NEWSFLASH! CELEBRITIES ARE SELF INVOLVED DOUCHEFUCKS

Is there anything more heinous than celebrities clinging to fame by tweeting their lame, personal shit? Here's Demi Moore and Ashton Douche lying in bed pretending to still give a shit about each other when everyone knows Ashton has been plowing new fields. I hate Ashton Kutcher everything the guy does is a steaming pile of shit but worse than that he's a cougar chaser, it's sick. He went after an old married whore with three kids when he could have been banging his way through the young and nubile idiots that make up Hollywood's wannabe's and hanger-0ns. What an idiot, taking Bruce die hard's old cast off poon after it was busted. Bruce Willis moved on to greener pastures leaving this idiot in his wake to finish off what was left now they tweet and clog bandwidth with their attempts to keep people convinced that Ashton didn't finally wise up and start banging something in his age bracket. Sad, sad, sad. Desperate assholes.

In other celebrity asshole news: Jenny McCarthy, famous annoying naked blond with big fake tits, manly lantern jaw, autistic kid, some stupid books about autism and an ex-boyfriend named Jim Carey. She went on Oprah( the queen of celebrity assholes) to tell women why she and Jim broke up. "The first thing is, when it's not fun anymore, you need to start investigating and do an inquiry into the relationship." Umm...asshole, an unfun relationship is what adults sometimes call "being married." Raising kids, being around each other all the time, doing the laundry, doing the dishes, infrequent sexual activities, monogamy, having to be nice, having to compromise, helping kids with their homework, driving them around, bills, chores, doing shit for each other...none of this is fun. But Jenny thinks she can live a life of joyousness all the time because she's a celebrity and life is supposed to be one big surprise party. When asked by asshole Oprah if her ego couldn't handle being with a more famous (and a trillion times more talented) boyfriend, jenny the genius said this, "I checked into myself. How does my ego feel? ... My ego's fine. I'm a warrior mom. I always got back on my feet, and I know especially this year who I am."
"A warrior mom," fucking ridiculous. The asshole has a kid with special needs and all the sudden she's a fucking warrior. She's a warrior Sarah Palin has mamma grizzlies, what a bunch of horseshit. I am so sick of women acting like they should be treated like Patton or Princess Diana because they shit out a kid. Note to women: that is your biological role. To have kids is part of your nature. It's not that special, it's a bodily function. I knock out a zillion sperm you drop people out of your hole. Good for you. Does it hurt? Sure. Guess what? It hurts when I take a crap, doesn't mean I'm a warrior or a grizzly, it just means I have hemorrhoids. You know who a warrior mom was? Queen Boudica. After she and her daughters were raped by Roman soldiers in 60AD, Boudica led her Iceni tribe and took on the Roman legions in England and killed the fuck out of thousands rather than see her people sold into slavery. Jenny McCarthy had a baby and fucks movie stars, Boudica rode a chariot and chopped off people's heads. No contest.

IS IT ME OR DOES SARAH PALIN WALK LIKE A TROLL AND LOOK LIKE A BIG OL' LEZBO

Here's a clip of Sarah Palin and Bristol walking around L.A. with their offspring, notice Bristol carries her kid, the retard gets a nanny... and by retard I mean Sarah. She has a nanny carrying Trig. Don't want to let motherhood get in the way of posting sub mental douchebag tweets to her fat, fuckhead minions . Have these rubes ever heard of the word "stroller"? Fucking idiots. Who randomly walks around LA like that? Peckerwood hicks that's who. Sarah schlumping around in running shorts looks like Bilbo Baggin's brain damaged girlfriend by way of a Wichita Wal-Mart. It's too bad the bus from the Movie Speed didn't come along and pick them up and then explode. Sarah does give off a somewhat lezbonic vibe. I mean I don't really know what closeted lesbians walk like but I bet they walk like her. How about the friendliness of Bristol? Paparazzi guys are being nice and keeping their distance just asking a few questions and she can't even say "thanks" or "bye" I guess the two guys asking her how dancing with the stars is going are part of the "lamestream media." The fucking gall, Bristol thrusts herself onto a popular show and shoves herself and her kid into the limelight and then can't answer a fucking question. Douchebags. The video has an asshole rap commercial before the Palin's come on

