FUCK THE JETS

I'm so fucking disgusted by this so-called team I've pointlessly rooted for since I was 12 that I've officially quit giving a shit about them. They are dead to me. I will not watch a single game of theirs again. Fool me once shame on you, fool me 32 times, I'm a fucking dumb cunt. Not anymore. I piss on these assholes. I piss on their poor tackling, I piss on the coach that didn't have them properly motivated for a huge game. I piss on the offensive coordinator who wasted the entire 4th quarter and couldn't score from the 2 yard line. I piss on the defense, I piss on the years of failures heaped upon failures. I piss on them for being the 6th seed and getting no playoff games at home. I am now officially out of piss. I have no faith that anyone wearing the green and white will ever do what they are supposed to do which is win it all. If you're a professional team, and I use that term lightly, and you always lose the big game then why the fuck am I watching? Rex Ryan should stop kissing his players asses and try getting them ready to play every team, not just the one's that are "personal." I'm sick from this loss which pisses me off further because it's so stupid and pointless to care so much a bout a team that has given me nothing but misery since I've watched them. They have finally put the stake in the heart of my optimism. I bury these perennial, also ran, cocksuckers. I disavow and disown them. They are dead to me.

JETS STEELERS GAME, "CAN'T WAIT!"

I've spent a lot of the last week shoveling ice and snow but mostly I've been watching the pundits on the NFL network have a collective circle jerk while discussing how awesome the Pittsburgh Steelers are. Now I understand the respect they get payed, Their rapist quarterback is one tough motherfucker who when he isn't sexually assaulting young women in bathrooms with the assistance of off duty cops, he's been winning Superbowls...two of them to be exact. The Pittsburgh Steelers are a tough team, their quarterback is tough, their linebackers are tough and their crazy haired, kick ass safety Troy Polamolu is wayyy tough.

Big Ben can get away from trouble and make big plays with his arm and his feet, their running back Rashard Mendenhall rushed for over 1200 yards while the defense only gave up an average of 60 yards on the ground all season. They are a good team and they are playing at home so therefore they will beat the Jets right? Well maybe but probably wrong. And I'll tell you why.

The last time the Jets and Steelers met Troy Polamulu didn't play and the Jets ran for 106 yards. Not great, but enough to keep the jets on the field and Big Ben off. It also set up play action passes and toward the fourth quarter the Jets were winning and starting to dominate on the line of scrimmage. I know Troy is one of the best players in the league but he hasn't practiced all week due to a bad Achilles tendon. Try tackling a big running back or a big tight end 20 to 30 times when your Achilles is fucked up, the guy might be a menace but in last weeks Steelers Ravens game Ray Rice juked him out of his curly locks for a touchdown. He doesn't look the same when he's not healthy. Troy is a badass but he's not perfect. Run over his way a few times and get his shit barking. Show him you're not afraid. Make him cover Dustin Keller see who wins those battles in the 3rd and 4th quarter. Even if you lose yards don't avoid the guy, crush him.

Another problem for the Steelers, their offensive line is banged up. The Jets defensive coaches seem to finally have figured out the right way to use this defense. They confused the shit out of Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. They made Brady have to look away from his 1st read and they took advantage with the extra time to sack him 5 times. Now Brady isn't as mobile as Roethlisberger but his offensive line is much better. If the Jets got Brady 5 times they can pressure Ben and his hurting O line much more. Also, I don't know how smart Ben is but he's no Manning. And they confused and bewildered probably the best reader of defenses in the game. Ben might take a hit better than Manning and he scrambles better and he's harder to take down but he also fumbles...a lot. He doesn't take care of the ball well and if the Jets can pressure him enough he will cough it up either by being careless and fumbling or just chucking it down field. With the Jets playing so many nickel and dime packages I see the chance for some picks.

The Steelers only beat one winning team all year, the Ravens. The Jets didn't crush winning teams either, they Beat the Steelers, the Patriots and the Colts but lost to the Ravens, the Packers and the Bears but all were close games. The Steelers always beat the Ravens and if you watched last weeks game, you might have noticed that the Ravens pretty much beat themselves. They don't take care of the ball, they pissed away a big lead and they dropped easy catches, one of them for a touchdown. All the same football pundits who love the Steelers and don't give the Jets much of a chance, also love the Ravens big Quarterback Joe Flacco. They seem to forget that he's not so great on the road and he isn't too clutch. He might have more physical skill and be a more prototypical quarterback, but Mark Sanchez has proved that he's pretty good in a big spot on the road.

