THE VELVET FACTOR

STEVE MCNAIR: I'M SURE PLENTY OF WOMEN ARE HAPPY AND PLENTY OF MEN ARE THINKING TWICE

2009-07-11T02:20:00.005-04:00

I usually don't celebrate when people die and I didn't when I heard about Steve McNair being murdered but let's face it, the guy fucked up, he latched onto a psycho bitch, promised her a bunch of shit and paid the price. He had it coming. Now, I don't think he deserved to die for cheating on his wife but he was stupid and careless and brought the devil female wrath down upon his head. Now all the women can applaud. Now they think men will think twice before pounding some strange. They're right, men should always think twice we just never do. We love the poon. Steve Mcnair loved the poon and didn't think twice now you can use his head for a mailbox.

I just don't get his idiocy. He was a star in college and in the NFL, he had to have learned a better sense of women. He must have shagged and dumped a million of them. He must have seen plenty of tantrums and fits from his ladies over the years. How the hell did he not see this shit coming? He had to have seen a boatload of crazy shit coming from the stupid whore he was shacking up with before she blew his brains out while he laid sleeping. The fact that he was still stupid enough to bed down with the crazy tramp earns him a place in the hall of fame of stupid guys looking to get fucked up by psychotic women while sleeping. His plaque will be right next to John Wayne Bobbit's, Phil Hartman's and the burning bed, wife beating dude. You'd figure he tagged truckloads of ass in his day so why was he promising some dumb chick that he was gonna leave his wife? Why was he giving her Escalades and other expensive crap? He could have banged a thousand sluts for nothing but he made the ultimate mistake that no rich pussy hound can make. He grew attached, he fell in love. He was weak and now he's dead.

The first thing all smart males learn once they begin interacting with the opposite sex is that women are unpredictable, overly emotional, unstable, obsessive, devious and like to plan and ruminate and think... Like paranoid Hitler's in bunkers. Why do women drive like shit? Simple; because they're not watching the road, they're planning, plotting, thinking about everything but the road. They're going over and over a conversation they just had with a friend, looking for the hidden insults and double meanings. None found? They move onto their next pawn to manipulate. "
"Hmm, how can I get my husband to do the laundry more often?" Can't figure it out? When all else fails, Apply guilt

The best a man can ever hope to do is find a cool girl that's just a smidge less crazy then all of her insane sisters.

Because women grow up and begin bleeding on cue like tamponic metronomes they think that if the world isn't in some sort of predictable cycle, or rhythm then it's out of order. Almost every woman I know obsesses about the weather. They can't change it or control it so it drives them nuts. Steve McNair's crazy murdering bitch might as well have been shooting a tv set permanently tuned in to the weather channel. What all you female nuts fail to realize is that it is your own unhinged, uterine based nitro-glycerin that throws every little thing in the world out of fucking whack. You think the Al Qaeda would exist if women were laid back and cool? Not in a million years. Women are crazy, they drive men crazy, men are industrious especially when driven crazy then the World trade center gets attacked.

But I misspoke, The truly big mistake that McNair made was not getting attached to her it was that he promised her stuff. Women only have memories of the conversations we have with them for the things men PROMISE them. They listen to nothing you say unless it's about an engagement ring or it's some sensitive tid bit or family secret that can in some way be useful to throw back in you face somewhere down the road.

Rule #1 of dealing with women. Promise them nothing. Then they can't ever be disappointed. I've been with my wife for 21 years and I've never promised her anything. I don't even promise to take the garbage out, this way she's always surprised when something actually gets done. And look, I'm writing this so I must still be alive. that proves my mysoginistic ramblings true. You might think I'm a woman hater but I love women. I just understand them. I also don't sleep with them during long rainy spells. These last two rainy months I've blocked the weather channel and slept on a couch with a double pump shotgun on my chest.

NOW THAT REALLY IS A PRECIOUS MOMENT

2009-07-09T02:45:00.004-04:00

Big eyed freaky kids roaming each other's ceramic nether regions, always gets me all silly in the pants just thinking about it. Ahh 2nd base, one of my favorites. The first time a girl lets you roam into, under or down her shirt and inside the bra is pretty fucking special. I still remember my first boobie grab, felt like a bag of sand. Actually, I was amazed, dumbfounded and befuddled at how soft yet how perky and gravity defying they were, remember the girl was only 13 or 14, while I was a young lad of 28. They were all Soft and warm and floaty, like a bowl of warm pudding with nipples. Ahh boobs, is there anything better?

I was having this discussion the other night, what entices the male eye and gets the mojo working more? A beautiful face or a big, beautiful rack? We both agreed, a great pair of breasts stuffed into a tight fitting something sure as shit will begin the launch sequence and set my happy haynes hellfire into seek and destroy mode. Kaboom! It really is precious.

COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR...A TRIFECTA OF ICK

2009-07-08T11:14:00.003-04:00

Who is this sexy drunk lady? Why it's none other than Three's company's Joyce Dewitt. Looking good Janet. So let's see what happened to the cast of Three's company. Jack? Dead
Mr. Roper? Dead. Mrs. Roper? Dead.
Janet? miserable old drunk hag.
Chrissy? injects her vagina with estrogen and talks about it on Oprah
Mr. Furley? Dead
Larry the creepy swinger friend? Who gives a shit. Man, that show was cursed.

