WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE...

Recently I have started to get a lot of messages from people on Facebook. These messages are of the private sort and usually have something to do with people that both myself and the message sender are "friends" with. Usually the message starts something like this, "Hey, I just wanted to say, blah blah blah usually it opens with some sort of generally nice thing about how wonderful I am and then at the end there's a little caveat, oh, by the way, isn't Joe Schmo a fucking asshole?" These messages are generally from people I actually like and who seem to like me vs the few people that are on the list that are neither my true friend nor much of anything else to me but they asked to be friends with me and I said, "sure." Now my friends list is anything but extensive. I'm not a popular guy, I don't cultivate acquaintances or generally give off a warm and fuzzy, please friend me, vibe. I have a pretty small group of so-called friends and I still can't stand most of them. I guess I'm just a passive aggressive insincere douche. I talk smack about people behind their backs and mock almost everything they say, write, think or do. In other words, I'm a shitty friend and a jerkoff of a person, it just turns out that I have company because it seems to me that everyone else is too. What does bring me some solace about my own assholishness is that somehow through the pretty mundane and vanilla things I post on facebook a few desperate souls fed up with reading and seeing the stupidity of our fellow friends somehow knew that I would be an allie against the soulless, unoriginal, annoying, holier than thou, LOL-ing jerks that populate and broadcast themselves unimpeded throughout the friendosphere. You are not alone, I am there for you...always, like a mean high school chick. Now let's go trash our stupid, dickhead friends.

LET THE TEA PARTY WIN

I was out boozing recently and ran into a guy who works for the Democratic party in Connecticut, he's not the big dog but not a small fry either. We started up a conversation and had a few beers and talked politics. He kept saying that the Dems across the country could have done better against the tea party if they had only done, A B and C. I didn't disagree with him and I had my own ideas but after a while I started thinking about what my brother-in-law said before the last Presidential election. " Let the Republicans win let them actually try to fix their the problems instead of just pointing fingers and doing nothing which you know is all their gonna do if Obama wins." I told the guy, I hope these white trash retards win every fucking seat. After two years of Republicans doing absolutely nothing to help the country and two years of Fox news spinning more and more hatred and lies and disinformation I really think it's time to let the psycho/ neo fascist morons who call themselves the Tea Party or the GOP or Republicans or Conservatives or whatever name you give them, run things.

Let them impeach Obama for whatever imaginary crimes he has committed in their paranoid, racist minds. Let them repeal health care reform, let them lower taxes on the richest 2% and blow the deficit up more, let them do all the dumb, crazy shit they want. Let them nominate Sarah Palin for president, let her get elected, let them continue their completely nihilistic, brain dead, anti-science, anti-intellectual, anti-thinking agenda. Let them invade Iran, let them outlaw the free press, let them have their para military units threaten all dissent, let them create the theocracy they want, let them tear down everything that made this country great, give them 12 years to run things. Let them show every American exactly what they are and what they care about and after 12 years the country will grow so sick of their shit, so sick of their lies and their inability to do anything that the Republican party we see today, filled with ignorant, bible thumping, constitution waving idiots will cease to exist and no one will ever have to listen to these dumb cunts ever again.

The guy looked at me and said, "That's not exactly a winning strategy."

I said, "You have to take the long view. Sure you'll be a political prisoner, tortured and executed by president Palin but it will be worth it for the country in the end."

The guy said, "I'd rather just have a great anti tea party slogan right now."

I said, "I can do that, how about this, Tea parties are fun if you're a child, but in the end someone has to actually run things."

We came up with a few more and had a few laughs and a few more beers but left knowing that come election day there will be a lot more seriously stupid fuckholes on the republican side of the aisle running congress. Get ready for more craziness, the end is nigh.

HOLY CRAP! IT'S THE GIRL FROM GLEE AGAIN

I don't want to get all "porn Blog" on you but holy shit! This Glee girl is awesome. But here's a question? Why is she so slutty and needy? I'll tell you why, Because she works all day with gay theater dudes. They sing together, they dance together and they pretend to be hot for each other but at the end of the day when this poor little girl is all worked up craving the salam her co-star is out slurping on nutsacks. it's just plain wrong and kind of sad.

My sister, the same one who called the Velvet Factor, "A porn Blog" has been an actress for years. She does local community plays and different theater productions. For years she has been asking me to try out the acting thing and join one of the plays with her. After seeing all the sissies in the show Glee getting to hang out with girls of such obviously low moral character and extrapolating the fact that most actresses are needy whores, (except my sister of course) I have now decided to become an actor. I can no longer allow tramps like this girl to be left all alone in locker rooms with their legs spread all ready and unstaisfied because their male co-stars are out blowing random dudes at park and rides. Get ready world! Here comes Ted Velvet: Heterosexual Actor!