BRAYLON EDWARDS ARRESTED FOR DWI, PLAYS THREE QUARTERS AGAINST MIAMI, SCORES TOUCHDOWN, WORLD CONTINUES TO SPIN

So after all the sturm und drang about Jets wide receiver Braylon Edwards not being suspended for a game after being arrested for drinking while driving, the Jets, with Edward's help, beat the Miami Dolphins in a nail biter down in Miami. It was a big win, the Jets needed Edwards and they knew it so a ridiculous punishment dance played out all week long. Listening to new york sports radio last week was like rehashing the OJ murder except no one was murdered. "He's gotta be made an example of!" Most of the chattering class screamed. "It sets a bad example to your other players!" Maybe so, but is sitting a player for Game really a punishment or does it just hurt the whole team in the name of good, and essentially meaningless PR? If he had beaten his wife would he have sat out a game? Probably but is wife beating worse than possible vehicular homicide? yes. One is hypothetical one is a fact. Just because you drive drunk doesn't mean you're automatically gonna kill someone, it just means the risks are much greater which makes it crazy dangerous and stupid. Does playing a guy somehow condone the crime or does it just deal with the reality of the NFL being a business and the business requires teams to put their best team they can on the field in order to win regardless of whether or not the player is a scumbag. Will benching someone make other players think twice before they do something stupid? "I was gonna bring my gun to the nightclub but I might sit on the bench." I don't think that's how these guys think. This whole thing got so stupid that the jets brought it to a new level of dumb. With all the media pressure to punish the guy yet knowing they needed him, they put forth a punishment joke. The Jets looked like assholes for "benching" him for one quarter and calling it a punishment. Talk about meaningless PR. It was a pointless pretend nod to the pro punishment crowd. "See? He's sitting on the bench for 15 minutes, he's been shamed. Can we play him now?" It was silly. I'll never drink and drive again. I sat out a quarter.

Now since Rex Ryan has been the jets coach there has been one Jet arrested, Braylon Edwards. In the same time frame there have been 6 Miami Dolphins arrested, 5 Buffalo Bills and 1 New England Patriot. Not exactly a crime wave in New York. All the other starting players in the NFL that have committed the same crime in the last 2 years have all played in the next game. The jets are no different. In a perfect world would the jets have punished him more? Yes, but with each week in the NFL being do or die they had to play the guy. In the end Braylon edards has fucked himself plenty. He's a dumbass who got behind the wheel of his car while drunk and got arrested before he could kill someone. OK, good, the cops got the guy, and whether or not he was benched for a week, the guy is gonna pay in a lot of ways.

Free agency- he will lose money on the free agent market for being a trouble maker, plenty of teams won't want to sign him, he's been arrested for drinking and driving and for a fight outside a nightclub. Some teams won't care about his record, they just want a big, fast receiver but most won't want to put up with his bullshit. He just lost millions.

The press: the guy is being raped daily by the press in the media capital of the world. Now you might say that's not a real punishment but having your ass kicked 24/7 by radio, newspapers and TV can't be any fun.

The Police: Sooner or later he's gonna have to deal with the actual crime which will mean fines, possible jail time, license suspension, probation. All the joys of being arrested for a felony.

The NFL: When the NFL finishes doing their work on this, Edwards will be suspended and lose more money. I doubt too many players want this to happen to them. He's already an example without being benched in a meaningless attempt to "punish" the guy

I LIKE KATY PERRY'S SHIRT

I don't know how else to say this but the fucking I would throw on Katy Perry would put us both in the hospital. I think I would literally chew and squeeze those melons completely off her body and I'm pretty sure I'd break my dick in half from the furious around the clock pounding I would sustain upon her nooks and crannies. This girl was put on this planet for one reason, and it ain't singing. She was put here to make breast aficionados like myself wish we were dead. I am only living for the day that her career is in the tank and she's divorced because she caught her British, junkie, comedian boyfriend freebasing with a hooker and she is desperate for money and fame and recognition and she goes the porno tape, cinemax, Playboy route to regain what she once had. She's a serious attention whore and if she can't get it singing she'll get it showing off her wonderful size K jackhammers. I only hope her rack stays just the way it is now bulging like ripe melons stretching the shit out of Elmo's face. I love this girl. She completes me and she had me at hello and she should show me the money and by money I mean tits.

I NEVER WANTED TO BE A PRISON GUARD OR BULL DYKE BEFORE BUT I AM STARTING TO RETHINK THAT

The most beautiful girl in the world,
wears a jumpsuit,
shivs the yard snitch
makes my license,
the most beautiful girl in the world
lives in a cell
picks the trash up
on the highway
The most beautiful girl in the world
isn't Manson
or Jeff Dhamer
She's just Lindsey

Frank Sinatra could sing this and make a million. Ring a ding, ding.

How stupid is this dopey chick? Hmm tough decision, lay off the cocaine or get fisted by Mable the cell block enforcer. For most people it would be an easy choice but once you've chowed down on Samantha Ronson I guess Mable's weathered hand isn't such a scary prospect. Good luck Lindsey, stay sexy.

MY BUCKET LIST IS COMPLETE: I'VE FINALLY EATEN AT THE OLIVE GARDEN

For years I have been saying to myself, "Self, you should really go to eat at the olive garden." Finally yesterday afternoon all the stars in the firmament aligned, the fates were in agreement and the parking lot was near empty. "Yes", I said to myself as if in a magical waking dream,"I am finally going to sup on unlimited breadsticks and a forever refilling pasta bowl."

I don't quite know why I was so obsessed with the Olive Garden but I was. The terrible commercials are probably what drew me in. Fake families putting aside every tuesday night just to go to the Olive Garden together? That's wonderful stuff. Actors portraying fake friends that go every week and try a new pasta and sauce combination? Adorable. I was sucked in. I wanted to feel the phony family vibe and revel with fake friends who would good naturedly chide me for my love of angel hair pasta. "Angel hair again?" They would all laugh in unison. Then we would all clink our wine glasses together and life would be as wonderful as a commercial. You know what? It was. For a brief and magical minute.