Hey horsey why the long face? Why it's none other than Hillary Swank and her equine chompers jumping into the pilot seat of famous missing lesbian, Amelia Earhart. Was Amelia Earhart really a lesbian? I don't know but she flew a plane and had short hair so that's enough for me. Hillary Swank makes my penis retract like a turtle being kicked around by a bear.

Hey let's break out another freak at the Michael Jackson celebrity douche-a-thon. It's cuddly ex-child actor and junkie Corey Feldman dressed in his finest Jackson regalia. Did Michael ever puff on Feldman's peter? Just look at that moron. I would say it's a resounding Yes!

CALL ME A WUSSFUCK BUT I LIKE THIS SONG AND VIDEO

2009-07-07T23:51:00.004-04:00

I like Katy Perry, she's got a knack for catchy tunes, has a good voice and a very nice pair of those things I like so very much. That's usually more than enough in my book but she's also a sassy number with a sense of humor and a propensity for wearing cool 1940's get ups. I'm an egotistical enough douche to think that if I met her and we had some time to bullshit and have a few drinks that I'd soon be plowing her pea patch. I downloaded this song about 4 months ago but only started listening to it about 2 weeks ago now I find myself singing it all the time.

My frame of reference for the song is limited being that she's singing about dudes and I don't pine away for men but I can at least imagine that she's singing about how super fucking wonderful I am. That's why I like this song, I've got a very inflated sense of self worth and this song fits right into my narcissistic imagination. I can imagine every girl singing it about me. Their husbands, boyfriends, what have you's leave them feeling lackluster? Bam! The song is now about captain T to the muthafuckin' E to the better than your boyfriend, D! In my deluded mind the girl I talked to for 5 seconds today at the store is totally thinking of me when she hears this song...I know it! Is Katy Perry really singing about Ted? You're asking me? Of course she is.

WHILE I'M ON STUFF I HATE

2009-07-07T16:50:00.004-04:00

I hate roadside memorials. "Hey my friend plowed into this tree and split his head in half...here's a flower." I hate candle light vigils. "Hey my friend got shot by a deranged gun nut let's march with candles." I hate when famous people die and asshole fans leave stuffed animals and flowers and notes and other assorted shit outside their house. "Hey Michael Jackson died, I'm gonna go to his house and leave a stuffed monkey to show the depth of my loss. Sure I didn't know princess Diana but that's not gonna stop me from bringing a pile of crap to Buckingham palace and crying like a hysterical autistic kid when some asshole in the media comes over to ask me why she was so special. Get a life, Stupid Douche fucks.

They're dead, they can't accept your lame ass tokens and could give a rats ass. Move on, give some flowers to someone who's actually alive and might appreciate them. Memorials are for idiots who want to make a spectacle of themselves pretending they care, but it's really about them. Michael's dead? Watch me mourn. I'm the best mourner out there...did you see how empathetic I am and how very deeply I felt about this? See how sensitive I am? I'm so awesome. Where's my candle, I've got a vigil to go to for Darfur rape victims.

When I die, lay me out, throw my ass in hole, get drunk, tell stories about what a dick I was and have a good laugh, wake up with a hangover and think about me every now and then. That's enough and if I see one fucking stuffed animal I'm haunting your ass.

LAUGHING MORONS AND OTHER ANNOYANCES

2009-07-07T01:10:00.006-04:00

1) I took my kids to see night at the Museum last week and while the trailers were playing, there was a woman sitting next to who kept laughing at all the all the coming attractions. Now this woman was around 50 years old and all the coming attractions were for movies geared toward 5 year olds. Is there really an adult out there that thinks the fucking chipmunks are funny? I slept through their last goddamn piece of crap flick while my 7 year old laughed his stupid ass off. But he's 7, he's supposed to laugh at singing chipmunks, adults aren't, unless of course that adult was hit in the head with a steel girder and has the intelligence of a chipmunk. I think that was the case with the laughing asshole next to me.

2) LOL-ers: This is a theme I keep returning to but I really can't stand all the people on facebook on blogs, twitter... wherever, who feel a need to annotate their so-called jokes by announcing to everyone that it's supposed to be funny. "I just took a shit! lol!" I will now show you three actual examples from facebook responses from people attached to other people who are barely my acquaintances let alone actual friends, but hey, it's a modern world, they asked for my friendship, I accepted, now I sit there like a moron reading their lame ass responses just to anger myself up.

Post : "I'm listening to Pink Floyd"
Response: GOOD MUSIC TO LISTEN TO WHEN YOU'RE HIGH......................ON LIFE....LOL

Post: "I'm drinking a blue moon"
response: I turned to Shiraz or better known as CHIraz.... lol

Post: "I'm back on the ground in ny"
response: we miss you already
response: oooohhh NOOOO !!! I BEAT U !!! I BET I MISS U MORE !!! Have fun at the beach tomarrow ! lol Ill call u from work ! lol Kiss da kids 4 me !

