THE VELVET FACTOR

YOU'D HAVE TO BE A FUCKING ASSHOLE NOT TO SEE THIS COMING

2012-01-19T13:48:00.003-05:00

I know it's old news but katy perry splitting from her asshole ex-junkie brit wanker husband Russell Brand was to say the least, predictable and by predictable I take you back to my own post of august 4th 2010, "I laugh every time I hear the expensive gifts she's buying for her fiance, Russel Brand. The guy is an ex-junkie and sex addict. if he hasn't already, I guarantee he will get caught fucking someone else. She's got a smoking body and all but she's just one chick and sooner or later, Russell is just gonna want a different smoking body to bang. Good luck with the marriage titsy." I mean not an exactly hard call to make but I'm pretty good with predictions. Here's another prediction, I'm gonna stare at Katy Perry pictures on the internet until I get horny and then I'll find some good porn to fap to. Here's another prediction, Obama will be president in 2013.

JUST IN CASE YOU THOUGHT I FORGOT; CHELSEA HANDLER IS AS FUNNY AS AN ANAL FISSURE AND TWICE AS UGLY

2012-01-17T20:28:00.005-05:00

Fucking shitcow turd hoppin' scuz queen. I keep seeing a commercial for her sitcom, Are You There, Chelsea? Where she's standing next to an actually pretty comedienne named Whitney Cummings from the aptly titled shitty sitcom Whitney and Laura Prepon the asshole scientologist but hot as hell red head from That 70's show fame. Laura Prepon is actually playing the role of human dogbowl, Chelsea handler on Are You There, Chelsea? The studio at first wanted a crackwhore they found swimming in a dumpster filled with urine who had just taken a shit in her nylons and smeared it all over her face to play Chelsea to make it believable but then someone suggested putting a hot chick on the show so people might actually tune in instead of just vomiting. Anyway, in this advert for Chelsea's new show, the three chicks are standing there and then the dude from the Whitney show comes out and says the girls are hot or some dumb shit and then Chelsea because she's so funny and beautiful starts to mock him for his weak facial hair. She then storms off in unfunny pretend cuntrag disgust. In typical Chandler fashion it looks like, Are you there, Chelsea? is gonna be just one more example of a terrible sitcom coming from a terrible, unfunny person being foisted on poor, sick, America. Watch either of these Shitcoms and count the rhythm of setup, punchline and canned laughter. Like a Waltz of misery 123- 123- 123 It's fucking embarrassingly stupid and lame and unfunny.
Chelsea Handler, Not funny, never will be, plus she looks like armpit smell wrapped in greasy butter paper

I HAD FORGOTTEN

2011-09-16T23:56:00.005-04:00

I picked up this sweet honey of a dog recently from a friend who could no longer keep her, and let me tell you something, I love this dog beyond belief. I hadn't had a dog in so long I had forgotten just how much love an animal could bring into a family and how much you could care about and love a such a jerky little thing. She's sleeping next to me on the couch as I write this and the peaceful feeling is wonderful. My wife was watching me cuddling and playing with the dog the other day and said," I think you love that dog more than you love us." And my reply was, "It's a lot easier to love a dog than it is to love a wife and kids." One is work, and discipline and constant headaches, compromising, coddling, exhorting, cheering on and correcting, and the other just wants to take a shit on the lawn. I love this dog, but don't get me wrong, it's a dog. If times got tough and the winter snows blew 20 feet high for a month, I'd cook and feed this dog to my family faster than she licks her own dog vaj after a big squirt. Like I've always said, Dogs rule cats drool.Woof, fuck you.

WHO'S A FUCKING IDIOT WHO FUCKED A BIG BLACK DUDE?

2011-09-14T14:14:00.002-04:00

Lots of Sarah Palin shenanigans to come out next week when Joe McGinniss's book The Rogue, comes out, but the one bit of information that's making news today is a leaked bit of information that back in the 1980's when Sarah was engaged to Todd, she met professional basketball player Glenn Rice and gave up her right wing clam. She was working as a sportscaster on an Anchorage TV news station and he was in town with the Michigan basketball team for the great Alaska shootout. She took him to her sisters dorm room at the university of Alaska and blew dixie on his bone. You Betcha sounds a lot more like glurg-a-glurg-a-glurg-a when a 6-8' dude drops his nuts in your mouth, Talk about tea bagging. Now all of this might be bullshit but it's a good story so I'll run with it. The book is supposed to be a fucking epic takedown. It goes into her craziness, her stupid religious beliefs, her cheating on Todd, her faking the birth of her son Trig, her drugs, her plastic surgeries, her stupidity, her vindictiveness, her lies about everything and of course how dangerous it was letting her near the presidency. Sounds like a good read, Andrew Sullivan, one of only 3 people to get an advance copy says it is, "unputdownable."

HALLELUJAH, I HAVE SEEN THE NIPPLE!

2011-09-14T13:31:00.003-04:00

My girlfriend Scarlett Johansson was sending me a few pics and rubbing one out with a vibrating hockey puck that her gay ex-husband, Ryan Reynolds gave her when some cockbag hacked her phone, stole our personal pictures and spread them all over the internet tubes. What a terrible, awful thing for someone to do. Now I know it's wrong, but I really like big breasts and I've been itching to see this girls rack for a long, long, time so God Damn it to hell I gotta share. If she would have just whipped them out in a movie I wouldn't really care about this but since she's been covering up the goods like it's secret stealth technology then I gotta expose the wondrous nature of her beautiful bosom. It's nice to know that she's just a ditzy, slutty, horndog, sexting idiot just like all the other young Hollywood hookers, oops...I mean "actresses." I love you Scarlett, thanks for the early Christmas present. I just hope some other shots come out and I get to see the majesty that is poon central station.But for now I'll make do with one boobie and a hiney shot. Nice hiney,chomp, chomp, chomp! Look at me, I'm a scarlett Johannson butt eating dinosaur. Yay!

IT'S SIMPLE, CONSERVATIVES ARE BAD PEOPLE

2011-09-04T00:10:00.005-04:00

Not to overstate the obvious but republicans/conservatives are really a bad bunch of folks. Now don't get me wrong, your average republican voter is usually just a half decent white dude who thinks he's over taxed and fears minorities so he votes republican because that's what republicans sell. They sell the middle class supposed tax cuts and racial animosity that makes white suburbanites feel that someone is standing up for them. These people don't actually do any thinking, they just feel that the party of white people is looking out for them. These voters don't want to think about anything they like the black and white simplicity that republicans sell them. kick out illegal aliens, abortion is bad, taxes stink, things were better the old way, it's a simple good vs. evil, us vs. them philosophy shot like an arrow into the brains of the incurious American mind. It's simple, it's stupid and it's perfect for a large portion of the American population who are complete fucking idiots. So during the last election of 2010 a bunch of these angry white folks got other morons called "independent voters" all riled up and they voted in the most destructive know-nothing idiots to ever sit in congress. These conservatives, the so-called "Tea party" caucus are flat out scumbags. they're ill informed, they're really ignorant and just a clusterfuck of dumb. They are the biggest threat to this country since The Civil War. They are destroying the economy and this country and simply don't give a shit. My only hope is that every asshole that voted for these people lost their job, their house, their wife, their car, their dog, everything. Fuck them for being so stupid, and fuck them for what they have wrought on our country.

Take the conservative, Fox news, Governors who got voted in during the last election, Wisconsin's Scott Walker, Ohio's, John Kasich, and the fat, loudmouth fuck from New Jersey, Chris Christie, They all took fiscal state budget issues about pensions and health care and turned them into a war on their own citizens. This is the first time in this country that being a teacher became the equivalent of being an enemy of society, a dead beat welfare mom. To these conservatives, teachers are the real enemy because a well educated middle class isn't as easy to dupe and mind fuck as an ignorant and poor under class. Take away education and you've got dummies doing whatever you tell them to do, electing bad, bad, people that the corporations tell them to elect. That's our future. The corporate stooge winning by a landslide to ensure the EPA goes away, and OSHA is no more and FDA is gone and education is a commodity to be sold only to the most wealthy in society. The conservative supreme court has seen to it. Citizens united. Corporations are people and money equals free speech. The richest have the most money therefore the most free speech. This is happening.

You take Scott Walker in Wisconsin, this guy is one of the biggest cocksuckers in the country. As soon as he got into office he not only went to war against public unions over concessions that he could have just played a little bit of politics to achieve but he had to make an example of the real evil doers in this country, public employees. With the help of Fox news and big money men like the Koch brothers, the meme of public employees being a drag on our society became commonplace. The mantra to these right wing, lumps of dog shit was, it's the Makers vs. the Takers. The makers are the noble entrepreneurs and money men who supposedly create jobs, (where? In this country? What jobs? when did they do this?) while teachers and firemen are just parasites living off of everyone elses hard work, contributing nothing to society. This right wing war on public employees made teachers, firemen, professors, nurses and every other public employee in America a new "enemy" to the conservative movement, Fox news talking heads and blowhard right wingers on the radio. They then take this screed and repeat it often enough until it starts to work on all the rest of the weak minded dolts in the country. My brother is a state employee and goes along with these people. He thinks they're right, So, I hope my brother gets fired. The teachers, firemen and other public employees of Ohio and Wisconsin and New Jersey who voted for these sad excuses for humans deserve to lose their jobs and their benefits. I hope every asshole state employee that voted these people in, kick themselves every night and lay in bed awake cursing the day they were ever stupid enough to vote for an evil, piece of shit, Republican. These modern day Conservatives are very bad people and if there is a hell they will fucking burn. Even the dip shit guy next door that's just afraid of minorities and just wants lower taxes are guilty, they are complicit. A sin of omission is just as bad as a sin of commission. The sad thing is these people will never pay. They will just go on making money, fucking middle class people over while waving the flag and talking about how the poor should pay more taxes not the rich, and they will keep being elected by the very same people that they made their life's mission to fuck over. The idiots in this country deserve the ass fucking they're taking. Ignorance and apathy leads to Scott Walker, Rick Perry, Sarah Palin, The Koch Brothers Fox news and Monsanto and GE and Pfizer etc...running this country. Conservatives are bad people.

BLOGGING IS GAY

2011-09-03T01:51:00.006-04:00

That's why I suck at it, it's not me, it's the gay blog world.

Why have I been so lax in writing this idiotic blog? Well it just got depressing. I literally had no desire to write..anything. Blogging went the way of the dinosaur and I wasn't good enough at it or interesting enough or willing to pimp this thing 24/7 to get a readership. I got sick of writing stuff no one ever read, all in all, it was a pretty pointless endeavor from the get go. For the last ...gee whiz I don't even know how many years I've basically been writing this thing it's been mostly just a diary of stupid, sexist, crap and political hackery. It was always meant to be a distraction for myself, just a giant time wasting exercise based on my vanity and bottomless stupidity. It was fun for a brief period around 2007 -2008 when I started getting a few regular readers and there was some sort of blogging community that kind of paid attention to each others shit, girls flirted with me and sent me nudie shots, people praised my ability to be a snarky cocksucker and to turn a phrase, I liked the attention and writing for and audience was fun, but like all things that involves myself and other people, I got bored. I couldn't stand most of the people that were in the blogging clique, I thought I was a better writer, funnier, less fucked up, more together, and most of all, more interesting to read than most of the other writers. I couldn't stand reading their shit. And as this intermingling went on I noticed that the stuff I was writing was becoming shittier, I was trying to out-whatever all the others. Out sex, out gross, out curse, out mean spirit, out do them all. I wasn't quite me, it was like a bad teenage high school movie. Being different to impress the other kids, finding myself being that stupid and lame was disturbing so I stopped reading their stuff and commenting and communicating with the other bloggers and slowly but surely they fell by the wayside, I outlasted them and the few I actually liked quit their blogs and moved on with life, leaving me, captain asshole, all alone, writing to no one like a dickhead floating around in a jerkoff space capsule floating in an endless void, lost in in space. But then something sent me a little red box telling me i had a message...it was Facebook and I was no longer lost in space.

I really think the rise of Facebook doomed this and most other blogs. Facebook is simpler, You can post the stuff you like to talk about, post movies, pictures, jokes, whatever it is that makes you, you. You can throw it out to your friends and get instant feedback and praise from family and friends. That's pretty much what bloggers want, shit, that's what I want, a voice and attention. Enter Facebook and blogging lost it's main purpose, to feed the ego. And in my case, the instant gratification without all the time spent writing was the tits, no work and attention? For me that's gold baby.

I rail against facebook all the time but I'm full of shit because I like getting notes from people and I like when people respond positively to a picture or comment I post. I like facebook but I can't truly be me on there. On this blog I can write whatever the fuck I want. Facebook is like being in a straightjacket. Don't want to disturb the herd too much, keep it clean and keep it apolitical. And that is fucking boring. I hate almost all of my facebook friends, their fucking corpses, they're not funny, they don't think, they are nice and polite and they bore me to fucking tears. That's why this blog still has a purpose for me, that's why I can't truly give it up. If I posted what I really think on facebook the facebook nerd police would have me in GITMO in no time. I would piss off all the good sweet boring people in my life so bad I would be a pariah that's not so bad for me but it would hurt my wife, everyone would look at her differently for being married to such a scumbag. But here I am safe and thank God because next week is the 10 year anniversary of 9/11 and every simple minded, flag waving, grief whoring dildo will be trying to out lament fuck each other. It's going to be a disgusting display of who, can top who, 9/11 war stories and I'll tell you right now I'm gonna fucking puke. I'm gonna yak up how much I hate this seemingly ceaseless American need to mourn and remember and light candles and ring bells and remain silent and other such pointless acts of self serving, non stop memorializing. I'm gonna barf up my hatred of our new national pastime into a nice, anti social, fuck the 9/11 crybabies blog post. It's just a blog that no one reads anymore anyway and I'm not me writing it, I'm Ted Velvet, just a douche blogger and top notch asshole. So if someone should actually stumble across this post while looking to grieve over the fallen of 9/11 and it's not to their liking, Fuck you. Leave a nasty comment.

TRYING TO UNDERSTAND STUPIDITY IS A HOPELESS SPIRAL INTO THE VOID

2011-05-23T12:05:00.004-04:00

So this past weekend was supposed to the made up end time philosophical jerk off known as the Rapture. As a construct, the Rapture has no basis in actual christian theology, it is like most modern day christian beliefs, complete bullshit sold by a con man to idiots looking to buy anything to jam into their little minds to make them feel better about this scary pointless world and their own utterly futile existence. So what's new, a lot of people believed that this past Saturday they were going to be assumed up into heaven leaving behind all of their earthly possessions and troubles to meet the big guy. Ok, that's an interesting little thing to believe in, which is fine. If you believed the story than no big deal, you thought you were gonna meet your maker but you didn't, no harm, no foul. The problem, and this is where the lack of any discernible ability to reason comes into play when you're talking about these sad christian people is this; many of these people gave up all of their money to their church with the belief that the rapture was coming. Now if the rapture was actually going to happen, than why would your church still need your money? Now this thought seemed to elude most of the adherents to this idiotic belief. Not only were they dumb enough to believe in the rapture but they were stupid enough to bet on it, but the bet made no sense being that they were laying down their bet to a house that theoretically wasn't going to be there in a couple of days.

Once you start going down that rabbit hole of thought there is no coming out. Anyone that isn't a complete idiot gets stupified making the mistake of giving these people any sort of logical thinking patterns. Faith is a kooky thing. Faith in God in particular is interesting. Can you have 50% faith or is it by it's definition, automatically understood that having faith means 100% all the way go for broke, blind faith. And if you can cut off the doubtful voices in your head, is blind faith some sort of gift or is it the complete opposite? Is having 100% faith the epitome of mental abdication? It was easy to have faith as a child because I just believed what i was told, I couldn't think critically, I had no doubts, my mind was in the off position. But I grew up and once I could think, on my own, could I really just go along with all the other dumb asses that seemed to question nothing? I used to wave the flag like a moron unquestioningly believing that the USA was the greatest thing ever invented by God or man, then I grew up and saw all of it's flaws and ugliness but, even with the blemishes I could still rationally say that America is definitely a pretty great fucking place. I still mock the flag wavers because I don't think they have ever doubted or questioned anything about their country, now it's no wonder that the people that wave the flag like children are the same people who have this unwavering belief that God exists. That must be a nice, Santa Claus world to live in. You're country is perfect and there's a nice magic man that watches us and gives us guardian angels to be buddies with and all that nice stuff and maybe they're right, maybe there's an all knowing, caring being in the sky that created us but I cannot be sure. Sue me I can't just dive into that faith pool head first. I cannot quantify God rationally and as far as I can tell, it hasn't made itself obviously known to me, so I cannot base my actions or decisions on the writings of a 4000 year old book or on a church teaching or on some group think and I will not join hands with people that can read the new testament and think Jesus would want them to let others starve or go sick or be mistreated while grasping a gun and screaming for tax breaks. Those people are not Christians, If those people are Christians then I hate Christians and I'm pretty sure if God does exist he would hate them too. If there was a rapture all of the real nice people in the world would go, maybe even some real Christians but I think most of the phony Christians this country shits out like a never ending, stinking, diarrhea wave of stupidity would find themselves stuffing their fat faces, watching Fox news and wondering what the fuck happened? Obviously I am not a good christian, I cast the first stone, I don't turn the cheek and I judge others. I might not have faith in God but I have faith that I'm right about these stupid assholes.

IF I'VE SAID IT ONCE, I'VE SAID IT A MILLION FUCKING TIMES, "NEVER, EVER, BOTTOM FEED!"

2011-05-18T14:10:00.002-04:00

So this is what Arnold threw his marriage away for. This is what filled him with such desire that he had to have her. Not only did he have some over powering urge to fuck this chick, he also was dumb enough to not give her a flume ride between the tits or Rorschach on her back, he went exploding dumptruck and blew a load in her. Un-fucking-real. Did the sperminator never hear of jerking off? "I want to fuck my ugly housekeeper"...five minutes of porn and a soiled jam rag later, "I don't want to fuck my ugly housekeeper." It's that simple. Now this is gonna sound mean but Arnold should have been able to do much, much, better than her. This is the kind of woman that guys who can't bang anything else, fuck. She's strictly guy with nothing going on bait. Put it this way, I've got absolutely nothing going on and I could still get much better than her.

Arnold Schwarzenegger broke the first rule of fucking around. NEVER BOTTOM FEED!!!!

Time and time again these assholes get caught in the catfish pussy trap, Bill Clinton, Hugh Grant, Ex-mets GM and ESPN baseball analyst, Steve Phillips, Jesse James, I'm sure the list goes on and on because some horny men become stupid men and will take the convenience of fucking a skell. She's around, she's all impressed, she's easy...Boom, sex with hag. Marriage explodes, everyone knows you bang trash. Bad move. I keep repeating myself but these are the rules.

If you're gonna be a cheater, bang someone above your pay grade, to make it fun and memorable...impress yourself and day dream about your conquest and your mad skills for somehow managing to bag a hot chick.

Make shit sure she's got as much or more to lose if it were to ever be revealed.

Do it out of town, don't shit where you eat.

use a fake name, no phone # nothing real at all.

Don't cheat, Just jerk off and save yourself the trouble of having your life implode.

HOLY FUCK, CHELSEA HANDLER'S UNFUNNY SITCOM IS WORSE THAN THE CRABS SHE SHOOTS OUT HER ROTTEN COOTCH

2011-05-17T20:32:00.006-04:00

If she had just stuck to fucking dudes on tape I'd like her a whole lot better but instead she thought she was funny and there were enough stupid gay dudes and retarded cunts to enable her into an actual career being a so-called comedian. You have to watch this steaming pile of shit to truly appreciate how hackneyed and lame this asshole's garbage is. Not only is it stupid and telegraphed, awful, comedy but she's got the fucking Scientologist idiot from that 70's show playing her while she plays her own born again sister. You know it's a quality show when you have longtime male pornstar Hershal Savage playing a prison guard or cop or something. Love the canned laughter, lets me know when something was supposed to be a joke, oh wait, I get it, the whole show's a joke.

TED KNOWS BULLSHIT WHEN HE SMELLS IT

2011-05-12T14:13:00.000-04:00

I went on a slight rant last week about all the Bush war criminals coming out of the woodwork to take credit for his death and in playing up the role their use of torture had in finding Osama bin Laden. In the comments section, anonymous pointed me to Wall Street Journal op ed written by lousy ex-Bush attorney general, and criminal enabler and accessory, Michael Mukasey. Mukasey wrote a bunch of lies about how much information we got from Khalid Sheihk Muhammad after we waterboarded him 183 times. Now anyone with a working brain and the ability to read who isn't a torture apologist, knew that everything Mukasey wrote was steaming pile of bullshit. But who is calling this out more than anyone? Our old, angry, pale as a ghost, ex-torture victim and 2008 GOP presidential nominee, John McCain. Now McCain might have sold his soul a hundred times over to get the GOP nomination and to hold onto his senate seat and was reckless beyond belief when he chose Sarah Palin as his running mate but the guy knows torture and is probably the only topic that you can still trust him on.

I have sought further information from the staff of the Senate Intelligence Committee, and they confirm for me that, in fact, the best intelligence gained from a CIA detainee — information describing Abu Ahmed al-Kuwaiti’s real role in Al-Qaeda and his true relationship to Osama bin Laden — was obtained through standard, non-coercive means, not through any ‘enhanced interrogation technique.’

In short, it was not torture or cruel, inhuman, and degrading treatment of detainees that got us the major leads that ultimately enabled our intelligence community to find Osama bin Laden. I hope former Attorney General Mukasey will correct his misstatement. It’s important that he do so because we are again engaged in this important debate, with much at stake for America’s security and reputation. Each side should make its own case, but do so without making up its own facts.
So fuck you, I was right...as usual.

JON STEWART DESTROYS FOX NEWS ANTI- RAPPER BULLSHIT

2011-05-12T10:37:00.000-04:00

One day the pieces of shit that run this joke of a right wing, racist, propaganda machine will be dead and maybe, just maybe, this country can get back to the work of dealing with reality instead of searching for birth certificates, defending torture and the obviously racist, white lady crying rape in the Jim Crowe south, attacks about which scary black guy the Obama's have invited to the white house. Until then, thank God that The Daily Show and Colbert are around to show what complete idiots the jerkoffs at fox news are. It's fucking embarrassing how easy it is to skewer the dipshits on Fox. If these talking retards that call themselves journalists had any sense of the truth or any shame in being lying hacks they would all just kill themselves and make this world a much, much, better place. Seriously, Sean Hannity cannot die an awful enough death for me. Falling into a woodchipper feet first, languishing days, crushed under the weight of a building, being captured by the Taliban and repeatedly raped and fisted by Mullah Omar and a camel until his ass shits out his insides, something like that would be nice. He is truly a repugnant piece of shit.

