PLAYING FOR THE WRONG TEAM

There's a mini van parked outside of my kids school every morning with a bund of bumper stickers and shit on it. On the rear window written in that shit high schoolers use to write about graduations and football games, is a very large, "Abortion is murder!"
Now that's fine if you want to drive around with that on your car, giving the same value to the life of a zygote or even a fetus vs that of a human that has actually lived outside the womb is debatable but it's a free country write all the abortion crap you want. Everyday i drive by this car and read one more bumper sticker or sign and most of them have to do with children and children's rights. the is also a big plaque thing on the door that says, "My son has autism" next to the autism sign is a big GOP elephant bumper sticker. Now I know hating abortion and hanging with the GOP go hand in hand but if this person actually cared about children and actually cared about children who have actually been born and live in the real world, outside the amniotic fluid and have autism then he or she would never in a million years be a republican. Let's put it this way, the only way you would ever get federal funding for autism research or any other kind of assistance for autistic children if the GOP had there way, was if the republicans started a program that paid autistic kids to strap bombs to themselves and march into Mosques in Iran.

The GOP could give two shits about anyone with special needs unless they can use the kids as exploited labor or as weapons. The only two things the GOP loves is the military and big business. They play up the anti abortion angle to reel in the anti-abortion crowd for votes but in the end, if aborted fetus's were worth the same as gold they'd be selling them on Glenn Beck's radio show.

SARAH PALIN'S NEW NEIGHBOR

If the man who just moved in next door to the Palin clan, Joe McGinniss, does to Sarah what he did to Ted Kennedy and family murderer Jeffery MacDonald then Sarah is pretty well fucked. Well, I mean, her seriously retarded, dumber than lumps of ape shit, fans will still love her and make excuses for everything McGinniss will dredge up, but the rest of the world will believe what's written and maybe they will finally treat this gaping asshole like she should be treated.

After McGinniss rented the house Sarah Palin in all of her high school level idiocy went to where all half term politicians go for a press release, Facebook. In her facebook message to her brain dead, asshole, shit for brains, fans she talks about how she was gardening in a tank top and pondered what McGinniss would learn peering in Piper's bedroom? In other words, she tried to make McGinniss look like a peeping Tom, child molesting, perv. Now with Sarah there's always a lot left out of the actual truth. Right now her husband has just built an 8 foot fence around their property to "Protect" the family from evil, pervy, Joe McGinniss's watchful eye, She even says he's gonna watch them in the family's, " little swimming hole" which is actually a huge fucking lake, Lake Lucille. Sarah never tires of doing her best, aw shucks, Ellie May Clampett, ce-ment pond act for the fucking rubes who adore her. Makes her more authentic to them, more full of shit to the thinking world.

Anyway, what's funny about her new found fear of perverts is that she and Todd weren't so concerned about wandering eyes looking at her in a tank top or at her kids from 2005 to 2008 when the house used to be an Oxford house for recovering drug addicts who had recently been released from prison. Also Sarah never told her inbred mongoloid audience or her mormon bitch mouthpiece, Glenn Beck, that her family actually lived in that house for a year. They rented it from the owner and had her renovate it for them, which they said they would pay for, they didn't buy the house and they never payed up for the renovations. The owner pissed off for being stuck with a bill then sought out McGinniss because she knew he was writing a book on the Palins. The Owner turned down a more lucrative offer to rent the house from the national enquirer.

Now it's not unusual to have disagreements with landlords or disputes over work done, I've had my fair share of dealing with contractors and not paying up until I was satisfied, but one of the things Joe McGinniss is undoubtedly finding out about the Palins is that everyone who has ever had any kind of dealing with them ends up getting fucked over and cast aside then maligned publicly. Sarah and Todd fancy themselves a little piece of Alaskan mafia.

So if Joe McGinniss lives long enough without one of Sarah's idiots trying to kill him for daring to live next door to the lying sack of shit and actually perform acts of journalism upon the poor, mistreated Sarah, there's no telling what he'll come up with. If you read enough about the Palin's you find out that almost everyone who knows them, hates them. There is gonna be a lot of dirt to be dug up on that phony ass bitch. Hey, maybe he'll find the birth certificate for the kid she says she held in for a day and half while she flew home from Texas with amniotic fluid dripping out of her. Or maybe he'll find the real mother.