I was going to buy my niece and nephew overdue birthday presents yesterday when I ran into a couple of ladies that I know. We chatted for a short while and went our separate ways. Then I went to the sports authority to get myself a hoodie and ran into the two broads again. "When you dumb bitches are done shopping, you wanna grab some lunch? " I said. "Sure!" they said excitedly. "Where do you want to go?" They asked. There was no hesitation in my voice. I answered them in a firm but admittedly slightly over excited manner. , "The Olive garden."I quickly spat "Ok, They said, let's go." We got in our respective cars drove across the parking lot to the beautiful faux stone building that looks as if it were transplanted directly from the Tuscan hills. We opened the heavy wood doors and the lovely sounds of Tony Bennet filled my ears. "Am I in heaven?" I asked myself. No, I was still alive, but happy. I steadied myself and sat down. "This is going to be great." I told myself. When I looked at the menu, I thought," mmm, not so much.. ummmm....stuff." It was then that it hit me square in the face. the olive garden doesn't do any of the magical stuff in real life that it does on TV, this is all a scam. This menu is a joke. it looks like it was put together by chef Boyardee. Where are the heaps of pasta, the magnificent sauces, the mounds of cheese? Where are the wine glasses filled with clinking vino? Wait one mother fucking minute I said as i stared at two goombas sitting across from me dressed like the cast of jersey Shore. The olive garden isn't a wonderful home away from home...it's just a guinea Bennigans!

Suddenly sullen, I ordered some crap, dutifully ate it and vowed never again to look forward to anything ever. Life is just one big disappointment after another. The girl I always wanted to bang ended up having a smelly cootch, the GI Joe with Kung Fu grip just meant his hands broke faster than the rest of him and The Olive garden's endless breadsticks suck.

The ladies I was with saw how despondent I had become over my less than old time Italian family feast so they gave me a handy under the table. After that, I realized my chicken and pasta meal wasn't so bad after all. It was pretty tasty. Maybe the Olive Garden isn't all it's cracked up to be but the angel hair and chicken scampi didn't suck. Angel hair...again?!?!

I'M AN UNWED TEENAGE MOM, PUT ME ON YOUR SHOW

Can you imagine what the lunatics that call themselves conservatives would be saying about this chubby little slut if she were Obama's daughter or Hillary Clinton's daughter or the daughter of any democrat? Can you imagine the feigned, high and mighty fake religious uproar the jerkoff right would be making? Teenage, unmarried mom being glorified by our nation and made to look glamorous...tsk tsk. It's those leftist, ungodly Hollywood elites cramming their hedonistic, do it if it feels good, morality on us good folks in small town America. Can you imagine what the main republican idiot, her own Mom would be saying about Bristol if she weren't her own daughter? If Bristol Palin was Joe Biden's daughter Saint Sarah would be attacking her with every tweet, twit and twat her moronic mind could muster. You betcha, but conservative hypocrisy knows no bounds. Thump a bible hard enough and you can pretty much do anything with this crowd. Fake a pregnancy to cover up your teenage daughters slutdom because it proves your a bad mom? Forgivable as long as you invoke God every other second.

You see, I am one of those that happen to believe that their just might be something to this, Trig isn't Sarah's kid theory. A wild theory? Yes. but Sarah is fucking nuts and a pathological liar so I wouldn't put it past her to think she could bullshit a whole birth. There's two ways of thinking about Sarah Palin's pregnancy with trig that she hid for 7 months.

A) she was never pregnant and only started to make herself look pregnant at almost 8 months when her kid, who by the way was conveniently out of school for 5 months with mono at this point, was about to pop.

or

B) She wasn't really too psyched that she was having a kid with downs syndrome and was busy trying to kill the kid without technically aborting it without anyone ever finding out she was pregnant. Why else would you not even tell your own kids you were pregnant? Why else would you hide the pregnancy from your staff, from the media from your family and friends? If she was such a big proponent of special needs kids and so proud of her soon to be born son, wouldn't it make sense to let people know that she was pregnant with a special needs kid? Wouldn't that be inspirational to other mom's in the same boat? But that's not what happened. She didn't tell anyone she was pregnant and then, out of nowhere she reveals it to the shock and surprise of everyone, because at 7 months she didn't look pregnant and then suddenly, boom! She is showing. Then she doesn't reveal that the kid will be a special needs child. Instead at 8 months and 44 years old, she flies all over the place while she's supposedly leaking amniotic fluid with a special needs kid with a hole in his heart. She's supposedly leaking fluid and having contractions, doesn't go to the hospital in Texas or Seattle but takes a 12 hour flight where the kid could have come out on the fucking drink cart. Go to the hospital in Anchorage when you land? Naa. Drive an hour and a half and have the kid in east bumfuck in a hospital without a neonatal intensive care unit. Sound like bullshit? Totally. Kind of interesting too that none of the emails she and her husband sent that day let anyone know she's in labor or leaking fluids or anything.