TED'S BEEN BUSY, OUT DOIN' STUFF. AND BTW, WHO WANTS A PEARL NECKLACE?

Splat!

Where to start? Hmm, let's see, lots of crap rolling around in ol' Ted's head. Last week while out enjoying some cocktails with the wife and friends and family, my sisters assaulted me for having nothing but a "porn blog." "I'm sick of reading about Kim Kardashian's ass on your blog, you're just taking the easiest road, write about something else." Point taken. I may become slightly myopic at times and fail to vary my topics but they always say, write what you know, and in my case that ain't too much, but the one thing I do know is that I like beautiful women with nice, big, tits and nice asses so that's what I write about. Call it my trapped, married, contained id screaming to be let loose to bone famous sluts. Or just call it a mid life crisis, if I had the money I'd buy a sports car I don't so I write this crap.

next:

My best friend from high school came up to beautiful Ct. for a visit this past weekend. There was lot's of drinking, chicken wing eating and carousing with odd women. It is amazing just how many freak shows hang out in bars and unleash their most God awful life agonies upon total strangers because they have a few drinks in them. Case in point; My friend and I were at a bar watching the Yankee game. I don't know how it got started but I began having a conversation with an exotic looking woman with an odd name. She looked Egyptian or Persian, she was pretty hot. She told me her name and we discussed her ethnicity and that led to Egyptian history. She was appreciative of my knowledge and soon after started unleashing the weird. It started off with her telling me that her husband wears a man purse so I told her she probably married a closeted gay. Without much ado she then starts to tell me about her catching him jerking off to tranny porn, which then moved onto her telling me about her first orgasm and that she can only reach orgasm when stroked manually through her jeans. She then goes on to tell me how she was raised in a foster home, sexually abused for years and had to give up her first child for adoption. She was getting too close to me and touching me a lot and kept wanting to dance with me. I was not into it because you know...I'm married and live in that town and don't like crazy people, so I said, "Sure thing, just let me go to the bathroom first," then I split out the door as quickly as I could. You can't feed the crazy puppies, they follow you home. Crazy chicks with gay husbands and awful pasts cannot be allowed near the inner sanctum.

So we split that scene go to another joint where these hot blond chicks were sitting boozing. They were all bleach blond, super tight jean, black, high heeled boot wearin', big racked, raspy voiced off duty bartender chicks. My friend and I noticed right away they were easy marks. We started shooting the shit, I helped one girl find her phone that had fallen out of her bag so she bought me a drink and we were chatting nicely enough about normal shit like wine and stupid kids names. Then she keeps getting up to go to the bathroom then her friend would go then she would get up again. These two ladies were tweeked out of their fucking gourds. They were banging down white wines like they were drinking water out of a shot glass and then running off to the girls room again. Their pupils were bouncing around in their heads and they soon stopped making any sense whatsoever. My friend and I kind of backed off because the just seemed too fucking nuts. Although my buddy did touch one of their necks and she almost jumped through the fucking ceiling. Soon after, another one of their friends came in, a cute, petite, sandy blond haired girl dressed in super tight, faux fur, faux leopard, house wives of new jersey clothes. She starts yammering away with me about her job selling and leasing power equipment. I ask her about renting an aerator and she asks for my phone number, without even thinking, because I'm drunk by this point, I give her my home phone number which she promptly starts calling at 1:00 am. I say, what ya doin? "I'm gonna leave you a message" I say, "What are you fucking nuts! My wife is gonna launch me up to the goddamn moon if she hears that! Just give me your card or work number or work web site address. she's like, "Here's my cell phone number, what's yours?" I say, "Bitch, I just want to rent an aerator what the fuck do you need my cell phone number for?" My friend says, "I'll give you my cell phone #" My friend and I leave that scene and head back to where the evening began with another off duty bartender chick hanging all over my friend. Then we walked home. The next day we watched football, ordered more chicken wings, took a ride to the winery near my house because that's where all the straight guys go together on a Saturday afternoon. But as I told my buddy, "You want to see a lot of drunk women in one place on a Saturday afternoon? Head to a winery." Boom! Within minutes we're chatting up two ladies. Too bad they were 50 years old. My friend leaves, I take a shower and soon headed out with the wife and kids to a friends house to do some more drinking. I need a fucking nap.

TED GOES TO BUFFALO TO WATCH SOME SPANKAGE

Picked a hell of a nice place to travel to go see the Jets Play. Buffalo NY in October, sounds pretty sweet doesn't it? Regardless of local, I had a swinging time. I watched the Jets on TV down in Miami the week before and definitely thought, "Hmmm, Miami might have been a better a call." When I left JFK on Saturday it was 75 degrees and sunny when I got up to Buffalo after a quick 52 minute flight, it was a windy, rainy, 40 degrees. But I seriously didn't give a shit. I was just glad to be on the road with some buddies drinking and bullshitting and getting psyched for some football. I was pleasantly surprised by pretty much everything. Usually when traveling things gets fucked up in one way or another but not this time. Fucking Clockwork. 3:40 flight from JFK on jet Blue. Drove down to New Haven to get my bro-in-law, the loinmaster at 12:00, got to JFK at 2:00, he was kind enough to do the drive.

