliu was a completely useless invasion that coast the Marines 1336 killed and 5450 wounded. The battle itself had absolutely no military value other than a distraction for one of the worst idiots the US army has ever seen, general Douglas MacArthur, and his invasion of the Philippines. Guadalcanal, Iwo Jima, Tawara and Okinawa get most of the press from WWII but Peleliu was the most deadly battle for the marines. This was the first time the Japanese had really dug in and used their bunkers to wreak havoc on the US troops, The hatred for the Japanese and the brutality both sides showed to each other is summed up pretty well in the HBO miniseries. There was a scene last night where marines are taking a break next to a bunker filled with dead Japanese soldiers. A marine called SNAFU scrambles up above a dead Japanese soldier who is missing the top of his head. While the main character, Eugene Sledge, stares blankly into space, behind him he hears, "Plop" "Plop" "Plop" Sledge turns around and sees his war weary and scary buddy SNAFU dropping pebbles down into into the brain pan of the dead soldier as if it was a pond, causing the brains and blood to splash out all over the rocks. Sledge seems about to crack and is about to remove a dead soldiers gold teeth with a knife when he is stopped by SNAFU who we've already scene cutting the teeth out of corpses, but it seems he doesn't want Sledge to become what he has and lose whatever humanity he has left. That's a true story out of Sledge's WWII memoir, With the Old Breed: At Peleliu and Okinawa and is one of the sources, along with Robert Leckie's, A helmet for my Pillow used to make the HBO series. I read part of Sledges book when I was in the 11th grade working in the school library and it's rough stuff. HBO has changed some of the people who did the stuff but the stories are all in the book. Good job done by Tom Hanks and Steven Speilberg on this one.

MUSINGS ABOUT NOTHING IN PARTICULAR

The yankees are looking good taking two out of three in their first three series against good competition. Last year this time they looked like dirty cock bags. I said it to my Boston Red Sox fan brothers in law and their buddies two weeks ago, The Red Sox line up looks like a weak gay baby this year. Yankees will play the Phillies again this year in the World series.

I got my bitch ass tooth drilled out and root canal-ed like a muthafucka today. Jerkoff dentist gave me a crown a few weeks ago and that shit was hurtin' yo. Now I'm poppin' mad vicodin's and bitchin' like a swollen mouthed tooth aching bitch.

After my tooth fiasco my dentist gave me anti- biotics so I went and picked them up. I came home and my wife said, "I had a dream you were fucking Paris Hilton last night." And just like clockwork I said, "That's what this penicillin is fo bitch."

I planted some gladiola bulbs yesterday that I had kept in a bucket of dirt in my basement over the winter. When I went to get them I was astounded by their survival instinct. Those crazy fucks were trying to escape, they were growing sideways, up ways, down ways, roots spreading out every which way. I couldn't pull the things out of the bucket. Plants are crazy. Crazy scary.

It's spring and my wiener is working overtime.

Jon Stewart told Fox news, to" Go fuck themselves." Well said. The best thing coming out of Fox becoming a rampant and beyond obvious purveyor of unmitigated bullshit is that newspapers and even ABC news are starting to actually fact check the things that Politicians say to them. Instead of just repeating GOP/fox news or even Democratic talking points, legitimate news services are starting to call bullshit on the fear mongering and outright horseshit being spewed mostly by the right. The right is so full of shit so often because for right wingers the truth is not important. The ends always justifies the means to these people so they lie about everything. Power is the important thing to them not governing effectively, just holding the reins of power. Because deep down, on the whole, Republicans are pretty much just greedy fascist wannabe's. I'm not saying all republicans are Hitler-ites or love fascism, I'm just saying that for a party that's supposed to be about personal freedom and the individual rights of people, on a whole, they tend to lean toward accepting the abuse power of their leaders, over the top nationalism and the bending over backwards for corporations. That's kind of is the definition of fascism. Fascism is the marriage of the corporate and the all powerful leader with extreme nationalism and an acute intolerance for anything different, like oh... I don't know...gays or blacks or mexicans or muslims. Sounds like the GOP/ tea party/1939 Germany to me. So it's about time that some in the media decided to drop the horseshit that all arguments are equal and are pointing out that some things are just plain fact and facts actually matter.

