ICKQUAY! AMSCRAY! AZYCRAY ITCHBAY ISWAY OMINGCAY OWNDAY ETHAY IMNEYCHAY!

When dealing with an unhinged crazy chick trying to get into your house by way of chimney, always use pig latin while escaping so they don't catch on that you're slippin' out the side door. And remember, the last time you saw the crazy bitch she was on your roof about to dive into the chimney so when you return, make sure she didn't get her dumb ass stuck up there or you'll have a dead, smelly, dripping body fluids mess all stuck up in your shit and then they'll have to tear the shit up to get her dead ass out.

"A doctor involved in an "on-again, off-again" relationship apparently tried to force her way into her boyfriend's home by sliding down the chimney, police said Tuesday. Her decomposing body was found there three days later. Dr. Jacquelyn Kotarac, 49, first tried to get into the house with a shovel, then climbed a ladder to the roof last Wednesday night, removed the chimney cap and slid feet first down the flue...While she was trying to break in, the man she was pursuing escaped unnoticed from another exit "to avoid a confrontation," authorities said."
It just goes to show you that even female doctors are batshit nuts. Jumping down a friggin chimney like the fucking Grinch. How stupid and crazy can one unhinged chick doctor be? Dr. Seuss was probably a better doctor than her. In fact, I think he wrote a book, "Dr. crazy chick Grinch"

...she took off the cap, ever so nimbley and just like that, chucked herself down the chimbley. She found herself caught in a mighty tight pinch, would this be it for Doctor crazy chick grinch? She called and she screamed and made quite the clatter but no one came to see what was the matter. She banged her gardinkas and blew her who-honkers but her man had a plan and escaped east to Yonkers.

That's gotta be a fucking terrible way to go. I do feel bad for her but doing stupid crazy shit gets you dead. Let this be a warning to all the crazy, looney tunes women out there, if you should feel the need to climb a roof and hurl yourself down a chimney to reach your man, don't! Just do what all the still living crazy chicks do, cyber stalk the guy until he chucks himself down a chimney.

WHAT TIGER GAVE A WAY A FEW HUNDRED MILLION FOR

This is Rachel Uchitel's sandy, non shapely, bony ass. This is ground zero of Tiger Wood's implosion. She's the one his wife first suspected him of cheating with so forget all the other hags who came out tof the woodwork after the cat twas already out of the bag, she is the main culprit. Worth a few hundred? Maybe. A few Hundred million? N.E.V.E.R. ! I don't care if she can tie a dick into a knot with that verginer of hers, not worth blowing up your family, your career and your bank account over. Stupid man. Broke the cardinal sin of cheating. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times; never bottom feed. For all of tigers money he could havebeen nailing the top bimbos on the planet, instead he went with ol' sandy vagina over here. Stupid man.

1ST DAY OF SCHOOL, I THINK I'M GONNA PUKE

Poor ham, poor Pickles. Taken away from their loving parents and thrust into the cold, mechanical, gears of society, where their innocent brains are churned in the education meat grinder to come out the other end tasting like conformity. I seriously dread the 1st day of school, I feel so awful and nervous, I almost never worry about anything but today I need 5 xanax or five prostitutes or any combination of the above. My kids don't seem to give a shit, they're fine. I feel like I'm gonna be sick. I can't explain it, I just hate the first day of school, always have. I hated it when I was a youngster and since I've had kids, I hate it even more. I didn't think that was possible. It's a god-awful feeling, putting your kids in the hands of a school. It gets better after a day or two but the first day is rough. You hope your kids will do everything they're supposed to, that they will be good, that they'll listen well, follow directions, keep their hands to themselves, not say fart jokes all day long, not call girls brainless jerks, (which my son did yesterday)that they'll make friends, that the teacher won't be an asshole, that I won't get calls saying my kid shit his pants, that they don't get bullied or bully others, that they will not be the biggest pain in the ass in the the class. Basically, I just want them to sit still and never talk for a whole year. My poor ham, my poor pickle. I miss those two jerks.

NOT EVERYTHING AT THE EMMY'S WAS GAY

Why am I so mesmerized by these things? I stare and stare and stare. I try to use the part of my brain that doesn't think about tits all day to try to talk sense and explain to the part that does think about them why they're no big deal and to just move on but the part of my brain that loves giant breasts is so strong, so very, very, strong! My tits brain simply laughs at the thinking part of my brain, it kicks sand in it's face, it gives it a wedgie and hangs it from a locker. There is no use trying to reason with my own brain it knows what it wants and so I stare...and stare and dream and drool a little.