Also interesting, in the Seattle airport a man she knows from Wasilla sees her and says "Hi." After the kid is born he sends her a congratulations note and says, "I had no idea you were in labor. you were sitting so quietly just reading a book"

Now with Sarah you have to take it as a given that the whole leaking fluids story is bullshit. She makes everything up so why not add some spice to a possible boring story. Maybe the real story is as simple as Sarah landing Alaska and then going into labor, no leaking fluids, no contractions during her speech in Texas, no calling her doctor, no nothing. But, even if the whole wild ride part of the story is bullshit, why didn't she ever tell anyone she was pregnant until almost 8 months in? Why was Bristol living in Anchorage with her aunt and out of school for months during the same time? Why doesn't Sarah just show everyone Trigs birth certificate? Put all the talk to rest. Obama showed his. You show us yours.

Man, I love conspiracy theories. Now this is probably bullshit but it would so rock if it were true.

A WEEKEND SET ABLAZE

Had a gig, cooked some processed meats drank a lot and cooked up my new little outdoor chimney thing the other night. I got nicely toasted hanging by the fire shooting the shit and drinking about two dozen beers until 3:00 am with my bro-cuz, The Boss Hog. The weekend rocked balls pretty hard. I Played a nice gig at an Irish festival, got a wad O' cash, got drunk for free, had my wonderful cousin and his wife as guests and the jets won. Fucking perfect. My band went on saturday at 3:30 rocked pretty well, chased a few old ladies away, had beers delivered to us during the set, we finished by 5:00 and was back home drinking with the cousin and his wife cooking up brats, itialian sausage and kielbasa by 6:30 got my cousin's wife to mash her giant yams on me and had a nice NERF gun battle with boss hog and my kids. That and the jets winning made my fucking weekend a roaring success.

NY JETS: I AM STILL FUCKING DISGUSTED

It's 1:22 and I am still mad as shit about last nights jets game. I've seriously never seen anything so fucking bad in my whole life. I still want Mark Sanchez and Brian Schottenheimer to fall into a bottomless pit so I never have to waste my eyesight on their incompetent asses again. That goes for the rest of the Jets bullshit offense. I'm fucking disgusted just thinking about last nights game. I'm driving around and randomly shouting out, "You useless fucks!" like a tourettes patient. They better fucking win this sunday. And if things weren't bad enough, the jets lost their nose tackle Chris Jenkins for the year...again! SAME OLD JETS! JETS! JETS!

NOW WHY WOULD I GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT THIS? WHEN I CAN SEE THAT? NSFW

So I'm looking through the Huffington post and I see a headline, PHOTOS: Kim Kardashian's Just-Released NUDE Playboy Pics. I put it on the "to do" list but continue scanning the page. I scroll down a bit and to the right I see this unbelievably ridiculously stupid headline.
Kim Kardashian Shows Off Her Legs In London (PHOTOS)

Now why the fuck would anyone in their right mind, male or female, give two shits about Kim kardashians stupid legs in a London phonebooth when I can see her vagina in Playboy? Why would anyone even think for a second that anyone would care to see Kim Kardashians legs? There are only three reasons to give a crap about Kim kardashian, her ass, her breasts, her vagina. She's a hot chick that made a porno to get famous. She's a fame whore with the accent on whore. I could care less about anything she does unless it's blowing dudes on video or getting naked. Now Kim kardashian wants people to think of her as some legitiamte TV star/model but I'm a man and as a man I know two things, A) She's a total whore. B) She's a model the same way Jenna Jameson is a model. Wear all the black fluffy skirts and berets you want, you're a naked chick, not a model so no one cares. She is a pretty girl but her legs? C'mon man, her legs aren't worth the energy of a mouse click. What kind of gay asshole editor put this huff post page together? Seriously, only a gay dude would do that. "Oh, legs are sexy...vaginas gross...get me a latte."

JESUS F-ING CHRIST! WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS

My jets lost a ridiculously badly played game. they had no offense and lost 10-9 fucking pathetic. During the whole nutless display of the jets playing like eunuchs I kept switicng it over to the Yankees Devil Rays game. 0-0 tie all the way through. The jets lose I turn to the Yankee game still 0-0 in the 11th inning...bang! walk off home run for the devil rays, they take over 1st place by half a game. The yankees just got swept by the rangers over the weekend and had lost 2 0f 3 to Baltimore and now they couldn't muster a single run tonight. Weak ass bitchcunts. Between my nutless jets offense and my dickless yankee offense, I've got two fucking useless post op tranny sports teams. I am disgusted by both of these anemic suck teams. What's worse is that I just booked plane and hotel reservations to catch the jets in Buffalo in three weeks. Fuck it, I'll just get drunk. At least that will be fun.

In other, more sexy news, here are more pictures of Ines Sainz,
the mexican reporter the jets harassed instead of learning some fucking offensive plays. Here she is on the sideline of some sports event dressed professionally as always. Damn them pants are tight. I'm so mad about the jets and Yankees I have no other option but to rub out an angry wank to this chick right here.