YOU HAVE CHOSEN...POORLY

Ahhh women, there's nothing better on this planet then the delusional, lovelorn, needy, romance novel devouring, never quite happy, fairer sex. One subset of the phylum femalus is the prison bride. The prison bride is a woman who did not meet her man before he was incarcerated where a man and a woman might have a normal relationship, but after his imprisonment by way of letter writing and internet search sites. These women seek out prisoners to fall in love with for a myriad of idiotic reasons. One reason for a woman to seek out romance with a prisoner is that he will remain faithful (minus the jailhouse sodomy of course) and transfixed on their relationship. A man in prison has no options, is lonely and needy and will be forever in the wooing stage of a relationship constantly waiting for the next phone call, letter or visit. He will be perpetually thankful for any kindness or attention no matter how small. In other words, he will be a tattooed puppy in an orange jumpsuit. There's also the inaccessible feature of these relationships, a woman who seeks out a prisoner to fall in love with obviously cannot handle the requirements of a normal relationship. Why put up with the day to day grind of having to speak with someone and pick up their dirty socks when you can just visit once a month, press your tits on the glass and give them a carton of smokes.

And of course, the final reason. The old standby. The alluring nature of the not so mythical "badboy."
Given the choice between Ernie the computer nerd and Snake, the meth dealing biker, some women will always choose the piece of shit. Then of course they act surprised when their dirtbag "badboy" fucks their teenage daughter and burns down their house.

Now you might think that meeting and falling in love with men who have perpetrated heinous violent acts might scare these women off but that is not the case, denile runs deep and if a man in prison can write a nice letter and sound contrite, well the rape and murder of a nine year old girl shouldn't be a barrier to true love. This is such a case for a woman in Germany who just had a conjugal visit with her child raping murderer husband go very wrong. It seems that while the happy couple were enjoying each other in privacy the husband decided he liked killing way more than he liked fucking and offed his idiot wife.

Klaus-Dieter H., 50, who had been in jail for 19 years for raping and beating to death a nine-year-old girl, had been regularly allowed to have unsupervised meetings in jail with a 46-year-old single mother he had got to know five years ago. She had written him letters in the jail in Remscheid, in the state of North Rhine-Westphalia, and they had fallen in love.

...they were permitted to spend six hours together without supervision. When prison guards unlocked the cell after the time was up, a horrific scene awaited them: The woman was lying dead on the floor, half-naked, with a fractured skull, four stab wounds in the chest and strangulation marks on her neck.

A broken steak knife, a fillet knife and a nut wrench were found by the woman's side. Prisoners' visitors are allowed to bring bags into the "love cell." Those bags are not routinely checked, police said. 'We Didn't Think He Was Capable of That' said prison guards who had obviously forgotten about the whole rape and murder of a 9 year old thing. It seems the woman went to the prison to break up with her man and chose to do so in a private cell while locked away for 6 hours with child murdering rapist. Very smart. I'm not an etiquette expert but when breaking up with a violent prisoner, I don't think it's necessary to do it face to face. A letter is acceptable.
Stupid is as stupid does and man was this woman stupid, it's kind of amazing she lived as long as she did. She might as well have pinned 20 steaks to her clothes and jumped in the lions pit at the zoo because sooner or later someone or something was gonna kill this dumb bitch.

APRIL SPAWNED A MONSTER

What do the sacking of Constantinople during the 4th crusade, the firing on Ft. Sumter to begin the civil war and Ted Velvet all have in common? We all unleashed our misery upon he world on April 12th. That's right, it's another birthday for Ol' Ted. It's not so bad getting older, I can still do stuff fairly well and not falling off the cliff yet, the only real torture is that I'm getting older and yet like a dirty old man, I still crave teenage poon (legal teenage poon) but as a wise older man once said, "I liked 18 year old's when I was 18, so why wouldn't now?"