BROKEBACK EMMY'S

I was watching the Emmy awards with the wife last night and we couldn't help but notice that it was kind of extra gay. I mean, we get it, it's Hollywood, every other dude is gay but last night's show was like community theater on Fire Island. From Glee and Modern Family winning every possible award to every gay person on the planet winning every award it was well...very gay. Speaking of gay, My wife and I both agreed that Jim Parsons the guy from Big bang theory looks like he might have some sort of wasting disease...ya know...from being gay.

I got sick of watching the same two shows win every fucking award plus Edie Falco winning for best comedic performance for Nurse Betty over my girl Tina Fey was an outright anal rape, I was seething like a gay man after seeing a woman wear white after labor day, Nurse Betty isn't funny. So I switched to True Blood which was less gay than the Emmys which was really saying something because True Blood, while awesome... is quite gay. Vampires are a gay bunch to start with but throw in a Gay, black chef and drug dealer, Lafayette always making out and snuggling with his Latino boyfriend and the main evil vampire's gay boyfriend getting staked mid-butt sex by a Bi-curious ex-viking vampire and you've got lot's of vampy gayness, love the show but pretty fucking gay. True blood ended so I put on a true man show for true men ;Mad Men.

Not that gay men aren't true men, but if you don't have to deal with women in romantic relationships then you've never truly suffered and being a man is all about suffering. That's why we play tough sports and lug heavy shit and get into fist fights. We don't want to but it's part of being a man, it's our lot in life, our burden. So is putting up with women and all of their bullshit, gay men don't have to, they get to drink mojitos, pick up random strangers in pickle parks and blow whistles, therefore they will never truly pass as 100% real men. They're about 95.7 real man, they lose 4 full points for not having to put up with crazy bitches and .03 for doing gay shit with other guy's cocks. But back to Mad Men, that's a man show after my own heart it's all about drinking, sleeping around with hot women, drinking some more, finding some more women to bang and writing cough drop ads...and there's like only 1 gay /English dude on the whole show.

ALL WOMEN SHOULD BE SENT TO JAIL

If they're gonna come out looking like this, I say lock all the bitches up for a few weeks. Lindsay Lohan is out, and by out I mean busting outta that purple top. kapow bitches! Man oh man, I would gladly give her some weak, stepped on, baking soda rich blow to play with those boobies. I love me some Lindsay Lohan. She's gotta have some sex tape floating around right? Oh wait, forget it, it would probably be with that fucking skuzzbag Samantha Ronson chick. That would do unfixable damage to my brain and my penis... to my penisbrain. We can't have that. Lindsay, do me a favor, please make a sex tape with a hot chick that doesn't look like a homeless, crack meth addicted, 15 year old boy or with a professional sex tape dude like Screech from saved by the bell. Dirty lindsay Sanchez anyone?

COMEDIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK TEARS RIGHT WINGER A NEW ASSHOLE

Trying to defeat moronic bullshit one asshole at a time is no way to defeat the ignorance of a huge chunk of America's idiot population, someone should hijack the Fox news airwaves and go on a rant like this. It would be fun to watch. Oh yeah anyone notice newscorp, Fox new's parent comapny donating a million dollars to A Republican governors pac? Very fair and balanced. Fox news is such a right wing joke it makes Keith Olbermann look like William F. Buckley. I remeber when we first started bombing Iraq and everyone was saying we should take out Al Jazeera because it's just a propaganda tool for radical Islam I would Fox news is far more detrimental to this nation than 100 Al jazeeras could ever be. Knock their fucking satellites out of the sky and see if this country doesn't quickly become a better place to live.

TED'S HODGEPODGE OF UNCONNECTED CRAP

Lot's of strains in ol' Duder's head. I've been livin' hard..on the edge...doin' stuff...crazy stuff, like Chuck E cheeses last night. Fucking insane.

So here's what I've been thinking about besides boobies.

I've been very, very, interested in my NY Jets this training camp hoping that corner back Darrelle Revis will get a contract, come to camp and be around to shut down all the wide receivers this year like he did last. With Revis on the left and Antonio Cromardie on the right and rookie Kyle Wilson playing the nickle, the Jets secondary will be pretty friggin' awesome. I can't wait to see Tom Brady throw picks and take licks. I don't think the Jets are as good as they are pumping themselves up to be because Mark Sanchez still doesn't know what the fuck he's doing but it should be fun to watch the defense kick the shit out of people. The pats will still probably take the division, Jets, if lucky, wild card.