What the fuck? Is any of that shit remotely worth smiling over let alone laughing out loud at? The last one is just baffling, but whatever, the dude loves his wife and laughs out loud for no fucking reason.
Almost nothing makes me laugh out loud. And you can bet your ass if I write something that I think is funny I don't have to telegraph the fucking thing with a little announcement. It's either funny or it isn't. You telling me that you're laughing over you're own joke just makes you an unfunny dick. There is only one acceptable way to announce what you're writing is a joke. If you write something as a joke but you're afraid of how it appears in writing and that someone might take it the wrong way, everyone knows you do the winking semi-colon right parenthesis ;) There, now you have let the person know it's a joke without going over the top with an LOL, LMAO, the dirtier version, LMMFAO or god fucking fordbid, the dreaded, ROTFL. As Walter would say, Fucking amateurs.

3) as always fat people in go carts at the store. The other day, fridy before the 4th of July, there were like five people in fatso go karts at the supermarket all in produce at the same time, beeping, crashing into everyone and everything making a god damn racket, blocking every fucking aisle, so as I stood there in horror just beyond the doors looking in. I asked the kid gathering the shopping carts this question:
"How do the fat people get from their cars to the obese, golf cart, shopping cycle things in the first place?"

"They walk" said the smirking kid.

"How novel." I said.

"let me ask you for a favor." I then said.

"OK" said the kid a little apprehensively

"If you ever see me riding in one of those beeping, fat people carts... pump a fucking bullet right into my head.

Will you do that for me?"

"Sure." said the laughing kid.

I took a deep breath, walked through the sliding doors and entered the store with a chip on my shoulder the size of a fat person on a chub skooter.

Get outta my way you slovenly motherfuckers!!!!!

TRASH? YOU BETCHA!

2009-07-06T11:59:00.005-04:00

Right wing dickholes are still defending this quitting clown. She's still the Queen for a nation of ignorant hillbilly's and ill-informed trash like herself. I Can't wait to see her on Fox news along with noted retards Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity with her own shit brained show. I saw a few Conservative commentators, even Karl Rove laying into her decision to quit. You know it's a stupid political decision when even the biggest, lying, republican prick can't spin your wacky actions in a positive light and basically gives you an F. I guess if you think she really had a chance in politics then it's a fucking idiot move, but It's only a very bad decision if she really thought she had a shot at the republican nomination. From everything I've read about her, she takes no time actually doing her job. She doesn't like the In's and outs of politics, she just likes the power and the notoriety, so If all she really wants is to be famous and make a boatload of cash then it's a smart move. Why stress out your already feeble mind governing a state in the middle of nowhere for chump change when you can milk all the right wing retards in this country with books, speaking appearances and a show? She's a stupid, lying, schmuck but she knows how to self promote and keep herself in the news. She's the Madonna of politics, no talent other than being famous. I love how she bashed Hillary for whining about the press and then quits her governorship because of the mean, old, librul press. David Letterman and vanity fair drove me to quit. What a fucking Dunce, but yeah, I'd still fuck her. Her head would be in the toilet getting a swirly but I'd still throw her a good one.

WHAT A STUPID BITCH

2009-07-04T04:19:00.004-04:00

I've been loving all the coverage on the Hillbilly from Wasilla since the Vanity Fair story broke this week exposing what a complete lying sack of moronic shit this dunce is. Andrew Sullivan was also extremely busy all week tallying up all of her easily refutable, nonsensical lies and hammering away at how unbelievably and dangerously close John McCain came to putting this dopey bag of shit in the drivers seat of our country. So I was happily surprised when a disgusted republican neighbor told me today that the lying sack of crap/Jerry Springer episode Governor of Alaska was stepping down for no real reason except that she's an incompetent boob. Upon closer inspection there is much scuttlebutt in Alaska that the Palin's are being investigated for steering state money to a company in return for favors like the beautiful house they had built for them on a lake. So like every other Alaskan republican she's a fucking crook. But who cares about that crap I just love her soap opera-esque, white trash idiocy.

Paul Begala sums up the fucking idiot that Sarah Palin is by critiquing her dumb bitch adios speech

Her statement was incoherent, bizarre and juvenile. The text... uses 2,549 words and 18 exclamation points. Lincoln freed the slaves with 719 words and nary an exclamation; Mr. Jefferson declared our independence in 1,322 words and, again, no exclamation points.

HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

2009-07-02T22:28:00.002-04:00

Jenny Sanford, wife of South Carolina's roaming Lothario and Governor, Mark Sanford, says she's still willing to forgive him because of God and Bishop Tutu and...well, because she's as out of her fucking mind as her husband is. Clearly, the man does not dig his wife anymore. In an interview with AP he called the chick he was banging in Argentina his "soul mate" and threw, not only his marriage but his career and possible a Presidential bid, away to be with her. That to me means that Jenny can forgive him all she wants but he's moved on to greener pastures, he wants spicy latino not white toast.

Now I'm all for forgiveness in a marriage if both people still want to be together and the cheater is repentant and the person who got fucked over is willing to forgive. I give couples great credit for trying to work out a nasty situation. In this case I think the dude just wants to bail and could give a fuck about his wife, obviously if he gave a rats ass about her he wouldn't have been so brazenly ridiculous. That chippy on the side must be something else. If Sanford does stick with his wife it will be only politics and the spotlight that will keep him around. I've read about Jenny talking a lot about their kids and the negative impact on them and that's sad, it sucks for the kids that their Dad did this in a totally fucked up and stupid way but she's using those kids in the press like a fucking anchor. Don't leave me! The kids will suffer and everyone will know you don't love yourr kids! It doesn't mean he doesn't love his kids, he just isn't willing to lead a dull ass bored shit life with his mayonnaise momma for his kids when he's got coco loco waiting in the wings.