The Daily Show
Tags: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

IT'S LIKE I ALWAYS SAY, DON'T PISS OFF CROWS

2011-05-10T13:48:00.003-04:00

I've been noticing a drastic uptick n the amount of crows living near my house. You can't miss them, they're big, they're black and they're loud as fuck. Luckily for me, a month or so ago I read an article on Cracked .com about how smart Crows are and how vengeful they are as well. Let's put it this way, if the vengeance of the Mafia is a 9, then Crows are a Caw! 10 Caw! These guys don't like getting fucked with and worse than that, they never forget a face. A study done by some bird nerds captured and released some crows. While the crows were in captivity, their captors all wore the same exact rubber face mask. After the Crows were released the bird scientists would walk around campus wearing the masks. Everytime the masks came out, the crows would mob, attack and generally try to fuck up whoever was wearing the mask. The interesting thing the scientists found out was that many of the birds attacking were never caught by the scientists. Some of the crows would stage single attacks on the mask wearers which let the scientists know that somehow the crows had communicated the facial features of who they wanted attacked but also the fact that they wanted the mask wearing douchebag dead. Another weird aspect to this story is that the crows passed on this vendetta against the mask wearers across generations. Younger crows just barely able to fly also launched solo attacks on the mask wearing masochists. What scientists have also found out about Crows and the language they use is that it warns other crows away from danger in perpetuity. Farmers who shoot a single crow in their fields often find that just the death of one Crow is enough to warn off every other crow that ever thought of landing in the same cornfield. Somehow with all that caw caw-ing, they spread the word that a particular field is to be avoided. Crows are also the only animal outside of the great apes that make and use their own tools. They bend wire and other items to use as hooks to retrieve items out of the reach of their beaks. This makes those asshole dolphins with their flips and squeeks, getting themselves caught in nets, look like fucking idiots. Now when I go outside and the crows are squawking away, I give them a tip of the hat and a wide birth. They are some badass birds and I for one don't want to get chased by every fucking crow in the universe for the rest of my life.
http://www.cracked.com/article_19042_6-terrifying-ways-crows-are-way-smarter-than-you-think.html

AS PROMISED: MORE JAPANESE GIRLS WITH BIG TITS

2011-05-09T11:37:00.003-04:00

I'm a simple man, I like my beer cold, my pasta Al Dente, my Yankees to always win and my Japanese models to have giant breasts. There's just something extra special about a buxom asian woman. It's not the norm, they're usually kind of petite and well proportioned so the Japanese gals with the big titties really make my day. I love these ladies. They're special. Wax on, wax off, me so horny, ancient Chinese secret huh No ticky no shirty, Godzilla!

GEORGE BUSH MOCKS ADHERENTS OF LINEAR TIME

2011-05-09T10:54:00.003-04:00

The torture apologists and un-American, ends justifies the means, scumbags are out in full force taking credit for shit they simply didn't do. All the Sunday talk shows were chock full of Bush clones yelling hooray for torture and boo for Obama for following the rule of law. The values of America used to mean something to Republicans but now they are just ideas to be mocked by right wing assholes. Ex- Bush chief of staff Andy Card, the genius who set up Bush's awesome "Mission Acomplished" Flightsuit debacle, said Obama is pounding his chest too much and Glenn Beck said Obama's visit to ground zero was Vulgar. Sore fucking losers. All the bullshit these awful people made up about the President went away with one well planned and executed raid. His un-American-ness and dithering, professorial, kowtowing to Islam, elitist tag went bye bye in the pull of a trigger. Obama not only went into Pakistan and had Bin Laden killed but he told everybody that he would do exactly that 3 years ago. Republicans hate it when you're not only competent but when you follow through on your promises.

Now the Bushies are all saying that it was the intelligence apparatus that they set in place that lead to Bin laden being caught and this has validity. It's not like the CIA and NSA just started hunting terrorists the day Obama became president but what the ex-Bushies fail to tell you is that when you have a president who doesn't have his secretary of defense and vice president down at CIA headquarters everyday, wasting time, pressuring analysts to make up evidence in order to attack Iraq, a lot of good things can happen. BTW, you know what else Bushes torture got the United States? A reputation for abuse which now leads our non-torturing allies to refuse to hand over terrorists that they capture for fear we will break international law. Instead of our intelligence services getting a chance to interrogate suspected jihadists, our allies keep them or in worse case scenarios, simply let them go. "...The Ontario Court of Appeal has upheld a decision to halt extradition proceedings for an alleged Al-Qaeda arms supplier, citing the extent of US human rights abuses tied to his capture in Pakistan. A 3-0 ruling by the court ruled that a Toronto judge was justified in releasing Abdullah Khadr, the older brother of the Guantanamo Bay prison camp's youngest detainee Omar Khadr. Both are Canadian. Khadr's lawyer Dennis Edney hailed what he called a "victory for the rule of law." "Evidence should be (obtained while respecting) human rights, and it was not," he told AFP...." Well done Republicans.

A PARTY OF LYING SCUMBAGS

2011-05-06T10:39:00.005-04:00

The big lie being put out right now by ex-government officials that should be in jail for war crimes and their lying, right wing scumbag enablers at Fox news and elsewhere, is that torture is what led to Osama Bin Laden being killed. Cheney, Rumsfeld and all of the Bush apologists have gone on the record to take credit for killing Bin Laden because of the fact that they tortured people 8 years ago. Eight fucking years ago. On it's face, it is ridiculous to say that any intelligence given under torture in 2003 led to Bin Laden's death in 2011. If torture had achieved anything Bin laden would have been a corpse a long time ago. But he wasn't because it didn't. Another stupid fucking lie put out there by the evil bastards that once ran this country and nearly destroyed everything it once stood for. What a shameful episode in American history. We were hijacked by right wing thugs while the so-called constitution loving, future tea bagging hypocrites cheered them on.

Why does anyone allow these incompetent, lying, criminals to get away with such bullshit? Why aren't Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld in fucking jail or at least so reviled that anything they say is dismissed out of hand? Think about this, Bush and Cheney are responsible for the worst foreign attack on American soil since the war of 1812. Don't try to pin it on Clinton. The attack happened on their watch. They were not interested in Bin Laden or Al Qaeda. They ignored all the warnings. They did absolutely nothing, NOTHING to prevent the attacks. On their watch it happened, they allowed it, they didn't stop it, they are to blame. Three thousand dead Americans on their watch. End of story. They then destroy the constitution, spy on people, torture people, arrest, imprison and deport people without trials. They then go on to attack Iraq and additionally get more than 4000 American soldiers killed. They destroy the economy with two unpaid wars, tax cuts for the wealthy and no oversight over the banks and insurance companies. Why would anyone listen to their bullshit? What's worse is the people in this country that then after all of these epic fuck ups, lost jobs, lost houses and nearly 9 thousand dead Americans, they go on to attack Obama for being a socialist and a foreigner and un-American. Bush and Cheney dismantle the constitution, commit war crimes and invade a country on false evidence but the idiots in this country that call themselves, "Christians" and "conservatives" go on to compare Obama to Hitler. It makes absolutely no sense. The only explanation for the way republicans and conservatives behave is this, they are both really fucking stupid and really fucking evil. They are both of these things, all of them. Stupid and fucking evil. Republicans like to say they are the party of personal responsibility but they take responsibility for nothing. Nothing is ever their fault. 9/11? Nope. Bill Clinton. Iraq war? Nope. Bad intelligence. Collapsed economy? Nope. Barney Frank. Climate change? Nope. Doesn't exist. These false Christians and habitual liars had better hope that there is no hell because anyone who votes for these people or defends them or believes in their ends justifies the means mentality is surely damned. Anyone who defends more tax cuts for the rich while families grow poorer and poorer will go to hell. I hope there is a reckoning. I hope there is a rapture. I guarantee you, if you have a GOP bumper sticker on your car or if you voted for Bush and Cheney and still defend them. You will be the one's left behind to live in misery through the conflagration while the tree hugging, anti-war, anti-torture, pro-choice hippies will vanish littering leftists cities with hybrid cars and footless Birkenstocks as they speed their peace loving, truth telling asses directly to heaven.

IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE

2011-05-05T14:37:00.003-04:00

One of my major issues with Facebook is the rampant narcissism I see people display without any idea that they are narcissists. I recently read a study that said most narcissists realize that they are narcissists and also understand that their friends see them as such. Some people though just don't see it or if they do won't acknowledge it publicly. Now my take on narcissism is that pretty much everyone that leads a normal life and bathes and goes out in public dressed in clean clothes and cares about how other people view them is a narcissist to some degree. Everyone sees the world through their own lens and judges things on how they effect their own lives and therefore sees the world in a slightly narcissistic way. Then there are other people like myself who like to have a little more attention payed their way. On a narcissist scale of 1-10, I'd give myself a 7.5 where the average person is a 5 or 6. I like to be the center of attention sometimes and I might aggrandize myself a bit, sometimes just for laughs but I can listen to other people, I have empathy, I don't act in totally selfish ways all the time. In other words, I can be a self absorbed prick but I can be a normal person as well. One of my finer points is being somewhat honest about myself. I can brag or come off like a know-it-all douche but I generally acknowledge this is not the best way to be all the time so I see the points of my own narcissism and try to keep a lid on my most of my bullshit. Just like a junkie can recognize a fellow user or a gay dude instinctually knows who to blow in the gym shower, this self acknowledgement of my own weakness allows me to see it in others. Now let me explain how I can spot narcissists that probably don't think they are.

Facebook is in itself a tool for narcissists. You put your pictures and ideas out there and you wait for the people you know to give you positive feedback that coincides with what you already thought about yourself; that you're super cool, unbelievably interesting and awesome looking. Facebook is to narcissists what seminary school is to pedophiles. My ongoing belief about Facebook is that it reveals more about people then you might find out speaking with someone directly. It is an id exposition machine. There are many ways in which people reveal what they're thinking and different types of posters on Facebook.

The over proud new parent. The over proud new parent because of their narcissism thinks that they are the 1st people to give birth to a cute child. They constantly push the child out into the Facebook world to show how awesome their loins are and how vacant their lives actually are. If you think your kid is the only cute one to ever spring forth into the world and constantly need approval of how awesome the baby is, there's something missing in yourself. The thing that's missing is approval. This person is a narcissist that has found the heroin or crystal meth of narcissism. A baby. It is narcissism by proxy. They don't have to actually say or do anything and people release that yummy pellet directly into their mouths. Now as a dad I always liked when strangers would stop me and say my kids were cute. It's a nice compliment and it strangely would make me, who basically had nothing to do with how cute my kids are, feel good. But I don't press the issue with my boys and never did. My boys are their own people and their failures and successes will be their own. I am proud when they do well but I don't tell the whole fucking world. The facebook parents however use their children like Sarah Palin at a Downs syndrome jamboree. These people have found out that if their baby is cute enough, people will respond and heap praise on them, time and time and time again. It's a gumball machine of approval that never runs out of candy, well at least until the kid gets too big and someone else has a cuter baby. Having children is in itself an act of narcissism. If the kid was planned, then the two people that made it got together and said, We're both fucking awesome, let's add another awesome person just like us to the planet. it's kind of the pinnacle of narcissism.

The Horoscope poster. A horoscope poster is someone that has never realized that their daily horoscope is just a written, unpersonalized, generic version of someone blowing smoke up their asses. A narcissist loves to hear just what they want to hear and the horoscope feeds that need everyday no matter how full of shit it is. Not only does this type of Facebook narcissist read their horoscope everyday, but they post it on a website thinking that their friends will actually give a shit and read what it says. What kind of person reads a made up thing about how their day will go and then thinks it's interesting enough to other people that they allow it to be posted on their wall? A narcissist that's who.

The Daily schedule poster. "Going to the Gym" "making dinner for the husband." "Reading a book." These people think their daily life is so interesting to others that they should write down every mundane detail, ahhh but the devil is in the details and this is how you really find the narcissist within. Nothing cries narcissist more than the facebook post, "Going to the gym." It's a simple message, concise, seemingly harmless but it divulges more than the poster thinks it does. What "Going to the gym." really says is, "Be impressed with me. I work out, I stay in shape. I have energy. I am strong. I love who I am. I stare at myself in the mirror and lift weights. I wear tight, revealing, gym cloths. I am better than all of you people who are just sitting around doing nothing. My ass is tight and many people want to fuck me. Seriously be impressed with me, I am going to the gym, "

The posed, professional photo with devil may care smirk for a profile picture. This one is just for my sister. A raging narcissist on par with myself with nary a clue of her narcissism.

The self LOL-er and self liker I know too many people I actually like who do this but they must stop. They write something and post that they like it which is not only lame but redundant or worse this person laughs at their own shit jokes. Weak and narcissistic all in one felled swoop. Let me laugh at your comment. If it's funny, I'll hit the like button. Or post that it's funny. Don't tell me what's funny. If you have to tell me then it's not. Thinking your own shit is funny to the point of writing LOL after it to telegraph your weak shit is Narcissistic self protection for unfunny narcissists. They narcissists so they think everything they say is awesome thus the LOL but like all narcissists they think everyone else is stupid so they write LOL to tip off all the dummies to their genius. Either way it's fucking lame.

The Munchhausen by Facebook sucker poster This is probably the most annoying of the all the Facebook narcissists. The sucker poster does this, " I hate when people lie." or "One day I'll be appreciated." or " When will it get better?" These people leave you with something cryptic in order to sucker people in to express concern. These are concern whore narcissists. Like Munchhausen syndrome, they are people that for whatever reason would rather feel pity from their Facebook friends than any other emotion. For every person they sucker into showing concern their self worth goes up. They are manipulative, utterly self obsessed crybabies. This person needs some help. They are sad and want everyone to know. But the type of person that reveals their inner sadness on a social networking site is a narcissist champion. These people think almost entirely about themselves, give absolutely nothing back to the world but their own grief and pain. The over proud parents post beautiful baby pictures for all to enjoy, the self lol-er tells lame jokes, the gym rat, daily schedule poster, shows pictures of her tight ass at the beach, but these sad sack, Munchhausen sucker posters expect others to constantly nurse, cheer and console them. They are emotional vampires and seriously disturbed people. Thanks to Facebook I not only know I am not the only self obsessed douchebag in the world, I know I'm not the most annoying one either.

WE WILL ALL SEE BIN LADEN'S JACK O' LANTERN HEAD EVENTUALLY

2011-05-05T12:25:00.004-04:00

I know there's a lot of people crying out there to see Bin Laden's head hollowed out like an apple bong but I can wait. Right now I think the smart move is to not release the photos. The news is fresh as are the wounds and crybaby emotions of his bitch followers. Let those camel fucking pussies calm down a little, get used to their gay master being dead and then when they least expect it...BOOM! Bin Laden's bowling ball brain hole headshot for all to see. I guarantee that a picture of this dead motherfucker will be released sooner or later. There will continue to be an outcry, the assholes will keep bitching about the photo and a conspiracy and Bin Laden not being dead and all that other crap and then Obama will act like he tried to prevent this from happening , but if everyone must see it, then so be it. He will, in order to put the nonsense to rest, release of the photos thus keeping fresh in everyone's mind that it was he, Barak Obama who brought Bin Laden to justice while retaining the appearance of being above the fray and not"spiking the ball" or taking a victory lap. He will keep this awesome deed in the news cycle longer which is good for him politically and make it seem like he is above it all at the same time. So sooner or later the pictures will come out. They will be released at the behest of the Prez officially or by some anonymous leaker who is in no way associated with the Prez...wink, wink.

HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW MUTHAFUCKAS?

2011-05-04T12:34:00.002-04:00

This country doesn't deserve this President. This country is a global embarrassment. In no other country would you take a guy like Obama and try to destroy him and heap such derision upon the person he is. Every time I talk to someone who bad mouths him I literally pick a fight with them. I tell them the exact truth, I say "You're too fucking stupid, and too fucking racist to know anything." I say this because 95% of the bad stuff people say about him is just flat out right wing, Fox news bullshit and outright lies. The complaints about Obama are never based on fact, they never say, he should have thrown the bankers and wall street fucks in jail, they always spout the dumbest shit imaginable. He's a socialist, he's a muslim, he hates this country, he wants to give all our money to poor blacks, he raised my taxes. All utter bullshit. Now obviously I haven't liked everything the man has done but I would never heap scorn upon his wife, his color, his backround, his education, his birth, the way the fucking idiot dunces in this country have.

Obama is the adult in Washington, he's smart as fuck and cold and calculating in his pragmatism. He'll take the deal instead of the all out win. It's hard on me and people like myself who want to see him kick the right wing rodeo clowns Boehner, Cantor, Bachmann and McConnell out of his fucking oval office with big shoe prints on their stupid asses. But he's too smart for that. He let's assholes cut their own throats time and time again. He let's all the republican morons have all the time they want to fuck themselves. Keep talking Palin, keep being crazy Bachmann, Release a budget? No, you go first Rep. Ryan. Whoa, Really Congressman Ryan? dismantle Meidcare and kill old people? That's pretty crazy. Now here's my budget where old people get to live. He sees the playing field 10 steps ahead of everyone else and puts up with unbelievable amounts of stupidity and disrespect along the way until blam! He pops up with a little something called Bin Laden carpaccio . Oh, I'm not american enough? I won't defend this country? I dither? Here's Osama bitches, now eat my steaming pile of shit.

Who else could have carved up a raging douchebag like Donald Trump with a smile on Saturday and delivered Osama on a slab on Sunday? I know a lot of stupid assholes who now will have a grudging respect for the guy. Get the gas prices down and some more jobs and some of the idiots might even like him, but for right now, a grudging respect from dipshits will have to do.

THE PHOENIX HAS RISEN

2011-05-04T12:02:00.004-04:00

From my own ashes I arise. In a blistering cataclysm I spread my fiery wings to soar, to reach new heights and take a giant shit on people's heads. I, like Obama, have found a new groove. I'm feeling funkadelic. I'm back to kick ass and take names and be throughly unlikable. I will post the profane and the profound. I will be prescient and prodigious. I will post giant Japanese titty pictures, I will discuss my favorite pieces of ass. I will publicly lust after big, giant, breasts and luscious, round, asses. I am a man, and I will not apologize for the shit I like. I will obsess about my hatred for Sarah Palin, I will continue to be narcissistic and refer to myself in a grandiose fashion and in the 3rd person. I will continue to call out conservatives and republicans for what they are, cheap ignorant, uneducated, over religious, hypocritical, racists. I will brag about my drinking like a 15 year old. I will tell tales about milfs I know that want to fuck me. I will expunge the angst and searing hatred I have for all things stupid. I will rock the nuts off these internets. I will be diligent about posting more than once everyday, even if it's just a link to something else I will be a hard worker and make people love me again. I will be the master of the factor the king of of thie blogging world. I am the velvet glove over the iron fist that goes up the ass of America. I am back.

LOU SARAH (SARAH PALIN) ... THE LOU IS SHORT FOR LOSER

2011-02-22T11:26:00.006-05:00

Big surprise, more proof that the snowdrift grifter, klondike Kardashian, caribou Barbie...Sarah Palin, is just a seriously pathetic clown. We all knew she was a juvenile moron but this is just sad. This is her secret facebook page under the name Lou Sarah. Under the guise of "Lou" she favorites, comments and recommends things on her official Sarah Palin facebook page. As in, Sarah Palin writes about how much she hates Obamacare and then Lou Sarah goes and gives it a thumbs up. Loser. But poor Lou isn't as popular as dipshit Sarah, Lou only has 12 friends and one of them is her dad Chuck Heath, none of them are her children but she likes her retarded whore daughter, Bristol's dancing with the stars page. This revelation is only the latest in a really rough winter for the yukon conwoman.

Aside from the fact that she was accused of being a party to a congresswoman getting her head shot off and then blaming the attention on a media blood libel. There's been a ton of other fun stuff going on in the blogosphere about this idiot. First off, her husband, Todd the Rod, was caught fucking some whore/ masseuse named Shailey Tripp from Anchorage. The national enquirer had the story first but the blogs really followed up on it interviewing Tripp who not only revealed the 6 or more times she let the first dude plow her driveway, but that he pimped her out to his buddies. She also revealed that she met Todd by way of one of the Palin kids when she was a substitute teacher. She also revealed that she actually gave Lou Sarah a message once.

This was in the winter or early spring of 2008. As part of the routine for giving a woman a message, she asked the former governor before the message if she was pregnant. Sarah said no, and lied face down on the table. She later had the hooker/masseuse message her abdomen because it was sore. Tripp noticed no signs of pregnancy and would not have messaged a pregnant woman's abdomen. Why is this important? because 3 months later Sarah Palin supposedly had a baby/ prop with downs syndrome. Good stuff.

The other foot that has recently dropped on the head of the You Betcha bimbo is the manuscript

for an upcoming book from a former staffer Frank Bailey who became disillusioned with his Wasilla beauty queen after realizing what a thin skinned, mean spirited, petty, dishonest, unqualified, childish, selfish, lying unethical louse she really was. His book is based on over 60,000 e-mails between himself, Sarah and Todd Palin From before she was governor to when she resigned. The manuscript was leaked and distributed to blogs all over the country and it's contents have been widely reported on. It doesn't make Sarah or Todd look very good and blows up every myth of her celebrity. It does not get into the faked baby stories. Bailey believed Trig was her baby even though he didn't know she was pregnant until she announced it in her 7th month and only saw a baby bump once. that seems pretty normal. Anyway, Sarah has been getting hammered lately and I have to say I fucking love it. There is nothing like watching a mean, stupid and dishonest person destroy themself.

There is supposedly more bad news coming soon. In may, Alaska will finally unveil all of her e-mails while she was governor. There should be plenty of grifter goodness in those. That's all well and good but I really can't wait for the day when just who actually gave birth to Trig is definitively revealed . It might have been Sarah, she's an unhinged, insane person with an almost pathological need to deceive and lie so maybe she hid her pregnancy from everyone for almost 8 months because she's just nuts, anything with her is possible, but maybe, just maybe, all the rumors swirling around Alaska for years are true and that kid is someone else's. Nothing would make me happier than finding out that the prop she has lugged around from one book signing and tea party rally to another like bubbles the pro-life chimp is someone else's and her whole, I'm so special because I didn't abort my son stories are all based on a huge, off the wall, fucking lie. That would be the icing on the cake. I know how nuts the whole faked pregnancy story is but if anyone would do it, it's her. Now as many an anti Sarah Palin blogger has asked in the past, just release Trig's birth certificate and this nonsense will end. Prove all the Trig truthers to be conspiratorial idiots. You know how combative she is, you would think she would have loved shutting up all of her critics with one, simple, press release. Boom, here's his certificate, shut the fuck up assholes. For whatever reason she never did. Now I know this sounds stupid but rumors about Trig's birth were swirling around Alaska for months before she was ever picked to be McCain's running mate. When she was first chosen the rumors were rampant almost to the point of blowing up her vice presidential slot. The only thing that put an end to them was not a simple press release showing the birth certificate which you would think the McCain campaign would have done, but the revelation that Bristol was pregnant. All the stories jumped from faked pregnancy to Bristol, who many people thought was the real mother of Trig. That story died when they said she was too far along with this pregnancy to have been mother to both children. Now I don't know what the real story is and why Sarah hid her pregnancy until almost the moment of Trig's birth. he's a fucked up bitch and fucked up bitches do fucked up things. Read this shit.

http://wonkette.com/438825/is-sarah-palin-commenting-on-her-own-facebook-fan-page#more-438825

http://theimmoralminority.blogspot.com/2011/02/finished.html

HOW ABOUT THIS FOR AN ICE BREAKER?

2011-02-21T15:58:00.003-05:00

That's Lindsey Lohan's ass. My God I want me some of that crazy drug addicted poon. Sorry I've been away but I've been away toppling regimes all over the middle east. Let me tell you something, Egypt, Tunisia, Libya...they don't have girls like this. They have girls with asses like that and they wear panties like that but when they bend over there's a wookie poking out of their panties. Hairy. Anyway. Sorry I've been a bad blogger but shutting down oppressive regimes and fighting union busting facist cunts in Wisconsin is hard muthafuckin' work. I'd like to just talk about Lindsey's beautiful panty ass but everything going on in this country has gotten me fed up. The Republicans did their best to destroy the US under George Bush and they're officially trying to finish the Job under Obama.

This will soon be a corporate autocracy with no education, no health care, no decent jobs for anyone but the wealthy. You'll be pledging allegiance to a consortium. I was warned about this back in 1985 by a wise man. He said Reagan and his cronies want to destroy the middle class take away their education and keep them ignorant and compliant by always giving them a straw man to hate, be it muslims, blacks, gays, mexicans...what-have-you. All of this in order to have a cheap supply of labor without having to move your company abroad, like the good ol' days before unions. This very smart teacher I had said they will slowly dismantle everything done by FDR and unions. From benefits to education to health care to wages they want this country broken. It will be America for the wealthy with everyone else just a peasant. That retarded cock Reagan set the groundwork for the dismantling of this country, George Bush, Fox news and the supreme court and every republican tea bagging corporate tool are doing the rest. I can only hope for the day when the poor white assholes in this country wake up, stop worshiping God and take out their arsenal and attack the people that really deserve it. I'll have faith in this country again when the first bank CEO is either thrown in jail or gets a package unabomber style. The unabomber is starting to look less and less crazy to me now. Until then, bye bye America.

