HUMOR, POLITICS, NEWS, SEX, BOOZE, MUSIC, MOVIES, SPORTS AND EXTEMPORANIA FROM THE AUTHOR OF "ROLL! THE MUSICAL!"

Friday, December 17, 2010

LYING DUMB BITCH HAS A DUMB BITCH SHOW FOR DUMB BITCHES

Sarah Palin - Empty vessel

Sarah Palin's Alaska: filled to the stinking brim with false folksyness and backwoods horse shit. Anyone who's seen this trainwreck of a vanity show knows one thing, this asshole doesn't know how to do any of the shit she constantly talks about knowing how to do. She's always been known to be a pathological liar and delusional sociopath and this show proves it. There was an episode last week where she goes hunting for caribou and misses the huge animal six times with a gun too small to kill the thing cleanly and then finally puts it down with a larger rifle and then acts as if she's Buffalo Bill. She has to have her father re-load her gun for her and when he tells her to take a larger rifle she keeps asking, "does it have a kick?" It's obvious from her misses and his reloading that she's never fired hr own rifle before in her life. Who goes hunting with a rifle they don't know how to operate? I guess she's too busy endorsing more unqualified republican lunatics and watching her slut daughter on dancing with the stars to go to the range with it at least once and figure it out. You also know she never fired her gun before because she misses six times and says, "the gun is off." Yeah, it's the gun, It couldn't be that she doesn't know what the fuck she's doing, it's gotta be the leftist, lame stream media gun that's out to get her. It's like when I fire basketballs at a hoop for ten minutes and only get two in, I always say, "man, that's one unforgiving rim." It couldn't be that I suck.

Now it's not that well known but Sarah and her hubby edit the show themselves. They have final edit. So the fact that you see post editing affects like images of the caribou through gun sites or through binoculars only leads me to conclude that maybe Sarah finally shot the thing herelf but it's more likely, her dad or the guide shot the thing and she took the credit. What would have been better would be if she hit the caribou with her little 22 and only wounded it and it slunked away in agonizing pain with a non lethal or slow lethal injury leaving a blood trail for wolves and bears to pick up so they could tear the wounded thing apart. Her dad said it on the show, "She's taking a varmint gun because she doesn't like guns that kick." Why would anyone who knows what they're doing take a "varmint" gun go hunt caribou? A fucking asshole would do that. A dumb bitch with a reality show pretending to be a mix between Annie Oakley and Ronald Reagan would do that. Only an empty headed, beauty pageant reject, sub- retard IQ with a clown car womb would do that. In the same episode she also swings a loaded rifle around with her finger on the trigger, too bad she didn't blow her dad's head off, that would have gotten good ratings.

This guy knows much more than I do about hunting read his review.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

WHAT BROUGHT TED BACK? SCARLETT JOHANSSON AND HER WONDERFUL TITS DUMP A-HOLE HUSBAND


I came back for Scarlett. She wanted me to write again to make her happy because she's sad. But not for long. I told you that shit wouldn't last! I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! I think I summed up Mr. Reynold's deficiencies right after they got married with these words from sept. 2008,


"I want to use her vagina as a pillow and wake up with vulva bed head. Can Ryan Reynolds offer her such romance? I highly doubt it, he's a fucking Canadian. He might rub her with a vibrating hockey puck but that's not romance. That's not love. No indeed, it isn't. I would love her so much, I would hand wash her underpants with my tears."

See? They were incompatible from the start. I wrote this of her marriage troubles in March 2009,

"She's been married now for what? Eight months and no baby in her tummy? Her obviously closeted homosexual husband Ryan Reynolds is clearly not all man. If I were her man she would be so filled with babies they'd be falling out of her ears, I'd knock her up so prodigiously she'd make octomom look like a California condor. There would be so many babies dropping from her she'd sound like a leaky faucet."