THE JETS SEXUALLY HARASSED THIS FEMALE REPORTER...SHOCKING!!!!

I know women are supposed to be treated with respect at all times and they shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable in the workplace and all that, but shit, you walk into a locker room filled with giant NFL neanderthals dressed like this, with an ass like this and you're lucky you don't leave with a poopshoot the size of a manhole cover. Now if the coaching staff were acting as douchebaggish as the players were then it's pretty fucking lame so fine them kick their asses for being unprofessional and tainting the teams image but still, boys will be boys and football players are pretty much retarded idiots so it's kind of expected. I'm not saying it's right to intimidate a woman just becasue she's hot but if you want to be taken seriously as a female sports reporter, wear a Hillary pantsuit and dyke yourself up a bit. There are no hot sports reporters, there are only hot female sideline reporters like Erin Andrews but that's about as bullshit a job as you can get, it's a pretty face to keep guys interested before halftime, that's all. Seriously, this outfit is kind of nuts for a reporter, those pants are so tight I can see her cervix. Besides, all the good female sports reporters look like this (mary Carillo HBO real sports) But more important, Go Jets! I had a vision they defeat the Ravens 17-13-sanchez plays shitty but special teams win the game. Hope springs eternal. Nice overalls.

NOW THAT THE 9/11 VICTIM FEST IS OVER, i HAVE A FEW QUICK THOUGHTS

I saw a lot of this
Sanctimony:Feigned piety or righteousness; hypocritical devoutness or high-mindedness.

I saw assholes go from a memorial service to a hate fest outside an empty building in lower Manhattan. Very pious people with their placards of stupidity. Can't we have another plane fly into these dickwads?

I can't believe people would admit to their own defeatist cowardly attitude by calling the planned mosque in lower Manhattan a "victory mosque" I'm sorry, did we get defeated by radical Islam or did they just destroy two buildings and kill a bunch of innocent people? It was a kick in the balls hardly a victory. If that's all it takes to declare "victory" over the United States, then we're the biggest bitches on the planet. These whining assholes might have been defeated but I moved on because unlike these crybaby assfucks I'm not a whiny bitch.

I heard a good joke,

Knock, knock

Who's there?

9/11

9/11 who?

I thought you said you'd never forget!

until next years 10th anniversary pussy fest.

OH NO, IT'S ALMOST THE 9/11 ANNIVERSARY I SEE THE FLAGWAVING GRIEF-BOTS COMING OUT OF THE WOODWORK

Together we pause to remember the victims, to grieve with the families and friends of those who died, and to honor the heroes of that day and each day since who have sacrificed to save lives and serve their country.

Fly the American Flag in a moment of remembrance for 9/11.

Shut the fuck up. Now I was just as just as pissed off, just as scared, shocked, and depressed by what happened on 9/11 as anyone who wasn't killed or a relative of a victim or stuck in the fucking towers or trying to save people stuck in the towers or living or working right there. Outside of that group of people, the people running for their lives, covered in dust and scared shitless we are all just TV watchers. It was scary as fuck for everyone but some people like to believe that they are the true survivors of 9/11.

I'm pretty much sick of 9/11 grief hogs. You know who I'm talking about. the people with the little banners on facebook, the mass e-mailers. I'm gonna fly my flag on 9/11 in honor of those that.. blah blah blah. I fly mine everyday fuckhead. Now like most things squishy and involved with feelings I get kind of turned off. Mostly because I see it as a show. I'm gonna show everyone how deeply I feel things. Watch me empathize. I am remembering, are you remembering as much as I am? If you're not remembering and grieving like me then you don't love your country like I do. See? I put an American flag on my facebook page. That means I am feeling and remembrance-ing. I have to say some of the people doing this on facebook I like a lot, they're good people but obviously not as prone to hating outward appearances of grief and mourning like I am. I take my grief of the shitty things that have occurred in my life, put them in a dark place and drink them to death. I don't facebook them and I don't flag wave them and I don't give a shit if anyone else knows I feel them. It is a rare occasion that I dwell into them in front of someone else. Now putting a little flag on Facebook doesn't hurt anyone but it certainly isn't bringing anyone back either. It's just a grandstand, a mock action of solidarity to be in a club of almost were's that didn't actually have a building fall on their heads but kind of wish they did. Let the people who lost people mourn in their own way, let the mourn brigade and grief tourists stick their little flags up their disingenuous asses.

STUFF I LIKE VS STUFF I DON'T LIKE

Stuff I like: Charlize Theron's ass leaning into her car I like...a lot. She was shopping in her little, tiny shorts and a flannel shirt when boom, the paparazzi come and take her picture. Sure she planned on wearing her little tramp shorts but it's not her taking a picture of herself. Just a ht chick showing some ass. Wonderful.