HOME AND DRUNK IN THE NEVER ENDING SNOW

2011-02-04T00:50:00.003-05:00

I've been blowing off all writing because i'm too fucking busy shoveling shit off my house, my driveway, my gutters, my roof, my walkways, my front door, my cars, my garage and my asscrack. You name it, I've been shoveling it or hacking at it with a hatchet or throwing ice melt on it or trying to figure out a way to keep myself sane amidst 20 snow days for the kids. I literally want to blow my head off. Not so much because of the weather, which has been rough but I'm a tough guy. I laugh at the snow bitch, mother nature, bring more of that white shit you sloppy weather cooze. I don't care, I'll tunnel through your snowy blizzard vag and stick my shovel up your sleet, and freezing rain, cock asshole. No, I'm fucking spent from having my kids around all the time and the need to constantly keep my house from being destroyed by that weather whore.. I'm fed up with a lot of shit.

The jets killed the only thing I had to enjoy myself in the throws of this wintery onslaught. Seriously, after the jets bitched out and played half a game against a shitty team lead by a rapist that will get smoked in the Superbowl, the only thing I had left to do is drinking, fucking and shovel ice and snow off of all of my stuff. Now drinking and fucking sounds fun except for 2 things A) my kids are home 24/7 because the schools can't open because it never stops snowing. B) My wife works 1000 hours a week and no longer needs me in any capacity outside of father and handyman. Sucks for me. Don't get me wrong, she loves me like crazy because i'm so awesomely funny, charming and good looking but we're both fucking exhausted. Even if we wanted to fuck 24/7 we'd both pass out before the 1st kiss. She did buy a new bra last week which sent me into boobgasms but that's a private matter but today I yelled to her up the stairs, " I'm going to the store." She yelled down, "will you get me some mint chocolate chip ice cream?" I said, "Will you blow me?" She laughed and said, "of course." I said," How many gallons do you want?" Now the funny thing about this story is that she was impressed at how fast I said, "will you blow me?" She not only thought it was funny but admired my speed. Now that's a keeper. What a women. But back to this god awful shit storm of fuckhell.

I am bone weary of raking, shoveling and hacking away at my driveway, roof and cars. I was on a ladder this morning at 7:00am in the 15 degree weather hitting the ice damns on my roof with a hatchet to create a spillway for the melted water to get off my roof. I have had for the last month almost a steady 2 1/2 feet of snow melting at any given time down into my gutters which have long since been pluggged up with solid blocks of ice. The roof snow melts, pours down to the gutters but can't flow over the ice damns and can slowly causes drips inside of windows along walls, ceilings, and pipes. I've had a couple of issues but for the most part have been lucky enough but to stay lucky I go and hack away at the two feet thick ice damns to alleviate any standing water on the roof. Planting a ladder into three feet of snow against an icy gutter makes you feel somewhat insecure, hacking away with a hatchet as freezing ice shards fly into your face is not fun. Combine the two and you have the makings of a shitty morning. I came into my house after draining and clearing away frozen ice and water trapped under two feet of roof snow clothed like a white, frozen statue . All the hacking with a hatchet had ice clinging to both my hair and my face and my fingers were a cramped, blackish blue, gnarl of a fist. My right shoulder and hands were simply worn out. I couldn't hack away at any more ice or rake away another layer of ice and snow. My hands could no longer hold onto anything.. It's been a rough winter but I'll still fuck this mother bitch up, I can kick mother nature's whore ass back to the top of mount olympus or Mount whorebag or mount chlamydia ... She can run but she can't hide, spring will come and I will fucking ravage her. Just as Hades owns Persephone's ass I will take my rightful place among the pantheon of gods and fuck shit up, I will piss outside on mother natures precious, green, spring, face a hundred times. Watch out bitch!. I'm gonna go mythological on your dirty winter ass.

FUCK THE JETS

2011-01-24T08:58:00.003-05:00

I'm so fucking disgusted by this so-called team I've pointlessly rooted for since I was 12 that I've officially quit giving a shit about them. They are dead to me. I will not watch a single game of theirs again. Fool me once shame on you, fool me 32 times, I'm a fucking dumb cunt. Not anymore. I piss on these assholes. I piss on their poor tackling, I piss on the coach that didn't have them properly motivated for a huge game. I piss on the offensive coordinator who wasted the entire 4th quarter and couldn't score from the 2 yard line. I piss on the defense, I piss on the years of failures heaped upon failures. I piss on them for being the 6th seed and getting no playoff games at home. I am now officially out of piss. I have no faith that anyone wearing the green and white will ever do what they are supposed to do which is win it all. If you're a professional team, and I use that term lightly, and you always lose the big game then why the fuck am I watching? Rex Ryan should stop kissing his players asses and try getting them ready to play every team, not just the one's that are "personal." I'm sick from this loss which pisses me off further because it's so stupid and pointless to care so much a bout a team that has given me nothing but misery since I've watched them. They have finally put the stake in the heart of my optimism. I bury these perennial, also ran, cocksuckers. I disavow and disown them. They are dead to me.

JETS STEELERS GAME, "CAN'T WAIT!"

2011-01-21T12:43:00.002-05:00

I've spent a lot of the last week shoveling ice and snow but mostly I've been watching the pundits on the NFL network have a collective circle jerk while discussing how awesome the Pittsburgh Steelers are. Now I understand the respect they get payed, Their rapist quarterback is one tough motherfucker who when he isn't sexually assaulting young women in bathrooms with the assistance of off duty cops, he's been winning Superbowls...two of them to be exact. The Pittsburgh Steelers are a tough team, their quarterback is tough, their linebackers are tough and their crazy haired, kick ass safety Troy Polamolu is wayyy tough.

Big Ben can get away from trouble and make big plays with his arm and his feet, their running back Rashard Mendenhall rushed for over 1200 yards while the defense only gave up an average of 60 yards on the ground all season. They are a good team and they are playing at home so therefore they will beat the Jets right? Well maybe but probably wrong. And I'll tell you why.

The last time the Jets and Steelers met Troy Polamulu didn't play and the Jets ran for 106 yards. Not great, but enough to keep the jets on the field and Big Ben off. It also set up play action passes and toward the fourth quarter the Jets were winning and starting to dominate on the line of scrimmage. I know Troy is one of the best players in the league but he hasn't practiced all week due to a bad Achilles tendon. Try tackling a big running back or a big tight end 20 to 30 times when your Achilles is fucked up, the guy might be a menace but in last weeks Steelers Ravens game Ray Rice juked him out of his curly locks for a touchdown. He doesn't look the same when he's not healthy. Troy is a badass but he's not perfect. Run over his way a few times and get his shit barking. Show him you're not afraid. Make him cover Dustin Keller see who wins those battles in the 3rd and 4th quarter. Even if you lose yards don't avoid the guy, crush him.

Another problem for the Steelers, their offensive line is banged up. The Jets defensive coaches seem to finally have figured out the right way to use this defense. They confused the shit out of Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. They made Brady have to look away from his 1st read and they took advantage with the extra time to sack him 5 times. Now Brady isn't as mobile as Roethlisberger but his offensive line is much better. If the Jets got Brady 5 times they can pressure Ben and his hurting O line much more. Also, I don't know how smart Ben is but he's no Manning. And they confused and bewildered probably the best reader of defenses in the game. Ben might take a hit better than Manning and he scrambles better and he's harder to take down but he also fumbles...a lot. He doesn't take care of the ball well and if the Jets can pressure him enough he will cough it up either by being careless and fumbling or just chucking it down field. With the Jets playing so many nickel and dime packages I see the chance for some picks.

The Steelers only beat one winning team all year, the Ravens. The Jets didn't crush winning teams either, they Beat the Steelers, the Patriots and the Colts but lost to the Ravens, the Packers and the Bears but all were close games. The Steelers always beat the Ravens and if you watched last weeks game, you might have noticed that the Ravens pretty much beat themselves. They don't take care of the ball, they pissed away a big lead and they dropped easy catches, one of them for a touchdown. All the same football pundits who love the Steelers and don't give the Jets much of a chance, also love the Ravens big Quarterback Joe Flacco. They seem to forget that he's not so great on the road and he isn't too clutch. He might have more physical skill and be a more prototypical quarterback, but Mark Sanchez has proved that he's pretty good in a big spot on the road.

This game will be a slugfest but a slugfest is sometimes won by the team with more on the line. After four decades of futility, the Jets are simply more hungry for the win. I also believe they are more loaded offensively than the Steelers are. I think the Jets will make enough big plays on offense, defense and special teams. If they hold onto the ball and don't have any huge mistakes they will do enough to shock all the so-called experts, pull out a huge road win and put themselves into the Superbowl for the 1st time in 42 years. I pray to God that I'm right. Jets 28-Steelers 24. On Monday I hope to be planning for a trip to Dallas. J-E-T-S JETS! JETS! JETS!

...And the Home of the...JETS! Prove me right boys.

JOHN STEWART TELLS THE PATS WHAT TO DO

2011-01-19T10:24:00.003-05:00

FUCK YES!!!

2011-01-17T11:06:00.004-05:00

I ate that sweet revenge meal with gusto. The Jets fucked those Chowder sucking fucks right up their douche asses and then pissed on their field and marked it as their own. Brady corner is now Santonio Holmes corner. The coach that left them with a note on a napkin...dead. The Quarterback that taunted them...dead. The consecutive pass record with no interceptions...dead. The 30 plus points in how many games in a row...dead. The 14-2, 2010 Patriots...DEAD. Burn in hell fuckheads. I worried and fretted and cursed throughout this game but in reality the jets booted these bitches around like a pimp smacks down a crack whore and beat them from pillar to post. The jets should have won by 21. If David Harris could run faster than a 300 pound Alge Crumpler the Jets would have run away with this game.

I called this one for the Jets 27-24 so I was close. The jets didn't blitz as much as I thought they would but they sacked Brady 5 times and had him shitting in his Broadway musical, wine and cheese party designer jeans. His eyes were spinning and he was feeling footsteps like a pretty boy pussy. He's a great quarterback but rattle him a bit and he folds like gay laundry.

And I don't want to hear about Joe Flacco or Matty ice from Atlanta anymore fucking frauds, Mark Sanchez might drive me to drink sometimes and is innacurate as hell at times but he has come up big on the road in very difficult spots. He's impressed me so far and if the Jets can somehow beat Pittsburgh for the 2nd time on the road this year then Mark Sanchez gets put up in the ranks with the big boys and will have more than earned it.

My favorite part of the game was Shonn Green doing the rockabye baby after scoring a touchdown to put the jets up 28-14. He told those wicked cock licking asshole douchebag front running spoiled brat fans in Massachusetts that it was bedtime for the Pats. Nighty night assholes. This win was so fucking sweet, so beautiful, so unlike the Jets of old, to win this game was truly wonderful. Total catharsis, all Jets fans collective Patriot, Bill Belichick Tom Brady demons slain forever. There's a new bully on the AFC east block and he wears the Green and white and he hails from New York. He will talk shit and then make you eat it. It's Tyrannosaurus Rex and the fucking Jets. Suck it new England. If Rex Ryan gets the Jets to a Super bowl and pulls out a win then he is the greatest coach to ever live. Lets get this shit done!

Watch Green put the Pats to bed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yamAnuH9I0k&feature=player_embedded

KIM KARDASHIAN: POSTER GIRL FOR " I WILL NEVER EVER GET ENOUGH ATTENTION DISEASE"

2011-01-14T13:38:00.002-05:00

If having a reality show and a porn tape aren't enough Kim continues to tweet pictures of herself exposing her massive and beautiful breasts. Very nice now go away and release a 2nd porno because seriously, that's the only interesting thing you did. Now go. Go find some dicks to suck and someone to tape it, maybe your pimp mom, ok go... that's a good girl. Bye Bye. Next time i see you I want you to be getting dp'd.

WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE FOR A PASS RUSHING WOOKIE

2011-01-14T10:24:00.002-05:00

Jets Pats this Sunday and I wants me some revenge! They were actually going to name Return of the Jedi, Revenge of the Jedi but then George Lucas kind of remembered that Jedi's don't give into dark thoughts like revenge. That would be like giving in to the dark side. Well I ain't no fucking Jedi and I wear my dark side on my sleeve. I want me some of that sweet, Tom Brady with a broken leg on the 1st play revenge. Actually I'll take my revenge cold style. Just kick the shit out of Tom the whole game until he walks of the field at the end at the losing end of a playoff game. Now I don't think the jets have much of a chance to beat the Pats, I think they're just too good offensively but shit, it's a game, anything can and will happen. Who thought the Seahawks would beat the Saints?

So what are the keys to the game? The Jets have to score more than the Patriots do so they should really try to do that while limiting the amount of points the Pats score. There you go I broke it down like a pro.

Realistically the Jets have to do two things.

1) play well on offense. Run and run well. Make gigantic fat man Vince Wolfork run side to side wear that 400 blob of shit down. don't make it easy on him running right up the gut, a little off tackle left a little off tackle right a little pass a little off tackle right a pass a run on the outside a pass a run off to the left side. Just hammer the fuck out of their line and wear them down. Make the young Patriots safety's and cornerbacks commit to run stopping and whack those little bitches in the mouth too. Make them so tired of getting hit that by the 4th quarter they just say, enough man. And while they keep coming up to run stop do a little play action and flop a few passes over their heads. Wear them the fuck out. But for this to work the jets have to pick up 2) 1st downs, keep the chains moving and keep the score within reach. get enough yards on 1st and 2nd downs so that 3rd down is makable. That's the best way of keeping Brady off the goddamn field.

Now to stop the Brady offensive? Good fucking luck, they are loaded. The main things the Jets have to do is confuse Brady just enough that his reads aren't so fast and he misses some passes and it takes that extra second or two to get rid of the ball and maybe he takes a few more hits than he would like to. The Jets have to blitz him, not so much to get sacks but to keep him guessing where it's coming from and to make the Pats have to keep their running backs and 1 tight end in to defend against the blitz. If the Pats have to max protect on every passing down, they won't have guys roaming free all over the place, then it becomes more of a 3 on 3 type battle with the jets two corners on the pats wide receivers and a safety on the other tight end. Now the pats will just try to run the ball and call quick slants to get the ball off. And that's what will happen so the jets have to cover well and get off blocks and tackle well. Easy as pie.

I say the pats are taking this game kind of lightly and they are believing their own hype. The jets were humiliated 45-3 last time and that will be fresh in their heads, they will come out ready to kill the Pats. I'm calling a miracle Jets win on this one. The jets will pull it out in the fourth quarter 27-24.

SORRY ASSHOLES, THIS IS TOTALLY NORMAL BECAUSE I'M GAY

2011-01-11T15:13:00.004-05:00

Stephanie Seymour's son cleared the air the other day by explaining that making out with your mom, feeling her tits and having her fix your Johnson is perfectly acceptable if your gay, which he is....................................................................big time.

"I would just like to say that these pictures have been taken completely out of context, my mother and i are very close as she is with all her children. she often hugs and kisses me and my siblings in an manner that is intimate, any mother in the world does the same. that day on the beach we walked around with each other completely aware of the presence of photographers there. We have nothing to hide and with that in mind I would like to say that I am openly gay. At my age my mother and I are almost like friends and I feel open to talk to her about anything (and yes our relationship may be different because of my sexuality)."

See that explains it. But being somewhat of a Freudian, I do believe that some homosexuality can come forward more from nurture than nature and when I see a 17 year old acting like he wants to marry his mommy I see some weirdness going on. Freud believed that we were all born bisexual and that relationships then determined which way we swung. He did not perceive being gay as a neurosis or as a mental disorder he just viewed it as a result of certain stimuli. An arrested development that led to an overly close relationship with mommy. He believed that one of the contributing factors of homosexuality was an overly involved, over bearing mothers. My mom left me alone and payed scant attention to me that's why I'm a loudmouth and love pussy. This kid makes out with his mom and chugs kegs of cock. I don't know. I just wanna bang this gay kids mom before he puts his gay dick in her.

OLIVIA MUNN'S SNAPPER BARELY COVERED BY DOILY

2011-01-10T22:07:00.002-05:00

I am so pro on the almost showing your vagina question it isn't even funny. I hope this raging debate will continue and Olivia Munn's obvious comfort with showing most of her Munn is truly inspiring. It's almost as if she's admitting that yes, I am an actress or in other words, a total whore. I would take those panties, use them as a strainer for a hearty broth and then fuck the shit out of that sweet pussy soup. Is that weird? Dirty? Who cares...not Olivia. She knows what she's selling you can see it in her, "I'm showing my beautiful bald snapper on the cover of a magazine," shit eating grin. What a woman. What a pair of panties. That's a good cover.

In other Maxim related news, I gotta check out the article about the 57 best beers that will solve all my problems. I hope there's an Olivia Munn boiled panties ale cause I'd drink the shit out of that beer.

DON'T BLAME SARAH...THIS TIME

2011-01-10T10:08:00.006-05:00

Just because Sarah Palin puts a cross hair over your district and constantly speaks in violent metaphor, "don't retreat, reload!" and you run against a man who uses images of himself holding an M-16 for political gain and encourages his tea party activist buddies to bring their guns to politcal rallies, Last summer, Ms. Giffords’s Republican opponent, Jesse Kelly, had a campaign event in which voters were invited to “shoot a fully automatic M-16” with him to symbolize his assault on her campaign." Just because you want your minions to symbolically shoot her doesn't mean they are to blame for the actual shooting of Congresswoman Giffords. It just means that they lucked out that this particular violent freak that shot the congresswoman and killed six others was just as likely shooting her to satisfy his belief in the government taking over our minds through grammar as he was to please right wing idiots like Beck and Palin.

I do not blame Sarah Palin for this, I wish I could because she's a fucking idiot that is careless with her words. She's a demagogue with an inability to foresee that something like this could happen and then even though she might have nothing to do with it, be blamed anyway. People have been cautioning her since the McCain campaign to calm down her vitriolic rhetoric. The secret service claimed that after she started saying Obama palled around with terrorists death threats from right wing, white supremacist groups spiked dramatically. Bill Clinton said it best a few months ago, "Their words fall on the stable and the unstable alike." Soon after the shootings on saturday Palin's people were scrubbing her site of the target map. Talk about a guilty conscience. Oops, maybe those crosshairs weren"t the greatest idea. Get rid of them, no one will remember. Then when asked about the map, her on-line guru said it wasn't gun targets on the map they were surveyor cross hairs like you see on lots of maps. ? Now of course there is video of Palin saying they've put these targeted districts in their sites, in their cross hairs and they're gonna take aim and all the other dumb shit she says. The whole idea behind blaming Sarah Palin and others of her ilk, the raging conspiracy theorist assholes like Beck, the birther idiots, the Sharon Angle Michele Bachmann candidates that call for 2nd amendment remedies to a health care law is because when you have a public microphone you have to be careful and these people aren't they are dangerous and speak to the less than nimble minded in our gun happy society. Sooner or later someone was gonna try to rid us of this oppression and take out our tyrannical leader or one of his commie, socialist, facist, evil, congressional minions. Unfiltered Crazy and stupid words from stupid people blasted across the airwaves and the internet and the GOP and Fox news stoked this idiocy and buffeted and promoted the Tea Party that traffics in all this garbage. Six people are dead 20 wounded and there's a good chance the twisted bitch that did it wasn't a tea partier, or a Palinite or a Glenn Beck devotee. Not this time anyway.

WOW! JETS BEAT COLTS...TED GETS DRUNK!

2011-01-09T18:29:00.003-05:00

Had fun watching the jets not fuck up. Sanchez blew and couldn't hit the side of a barn but the jets running game did what I wanted, they pounded the ball right up the gut and kept Peyton sitting on his ass. The secondary only got torched for 1 touchdown and the safeties played very well especially against the run. It was interesting to see how the Jets enticed Manning to run and not pass by only leaving 5 men in the box and they still managed to stuff the run when they needed to. Darelle Revis only gave up 1 catch for 1 yard. Wasn't too happy about the defense letting the Colts march down the field to score the go ahead field goal with a minute left. Good defenses don't allow that shit to happen.

I drove down to long island in a snow squall and met with a gal pal at one of my old watering holes. Then we went over to one of my old bartender companions houses and watched the game with about ten guys. I of course was acting like a crazy person wishing eye rape against people but in the end all my screaming and offensive language worked. Now all the jets have to do is beat the ridiculously good Patriots on the road. The patriots offense is the best I've seen since the 1980's 49er teams. It's basically impossible to stop but the Packers, Ravens and the Colts almost beat them so the Jets need to study those games to see what those teams did right. The jets should do pretty much what they did last night, run, run, run and more run and then when there's 9 guys in box on every play dink and dunk your way down the field and score touchdowns. Kill the clock and keep that Brady freak off the goddamn field. On defense, play more nickel and dime packages, bend but don't break. Blitz less frequently but make them count and if you get a chance to hit Brady hit him like he just smacked your mom, hit him so hard that he can't get up. I can only cross my fingers. Again i say the jets will lose 28-21 I hope I'm wrong, beating the patriots would be so awesome, I'd jizz in my pants.

SUPER MODEL STEPHANIE SEYMOUR IS STILL CRAZY HOT AND PROBABLY FUCKING HER KID

2011-01-07T23:19:00.004-05:00

The strange, crazy, feelings that boy must have. My mom never looked like that, nor did she fix my trunks for me when I was 17 nor did she actually go swimming with me when I was 17 and I definitely did not sprout wood around her. I never ever touch her wet, post swimming, breasts either, even when I was a baby my mother had a strict no touching the goods policy, she was old school Irish Catholic, breast feeding was a mortal sin. Not to be overly Oedipal but if she was my mom I'd definitely have to poke around my old pre-natal stomping grounds, I'm not saying I'd have sex with her because that's kind of sick but maybe a mother son fingerbang or a little game of "just the tip". I'd give her a nice mother son message and then just kind of reach under the rug and give the old double knuckle sandwich. See how she reacts then just take it from there.

I recently took the family into manhattan to go ice skating in central park and my two girl friends said, "oh did you see Stephanie Seymour out there with her son?" I said, "Was she wearing one of those stupid open hearts necklaces?" They said, "That's Jane Seymour, Dr. Quinn medicine woman, you idiot, Stephanie Seymour, the super model is out there." I dropped my kid and ran to find her but she was no longer around. I missed my one chance to watch her have sex with her son. I guess I'll just wait for the home video to be leaked. Damn she's still crazy hot. That's one lucky kid.

OH NO! JETS AND COLTS...AGAIN!

2011-01-07T10:27:00.002-05:00

The fucking Tennessee Titans fucked me good. The Colts had fumbled with under two minutes left in the last game of the year. The Titans just need to pick up 15 yards and kick a field goal end the game and the jets would be traveling to Kansas city this weekend. Instead, the Titans fucking asshole, washed up, jerkoff, quarterback Kerry Collins, fumbles a snap and loses the ball. Peyton Manning marches right down the field, Colts kick a field goal, game over, Jets have to head to Indy.

Now thanks to Kerry Collins I have to watch my shitty, porous, pass defense try to stop the greatest quarterback of the last 20 years. The Jets will get shredded as they always do by anyone with a good arm. It's amazing to me, The Jets have a shutdown corner in Darelle Revis, he always blankets the oppositions best receiver yet the rest of the Jets pass defense always gets torched. Over the middle for 15 yards to tight ends, 10 yard check downs to uncovered running backs, slot receivers run amok. Third and long? Don't worry, someone will be open right at the first down marker. The Jets blitzes never get there. The jets have no pass rush, their linebackers can't cover anyone, their nickel backs blow, their safeties suck and Antonio Cromartie, who has picked Manning a bunch, is inconsistent. The Jets are the only team I see that never seem to recognize a screen pass. When the quarterback is wide open to be hit, that's a pretty sure sign that it's a screen pass. The jets never seem to recognize this and get killed on screen passes. The Colts also do one yard hitch passes that go for 25 yeards. A receiver steps out a yard, Peyton zips the ball to him, he makes a linebacker miss and he's gone. Rex Ryan's defenses have never beaten Peyton Manning. It's a fucking disgrace. Peyton Vs. the Jets, it's a recipe for fucking disaster.