This game will be a slugfest but a slugfest is sometimes won by the team with more on the line. After four decades of futility, the Jets are simply more hungry for the win. I also believe they are more loaded offensively than the Steelers are. I think the Jets will make enough big plays on offense, defense and special teams. If they hold onto the ball and don't have any huge mistakes they will do enough to shock all the so-called experts, pull out a huge road win and put themselves into the Superbowl for the 1st time in 42 years. I pray to God that I'm right. Jets 28-Steelers 24. On Monday I hope to be planning for a trip to Dallas. J-E-T-S JETS! JETS! JETS!

...And the Home of the...JETS! Prove me right boys.

JOHN STEWART TELLS THE PATS WHAT TO DO

FUCK YES!!!

I ate that sweet revenge meal with gusto. The Jets fucked those Chowder sucking fucks right up their douche asses and then pissed on their field and marked it as their own. Brady corner is now Santonio Holmes corner. The coach that left them with a note on a napkin...dead. The Quarterback that taunted them...dead. The consecutive pass record with no interceptions...dead. The 30 plus points in how many games in a row...dead. The 14-2, 2010 Patriots...DEAD. Burn in hell fuckheads. I worried and fretted and cursed throughout this game but in reality the jets booted these bitches around like a pimp smacks down a crack whore and beat them from pillar to post. The jets should have won by 21. If David Harris could run faster than a 300 pound Alge Crumpler the Jets would have run away with this game.

I called this one for the Jets 27-24 so I was close. The jets didn't blitz as much as I thought they would but they sacked Brady 5 times and had him shitting in his Broadway musical, wine and cheese party designer jeans. His eyes were spinning and he was feeling footsteps like a pretty boy pussy. He's a great quarterback but rattle him a bit and he folds like gay laundry.

And I don't want to hear about Joe Flacco or Matty ice from Atlanta anymore fucking frauds, Mark Sanchez might drive me to drink sometimes and is innacurate as hell at times but he has come up big on the road in very difficult spots. He's impressed me so far and if the Jets can somehow beat Pittsburgh for the 2nd time on the road this year then Mark Sanchez gets put up in the ranks with the big boys and will have more than earned it.

My favorite part of the game was Shonn Green doing the rockabye baby after scoring a touchdown to put the jets up 28-14. He told those wicked cock licking asshole douchebag front running spoiled brat fans in Massachusetts that it was bedtime for the Pats. Nighty night assholes. This win was so fucking sweet, so beautiful, so unlike the Jets of old, to win this game was truly wonderful. Total catharsis, all Jets fans collective Patriot, Bill Belichick Tom Brady demons slain forever. There's a new bully on the AFC east block and he wears the Green and white and he hails from New York. He will talk shit and then make you eat it. It's Tyrannosaurus Rex and the fucking Jets. Suck it new England. If Rex Ryan gets the Jets to a Super bowl and pulls out a win then he is the greatest coach to ever live. Lets get this shit done!

Watch Green put the Pats to bed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yamAnuH9I0k&feature=player_embedded

KIM KARDASHIAN: POSTER GIRL FOR " I WILL NEVER EVER GET ENOUGH ATTENTION DISEASE"

If having a reality show and a porn tape aren't enough Kim continues to tweet pictures of herself exposing her massive and beautiful breasts. Very nice now go away and release a 2nd porno because seriously, that's the only interesting thing you did. Now go. Go find some dicks to suck and someone to tape it, maybe your pimp mom, ok go... that's a good girl. Bye Bye. Next time i see you I want you to be getting dp'd.

WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE FOR A PASS RUSHING WOOKIE

Jets Pats this Sunday and I wants me some revenge! They were actually going to name Return of the Jedi, Revenge of the Jedi but then George Lucas kind of remembered that Jedi's don't give into dark thoughts like revenge. That would be like giving in to the dark side. Well I ain't no fucking Jedi and I wear my dark side on my sleeve. I want me some of that sweet, Tom Brady with a broken leg on the 1st play revenge. Actually I'll take my revenge cold style. Just kick the shit out of Tom the whole game until he walks of the field at the end at the losing end of a playoff game. Now I don't think the jets have much of a chance to beat the Pats, I think they're just too good offensively but shit, it's a game, anything can and will happen. Who thought the Seahawks would beat the Saints?