A HIDEOUS CRIME AGAINST NATURE

Something so heinous and tragic has happened that when I read about it this morning I vomited with rage and fury. This awesome big tittied tennis player, Simona Halep has taken her glorious massive watermelons
and scooped them out into piss ant grapefruits. The horror. What a fucking idiot. So what her back hurt, so what her 34DD breasts swung and banged and bounced around on the tennis court and made her look like a human lava lamp. I don't give a shit, she owed it to breast men everywhere to keep those crazy cones. Wow, so now she cut her tits off and what happened? Boom! Eliminated from the french open in the 1st round. She could be in the locker room right now rubbing and squeezing and oiling up her massive rack, maybe pulling on her nipples a little, putting on her 14 sports bras, getting ready to mesmerize her opponent and actually give the rest of the male world a reason to watch the crapfest that is female tennis, instead she's sitting in the losers lounge hobnobbing with flat chested lesbians. What a world. One day her tennis playing will be over and she's gonna want a man to make sweet love to her and she will approach that man and she will say, "I want to make love to you." And he will gaze upon her with the cold, icy, look of disdain and say, " Sorry, I only bang ex-tennis stars with big tits. Now crawl into a hole and die for having destroyed God's divine creation. A pox upon your small breasts. May you rot in hell for what you have done." That's exactly what's gonna happen too.

THAT CAN'T BE COMFORTABLE AND OTHER NEWS

Every time I see lady Ga Ga I feel bad for her. Ever since those rumors started that she has a penis she has felt the need to constantly put half of her clam on display. Now I don't even feel comfortable when I have jeans on so I can't even imagine how she feels with a thong and fishnets jamming up into her ass and trap door. God bless her need show off the oyster ditch but for comfort sake, please put on some boxers.

In other Me related news: My homies came up from NY yesterday for to do some drinking, and drinking got done. A few of the boys were coming up to see Neil Young play in my backyard...pretty much, the concert hall is only a few miles from my house. So we met at my house had a drink and stepped out for some beers and food. We ended up traveling up to this little hole in the wall place that's on a lake. It's a real redneck bar but it's very comfortable and they have good selection of cheap beers. There was a blond, young woman there sitting and talking with some older men. To say that this girl stood out among the biker bitches and toothless trailer whores would be an understatement. She looked a lot like Tiger Wood's wife except she was hot. I was feeling pretty damn good and wanted to pick her up and toss her right on the ol' johnson but I'm a married man so I left it up to all the unmarried men I was with and not a single one of them had the balls to talk to her. I asked the bartender what her story was and he said, "she's a hot, cool, 22 year old chick having a few beers with her dad and his buddies." What a girl. To make things even sadder for my unavailable wiener, while checking out her back end I noticed when she leaned forward that she was wearing cute, little powder blue panties and had a small flower tattoo at the small of her back. Her ass crack looked immaculate. My buddy Steve who seemed the most smitten, was driving a rented red convertible mustang. It was a beautiful car. He has no wife, no girlfriend and was driving a hot car. I said, "go talk to her and chat her up, show her the car, she'll get crazy horny she'll tell her dad to go the fuck home and then you'll get yourself some 22 year old, beautiful, blond lovin' . No dice, these cowardly men I was with all failed to jump in on her game. Just the fact that we had all of our teeth would have impressed this girl and yet they all shied away like priests at an all girls school. Being single is wasted on the single. Dumbasses.