Exactly! I'm like Nostradamus except all of my predictions have to do with vaginas and giant tits. But this whole breakup was inevitable. Why would she want the tall, thin, attractive, movie star Ryan Reynolds when she can have the not so tall, not so thin, moderately attractive curse word writing Ted Velvet? Seriously, I'm a much better time than that movie star dick head. Hanging out with me is like hanging out with Jesus except I tell better jokes, drink and eat a lot more, do karaoke better and can work a ladies private parts like an X box controller. Scarlett and I are on the horny freight train collision of destiny. I am gonna stoke her fire set her ablaze and storm through her love tunnel with my chugging meat choo choo. I'm so happy I could shit.

CHELSEA HANDLER STILL ISN'T FUNNY AND STILL LOOKS LIKE NICK NOLTE'S MUG SHOT

I'm gonna cut to the chase. If you think Chelsea Handler is funny you are either a gay guy with multiple cocks in ass and mouth swimming in a sea of jizz or just your typical boring women with a crap sense of humor, no life and a boyfriend that would rather lube up the tube inside a roll of toilet paper and fuck that than put his dick anywhere near your unkempt, stretched out bubblegum-like, rancid, snatch. Oh wait, women who like Chelsea Handler don't have boyfriends or husbands because men like smart women, not dumb whores who laugh at this sweaty, pasty, manatee. Now my problem is not with Chelsea handlers looks, that would be sexist, my problem is that she's an unfunny, useless, sea hag and low end whore.

For comparison I will use Kathy Griffith. Now Kathy is not the most beautiful woman but she's pretty funny. She also appeals mostly to the same demographic as Chelsea, gay guys and house fraus but unlike Chelsea the hack, Kathy tells a good story and rips on celebs with cleverness, a quick wit and some good old, caustic bile. Calling Bristol Palin the white precious is fucking funny. In comparison, Chelsea calling Angelina Jolie a cunt, isn't funny, even if Angelina Jolie is one. If you can't think of better insults for Angelina Jolie then you suck. Chelsea Handle is not a good comedian, she's just a slimy, cream cheese colored, walking, talking soiled prophylactic. Chelsea thinks that delivering her bad jokes in a dead pan, snarky bitch monotone will somehow make them good jokes. It doesn't, her jokes are lame, she's not funny.

What she does have going for her is an overused vagina that she whored out in order to get famous. Now that's not just hyperbolic bullshit. Before Chelsea somehow got famous she sent out a demo tape of her shit stand up to club owners that included a snippet of a sex tape of her boyfriend pounding her chlamydia filled jam hole. If she couldn't wow them with her shit comedy she'd at least let them see her only good attributes, her tits and ass, which would lead club owners to believe she was a slut for money which would lead them to bring her in for some casting couch action which got her gigs. The rest is bad comedy history.

In summation, Chesea Handler not funny, her fans, gay guys drunk on cum and dip shit ugly women who men hate and won't fuck, Thank you.

TED'S NOT DEAD, JUST LAZY



I'm back bitches. Not to sound bipolar but I really wasn't feeling this whole, doing stuff thing. But now I'm back to fuck things up proper. I took a month off or so to re-agitate myself, get the juices flowing, gird my loins and re-acquaint myself with my inner opinionated prick self. All this time away from the Factor has served me well in my attempt to say fuck the old nice, calm and well thought out Ted, goodbye to that staid, boring old bastard. I feel I truly haven't reached my assholish ceiling. With that in mind I rededicate myself to being a huge cock and I promise to ratchet up my own style of obnoxious dickery in order to reach new soring heights of profound douche-ness. Sorry if I frightened those of you who still love me so. I would never leave without a true goodbye. I will not go gentle into that good night without kissing my own ass first and saying fare thee well in a proper fashion. Now to begin.

Now I like nothing more than a fight, especially a fight where I can't get punched, that's why I like the internets. On this here tube thing I can write nasty words about people I don't know and be attacked for doing so by nameless, faceless, people who have terrible opinions, stupid beliefs and nothing coherent to say. With that in mind, a year ago I wrote about Chelsea Handler being an unfunny, greasy bitch that only gay men and dumb women find remotely amusing. so I think I'll take that whore on again because people keep defending her. Not many people but some bitches have written me and attacked me for my anti Chandler views, my next post will take these brainless, cum swilling, slut, idiots on. It's nice to be back.