So what are the keys to the game? The Jets have to score more than the Patriots do so they should really try to do that while limiting the amount of points the Pats score. There you go I broke it down like a pro.

Realistically the Jets have to do two things.

1) play well on offense. Run and run well. Make gigantic fat man Vince Wolfork run side to side wear that 400 blob of shit down. don't make it easy on him running right up the gut, a little off tackle left a little off tackle right a little pass a little off tackle right a pass a run on the outside a pass a run off to the left side. Just hammer the fuck out of their line and wear them down. Make the young Patriots safety's and cornerbacks commit to run stopping and whack those little bitches in the mouth too. Make them so tired of getting hit that by the 4th quarter they just say, enough man. And while they keep coming up to run stop do a little play action and flop a few passes over their heads. Wear them the fuck out. But for this to work the jets have to pick up 2) 1st downs, keep the chains moving and keep the score within reach. get enough yards on 1st and 2nd downs so that 3rd down is makable. That's the best way of keeping Brady off the goddamn field.

Now to stop the Brady offensive? Good fucking luck, they are loaded. The main things the Jets have to do is confuse Brady just enough that his reads aren't so fast and he misses some passes and it takes that extra second or two to get rid of the ball and maybe he takes a few more hits than he would like to. The Jets have to blitz him, not so much to get sacks but to keep him guessing where it's coming from and to make the Pats have to keep their running backs and 1 tight end in to defend against the blitz. If the Pats have to max protect on every passing down, they won't have guys roaming free all over the place, then it becomes more of a 3 on 3 type battle with the jets two corners on the pats wide receivers and a safety on the other tight end. Now the pats will just try to run the ball and call quick slants to get the ball off. And that's what will happen so the jets have to cover well and get off blocks and tackle well. Easy as pie.

I say the pats are taking this game kind of lightly and they are believing their own hype. The jets were humiliated 45-3 last time and that will be fresh in their heads, they will come out ready to kill the Pats. I'm calling a miracle Jets win on this one. The jets will pull it out in the fourth quarter 27-24.

SORRY ASSHOLES, THIS IS TOTALLY NORMAL BECAUSE I'M GAY

Stephanie Seymour's son cleared the air the other day by explaining that making out with your mom, feeling her tits and having her fix your Johnson is perfectly acceptable if your gay, which he is....................................................................big time.

"I would just like to say that these pictures have been taken completely out of context, my mother and i are very close as she is with all her children. she often hugs and kisses me and my siblings in an manner that is intimate, any mother in the world does the same. that day on the beach we walked around with each other completely aware of the presence of photographers there. We have nothing to hide and with that in mind I would like to say that I am openly gay. At my age my mother and I are almost like friends and I feel open to talk to her about anything (and yes our relationship may be different because of my sexuality)."

See that explains it. But being somewhat of a Freudian, I do believe that some homosexuality can come forward more from nurture than nature and when I see a 17 year old acting like he wants to marry his mommy I see some weirdness going on. Freud believed that we were all born bisexual and that relationships then determined which way we swung. He did not perceive being gay as a neurosis or as a mental disorder he just viewed it as a result of certain stimuli. An arrested development that led to an overly close relationship with mommy. He believed that one of the contributing factors of homosexuality was an overly involved, over bearing mothers. My mom left me alone and payed scant attention to me that's why I'm a loudmouth and love pussy. This kid makes out with his mom and chugs kegs of cock. I don't know. I just wanna bang this gay kids mom before he puts his gay dick in her.

OLIVIA MUNN'S SNAPPER BARELY COVERED BY DOILY

I am so pro on the almost showing your vagina question it isn't even funny. I hope this raging debate will continue and Olivia Munn's obvious comfort with showing most of her Munn is truly inspiring. It's almost as if she's admitting that yes, I am an actress or in other words, a total whore. I would take those panties, use them as a strainer for a hearty broth and then fuck the shit out of that sweet pussy soup. Is that weird? Dirty? Who cares...not Olivia. She knows what she's selling you can see it in her, "I'm showing my beautiful bald snapper on the cover of a magazine," shit eating grin. What a woman. What a pair of panties. That's a good cover.