Played a gig the other day at an Irish club in Connecticut, it was fun, we blasted the ears off of some old folks but the kids dug us. The gig was a fundraiser to raise money for a woman whose husband just croaked leaving her with three little kids who were dancing around and having fun. The oldest kid, a girl around 10 years old, kept spinning and dancing around as we played. After the gig she came up to me and said, "You guys were so friggin' awesome, you made me really happy." Seeing an opening, I asked her if she could lend me some beer money being that we were doing the gig for free and it was a cash bar. Actually, the best comment of the day was when we were setting up and the family priest asked everyone to lower their heads and say a prayer. The drummer who is a serious atheist played along. After a solemn prayer espousing eternal life for the guy who died and wishing that God's grace and strength be bestowed upon the family, my drummer leaned over to me and whispered, "What a crock of shit." I had the 2nd best line of the day when we were eating at the buffet, I picked up a slice of turkey and said in the most dickish way possible, "Clearly, this is not boars head."


More facebook woes. I'm seriously thinking of throwing in the towel on that site. My biggest problem is that the people who constantly post shit are the people I most don't want to hear from and my funniest friends, the people who might actually write something funny or interesting never write anything because they're too busy actually living interesting lives. To put it quite bluntly, most of the people who post shit are boring as all fuck, one foot in the grave, sad sacks. Boring, not funny, not interesting, self obsessed, whiners. I can't tell you how many times I've gone on facebook and wanted to just write in all caps, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ARE BORING ME TO DEATH! Now I'm as self obsessed as the next man if the next man is Oprah but at least I try to write some somewhat funny crap or at least be a tad different which is better than just being completely un-funny, self LOL writing, I went to the gym, my dog is cute, I had a bad day, the weather is bad, gonna go shop for school clothes, my kids baseball team is awesome, etc... it's like they're pod people. That's what these people are, pods like from invasion of the Body snatchers, they might have been interesting at one point in their lives but they got married, had kids gave up and were replaced by these boring fucks that post shit about being betrayed and let down and disappointed. Duh assholes. Marriage, kids, home improvements, commuting, jobs... they are all supposed to suck and have since the dawn of time. Nothing new there. Here's an actual post from a soon to be suicide case I grew up with.

Another crappy day off & I'm let down again. If I'm let down any more I'll be in HELL up to my waist right now I'm at my knees

First off, it barely makes sense. I think she typed this on her phone with a rope around her neck while swinging above the kitty litter. Secondly, quit posting about it and just end it...quick. Put a 38 in your mouth and pull the fucking trigger. Put yourself out of my misery. LOL, ROTFL, Big hugs, heart emoticon.

ON MOSQUES AND MORONS

A black, ground zero, construction worker gets accosted by mob of biggoted dipshits

Sometimes the level of stupidity in this country even surprises me and I think every third person is a simple minded mongoloid. Irish Catholics who protest this mosque are quite simply complete fucking idiots, Mormons who protest this mosque, complete fucking morons, Jews, morons, basically any ethnic group or religious group has has a problem with the so-called, ground zero mosque or as I call it, the Burlington coat factory mosque, are stupid, forgetful, bigoted fucks. Every major group in this country has been treated like shit at one point or another and for Catholics to not see parallels with what's going on with all the Muslim bashing and what happened to Catholics in the 1840's and 50's is just blind ignorance and blatant stupidity.

For those of you not in the know, for the first 200 years of this country's history, Catholicism was viewed by many Americans as an evil, "foreign" religion where the adherents could not be trusted because they were dedicated to bringing down democracy and imposing a papacy. Sound familiar? There was enough anti-catholic animosity bubbling amongst the masses that a whole political party called the Know nothings was formed that basically had one goal, to drive all the Catholics out of America. The Know nothings tried to achieve this by burning down catholic churches and going through mostly German and Irish catholic neighborhoods and Ghettos and murdering people. Before the church burnings and murders there was just mobs of angry misinformed assholes blaming Catholics for all their perceived woes. Just like now. But we all know where this kind of scapegoating and demagoguery leads to. Now the catholic church stood by and allowed many priests to rape children but no one is saying you can't build a catholic church near a playground. No mosque here! No catholic church here! Same fucking difference.

Mormons. Mormons like Glenn Beck should remember how their church ended up in Utah. It wasn't because they hated the east coast or the mid west, it was because everywhere they went people tried to kill them and burned down their meeting houses. The church's founder and major league bullshitter, Joseph Smith, was murdered by a mob in Illinois. Now Mormonism is pretty fucking out there but it's adherents shouldn't be killed or told they can't can't build churches. They can be told not to have 10 wives and not to give their 13 year old daughters to their pervy uncles to marry.