I'M FUNNY

I was called for jury duty yesterday and ended up sitting in a courtroom looking at a murder suspect. The little skinny Puerto Rican kid was sitting upright, listening intently while wearing a
white and pink checkered button up shirt with a brown, green and pink argyle sweater vest over it. The prosecuter spoke for a while as did his defense attorney and then the Judge. the Judge asked if anyone had a conflict with the trial and I, along with about twenty other prospective jurors raised our hands. We were escorted into a deliberation room and told to wait but not to discuss the case because some of the jurors might not be dismissed and they might end up on the jury. Once we sat down in the room, one woman said, "Wow, that kid (the defendant) looks really young, some nodded in agreement while another said, "we probably shouldn't talk about the case." Never one to shut up, I said in my best gay man voice, "Well I don't know if that kid is guilty of murder but matching a checkered shirt with that argyle sweater certainly is a crime." We all had a good, none of us Know each other, kind of nervous laugh and I didn't tell them that I basically stole the joke from Patton Aswalt. I was dismissed due to schedule conflict and I never saw those people again but they all love me now because I'm funny and steal jokes like a pro.

ISRAEL : ONE HELL OF A NICE PLACE

Here's a picture of a Palestinian woman who was recently forced out of her home in East Jerusalem being mocked by a bunch of pricks who came outside her home to gloat about the Israeli victory and capture of East Jerusalem in 1967. Scenes like this should make anyone who isn't a rabid Zionist or a raving asshole angry. Anyone who knows anything about popular uprisings would also recognize that it is exactly this sort of thing that not only sparks major rebellions but gives them legitimacy. Whether it's American blacks in the south in the 1950's and 60's, the troubles in northern Ireland in the 70's and 80's, South Africa, India under the British Raj or Algeria rebelling against french rule, you have the same dynamics. You have an upper class with all the rights and ownership and privilege and a secondary class of people getting shit on, sooner or later it explodes. Now Israel has dealt with hatred from the Palestinians since their inception and has had to put up with years and years of terrorism, the only difference now is that most people who look and see what's going on over there no longer blame the Palestinians for being pissed off. Scenes like this will move public opinion further away from
supporting Israel in all that it does.

Israel and it's supporters have milked Jewish victimhood for years to great effect. And there's no doubt as a people they've had some awful shit happen to them but it's gotten to the point that if you criticize Israel, no matter how evenhandedly you do it, there is no doubt about your anti-semitism. This crying wolf/anti-semite tactic can't last forever. Sooner or later, after years of bashing and labeling all critics, even the most ardent supporters are no longer going to give a pass on the ethnic cleansing of Israel just because of the what the Nazi's tried to do to their people over 60 years ago. More and more people are going to say, "Hey wait, isn't this the same thing that happened to your people?" This right wing Israeli government that's in power right now is playing with fire and if and when it ignites into a massive blaze they won't have anyone to blame but themselves.

OH YEAH, TOTALLY FORGOT, BEST SHOW ON TV

Having worked in catering for two years in my youth there is nothing funnier than re-experiencing the tragic, pointless, comedic, drug addled, sad, pathetic and woeful existence of a crew of dead end people stuck doing one of the shitiest jobs in the world. Party Down is the most awesome show on TV today. It's on Starz network so no one watches it except a select few but once you've seen it you love it. It's funny, cringingly embarrassing, sad, and yet somehow hopeful. You know you're dealing with pathetic mopes when the dream of the catering crew's chief is to open his own Soup or Crackers, all you can eat soup franchise. You know it's embarrassingly pathetic when the same character chooses to cater his own 2oth high school reunion so he can show everyone how well he's done since high school. Brutal. The show is filled with wanna be actors, comedians, musicians, writers and Soup or crackers owners. I've met all these folks before.

The sad characters in Party down remind me of the people I worked with. The ex- Billy idol manager who moonlighted as a bartender at Bar Mitzfahs, The waitress/actress who was in a scene right next to Paul Hogan in Crocodile Dundee but she was so short you could only see one of her eyes and her big 80's hair( nailed her ) The Waitress who got caught by the feds selling cocaine with her boyfriend and had to have the breast implants he bought her with drug money taken out. ( did her also) The waitress( who I also tagged ) that fucked the Maitre d' on the day of her wedding in the catering Hall. Yes, I'm not proud to say it, but I've worked with and had sex with almost all of these losers.