In other Maxim related news, I gotta check out the article about the 57 best beers that will solve all my problems. I hope there's an Olivia Munn boiled panties ale cause I'd drink the shit out of that beer.

DON'T BLAME SARAH...THIS TIME

Just because Sarah Palin puts a cross hair over your district and constantly speaks in violent metaphor, "don't retreat, reload!" and you run against a man who uses images of himself holding an M-16 for political gain and encourages his tea party activist buddies to bring their guns to politcal rallies, Last summer, Ms. Giffords’s Republican opponent, Jesse Kelly, had a campaign event in which voters were invited to “shoot a fully automatic M-16” with him to symbolize his assault on her campaign." Just because you want your minions to symbolically shoot her doesn't mean they are to blame for the actual shooting of Congresswoman Giffords. It just means that they lucked out that this particular violent freak that shot the congresswoman and killed six others was just as likely shooting her to satisfy his belief in the government taking over our minds through grammar as he was to please right wing idiots like Beck and Palin.

I do not blame Sarah Palin for this, I wish I could because she's a fucking idiot that is careless with her words. She's a demagogue with an inability to foresee that something like this could happen and then even though she might have nothing to do with it, be blamed anyway. People have been cautioning her since the McCain campaign to calm down her vitriolic rhetoric. The secret service claimed that after she started saying Obama palled around with terrorists death threats from right wing, white supremacist groups spiked dramatically. Bill Clinton said it best a few months ago, "Their words fall on the stable and the unstable alike." Soon after the shootings on saturday Palin's people were scrubbing her site of the target map. Talk about a guilty conscience. Oops, maybe those crosshairs weren"t the greatest idea. Get rid of them, no one will remember. Then when asked about the map, her on-line guru said it wasn't gun targets on the map they were surveyor cross hairs like you see on lots of maps. ? Now of course there is video of Palin saying they've put these targeted districts in their sites, in their cross hairs and they're gonna take aim and all the other dumb shit she says. The whole idea behind blaming Sarah Palin and others of her ilk, the raging conspiracy theorist assholes like Beck, the birther idiots, the Sharon Angle Michele Bachmann candidates that call for 2nd amendment remedies to a health care law is because when you have a public microphone you have to be careful and these people aren't they are dangerous and speak to the less than nimble minded in our gun happy society. Sooner or later someone was gonna try to rid us of this oppression and take out our tyrannical leader or one of his commie, socialist, facist, evil, congressional minions. Unfiltered Crazy and stupid words from stupid people blasted across the airwaves and the internet and the GOP and Fox news stoked this idiocy and buffeted and promoted the Tea Party that traffics in all this garbage. Six people are dead 20 wounded and there's a good chance the twisted bitch that did it wasn't a tea partier, or a Palinite or a Glenn Beck devotee. Not this time anyway.

WOW! JETS BEAT COLTS...TED GETS DRUNK!

Had fun watching the jets not fuck up. Sanchez blew and couldn't hit the side of a barn but the jets running game did what I wanted, they pounded the ball right up the gut and kept Peyton sitting on his ass. The secondary only got torched for 1 touchdown and the safeties played very well especially against the run. It was interesting to see how the Jets enticed Manning to run and not pass by only leaving 5 men in the box and they still managed to stuff the run when they needed to. Darelle Revis only gave up 1 catch for 1 yard. Wasn't too happy about the defense letting the Colts march down the field to score the go ahead field goal with a minute left. Good defenses don't allow that shit to happen.

I drove down to long island in a snow squall and met with a gal pal at one of my old watering holes. Then we went over to one of my old bartender companions houses and watched the game with about ten guys. I of course was acting like a crazy person wishing eye rape against people but in the end all my screaming and offensive language worked. Now all the jets have to do is beat the ridiculously good Patriots on the road. The patriots offense is the best I've seen since the 1980's 49er teams. It's basically impossible to stop but the Packers, Ravens and the Colts almost beat them so the Jets need to study those games to see what those teams did right. The jets should do pretty much what they did last night, run, run, run and more run and then when there's 9 guys in box on every play dink and dunk your way down the field and score touchdowns. Kill the clock and keep that Brady freak off the goddamn field. On defense, play more nickel and dime packages, bend but don't break. Blitz less frequently but make them count and if you get a chance to hit Brady hit him like he just smacked your mom, hit him so hard that he can't get up. I can only cross my fingers. Again i say the jets will lose 28-21 I hope I'm wrong, beating the patriots would be so awesome, I'd jizz in my pants.