Jews: Well we all know Jews have a legitimate gripe with Muslims but being Jews, the most historically disliked and scapegoated people on the planet they should have some fucking sense of when another religious group is being treated like second class citizens. Especially in New York where the history of antisemitism is as old as the city itself. Peter Stuyvesant the Governor of New Amsterdam didn't want Jews as colonists, wouldn't let them join the militia and then taxed them for not being in the militia, would not grant them permits to start businesses and refused them the right to build a synagogue. Wow, that sounds familiar.

I've argued this mosque with a bunch of people and all their arguments are of the emotional/racist/fearful/misinformed/holier than thou/ground zero=holyground=all muslims caused 9/11 hogwash. Basically their arguments are all formed by watching Fox and friends stupidity. It's a terror training base! It's a victory mosque! Ridiculous. I love this particular argument. "They have the right to build one, but they shouldn't anyway." This is the cake and eat it argument. Which tries to say, "I'm a lover of the constitution and the rights it grants unless of course these rights are upheld by people I don't like then they should move it so as to not hurt my feelings because they offend me. And if they don't move I'll do everything within my power to shame them into moving." Very patriotic. There is no logic to their bullshit only hate and distrust. These people crying over this thig seriously have no balls, they are cowards shitting their pants over every perceived defeat. " It's too close to ground zero. They should be sensitive to my feelings of the holy ground that was the Burlington coat factory." Well, just how far away is far enough to build? Where does the ground stop being "Holy" Can they build a mosque in Brooklyn? Can they find some space on any of the boroughs that won't be considered "holy ground" to these flag waving bullshit artists? Wave the flag but forget what it's supposed to stand for. Good work screaming anti-Muslim slogans all over fox news and TV, playing right into hands of the crazy bastards that actually did attack us. Fucking morons. Fucking idiots.




Christopher Hitchens, no fan of Islam says it well; "Two weeks ago, I wrote that the arguments against the construction of the Cordoba Initiative center in lower Manhattan were so stupid and demagogic as to be beneath notice. Things have only gone further south since then, with Newt Gingrich's comparison to a Nazi sign outside the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum or (take your pick from the grab bag of hysteria) a Japanese cultural center at Pearl Harbor."

OH BOY, A CELEBRITY PORNO I MIGHT HAVE TO BUY...FOR THE ECONOMY

According to the best news site in the world, TMZ, reality star Spencer Pratt is supposedly trying to a sell a sex video of he and his soon to be fake ex-wife, Heidi Montag. Now I know they did this to whore out their fame even more than they already have but this in my book is a great call. No one cares about Heidi or Spencer, she's just a plastic freak and he's just a douche but if I and others get to see this ass in gear doing the only thing it was put on this earth to do and the product is decently shot with good lighting then the world will beat down her door...for at least another 6 months. Now she might be a demented, surgery addicted, brain dead, fame whore with a body made entirely out of latex, Popsicle sticks and Elmers glue but I don't give crap, that is one fine ass. I'm putting my purchase order in today.

WITHOUT ALL THE GLAMOUR PHOTOGRAPHY AND DESIGNER CLOTHES CHRISTINA HENDRICKS IS JUST A PRETTY GIRL WITH A HUGE ASS

Oh yeah... and giant, awesome, breasts. I don't care how she looks in her street, big ass, momma jeans, I'd still bring down the sledgehammer and ring that bell. Ding! When I look at her pictures I feel an overwhelming urge to squeeze my monitor or a pillow. She should really sell breast sqeezes to random assholes like myself. Fifty bucks for 1 squeeze, I'd Mr. Whipple her ass until I was broke. I'd take a second mortgage out on my house to manhandle those mams. I want to be her baby. I'm thirsty momma, really, really, thirsty.

BETHANY FRANKEL'S FACE IS TORTURE BUT LIKE A KITTEN CAUGHT IN A BLENDER, I CAN'T LOOK AWAY

If you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all. That's a good rule right? Believe it or not, I'm trying more and more to live up to that standard in my life. (except for this blog) But it's a really, really, hard thing to do when there are so many assholes in the world. Now is it mean thing to write that her face is torture? Yes. Am I proud of myself? No. Am I one to talk with my ugly face? No. But I didn't stick my ugly mug on a TV and pretend to be all glamorous when it actually looks like it's been kicked by a mule through the side of a building into a wok factory. Her face looks like a pancake and bacon griddle made by Calphalon with a non stick surface. Mean? yes. But I want her off my TV. I watch three or four shows, Top Chef is one of them and all these housewives shows and their commercials are constantly on and they're fucking killing me. I like watching TV and these vile tramps on their idiotic reality shows are ruining it for me.