The guy is obviously a stupid, selfish douche bag but even a douche bag deserves to be happy if they are lucky enough to find true, passionate love, aren't they? or maybe he should just do the right thing, honor his vows, stick with his wife, raise his kids blah blah blah...fuck that, I say dump mother Theresa and rock the latino, Pina Colada time.

Jenny Sanford just released her first statement since her husband, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, gave a long interview to the Associated Press in which he admitted to "crossing the line" several times and called his Argentine lover his "soul mate."

In it, she calls her husband's actions "inexcusable," saying he will be dealing with the consequences for a long time. But she is willing to forgive him.

'...Mark showed a lack of judgment in his recent actions as governor. However, his far more egregious offenses were committed against God, the institutions of marriage and family, our boys and me. Mark has stated that his intent and determination is to save our marriage, and to make amends to the people of South Carolina. I hope he can make good on those intentions, and for the sake of our boys I leave the door open to it. In that spirit of forgiveness, it is up to the people and elected officials of South Carolina to decide whether they will give Mark another chance as well.'

TED GOES LOCO

2009-07-01T18:31:00.008-04:00

Vacation, a few beers, a month of rain, a few more beers, some hair clippers, a sister looking to shave a head and a dummy with a toy gun with a desire to look like an even bigger asshole than he already does. Viola, picture time. Had a very fun vacation fishing and swimming and drinking beers and cooking pork and walking miles late at night in flip flops after downing countless beers and shots with random Irish folks and a French barmaid. Ahh the good life. The weather could have been a little better but crap weather keeps people away from beach areas which means Ted doesn't have to deal with as many assholes. The schools let out and the weather got nice last saturday and suddenly, BOOM! out flocked the annoying Long Island fuckheads that I had gladly moved away from. There's plenty of nice Long Island folks too but the east end is like a beacon for attracting douchebags. Most of the real cocks justgo to the hamptons but Montauk is becoming more popular to the dildo set. A town that is mostly pick up trucks and old station wagons in May fills up with Escalades and Hummers come the summer. I'm a tourist too, but I'm cool, I make friends, I talk about fixing roofs, basement leaks and fishing, locals buy me drinks. That's love man. I even might have gotten my band a gig playing some drunk motherfucker's wedding. I walked into town one night after the wife and kids went to sleep and stumbled into a place called the Shagwong. After and hour or so, I was buddies with a few folks. We started singing Pogues songs from the juke box and then I mentioned that I was in a band, this one guy got all excited,told me he was looking for an Irish band to play his wedding, we talked price and exchanged information. The guy will probably never call about playing his wedding but it was still a fun night. They closed up the bar around 2:00, the french barmaid starting poring me crazy amounts of beers and shots and I flip flopped out of there at 3:30 for the long walk home. The guy mowing the lawn that morning at 8:00 did not make daddy happy.

Anyway, I caught no fish, ate some delicious, only in new york, breakfast sandwiches (two eggs sausage and cheese on a hard roll. it's basic shit but no one but new york deli's seem to know how to do this properly) I slow cooked a rack a ribs for 3 plus hours that fell off the bone like autumn leaves in a windstorm, yum, i went to the movies and saw the hangover, I went swimming in the freezing cold, rough ass surf that knocked the living crap out of me and made my shorts fall down and did lot's of beer drinking.
Good time had by all, except my sister who hates kids and cloudy weather.

I didn't take this picture but some day I'll be standing there outside Paulie's tackle. That's the good shop in town, paulie is an awesome guy, the one on mainstreet, Johnny's tackle shop, is run by douchbags.

GONE FISHIN'

2009-06-20T01:41:00.003-04:00

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. ~Steven Wright

Hell, if I'd jumped on all the dames I'm supposed to have jumped on, I'd have not time to go fishing. ~Clark Gable

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening, when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town. ~ Jack Handy

When I go fishing, my thoughts turn toward the sea, how awesome and how vast, and how cold it's going be when I wade in to take a piss. ~ Ted Velvet

See ya'll in a week or so. XOX

POPPA'S GOTTA BRAND NEW GLASS

2009-06-19T00:12:00.004-04:00

Every now and then when you're out shopping you see something that you just have to have, it completes you and without it your life just won't feel whole, this glass does that for me. I had just come off the unbridled high of finding the book, "I'm a Lebowski, You're a Lebowski" for the low, low, price of four dollars and was looking for a pimp cup for my son's nerdy, and quite possibly pederast, teachers assistant, when my still excited shoppers eye came across this beauty. A douchebag pint glass. It had me at hello. I got the douche glass and the Lebowski book for the combined price of twelve American dollars. I couldn't have been happier. The nerdy teacher's assistant would have to make do with a dunkin' donuts gift card. I, on the other hand, now have an emerald sweetheart of a glass to remind myself, of my true self whenever I drink and let that true self exert itself even more than when I'm not boozing.

