WHAT I WROTE LAST NIGHT BEFORE FALLING ASLEEP MID SENTENCE

I'm sweating my balls off. Went to Lowes at 6:00pm to buy some shit to kill the fucking bugs that have gathered en masse in the week I was away to destroy my beautiful flower gardens. On the way home had a hankering for some wings and some beer. That was about 7:00pm. Just walked two miles home it's about 2:15. I was gettin' my booze on and I wasn't gonna let cops or DWI laws get in my way. I had gone to one bar and was about to head home when I got a text message from a buddy asking to meet him out at another place in town. "Why not?" I thought. But first I had to get the wife some ice cream as I had previously promised. I bought her a crazy cone from some Pakistani assfuck convenience store and delivered it unto her as if it were the crown jewels from north douchestan, She furrowed her brow upon the delivery of such sub standard frozen lactate but her insane love for both me and chocolate burst forth and she accepted the piece of shit ice cream cone. "OK! great" I said, "I'm meeting (so and so) at (name of bar) at 9:00, see ya later baby, try not to fuck a dirty Puerto Rican or Pakistani while I'm gone."

I met my friend and we drank and talked about life and motorcycles and women and japan and wives and happiness and music and tits and vaginas and how much I like tits and vaginas and and then I noticed the hell that is modern society. I had a fresh beer sitting in front of me but my car had been parked out front of this establishment for a couple of hours and I saw the police pass it about five or six times. I looked at my drink, thought about quitting and heading home, my friend was packing it in and heading home. I said he was right, I should go, we payed our tab threw some money on the bar and got ready to leave... then I saw saw two pretty, twenty something chicks walk in and I said to my pal, "fuck it. I'm thirsty. I'm walking home tonight, have a good night, get home safe."

For all I know he fell off a cliff. What do I care? I was talking with a hot, 23 year old blond with big tits about the white stripes and the Pogues and how much Boston sucks and good bartenders and bad bartenders and of course about love and sex and why guys are so stupid..."I don't know" I told her, "but if guys don't like you, it's only because your like the ugliest chick in ct." She was mine. When in doubt. Insult. We chatted and I stared at her awesome rack and I told her that I hate young girls because they're always robbing my semen. But too soon, time came when she had to go with her friend. I gave her a quick fingerbang and sent her off. I wept a little, but showed no one. I hung out chatting with the bartender about music and travel and chicks with big tits. We had said all there was to say about the things we enjoy. I swallowed my last beer, payed my new tab and started walking up the hills in the 85 degree, 95 % humidity night. It was a wonderful walk. I reached home a sweaty, boozey mess. I was home and life was back to normal. I can only hope that the hot chick that fell in love with me in only 1 short hour will not feel a feverish fluster in her gooey schmoo and seek me out. That would be terrible.

I fell

I DON'T WANT TO COME OFF LIKE A MISOGONYSTIC ASSHOLE BUT...

...Pregnant bitches shouldn't go out in public. Just kidding. What I meant to say was, Pregnant bitches shouldn't ever be on stage in short shorts that look like they're filled with poop. Alicia Keys used to be a sexy woman now she's a blob in poopie pants with some asshole's progeny growing all up in her stuff. If I was a lion I'd wait for the kid to be born, eat it and then put my own baby in that box. Then I'd keep that bitch off stage.

HOLA BITCHES! TED RETURNS FROM PUERTO RICO

Dios Mio, what a fucking trip. Nothing but rain, incompetent airline foolishness, spanish speaking people, kids whining about their ears and more rain.

My travelogue begins a week ago Thursday. I did all the requisite pre-vacation stuff. Mowed lawn, packed, did laundry, dishes, tons of annoying crap. My wife was supposed to be home by 2:00 to help me out. The ho didn't come home till 6:00. Slapped her up good. Loaded car, locked house, headed down to Brooklyn to a hotel near JFK for an 8:00am flight. Stayed out drinking till 12:00 am in hotel bar watching NBA finals game 7. Woke up at 6:00, brushed teeth, loaded shit back in car, drove a few miles, dropped off car at airport ride place, got insanely dangerous ride to airport from nutjob buss driver. kids flying all over, no seatbelts.