The reality show thing just baffles me. You take a skuzz bag like Bethany Frankel, someone I wouldn't let handjob me even if I was on a desert island and she did it with her head in a rabbit hole, and you give her a show about her doing the shit that everyone else does. Is she more interesting or funny or compelling than anyone else? No, her face is, but she isn't. I actually see this show and the other housewives shows and marvel that there are men stupid enough to marry these harpies. They are all the dumbest, worst, ugliest, most self centered, selfish, stupid, gross, garish, people on the planet. Watch any of these shows and look at the women all late thirties, forties, early fifties trying to look like they just turned 21. I would vomit on these bitches if I ever saw them in person. These people keep interrupting my Top Chef episodes and I can't take it anymore, I'm gonna have to give up my sweet voluptuous Padme and her giant milky mommy tits all because of the syphilitic skanks of New Jersey and ugly Bethany and her nutless gay husband. There is no justice in this world.

here's a montage of pan face Bethany crying every three seconds.

DO THESE TWO ASSHOLES GROSS EVERYONE ELSE OUT TOO?

I keep seeing this e Harmony commercial with Lee and Ann Marie? Whatever their names are, she scares me and he seems like a grade A douche. They show this goddamn commercial on every channel. I'm watching a Yankee game, there's Lee, I'm watching comedy central, there's Lee, I'm watching Hannah Montanna and masturbating, there's Lee. Is it me or does Lee kiss this chick like he's thinking he'd rather be blowing a dude... named Lee. He loves himself and she's a chick just wanted anyone and has Lee now and ain't gonna let go. I'll tell you what, I hope the building they live in collapses and crushes them both so I won't ever have to see them again. And I'll tell you something else, if a building did collapse on their heads it would be Lee crawling out all by himself and never ever looking back... unless its to look in a mirror. Fuck Lee.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT HILLARY SWANK

There is no doubt her body is pretty friggin awesome and tight maybe a bit too much muscle but I'm secure in my manhood I can handle that. What I can't handle is that I am always distracted by her enormous chompers. It's like wanting to fuck Mr. Ed. if Mr. Ed was just a horse head with an awesome female human body attached. I guess everything would be alright if I just did my business from behind and there was no kissing or fellatio involved. But I like that stuff. Maybe if I stuck a feed bag over her face and just plowed on I could get past the distraction of her whinnying and teeth clacking together like porcelain dominoes being put in a bag after a game of Mexican train. Horses like apples right? If I was to shove a big red delicious apple in her mouth as I begin to mount her there would be no clacking, no whinnying, no neighing just me singing get along little doggies while I put the steer in her love corral.

SOMETIMES A SHOW READS FUNNIER THAN WATCHING IT

I've been watching a lot of my favorite show, "It's Always sunny in Philadelphia" lately and thoroughly enjoying it. I was online reading a review of the show and it had a particular section of a script. The dialogue was from an episode where they find a glory hole in the bathroom stall at their bar. I laughed for about ten minutes. Now I had seen the episode and thought it was funny but sometimes reading the material for whatever reason makes the whole thing funnier so I figured I'd reprint a few gems from the show.

Dennis, Dee and Frank discover a glory hole in the bathroom at the bar:

Dee: Why would you want to have sex with someone you can't see?"

Dennis: Well, Dee, I think the real question is, why wouldn't you want to have sex with someone you can't see? It's very European. You see, Europe leads the way with sexual exploration. Quite frankly, I think it's time we caught up.

Frank: This sounds hot! I'm gonna go get some duct tape.

Dennis: Oh, now, hold on a second, Frank. Before you go sticking anything through that hole, you might want to consider that on the other side of this wall, more often than not, there's a dude.

Frank: But you can't see through the wall, so how do you know it's not a girl? You know, I could just picture a girl and then ... it's good!

Dennis: Right, well some might find that method effective. But it's a dangerous game you're playing, Frank.

Frank: Suppose the other guy is picturing a girl also!

Dee: How's he gonna do that with a dick in his mouth?

Frank: I don't know. That's his problem.

Mr. Kelly, you said that the defendant threatened that if you didn't, and I quote "Stick things up your butt, he would rape your butt until the room stinks, and then he would eat your butt and his son's butt until his stomach was... full of butt."