SHIT I DON'T WANT TO SEE

How many god damn times are these unoriginal, asshole, magazines gonna put once hot, but now pregnant chicks on the covers of their magazines? It's been done a billion fucking times and it's still the worst idea since cousin Oliver Joined the Brady bunch.

Magazine Publisher: "I want something different on this cover this month, something never been done before, something with pizzazz!"
Art director: How about a hot ass topless, super model with a two foot, candy cane colored vibrator, wearing a Sarah Palin mask rubbing one out through a pair of tiny white cotton panties?"
Publisher: "Oh no! That won't do! "
Art director "How about a naked, big, fat, pregnant bitch?"
Publisher: "Eureka! Run it!"

I've seen this crap so many times Demi Moore, Britney Spears, etc... belly out, hands over tits, hand over crotch. BOOOOORRRING. Why don't they show what it really looks like to see a naked pregnant woman. Big, veiny, milky juggs, swollen vagina that looks like the Plant from little shop of horrors, hemorrhoids sticking out of the ass. It's really sexy shit. And why Claudia Schiffer? She hasn't been sexy since she dated that magician who assaults women after he hypnotizes them with his rape eyes. Why do I want to see her with a belly the size of mine? I'm sorry but I cannot look at a pregnant woman, no matter how hot or beautiful without seeing a baby floating around inside her belly. It's like I have x ray vision. I see the naked, gummy bear, translucent, see through kid, floating there like 2001 space odyssey. I don't want to look at sexy women and envision anything inside of them... except for my dick. Vogue magazine? I've never purchased you before, but because of this malfeasance I pledge to maintain my lifelong boycott...unless you do the candy cane, white panties, masturbation thing.

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THIS NO MAKEUP SHIT?

It seems to be all the rage lately, celebrities are showing what they look like without makeup. And why the fuck would they want to do that? Some of these gals look whore-end-us without a pile of Spackle on their faces. Seriously, I don't want to see the reality of these idiots, I just want to think of them as made up, airbrushed tits and ass crammed into slut clothes. I don't want to see Drew Barrymore's blemished face unless I'm waking up next to her after a night of blasting her with my own Spackle. The thing I notice the most from the gals without the makeup is the ridiculous amount of sun damage. Two words: Sunscreen bitches. Smoking cigarettes, the sun and booze will destroy the face, that's why I don't smoke, always wear sunscreen and drink like a fish. Two out of three ain't bad. Looking at how bad some of these ladies look without the cement and caulk and grout filling in every crack and covering over every zit made me decide to start wearing makeup. I'm not that pretty, so I need all the help I can get and if makeup can make some of these war horses look presentable then I'm going to Adam Lambert myself up. Then I'll be cool...tranny cool. Check out how bad Kathy Lee and Hoda look on...what the fuck show do they do? Anyway, Kathy lee looks like a 90 year old sunning herself in Boca Raton and Hoda looks like you could cram two dead prostitutes into the bags under her eyes. I always used to say that I like girls who don't waer a ton of makeup, now that I'm getting older, I realize just how stupid that was. Wear that shit ladies...a lot of it.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

YAY WE'RE ALL THE GREATEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD!

Apparently Glenn Beck and I have something in common, we both think Mother's day is a bunch of bullshit. I have no problem with the idea of Mother's day, people giving thanks to their mom's for all the love and hard work they put in raising their children, that's a nice thing to do, you should always give thanks and praise to the people who help, love and sacrifice for you. But, like all things in this country a nice idea gets morphed into a money making bullshit fest. OK, I bought the Mother's day card for myself and one for each of the kids and they both made cards and have gifts for her, I got the flowers and the present, I cooked, gave the breakfast in bed, it was chilly so I lugged wood and made a fire. I did whatever my wife wanted for the day...wait a minute didn't I just do the same exact shit in February for bullshit holiday #1 valentines day? And before that didn't we just have Christmas? How many times a year do I have to go through some Hallmark inspired dickass ritual to prove my devotion to my wife? Shouldn't marrying someone kind of put an end to need to ass kiss? Wasn't my act of giving up all future personal freedom enough? Must I continually be coerced and driven by some corporate funded social pressure to subjugate myself and offer endless acts of fealty? I say enough. I love my wife but this shit ends now! Call me a cheap, ungrateful, unloving, fuck but I've kissed enough wife ass in my life, I won't be forced by Hallmark and a thousand cunts on Facebook to do it anymore. My Mother died 5 years ago, my Mother's day card buying should have went with her. The gravy train of bullshit holiday observance is over.