Stuff I don't like: Demi Moore taking pictures of herself and posting them on the internet to show how hot she still is for an older chick. Yes she looks good but the desperation to still matter is so obvious it's just sad. We get it, you're a hot milf that bangs a younger dude. Big fucking wow. She's hot but only in a plastic surgery, coke whore, older porn chick kind of way. She's got three grown up, big jawed, daughters, shouldn't she put down her blackberry and put a chisel to her kids chins? Wanna see more ridiculousness? Watch the video of her dancing in front of a Snoop Dog audience. You can smell the irrelevance coming off her while she freaks Ashton like a stripper having a seizure. Pretty friggin funny.

TEA PARTY CANDIDATE SAY MASTURBATION IS THE SAME AS CHEATING...IF SO, I'M CHEATING RIGHT NOW

I'm gonna cheat right now to this picture of a tea party retard. Yeah... that's it, smile in your pinstripe suit you little whore... yeah, I see that necklace swooping low against your slut chest. Mind if I pull your long, dark, brown hair? Oh yeahhh, repressed catholic conservative nutcase..that's it...you're awesome... surrender Dorothy! uhhhgggohhhyeahhhh. Nice. Cheating with conservatives is fun.

Christine O'Donnell who is running for the Joe Biden's old senate seat in Delaware doesn't like people playing with their naughty bits cause it makes Jesus cry. She said that masturbation requires lust which is cheating in your heart which the bible considers cheating. Ok, so instead of looking at porn and peeling one off to someone i don't know i should find someone to bang becauee they're equally as wrong. Sounds good to me.

She's also extremely paranoid and likes to lie a lot. In other words, she's probably a crazy freak in the sack. This is how she describes the political forces that are against her.

"She recently told the Weekly Standard that she doesn't give out the location of her house because it was broken into and vandalized during the 2008 campaign -- even though there is no police report of any such incident... "They’re following me," O'Donnell claimed. "They follow me home at night. I make sure that I come back to the townhouse and then we have our team come out and check all the bushes and check all the cars to make sure that—they follow me....They knock on the door at all hours of the night. They’re hiding in the bushes when I’m at candidate forums."

This is what passes for a candidate to conservatives these days. The republicans created this monster now they're peeling votes away from their own candidates.
The republicans are gonna win back the house and maybe the Senate with these Taliban-esque freak shows. Good luck America. We're pretty fucked.

MINE EYES HAVE SEEN THE GLORY OF...UH, SOME STUFF

I was out and about doin' all sorts of crap this past holiday weekend and with all that stuff doing came some stuff seeing.

Whenever my wife and I are going somewhere I always point things out to her while we walk or while I drive, "did you see that dog on the back of a motorcycle? Did you see that big, fat, lady with the doodie stain on the back of her sweats? Did you see that blue jay swoop down at that cat?" "No I didn't, now keep your eyes on the road." She snaps back at me. "Ok, Ok." I say as I mumble shit about her under my breath. What I'm actually trying to say here while making my wife look a nasty person is that I pretty much notice everything going on around me. This past weekend my wife was sick so I was free to take my kids out with me and point out at all the stuff I wanted to without her being jealous of my awesome alertness. So what did I see? Wonderful things.

At stop and shop I saw a guy with gray hair and a gray beard around 60 years old buying two big boxes of condoms. Actually, he wasn't buying them he was holding them while on line at the pharmacy counter probably waiting for his viagra. "What level of disgusting skank is he gonna bang till she dies this weekend?" I said to myself as a cold, disgust shiver ran up my spine.

I saw a hot girl sitting with her boyfriend at a farm stand. They were sitting at the table next to me and my son facing us. I glanced over at the girl, about 22-ish with a super tight wife beater, dirty blond hair in pony tail, nice face, nice rack and tiny shorts. She was on the same side of the table next to her man kind of sitting with half her ass on the corner edge of the bench. She had one leg under the table front ways and one swung out toward me. She was wearing short athletic shorts. very short. Like I can see your vagina short. I say they were, I can see your vagina short because I could see her vagina, or at least some of it. I t was kind of a mush of panties and exposed crotch. Still it was a nice surprise. I gave a quick glance or two trying hard not to be obvious. I kept looking their way, toward the sun as if I was an aborigine who could tell time by gauging it's height or I would scan the parking lot pretending to look for something then I'd throw the eye glance downward and back to my drink. I know it's pervy but I'm a man, man. Kill me, I like young lady parts. My son looked over at her crotch and was beginning to take an interest and I said, "Hey let's go see the ducks!" I sadly had to leave while her goods got a good air out. I left them exposed but unwatched and unappreciated.

Now the reason I could not linger and maybe sneak another quick peak at the vaj free shot is because my son has no filter and seems to have the same powers of observation that I have except he likes to say exactly what he sees very loudly. Earlier that day while we were at Stop and Shop, before I saw the old guy with the condoms, we saw a lady with a huge 50 inch wide ass. "That lady has a huge butt!" He said, easily within the woman's earshot. I threw him a, shut the fuck face. But he didn't seem to get it. "Dad, did you hear me? That lady has a huge butt!" I gave him the under the breath, I'm gonna bust your head if you open that mouth again, speech. Then when we were away from the woman i told him how mean that was and how he probably hurt her feelings and to keep it to himself when he sees stuff like that.