Dennis: Hi. I’m a recovering crackhead. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I’d like some welfare, please.

Mac: I do not even understand the smell coming from your body, dude.
Charlie: Oh my God, dude, relax. Dude, I forgot to put on deodorant, okay?
Mac: I have never once, never once seen you wear deodorant, Charlie, never once.
Charlie: Yeah, well, you’ve never seen me once wash my testicles either, but that doesn't mean I don’t do it every Friday.

Charlie: Do wasps make honey?
Dennis: No, wasps do not make honey.
Charlie: All right, well, I’m gonna check it out anyway; there could be something delicious in here that wasps do make, and I want that.

Mac: He doesn't have any poison.
Charlie: I don’t have any on me, but I do keep some in my fridge at home in the relish jar.
Frank: There’s poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles. What’s in the jar with the skull and crossbones?
Charlie: Well, that’s mayonnaise. It’s a decoy.
Frank: And the mayo?
Charlie: That’s shampoo.
Frank: You're telling I’ve been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?
Charlie: If you’ve been using the mayonnaise, then yeah, probably.

ASS!

That's all I wanted to say

SCIENCE PROVES IT: WOMEN ARE A PAIN IN THE ASS

I like scanning the science blogs and news sites for official, scientific, proof that my theories and ramblings are all based on fact. I often complain about women because I am a heterosexual, married man that lives on earth. Due to all of my earth dwelling I've come to a scientific conclusion: You bitches are fucking nuts. I love women. When you're feeling good and all is going well and the sun is shining and there's nothing to worry your insane minds about you're awesome. But when things go bad and all is not peachy, Jesus Christ, I can't get to a fucking escape pod quick enough. Now I'm wrapped tighter than a Chinese wristwatch, pretty much everything irks me to some degree and I've been known to stress out and lash out at times but, when the shit really goes down, and everything is falling apart, whether it being locked out of my hotel in the pouring rain at 4 in the morning in a foreign land or my parents croaking on me or my 3 year old kid is crushed under furniture and not moving, I'm cool as fuck. Women? Not so much.
A new study by National Institutes of Mental Health found that females react to stress in a very, very, bad way. The study found that on rats there are "striking gender differences" in susceptibility to stress hormones.

The key seems to be corticotrophin releasing factor (CRF), which is triggered during stress and attaches to receptors on cell membranes in the brain's "alarm center," leading to an aroused mental state.

Compared with females, male brains need more CRF to become agitated. And the receptors in male rats were also able to "retreat" inside cells, eluding CRF to minimize stress.

"When the going gets tough inside a locus ceruleus neuron, it's the female brain that acts 'macho,'" the study reads. "In response to a stressor, receptors for the stress hormone CRF remained exposed on the neuronal membrane in the female rat -- taking the full hit."

In other words, when the going gets tough, women act like crazy bitches. I've seen it too many times in my life, from my mother, to my sisters, to girlfriends, to my wife...all nuts and all the last persons I would want with me when things turn to shit. Remember the old movies where women would be in a disaster and would start freaking out and a man would have to slap her to knock her out of her conniption fit? Well that's all true.

The same study found that "women are twice as likely as men to suffer from mood and anxiety conditions like depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. Really? Women are moody and anxious? Did not know that. I'll tell you another thing women are GULLIBLE.

I was out having drinks with my lovely sisters and wife for my sisters birthday the other night and we were all having a swell time but when the talk shifted to romance and men Jesus Christ the fucking naivete that sprouted from my sisters 40 year old girl friend was of the 8th grade, Justine Bieber is awesome variety. This friend of my sisters was discussing a married man she knows. This guy sails with a crew of single women, drinks with the crew single women, bitches about his wife to crew of single women and "gets all kissy" when drunk with the crew of single women "but he would never cheat" on the wife that he rags about while being drunk and kissy with single women. How delusional is that? She can't be an adult woman and believe that can she? Why lie to yourself or is she really that dumb?

I try to lay out the truth about men as clearly as I can, there's not much to us. We like to have sex with women. If the occasion arises we will do it. Marriage will stop most men but they still want to bang everything. Many married men will still bang anything. We like money, we like sports, we like our wives and our kids and our houses and our toys and food but sex is what makes men act stupid and impulsive. Sex is the main thing that leads us to take stupid chances that can ruin our cozy lives. It's all about sex. Women feel an urge to have kids men feel an urge to make them.. or at least do the act that could possibly make them. There is nothing else to understand. Women my be nuts and are basically worthless in a pinch but guys still want to fuck their insane asses. Women are very lucky men are as horny as we are.