When I was buying the glass the girl behind the counter, who I had been having a nice chat with about the Big Lebowski and other what have you's, said,
"Are you getting that for your son's teacher?"
I said,
"Ohhhhh no, not on your life. This sweet baby is all mine. I'm the king of douchebags and this is my new goblet."
She said, "Are you really a douchebag?"
I said, "You don't know me. Believe me, the glass speaks the truth, I am. "
But so as to not make her think I was a total asshole on top of being a douchebag, I said, "But I'm usually a douchebag in a good way."
"How so?" She inquired while scanning my items in a small talkish kind of way.
"I often say improper things at awkward times. Many times by accident because I have a big mouth. It can be embarrassingly comical, but I'm also the kind of douchebag that tells other douchbags that they're being real fucking douchebags. Then I hope they don't have guns."
"Ohh..." she said suddenly believing in my doucheness.

She'd heard and seen enough, she understood. She wrapped up my glass. I payed my money and took my loot. I ran home. I washed it. I cracked open a beer. I poured it in my new glass. I drank deep. I was happy.

WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT?

2009-06-17T23:00:00.003-04:00

Picking strawberries: I've been avoiding the Blog a bit, doing other crap, keeping busy, improving myself in many, many, sexy ways. I picked strawberries today, what do you think of that? Pretty fucking hardcore huh? I got some good one's, ate a bunch of them, they were very tasty. I went with my son and his friend and his friend's mom. We were like migrant workers slaving away under the hot sun, laboring to fill our little cardboard containers. It felt so Steinbeck-ish, I was looking for a large retarded man to talk about rabbits with and shoot in the head. I'd like to say we let the kids run off to play while we made mad, sticky, sweet love, in the strawberry patch and made jam with our hot, outdoor, fuck action, but that would be very untrue and wrong and my wife would just about cut my nuts off. Wouldn't you honey? She knows all the ladies want to squeeze my man grapes and taste my juice. I'm a vintage year, ladies can't resist getting drunk on my love wine ...Just kidding honey bunch. Girls don't like me.

Vacation: What else is new? I go on vacation in 2 days. Gonna do some of that there fishing and swimming and drinking and reading and swimming and drinking and peeing in the ocean. The weather is supposed to suck giant nuts but I don't give a rats ass. The pool is heated, I can drink inside as easily as I can outside and I can fish in the rain. I'll bring some dvd's and the wii for the kids and
and presto, daddy doesn't have to do shit, which is what I want out of vacation anyway.

Killing Bin laden:I've been reading a lot about the Pakistani army killing and driving the Taliban out of the Northeastern swat valley region and I saw an article predicting the probability of the capture or death of Osama Bin laden pretty soon. I'll agree, why not, If it happens I look smart if not...staus quo. The Pakistani army, along with a lot of the local population, are fed up with the monster they created (the Taliban) they've already cleared out one rat's nest in the swat valley (something Bush couldn't seem to make them do) and you have a new badass commando leading the US troops in Afghanistan. Bin laden asked for donations in his last recording which might mean he's short on dough which will pretty much ensure his death or capture. The U.S. army will kill and push the Taliban and al qaeda fucks south into Pakistan and if the Pakistani army does what it's been doing in the swat in waziristan and the US is still offering a boatload of money for his head, someone will take it and he'll be a dead bitch. That will be a good day when we have his dead ass in a box. Hope I'm right.

Another GOP bible thumping hypocrite:Republican Sen. John Ensign of Nevada had an affair with a woman who was on his campaign staff. her husband was also on his campaign staff and a longtime "friend." This guy is one of those asshole holier than thou, born again "promise keeper" douchebags. Here's a promise to keep, don't fuck your friend's wife. Now it looks like theirs a lot of financial chicanery along with the affair, payoffs, blackmail lot's of seedy weirdness. I think I'll just make a new mathematical formula.
The amount of Jesus (A) asskissing (B) is directly proportional to hypocritical (C) sexual (D) inappropriateness(E)
A: + B:=C:D:E

Iran: Persian revolutions are fun to watch especially when they're not taking our people hostage. I hope they keep up the rioting and overthrow the fucks that run that place. I fear a lot of dead protesters before that ever happens. But I will say this, if the government goes all Tienanmen square on the protesters, that country will fucking explode and there will be some dead mullahs hanging from trees. A lot of people in that country are unhappy not just the educated class and students. that shit over there is real, bottom to top. Persians aren't Arabs, they're a little more European, a little more cosmopolitan, they don't put up with as much shit, Just ask the fucking Shah. It's been 30 years of Islamic leadership mixed with aggressive anti-western/authoritarian government and plenty of people want it gone. Obama is right to back off and kind of stay out of it, don't be seen as provocateurs, it's their country let them fix it if they can. Don't change the dynamic and give the Government a straw man to blame the unrest on, just watch the fireworks and then take credit if it goes your way. Power to the people.

I do hope the CIA has some sort of covert, free, underground satellite feeds for twitter and cell phones so the people over there can communicate and show what's going on. There's a reason the Iranian government cut all Internet and cell phone service.