SUPER MODEL STEPHANIE SEYMOUR IS STILL CRAZY HOT AND PROBABLY FUCKING HER KID

The strange, crazy, feelings that boy must have. My mom never looked like that, nor did she fix my trunks for me when I was 17 nor did she actually go swimming with me when I was 17 and I definitely did not sprout wood around her. I never ever touch her wet, post swimming, breasts either, even when I was a baby my mother had a strict no touching the goods policy, she was old school Irish Catholic, breast feeding was a mortal sin. Not to be overly Oedipal but if she was my mom I'd definitely have to poke around my old pre-natal stomping grounds, I'm not saying I'd have sex with her because that's kind of sick but maybe a mother son fingerbang or a little game of "just the tip". I'd give her a nice mother son message and then just kind of reach under the rug and give the old double knuckle sandwich. See how she reacts then just take it from there.

I recently took the family into manhattan to go ice skating in central park and my two girl friends said, "oh did you see Stephanie Seymour out there with her son?" I said, "Was she wearing one of those stupid open hearts necklaces?" They said, "That's Jane Seymour, Dr. Quinn medicine woman, you idiot, Stephanie Seymour, the super model is out there." I dropped my kid and ran to find her but she was no longer around. I missed my one chance to watch her have sex with her son. I guess I'll just wait for the home video to be leaked. Damn she's still crazy hot. That's one lucky kid.

OH NO! JETS AND COLTS...AGAIN!

The fucking Tennessee Titans fucked me good. The Colts had fumbled with under two minutes left in the last game of the year. The Titans just need to pick up 15 yards and kick a field goal end the game and the jets would be traveling to Kansas city this weekend. Instead, the Titans fucking asshole, washed up, jerkoff, quarterback Kerry Collins, fumbles a snap and loses the ball. Peyton Manning marches right down the field, Colts kick a field goal, game over, Jets have to head to Indy.

Now thanks to Kerry Collins I have to watch my shitty, porous, pass defense try to stop the greatest quarterback of the last 20 years. The Jets will get shredded as they always do by anyone with a good arm. It's amazing to me, The Jets have a shutdown corner in Darelle Revis, he always blankets the oppositions best receiver yet the rest of the Jets pass defense always gets torched. Over the middle for 15 yards to tight ends, 10 yard check downs to uncovered running backs, slot receivers run amok. Third and long? Don't worry, someone will be open right at the first down marker. The Jets blitzes never get there. The jets have no pass rush, their linebackers can't cover anyone, their nickel backs blow, their safeties suck and Antonio Cromartie, who has picked Manning a bunch, is inconsistent. The Jets are the only team I see that never seem to recognize a screen pass. When the quarterback is wide open to be hit, that's a pretty sure sign that it's a screen pass. The jets never seem to recognize this and get killed on screen passes. The Colts also do one yard hitch passes that go for 25 yeards. A receiver steps out a yard, Peyton zips the ball to him, he makes a linebacker miss and he's gone. Rex Ryan's defenses have never beaten Peyton Manning. It's a fucking disgrace. Peyton Vs. the Jets, it's a recipe for fucking disaster.

The only way the jets win this game is Turnovers, Special teams, time management and points. They can't settle for field goals when they're inside the 20, they must score touchdowns. Sanchez has to be accurate and smart and Shonn Green has to run like a downhill freight train. Kill the clock, wear down the Colts D, score points. The Jets D has to get off the field when it's third and long. No more of this giving up a 1st down when it was 3rd and 24. If I see that shit, I'll kick the fucking TV in. My prediction, Colts 31, Jets 27. I hope I'm wrong. Let's go Jets!

I will be traveling to Long Island to watch and be miserable with fellow Jets Fans plus my wife hates when I watch the jets because all I do is curse and wish cancer and plane crashes on everyone. I'm a bad example for my sons so lately I've been banished.