What's worse about Mother's day now is that you have all the outside influence through TV, email and social networking sights like Facebook,to continue and pump more life into crapfest made up horseshit holidays. This years mothers day the self congratulatory messages of how awesome Mother's are streamed in like squawking seagulls on a dead beached whale.

Who's the wisest, wittiest, most fun, loving and inspiring mom? You, of course!

Mother's Day is this Sunday - there's still time to tell another mom you recognize her everyday triumphs!

What do you love about being a mom? Lisa loves seeing her son smile when she walks into a room.

Only another mom really knows what it takes. Send Mother's Day badges to let your mom friends know how truly amazing they are.

Shut the fuck up. Drop the kid out of your vaj, feed them, clothe them, fix the boo boo's, read them books, then maybe go suck your husbands dick and get the fuck over yourself. Chinese women plop those kids out in rice paddies like they're spitting out tic tacs, how fucking hard can it be? You think Viking mom's needed cards and flowers? Fuck no, they gave the kids life, put them on boats and let them go fuck shit up. It's not science, you just gotta keep the little fucks alive long enough to get their asses out of your house. I do all the shit my wife does with the kids and more, so where's my fucking fire? I don't get flowers, I don't get badges to tell me how wonderful I am and I don't want them. I'm a dad, I just want quiet. I want to put my kids through a window half the time. The only congratulations I should get is that I haven't already. I gave them life, they're still alive, boom! father of the fucking year.

CYNTHIA NIXON SAID IT BEST,"I'M BASICALLY DATING A MAN WITH BOOBS"

I will never, ever, ever understand the butch/ femme thing. You take a pretty good looking woman in Cynthia Nixon and you put a troll she found living under a bridge next to her and you have what exactly? You have a dude impostor sexing up a woman who kind of wishes there was a dick involved but then again really doesn't. I want a guy, no, I want a woman, wait... I know, I'll date that ugly buttplug thing over there. That's what makes love so mysterious. Who would think that some gay women would fall in love with chicks that are basically dudes without the dicks? I get the two ugly lesbians together thing, I see it everyday at school. Lot's of unattractive, pear shaped, cohabiting ladies bringing their kids to school. They wouldn't fuck me, I wouldn't fuck them, it makes sense. I also get the two hot chicks together thing. I dig hot chicks, they dig hot chicks, there's only a couple of differences between us, 1) they've got vaginas and boobs. 2) For a man, if a woman is good looking even it she only likes chicks, then we want to have sex with them. They, on the other hand, would rather puke up glass and hang themselves with barbed wire than fuck us. Which kind of sucks and is just rampant discrimination. You see how open minded men are, yet those damn racist, sexist, anti-male, hot lesbians keep all the good poon to themselves. Like a fat kid with a bag of candy.

The whole hot lesbian chick/ butch toad thing is a bit confusing. It kind of doesn't make sense but then again it does. They want some of the finer attributes of a man but they like women, they hate the dirty cock n' balls, but they like someone to move furniture and lug shit for them, they want to snuggle, they don't want to fuck, they want a musky, flannel wearing bulky person to make them feel safe but they don't want that person scratching their nuts so they take the next closest thing to a man. An ugly stout chick. I guess it's kind of on par with closeted gay men picking up trannies or watching tranny porn. They're gay, but can't quite come to grips with it so they fuck dudes that look like women. Split the difference if you will. In the end though, I'm sure Cynthia Nixon is a lot happier being open about her love for her little troglodyte than the closet cases are about their park and ride tranny corn holing and being happy is all that really matters.

JAPANESE GIRLS WITH BIG TITS!