CHAZ BONO IS MY NEW BESTEST BUDDY

2009-06-16T14:46:00.002-04:00

Chaz Bono, my new bro and drinking buddy was spotted out with a new lady friend by TMZ. He's got all that sweet quiff right at his fingertips. Let me tell you something, that Chaz is one crazy pussy hound. He's got balls of steel, he'll approach any chick anywhere anytime. I saw him go into the ladies room to chase a skirt once. He came out with her didgits... and a tampon. That was fucking funny man. I said, "What you doing with that tampon?" he was all, "Uh I don't know what you're talking about." and tried to hide it. I was like, "That tampon in your back pocket.' Then he was like, "Ohh, this thing? I thought it was a cigar." and pretended to smoke it. Hysterical. He's my Dawg, my compadre, my wingman, and he never, ever, cock blocks me. He's got mad skills, he really knows how to get in a woman's head...and pants. We go out, throw back a few cold one's and then it's trauling for poonfish time. We drop his Mom's name on the ladies and they come running, it's awesome. Chaz sings a little half breed some, I got you babe and then, POW! We're knee deep in snatch. Look at him, so rougishly handsome, how could any lady resist that? It totally doesn't look like he's got a big rack O' man tits, he just works out a lot. Them's manly pecs. He's pretty fucking special. He's my bud, my main man. I did have to bust his balls over his hair though, frosted tips are so fucking gay.

IS IT WRONG TO ASK GOD TO KILL PEOPLE?

2009-06-12T09:42:00.002-04:00

I'm feeling very conflicted. I'm a Yankees fan therefore I want my team to do well but I'm also viciously angry at my team for lying down like whipped bitches at the feet of the hated Red Sox. I want the Yankees to win but I also want them to pay and pay dearly for angering me so. At least one of them should pay with his life, Nick Swisher comes to mind. Mental errors are unacceptable in the big leagues. I think his base running mistakes are worthy of a death sentence this might be a tad too harsh but he should have kept his fucking moronic head in the goddamn game. Oh yeah, and kill the whole bullpen too, they suck. Thank you God.

CHASTITY BONO WANTS TO BE A DUDE...WELL LOOKS LIKE SHE'S PRETTY MUCH THERE ALREADY

2009-06-12T00:30:00.004-04:00

So I read today that Chastity Bono is in the middle of getting a sex change. I don't want to make fun of Chastity, oops I mean Chaz, as her publicist is calling him now, it's gotta be a very difficult life feeling trapped in the wrong body and wanting to have sexual reassignment surgery. It has to be a fairly miserable existence feeling like you're the wrong sex and an incredibly hard decision to make to go all out and change it. But it kind of confuses me when it comes to big butch lesbians who want to become men because it get's into the whole aspect of sexual identity. If Chaz is really a man trapped in a woman's body than she's not nor has ever been a lesbian, she's a heterosexual man which means the type of women that she has dated and that she liked and that liked her back as a lesbian will no longer be attracted to her. Now she has to totally change up her entire dating and social scene and what has worked in the past, Melissa Etheridge concerts, softball games and Margaret Cho, won't work anymore. She'll have to learn new skills going after straight women. Lesbians are probably much friendlier and way cooler to other lesbians then your average stuck up bitch is to your average post op tran-dude or your average natural born male. She's gonna have to learn to eat scads of shit, apologize all the time for no apparent reason and take them to see stupid shit like Twilight movies. Chaz is gonna be all, "Yo bitch, all this testosterone they're pumping me full of is making my little, pinky sized, clit wiener go crazy! Give me some fucking love!" And they're gonna say, " "Not tonight Chaz, You didn't earn it yet, listen to my dumb bullshit for 3 more dates and maybe I'll take care of you."

I guess it's the same when a man changes into a woman but men are ridiculous, we'll fuck anything. To some guys, a he-she-tranny, full on, post-op chick is just another warm hole to poke.

Me: "Hey, that chick you just banged used to be a guy"

Dude who fucked ex-dude: "Used to? But she's not anymore right? "

Now I'm not a transsexual expert but a big, fat, dykie lesbian that looks like a dude probably gets boatloads more pussy than a fat, girlish man with a tiny, surgically created, taffy pulled penis and no testicles. I'm just saying, if she's in it for the pussy, and if she really is a dude, then that's the only thing she's in it for, then I'd have to advise her to go with the percentage play, stay trapped in her round, butchy shell and score all the sapphic tail she can. But Chaz is gonna do what Chaz is gonna do. At least with a women, if after the sex change, he doesn't like being a man, Chaz can always just cut his dick off and cram his nutsack back up inside himself. Voila, you got your vagina back Chaz. Now go fingerbang Porsche DeRossi.

WHEN YOUR NUMBER'S UP, YOUR NUMBER IS FUCKING UP: REAL LIFE FINAL DESTNATION

2009-06-12T00:09:00.004-04:00

Crazy story from the Air France crash from Brazil. "...Johanna Ganthaler... was on vacation in Brazil with her husband Kurt when the pair miraculously missed the doomed flight to Paris. But their luck ran out on an Austrian road earlier this week... Ms Ganthaler died when their car veered across a road in Kufstein, Austria, and swerved into an oncoming truck. Her husband was seriously injured."If I were her husband I'd either be feeling very lucky or I'd be sleeping with one eye open in a life raft, next to fire extinguisher with a gun in a fucking bomb shelter wearing a hazmat suit and a bullet proof vest. This guy's gotta be sweating bullets expecting his ticket to get punched at any second now. You can run Kurt, but you can't hide.