"You mean I can just think that she has a big butt?"
"Yes." I said.
"And I won't go to hell for that?"
"No." I said.
"Good, ok I'll just think the stuff I want to say when I see weirdos"
"Just keep your mouth shut." I said.

No more than 45 seconds later we are going down an isle and there is a guy in a wheelchair with only one leg.
"Jesus fucking christ" I say to myself. "Please don't say anything."

I look over at my son about to throw some fucking apples down his throat if he opens his mouth to speak but he just gives a quick glance at the guys stump. The guy wheels himself by us and my son says nothing. I look down at my boy and he he motions with his thumb about the guy with one leg and then makes the motion of cutting off his own leg. I nodded as if to say, "Yes, I see, the guy only has one leg." I patted him on the head and got the fuck out of there as fast as I could.

MACHO SALAD

Here is how a real man makes a salad. This is a clip from a swedish movie where the husband feels his marriage is falling apart due to a lack of machismo so he ratchets up the testosterone while he helps with the dinner. The salad dressing he makes looks awesome...and very macho. I've been cooking like this for years and my wife gets all worked up every time.

I HAVE ALWAYS DEPENDED ON THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS

I got a flat tire yesterday and Jesus Christ I've never had so much trouble changing a flat in my life and if it weren't for some random dude coming by on a moped I to assist would have been fucked. When the tire blew i was on the way to the doctor with my kid. I hear the tire flopping around I stop and say, "10 minutes!" that's about how long changing a tire should take. An hour and a half later I was exhausted, covered in sweat and dirt and soot and grease with bloody knuckles.

The first problem was there is no fucking level ground in my town, I'm trying to hoist a 4000 pound friggin suv with a bullshit jack that is way to small for the size of my vehicle on unlevel ground. The car kept slipping off the jack and it bent the jack so trying to get the car high enough with a bent jack to slip the donut on was next to impossible. The next thing was my car has 4 regular lug nuts and then a different one that needs a separate chuck that fits on the tire iron to get the last nut off. I couldn't find the fucking thing. I had never had to change a tire on this car so I didn't know where the fucking thing was. It wasn't where the jack was so I searched and that took some time to pull everything out of the car until I found it in my glove box inside a an envelope. Then the tire is kept under the car, you have to unravel a cable with the tire iron and then slip the spare of the block that it hangs from. I only found this out by reading my manual after trying to twist the thing off for abut 5 minutes. So I'm laying in the gravel in the 90 degree heat with a bent car jack trying to get the fucking car up. I succeed, I'm about to put the spare on, my kid jumps into the back of the car and... bang! Down comes car, jack bent to shit. I call my wife, bring me your car jack, she shows up all pissed off. I use her jack...not big enough. She's got a regular sedan so her jack doesn't lift the car high enough to get the spare on. I fit my bent jack under there, it takes me about 25 minutes to turn the crank on the jack unti the car is high enough off the ground, the guy who came by on the moped assists me because at his point I'm about to fucking die. I still need another half an inch but the jack is so bent I can't turn it anymore, I say fuck it, grab the front of the car and lift like the hulk and the guy slips the spare on. Then my younger son takes the tire iron and flings it into the overgrown brush never to be seen again. Fucking moron.

OLIVIA MUNN'S POON IS ON FIRE

I'm gonna cook some smores over that thing. All I need is a big stick...oh wait, it's in my hand...like always. Gotta say, call me crazy but I really like hot girls in panties. I want to be on her.

ME FAIL POLOTIKS? THAT'S UNPOSSIBLE

Here's the racist dipshit that runs Arizona getting her dipshit on. This puppet faced hag just can't seem to remember what the fuck she's done the last two years in Arizona except of course fight the evil government and ethnically profile them dirty, brown, folks. She fucks up right at the beginning and fixes herself but then she goes back off the rails into the crickety silence of Cindy Brady-land. Watch the awesomeness starting at around 32 seconds in. Then as if she isn't stupid enough in the 2nd clip during the debate she refuses to back off a statement she made that people were being beheaded in the desert. When questioned by a local news woman and some other reporters she turns tail and runs. Republicans love to just make shit up, it's not overly surprising what happens when someone calls them out on it. Run Away!

I'D WATCH MUMMY

I do believe all the people in this video are from one of my favorite real shows, Starz's, "Party down." if you're like me than you've probably always wondered what it would be like to perform cunnilingus on a mummy. Now I know. It's A little dry, a little dusty but sexy as hell.

Mummy! from Lizzy Caplan

THE ASSHOLE FROM WASILLA: VANITY FAIR RIPS PALIN A NEW ONE

One small part of me hopes Sarah Palin becomes the next president of the United States. I think this way because a country stupid enough to let this moronic asshole become its leader deserves the shit storm that would befall us if she ever got her lying, ignorant, hands on the reigns of power. I will say this knowing that it is 100% true and irrefutable; if you like Sarah Palin or think that she would be a good President, you either have a severe mental illness or an IQ so low that it borders on retardation . There is no other way around it. If you would trust the country to her, then it's a fucking miracle your brain remembers to tell your central nervous system to have you breathe.