The only way the jets win this game is Turnovers, Special teams, time management and points. They can't settle for field goals when they're inside the 20, they must score touchdowns. Sanchez has to be accurate and smart and Shonn Green has to run like a downhill freight train. Kill the clock, wear down the Colts D, score points. The Jets D has to get off the field when it's third and long. No more of this giving up a 1st down when it was 3rd and 24. If I see that shit, I'll kick the fucking TV in. My prediction, Colts 31, Jets 27. I hope I'm wrong. Let's go Jets!

I will be traveling to Long Island to watch and be miserable with fellow Jets Fans plus my wife hates when I watch the jets because all I do is curse and wish cancer and plane crashes on everyone. I'm a bad example for my sons so lately I've been banished.

EVERYTHING I LIKE IN THE WORLD IN ONE OLD BAR

2011-01-05T12:49:00.003-05:00

I mentioned the other day that last Thursday I had a couple of beers in New York's Oldest continuously opened bar, McSorley's. It was so wonderful I never wanted to leave. Seriously. I could have sat there for hour after hour, drinking the house beer and eating corned beef sandwiches and it would have been like heaven. When I got there the other day it was perfect. It was around 3:30 in the afternoon, it was a little cold outside and the city had been crowded with holiday season tourists but there weren't many people hanging around outside the bar, that was a very good sign. When I opened the old doors and saw that the bar wasn't crowded I was quite joyous. The old bar had the bright winter sun pouring in on it's ancient sawdust covered wood floors and there was even an empty table right near the old wood stove. I must be dreaming I thought. I went up to the bar without the usual 4 deep jog jam and ordered 4 dark beers from the wise ass bartender. We sat down and I pointed out the points of interest to my wife's cousin, a no good bar having resident of cape cod. We sat for only a few minutes drinking our delicious small draft beers while we warmed up by the fire. It would have been great to stay and stay and stay but my companion isn't a big beer drinker and was starving for Italian food. Those two things don't work so well in Mcsorleys. So although I was in my glory, I had to be a good NYC tour guide and leave. The bar did have an effect on my guest though and after eating our italian food a few blocks away she wanted to go back. We walked back up 7th street and although we'd only been gone about 40 minutes a full line of 25 people stood out on the street waiting to get in. We had missed out window and I was sad.

A few days later I was talking to a friend of mine and I told him, "The next time I go into Manhattan, I'm going to McSorley's around 10:30 or 11:00 am grabbing a table and drinking for the next 12 hours. He said, "I'm coming with you." That's good, I'll need someone to watch the table when I get up to whiz. All others are welcome to join me.

WHEN DOUCHEBAGS GO ASIAN

2011-01-04T09:58:00.005-05:00

I came across this blog http://hanzismatter.blogspot.com/ where people send in pictures of their friends, family members or their own Hanzi tattoos and find out what the symbols really mean. Turns out most of the pretentious douchebags who got Chinese or Japanese letters embedded into their skin for life have a load of rubbish printed on their idiot selves. It's not actually surprising that these tattoos are mostly meaningless because I'm not a retard who would get the word, "strong" or "beautiful" printed on myself in a foreign language to hide the fact that I'm a raging narcissistic idiot with a need to scribble love notes to myself on my flesh. Think about the bizarre, dipshit brained, train of thought that brings a simplistic asshole to get a Hanzi tat.

I want something embedded in my skin for life, I am an asshole, I think I'm deep but clearly I'm very stupid, Asians seem to know mystical type of things and their writing is cool, I am strong, I want to write that I am strong on my body, I don't want everybody to know that I think I am strong, I will disguise my own belief of my strength with a foreign language but when anyone asks what the symbol means I will tell them it means "strong" because I think I am strong. I get a symbol scorched under my skin, they tell me it means, "strong" it really means, "rice" I am a fucking idiot with "rice" printed on my skin until the day I day. I should have died in my crib. I am a fucking useless asshole.

I used to work with a hot piece of ass with a big hanzi tat on her neck, I asked her what she believed it meant. She said, It means "beauty" I said, "Well don't we think highly of ourselves, Why don't you just write beauty on your skin and let everyone know what an egomaniac you are." She said, "I should have, because for all I know says this tattoo says, " I like it in the ass." I laughed and said, "that's funny because that's exactly what I have printed on my neck." We had sex. Even with the stupid tat She was pretty cool.

ADIEU TO 2010 AND THE HOLIDAYS AND THE O'S

2011-01-03T14:51:00.003-05:00

Ahh what a fine holiday season it was and a decent year, not great, not bad, just so, so. I ushered in the new year like an old man, I watched New years Rocking eve with the wife, watched Dick Clark say glrb flugarb walglrb, saw the ball drop, gave the wife a kiss and changed the channel to HBO. I don't like new years that much. I haven't been invited to a good new years party since the millenium and I don't really care. Two years ago I half invited a neighbor over who showed up and drove me nuts. I got crazy drunk and he got me so whacked out on his chronic'd out super weed that I thought I was gonna die. I prefer to do my drinking on Christmas, I like a good Christmas drinking spree, new years is kind of depressing.

I had a gig with my band 2 days before Christmas and it was pretty awesome even though I couldn't sing. I have a tendency to get terrible bouts of bronchitis in the winter. I got the bronchitis around thanksgiving and went to the doctor who gave me antibiotics and steroids to clear out my lungs. It was working well but then I went out boozing and did Karaoke at a Korean joint in NYC till 3:am and surprise, surprise, my bronchitis came back with a vengeance. Leading up to the gig I had band practice and couldn't sing and began a strict regimen of tea drinking and soup swilling in order to fix my throat that was hoarse beyond belief. None of these things worked, I showed up at the gig with the hope that I could just push my way through 3 hours of singing with glasses of water and maybe a few beers. After the 3rd or 4th song I came to the realization that my voice was pretty much shot so I might as well get to drinking. After the 1st set, a health food store owner gave me a bottle of some sort of dirty, jungle root juice to swallow to coat my throat. I asked him if there were roofies in it and if he planned on date raping my ass. He assured me he was not and so with my instrument needing help and for my art I swilled a bottle of the shitiest, most foul tasting, taint elixir to ever pass my lips. I coughed and wretched and guzzled a beer to remove the rot from my mouth but to no avail. I thanked the man for whatever piss he had induced me to swallow and then told him to go away before he was no longer capable. The stuff actually worked for a little while but by the end of the gig, Ted's voice was officially awol. I drank some more, flirted with the waitresses and drunk audience members and went hope at 2:00am in order to wake up at 7:00 to bring my kids teachers their Christmas presents.

Christmas eve: Spent the day alone. Usually I would go to the In-laws in Mass. for Christmas eve but with my illness and cough it was deemed unsafe. I did my food shopping for Christmas dinner and made my way to the local watering hole where I bought 15 dollar Belgian ales. Ridiculous price, ridiculously good.

While at the bar I asked the man sitting next to me who kept ordering some sort of pink martini what he was drinking he said, "A cosmo."

I said, "Which one are you, Samantha or Carrie?"

He said," I'm secure in my masculinity."

I said, " I bet you have the most masculine vagina in the whole bar."

It was beautiful being alone for a good part of Christmas eve but as the sun went down and my wife and children were away I did miss the whole family thing. I got over it though.

Christmas: My kids wouldn't fall asleep and I couldn't sneak all their presents down stairs. My kids bedroom is right next to mine and the Toys R Us bags that all their toys were in are louder than a fucking Billy Mays commercial. I ended up setting my alarm to 3:00am to get the presents out of the eve's in my room take them out of their noisemaker crinkly bags, stack them up and cover them with a blanket in order to bring them down. It went off without a hitch. The kids were amazed. Somehow, Santa got in the house again.

Christmas: opened stuff, started drinking mimosas at 7:00am nice day, cooked a turkey, a ham and some other crap, siblings came over, merriment was had, read a book, fell asleep by the fire.

Day after christmas: Jets lose to Bears ruin my weekend they make the playoffs anyway. Snowstorm hits. My sister cancels her party I drink at home. Strange girl found sitting on my front lawn. I go outside in the middle of blizzard. "Hey, can i help you?" I say to girl.

"I'm waiting for my friends to go sledding."

"Are you fucking nuts?" I say, as frozen wind drives a foot snow on top of girl.

"Come in my house and wait for your friends in there." I say.

"No thanks." She says.

"OK then." I say leaving her on my lawn in a foot of snow as more comes down.

20 minutes later I ask my son to see if she is still sitting there.

"Yup" he says

I go to the door. "Get in here!" I shout.

"OK!" she says, no hesitiation. She done. She runs into my house.

She disrobes by the door, she's attractive. what grade are you in?" I say thinking she's about 16 years old.

"I'm a freshman at the university of Vermont."

"Ohhhh" I say, as Porno music starts in Ted's head. She's cold and wet, I offer her my fire and hot cocoa. Her stupid friends actually show up to go sledding. She leaves. I drink alone.

Next day: shovel snow for 2 fucking hours. Wife keeps asking son to make sure I haven't stroked out.

Thursday: Take wifes cousin into NYC to go to the metropolitan museum of art. She's impressed with my immense encyclopedic knowledge of bullshit. We walk through central park see kids sledding. We go down town to McSorely's warm up by the old stove, have a couple of beers. Go to an Italian joint, go to another bar. Go home. Good times.

Happy new year.

LYING DUMB BITCH HAS A DUMB BITCH SHOW FOR DUMB BITCHES

2010-12-17T12:51:00.004-05:00

Sarah Palin's Alaska: filled to the stinking brim with false folksyness and backwoods horse shit. Anyone who's seen this trainwreck of a vanity show knows one thing, this asshole doesn't know how to do any of the shit she constantly talks about knowing how to do. She's always been known to be a pathological liar and delusional sociopath and this show proves it. There was an episode last week where she goes hunting for caribou and misses the huge animal six times with a gun too small to kill the thing cleanly and then finally puts it down with a larger rifle and then acts as if she's Buffalo Bill. She has to have her father re-load her gun for her and when he tells her to take a larger rifle she keeps asking, "does it have a kick?" It's obvious from her misses and his reloading that she's never fired hr own rifle before in her life. Who goes hunting with a rifle they don't know how to operate? I guess she's too busy endorsing more unqualified republican lunatics and watching her slut daughter on dancing with the stars to go to the range with it at least once and figure it out. You also know she never fired her gun before because she misses six times and says, "the gun is off." Yeah, it's the gun, It couldn't be that she doesn't know what the fuck she's doing, it's gotta be the leftist, lame stream media gun that's out to get her. It's like when I fire basketballs at a hoop for ten minutes and only get two in, I always say, "man, that's one unforgiving rim." It couldn't be that I suck.

Now it's not that well known but Sarah and her hubby edit the show themselves. They have final edit. So the fact that you see post editing affects like images of the caribou through gun sites or through binoculars only leads me to conclude that maybe Sarah finally shot the thing herelf but it's more likely, her dad or the guide shot the thing and she took the credit. What would have been better would be if she hit the caribou with her little 22 and only wounded it and it slunked away in agonizing pain with a non lethal or slow lethal injury leaving a blood trail for wolves and bears to pick up so they could tear the wounded thing apart. Her dad said it on the show, "She's taking a varmint gun because she doesn't like guns that kick." Why would anyone who knows what they're doing take a "varmint" gun go hunt caribou? A fucking asshole would do that. A dumb bitch with a reality show pretending to be a mix between Annie Oakley and Ronald Reagan would do that. Only an empty headed, beauty pageant reject, sub- retard IQ with a clown car womb would do that. In the same episode she also swings a loaded rifle around with her finger on the trigger, too bad she didn't blow her dad's head off, that would have gotten good ratings.

This guy knows much more than I do about hunting read his review.

http://ems.gmnews.com/news/2010-12-15/Greg_Bean's_Column/Duck_and_cover_because_Sarahs_locked_and_loaded.html

WHAT BROUGHT TED BACK? SCARLETT JOHANSSON AND HER WONDERFUL TITS DUMP A-HOLE HUSBAND

2010-12-16T12:53:00.007-05:00

I came back for Scarlett. She wanted me to write again to make her happy because she's sad. But not for long. I told you that shit wouldn't last! I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! I think I summed up Mr. Reynold's deficiencies right after they got married with these words from sept. 2008,

"I want to use her vagina as a pillow and wake up with vulva bed head. Can Ryan Reynolds offer her such romance? I highly doubt it, he's a fucking Canadian. He might rub her with a vibrating hockey puck but that's not romance. That's not love. No indeed, it isn't. I would love her so much, I would hand wash her underpants with my tears."

See? They were incompatible from the start. I wrote this of her marriage troubles in March 2009,

"She's been married now for what? Eight months and no baby in her tummy? Her obviously closeted homosexual husband Ryan Reynolds is clearly not all man. If I were her man she would be so filled with babies they'd be falling out of her ears, I'd knock her up so prodigiously she'd make octomom look like a California condor. There would be so many babies dropping from her she'd sound like a leaky faucet."

Exactly! I'm like Nostradamus except all of my predictions have to do with vaginas and giant tits. But this whole breakup was inevitable. Why would she want the tall, thin, attractive, movie star Ryan Reynolds when she can have the not so tall, not so thin, moderately attractive curse word writing Ted Velvet? Seriously, I'm a much better time than that movie star dick head. Hanging out with me is like hanging out with Jesus except I tell better jokes, drink and eat a lot more, do karaoke better and can work a ladies private parts like an X box controller. Scarlett and I are on the horny freight train collision of destiny. I am gonna stoke her fire set her ablaze and storm through her love tunnel with my chugging meat choo choo. I'm so happy I could shit.

CHELSEA HANDLER STILL ISN'T FUNNY AND STILL LOOKS LIKE NICK NOLTE'S MUG SHOT

2010-12-16T09:05:00.005-05:00

I'm gonna cut to the chase. If you think Chelsea Handler is funny you are either a gay guy with multiple cocks in ass and mouth swimming in a sea of jizz or just your typical boring women with a crap sense of humor, no life and a boyfriend that would rather lube up the tube inside a roll of toilet paper and fuck that than put his dick anywhere near your unkempt, stretched out bubblegum-like, rancid, snatch. Oh wait, women who like Chelsea Handler don't have boyfriends or husbands because men like smart women, not dumb whores who laugh at this sweaty, pasty, manatee. Now my problem is not with Chelsea handlers looks, that would be sexist, my problem is that she's an unfunny, useless, sea hag and low end whore.

For comparison I will use Kathy Griffith. Now Kathy is not the most beautiful woman but she's pretty funny. She also appeals mostly to the same demographic as Chelsea, gay guys and house fraus but unlike Chelsea the hack, Kathy tells a good story and rips on celebs with cleverness, a quick wit and some good old, caustic bile. Calling Bristol Palin the white precious is fucking funny. In comparison, Chelsea calling Angelina Jolie a cunt, isn't funny, even if Angelina Jolie is one. If you can't think of better insults for Angelina Jolie then you suck. Chelsea Handle is not a good comedian, she's just a slimy, cream cheese colored, walking, talking soiled prophylactic. Chelsea thinks that delivering her bad jokes in a dead pan, snarky bitch monotone will somehow make them good jokes. It doesn't, her jokes are lame, she's not funny.

What she does have going for her is an overused vagina that she whored out in order to get famous. Now that's not just hyperbolic bullshit. Before Chelsea somehow got famous she sent out a demo tape of her shit stand up to club owners that included a snippet of a sex tape of her boyfriend pounding her chlamydia filled jam hole. If she couldn't wow them with her shit comedy she'd at least let them see her only good attributes, her tits and ass, which would lead club owners to believe she was a slut for money which would lead them to bring her in for some casting couch action which got her gigs. The rest is bad comedy history.

In summation, Chesea Handler not funny, her fans, gay guys drunk on cum and dip shit ugly women who men hate and won't fuck, Thank you.

TED'S NOT DEAD, JUST LAZY

2010-12-16T08:37:00.005-05:00

I'm back bitches. Not to sound bipolar but I really wasn't feeling this whole, doing stuff thing. But now I'm back to fuck things up proper. I took a month off or so to re-agitate myself, get the juices flowing, gird my loins and re-acquaint myself with my inner opinionated prick self. All this time away from the Factor has served me well in my attempt to say fuck the old nice, calm and well thought out Ted, goodbye to that staid, boring old bastard. I feel I truly haven't reached my assholish ceiling. With that in mind I rededicate myself to being a huge cock and I promise to ratchet up my own style of obnoxious dickery in order to reach new soring heights of profound douche-ness. Sorry if I frightened those of you who still love me so. I would never leave without a true goodbye. I will not go gentle into that good night without kissing my own ass first and saying fare thee well in a proper fashion. Now to begin.

Now I like nothing more than a fight, especially a fight where I can't get punched, that's why I like the internets. On this here tube thing I can write nasty words about people I don't know and be attacked for doing so by nameless, faceless, people who have terrible opinions, stupid beliefs and nothing coherent to say. With that in mind, a year ago I wrote about Chelsea Handler being an unfunny, greasy bitch that only gay men and dumb women find remotely amusing. so I think I'll take that whore on again because people keep defending her. Not many people but some bitches have written me and attacked me for my anti Chandler views, my next post will take these brainless, cum swilling, slut, idiots on. It's nice to be back.

COULDN'T MIRANDA KERR HAVE DONE THIS WHEN I ACTUALLY WANTED TO SEE HER NAKED?

2010-11-10T11:09:00.003-05:00

This is what's wrong with women, modest when they shouldn't be and brazen when they should cover that shit up. Do I want to see a girls breasts when she looks like a beach bunny or when she looks like a fertility idol from Cameroon? This whole pregnant celebrity posing naked thing is so old and tired that there are barely words to describe how annoying it is. We get it, you have a kid in your stomach, big fucking deal. Does that make you special? Only if it's mine bitch. I try to get into the reasoning behind women feeling a need to get naked and show off their pregnant bodies but it's just so counter intuitive that I can't. My brain just isn't stupid enough to figure out why once the baby has bloated a woman's midsection to Marlon Brando territory and her tits look like a New Guinea head hunters, she chooses that moment to show off the tainted goods.

I know women get excited when they've finally done what they were put on this earth to do besides drive men into murder suicide rages. They spread em, took the seed, got knocked up and now they want to show off and act like the baby they are having is the first of it's kind, the wunderkind, zee uberbaby, Jesus #2, JFK, Mother Teresa,Princess Diana Tom Brady and the great gazoo all rolled into one little fetus, but trust me, that kid will be just as a big a fucking idiot as the rest of us, and in Miranda Kerr's case, much worse. That kid, whose dad is movie star Orlando Bloom will be beautiful and perfect looking and will be given every advantage, raised with wealth and never want for anything; except maybe attention from its obviously self involved parents. I don't think I'm breaking any psychological ground when I say that Mom's naked pregnant photo reveals a massive case of raging narcicism that will lead to the needy kid getting addicted to crystal meth.

Why do you think so many mom's get post partum depression? It's because they have this big build up to the great unveiling. For years they have built the perfect baby scenario in their minds, the happy family, the perfect child everything will be just so. They get compliments and gifts and showers and validation for being so womanly and then the baby comes and everyone comes to see the baby and it's wonderful and the baby is beautiful and again you are feted and heaped with praise but soon enough everyone goes home and it's just you and a little person that you have to raise and take care of and serve and commit almost all of your energy and life to and an equally baffled husband that pretty much expects you to, ya know, be a mom and do the shit that's supposed to come naturally. The bloom comes off the rose. It's you, a crying time suck and a husband that you don't give a shit about anymore because you have the new thing that you have no clue about how to raise. You suddenly feel very alone. Pretty soon you complain, the husband doesn't do enough to help, the baby wakes up at night and wants to be fed, you're tired, your nipples are raw the baby isn't the most perfect thing in the world, it is a monster that wants you to be there for it and give it everything you have. You find yourself not so in love with your baby. The feeling of the immediate bond didn't come. You have an alien screaming in its crib. Time to either freak out and drive away at 3:00 am or call the doctor in the morning to get some happy pills. You wish you had thought about the whole, "let's have a baby thing" a little more. Welcome to hell, you're a parent. Congratulations Miranda Kerr!

THAT'S WHY YOUR HUSBAND IS FUCKING SOMEONE ELSE

2010-11-05T09:34:00.004-04:00

I see this pro-bitch meme posted on Facebook every now and then:

Unfortunately most women won't repost this. I'm a handful, I'm strong willed, independent, a bit outspoken and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I am sometimes out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst then you sure as hell .........don't deserve me at my best. If you're a BITCH ..., repost! I dare you! I'll be looking for the ladies who repost!!!!!!!

What a patently ridiculous and stupid argument. Here's the logic, I'm an out of control asshole that makes your life miserable a good chunk of the time but because I'm nice sometimes, you should put up with all of my other bullshit. To this I say, "Shut the fuck up bitch." How about trying to act respectful with your spouse or boyfriend? Don't treat them like a child every time they do something you don't like and keep the out of control, bitch behavior to yourself. It's amazing that women think there is some wonderful empowering upside to bitching at their man. There isn't. Guys will put up with shit and then fuck your best friend, the one that keeps telling him, "she doesn't treat you the way you deserve." right behind your back and won't give it a second thought. If a guy treats his girl like shit and acts, "out of control" women are the 1st one to tell the woman to move on and find another man that values her and will treat her right. It's completely unacceptable for a man to yell at or have tirades at his wife or to call her names or question her intelligence, but somewhere along the way women got it into their Oprah-fied emotionally soaked skulls that there is some sort of nobility to being a raging cunt. There isn't, and every guy I know that has plowed other fields while in a relationship has used his lady's bitch attitude as a motivator and a justification. Treat me like shit? Treat me like an asshole? Fine, I'm gonna go titty fuck a college sophomore. Ka-plow. If you love your man but he does dumb shit from time to time, shut the fuck up. Let it go. If you think being a bitch is ok because all of your other qualities make up for it and because you're so special, forget it, you're wrong. You're not that special, you're just a bitch with a vagina lucky enough to find some guy that chose to hunker down with you for a while. Keep up the bitch routine and he'll find another vaj and another chick, maybe one that isn't so proud of being an out of control bitch.

DEMS TAKE AN ASS WHOOPIN' : ANGRY MOB DEMANDS...SOMETHING?

2010-11-03T12:02:00.004-04:00

Well the Democrats lost the House and nearly lost the Senate but thanks to geniuses like Sarah Palin and the ever so bright members of the tea party, unelectable, retarded, know-nothing candidates Like Sharon Angle and Christine O'Donnell became their parties nominees which blew republican chances of taking both houses. Smart people. They did manage to oust a shitload of democrats for the sins of giving sweetheart bailout deals and billions of dollars to the banks and wall street and General Motors while at the same time remaining socialists. That's a tricky act to juggle. The smart people in this smart country replaced the evil, big spending, bailout Dems with ex-bankers, lobbyists and other corporate stooges, this new congress will surely have the people's best interests in mind. Well played. Smart people, smart country. That's how you take this country back. Take it away from the party that tries to solve problems and give it to the people who work for the corporations we bailed out who don't believe in government. Like I said, Smart people.

Besides the Tea party assholes, there was also a massive voting mob of angry, white, people who just don't want Obama doing whatever it is he is doing. Ya know, socialism. That and the whole preventing the world from falling into a massive depression while trying to end two wars, protect us from terrorists, create jobs and reduce the deficit without raising taxes. Americans hate taxes but they also hate the wild spending and the exploding deficit but they don't want cuts to medicare, military spending or social security benefits but they want Obama to spend on job creation. Give us jobs but don't spend money. These are actual numbers from the exit polling from around the country, This is what Americans say they want, On spending priorities, 40 percent favored deficit-reduction, 35 percent "spending to create jobs," and 19 percent cutting taxes.