Arrive at airport 6:45 am, check in for 8:05 flight. Go to gate. Gate has changed, have to take bus to new gate. Get bussed all over the fucking place, arrive at gate. Something wrong with plane, depart time now 9:05. Give kids new Nintendo DS to play with. It doesn't work. Had also borrowed a gameboy from neighbors. thankfully it works. Still problems with plane, depart time 10:05. Kids start to get restless, board plane at10:35, plane takes off 11:00. Younger son digs the take off but soon freaks out because of his ears are popping I want to murder him.

Land in Puerto Rico 2:30 take bus to rental car place. Wait in 100 degree heat for 40 minutes, rent car, start driving,Wife has shit map, have no idea where the fuck I'm going. We drive around San Juan three times before finding the right road, head southeast for an hour, arrive at family owned villa in a gated community and hotle complex at 6:00, Villa is a musty, dank, humid mess, go swimming in pool, start drinking, kids are happy, life is good. Go to beach, water is warm, ocean rough, my older son almost get yanked out to sea but I snatch him from the cold clutches of the Briney blue. Go inside, take shower, Place is rank. Go out, get pizza, 1st of many tropical downpours comes. I buy beer. Go home, drink beer, pass out.

Day 2

Go to pool, go to beach. Villa is rough, no towels, stinks, no food, no toilet paper, no paper towels, no dvd player for kids. We go to Wal-Mart...in fucking Puerto Rico! Fucking insanity. Packed like a japanese subway car. Buy a boatload of shit, new bath rugs, new beach and bathroom towels, toaster, dvd player, food, beer, paper towels, toilet paper, scented candles, some other nice scented oil that goes in a vase. Head home to Pool and beach. Place is better after a few candles lit and the Air conditioner is run. Rains all day

Day three.

Same crap, rains a lot, we swim in downpours, who cares, already wet anyway. Go to inside bar off the pool, get a Miami vice, half pina colada half strawberry daiquiri...good stuff. Go back home, eat, watch tv drink relax. Not too bad a time. Take the kids to see Toy story three. The lines are a mile long outside theater, rain is coming down in buckets, get up to the window, movie is All sold out and in spanish. Guy tells me about another theater near a mall 20 minutes away. We drive around for about two hours looking for the mall. Total waste of time. Ted not happy.

Day four: go to Rain forest, swim in mountain pool under waterfall hike around see cool stuff. Drive to beach in another town drive around shady ghetto, decide to head back to hotel pool, bar at pool no longer serving alcohol. Go inside, bar inside no longer serving alcohol. Hotel lost liquor license. Ted very not happy. Go back to room. Take kids to movie again, this time we already know it will be in English and when it will show. Wait in weird line that makes no sense they treat the 3D glasses like they are gold. They are on a rolling cart and you cannot take them with you to the bathroom. Movie is great, Puerto Ricans love them some Buzz lightyear. Kids are happy. I need a drink


Tomorrow: ted takes life of family in hands with death defying ride in the mountains

KATY PERRY STILL HAS GORGEOUS, ENORMOUS BREASTS AND OTHER EARTH SHATTERING NEWS

I'm very Sorry for having not written in a while. I've been away and too lazy, can you ever forgive me? I don't care. Let's move on.

Katy Perry looks hot as balls in this latex, rubber, what have you, ass hugging, breast squishing, dress. I'd hump her like a szhitzu on speed. Now that I've gotten the fact that I want to fuck her out of the way I do have to say that her newest single, "California girls" is a total and utter piece of rectal spew. It's God awful, derivative, I'm out of good ideas and melodies, crap. My only hope for her, as I hope for all hot chicks, is that she falls on super hard times, yet remains hot and winds up being forced into having to do porn. Lindsey Lohan is sooooo close

Next

I saw the new Shrek movie with the wife and kids last night, I was also offered the chance to meet a friend at last nights Yankee game. It was gonna be a great matchup, Yankees VS. Phillies, C.C. Sabathia facing Roy Halladay, a few beers, a beautiful night for a ballgame, hang out with my friend I haven't seen in a while, or a movie about an Ogre. The Ogre movie won. Instead of having a modicum of wiggle room to be spontaneous in my ever shortening douche of a life, I saw Shrek Forever After in 3D. It wasn't so bad. The movie was enjoyable enough and my kids were happy. Ironically, the movie is about Shrek wanting, if just for a day, to be himself the way he was before the wife and kids sucked all the freedom and joy out of his existence. I love my wife, I love my kids but I wanted to go to that fucking game like a five year old wants candy. When things didn't work out in my favor I got pretty fucking steamed. Stupid, selfish and childish but I couldn't help but feel pissed off. Next time, I'm just leaving the kids on a random doorstep and going to the game. Fuck everyone, I'm going.