FROM NOW ON THIS BLOG IS STRICTLY TITS AND YANKEE RANTS

2009-06-11T15:15:00.003-04:00

Heather Graham, Ding dong! Honk, Boinggg, ka-pow, Squeeka Squeeka, chomp xoxoxoxo.

THE NEW YORK YANKEES: MY WELL OF DISGUST RUNETH OVER

2009-06-10T22:44:00.004-04:00

You better fucking run you nutless bitches

I can't say this any clearer than this. The Yankees are a team of useless cunts. . Disgusting team of sandy vagina owning cowards. Wang and Burnett should both be thrown out of a fucking airplane. Jeter should have his head run over by a tank and the rest of the useless fucks on the team should get breast implants, tuck their dicks back and start sucking cock by the Holland tunnel. I hate this team, they owe me a fucking apology.

OH, DREADED SUN, DO YOU NOT COMPREHEND MY WORLD WEARINESS AND BLEAK OUTLOOK? SHINE NOT YOUR RAYS UPON MY ALABASTER VISAGE

2009-06-09T21:49:00.007-04:00

Awesome website called http://www.gothsinhotweather.com/ it's dedicated to catching Goth's out in the daylight, at the beach and soaking up the sun. This girl in the photo hates life but loves her some ice cream. Personally, I could never adhere to a lifestyle or culture that made me have to dress up in outfits. I get all uncomfortable when I have to wear khaki pants, I can't imagine having to keep up the constant wearing of black and leather and velvet and overcoats and capes and complicated pants with extra snaps and zippers and blousey, Lord Byronesque pirate shirts when it's a hundred degrees outside. Plus all that clown makeup is bad for the skin you might not get sun damage but all the acne would be devastating to my attempts at scoring Goth poon.

I see the goth kids in their relaxing summer outfits sometimes, Dock martins, black and white striped tights, cutoff black pants, Christian death T-shirt, dog choker collar, caked on makeup...they look easy and breezy, Like a pack of thunderstorm clouds in the middle of a hot and sunny, summer day.

Man I hope my kids never become Goths, How much shit do you have to do wrong to get a sniveling kid that pretends to be deep, writes bad poetry, reads gay vampire novels, has a persecution complex and whines like a fucking brat in a Dracula outfit. I hope I'm not doing that shit right now because red headed Goth's would just look way too creepy. Like albino black people, Not easy to look at.

ME SO HORNY...WHAT ELSE IS NEW?

2009-06-09T12:51:00.003-04:00

The chick in the red is boob model and horrible actress, Kelly Brook. She made herself famous by having a perfect rack and by sleeping with one time movie star Billy Zane. I could look at his kind of crap all day...oh wait, I already do. Actually, it would be easier to look at this stuff if there was even a remote chance that I could somehow get myself situated in between these two sluts with a tube of astroglide, some baby oil and a sandwich. Man's gotta eat. I 'd need my energy for the marathon boning session that I'd throw upon these two harlots. Why oh why did God put women like this on the planet and not give at least 5 of them to me? It's like when I was a child in school. A kid would be eating candy and the teacher would say, don't bring candy into school unless you have enough for everyone. Well I want some fucking candy goddammit! Billy Zane got his candy, where the hell is mine? I mean what's the fun of looking at the delicious candy in the red bathing suit if I can't devour that shit. I want to eat the shit out of that candy. I want it to give me a toothache.

TED'S GOT A BLACK GUY IN HIS HOUSE...I THINK

2009-06-08T11:16:00.005-04:00

I just can't find him...I just hear him, at least I think I do. I'm quite possibly losing my fucking mind. Last night I layed on the couch and watched True Blood on HBO. I've got one of those annoying colds where you only cough at bedtime so I was laying there coughing like Beth in Little Women. The show was over I turned off the TV to go to bed. I walked into my bathroom opened the closet, swigged some Tylenol nighttime cold remedy and grabbed for the Mucinex. I was about to unscrew the cap when I distinctly heard a black man say, "You don't want to do that brother." I froze dead in my tracks and stood silently for about three minutes. At first I thought the TV had popped back on, but it hadn't. I stood there silent listening for any movement or noise but there was none. When I thought it safe enough to unscrew the mucinex, I did so, but quietly, so as to not let the big black man, that obviously is not a fan of mixing medications, know that I was going against his wishes. I took out one pill and put the cap back on as silently as I could, then I gently crept into my kitchen to get a glass of water for my pill.