Smart people, smart country

Four years ago the republicans got their asses booted from congress after running it for 12 years like a drunk asshole making it rain at a strip club. The Dems got handed the shit sandwich the republicans left behind, but the republicans are masters at spinning and hammering away at false narratives. Obama's a socialist, tax and spend liberals! Republicans are pathological in their ability to obliterate the truth and masters of knowing that the American people won't give a shit or pay attention to the fact that they are doing so. In this case, they did a masterful job of pinning all of the country's financial woes on Obama and the Democratic party. Republicans in congress did nothing to help but sat and watched while people struggled. They did nothing to help during the biggest financial crisis in 80 years and for their lack of effort had the reins of power handed back to them. Masterful job knowing that, We as a people are a Smart people, in a smart country. Now the Republicans can call hearings on stuff they don't believe in, like global warming, evolution in schools and Obama's citizenship. Smart country we've got here. Smart people.

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE...

2010-10-27T23:37:00.002-04:00

Recently I have started to get a lot of messages from people on Facebook. These messages are of the private sort and usually have something to do with people that both myself and the message sender are "friends" with. Usually the message starts something like this, "Hey, I just wanted to say, blah blah blah usually it opens with some sort of generally nice thing about how wonderful I am and then at the end there's a little caveat, oh, by the way, isn't Joe Schmo a fucking asshole?" These messages are generally from people I actually like and who seem to like me vs the few people that are on the list that are neither my true friend nor much of anything else to me but they asked to be friends with me and I said, "sure." Now my friends list is anything but extensive. I'm not a popular guy, I don't cultivate acquaintances or generally give off a warm and fuzzy, please friend me, vibe. I have a pretty small group of so-called friends and I still can't stand most of them. I guess I'm just a passive aggressive insincere douche. I talk smack about people behind their backs and mock almost everything they say, write, think or do. In other words, I'm a shitty friend and a jerkoff of a person, it just turns out that I have company because it seems to me that everyone else is too. What does bring me some solace about my own assholishness is that somehow through the pretty mundane and vanilla things I post on facebook a few desperate souls fed up with reading and seeing the stupidity of our fellow friends somehow knew that I would be an allie against the soulless, unoriginal, annoying, holier than thou, LOL-ing jerks that populate and broadcast themselves unimpeded throughout the friendosphere. You are not alone, I am there for you...always, like a mean high school chick. Now let's go trash our stupid, dickhead friends.

LET THE TEA PARTY WIN

2010-10-27T15:10:00.004-04:00

I was out boozing recently and ran into a guy who works for the Democratic party in Connecticut, he's not the big dog but not a small fry either. We started up a conversation and had a few beers and talked politics. He kept saying that the Dems across the country could have done better against the tea party if they had only done, A B and C. I didn't disagree with him and I had my own ideas but after a while I started thinking about what my brother-in-law said before the last Presidential election. " Let the Republicans win let them actually try to fix their the problems instead of just pointing fingers and doing nothing which you know is all their gonna do if Obama wins." I told the guy, I hope these white trash retards win every fucking seat. After two years of Republicans doing absolutely nothing to help the country and two years of Fox news spinning more and more hatred and lies and disinformation I really think it's time to let the psycho/ neo fascist morons who call themselves the Tea Party or the GOP or Republicans or Conservatives or whatever name you give them, run things.

Let them impeach Obama for whatever imaginary crimes he has committed in their paranoid, racist minds. Let them repeal health care reform, let them lower taxes on the richest 2% and blow the deficit up more, let them do all the dumb, crazy shit they want. Let them nominate Sarah Palin for president, let her get elected, let them continue their completely nihilistic, brain dead, anti-science, anti-intellectual, anti-thinking agenda. Let them invade Iran, let them outlaw the free press, let them have their para military units threaten all dissent, let them create the theocracy they want, let them tear down everything that made this country great, give them 12 years to run things. Let them show every American exactly what they are and what they care about and after 12 years the country will grow so sick of their shit, so sick of their lies and their inability to do anything that the Republican party we see today, filled with ignorant, bible thumping, constitution waving idiots will cease to exist and no one will ever have to listen to these dumb cunts ever again.

The guy looked at me and said, "That's not exactly a winning strategy."

I said, "You have to take the long view. Sure you'll be a political prisoner, tortured and executed by president Palin but it will be worth it for the country in the end."

The guy said, "I'd rather just have a great anti tea party slogan right now."

I said, "I can do that, how about this, Tea parties are fun if you're a child, but in the end someone has to actually run things."

We came up with a few more and had a few laughs and a few more beers but left knowing that come election day there will be a lot more seriously stupid fuckholes on the republican side of the aisle running congress. Get ready for more craziness, the end is nigh.

HOLY CRAP! IT'S THE GIRL FROM GLEE AGAIN

2010-10-19T16:12:00.004-04:00

I don't want to get all "porn Blog" on you but holy shit! This Glee girl is awesome. But here's a question? Why is she so slutty and needy? I'll tell you why, Because she works all day with gay theater dudes. They sing together, they dance together and they pretend to be hot for each other but at the end of the day when this poor little girl is all worked up craving the salam her co-star is out slurping on nutsacks. it's just plain wrong and kind of sad.

My sister, the same one who called the Velvet Factor, "A porn Blog" has been an actress for years. She does local community plays and different theater productions. For years she has been asking me to try out the acting thing and join one of the plays with her. After seeing all the sissies in the show Glee getting to hang out with girls of such obviously low moral character and extrapolating the fact that most actresses are needy whores, (except my sister of course) I have now decided to become an actor. I can no longer allow tramps like this girl to be left all alone in locker rooms with their legs spread all ready and unstaisfied because their male co-stars are out blowing random dudes at park and rides. Get ready world! Here comes Ted Velvet: Heterosexual Actor!

TED'S BEEN BUSY, OUT DOIN' STUFF. AND BTW, WHO WANTS A PEARL NECKLACE?

2010-10-18T13:41:00.004-04:00

Splat!

Where to start? Hmm, let's see, lots of crap rolling around in ol' Ted's head. Last week while out enjoying some cocktails with the wife and friends and family, my sisters assaulted me for having nothing but a "porn blog." "I'm sick of reading about Kim Kardashian's ass on your blog, you're just taking the easiest road, write about something else." Point taken. I may become slightly myopic at times and fail to vary my topics but they always say, write what you know, and in my case that ain't too much, but the one thing I do know is that I like beautiful women with nice, big, tits and nice asses so that's what I write about. Call it my trapped, married, contained id screaming to be let loose to bone famous sluts. Or just call it a mid life crisis, if I had the money I'd buy a sports car I don't so I write this crap.

My best friend from high school came up to beautiful Ct. for a visit this past weekend. There was lot's of drinking, chicken wing eating and carousing with odd women. It is amazing just how many freak shows hang out in bars and unleash their most God awful life agonies upon total strangers because they have a few drinks in them. Case in point; My friend and I were at a bar watching the Yankee game. I don't know how it got started but I began having a conversation with an exotic looking woman with an odd name. She looked Egyptian or Persian, she was pretty hot. She told me her name and we discussed her ethnicity and that led to Egyptian history. She was appreciative of my knowledge and soon after started unleashing the weird. It started off with her telling me that her husband wears a man purse so I told her she probably married a closeted gay. Without much ado she then starts to tell me about her catching him jerking off to tranny porn, which then moved onto her telling me about her first orgasm and that she can only reach orgasm when stroked manually through her jeans. She then goes on to tell me how she was raised in a foster home, sexually abused for years and had to give up her first child for adoption. She was getting too close to me and touching me a lot and kept wanting to dance with me. I was not into it because you know...I'm married and live in that town and don't like crazy people, so I said, "Sure thing, just let me go to the bathroom first," then I split out the door as quickly as I could. You can't feed the crazy puppies, they follow you home. Crazy chicks with gay husbands and awful pasts cannot be allowed near the inner sanctum.

So we split that scene go to another joint where these hot blond chicks were sitting boozing. They were all bleach blond, super tight jean, black, high heeled boot wearin', big racked, raspy voiced off duty bartender chicks. My friend and I noticed right away they were easy marks. We started shooting the shit, I helped one girl find her phone that had fallen out of her bag so she bought me a drink and we were chatting nicely enough about normal shit like wine and stupid kids names. Then she keeps getting up to go to the bathroom then her friend would go then she would get up again. These two ladies were tweeked out of their fucking gourds. They were banging down white wines like they were drinking water out of a shot glass and then running off to the girls room again. Their pupils were bouncing around in their heads and they soon stopped making any sense whatsoever. My friend and I kind of backed off because the just seemed too fucking nuts. Although my buddy did touch one of their necks and she almost jumped through the fucking ceiling. Soon after, another one of their friends came in, a cute, petite, sandy blond haired girl dressed in super tight, faux fur, faux leopard, house wives of new jersey clothes. She starts yammering away with me about her job selling and leasing power equipment. I ask her about renting an aerator and she asks for my phone number, without even thinking, because I'm drunk by this point, I give her my home phone number which she promptly starts calling at 1:00 am. I say, what ya doin? "I'm gonna leave you a message" I say, "What are you fucking nuts! My wife is gonna launch me up to the goddamn moon if she hears that! Just give me your card or work number or work web site address. she's like, "Here's my cell phone number, what's yours?" I say, "Bitch, I just want to rent an aerator what the fuck do you need my cell phone number for?" My friend says, "I'll give you my cell phone #" My friend and I leave that scene and head back to where the evening began with another off duty bartender chick hanging all over my friend. Then we walked home. The next day we watched football, ordered more chicken wings, took a ride to the winery near my house because that's where all the straight guys go together on a Saturday afternoon. But as I told my buddy, "You want to see a lot of drunk women in one place on a Saturday afternoon? Head to a winery." Boom! Within minutes we're chatting up two ladies. Too bad they were 50 years old. My friend leaves, I take a shower and soon headed out with the wife and kids to a friends house to do some more drinking. I need a fucking nap.

TED GOES TO BUFFALO TO WATCH SOME SPANKAGE

2010-10-07T08:44:00.002-04:00

Picked a hell of a nice place to travel to go see the Jets Play. Buffalo NY in October, sounds pretty sweet doesn't it? Regardless of local, I had a swinging time. I watched the Jets on TV down in Miami the week before and definitely thought, "Hmmm, Miami might have been a better a call." When I left JFK on Saturday it was 75 degrees and sunny when I got up to Buffalo after a quick 52 minute flight, it was a windy, rainy, 40 degrees. But I seriously didn't give a shit. I was just glad to be on the road with some buddies drinking and bullshitting and getting psyched for some football. I was pleasantly surprised by pretty much everything. Usually when traveling things gets fucked up in one way or another but not this time. Fucking Clockwork. 3:40 flight from JFK on jet Blue. Drove down to New Haven to get my bro-in-law, the loinmaster at 12:00, got to JFK at 2:00, he was kind enough to do the drive.

Got to our gate at 2:30, There was a bar right at my gate, I don't mean across from or diagonal from or a stones throw from the gate but I mean right in front of the seats and the tunnel that takes you to your plane. Fucking Clutch. I banged down two quick Stellas, then my boy the Notorius B.I.L. sauntered in. He ordered a couple more then blam, time to get on plane. I had 4 or 5 beers in me so was feeling fine.

Struck up a conversation with a guy whose wife is from Buffalo so he gave us lowdown on strip clubs, bars, food etc. Watched three college games on the plane's tv, Had to pee a lot so had a few chances to chat up a stewardess sitting near the bathroom who wasn't working the flight just flying home to Buffalo. After the Plane landed I had to whiz again and started talking to her outside the bathroom. I go in, do my business, come out and everyone is off the plane already. I talk to her for another couple of minutes about...I shit you not, bras, I'm about to ask her, " Hey what ya doing tonight? " but then I think I might be stepping over some sort of line...ya know, being a married man and all.

Anyway, we get off plane, call hotel, three minutes van is there, at hotel ask for room upgrade, lady says there are no upgrades, Notorius B.I.L. pulls out a dollar, slides it onto the counter and says, "Maybe Mr. Washington can get an upgrade." Boom. Upgrade. Better room. We go to Hotel bar order some food, some beers all is well. In walks my brother, Professor Pork. We have a few more beers go to his car and unload a huge cooler jammed with beer. Go to my room watch some of Yankees/Boston game, drink many beers, go out to some brewery.

Ask three guys to take our picture, guy in Buffalo sabers hoodie says "fuck off", I ask his buddy in Dallas cowboys hat, he says "go fuck yourselves jets fans" Go up to the last guy in Brooklyn Dodgers hat, I say something like, " you've got a Boston hat on so I know what your answer is gonna be", he says, "No, it's a dodgers hat." So I say "Oh so it's no wonder why you hang out with these other two fucking douchebags." They laugh instead of kicking the shit out of me and take our picture. Then we all agree that it's Patriots and Miami fans that are the real douchebags of the world.

Stay up late drinking and talking eat beef jerky go to sleep around 2:00. Wake up hungover eat a whole roll of tumms. Go to breakfast, breakfast sucks. Need rain gear for B.I.L. and loinmaster. Look for a store find one on to game. Stadium right near where we stayed, parked in field, drank beers got wet and shivered. Game on, Jets dominate but only up by ten points at half. More beer, soaking wet and cold. Buffalo fans acting like dicks but nothing too bad. I come back from halftime go to seat. Buffalo fan sees my rain jacket that has the word "Montauk" written on it. He stand up and says, "Montauk? go back to New York!" I say, " I am in New York you fuckin asshole." His friends all yell, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!" They laugh at their friend and start asking me where I'm from and all the other niceties. I realize when I curse people out they like me. Second half, Jets romp, fans get unruly, then leave. Game over, we kicked ass. Go back to hotel. Brother leaves for home. We get dinner, some beers, watch Sunday night Giants game, Fall asleep like old men. Wake up, at airport in five minutes no one there, fly home through wind storm, felt like a coin in a coffee can being kicked down the street. Back in NY, back in car, back to Ct. We all decided if Jets play buffalo early enough next year before snowfall season, we are there. Buffalo is a nice little city quick in, quick out and cheap. Awesome trip, awesome times.

GLEEFULLY INSECURE AND HALF NAKED

2010-10-01T10:31:00.003-04:00

Here's the butterface from glee, Lea Michele. I've never watched Glee but I surmise that it's kind of a Mickey Mouse club for gays. Now this girl has a nice body and supposedly has a good voice but she knows the deal, she's not a classical beauty and thus, no matter how talented, she's way insecure. "Glee has made me feel beautiful," she tells Marie Claire magazine. "Now when people say that, I don't feel like they're lying." Sure you don't. You know they're full of shit. I bet this girl has been manipulated a million times to do all kinds of crazy sex acts by guys using her insecurities against her. "What do you mean you won't wear the ball gag? That pretty blond with the normal nose I dated always wore one. Pretty girls are always into anal and water sports, they don't have hangups like you because they don't look like Tevya's understudy, they're so pretty and sexually free, not like you... not pretty and repressed. What? You'll do it? That's great." I wouldn't do that because I actually love girls with slightly big or hooked noses, it's kind of a weird turn on, so to me, the girl isn't beautiful but I'd still like to have my way with her...without the ball gag of course.

NEWSFLASH! CELEBRITIES ARE SELF INVOLVED DOUCHEFUCKS

2010-09-27T21:17:00.004-04:00

Is there anything more heinous than celebrities clinging to fame by tweeting their lame, personal shit? Here's Demi Moore and Ashton Douche lying in bed pretending to still give a shit about each other when everyone knows Ashton has been plowing new fields. I hate Ashton Kutcher everything the guy does is a steaming pile of shit but worse than that he's a cougar chaser, it's sick. He went after an old married whore with three kids when he could have been banging his way through the young and nubile idiots that make up Hollywood's wannabe's and hanger-0ns. What an idiot, taking Bruce die hard's old cast off poon after it was busted. Bruce Willis moved on to greener pastures leaving this idiot in his wake to finish off what was left now they tweet and clog bandwidth with their attempts to keep people convinced that Ashton didn't finally wise up and start banging something in his age bracket. Sad, sad, sad. Desperate assholes.

In other celebrity asshole news: Jenny McCarthy, famous annoying naked blond with big fake tits, manly lantern jaw, autistic kid, some stupid books about autism and an ex-boyfriend named Jim Carey. She went on Oprah( the queen of celebrity assholes) to tell women why she and Jim broke up. "The first thing is, when it's not fun anymore, you need to start investigating and do an inquiry into the relationship." Umm...asshole, an unfun relationship is what adults sometimes call "being married." Raising kids, being around each other all the time, doing the laundry, doing the dishes, infrequent sexual activities, monogamy, having to be nice, having to compromise, helping kids with their homework, driving them around, bills, chores, doing shit for each other...none of this is fun. But Jenny thinks she can live a life of joyousness all the time because she's a celebrity and life is supposed to be one big surprise party. When asked by asshole Oprah if her ego couldn't handle being with a more famous (and a trillion times more talented) boyfriend, jenny the genius said this, "I checked into myself. How does my ego feel? ... My ego's fine. I'm a warrior mom. I always got back on my feet, and I know especially this year who I am."
"A warrior mom," fucking ridiculous. The asshole has a kid with special needs and all the sudden she's a fucking warrior. She's a warrior Sarah Palin has mamma grizzlies, what a bunch of horseshit. I am so sick of women acting like they should be treated like Patton or Princess Diana because they shit out a kid. Note to women: that is your biological role. To have kids is part of your nature. It's not that special, it's a bodily function. I knock out a zillion sperm you drop people out of your hole. Good for you. Does it hurt? Sure. Guess what? It hurts when I take a crap, doesn't mean I'm a warrior or a grizzly, it just means I have hemorrhoids. You know who a warrior mom was? Queen Boudica. After she and her daughters were raped by Roman soldiers in 60AD, Boudica led her Iceni tribe and took on the Roman legions in England and killed the fuck out of thousands rather than see her people sold into slavery. Jenny McCarthy had a baby and fucks movie stars, Boudica rode a chariot and chopped off people's heads. No contest.

IS IT ME OR DOES SARAH PALIN WALK LIKE A TROLL AND LOOK LIKE A BIG OL' LEZBO

2010-09-27T15:35:00.004-04:00

Here's a clip of Sarah Palin and Bristol walking around L.A. with their offspring, notice Bristol carries her kid, the retard gets a nanny... and by retard I mean Sarah. She has a nanny carrying Trig. Don't want to let motherhood get in the way of posting sub mental douchebag tweets to her fat, fuckhead minions . Have these rubes ever heard of the word "stroller"? Fucking idiots. Who randomly walks around LA like that? Peckerwood hicks that's who. Sarah schlumping around in running shorts looks like Bilbo Baggin's brain damaged girlfriend by way of a Wichita Wal-Mart. It's too bad the bus from the Movie Speed didn't come along and pick them up and then explode. Sarah does give off a somewhat lezbonic vibe. I mean I don't really know what closeted lesbians walk like but I bet they walk like her. How about the friendliness of Bristol? Paparazzi guys are being nice and keeping their distance just asking a few questions and she can't even say "thanks" or "bye" I guess the two guys asking her how dancing with the stars is going are part of the "lamestream media." The fucking gall, Bristol thrusts herself onto a popular show and shoves herself and her kid into the limelight and then can't answer a fucking question. Douchebags. The video has an asshole rap commercial before the Palin's come on

BRAYLON EDWARDS ARRESTED FOR DWI, PLAYS THREE QUARTERS AGAINST MIAMI, SCORES TOUCHDOWN, WORLD CONTINUES TO SPIN

2010-09-27T10:35:00.006-04:00

So after all the sturm und drang about Jets wide receiver Braylon Edwards not being suspended for a game after being arrested for drinking while driving, the Jets, with Edward's help, beat the Miami Dolphins in a nail biter down in Miami. It was a big win, the Jets needed Edwards and they knew it so a ridiculous punishment dance played out all week long. Listening to new york sports radio last week was like rehashing the OJ murder except no one was murdered. "He's gotta be made an example of!" Most of the chattering class screamed. "It sets a bad example to your other players!" Maybe so, but is sitting a player for Game really a punishment or does it just hurt the whole team in the name of good, and essentially meaningless PR? If he had beaten his wife would he have sat out a game? Probably but is wife beating worse than possible vehicular homicide? yes. One is hypothetical one is a fact. Just because you drive drunk doesn't mean you're automatically gonna kill someone, it just means the risks are much greater which makes it crazy dangerous and stupid. Does playing a guy somehow condone the crime or does it just deal with the reality of the NFL being a business and the business requires teams to put their best team they can on the field in order to win regardless of whether or not the player is a scumbag. Will benching someone make other players think twice before they do something stupid? "I was gonna bring my gun to the nightclub but I might sit on the bench." I don't think that's how these guys think. This whole thing got so stupid that the jets brought it to a new level of dumb. With all the media pressure to punish the guy yet knowing they needed him, they put forth a punishment joke. The Jets looked like assholes for "benching" him for one quarter and calling it a punishment. Talk about meaningless PR. It was a pointless pretend nod to the pro punishment crowd. "See? He's sitting on the bench for 15 minutes, he's been shamed. Can we play him now?" It was silly. I'll never drink and drive again. I sat out a quarter.

Now since Rex Ryan has been the jets coach there has been one Jet arrested, Braylon Edwards. In the same time frame there have been 6 Miami Dolphins arrested, 5 Buffalo Bills and 1 New England Patriot. Not exactly a crime wave in New York. All the other starting players in the NFL that have committed the same crime in the last 2 years have all played in the next game. The jets are no different. In a perfect world would the jets have punished him more? Yes, but with each week in the NFL being do or die they had to play the guy. In the end Braylon edards has fucked himself plenty. He's a dumbass who got behind the wheel of his car while drunk and got arrested before he could kill someone. OK, good, the cops got the guy, and whether or not he was benched for a week, the guy is gonna pay in a lot of ways.

Free agency- he will lose money on the free agent market for being a trouble maker, plenty of teams won't want to sign him, he's been arrested for drinking and driving and for a fight outside a nightclub. Some teams won't care about his record, they just want a big, fast receiver but most won't want to put up with his bullshit. He just lost millions.

The press: the guy is being raped daily by the press in the media capital of the world. Now you might say that's not a real punishment but having your ass kicked 24/7 by radio, newspapers and TV can't be any fun.

The Police: Sooner or later he's gonna have to deal with the actual crime which will mean fines, possible jail time, license suspension, probation. All the joys of being arrested for a felony.

The NFL: When the NFL finishes doing their work on this, Edwards will be suspended and lose more money. I doubt too many players want this to happen to them. He's already an example without being benched in a meaningless attempt to "punish" the guy

I LIKE KATY PERRY'S SHIRT

2010-09-27T02:07:00.004-04:00

I don't know how else to say this but the fucking I would throw on Katy Perry would put us both in the hospital. I think I would literally chew and squeeze those melons completely off her body and I'm pretty sure I'd break my dick in half from the furious around the clock pounding I would sustain upon her nooks and crannies. This girl was put on this planet for one reason, and it ain't singing. She was put here to make breast aficionados like myself wish we were dead. I am only living for the day that her career is in the tank and she's divorced because she caught her British, junkie, comedian boyfriend freebasing with a hooker and she is desperate for money and fame and recognition and she goes the porno tape, cinemax, Playboy route to regain what she once had. She's a serious attention whore and if she can't get it singing she'll get it showing off her wonderful size K jackhammers. I only hope her rack stays just the way it is now bulging like ripe melons stretching the shit out of Elmo's face. I love this girl. She completes me and she had me at hello and she should show me the money and by money I mean tits.

I NEVER WANTED TO BE A PRISON GUARD OR BULL DYKE BEFORE BUT I AM STARTING TO RETHINK THAT

2010-09-24T16:03:00.002-04:00

The most beautiful girl in the world,
wears a jumpsuit,
shivs the yard snitch
makes my license,
the most beautiful girl in the world
lives in a cell
picks the trash up
on the highway
The most beautiful girl in the world
isn't Manson
or Jeff Dhamer
She's just Lindsey

Frank Sinatra could sing this and make a million. Ring a ding, ding.