EVERYTHING I LIKE IN THE WORLD IN ONE OLD BAR

I mentioned the other day that last Thursday I had a couple of beers in New York's Oldest continuously opened bar, McSorley's. It was so wonderful I never wanted to leave. Seriously. I could have sat there for hour after hour, drinking the house beer and eating corned beef sandwiches and it would have been like heaven. When I got there the other day it was perfect. It was around 3:30 in the afternoon, it was a little cold outside and the city had been crowded with holiday season tourists but there weren't many people hanging around outside the bar, that was a very good sign. When I opened the old doors and saw that the bar wasn't crowded I was quite joyous. The old bar had the bright winter sun pouring in on it's ancient sawdust covered wood floors and there was even an empty table right near the old wood stove. I must be dreaming I thought. I went up to the bar without the usual 4 deep jog jam and ordered 4 dark beers from the wise ass bartender. We sat down and I pointed out the points of interest to my wife's cousin, a no good bar having resident of cape cod. We sat for only a few minutes drinking our delicious small draft beers while we warmed up by the fire. It would have been great to stay and stay and stay but my companion isn't a big beer drinker and was starving for Italian food. Those two things don't work so well in Mcsorleys. So although I was in my glory, I had to be a good NYC tour guide and leave. The bar did have an effect on my guest though and after eating our italian food a few blocks away she wanted to go back. We walked back up 7th street and although we'd only been gone about 40 minutes a full line of 25 people stood out on the street waiting to get in. We had missed out window and I was sad.

A few days later I was talking to a friend of mine and I told him, "The next time I go into Manhattan, I'm going to McSorley's around 10:30 or 11:00 am grabbing a table and drinking for the next 12 hours. He said, "I'm coming with you." That's good, I'll need someone to watch the table when I get up to whiz. All others are welcome to join me.

WHEN DOUCHEBAGS GO ASIAN

I came across this blog http://hanzismatter.blogspot.com/ where people send in pictures of their friends, family members or their own Hanzi tattoos and find out what the symbols really mean. Turns out most of the pretentious douchebags who got Chinese or Japanese letters embedded into their skin for life have a load of rubbish printed on their idiot selves. It's not actually surprising that these tattoos are mostly meaningless because I'm not a retard who would get the word, "strong" or "beautiful" printed on myself in a foreign language to hide the fact that I'm a raging narcissistic idiot with a need to scribble love notes to myself on my flesh. Think about the bizarre, dipshit brained, train of thought that brings a simplistic asshole to get a Hanzi tat.

I want something embedded in my skin for life, I am an asshole, I think I'm deep but clearly I'm very stupid, Asians seem to know mystical type of things and their writing is cool, I am strong, I want to write that I am strong on my body, I don't want everybody to know that I think I am strong, I will disguise my own belief of my strength with a foreign language but when anyone asks what the symbol means I will tell them it means "strong" because I think I am strong. I get a symbol scorched under my skin, they tell me it means, "strong" it really means, "rice" I am a fucking idiot with "rice" printed on my skin until the day I day. I should have died in my crib. I am a fucking useless asshole.

I used to work with a hot piece of ass with a big hanzi tat on her neck, I asked her what she believed it meant. She said, It means "beauty" I said, "Well don't we think highly of ourselves, Why don't you just write beauty on your skin and let everyone know what an egomaniac you are." She said, "I should have, because for all I know says this tattoo says, " I like it in the ass." I laughed and said, "that's funny because that's exactly what I have printed on my neck." We had sex. Even with the stupid tat She was pretty cool.

ADIEU TO 2010 AND THE HOLIDAYS AND THE O'S

Ahh what a fine holiday season it was and a decent year, not great, not bad, just so, so. I ushered in the new year like an old man, I watched New years Rocking eve with the wife, watched Dick Clark say glrb flugarb walglrb, saw the ball drop, gave the wife a kiss and changed the channel to HBO. I don't like new years that much. I haven't been invited to a good new years party since the millenium and I don't really care. Two years ago I half invited a neighbor over who showed up and drove me nuts. I got crazy drunk and he got me so whacked out on his chronic'd out super weed that I thought I was gonna die. I prefer to do my drinking on Christmas, I like a good Christmas drinking spree, new years is kind of depressing.