SARAH PALIN: THE EYE ROLLER THAT LEADS MILLIONS OF MORONS

A few days ago while Sarah Palin was busy lying about fishing for Halibut in Homer Alaska for her reality show, she came across a woman with a sign that read "worst Governor Ever."
The woman with the sign accused Palin of quitting her job as Governor to chase money and celebrity. Palin made some typically moronic statement of how she is standing up for the constitution and the army or some such retarded bullshit. When Sarah Palin asks the woman what she does for a living the woman says, "I'm a teacher." With that, Sarah rolls her eyes and makes a face toward her slut, whore, daughter Bristol as if to say, "Oh a teacher, one of those elitist jerks. An educated person, a book reader, someone who deals with facts, no wonder she hates me. Learning is for jerks, right unmarried teen mom and one time high school dropout Bristol? After the chat Sarah Did damage control. She went on her favorite teenage mentality correspondent tool, Facebook to deny rolling her eyes,


(note Sarah uses LSM for Lame Stream Media, which is pretty much anyone who calls her out on her ever growing mountain of bullshit) She's very presidential
The LSM has now decided to use this brief encounter for another one of their spin operations. They claim I – wait for it – “appear to roll my eyes” when the lady tells me she’s a teacher. Yes, it’s come to this: the media is now trying to turn my eyebrow movements into story lines. (Maybe that’s why Botox is all the rage – if you can’t move your eyebrows, your “eye rolling” can’t be misinterpreted!) If they had checked their facts first, they would have known that I come from a family of teachers; my grandparents were teachers, my father was a teacher, my brother is a teacher, my sister works in Special Needs classrooms, my aunt is a school nurse, my mom worked as a school secretary for much of her professional life, we all volunteer in classrooms, etc., etc., etc. Given that family history, how likely is it that I would “roll my eyes” at someone telling me that they too work in that honorable profession? Stay classy, LSM.


The thing about dumb people is that they pretty much only hang out with other dumb people, this leads their stupid minds to believe that everyone else is as stupid as they are. In Palin's case, no one can out dumb her legion of dipshit fans so it's not surprising that she expects everyone to be stupid enough to believe her about rolling her eyes. Anyone that isn't a fucking retard can clearly see what this video shows and what every sane, intellectually honest, mildly intelligent person knows, Sarah Palin is a fucking dimwitted, lying, sack of dog shit.

People, mostly republicans, ask me why I hate this bitch so much. The answer is right in this video. She represents with one eye roll everything that is wrong with this country right now. She is the face of the GOP and she and her republican ilk have pushed their base to such sub moronic and unparalleled stupidity that being a teacher has now become a dirty word and something to be openly mocked. Sarah Palin is a heinous, awful, mentally challenged, immature person with an unapologetic disdain for education and intelligence. She is the GOP. She is the backward thinking frightened, and deeply stupid leader of a third of this nation. She is the future of American, right wing politics. It will not be long before she and her brain dead minions come for the books. Hide your Kindles.

TIME FOR THE LATEST INSTALLMENT OF: ANNOYING STUFF ON FACEBOOK

One of my favorite things to bitch about is all the assholes that I'm supposedly friends with on Facebook. If Facebook does one thing well it is point out annoying habits of people you kind of know. Actually, It doesn't just point out people's annoying traits, it magnifies them until a person you kind of liked becomes a person you'd like to urinate on. Being a self taught psychoanalyst, I can pretty much deconstruct someone from what they post on Facebook. Obviously, the more someone posts, the easier it becomes to make inferences about someone's personality and psychological state. basically it's the same as talking to someone you just met. if you talk for three minutes they might seem nice and stable, give the same person three hours to spew their idiocy and you find out what a complete train wreck they are. Facebook is just like that with the one exception, you already supposedly know these people. This is where Facebook breaks ground. Facebook offers up in little snippets and 30 word bites someone's true personality. It reveals more about how people view themselves and how they view their place in the world than years of conversation. For example: "why is it always the people you trust the most that always disappoint you?" I can't tell you how many times I have read some version and variation of this post from some stupid married chick. Now the whole world knows that you've been let down. Boo fucking hoo. That's what I call a Martyr post. The whole world is against me now comfort me oh Facebook minions. The women who write this will never ever get the amount of attention they believe they deserve and will forever drive their poor husbands or boyfriends fucking nuts.