How stupid is this dopey chick? Hmm tough decision, lay off the cocaine or get fisted by Mable the cell block enforcer. For most people it would be an easy choice but once you've chowed down on Samantha Ronson I guess Mable's weathered hand isn't such a scary prospect. Good luck Lindsey, stay sexy.

MY BUCKET LIST IS COMPLETE: I'VE FINALLY EATEN AT THE OLIVE GARDEN

2010-09-24T09:57:00.003-04:00

For years I have been saying to myself, "Self, you should really go to eat at the olive garden." Finally yesterday afternoon all the stars in the firmament aligned, the fates were in agreement and the parking lot was near empty. "Yes", I said to myself as if in a magical waking dream,"I am finally going to sup on unlimited breadsticks and a forever refilling pasta bowl."

I don't quite know why I was so obsessed with the Olive Garden but I was. The terrible commercials are probably what drew me in. Fake families putting aside every tuesday night just to go to the Olive Garden together? That's wonderful stuff. Actors portraying fake friends that go every week and try a new pasta and sauce combination? Adorable. I was sucked in. I wanted to feel the phony family vibe and revel with fake friends who would good naturedly chide me for my love of angel hair pasta. "Angel hair again?" They would all laugh in unison. Then we would all clink our wine glasses together and life would be as wonderful as a commercial. You know what? It was. For a brief and magical minute.

I was going to buy my niece and nephew overdue birthday presents yesterday when I ran into a couple of ladies that I know. We chatted for a short while and went our separate ways. Then I went to the sports authority to get myself a hoodie and ran into the two broads again. "When you dumb bitches are done shopping, you wanna grab some lunch? " I said. "Sure!" they said excitedly. "Where do you want to go?" They asked. There was no hesitation in my voice. I answered them in a firm but admittedly slightly over excited manner. , "The Olive garden."I quickly spat "Ok, They said, let's go." We got in our respective cars drove across the parking lot to the beautiful faux stone building that looks as if it were transplanted directly from the Tuscan hills. We opened the heavy wood doors and the lovely sounds of Tony Bennet filled my ears. "Am I in heaven?" I asked myself. No, I was still alive, but happy. I steadied myself and sat down. "This is going to be great." I told myself. When I looked at the menu, I thought," mmm, not so much.. ummmm....stuff." It was then that it hit me square in the face. the olive garden doesn't do any of the magical stuff in real life that it does on TV, this is all a scam. This menu is a joke. it looks like it was put together by chef Boyardee. Where are the heaps of pasta, the magnificent sauces, the mounds of cheese? Where are the wine glasses filled with clinking vino? Wait one mother fucking minute I said as i stared at two goombas sitting across from me dressed like the cast of jersey Shore. The olive garden isn't a wonderful home away from home...it's just a guinea Bennigans!

Suddenly sullen, I ordered some crap, dutifully ate it and vowed never again to look forward to anything ever. Life is just one big disappointment after another. The girl I always wanted to bang ended up having a smelly cootch, the GI Joe with Kung Fu grip just meant his hands broke faster than the rest of him and The Olive garden's endless breadsticks suck.

The ladies I was with saw how despondent I had become over my less than old time Italian family feast so they gave me a handy under the table. After that, I realized my chicken and pasta meal wasn't so bad after all. It was pretty tasty. Maybe the Olive Garden isn't all it's cracked up to be but the angel hair and chicken scampi didn't suck. Angel hair...again?!?!

I'M AN UNWED TEENAGE MOM, PUT ME ON YOUR SHOW

2010-09-23T09:46:00.002-04:00

Can you imagine what the lunatics that call themselves conservatives would be saying about this chubby little slut if she were Obama's daughter or Hillary Clinton's daughter or the daughter of any democrat? Can you imagine the feigned, high and mighty fake religious uproar the jerkoff right would be making? Teenage, unmarried mom being glorified by our nation and made to look glamorous...tsk tsk. It's those leftist, ungodly Hollywood elites cramming their hedonistic, do it if it feels good, morality on us good folks in small town America. Can you imagine what the main republican idiot, her own Mom would be saying about Bristol if she weren't her own daughter? If Bristol Palin was Joe Biden's daughter Saint Sarah would be attacking her with every tweet, twit and twat her moronic mind could muster. You betcha, but conservative hypocrisy knows no bounds. Thump a bible hard enough and you can pretty much do anything with this crowd. Fake a pregnancy to cover up your teenage daughters slutdom because it proves your a bad mom? Forgivable as long as you invoke God every other second.

You see, I am one of those that happen to believe that their just might be something to this, Trig isn't Sarah's kid theory. A wild theory? Yes. but Sarah is fucking nuts and a pathological liar so I wouldn't put it past her to think she could bullshit a whole birth. There's two ways of thinking about Sarah Palin's pregnancy with trig that she hid for 7 months.

A) she was never pregnant and only started to make herself look pregnant at almost 8 months when her kid, who by the way was conveniently out of school for 5 months with mono at this point, was about to pop.

or

B) She wasn't really too psyched that she was having a kid with downs syndrome and was busy trying to kill the kid without technically aborting it without anyone ever finding out she was pregnant. Why else would you not even tell your own kids you were pregnant? Why else would you hide the pregnancy from your staff, from the media from your family and friends? If she was such a big proponent of special needs kids and so proud of her soon to be born son, wouldn't it make sense to let people know that she was pregnant with a special needs kid? Wouldn't that be inspirational to other mom's in the same boat? But that's not what happened. She didn't tell anyone she was pregnant and then, out of nowhere she reveals it to the shock and surprise of everyone, because at 7 months she didn't look pregnant and then suddenly, boom! She is showing. Then she doesn't reveal that the kid will be a special needs child. Instead at 8 months and 44 years old, she flies all over the place while she's supposedly leaking amniotic fluid with a special needs kid with a hole in his heart. She's supposedly leaking fluid and having contractions, doesn't go to the hospital in Texas or Seattle but takes a 12 hour flight where the kid could have come out on the fucking drink cart. Go to the hospital in Anchorage when you land? Naa. Drive an hour and a half and have the kid in east bumfuck in a hospital without a neonatal intensive care unit. Sound like bullshit? Totally. Kind of interesting too that none of the emails she and her husband sent that day let anyone know she's in labor or leaking fluids or anything.

Also interesting, in the Seattle airport a man she knows from Wasilla sees her and says "Hi." After the kid is born he sends her a congratulations note and says, "I had no idea you were in labor. you were sitting so quietly just reading a book"

Now with Sarah you have to take it as a given that the whole leaking fluids story is bullshit. She makes everything up so why not add some spice to a possible boring story. Maybe the real story is as simple as Sarah landing Alaska and then going into labor, no leaking fluids, no contractions during her speech in Texas, no calling her doctor, no nothing. But, even if the whole wild ride part of the story is bullshit, why didn't she ever tell anyone she was pregnant until almost 8 months in? Why was Bristol living in Anchorage with her aunt and out of school for months during the same time? Why doesn't Sarah just show everyone Trigs birth certificate? Put all the talk to rest. Obama showed his. You show us yours.

Man, I love conspiracy theories. Now this is probably bullshit but it would so rock if it were true.

A WEEKEND SET ABLAZE

2010-09-20T16:25:00.002-04:00

Had a gig, cooked some processed meats drank a lot and cooked up my new little outdoor chimney thing the other night. I got nicely toasted hanging by the fire shooting the shit and drinking about two dozen beers until 3:00 am with my bro-cuz, The Boss Hog. The weekend rocked balls pretty hard. I Played a nice gig at an Irish festival, got a wad O' cash, got drunk for free, had my wonderful cousin and his wife as guests and the jets won. Fucking perfect. My band went on saturday at 3:30 rocked pretty well, chased a few old ladies away, had beers delivered to us during the set, we finished by 5:00 and was back home drinking with the cousin and his wife cooking up brats, itialian sausage and kielbasa by 6:30 got my cousin's wife to mash her giant yams on me and had a nice NERF gun battle with boss hog and my kids. That and the jets winning made my fucking weekend a roaring success.

NY JETS: I AM STILL FUCKING DISGUSTED

2010-09-14T13:22:00.003-04:00

It's 1:22 and I am still mad as shit about last nights jets game. I've seriously never seen anything so fucking bad in my whole life. I still want Mark Sanchez and Brian Schottenheimer to fall into a bottomless pit so I never have to waste my eyesight on their incompetent asses again. That goes for the rest of the Jets bullshit offense. I'm fucking disgusted just thinking about last nights game. I'm driving around and randomly shouting out, "You useless fucks!" like a tourettes patient. They better fucking win this sunday. And if things weren't bad enough, the jets lost their nose tackle Chris Jenkins for the year...again! SAME OLD JETS! JETS! JETS!

NOW WHY WOULD I GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT THIS? WHEN I CAN SEE THAT? NSFW

2010-09-14T10:54:00.004-04:00

So I'm looking through the Huffington post and I see a headline, PHOTOS: Kim Kardashian's Just-Released NUDE Playboy Pics. I put it on the "to do" list but continue scanning the page. I scroll down a bit and to the right I see this unbelievably ridiculously stupid headline.
Kim Kardashian Shows Off Her Legs In London (PHOTOS)

Now why the fuck would anyone in their right mind, male or female, give two shits about Kim kardashians stupid legs in a London phonebooth when I can see her vagina in Playboy? Why would anyone even think for a second that anyone would care to see Kim Kardashians legs? There are only three reasons to give a crap about Kim kardashian, her ass, her breasts, her vagina. She's a hot chick that made a porno to get famous. She's a fame whore with the accent on whore. I could care less about anything she does unless it's blowing dudes on video or getting naked. Now Kim kardashian wants people to think of her as some legitiamte TV star/model but I'm a man and as a man I know two things, A) She's a total whore. B) She's a model the same way Jenna Jameson is a model. Wear all the black fluffy skirts and berets you want, you're a naked chick, not a model so no one cares. She is a pretty girl but her legs? C'mon man, her legs aren't worth the energy of a mouse click. What kind of gay asshole editor put this huff post page together? Seriously, only a gay dude would do that. "Oh, legs are sexy...vaginas gross...get me a latte."

JESUS F-ING CHRIST! WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS

2010-09-13T22:49:00.006-04:00

My jets lost a ridiculously badly played game. they had no offense and lost 10-9 fucking pathetic. During the whole nutless display of the jets playing like eunuchs I kept switicng it over to the Yankees Devil Rays game. 0-0 tie all the way through. The jets lose I turn to the Yankee game still 0-0 in the 11th inning...bang! walk off home run for the devil rays, they take over 1st place by half a game. The yankees just got swept by the rangers over the weekend and had lost 2 0f 3 to Baltimore and now they couldn't muster a single run tonight. Weak ass bitchcunts. Between my nutless jets offense and my dickless yankee offense, I've got two fucking useless post op tranny sports teams. I am disgusted by both of these anemic suck teams. What's worse is that I just booked plane and hotel reservations to catch the jets in Buffalo in three weeks. Fuck it, I'll just get drunk. At least that will be fun.

In other, more sexy news, here are more pictures of Ines Sainz,
the mexican reporter the jets harassed instead of learning some fucking offensive plays. Here she is on the sideline of some sports event dressed professionally as always. Damn them pants are tight. I'm so mad about the jets and Yankees I have no other option but to rub out an angry wank to this chick right here.

THE JETS SEXUALLY HARASSED THIS FEMALE REPORTER...SHOCKING!!!!

2010-09-13T01:21:00.004-04:00

I know women are supposed to be treated with respect at all times and they shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable in the workplace and all that, but shit, you walk into a locker room filled with giant NFL neanderthals dressed like this, with an ass like this and you're lucky you don't leave with a poopshoot the size of a manhole cover. Now if the coaching staff were acting as douchebaggish as the players were then it's pretty fucking lame so fine them kick their asses for being unprofessional and tainting the teams image but still, boys will be boys and football players are pretty much retarded idiots so it's kind of expected. I'm not saying it's right to intimidate a woman just becasue she's hot but if you want to be taken seriously as a female sports reporter, wear a Hillary pantsuit and dyke yourself up a bit. There are no hot sports reporters, there are only hot female sideline reporters like Erin Andrews but that's about as bullshit a job as you can get, it's a pretty face to keep guys interested before halftime, that's all. Seriously, this outfit is kind of nuts for a reporter, those pants are so tight I can see her cervix. Besides, all the good female sports reporters look like this (mary Carillo HBO real sports) But more important, Go Jets! I had a vision they defeat the Ravens 17-13-sanchez plays shitty but special teams win the game. Hope springs eternal. Nice overalls.

NOW THAT THE 9/11 VICTIM FEST IS OVER, i HAVE A FEW QUICK THOUGHTS

2010-09-12T13:05:00.004-04:00

I saw a lot of this
Sanctimony:Feigned piety or righteousness; hypocritical devoutness or high-mindedness.

I saw assholes go from a memorial service to a hate fest outside an empty building in lower Manhattan. Very pious people with their placards of stupidity. Can't we have another plane fly into these dickwads?

I can't believe people would admit to their own defeatist cowardly attitude by calling the planned mosque in lower Manhattan a "victory mosque" I'm sorry, did we get defeated by radical Islam or did they just destroy two buildings and kill a bunch of innocent people? It was a kick in the balls hardly a victory. If that's all it takes to declare "victory" over the United States, then we're the biggest bitches on the planet. These whining assholes might have been defeated but I moved on because unlike these crybaby assfucks I'm not a whiny bitch.

I heard a good joke,

Knock, knock

Who's there?

9/11

9/11 who?

I thought you said you'd never forget!

until next years 10th anniversary pussy fest.

OH NO, IT'S ALMOST THE 9/11 ANNIVERSARY I SEE THE FLAGWAVING GRIEF-BOTS COMING OUT OF THE WOODWORK

2010-09-10T15:23:00.006-04:00

Together we pause to remember the victims, to grieve with the families and friends of those who died, and to honor the heroes of that day and each day since who have sacrificed to save lives and serve their country.

Fly the American Flag in a moment of remembrance for 9/11.

Shut the fuck up. Now I was just as just as pissed off, just as scared, shocked, and depressed by what happened on 9/11 as anyone who wasn't killed or a relative of a victim or stuck in the fucking towers or trying to save people stuck in the towers or living or working right there. Outside of that group of people, the people running for their lives, covered in dust and scared shitless we are all just TV watchers. It was scary as fuck for everyone but some people like to believe that they are the true survivors of 9/11.

I'm pretty much sick of 9/11 grief hogs. You know who I'm talking about. the people with the little banners on facebook, the mass e-mailers. I'm gonna fly my flag on 9/11 in honor of those that.. blah blah blah. I fly mine everyday fuckhead. Now like most things squishy and involved with feelings I get kind of turned off. Mostly because I see it as a show. I'm gonna show everyone how deeply I feel things. Watch me empathize. I am remembering, are you remembering as much as I am? If you're not remembering and grieving like me then you don't love your country like I do. See? I put an American flag on my facebook page. That means I am feeling and remembrance-ing. I have to say some of the people doing this on facebook I like a lot, they're good people but obviously not as prone to hating outward appearances of grief and mourning like I am. I take my grief of the shitty things that have occurred in my life, put them in a dark place and drink them to death. I don't facebook them and I don't flag wave them and I don't give a shit if anyone else knows I feel them. It is a rare occasion that I dwell into them in front of someone else. Now putting a little flag on Facebook doesn't hurt anyone but it certainly isn't bringing anyone back either. It's just a grandstand, a mock action of solidarity to be in a club of almost were's that didn't actually have a building fall on their heads but kind of wish they did. Let the people who lost people mourn in their own way, let the mourn brigade and grief tourists stick their little flags up their disingenuous asses.

STUFF I LIKE VS STUFF I DON'T LIKE

2010-09-10T11:02:00.003-04:00

Stuff I like: Charlize Theron's ass leaning into her car I like...a lot. She was shopping in her little, tiny shorts and a flannel shirt when boom, the paparazzi come and take her picture. Sure she planned on wearing her little tramp shorts but it's not her taking a picture of herself. Just a ht chick showing some ass. Wonderful.

Stuff I don't like: Demi Moore taking pictures of herself and posting them on the internet to show how hot she still is for an older chick. Yes she looks good but the desperation to still matter is so obvious it's just sad. We get it, you're a hot milf that bangs a younger dude. Big fucking wow. She's hot but only in a plastic surgery, coke whore, older porn chick kind of way. She's got three grown up, big jawed, daughters, shouldn't she put down her blackberry and put a chisel to her kids chins? Wanna see more ridiculousness? Watch the video of her dancing in front of a Snoop Dog audience. You can smell the irrelevance coming off her while she freaks Ashton like a stripper having a seizure. Pretty friggin funny.

TEA PARTY CANDIDATE SAY MASTURBATION IS THE SAME AS CHEATING...IF SO, I'M CHEATING RIGHT NOW

2010-09-08T16:01:00.006-04:00

I'm gonna cheat right now to this picture of a tea party retard. Yeah... that's it, smile in your pinstripe suit you little whore... yeah, I see that necklace swooping low against your slut chest. Mind if I pull your long, dark, brown hair? Oh yeahhh, repressed catholic conservative nutcase..that's it...you're awesome... surrender Dorothy! uhhhgggohhhyeahhhh. Nice. Cheating with conservatives is fun.

Christine O'Donnell who is running for the Joe Biden's old senate seat in Delaware doesn't like people playing with their naughty bits cause it makes Jesus cry. She said that masturbation requires lust which is cheating in your heart which the bible considers cheating. Ok, so instead of looking at porn and peeling one off to someone i don't know i should find someone to bang becauee they're equally as wrong. Sounds good to me.

She's also extremely paranoid and likes to lie a lot. In other words, she's probably a crazy freak in the sack. This is how she describes the political forces that are against her.

"She recently told the Weekly Standard that she doesn't give out the location of her house because it was broken into and vandalized during the 2008 campaign -- even though there is no police report of any such incident... "They’re following me," O'Donnell claimed. "They follow me home at night. I make sure that I come back to the townhouse and then we have our team come out and check all the bushes and check all the cars to make sure that—they follow me....They knock on the door at all hours of the night. They’re hiding in the bushes when I’m at candidate forums."

This is what passes for a candidate to conservatives these days. The republicans created this monster now they're peeling votes away from their own candidates.
The republicans are gonna win back the house and maybe the Senate with these Taliban-esque freak shows. Good luck America. We're pretty fucked.

MINE EYES HAVE SEEN THE GLORY OF...UH, SOME STUFF

2010-09-07T09:35:00.004-04:00

I was out and about doin' all sorts of crap this past holiday weekend and with all that stuff doing came some stuff seeing.

Whenever my wife and I are going somewhere I always point things out to her while we walk or while I drive, "did you see that dog on the back of a motorcycle? Did you see that big, fat, lady with the doodie stain on the back of her sweats? Did you see that blue jay swoop down at that cat?" "No I didn't, now keep your eyes on the road." She snaps back at me. "Ok, Ok." I say as I mumble shit about her under my breath. What I'm actually trying to say here while making my wife look a nasty person is that I pretty much notice everything going on around me. This past weekend my wife was sick so I was free to take my kids out with me and point out at all the stuff I wanted to without her being jealous of my awesome alertness. So what did I see? Wonderful things.

At stop and shop I saw a guy with gray hair and a gray beard around 60 years old buying two big boxes of condoms. Actually, he wasn't buying them he was holding them while on line at the pharmacy counter probably waiting for his viagra. "What level of disgusting skank is he gonna bang till she dies this weekend?" I said to myself as a cold, disgust shiver ran up my spine.

I saw a hot girl sitting with her boyfriend at a farm stand. They were sitting at the table next to me and my son facing us. I glanced over at the girl, about 22-ish with a super tight wife beater, dirty blond hair in pony tail, nice face, nice rack and tiny shorts. She was on the same side of the table next to her man kind of sitting with half her ass on the corner edge of the bench. She had one leg under the table front ways and one swung out toward me. She was wearing short athletic shorts. very short. Like I can see your vagina short. I say they were, I can see your vagina short because I could see her vagina, or at least some of it. I t was kind of a mush of panties and exposed crotch. Still it was a nice surprise. I gave a quick glance or two trying hard not to be obvious. I kept looking their way, toward the sun as if I was an aborigine who could tell time by gauging it's height or I would scan the parking lot pretending to look for something then I'd throw the eye glance downward and back to my drink. I know it's pervy but I'm a man, man. Kill me, I like young lady parts. My son looked over at her crotch and was beginning to take an interest and I said, "Hey let's go see the ducks!" I sadly had to leave while her goods got a good air out. I left them exposed but unwatched and unappreciated.

Now the reason I could not linger and maybe sneak another quick peak at the vaj free shot is because my son has no filter and seems to have the same powers of observation that I have except he likes to say exactly what he sees very loudly. Earlier that day while we were at Stop and Shop, before I saw the old guy with the condoms, we saw a lady with a huge 50 inch wide ass. "That lady has a huge butt!" He said, easily within the woman's earshot. I threw him a, shut the fuck face. But he didn't seem to get it. "Dad, did you hear me? That lady has a huge butt!" I gave him the under the breath, I'm gonna bust your head if you open that mouth again, speech. Then when we were away from the woman i told him how mean that was and how he probably hurt her feelings and to keep it to himself when he sees stuff like that.

"You mean I can just think that she has a big butt?"
"Yes." I said.
"And I won't go to hell for that?"
"No." I said.
"Good, ok I'll just think the stuff I want to say when I see weirdos"
"Just keep your mouth shut." I said.

No more than 45 seconds later we are going down an isle and there is a guy in a wheelchair with only one leg.
"Jesus fucking christ" I say to myself. "Please don't say anything."

I look over at my son about to throw some fucking apples down his throat if he opens his mouth to speak but he just gives a quick glance at the guys stump. The guy wheels himself by us and my son says nothing. I look down at my boy and he he motions with his thumb about the guy with one leg and then makes the motion of cutting off his own leg. I nodded as if to say, "Yes, I see, the guy only has one leg." I patted him on the head and got the fuck out of there as fast as I could.

MACHO SALAD

2010-09-03T16:06:00.003-04:00

Here is how a real man makes a salad. This is a clip from a swedish movie where the husband feels his marriage is falling apart due to a lack of machismo so he ratchets up the testosterone while he helps with the dinner. The salad dressing he makes looks awesome...and very macho. I've been cooking like this for years and my wife gets all worked up every time.

I HAVE ALWAYS DEPENDED ON THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS

2010-09-03T09:08:00.003-04:00

I got a flat tire yesterday and Jesus Christ I've never had so much trouble changing a flat in my life and if it weren't for some random dude coming by on a moped I to assist would have been fucked. When the tire blew i was on the way to the doctor with my kid. I hear the tire flopping around I stop and say, "10 minutes!" that's about how long changing a tire should take. An hour and a half later I was exhausted, covered in sweat and dirt and soot and grease with bloody knuckles.

The first problem was there is no fucking level ground in my town, I'm trying to hoist a 4000 pound friggin suv with a bullshit jack that is way to small for the size of my vehicle on unlevel ground. The car kept slipping off the jack and it bent the jack so trying to get the car high enough with a bent jack to slip the donut on was next to impossible. The next thing was my car has 4 regular lug nuts and then a different one that needs a separate chuck that fits on the tire iron to get the last nut off. I couldn't find the fucking thing. I had never had to change a tire on this car so I didn't know where the fucking thing was. It wasn't where the jack was so I searched and that took some time to pull everything out of the car until I found it in my glove box inside a an envelope. Then the tire is kept under the car, you have to unravel a cable with the tire iron and then slip the spare of the block that it hangs from. I only found this out by reading my manual after trying to twist the thing off for abut 5 minutes. So I'm laying in the gravel in the 90 degree heat with a bent car jack trying to get the fucking car up. I succeed, I'm about to put the spare on, my kid jumps into the back of the car and... bang! Down comes car, jack bent to shit. I call my wife, bring me your car jack, she shows up all pissed off. I use her jack...not big enough. She's got a regular sedan so her jack doesn't lift the car high enough to get the spare on. I fit my bent jack under there, it takes me about 25 minutes to turn the crank on the jack unti the car is high enough off the ground, the guy who came by on the moped assists me because at his point I'm about to fucking die. I still need another half an inch but the jack is so bent I can't turn it anymore, I say fuck it, grab the front of the car and lift like the hulk and the guy slips the spare on. Then my younger son takes the tire iron and flings it into the overgrown brush never to be seen again. Fucking moron.