Next

I like the show Pawn Stars on the History channel. It's a reality show set in a Pawn shop in Las Vegas. People bring in some cool, historical stuff. It's a fun show to watch and bet yourself what something is worth or if the idiot bringing the thing in has a piece of knockoff bullshit on his hands. Some people are holding 40 grand worth of gold and don't know it, others think they have the holy grail and have a pile of crap. Definitely worth the watch.

Next

WORLD CUP SOCCER
What a fucking joke of a sport. Soccer is fundamentally unAmerican in every conceivable way.
The best, most agile, quick and talented players on every team, almost to a man, would rather take a dive in hopes of a major penalty being called or a free kick awarded than actually fight through a tackle and take the fucking ball to hole and score. I cannot take a sport seriously where they play for 90 minutes and there are only two or three serious scoring chances combined. A sport is also a joke when you watch it and it sounds like there is a hive of bees living inside your Television because every asshole in the stadium is blowing a giant, plastic, Kazoo. When you watch the English premier league games or European soccer you hear drunken hooligans singing chants and songs, once the world cup comes and all the riff raff countries and their douche fans are allowed to display their moronic style of enthusiasm, which basically comes down to blowing horns for two hours, all you get is the steady drone of half wits signifying that their country is a shithole that should be invaded and sucked dry of it's natural resources by us, a non horn blowing country.

Next

One of those disgusting skank whores that call themselves the housewives of New jersey or whatever that reality show is has a sex tape out. I wouldn't fuck one of those girls even if we were trapped on a desert island together with nothing to eat but viagra. I'd cut a hole in a coconut, go to town then let the vile skank drink out of it. Those heinous trolls are fucking yuck.

Next

oil keeps spilling, Sarah Palin says she has the answer. The day I ask her for advice is the day I have a lobotomy and want some first hand knowledge on how a brain dead idiot can manage to manipulate other, bigger retards and run for office.

I had Porkfest V two weeks ago. Lot's of fun, good crowd, about 80 people came and went, I barely had time to eat. Drank a lot but wasn't hungover for once. Some asshole who was probably trying to help but got impatient, broke the kitchen drawer where I keep my larger BBQ implements. It sometimes gets stuck . Now because this person will never fess up, I will just start breaking a drawer in every kitchen in every house I go into until I pay back the culprit. All in all, a good time.

I'm done... for now.

SOMETIMES THERE ARE NO WORDS

All I can think of is, I am a lion, she is a zebra I will stalk, I will pounce, I will devour. it will be fun.

WHAT A CRAZY WEEKEND!

If spreading a few yards of mulch and mowing the lawn and cleaning out the garage is crazy then I was one insane motherfucker over this last weekend. I didn't do nuthin' but annoying shit.
Oh yeah, I went to Taco bell and yanked my crank about 40 times. My wife took the kids to the Cape for the weekend so I could get some stuff done leading up to my magical day of Pork and booze ingestion. So I basically weeded flower beds, spread a mountain of mulch and other boring ass crap. I could hear and smell BBQ's going on all around me and all I thought was, "Oh yeah you douchers, next week you'll be wishin' I invited your asses to porkfest!" Then I'd run inside my house and cry while I looked at porn and heave ho'd on my pole. Seriously for an old dude I need to relieve this fucking thing like all the time. Every time I even think about sex I gotta run and tug. I'm like a monkey at the zoo. There are many days I go without self pleasure but then I must make up for the days lost with marathon stroke sessions. I prefer some good ol' fashioned big tittied porn but I do like it if the chick is working on more than one dude. I like to see ambidextrous-ness, and a certain amount of craveness not found in actual females. If porn chicks react as if they're offended or hurt or grossed out it just ruins the whole thing. I could see that grossed out look on any regular chicks face,I want wild sex freaks in my porn, I don't want to see prudes in porn it's ridiculous now lick that guys taint like it's made of ice cream.

But enough about my chronic masturbation, how about Israel killing a bunch of unarmed Turks in international waters. That's good for the public opinion. I know Israel thought it was being all tough and protecting itself but all this was was a fucking love letter, an engraved invitation for the scumbags of global terrorism to say, "See, I told you Israel must be destroyed...see! They're bad! Look what they did Here's a vest with a bomb in it strap it on and have a good time with your 72 virgins."