I had a gig with my band 2 days before Christmas and it was pretty awesome even though I couldn't sing. I have a tendency to get terrible bouts of bronchitis in the winter. I got the bronchitis around thanksgiving and went to the doctor who gave me antibiotics and steroids to clear out my lungs. It was working well but then I went out boozing and did Karaoke at a Korean joint in NYC till 3:am and surprise, surprise, my bronchitis came back with a vengeance. Leading up to the gig I had band practice and couldn't sing and began a strict regimen of tea drinking and soup swilling in order to fix my throat that was hoarse beyond belief. None of these things worked, I showed up at the gig with the hope that I could just push my way through 3 hours of singing with glasses of water and maybe a few beers. After the 3rd or 4th song I came to the realization that my voice was pretty much shot so I might as well get to drinking. After the 1st set, a health food store owner gave me a bottle of some sort of dirty, jungle root juice to swallow to coat my throat. I asked him if there were roofies in it and if he planned on date raping my ass. He assured me he was not and so with my instrument needing help and for my art I swilled a bottle of the shitiest, most foul tasting, taint elixir to ever pass my lips. I coughed and wretched and guzzled a beer to remove the rot from my mouth but to no avail. I thanked the man for whatever piss he had induced me to swallow and then told him to go away before he was no longer capable. The stuff actually worked for a little while but by the end of the gig, Ted's voice was officially awol. I drank some more, flirted with the waitresses and drunk audience members and went hope at 2:00am in order to wake up at 7:00 to bring my kids teachers their Christmas presents.

Christmas eve: Spent the day alone. Usually I would go to the In-laws in Mass. for Christmas eve but with my illness and cough it was deemed unsafe. I did my food shopping for Christmas dinner and made my way to the local watering hole where I bought 15 dollar Belgian ales. Ridiculous price, ridiculously good.

While at the bar I asked the man sitting next to me who kept ordering some sort of pink martini what he was drinking he said, "A cosmo."

I said, "Which one are you, Samantha or Carrie?"

He said," I'm secure in my masculinity."

I said, " I bet you have the most masculine vagina in the whole bar."

It was beautiful being alone for a good part of Christmas eve but as the sun went down and my wife and children were away I did miss the whole family thing. I got over it though.

Christmas: My kids wouldn't fall asleep and I couldn't sneak all their presents down stairs. My kids bedroom is right next to mine and the Toys R Us bags that all their toys were in are louder than a fucking Billy Mays commercial. I ended up setting my alarm to 3:00am to get the presents out of the eve's in my room take them out of their noisemaker crinkly bags, stack them up and cover them with a blanket in order to bring them down. It went off without a hitch. The kids were amazed. Somehow, Santa got in the house again.

Christmas: opened stuff, started drinking mimosas at 7:00am nice day, cooked a turkey, a ham and some other crap, siblings came over, merriment was had, read a book, fell asleep by the fire.

Day after christmas: Jets lose to Bears ruin my weekend they make the playoffs anyway. Snowstorm hits. My sister cancels her party I drink at home. Strange girl found sitting on my front lawn. I go outside in the middle of blizzard. "Hey, can i help you?" I say to girl.

"I'm waiting for my friends to go sledding."

"Are you fucking nuts?" I say, as frozen wind drives a foot snow on top of girl.

"Come in my house and wait for your friends in there." I say.

"No thanks." She says.

"OK then." I say leaving her on my lawn in a foot of snow as more comes down.

20 minutes later I ask my son to see if she is still sitting there.

"Yup" he says

I go to the door. "Get in here!" I shout.

"OK!" she says, no hesitiation. She done. She runs into my house.

She disrobes by the door, she's attractive. what grade are you in?" I say thinking she's about 16 years old.

"I'm a freshman at the university of Vermont."

"Ohhhh" I say, as Porno music starts in Ted's head. She's cold and wet, I offer her my fire and hot cocoa. Her stupid friends actually show up to go sledding. She leaves. I drink alone.

Next day: shovel snow for 2 fucking hours. Wife keeps asking son to make sure I haven't stroked out.

Thursday: Take wifes cousin into NYC to go to the metropolitan museum of art. She's impressed with my immense encyclopedic knowledge of bullshit. We walk through central park see kids sledding. We go down town to McSorely's warm up by the old stove, have a couple of beers. Go to an Italian joint, go to another bar. Go home. Good times.

Happy new year.