OLIVIA MUNN'S POON IS ON FIRE

2010-09-02T16:04:00.004-04:00

I'm gonna cook some smores over that thing. All I need is a big stick...oh wait, it's in my hand...like always. Gotta say, call me crazy but I really like hot girls in panties. I want to be on her.

ME FAIL POLOTIKS? THAT'S UNPOSSIBLE

2010-09-02T13:16:00.006-04:00

Here's the racist dipshit that runs Arizona getting her dipshit on. This puppet faced hag just can't seem to remember what the fuck she's done the last two years in Arizona except of course fight the evil government and ethnically profile them dirty, brown, folks. She fucks up right at the beginning and fixes herself but then she goes back off the rails into the crickety silence of Cindy Brady-land. Watch the awesomeness starting at around 32 seconds in. Then as if she isn't stupid enough in the 2nd clip during the debate she refuses to back off a statement she made that people were being beheaded in the desert. When questioned by a local news woman and some other reporters she turns tail and runs. Republicans love to just make shit up, it's not overly surprising what happens when someone calls them out on it. Run Away!

I'D WATCH MUMMY

2010-09-02T10:54:00.003-04:00

I do believe all the people in this video are from one of my favorite real shows, Starz's, "Party down." if you're like me than you've probably always wondered what it would be like to perform cunnilingus on a mummy. Now I know. It's A little dry, a little dusty but sexy as hell.

Mummy! from Lizzy Caplan

THE ASSHOLE FROM WASILLA: VANITY FAIR RIPS PALIN A NEW ONE

2010-09-02T08:46:00.005-04:00

One small part of me hopes Sarah Palin becomes the next president of the United States. I think this way because a country stupid enough to let this moronic asshole become its leader deserves the shit storm that would befall us if she ever got her lying, ignorant, hands on the reigns of power. I will say this knowing that it is 100% true and irrefutable; if you like Sarah Palin or think that she would be a good President, you either have a severe mental illness or an IQ so low that it borders on retardation . There is no other way around it. If you would trust the country to her, then it's a fucking miracle your brain remembers to tell your central nervous system to have you breathe.

Vanity Fair writer Joseph Gross finally has done what no one else in the media seems to have the balls to do, he went and followed the "North Star" around and talked to all the people who know her best and revealed what an unhinged, spoiled, narcissistic, dishonest, clueless and dangerous idiot this woman is. There's some great stuff in here that reveals who this heinous woman really is. Here's a boatload of the good shit from the article

"Her on-the-record statements about herself amount to a litany of untruths and half-truths. "

"Then Palin departs from the script and speaks as if from the heart, describing her fear and confusion upon discovering that Trig would be born with Down syndrome. “I had never really been around a baby with special needs,” she tells her listeners. For what it’s worth, this statement is untrue. Depicting the same moment of discovery in her own book, Palin writes that she immediately thought of a special-needs child she knew very well: her autistic nephew. Such falsehoods never damage Palin’s credibility with her admirers, because information and ideology are incidental to this relationship."

One friend of the Palins’ remembers an argument between Sarah and Todd: “They took all the canned goods out of the pantry, then proceeded to throw them at each other. By the time they got done, the stainless-steel fridge looked like it had got shot up with a shotgun...This friend adds, “As soon as she enters her property and the door closes, even the insects in that house cringe. She has a horrible temper, but she has gotten away with it because she is a pretty woman.”

"Palin’s former personal assistants all refused to comment on the record for this story, some citing a fear of reprisal. Others who have worked with Palin recall that, when she feels threatened, she does not hesitate to wield some version of a signature threat: “I have the power to ruin you.”

"Early in the 2008 campaign, when John McCain’s aides discovered that Alaska-size gaps existed in Palin’s general knowledge (among those previously unreported: she had no idea who Margaret Thatcher was)

"...But the real concern is with Palin herself—they don’t want her to find out they have talked with a reporter, because of a suspicion that bad things will happen to them if she does. The salty, seen-it-all bartender at one of the town’s best restaurants says, “I wish you luck—but I like my job.”

"I end up in the living room of Colleen Cottle... who served on the city council when Palin was mayor. She says she and her husband, Rodney, will pay a price for speaking candidly about Palin... “But it is time for people to start telling the truth,” Colleen says. She describes the frustrations of trying to do city business with a mayor who “had no attention span— who was unable to take part meaningfully in conversations about budgets because she “does not understand math or accounting—she only knows buzzwords, like ‘balanced budget’ ”; and who clocked out after four hours on most days, delegating her duties to an aide—“but he’ll never talk to you, because he has a state job and doesn’t want to lose it.” This type of conversation is repeated so often that Wasilla starts to feel like something from The Twilight Zone or a Shirley Jackson short story—a place populated entirely by abuse survivors.

“This whole hunter thing, for Sarah? That is the biggest fallacy,” says one longtime friend of the family. “That woman has never hunted. The picture of her with the caribou she says she shot? She got out of the R.V. to pose for a picture. She never helps with the fishing either. It’s all a joke.” The friend goes on to recall that when Greta Van Susteren came to the house to interview Palin “[Sarah] cooked moose chili and whatnot. Todd was calling everyone he knew the day before—‘Do you got any moose?’ Desperate.”

"Some details of the Palins’ private life, however, suggest a reality at odds with Sarah’s image...One person who has been a frequent houseguest of the Palins’ says that the couple began many mornings with screaming fights, a fusillade of curses: “ ‘Fuck you,’ ‘Fuck this,’ ‘You lazy piece of shit.’ ‘You’re fuckin’ lucky to have me,’ Sarah would always say.” (This person never saw Todd and Sarah sleep in the same bed, and recalls that Todd would often joke, “I don’t know how she ever gets pregnant.”)

"...There’s a general consensus in town that, at least since the start of the 2008 campaign, Todd has been shouldering the bulk of the parenting and that Sarah’s relationship with her children has grown more distant. The children did not, as Sarah has claimed, have a chance to weigh in on her decision to run for vice president. She did not even deliver the news to them personally; as has been reported, she asked McCain’s campaign manager, Steve Schmidt, to do it for her."

"...Despite railing at the press for invading her family’s privacy, Palin showed little ambivalence during the campaign about making some aspects of the childrens’ private lives public to serve her interests. Soon after her nomination, she brought up with McCain aides the subject of Bristol’s out-of-wedlock pregnancy by Levi Johnston: “Would it be good for the campaign if they got married before the election?” she asked, and went on to wonder whether one weekend or another would be more advantageous for media coverage..."

"Sometimes the children rebelled. A campaign aide remembers that one of the Palin children found her mother’s public displays of piety especially grating. Though Palin prayed and read the Bible every night, aides never saw the family join her for devotionals. “You’re just putting on a show. You’re so fake,” one of the children said when Palin made a point of praying in front of other people. “This is not who you are. Why are you pretending to be something you’re not?”

"...Those who once felt close to Palin have followed her public transformation with a confused range of emotions. The common denominator is sadness. “People who loved Sarah Palin are disappointed,” said one woman in Wasilla, “because they found out that Sarah Palin loves Sarah Palin most of all.”

ICKQUAY! AMSCRAY! AZYCRAY ITCHBAY ISWAY OMINGCAY OWNDAY ETHAY IMNEYCHAY!

2010-08-31T22:59:00.005-04:00

When dealing with an unhinged crazy chick trying to get into your house by way of chimney, always use pig latin while escaping so they don't catch on that you're slippin' out the side door. And remember, the last time you saw the crazy bitch she was on your roof about to dive into the chimney so when you return, make sure she didn't get her dumb ass stuck up there or you'll have a dead, smelly, dripping body fluids mess all stuck up in your shit and then they'll have to tear the shit up to get her dead ass out.

"A doctor involved in an "on-again, off-again" relationship apparently tried to force her way into her boyfriend's home by sliding down the chimney, police said Tuesday. Her decomposing body was found there three days later. Dr. Jacquelyn Kotarac, 49, first tried to get into the house with a shovel, then climbed a ladder to the roof last Wednesday night, removed the chimney cap and slid feet first down the flue...While she was trying to break in, the man she was pursuing escaped unnoticed from another exit "to avoid a confrontation," authorities said."
It just goes to show you that even female doctors are batshit nuts. Jumping down a friggin chimney like the fucking Grinch. How stupid and crazy can one unhinged chick doctor be? Dr. Seuss was probably a better doctor than her. In fact, I think he wrote a book, "Dr. crazy chick Grinch"

...she took off the cap, ever so nimbley and just like that, chucked herself down the chimbley. She found herself caught in a mighty tight pinch, would this be it for Doctor crazy chick grinch? She called and she screamed and made quite the clatter but no one came to see what was the matter. She banged her gardinkas and blew her who-honkers but her man had a plan and escaped east to Yonkers.

That's gotta be a fucking terrible way to go. I do feel bad for her but doing stupid crazy shit gets you dead. Let this be a warning to all the crazy, looney tunes women out there, if you should feel the need to climb a roof and hurl yourself down a chimney to reach your man, don't! Just do what all the still living crazy chicks do, cyber stalk the guy until he chucks himself down a chimney.

WHAT TIGER GAVE A WAY A FEW HUNDRED MILLION FOR

2010-08-31T13:09:00.002-04:00

This is Rachel Uchitel's sandy, non shapely, bony ass. This is ground zero of Tiger Wood's implosion. She's the one his wife first suspected him of cheating with so forget all the other hags who came out tof the woodwork after the cat twas already out of the bag, she is the main culprit. Worth a few hundred? Maybe. A few Hundred million? N.E.V.E.R. ! I don't care if she can tie a dick into a knot with that verginer of hers, not worth blowing up your family, your career and your bank account over. Stupid man. Broke the cardinal sin of cheating. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times; never bottom feed. For all of tigers money he could havebeen nailing the top bimbos on the planet, instead he went with ol' sandy vagina over here. Stupid man.

1ST DAY OF SCHOOL, I THINK I'M GONNA PUKE

2010-08-31T11:43:00.003-04:00

Poor ham, poor Pickles. Taken away from their loving parents and thrust into the cold, mechanical, gears of society, where their innocent brains are churned in the education meat grinder to come out the other end tasting like conformity. I seriously dread the 1st day of school, I feel so awful and nervous, I almost never worry about anything but today I need 5 xanax or five prostitutes or any combination of the above. My kids don't seem to give a shit, they're fine. I feel like I'm gonna be sick. I can't explain it, I just hate the first day of school, always have. I hated it when I was a youngster and since I've had kids, I hate it even more. I didn't think that was possible. It's a god-awful feeling, putting your kids in the hands of a school. It gets better after a day or two but the first day is rough. You hope your kids will do everything they're supposed to, that they will be good, that they'll listen well, follow directions, keep their hands to themselves, not say fart jokes all day long, not call girls brainless jerks, (which my son did yesterday)that they'll make friends, that the teacher won't be an asshole, that I won't get calls saying my kid shit his pants, that they don't get bullied or bully others, that they will not be the biggest pain in the ass in the the class. Basically, I just want them to sit still and never talk for a whole year. My poor ham, my poor pickle. I miss those two jerks.

NOT EVERYTHING AT THE EMMY'S WAS GAY

2010-08-30T10:58:00.002-04:00

Why am I so mesmerized by these things? I stare and stare and stare. I try to use the part of my brain that doesn't think about tits all day to try to talk sense and explain to the part that does think about them why they're no big deal and to just move on but the part of my brain that loves giant breasts is so strong, so very, very, strong! My tits brain simply laughs at the thinking part of my brain, it kicks sand in it's face, it gives it a wedgie and hangs it from a locker. There is no use trying to reason with my own brain it knows what it wants and so I stare...and stare and dream and drool a little.

BROKEBACK EMMY'S

2010-08-30T09:34:00.009-04:00

I was watching the Emmy awards with the wife last night and we couldn't help but notice that it was kind of extra gay. I mean, we get it, it's Hollywood, every other dude is gay but last night's show was like community theater on Fire Island. From Glee and Modern Family winning every possible award to every gay person on the planet winning every award it was well...very gay. Speaking of gay, My wife and I both agreed that Jim Parsons the guy from Big bang theory looks like he might have some sort of wasting disease...ya know...from being gay.

I got sick of watching the same two shows win every fucking award plus Edie Falco winning for best comedic performance for Nurse Betty over my girl Tina Fey was an outright anal rape, I was seething like a gay man after seeing a woman wear white after labor day, Nurse Betty isn't funny. So I switched to True Blood which was less gay than the Emmys which was really saying something because True Blood, while awesome... is quite gay. Vampires are a gay bunch to start with but throw in a Gay, black chef and drug dealer, Lafayette always making out and snuggling with his Latino boyfriend and the main evil vampire's gay boyfriend getting staked mid-butt sex by a Bi-curious ex-viking vampire and you've got lot's of vampy gayness, love the show but pretty fucking gay. True blood ended so I put on a true man show for true men ;Mad Men.

Not that gay men aren't true men, but if you don't have to deal with women in romantic relationships then you've never truly suffered and being a man is all about suffering. That's why we play tough sports and lug heavy shit and get into fist fights. We don't want to but it's part of being a man, it's our lot in life, our burden. So is putting up with women and all of their bullshit, gay men don't have to, they get to drink mojitos, pick up random strangers in pickle parks and blow whistles, therefore they will never truly pass as 100% real men. They're about 95.7 real man, they lose 4 full points for not having to put up with crazy bitches and .03 for doing gay shit with other guy's cocks. But back to Mad Men, that's a man show after my own heart it's all about drinking, sleeping around with hot women, drinking some more, finding some more women to bang and writing cough drop ads...and there's like only 1 gay /English dude on the whole show.

ALL WOMEN SHOULD BE SENT TO JAIL

2010-08-27T10:02:00.002-04:00

If they're gonna come out looking like this, I say lock all the bitches up for a few weeks. Lindsay Lohan is out, and by out I mean busting outta that purple top. kapow bitches! Man oh man, I would gladly give her some weak, stepped on, baking soda rich blow to play with those boobies. I love me some Lindsay Lohan. She's gotta have some sex tape floating around right? Oh wait, forget it, it would probably be with that fucking skuzzbag Samantha Ronson chick. That would do unfixable damage to my brain and my penis... to my penisbrain. We can't have that. Lindsay, do me a favor, please make a sex tape with a hot chick that doesn't look like a homeless, crack meth addicted, 15 year old boy or with a professional sex tape dude like Screech from saved by the bell. Dirty lindsay Sanchez anyone?

COMEDIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK TEARS RIGHT WINGER A NEW ASSHOLE

2010-08-26T11:41:00.003-04:00

Trying to defeat moronic bullshit one asshole at a time is no way to defeat the ignorance of a huge chunk of America's idiot population, someone should hijack the Fox news airwaves and go on a rant like this. It would be fun to watch. Oh yeah anyone notice newscorp, Fox new's parent comapny donating a million dollars to A Republican governors pac? Very fair and balanced. Fox news is such a right wing joke it makes Keith Olbermann look like William F. Buckley. I remeber when we first started bombing Iraq and everyone was saying we should take out Al Jazeera because it's just a propaganda tool for radical Islam I would Fox news is far more detrimental to this nation than 100 Al jazeeras could ever be. Knock their fucking satellites out of the sky and see if this country doesn't quickly become a better place to live.

TED'S HODGEPODGE OF UNCONNECTED CRAP

2010-08-25T14:26:00.007-04:00

Lot's of strains in ol' Duder's head. I've been livin' hard..on the edge...doin' stuff...crazy stuff, like Chuck E cheeses last night. Fucking insane.

So here's what I've been thinking about besides boobies.

I've been very, very, interested in my NY Jets this training camp hoping that corner back Darrelle Revis will get a contract, come to camp and be around to shut down all the wide receivers this year like he did last. With Revis on the left and Antonio Cromardie on the right and rookie Kyle Wilson playing the nickle, the Jets secondary will be pretty friggin' awesome. I can't wait to see Tom Brady throw picks and take licks. I don't think the Jets are as good as they are pumping themselves up to be because Mark Sanchez still doesn't know what the fuck he's doing but it should be fun to watch the defense kick the shit out of people. The pats will still probably take the division, Jets, if lucky, wild card.

Played a gig the other day at an Irish club in Connecticut, it was fun, we blasted the ears off of some old folks but the kids dug us. The gig was a fundraiser to raise money for a woman whose husband just croaked leaving her with three little kids who were dancing around and having fun. The oldest kid, a girl around 10 years old, kept spinning and dancing around as we played. After the gig she came up to me and said, "You guys were so friggin' awesome, you made me really happy." Seeing an opening, I asked her if she could lend me some beer money being that we were doing the gig for free and it was a cash bar. Actually, the best comment of the day was when we were setting up and the family priest asked everyone to lower their heads and say a prayer. The drummer who is a serious atheist played along. After a solemn prayer espousing eternal life for the guy who died and wishing that God's grace and strength be bestowed upon the family, my drummer leaned over to me and whispered, "What a crock of shit." I had the 2nd best line of the day when we were eating at the buffet, I picked up a slice of turkey and said in the most dickish way possible, "Clearly, this is not boars head."

More facebook woes. I'm seriously thinking of throwing in the towel on that site. My biggest problem is that the people who constantly post shit are the people I most don't want to hear from and my funniest friends, the people who might actually write something funny or interesting never write anything because they're too busy actually living interesting lives. To put it quite bluntly, most of the people who post shit are boring as all fuck, one foot in the grave, sad sacks. Boring, not funny, not interesting, self obsessed, whiners. I can't tell you how many times I've gone on facebook and wanted to just write in all caps, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ARE BORING ME TO DEATH! Now I'm as self obsessed as the next man if the next man is Oprah but at least I try to write some somewhat funny crap or at least be a tad different which is better than just being completely un-funny, self LOL writing, I went to the gym, my dog is cute, I had a bad day, the weather is bad, gonna go shop for school clothes, my kids baseball team is awesome, etc... it's like they're pod people. That's what these people are, pods like from invasion of the Body snatchers, they might have been interesting at one point in their lives but they got married, had kids gave up and were replaced by these boring fucks that post shit about being betrayed and let down and disappointed. Duh assholes. Marriage, kids, home improvements, commuting, jobs... they are all supposed to suck and have since the dawn of time. Nothing new there. Here's an actual post from a soon to be suicide case I grew up with.

Another crappy day off & I'm let down again. If I'm let down any more I'll be in HELL up to my waist right now I'm at my knees

First off, it barely makes sense. I think she typed this on her phone with a rope around her neck while swinging above the kitty litter. Secondly, quit posting about it and just end it...quick. Put a 38 in your mouth and pull the fucking trigger. Put yourself out of my misery. LOL, ROTFL, Big hugs, heart emoticon.

ON MOSQUES AND MORONS

2010-08-24T12:02:00.005-04:00

A black, ground zero, construction worker gets accosted by mob of biggoted dipshits

Sometimes the level of stupidity in this country even surprises me and I think every third person is a simple minded mongoloid. Irish Catholics who protest this mosque are quite simply complete fucking idiots, Mormons who protest this mosque, complete fucking morons, Jews, morons, basically any ethnic group or religious group has has a problem with the so-called, ground zero mosque or as I call it, the Burlington coat factory mosque, are stupid, forgetful, bigoted fucks. Every major group in this country has been treated like shit at one point or another and for Catholics to not see parallels with what's going on with all the Muslim bashing and what happened to Catholics in the 1840's and 50's is just blind ignorance and blatant stupidity.

For those of you not in the know, for the first 200 years of this country's history, Catholicism was viewed by many Americans as an evil, "foreign" religion where the adherents could not be trusted because they were dedicated to bringing down democracy and imposing a papacy. Sound familiar? There was enough anti-catholic animosity bubbling amongst the masses that a whole political party called the Know nothings was formed that basically had one goal, to drive all the Catholics out of America. The Know nothings tried to achieve this by burning down catholic churches and going through mostly German and Irish catholic neighborhoods and Ghettos and murdering people. Before the church burnings and murders there was just mobs of angry misinformed assholes blaming Catholics for all their perceived woes. Just like now. But we all know where this kind of scapegoating and demagoguery leads to. Now the catholic church stood by and allowed many priests to rape children but no one is saying you can't build a catholic church near a playground. No mosque here! No catholic church here! Same fucking difference.

Mormons. Mormons like Glenn Beck should remember how their church ended up in Utah. It wasn't because they hated the east coast or the mid west, it was because everywhere they went people tried to kill them and burned down their meeting houses. The church's founder and major league bullshitter, Joseph Smith, was murdered by a mob in Illinois. Now Mormonism is pretty fucking out there but it's adherents shouldn't be killed or told they can't can't build churches. They can be told not to have 10 wives and not to give their 13 year old daughters to their pervy uncles to marry.

Jews: Well we all know Jews have a legitimate gripe with Muslims but being Jews, the most historically disliked and scapegoated people on the planet they should have some fucking sense of when another religious group is being treated like second class citizens. Especially in New York where the history of antisemitism is as old as the city itself. Peter Stuyvesant the Governor of New Amsterdam didn't want Jews as colonists, wouldn't let them join the militia and then taxed them for not being in the militia, would not grant them permits to start businesses and refused them the right to build a synagogue. Wow, that sounds familiar.

I've argued this mosque with a bunch of people and all their arguments are of the emotional/racist/fearful/misinformed/holier than thou/ground zero=holyground=all muslims caused 9/11 hogwash. Basically their arguments are all formed by watching Fox and friends stupidity. It's a terror training base! It's a victory mosque! Ridiculous. I love this particular argument. "They have the right to build one, but they shouldn't anyway." This is the cake and eat it argument. Which tries to say, "I'm a lover of the constitution and the rights it grants unless of course these rights are upheld by people I don't like then they should move it so as to not hurt my feelings because they offend me. And if they don't move I'll do everything within my power to shame them into moving." Very patriotic. There is no logic to their bullshit only hate and distrust. These people crying over this thig seriously have no balls, they are cowards shitting their pants over every perceived defeat. " It's too close to ground zero. They should be sensitive to my feelings of the holy ground that was the Burlington coat factory." Well, just how far away is far enough to build? Where does the ground stop being "Holy" Can they build a mosque in Brooklyn? Can they find some space on any of the boroughs that won't be considered "holy ground" to these flag waving bullshit artists? Wave the flag but forget what it's supposed to stand for. Good work screaming anti-Muslim slogans all over fox news and TV, playing right into hands of the crazy bastards that actually did attack us. Fucking morons. Fucking idiots.

Christopher Hitchens, no fan of Islam says it well; "Two weeks ago, I wrote that the arguments against the construction of the Cordoba Initiative center in lower Manhattan were so stupid and demagogic as to be beneath notice. Things have only gone further south since then, with Newt Gingrich's comparison to a Nazi sign outside the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum or (take your pick from the grab bag of hysteria) a Japanese cultural center at Pearl Harbor."

OH BOY, A CELEBRITY PORNO I MIGHT HAVE TO BUY...FOR THE ECONOMY

2010-08-20T17:44:00.004-04:00

According to the best news site in the world, TMZ, reality star Spencer Pratt is supposedly trying to a sell a sex video of he and his soon to be fake ex-wife, Heidi Montag. Now I know they did this to whore out their fame even more than they already have but this in my book is a great call. No one cares about Heidi or Spencer, she's just a plastic freak and he's just a douche but if I and others get to see this ass in gear doing the only thing it was put on this earth to do and the product is decently shot with good lighting then the world will beat down her door...for at least another 6 months. Now she might be a demented, surgery addicted, brain dead, fame whore with a body made entirely out of latex, Popsicle sticks and Elmers glue but I don't give crap, that is one fine ass. I'm putting my purchase order in today.