Got to our gate at 2:30, There was a bar right at my gate, I don't mean across from or diagonal from or a stones throw from the gate but I mean right in front of the seats and the tunnel that takes you to your plane. Fucking Clutch. I banged down two quick Stellas, then my boy the Notorius B.I.L. sauntered in. He ordered a couple more then blam, time to get on plane. I had 4 or 5 beers in me so was feeling fine.

Struck up a conversation with a guy whose wife is from Buffalo so he gave us lowdown on strip clubs, bars, food etc. Watched three college games on the plane's tv, Had to pee a lot so had a few chances to chat up a stewardess sitting near the bathroom who wasn't working the flight just flying home to Buffalo. After the Plane landed I had to whiz again and started talking to her outside the bathroom. I go in, do my business, come out and everyone is off the plane already. I talk to her for another couple of minutes about...I shit you not, bras, I'm about to ask her, " Hey what ya doing tonight? " but then I think I might be stepping over some sort of line...ya know, being a married man and all.

Anyway, we get off plane, call hotel, three minutes van is there, at hotel ask for room upgrade, lady says there are no upgrades, Notorius B.I.L. pulls out a dollar, slides it onto the counter and says, "Maybe Mr. Washington can get an upgrade." Boom. Upgrade. Better room. We go to Hotel bar order some food, some beers all is well. In walks my brother, Professor Pork. We have a few more beers go to his car and unload a huge cooler jammed with beer. Go to my room watch some of Yankees/Boston game, drink many beers, go out to some brewery.

Ask three guys to take our picture, guy in Buffalo sabers hoodie says "fuck off", I ask his buddy in Dallas cowboys hat, he says "go fuck yourselves jets fans" Go up to the last guy in Brooklyn Dodgers hat, I say something like, " you've got a Boston hat on so I know what your answer is gonna be", he says, "No, it's a dodgers hat." So I say "Oh so it's no wonder why you hang out with these other two fucking douchebags." They laugh instead of kicking the shit out of me and take our picture. Then we all agree that it's Patriots and Miami fans that are the real douchebags of the world.

Stay up late drinking and talking eat beef jerky go to sleep around 2:00. Wake up hungover eat a whole roll of tumms. Go to breakfast, breakfast sucks. Need rain gear for B.I.L. and loinmaster. Look for a store find one on to game. Stadium right near where we stayed, parked in field, drank beers got wet and shivered. Game on, Jets dominate but only up by ten points at half. More beer, soaking wet and cold. Buffalo fans acting like dicks but nothing too bad. I come back from halftime go to seat. Buffalo fan sees my rain jacket that has the word "Montauk" written on it. He stand up and says, "Montauk? go back to New York!" I say, " I am in New York you fuckin asshole." His friends all yell, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!" They laugh at their friend and start asking me where I'm from and all the other niceties. I realize when I curse people out they like me. Second half, Jets romp, fans get unruly, then leave. Game over, we kicked ass. Go back to hotel. Brother leaves for home. We get dinner, some beers, watch Sunday night Giants game, Fall asleep like old men. Wake up, at airport in five minutes no one there, fly home through wind storm, felt like a coin in a coffee can being kicked down the street. Back in NY, back in car, back to Ct. We all decided if Jets play buffalo early enough next year before snowfall season, we are there. Buffalo is a nice little city quick in, quick out and cheap. Awesome trip, awesome times.

GLEEFULLY INSECURE AND HALF NAKED

Here's the butterface from glee, Lea Michele. I've never watched Glee but I surmise that it's kind of a Mickey Mouse club for gays. Now this girl has a nice body and supposedly has a good voice but she knows the deal, she's not a classical beauty and thus, no matter how talented, she's way insecure. "Glee has made me feel beautiful," she tells Marie Claire magazine. "Now when people say that, I don't feel like they're lying." Sure you don't. You know they're full of shit. I bet this girl has been manipulated a million times to do all kinds of crazy sex acts by guys using her insecurities against her. "What do you mean you won't wear the ball gag? That pretty blond with the normal nose I dated always wore one. Pretty girls are always into anal and water sports, they don't have hangups like you because they don't look like Tevya's understudy, they're so pretty and sexually free, not like you... not pretty and repressed. What? You'll do it? That's great." I wouldn't do that because I actually love girls with slightly big or hooked noses, it's kind of a weird turn on, so to me, the girl isn't beautiful but I'd still like to have my way with her...without the ball gag of course.