It is fairly easy to deduce from the facebook posts of most married women that they are miserable fucking bitches who need lots of attention and lots of psychological and medicinal help. It is also fairly easy to deduce that single women are also miserable harpies just waiting to sink their ravenous life sucking claws into a man...any man. Which brings me to deconstructing the men on facebook. There are pretty much two types, the type that kiss every girls ass on Facebook LOL-ing at every lame joke and agreeing with every lame scribble in the hopes of turning their ass kissery into some poon time and the guys who hardly write anything. I fall somewhere in between. I like trolling for facebook whores too but I can and never will lower myself to laugh at some jerky female's post that 97.5% of the time is the most unfunny douche scrawl I've ever read. I could go on forever.

YES..YES, I WILL MARRY YOU... AND YOUR WONDERFUL MAN ASS

Congratulations gays! A federal court has struck down California's ridiculous proposition 8 that made gay marriage illegal on the grounds that it was...um.. a pretty stupid law. Quoting the opinion of Chief U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker, "I don't care if these mo's make you religious fucks uncomfortable with all the assfucking, strap on dick wearing and whistle blowing to bad disco, you can't legally stop consenting adults from ruining their lives by marrying each other if they really want to. The Declaration of independence states that all men have the inalienable right to life, liberty and the pursuit to dress fiercely."

After the ruling, many joyful lesbians kicked off their work boots, trimmed their crew cuts, cranked up Melissa Etheridge, simulated fellatio on each others fake penises and vowed to keep their bodies unshaved. It was like christmas, new years, the Ellen Degeneres show and the softball world series all rolled up into one.

JENNIFER ANISTON NEEDS TO GO TO MARS

Can't she just stop and go away for a while? What's with this crap? She looks like a tranny at a penis tucking contest. Everywhere I turn I see pictures of this chick
and a headline bemoaning her lonely lady status. I'll make her a deal, I will marry her if she just stops existing.

KATY PERRY MAKES ME FEEL FUNNY IN MY PANTS

I love it when mediocre musical talents just say, "fuck it" and start whoring themselves out. Two years ago Katy Perry was the new, fresh, fun loving, cool, crazy girl, now she's just straight up porn chick... and I respect that. She's got the mammoth yams and the nice round rump so why not exploit herself a bit and flaunt those goods. I just wish she'd go full bore and come out with a Kim Kardashian type porn then I'd touch myself until Jesus returns. I laugh every time I hear the expensive gifts she's buying for her fiance, Russel Brand. The guy is an ex-junkie and sex addict. if he hasn't already i guarantee he will get caught fucking someone else. She's got a smoking body and all but she's just one chick and sooner or later, Russel is just gonna want a different smoking body to bang. Good luck with the marriage titsy.

THIS WOMAN NEEDS MY SEED...AND SHE NEEDS IT BAD

She's married isn't she? Why isn't she flushed with kids? Don't give me that acting career crap, why isn't she about to pop? If Christina Hendricks was my wife there would be no form of birth control strong enough or type of dirty, filthy, sex act perverse enough to stop my insane, heat seeking seed from finishing its task of impregnating her. It would take any route possible to crack her eggs. From inside her stomach like Pinocchio in the whale, my sperm would seek the path of righteousness to find some purchase. That body was put on this earth for one reason, the baring, nurturing and expulsion of my babies. Look at those hips, she could drop a baby out sideways. I want that woman to be a mommy to my kids. She might be a shit mother but just like Sir Edmund Hillary wanted to be the first to plant his flag on the top of Mount Everest I want to take ownership of her womb, well, first her Vagina then her womb. I want to be the first to cram a kid in that cranny and afterward slap some bumper stickers up in her uterus that say,Ted wuz here! So If her dickfaced, douche-nerd of a husband can't launch a BB of baby batter strong enough to penetrate her actress defenses then I will have to take over. What I lack in pinpoint accuracy would be made up for in sheer volume. I would just make it my business to keep her constantly doused in my love grog. Everything she touched from pillow to pencil would be swimming with my mojo. I would defile all her cosmetics, toothpaste tubes and feminine products with my manjam until she was ripe with Velvet. Then I would alert the media and say,

"Take heed all lesser men! Know that you are inferior with weak semen and unsuitable women with which to hold your offspring! It is my progeny that dwells within that perfect birthing vessel known as Christina Hendricks. It was I, Ted Velvet that busted some business all up in her shit to the point of conception! Take note and despair. Your testicles are now shamed! Acknowledge my greatness while I throw a bonus fuck on this hot, giant breasted bitch. Now kiss my ass and eat from the temple of my turds! Suck a dick he-bitches! Ted Out! "

It will so rule when I do all of this.