WITHOUT ALL THE GLAMOUR PHOTOGRAPHY AND DESIGNER CLOTHES CHRISTINA HENDRICKS IS JUST A PRETTY GIRL WITH A HUGE ASS

2010-08-20T12:02:00.004-04:00

Oh yeah... and giant, awesome, breasts. I don't care how she looks in her street, big ass, momma jeans, I'd still bring down the sledgehammer and ring that bell. Ding! When I look at her pictures I feel an overwhelming urge to squeeze my monitor or a pillow. She should really sell breast sqeezes to random assholes like myself. Fifty bucks for 1 squeeze, I'd Mr. Whipple her ass until I was broke. I'd take a second mortgage out on my house to manhandle those mams. I want to be her baby. I'm thirsty momma, really, really, thirsty.

BETHANY FRANKEL'S FACE IS TORTURE BUT LIKE A KITTEN CAUGHT IN A BLENDER, I CAN'T LOOK AWAY

2010-08-16T18:02:00.005-04:00

If you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all. That's a good rule right? Believe it or not, I'm trying more and more to live up to that standard in my life. (except for this blog) But it's a really, really, hard thing to do when there are so many assholes in the world. Now is it mean thing to write that her face is torture? Yes. Am I proud of myself? No. Am I one to talk with my ugly face? No. But I didn't stick my ugly mug on a TV and pretend to be all glamorous when it actually looks like it's been kicked by a mule through the side of a building into a wok factory. Her face looks like a pancake and bacon griddle made by Calphalon with a non stick surface. Mean? yes. But I want her off my TV. I watch three or four shows, Top Chef is one of them and all these housewives shows and their commercials are constantly on and they're fucking killing me. I like watching TV and these vile tramps on their idiotic reality shows are ruining it for me.

The reality show thing just baffles me. You take a skuzz bag like Bethany Frankel, someone I wouldn't let handjob me even if I was on a desert island and she did it with her head in a rabbit hole, and you give her a show about her doing the shit that everyone else does. Is she more interesting or funny or compelling than anyone else? No, her face is, but she isn't. I actually see this show and the other housewives shows and marvel that there are men stupid enough to marry these harpies. They are all the dumbest, worst, ugliest, most self centered, selfish, stupid, gross, garish, people on the planet. Watch any of these shows and look at the women all late thirties, forties, early fifties trying to look like they just turned 21. I would vomit on these bitches if I ever saw them in person. These people keep interrupting my Top Chef episodes and I can't take it anymore, I'm gonna have to give up my sweet voluptuous Padme and her giant milky mommy tits all because of the syphilitic skanks of New Jersey and ugly Bethany and her nutless gay husband. There is no justice in this world.

here's a montage of pan face Bethany crying every three seconds.

DO THESE TWO ASSHOLES GROSS EVERYONE ELSE OUT TOO?

2010-08-13T12:19:00.002-04:00

I keep seeing this e Harmony commercial with Lee and Ann Marie? Whatever their names are, she scares me and he seems like a grade A douche. They show this goddamn commercial on every channel. I'm watching a Yankee game, there's Lee, I'm watching comedy central, there's Lee, I'm watching Hannah Montanna and masturbating, there's Lee. Is it me or does Lee kiss this chick like he's thinking he'd rather be blowing a dude... named Lee. He loves himself and she's a chick just wanted anyone and has Lee now and ain't gonna let go. I'll tell you what, I hope the building they live in collapses and crushes them both so I won't ever have to see them again. And I'll tell you something else, if a building did collapse on their heads it would be Lee crawling out all by himself and never ever looking back... unless its to look in a mirror. Fuck Lee.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT HILLARY SWANK

2010-08-13T11:35:00.003-04:00

There is no doubt her body is pretty friggin awesome and tight maybe a bit too much muscle but I'm secure in my manhood I can handle that. What I can't handle is that I am always distracted by her enormous chompers. It's like wanting to fuck Mr. Ed. if Mr. Ed was just a horse head with an awesome female human body attached. I guess everything would be alright if I just did my business from behind and there was no kissing or fellatio involved. But I like that stuff. Maybe if I stuck a feed bag over her face and just plowed on I could get past the distraction of her whinnying and teeth clacking together like porcelain dominoes being put in a bag after a game of Mexican train. Horses like apples right? If I was to shove a big red delicious apple in her mouth as I begin to mount her there would be no clacking, no whinnying, no neighing just me singing get along little doggies while I put the steer in her love corral.

SOMETIMES A SHOW READS FUNNIER THAN WATCHING IT

2010-08-13T10:06:00.003-04:00

I've been watching a lot of my favorite show, "It's Always sunny in Philadelphia" lately and thoroughly enjoying it. I was online reading a review of the show and it had a particular section of a script. The dialogue was from an episode where they find a glory hole in the bathroom stall at their bar. I laughed for about ten minutes. Now I had seen the episode and thought it was funny but sometimes reading the material for whatever reason makes the whole thing funnier so I figured I'd reprint a few gems from the show.

Dennis, Dee and Frank discover a glory hole in the bathroom at the bar:

Dee: Why would you want to have sex with someone you can't see?"

Dennis: Well, Dee, I think the real question is, why wouldn't you want to have sex with someone you can't see? It's very European. You see, Europe leads the way with sexual exploration. Quite frankly, I think it's time we caught up.

Frank: This sounds hot! I'm gonna go get some duct tape.

Dennis: Oh, now, hold on a second, Frank. Before you go sticking anything through that hole, you might want to consider that on the other side of this wall, more often than not, there's a dude.

Frank: But you can't see through the wall, so how do you know it's not a girl? You know, I could just picture a girl and then ... it's good!

Dennis: Right, well some might find that method effective. But it's a dangerous game you're playing, Frank.

Frank: Suppose the other guy is picturing a girl also!

Dee: How's he gonna do that with a dick in his mouth?

Frank: I don't know. That's his problem.

Mr. Kelly, you said that the defendant threatened that if you didn't, and I quote "Stick things up your butt, he would rape your butt until the room stinks, and then he would eat your butt and his son's butt until his stomach was... full of butt."

Dennis: Hi. I’m a recovering crackhead. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I’d like some welfare, please.

Mac: I do not even understand the smell coming from your body, dude.
Charlie: Oh my God, dude, relax. Dude, I forgot to put on deodorant, okay?
Mac: I have never once, never once seen you wear deodorant, Charlie, never once.
Charlie: Yeah, well, you’ve never seen me once wash my testicles either, but that doesn't mean I don’t do it every Friday.

Charlie: Do wasps make honey?
Dennis: No, wasps do not make honey.
Charlie: All right, well, I’m gonna check it out anyway; there could be something delicious in here that wasps do make, and I want that.

Mac: He doesn't have any poison.
Charlie: I don’t have any on me, but I do keep some in my fridge at home in the relish jar.
Frank: There’s poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles. What’s in the jar with the skull and crossbones?
Charlie: Well, that’s mayonnaise. It’s a decoy.
Frank: And the mayo?
Charlie: That’s shampoo.
Frank: You're telling I’ve been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?
Charlie: If you’ve been using the mayonnaise, then yeah, probably.

ASS!

2010-08-12T11:19:00.003-04:00

That's all I wanted to say

SCIENCE PROVES IT: WOMEN ARE A PAIN IN THE ASS

2010-08-12T01:22:00.005-04:00

I like scanning the science blogs and news sites for official, scientific, proof that my theories and ramblings are all based on fact. I often complain about women because I am a heterosexual, married man that lives on earth. Due to all of my earth dwelling I've come to a scientific conclusion: You bitches are fucking nuts. I love women. When you're feeling good and all is going well and the sun is shining and there's nothing to worry your insane minds about you're awesome. But when things go bad and all is not peachy, Jesus Christ, I can't get to a fucking escape pod quick enough. Now I'm wrapped tighter than a Chinese wristwatch, pretty much everything irks me to some degree and I've been known to stress out and lash out at times but, when the shit really goes down, and everything is falling apart, whether it being locked out of my hotel in the pouring rain at 4 in the morning in a foreign land or my parents croaking on me or my 3 year old kid is crushed under furniture and not moving, I'm cool as fuck. Women? Not so much.
A new study by National Institutes of Mental Health found that females react to stress in a very, very, bad way. The study found that on rats there are "striking gender differences" in susceptibility to stress hormones.

The key seems to be corticotrophin releasing factor (CRF), which is triggered during stress and attaches to receptors on cell membranes in the brain's "alarm center," leading to an aroused mental state.

Compared with females, male brains need more CRF to become agitated. And the receptors in male rats were also able to "retreat" inside cells, eluding CRF to minimize stress.

"When the going gets tough inside a locus ceruleus neuron, it's the female brain that acts 'macho,'" the study reads. "In response to a stressor, receptors for the stress hormone CRF remained exposed on the neuronal membrane in the female rat -- taking the full hit."

In other words, when the going gets tough, women act like crazy bitches. I've seen it too many times in my life, from my mother, to my sisters, to girlfriends, to my wife...all nuts and all the last persons I would want with me when things turn to shit. Remember the old movies where women would be in a disaster and would start freaking out and a man would have to slap her to knock her out of her conniption fit? Well that's all true.

The same study found that "women are twice as likely as men to suffer from mood and anxiety conditions like depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. Really? Women are moody and anxious? Did not know that. I'll tell you another thing women are GULLIBLE.

I was out having drinks with my lovely sisters and wife for my sisters birthday the other night and we were all having a swell time but when the talk shifted to romance and men Jesus Christ the fucking naivete that sprouted from my sisters 40 year old girl friend was of the 8th grade, Justine Bieber is awesome variety. This friend of my sisters was discussing a married man she knows. This guy sails with a crew of single women, drinks with the crew single women, bitches about his wife to crew of single women and "gets all kissy" when drunk with the crew of single women "but he would never cheat" on the wife that he rags about while being drunk and kissy with single women. How delusional is that? She can't be an adult woman and believe that can she? Why lie to yourself or is she really that dumb?

I try to lay out the truth about men as clearly as I can, there's not much to us. We like to have sex with women. If the occasion arises we will do it. Marriage will stop most men but they still want to bang everything. Many married men will still bang anything. We like money, we like sports, we like our wives and our kids and our houses and our toys and food but sex is what makes men act stupid and impulsive. Sex is the main thing that leads us to take stupid chances that can ruin our cozy lives. It's all about sex. Women feel an urge to have kids men feel an urge to make them.. or at least do the act that could possibly make them. There is nothing else to understand. Women my be nuts and are basically worthless in a pinch but guys still want to fuck their insane asses. Women are very lucky men are as horny as we are.

SARAH PALIN: THE EYE ROLLER THAT LEADS MILLIONS OF MORONS

2010-08-10T11:04:00.004-04:00

A few days ago while Sarah Palin was busy lying about fishing for Halibut in Homer Alaska for her reality show, she came across a woman with a sign that read "worst Governor Ever."
The woman with the sign accused Palin of quitting her job as Governor to chase money and celebrity. Palin made some typically moronic statement of how she is standing up for the constitution and the army or some such retarded bullshit. When Sarah Palin asks the woman what she does for a living the woman says, "I'm a teacher." With that, Sarah rolls her eyes and makes a face toward her slut, whore, daughter Bristol as if to say, "Oh a teacher, one of those elitist jerks. An educated person, a book reader, someone who deals with facts, no wonder she hates me. Learning is for jerks, right unmarried teen mom and one time high school dropout Bristol? After the chat Sarah Did damage control. She went on her favorite teenage mentality correspondent tool, Facebook to deny rolling her eyes,

(note Sarah uses LSM for Lame Stream Media, which is pretty much anyone who calls her out on her ever growing mountain of bullshit) She's very presidential
The LSM has now decided to use this brief encounter for another one of their spin operations. They claim I – wait for it – “appear to roll my eyes” when the lady tells me she’s a teacher. Yes, it’s come to this: the media is now trying to turn my eyebrow movements into story lines. (Maybe that’s why Botox is all the rage – if you can’t move your eyebrows, your “eye rolling” can’t be misinterpreted!) If they had checked their facts first, they would have known that I come from a family of teachers; my grandparents were teachers, my father was a teacher, my brother is a teacher, my sister works in Special Needs classrooms, my aunt is a school nurse, my mom worked as a school secretary for much of her professional life, we all volunteer in classrooms, etc., etc., etc. Given that family history, how likely is it that I would “roll my eyes” at someone telling me that they too work in that honorable profession? Stay classy, LSM.

The thing about dumb people is that they pretty much only hang out with other dumb people, this leads their stupid minds to believe that everyone else is as stupid as they are. In Palin's case, no one can out dumb her legion of dipshit fans so it's not surprising that she expects everyone to be stupid enough to believe her about rolling her eyes. Anyone that isn't a fucking retard can clearly see what this video shows and what every sane, intellectually honest, mildly intelligent person knows, Sarah Palin is a fucking dimwitted, lying, sack of dog shit.

People, mostly republicans, ask me why I hate this bitch so much. The answer is right in this video. She represents with one eye roll everything that is wrong with this country right now. She is the face of the GOP and she and her republican ilk have pushed their base to such sub moronic and unparalleled stupidity that being a teacher has now become a dirty word and something to be openly mocked. Sarah Palin is a heinous, awful, mentally challenged, immature person with an unapologetic disdain for education and intelligence. She is the GOP. She is the backward thinking frightened, and deeply stupid leader of a third of this nation. She is the future of American, right wing politics. It will not be long before she and her brain dead minions come for the books. Hide your Kindles.

TIME FOR THE LATEST INSTALLMENT OF: ANNOYING STUFF ON FACEBOOK

2010-08-06T10:12:00.002-04:00

One of my favorite things to bitch about is all the assholes that I'm supposedly friends with on Facebook. If Facebook does one thing well it is point out annoying habits of people you kind of know. Actually, It doesn't just point out people's annoying traits, it magnifies them until a person you kind of liked becomes a person you'd like to urinate on. Being a self taught psychoanalyst, I can pretty much deconstruct someone from what they post on Facebook. Obviously, the more someone posts, the easier it becomes to make inferences about someone's personality and psychological state. basically it's the same as talking to someone you just met. if you talk for three minutes they might seem nice and stable, give the same person three hours to spew their idiocy and you find out what a complete train wreck they are. Facebook is just like that with the one exception, you already supposedly know these people. This is where Facebook breaks ground. Facebook offers up in little snippets and 30 word bites someone's true personality. It reveals more about how people view themselves and how they view their place in the world than years of conversation. For example: "why is it always the people you trust the most that always disappoint you?" I can't tell you how many times I have read some version and variation of this post from some stupid married chick. Now the whole world knows that you've been let down. Boo fucking hoo. That's what I call a Martyr post. The whole world is against me now comfort me oh Facebook minions. The women who write this will never ever get the amount of attention they believe they deserve and will forever drive their poor husbands or boyfriends fucking nuts.

It is fairly easy to deduce from the facebook posts of most married women that they are miserable fucking bitches who need lots of attention and lots of psychological and medicinal help. It is also fairly easy to deduce that single women are also miserable harpies just waiting to sink their ravenous life sucking claws into a man...any man. Which brings me to deconstructing the men on facebook. There are pretty much two types, the type that kiss every girls ass on Facebook LOL-ing at every lame joke and agreeing with every lame scribble in the hopes of turning their ass kissery into some poon time and the guys who hardly write anything. I fall somewhere in between. I like trolling for facebook whores too but I can and never will lower myself to laugh at some jerky female's post that 97.5% of the time is the most unfunny douche scrawl I've ever read. I could go on forever.

YES..YES, I WILL MARRY YOU... AND YOUR WONDERFUL MAN ASS

2010-08-05T09:40:00.002-04:00

Congratulations gays! A federal court has struck down California's ridiculous proposition 8 that made gay marriage illegal on the grounds that it was...um.. a pretty stupid law. Quoting the opinion of Chief U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker, "I don't care if these mo's make you religious fucks uncomfortable with all the assfucking, strap on dick wearing and whistle blowing to bad disco, you can't legally stop consenting adults from ruining their lives by marrying each other if they really want to. The Declaration of independence states that all men have the inalienable right to life, liberty and the pursuit to dress fiercely."

After the ruling, many joyful lesbians kicked off their work boots, trimmed their crew cuts, cranked up Melissa Etheridge, simulated fellatio on each others fake penises and vowed to keep their bodies unshaved. It was like christmas, new years, the Ellen Degeneres show and the softball world series all rolled up into one.

JENNIFER ANISTON NEEDS TO GO TO MARS

2010-08-04T10:05:00.002-04:00

Can't she just stop and go away for a while? What's with this crap? She looks like a tranny at a penis tucking contest. Everywhere I turn I see pictures of this chick
and a headline bemoaning her lonely lady status. I'll make her a deal, I will marry her if she just stops existing.

KATY PERRY MAKES ME FEEL FUNNY IN MY PANTS

2010-08-04T09:48:00.004-04:00

I love it when mediocre musical talents just say, "fuck it" and start whoring themselves out. Two years ago Katy Perry was the new, fresh, fun loving, cool, crazy girl, now she's just straight up porn chick... and I respect that. She's got the mammoth yams and the nice round rump so why not exploit herself a bit and flaunt those goods. I just wish she'd go full bore and come out with a Kim Kardashian type porn then I'd touch myself until Jesus returns. I laugh every time I hear the expensive gifts she's buying for her fiance, Russel Brand. The guy is an ex-junkie and sex addict. if he hasn't already i guarantee he will get caught fucking someone else. She's got a smoking body and all but she's just one chick and sooner or later, Russel is just gonna want a different smoking body to bang. Good luck with the marriage titsy.

THIS WOMAN NEEDS MY SEED...AND SHE NEEDS IT BAD

2010-08-03T13:19:00.004-04:00

She's married isn't she? Why isn't she flushed with kids? Don't give me that acting career crap, why isn't she about to pop? If Christina Hendricks was my wife there would be no form of birth control strong enough or type of dirty, filthy, sex act perverse enough to stop my insane, heat seeking seed from finishing its task of impregnating her. It would take any route possible to crack her eggs. From inside her stomach like Pinocchio in the whale, my sperm would seek the path of righteousness to find some purchase. That body was put on this earth for one reason, the baring, nurturing and expulsion of my babies. Look at those hips, she could drop a baby out sideways. I want that woman to be a mommy to my kids. She might be a shit mother but just like Sir Edmund Hillary wanted to be the first to plant his flag on the top of Mount Everest I want to take ownership of her womb, well, first her Vagina then her womb. I want to be the first to cram a kid in that cranny and afterward slap some bumper stickers up in her uterus that say,Ted wuz here! So If her dickfaced, douche-nerd of a husband can't launch a BB of baby batter strong enough to penetrate her actress defenses then I will have to take over. What I lack in pinpoint accuracy would be made up for in sheer volume. I would just make it my business to keep her constantly doused in my love grog. Everything she touched from pillow to pencil would be swimming with my mojo. I would defile all her cosmetics, toothpaste tubes and feminine products with my manjam until she was ripe with Velvet. Then I would alert the media and say,

"Take heed all lesser men! Know that you are inferior with weak semen and unsuitable women with which to hold your offspring! It is my progeny that dwells within that perfect birthing vessel known as Christina Hendricks. It was I, Ted Velvet that busted some business all up in her shit to the point of conception! Take note and despair. Your testicles are now shamed! Acknowledge my greatness while I throw a bonus fuck on this hot, giant breasted bitch. Now kiss my ass and eat from the temple of my turds! Suck a dick he-bitches! Ted Out! "

It will so rule when I do all of this.

DOESN'T IT JUST STAB AT THE HEART TO KNOW THIS FUCKING RETARD WALKS AMONG US?

2010-07-26T12:36:00.002-04:00

I forgot to write last week about this stupid idiot and her "refudiate"post on Twitter about a planned Mosque a few blocks away from ground Zero.

"Ground Zero Mosque supporters: doesn't it stab you in the heart, as it does ours throughout the heartland? Peaceful Muslims, pls refudiate."

I have a few comments on this mind numbingly moronic post. Seriously, this woman is so stupid on so many levels that I find it cosmically insulting to be forced to share a planet with her.

Since when is the Fucking wilderness state all the way up in the northwest known as Alaska considered the "heartland?"

Why would "peaceful Muslim" supporters of the ground Zero mosque want to "refudiate" or repudiate or refute the building of a mosque? Why would it stab them in the heart? They didn't do anything wrong. They already support it because it's their religion and they clearly like being Muslims and having Mosques, just like Catholics like their religion and might want to build a new church even though priests have molested thousands of boys. Do Catholics have to refudiate every new building the church puts up? I don't get the logic. In fact, I say put the fucking Mosque on top of the new freedom tower. Let it rotate 360 degrees and let the mosque take the hit when the next Jihadists have a go at lower manhattan.

I don't really care that she's a brain dead piece of shit that makes up words because she's too stupid to look things up in a dictionary, I take offense at her trying to tell New Yorkers to think more like she does, like an fucktarded, ignorant, hillbilly racist. I know everything this evil cunt says and does is just a suck up to the seriously stupid Klan crowd that support her and that she couldn't locate Manhattan on a map and couldn't care less about mosques or New York. She just knows that hating Muslims and opposing a Mosque will sell to the right wing xenophobic masses.
All the people against this Mosque fail to realize that
A) there already is a Mosque closer to ground zero than this one will be and...
B) A country built upon the foundation of Freedom of religion can't start telling people where they can or can't have a church even if they scare us because they wear towels their heads and wipe their asses with their hands and fuck camels. Just kidding Muslims, I refudiate that comment, I love you guys.

Sarah palin and the rest of her dipshit idiots love the constitution... or at least the right to bare arms part. Everything else is just pussy left wing crap to them. The bill of rights is for homos. Watch this video against the building of the Mosque and notice how they call all Muslims, even the hundreds of Millions that haven't attacked anything, "They" Kind of 1930's Germany scary.

AT LAST A REASON TO LIKE MASSACHUSETTS...AND THE LITTLE IRISH GUY FROM NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK

2010-07-23T13:45:00.004-04:00

MA Men from Joey McIntyre

A silly mad men parody with Joey McIntyre from the new kids on the block called MA men, with wicked awesome Boston accents. It's wicked pissa funny.

"I'm talking about the time Joe Torre came in here to talk about his ball cancer PSA and you told him that he and Johnny Damon should suck each others cocks until they gave each other ball cancer in each others fucking esophagus's"

How can you not love a line like that?
even better, Joey McIntyre says, "I'd like to date rape that ass." I actually invented that saying, except I said, "I'd like to date rape her eyes" about a sexy vineyard employee with big, beautiful, almond shaped, brown eyes.

I'LL TAKE THE TWO SMOKING RACKS PLEASE

2010-07-22T10:56:00.003-04:00

Is it normal for a cooking show to give you wood? With Padme Lakshmi and Gail Simmons sporting such heaving bosoms I can't watch Top Chef and not think about sex. To me Padme just ooozes sex. She is a crazy sultry, sexy, woman. I love that she's a total hottie but still loves cramming food in her face. She makes food seems dirty and erotic. I think she would actually enjoy being eaten. I'm usually not too high on new single mom's and their poppin' fresh busted out baby bodies but I would definitely make an exception for her. I would nurse her excess milk and wipe tucks pads on her apisiotomy scar then I'd make her a hamburger and take her from behind while she ate it. As for Gail Simmons from Food and Wine magazine, I don't know if she just had a baby but she was displaying a huge veiny set of mams last night. they were teetering on the top of her dress like boulders about to break loose and cause a flesh avalanche. She's not as hot as Padme but very pretty and buxom and kind of comes off like if she had a couple of stiff girly martini's she'd be pretty quick to assume the position. There was another judge on the show last night who is older and busted in the face but she too was blessed with a powerful bust. I fucking love that show, now all they have to do is get some sexy contestants who cook in bikinis and use dildos for spatulas.