Hey, you like what you like and I like what I like. Don't you dare judge my love of large breasted Yokohama mammas. That's what makes this a great country. I can surf for Japanese porn and not go to jail. It's fucking beautiful and wonderful and makes me proud to be an American that has a slight fetish for busty Asians. Doesn't every American man fantasize about being a WWII fighter pilot shot down over Japan, being captured by a houseful of lonely, big titty kimono wearing jap farmer sluts and being forced to wash their underpants and be their sex slave? Huh? Anyone? Well I know my days are made more complete bu watching blurred out video's of big chested asian women doing strange japanese porn stuff. No Pakistani car bombing clown will ever deny me my enjoyment of watching giggling geisha's swinging their udders at whiffle balls and then running the bases. It's pure magic and I'll love it till the day I die. Take that taliban! You wish you could whack off to crazy jap porn like me. USA! USA! USA!

FUCKING AMATEURS

Some douchebag or douchebags tried to blow up their car along with some tourists in NYC over the weekend and only ended up with a big, fat, fail. Now I don't know the first thing about making a bomb but it appeared that this dipshit didn't either. This pile of crap loaded three propane tanks, two 5 gallon containers of gas, some fireworks and a gun cabinet packed with fertilizer into an SUV, attached his Mickey mouse alarm clock to it, lit up the store bought fireworks and took a hike through times square not thinking anyone would see him or that there would be any surveillance or video in the busiest intersection in the western hemisphere. The fucking moron also packed the gun locker with a type of fertilizer that doesn't explode. The VIN numbers were jerkily erased from the car, as if you can't track a car any other way and the license plates were stolen off a car at a garage in Ct. They've already tracked down the owner of the car. Unless the car ws reported stolen a week ago. My guess is this dumb motherfucker is already sitting in an interrogation room pissing his retarded pants.

Now there are two theories on this bombing. One is that this is some Islamist thing from pissed off douchebags crying like camel fucking babies about South Park showing Mohamed in a bear suit. The car was parked out outside of Comedy centrals corporate owner, Viacom's building, so maybe it was sent as a message. The Pakistani taliban took credit for it but authorities are dubious. Now my Pakistani neighbor, who just so happens to be named Mohamed, hasn't been around for a few days and his wife said he was in France so maybe it was him. But not likely.

The other theory, which is just mine and might be proven wrong by the end of the day but shit, I'll take the chance of looking like an asshole on this, why should today be any different? My theory is that this is some Tim McVeigh wannabe, right wing, cock looking to take his angry Glenn Beck message into the belly of the liberal beast of NYC. My thinking is this,

A) Stolen Connecticut plates on a car. This is an asshole from Connecticut. He went to a place close to where he lives or an area he knows well, where he had the access to steal someone's license plates.

B) If the car was stolen, why would there be keys in the ignition? Now if you worked in a garage you could file off vin numbers and steal a car but chances are this car belonged to or can be traced back to the dunce who tried to blow it up, otherwise why file off the vin's?

C) Gun locker loaded with fertilizer. Who has gun lockers? Gun nuts. Who are gun nuts? Right wingers.

D) on the video the guy appears to be a balding, white, male, in his 40's. he pulls off one polo shirt and then, abracadabra! He's got another one on underneath. Holy good disguise batman! Who wears 2 polo shirts? Preppies. Sounds like an angry white male from Connecticut who listens to Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck to me. I could be wrong, he could be an angry white leftist from Connecticut who listens to Keith Olbermann. Only time will tell. Sherlock Velvet...out.

update: 8:07 pm I guess I am an asshole. News is coming out that this wasn' t the work of a right winger. It seems these amateurish fucks are pieces of shit from Pakistan, so now I must eat shit for being a dumbass. Still, it might be my Pakistani neighbor which would be pretty interesting. I hate being wrong but I hope they catch these assholes, lop their heads off and ship them back home to their parents in pretty wrapped packages. It's gonna be fun watching the US strong arm Pakistan to arrest and kill every cock sucking, pederast jihadist, in their country. Let the Pakistani's kill their own pieces of shit I say.