So the wife and I went out Saturday night for a nice dinner in new Haven where all the fancy restaurants are and chose a wonderful steak house well known to be asskickingly good. Recently I have rediscovered my love for steak. I always liked it but now I crave it like a wolfman. I ordered a decent, mid pricey, bottle of wine, clams casino, for me, crab cakes for the wife, a wedge salad for myself...gotta have a whole half a hunk of iceberg lettuce when eating steak or the plumbing gets all blocked up, thanks again age. Then I ordered what is known as "The trifecta", three fillet mignons all with separate sauces and flavors, served over garlic mashed potatoes. Yum. One fillet had shredded lobster meat on top the other had crab meat and the third was a black peppercorn and red wine sauce. Now the menu said the fillets were of the petite variety so i figured they would be three small portions easily handled. WRONG. These were three big hunks of meat and after just eating basically a whole head of lettuce I doubted if I could eat the whole thing. Silly me, I should know myself better than that. I ate that shit up like I was Oprah eating pussy at a South African all girls school. I ate my three steaks and finished my wine and had a beer and watched my wife eat dessert and fell into a comfortable, if a little stuffed, meat coma. I looked back on my life and said, well done Ted...all your decisions have been perfectly made. You may be a major league fuck up but there are no regrets. Who cares, it's just life. Drink more wine, eat more steak.

NOW THAT'S A BIG ASS

Bigger than Sarah Palin talking about nuclear weapons. KIm Kardashian has all the stuff and more where that came from. If Kim came over my house I would play easter bunny with her and I would hide jelly beans in her giant ass crack and then search for them with my tongue. I would like for her to beat the crap out of me solely by using her giant buttocks to pummel my face and penile region. I love this woman and her giant cheeks of flesh candy. I would smack that thing till it glowed brighter than a thousand suns. If she ever comes to my neck of the woods believe me, I will nail that ass.

RIGHT WHERE HE BELONGS

WITNESSING THE MIRACULOUS

I was driving home with my family from an Easter egg hunt on Saturday night when one of the stupid motherfuckers that populate the world almost took us all out. The day had been very warm and sunny but as night came the air cooled and the fog rolled in. I was driving along I95 in Connecticut and had just gone over the bridge from Groton to New London. At this stretch of the road the highway goes from about 6 lanes back to two I had moved all the way over to the right lane because I was considering getting off to buy beer for Easter dinner at my sisters house. Due to the fog and a little indecision as to whether that was the best place to look for a liquor store, I missed my exit and stayed on the highway. A few hundred yards down the highway the far left lane ends and the highway merges back to only two lanes. No Sooner had I passed the exit when I heard a god awful screech coming from my left. I glanced over and slammed on my breaks. An SUV traveling about 90 mile per hour had failed to see that the left lane was ending and had almost crashed into the dividing wall, He quickly swerved to his right and lost control of his car and was careening towards me. When I slammed on my breaks I went from about 70 to maybe 10 mph causing me to stop enough for the SUV to miss me and shoot in front of me riding only on his two right wheels dukes of hazzard style. I was sure the car was gonna flip and slowed even further to keep a safe distance. The guy rode on two wheels for a good 50 yards then over compensated turned his wheel hard to the left and flipped the car back the other direction and rode on his two left wheels for a second or two. The whole time this was going on my wife was screaming at me to avoid the guy but I stayed close enough to avoid him if he flipped but not so far that I couldn't see the whole thing happen. The fucker had almost killed me and my family and I really wanted to see his ass flip across the highway. After riding on his left two wheels he slammed on his breaks and lifted the front end of his car nose wheelie style so that his front end was scraping the highway then his car slammed down on all fours and he slowly rolled off the highway to the right, drove onto the grass, stopped and put his hazards on. I drove past him laughing and yelled, "Holy shit! that'll fucking wake you up!" Then my wife said, "How the hell can you laugh? We almost died!"