Vanity Fair writer Joseph Gross finally has done what no one else in the media seems to have the balls to do, he went and followed the "North Star" around and talked to all the people who know her best and revealed what an unhinged, spoiled, narcissistic, dishonest, clueless and dangerous idiot this woman is. There's some great stuff in here that reveals who this heinous woman really is. Here's a boatload of the good shit from the article

"Her on-the-record statements about herself amount to a litany of untruths and half-truths. "

"Then Palin departs from the script and speaks as if from the heart, describing her fear and confusion upon discovering that Trig would be born with Down syndrome. “I had never really been around a baby with special needs,” she tells her listeners. For what it’s worth, this statement is untrue. Depicting the same moment of discovery in her own book, Palin writes that she immediately thought of a special-needs child she knew very well: her autistic nephew. Such falsehoods never damage Palin’s credibility with her admirers, because information and ideology are incidental to this relationship."

One friend of the Palins’ remembers an argument between Sarah and Todd: “They took all the canned goods out of the pantry, then proceeded to throw them at each other. By the time they got done, the stainless-steel fridge looked like it had got shot up with a shotgun...This friend adds, “As soon as she enters her property and the door closes, even the insects in that house cringe. She has a horrible temper, but she has gotten away with it because she is a pretty woman.”


"Palin’s former personal assistants all refused to comment on the record for this story, some citing a fear of reprisal. Others who have worked with Palin recall that, when she feels threatened, she does not hesitate to wield some version of a signature threat: “I have the power to ruin you.”

"Early in the 2008 campaign, when John McCain’s aides discovered that Alaska-size gaps existed in Palin’s general knowledge (among those previously unreported: she had no idea who Margaret Thatcher was)

"...But the real concern is with Palin herself—they don’t want her to find out they have talked with a reporter, because of a suspicion that bad things will happen to them if she does. The salty, seen-it-all bartender at one of the town’s best restaurants says, “I wish you luck—but I like my job.”

"I end up in the living room of Colleen Cottle... who served on the city council when Palin was mayor. She says she and her husband, Rodney, will pay a price for speaking candidly about Palin... “But it is time for people to start telling the truth,” Colleen says. She describes the frustrations of trying to do city business with a mayor who “had no attention span— who was unable to take part meaningfully in conversations about budgets because she “does not understand math or accounting—she only knows buzzwords, like ‘balanced budget’ ”; and who clocked out after four hours on most days, delegating her duties to an aide—“but he’ll never talk to you, because he has a state job and doesn’t want to lose it.” This type of conversation is repeated so often that Wasilla starts to feel like something from The Twilight Zone or a Shirley Jackson short story—a place populated entirely by abuse survivors.

“This whole hunter thing, for Sarah? That is the biggest fallacy,” says one longtime friend of the family. “That woman has never hunted. The picture of her with the caribou she says she shot? She got out of the R.V. to pose for a picture. She never helps with the fishing either. It’s all a joke.” The friend goes on to recall that when Greta Van Susteren came to the house to interview Palin “[Sarah] cooked moose chili and whatnot. Todd was calling everyone he knew the day before—‘Do you got any moose?’ Desperate.”

"Some details of the Palins’ private life, however, suggest a reality at odds with Sarah’s image...One person who has been a frequent houseguest of the Palins’ says that the couple began many mornings with screaming fights, a fusillade of curses: “ ‘Fuck you,’ ‘Fuck this,’ ‘You lazy piece of shit.’ ‘You’re fuckin’ lucky to have me,’ Sarah would always say.” (This person never saw Todd and Sarah sleep in the same bed, and recalls that Todd would often joke, “I don’t know how she ever gets pregnant.”)

"...There’s a general consensus in town that, at least since the start of the 2008 campaign, Todd has been shouldering the bulk of the parenting and that Sarah’s relationship with her children has grown more distant. The children did not, as Sarah has claimed, have a chance to weigh in on her decision to run for vice president. She did not even deliver the news to them personally; as has been reported, she asked McCain’s campaign manager, Steve Schmidt, to do it for her."

"...Despite railing at the press for invading her family’s privacy, Palin showed little ambivalence during the campaign about making some aspects of the childrens’ private lives public to serve her interests. Soon after her nomination, she brought up with McCain aides the subject of Bristol’s out-of-wedlock pregnancy by Levi Johnston: “Would it be good for the campaign if they got married before the election?” she asked, and went on to wonder whether one weekend or another would be more advantageous for media coverage..."

"Sometimes the children rebelled. A campaign aide remembers that one of the Palin children found her mother’s public displays of piety especially grating. Though Palin prayed and read the Bible every night, aides never saw the family join her for devotionals. “You’re just putting on a show. You’re so fake,” one of the children said when Palin made a point of praying in front of other people. “This is not who you are. Why are you pretending to be something you’re not?”

"...Those who once felt close to Palin have followed her public transformation with a confused range of emotions. The common denominator is sadness. “People who loved Sarah Palin are disappointed,” said one woman in Wasilla, “because they found out that Sarah Palin loves Sarah Palin most of all.”