As I turned the water on, again I heard a disembodied, yet distinctly African American male voice say, "Nuh uh, partner." Again I froze. I turned the water off and stood there silently, listening for a black guy moving around my house with my pill clenched between my front teeth and a glass of water in my hand. I looked out the window. Maybe there's a random black guy outside spying on me giving me medical advice. I couldn't see one. I quickly took the pill and washed it down with the water. I'll be damned if some invisible black man is gonna try to stop me from taking mucinex dammit. I glanced around for a weapon, just in case someone had somehow slipped into my house without me knowing it and decided to make himself known at the very moment of my cold medicine intake. I was within Arms reach of many knives but felt my belt with it's large metal buckle might make for a less lethal method of self defense. After all, he had only shown disfavor with my choice of medicine which though unsettling didn't really warrant a stabbing, maybe a metal belt buckle to the eye, but not a stabbing. I walked around the house whispering, "Hello? Large black man? Are you here?" Then I thought, maybe he likes motown so I started singing 'ain't too proud to beg' hoping he'd feel the urge to join in and reveal himself. Nothing. Maybe a poor choice of song, perhaps, Poppa was a rolling stone? DMX's 'My Niggas'? Nothing. I walked around my house with my belt ready to sting the eye of any possible negro assailant, but to no avail. There wasn't a single black person in my house.

I went upstairs to look for him. I went into my kids room and looked once more out the window, I checked their closet and finding no one gave them both a kiss on their cute little sleeping heads. Then I went into my bedroom and woke my sleeping wife, I sat down next to her on the bed and whispered softly, "Don't be alarmed but there might be a gigantic black guy, quite possibly an escaped convict, hiding somewhere within our house, don't worry, go back to sleep." I didn't want to keep my wife awake all night with my coughing so I decided to sleep in the guest room. The only room with a lock on the door and the last place a murderous home invading psychopath would look mid slaughter. I slept like a baby. Black guy and all.

PORKFEST IV: INTRAVENOUS DE SWINO WAS THE BEST PORKFEST EVER

2009-06-02T00:41:00.006-04:00

Where to begin? What a balls out awesome time I had the other night. Great party if I do say so myself, fuck it I'll say it. It was a really good party. PORKFEST RULES! It's not easy hosting an event as important to the world as Porkfest. There's a lot of pressure on ol' Ted to make sure everything goes off without a hitch and I couldn't really do it without a lot of help from the wife who busts her ass cleaning and gives me the time to do the shit I have to do to prepare for the fiesta. Of course my brother and sisters and brother in law, the "loinmaster" and my cuz "boss hog" his wife of the pulled pork nachos and my good friends all help out. I'm glad they all bought in to the concept of Porkfest otherwise it wouldn't work so well. Everyone seems to relish their appointed pork niche which lends itself to a swinging good time had by all. They are vested in the outcome of the swine extravaganza. Like ants in a colony, everyone has a role to play. But in the end, you truly know that it's your party when it's time to clean up the huge fucking mess. Oh sweet ownership. I am the general so I slog in. Still, when all of the previous night's singing and dancing and laughing and fun is just a sweet memory poking at my hungover brain and I'm abandoned, I still feel happy and warm inside knowing that Porkfest has become the greatest holiday ever invented by two bored, drunken idiots that like to gorge on the swine. I love you Porkfest. Hopefully next year, a couple of my so-called, douche bag, friends that didn't show up, will come.

I saw this pic and started cooking on what will be in the works for next year.
Next year's big accessory will be: The PorkFez

doing the world famous duet of "Jump Around" with Boss Hog

Ringing the bell for PORKFEST IV

I love meat sweats

YOU MESS WITH THE BULL, YOU GET THE HORNS BITCH

2009-05-29T09:27:00.003-04:00

A Spanish Matador got fuuuuuucked up by this bull. He got gored in his stomach and had a 25 centimeter hole. The thing shook this guy around like a baby rag doll and deposited his weak ass in the dirt. I'd fuck you up to if you were sticking skewers into me. You want to make a living torturing something in front of a crowd, expect payback every now and then. The matador is in serious condition and probably vowing to not fuck with bulls anymore if he lives. I'm sure the bull got his in the end but he probably died a little happier knowing he took one of us with him. Still, I bet that bull tasted good. watch the video, it's awesomely nasty.

Israel Lancho Spanish Bullfighter Mauled from Ryan North on Vimeo.

BLOG AVOIDANCE SYNDROME: PORKFEST ON MY MIND

2009-05-28T13:57:00.003-04:00

I've been avoiding my blogging duties lately. There's not much going on that I feel like writing about and I've got too much stuff to do this week what with Porkfest IV :Intravenous De Swino this Saturday. It should be a good day, Hope, Hope. I will try not to get as fucked up as I did last year where I was pretty much shot by 8:00 and passed out on my beeping computer keyboard at 2:30. That's where I remained for the night snoring with my face in the keys. I was going to rent one of those inflatable jumpy gym things but I really couldn't get passed the 250.00 for a few hours price. Too wasteful. I never had one of things when I was a kid and I had a great time at parties. My kids will live. I was also contemplating buying a bacon tuxedo but again, a hundred bucks that could better be spent on beer and food. I'm trying not to go broke throwing a stupid party. I don't mean stupid in the pejorative sense, I just mean in the big picture, wife and two children and a mortgage and a vacation coming up sense.

When not dreaming of porkfest I did spend a few moments asleep upright in my living room chair all night having a dirty, filthy dream about Katie Perry. She had an awesome rack and in my dream she was quite soft, smelled good and was very bendy. But like all of my good dreams just when It was getting to the point of me having the most fun, in walks the dream wife, by dream wife, I mean my wife in my dream, Telling me to stop boning Katie Perry and don't I dare give the dream a happy ending. Katie was cool though she said I should call her then turned into a lamp or a cat or something. Curses! Foiled again!!