I said "because that guy is the greatest driver in the fucking world!" My wife calmed down a bit and said, "Should you stop to see if he's alright? " I said, "Fuck him, the only thing he needs is to change the pants he just shit in." Plus after just narrowly avoiding a major accident I didn't want to pull over and get plowed into by some other gawking retard. The guy was seriously lucky to be alive. I thought I had seen a lot of stuff in my life but he broke all the rules of the physical world to pull his nuts out of the fire. It was an Easter miracle.

I drove home the rest of the way in the dense fog nervous that some other shit driving asshole was gonna try to snuff me.

WHAT TO CALL THE IDIOT FROM NOW ON

good catch Talking Points memo

"former half-term governor Sarah Palin."

Sitting in Plain Sight

I'd never realized the vast but untapped humor reserves in this simple, factual phrase: "former half-term governor Sarah Palin."

I'LL NEVER LET UP ON THIS JACKASS

Three invisible dicks... and one huge one wearing glasses and an American flag pin.
A tip O' the hat to Mr. Dreadful for this one.

I WISH I WAS THE SUN

Super model Alessandra Ambrosio taunting me as if she hated me personally. Here, look here Ted, look at my ridiculously fine ass and legs. See the slight hint of my ass crack showing through my sheer panties? Nice huh? You know where that leads Ted, down to poon heaven. Look how my hips are thrust to one side to accentuate my firm taught bottom and perfectly shaped, long and lean legs topped off with my red fuck me pumps and thigh high stockings. Now guess what Ted, you will never, ever, ever, ever, even come close to fucking this. Have a nice day. Depressing, Jesus Christ, where's my gun?

AWESOME QUOTE AIMED AT AN ASSHOLE

Bill Maher on Jay Leno talking about Sarah Palin and her infamous "death panels."
"You know Sarah, if we were killing off useless people, you'd be the first to know."

WHAT IF A FUCKING IDIOT THREW AN INTERVIEW SHOW AND NO ONE SHOWED UP?

I've never seen anything or anyone quite as moronic and flat out incompetent as this stupid, bag of shit. Sarah Palin is hosting an interview show on Fox about American heroes, the problem is that the interviews weren't done by Sarah, they were done by other people on a Fox owned website a couple of years ago. LL cool J was supposed to be one of the interviewees, the only problem was he didn't even know about it. He let his feelings be known about it on twitter, "Fox lifted an old interview I gave in 2008 to someone else & are misrepresenting to the public in order to promote Sarah Palins Show..." Right wing moronic Country singer, Toby Kieth was also supposed to be "interviewed" and was as surprised as LL cool J was, his spokesperson said, "We were never contacted by Fox. I have no idea what interview it's taken from. They're promoting this like it's a brand new interview. He never sat down with Sarah Palin."

Fox news, just like the quitting incompetent asshole they gave this "job" to responded like the professional news service they are,

"Real American Stories features uplifting tales about overcoming adversity and we believe Mr. Smith's (cool J ) interview fit that criteria. However, as it appears that Mr. Smith does not want to be associated with a program that could serve as an inspiration to others, we are cutting his interview from the special and wish him the best with his fledgling acting career."

Now LL cool J has had a career a hell of a lot longer than Sarah Palin's and while he might not have an Oscar has been acting for a long time and is on NCIS right now so even the dig they give them is ridiculous but so is their entire network.

Sarah Palin ever known for her genius wit, is fond of calling the other news networks, you know, the one's that actually cover real news, "The lame stream media" she's right, when NBC or ABC hire people to do interviews and they actually show up and interview people, ie, do their job, that's pretty fucking lame. Getting paid to do absolutely nothing, whether it be quitting your job as Governor midway through your first term, having a bullshit book written for you, pretending to raise your kids while they get knocked up, do drugs and party all the time or hosting an interview show with no actual interviews, that is how the non-lame, real american heroes like Sarah behave.

I can't say this enough, the people that actually worship this woman and think she should be president are the most dangerous idiots the world has seen since the rise of Hitler. The fact that the Republican news network promotes this dangerous brainless fuckhead in turn makes them the most dangerous thing in America.